How to Handle Step Daughter

She's not with you that often, back off on all discipline and let hubby handle it. Be kind and friendly unless she's outright disrespectful. It sounds like she might be entering the teen years, which would partially explain her distancing herself.

Did you ever think your husband might have a point?
Sometimes it's not a matter of treating kids 'exactly the same'.
Sometimes it's treating each according to their needs - which can vary by quite a bit.

Respect that she needs some distance from you.
I think this is more about her discovering her own identity - and she might very well treat ANY mother figure in the same way - so try not to take it so personally.

You are the established adult and should be comfortable enough in your family role that you can let slights - imagined or real - slide off your back.

If anyone says you're her mom, quickly say that your her step Mom but you love her as if she were your own and she makes you so proud!

i don't know how to be a stepmother, but i'm guessing it's tough. i was fine with my own stepmother when she was just our nanny, but when she and my dad got married i was hurt and angry and stayed that way for years. i also corrected people curtly when they referred to her as my mother. i was very, very hard on her.
she remained kind and loving and patient through it all. through years. through me growing up and moving out, and we finally re-established a positive relationship as adults. she was one of the best human beings i've ever known.
it sounds as if your stepdaughter is just as difficult, but that you are not as invested in loving her unconditionally as mine was. it's not surprising- there aren't many cast in my little mumsie's mold.
but since you're annoyed, stressed and resentful at her, and have no motivation or energy to try any more, i guess you quit, eh?
khairete
S.

she's feeding off the discord between you and hubby. she's wanting to (naturally) side with him, so you (naturally) must be the "enemy". this is an issue you and hubby need to fix. until you're on the same page, you and sd will never see eye-to eye.

If I were in your shoes I would stop the arguing. I would probably spend the weekends away from home for long hours leaving hubby with both the girls and see if that doesn't calm things down or if things escalate.

I would also consider my perception of things are only my truth and may not necessarily be the truth. I can't even begin to tell you how many times I was wrong about how I perceived my role in a thing.

You may even consider getting your daughter's opinion of the situation but take that with a grain of salt, her choosen answer may be the same as yours only to appease you.

Stop diciplining her and let her father do that. If he doesn't see a need for dicipline don't trouble yourself over that either. Life is an excellent teacher and the lessons ofter last so much longer. LOL.

I'm a step mom too so I know how hard it can be and what a difficult rap we get but back off, relax and please stop treating different children the same. They are different and require different responses. You should be respectful, loving and polite but how you deal with them should be different in that your SD should be disciplined by her father since it coming from you is a problem.

Just back off and relax again life is a great teacher for all involved.

She's probably seeing that your husband is taking HER side and is feeding off that, trying to cause problems even. I would try to work it out with your husband. Does he treat your daughter like he does his own? I have a step daughter so I get it. Although you love your SD it is NOT the same relationship as your own child. That seems to be a no brainer so your husband should figure that out. Each kid is different and you can't treat them the same. I hope you guys figure it out. Good luck.

I suggest you stop being defensive, step back, and see if your DH has a point. Just because you feel closer to your daughter doesn't give you license to treat her better than your SD. She's a teen. You're the adult. It's your job to act like the adult even when she is (naturally) acting like a teen.

I think my DH, like yours, will never understand the difference between a stepchild and a biochild. Even if you raised them from toddlerhood, there's still a whole other family she has and a distance there. I would say what you experienced through her teen years is not uncommon. Unfortunately teen angst is often directed at the most convenient scapegoat, which may have been you. My sks are adults and I still sometimes deal with stupid things regarding my DH "protecting" them. HE brought up that many people with artificially blonde hair don't look so good. I mentioned that BM and SD don't look good as blondes. While he's quick to rag on his ex, he got his back up about his daughter. Well, hun, it's TRUE! But how dare I mention it.

If she wants nothing to do with you then be civil but don't go out of your way to be same-same. You don't get same-same when you treat someone poorly.

My DH also often said I don't like his kids, I resent them, I make it difficult FOR THEM. Well, take a look. THEY made life very difficult for me. It's a two way street. I bet that it's the same for you. If this affects your marriage, please consider a family counselor that specializes in stepfamilies. Issues with my husband regarding his older children nearly ruined our marriage. It is NOT a coincidence that our marriage recovered when they moved out to college/on their own.

I really feel for you. I completely understand. It's a hard, thankless job. Stepmothers are seen as invaders while stepfathers are seen as white knights. Please keep advocating for yourself and also letting him deal with her behavior more than you try to keep the peace or pick up the pieces. My DH had to bear the brunt of his children's behavior before he would address it. He didn't like it when I said, "And THIS has been my life for years" but at least he finally opened his eyes some. It is a fine line and it never fully ends. If my daughter falls for a man with kids some day, I'm telling her to RUN.

Oooooh, yikes, your husband is not helping here. He's encouraging her behavior by acting the same way and basically siding against you. Sounds like they are unfairly scrutinizing you since I doubt you are being "mean" to your stepdaughter while fawning all over your own like the evil stepmother in Cinderella...so the fact that he is finding so much fault is disturbing if it's unfounded.

At her age, I say "let her go" as in don't try. Don't be mean, but don't try. Maintain a, "I realize you are disappointed by me and that's OK, I love you but I won't fight to prove myself" air. Let your husband know your feelings on his criticisms. Stop explaining that you gave birth to your daughter because that's confirming his accusation-and it's the only thing in this post that makes me wonder if you are showing some favoritism. Stick to, "I love her and I'm sorry she doesn't think so, but it's OK if she's feeling conflicted or outgrowing the need for me." type things. She only comes for weekends thank goodness. Maybe you can be super nice for a couple of hours and meals and then just go off and do your own thing when she's there. If I had a husband and he had a child who was mean to me that's what I would do. I'd avoid them both but be super nice when we're hanging out so they couldn't accuse me of anything. I'd also jump up and correct people with, "She's not my daughter" when she's there and then smile sweetly at her, like "See hun, I have your back, not gonna let anyone think I'm your mom" May sound catty, but really she's old enough not to coddle.

I'm a stepmom. I get it. But it's NOT that your daughter is a bio child, because I would sincerely hope that you would feel the same way about an adopted child. And it could be seen as totally insulting to adoptive parents. Your actual problem is two-fold: 1) your stepdaughter has another mother, but you are the only mother your daughter has. 2) Your husband is not on the same page as you and your stepdaughter knows it.

Stop disciplining her, and I do like the suggestion to give them father/2 daughters time. Let your husband be the stepparent and the parent for the day. You can do this by design, or you can do it as a reaction to your stepdaughter's disrespect ("I understand you don't want to respect me, but I'm not going to sit here while you talk like that. I care too much about myself to permit that. I'll leave you until you feel more mature."). However, your problem is that your husband will likely side with her as soon as you leave (if not before), so he is going to continue to undermine you. Only you can decide how you feel about that.

It's not that you married someone with a child. It's that you married someone who can't commit. Moreover, you haven't treated them equally as you say you have because you admit there is a fundamental difference. She likely sees your treatment of her as stepping into her mother's role. And if her mother is fostering the disrespect because you are "too important" in her daughter's life, you have acknowledged that, and so does your husband.

But I do think there's value to looking deeper into the nuances of what you yourself say and do. You have a deep feeling that there's something different about a bio child, and your stepdaughter may be picking up that she will never matter as much to you. you can't have it both ways. That's on you.

Counseling will help.

i honestly would stop trying. out of sight out of mind kind of attitude. if she is visiting, go do something on your own. that way, no one can point a finger at you. your husband should be thankful you were nice to her. she is right: you are not her mom. her choice.

I think it is so important to try and put yourself in your SD's shoes. She did not choose for her parents to get divorced, or for her Dad to remarry, or to be blended with another family. You did. So you decide and she just has to smile and suck it up? I disagree. She should get a whole lot of leeway for having to deal with all of you and your arrangement. Divorced parents and new stepparents are extremely stressful for a teenage girl. You mention that her bio mom is probably not helping the situation either. Again, not her fault. She is young and does not have relationship experience or worldly experience by which to gauge all of this. She's confused and probably miserable that she's tossed around between families.

My advice is to get motivated and find the energy and try. Really hard. Plant a smile on your face and make yourself excited to see her. Show her that you actually care. While it won't happen overnight, she will eventually see that you do care and that you made the effort. In fact, this is exactly what you expect her to do!! But remember, she's young and was forced into this whole situation. Be the adult. Be the parent. Be the mother that she deserves. You won't regret it!

And here I was thinking he might be thinking how he hates that "he" married someone with a child.

Not to be mean but you and he must come to terms with this. You can't let this destroy your marriage. If she is like that then the only thing you can do is be yourself and treat her like she's company, not like "his daughter" but a guest in your home.

This way you can just carry on like she is some old friend that you've lost contact with and just spending time together with. This way you can ask her how her week was and how she's doing in her activities, and what's new.

You have to ask her a dozen questions just to get an answer or two. But you have to cross this boundary and keep pushing.

Why?

So your husband can see you trying and trying and trying. Even if it's not successful he'll see you trying. Because if you aren't trying? He's right. You don't like her, she's a child and needs attention and for you to keep trying. She is going to be part of your family for the rest of your marriage.

Either accept and continue trying or figure out what is more important.