Daughter Doesn't Want to Go to Dad's

OMGoodness. I went through this type of thing with my stepmom as a teen.. There is a lot of things going on here..

First of all, just like at school, you believe 50% of what she is telling you is going on.. Teens can be emotional and dramatic..

I would miss read my stepmoms voice or her intentions. My feelings were hurt a lot. She was a lot younger than my father and looking back, I think she was not trying to be my mom, but was trying to treat me like a friend. You know how girl friends are blunt with each other can be snarky..

She said some inappropriate things, she would not mean to say things we took personally about ourselves or our mom.. She just had never been a mom before.

IF my mother tried to speak with my dad about it, all hell broke lose. I was not strong enough to tell my dad what I was feeling, I am not sure I even knew what I needed at the time..

What finally helped was we went to family counseling.. Boy that therapist was totally my advocate. She laid down the law to my dad and my stepmother and told them to remember, My sister and I were blood relatives to our father and he had been with us since the beginning and that SM needed to quit being so insecure, because she was married to him.. But to also understand, in the future, we would always be his children, bu it was possible she may not always be his wife.

She also told SM to respect our mother.. To grow up and not depend on my father to make her feel secure as his wife.

She also told me and my sister to no longer ever be afraid to voice our feelings, needs and wants. That we were just as important as anyone else in these family's. And then she told my dad and his wife to listen to what we were saying and they need to quit assuming some how my mom was behind all of our thoughts and needs.

This really empowered me. I was taught to respect my elders and never argue with them or to talk back, but the Therapist made it very clear, if there is something you need , want or need to say, as long as we say it polity, we are allowed, even as children to be heard.

From a SM's point of view, I also have to wonder if part of it isn't just being a teenager. I know my sks wanted to visit less or trade weekends when they had stuff to do. We always encouraged them to visit with their mom and get her approval for changes to her time. People can compromise.

Is the SM interrogating her or looking for a conversation? In my family, it is quite common to say, "Oh, that's cute! Where did you get it? Did you get a good deal?"

Your DD can also modify her answers, "Mom got it, but no, I don't know the price." and move on.

If she has a problem with her SM, she should talk to the SM or to her dad. If her SM wears sweatpants but asks your DD to wear something nicer, then your DD will just end up looking nicer. It shouldn't be a fight. Would it be the same problem if it was her dad asking her? Is the real problem that she sees less of her DAD than she would like and feels SM is in the way?

I would take the hair cuts out of the picture. I would have my daughter's hair cut on my time instead of his. Then you pay for it vs your daughter. Or have her talk to her dad about it and ask him to pay for her haircut. Her dad is there, too, right?

She can "hate" her stepmom, but that's different than cutting off time with her dad. At 14, they don't see it that way. They see it as a black and white issue. So she should work with her dad on her relationship with him, and treat her SM with the same respect any teenager should treat an adult. She doesn't have to like her. Just live with her periodically.

The other thing is sometimes adults trump kids. They just do. I get better than my kids (including my DD) some of the time because I'm the one footing the bill, I treat my stuff more nicely and I'm the woman of the house. So sometimes it's not a matter of me wanting "the best" to snub anyone, but because I'm a grown woman and I've earned it. When my SD started not breaking every electronic anyone gave her, then I was more willing to invest in the iPod.

SO...bottom line, encourage her to work on her relationship with her father and not throw the father out with the bath because she's having problems with her stepmother. Help her find perspective (both with SM and with life - teens think everything is the WORST THING EVAR) and to keep seeing her dad. Conversations can be tough, but if you don't say what you need to say, then nothing can be resolved.

I agree that a heart-to-heart is important. You will need to talk with her dad and also her daughter. Perhaps her SM needs to back off a little bit, or approach things differently.

I also agree with AV. Perhaps her stepmom is not "evil." I would ask that my SD not wear old sweatpants to a restaurant, but a nice pair would be okay if it was an outfit and not something sloppy. Your 14-year old is leaving out a LOT of information when she's complaining.

Also, if your 14-year old is primarily in your care, then I can see why your husband would not shell out tons of money for your daughter if he already spending money on child support. Her SM would of course purchase things for herself with her money that she earned. If she is paying for her own haircut, then probably they feel that a haircut is your financial responsibility since she lives primarily with you and you receive the child support to pay for things like that. I'm sure It's difficult for both of them to see the child support money go out every month, and then on top of that feel like they have to buy her even MORE expensive things.

I think a talk with everyone is in order. Your daughter needs to see things from another perspective too. Unfortunately if nothing is done I agree that your ex will lose an important relationship with his daughter. I think everyone needs to also listen to your daughter and what she is thinking and feeling.

A friend of mine said that growing up she hated her stepmother. She was also about 12 years old when her dad remarried. I'm sure there is a whirlwind of feelings that a child has when a parent remarries. Now that my friend is grown and a mother herself, she sees that her stepmom was NOT a bad person, and appreciates many of the things her stepmom did for her. She wishes she could have seen things from another perspective.

Good luck!

Are you civil with her dad??? I would really try to have a heart to heart with him about this. You want her to have a relationship with her dad (assuming he's an ok guy). Tell him how she is not wanting to visit due to Step mom issues. Suggest that Step mom just be a friend and that all parenting is done by him only. Contact you attorney to see what can be done, not only now, but in the next coming years according to her age. But let Dad know what's going on............he's about to loose his baby girl forever. There will be a point very soon (if not now already) where the courts can't/won't make her go if she doesn't want to, so now is his chance to make things right with her, to have a relationship and ensure that she WANTS to see him as she grows into an adult.

My daughter thinks at 14 she won't have to go to her dad's house either. Technically true. Just because I am a dot your I kind of gal I will have our decree modified but at 14 the police will not enforce a decree against the child. In other words he calls the police and says my 14 year old won't come over for her visitation the police are going to tell him we don't get in the middle of this.

My older two were 16 and 18 when we divorced, technically the visitation schedule applied to them. They gave their dad the big middle finger, not a thing he could have do. Took three attorneys to get that through his head mind you....
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Oh, don't feel sorry for my ex, he only wanted the older to to babysit for the younger two so his lifestyle didn't change.
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I just want to add in light of some of the comments about their relationship with their dad. If you force her to have a relationship with her dad she will end that relationship as soon as she is able!

My older son works for his grandfather so by proxy with his dad. They have NO relationship. The only time my ex sees his oldest is family events or when my son is hanging out with his little brother and sister.

On the other hand my older daughter got her space. It isn't the best relationship but she does have one with her father.

You have to remember these are children, with feelings, they are innocent of our adult choices!

I believe she is old enough at this point to have some say. You may need to contact your attorney re. reassessing the visitation. Perhaps she needs to have just DAD time? YOU can't let her legally, but you can pursue legal avenues to update the visitation, I would think.

Dad needs to man up and make things better for his daughter.

ADD: I LOVE AMANDA W's ANSWER.

Why is the step mom raising her? That is the mom and DAD's job. If he is too busy to spend it with her, then your daughter should not have to go hang out with her dad's wife.

I do think society needs to stop making the step parent the bad guy. If i have a more expensive purse than my daughter (when she is a teen) she might say I wish I had a Gucci (or whatever) I would tell my daughter when you pay your own bills and have enough left over then you can have one. Now if a step mom ever said anything 1/4 as blunt she would be crucified. Maybe the dad's wife assumed your daughter got money from her parents for the haircut.

If I was 14 I would not want to hang out with my dad's wife all the time. He needs to make an effort and not put it all on his wife. I think she is correct that age 14 she can have more of a say. If it is 50/50 custody then the wife will be around a lot, but if he see her every other weekend, I think he can make an effort to be with his daughter and have quality time.

I would try to see the other side just to not cause drama (maybe your daughter wanted to wear pajama pants and the step mom said no, yet she had on nice sweatsuit and was pulled together). I would not want my daughter walking around in pajama style pants, but yes, the step mom too needs to pick her battles because now your daughter does not want to spend time with her dad.

Many 14 year old girl's love drama. Dealing with your own hormones, your feelings abour your parents divorce, and a step mom along with all the other things that being 14 has going with it can be much. Some of the thoughts and interactions are totally clouded by the rose colored glasses we wear where we only see the world on our own terms.

Your daughter needs to learn how to communicate her feelings and reasonings with her father. Her father is supposed to be the first man she falls in love with and the sounding board she uses to learn how to communicate effectively with a man.

His new wife may or may not be the devil in a thin veil.

I think it may be time to gather together and let your daughter talk while the adults in her life try to figure out how to make this work. Not necessarily cater to her but the help her have a relationship with her father, develop proper boundaries and/or a better understanding with her step mom, and get you out of the middle of her drama with her father and step mom.

It is time for adults to be adults and not manipulate or teach the kid how to be manipulative but to effectively communicate how she is feeling and how to have a proper relationship with her father while he is married to a woman who isn't her mother.

I think she needs to have a conversation-- a real, honest conversation-- with her father. He is the one who needs to hear how she's feeling and how she feels she's being treated like a second-class citizens.

Just curious-- is her father home and present during these visits? I know that when we had scheduled visitation but my dad had to work (National Guard, fighting fires), we often opted to stay home as we would not have had any quality time with him. Our stepmother wasn't terrible, but she was prone to a lot of migraines when we visited and stayed in her room a lot.

Tell your girl that she needs to talk to Dad about it. If she's nervous, ask him if he'd be willing to go to a meeting with a counselor to work this out. She does need dad in her life, and she's also feeling pretty crummy about visiting. Perhaps they can both work to improve that relationship together. *THAT* would be awesome-- and teaches her to approach problems instead of avoiding them.

Nobody can force her to go at this age. If she says no, nobody is going to physically force her. I would honor her choice not to go, but encourage her to talk to her dad.

Explain to her how to set boundaries. Just because someone asks a question, does not mean that you have to answer. She can deflect and say, "I don't know, you'll have to ask my mom."

As for the hair cut...you as her mom should step in. Tell step mom "If you take DD for a hair cut, you and her father are paying for it because you're the ones who decided she needs it."

Still....that's IF DD even wants to go.

I LOVED Laurie A.'s advice. Any way you can set up that sort of counseling for your daughter?

Go over with your daughter what she wears over there. Why is her stepmom taking her to get her hair cut? Forget that! That's your job, mom...

If you can, talk to your ex about his daughter's relationship with his wife. Remind him that in a few short years, this daughter you share will never have to see him and his wife ever again if she doesn't want to, and there will be nothing you can do about it. Tell him to have a talk with his wife and make her understand that their relationship is not supposed to be an adversarial one. He actually has a lot to lose. You should tell him that and help him to see it.

Good luck.

In Oklahoma a child can petition the court to terminate visitations when they reach 12. Although my niece did it much younger. I know several women who have done this because their kids hated dad and didn't want to go.

The judge, in each case, terminated the visitation as it was written and lessened the visits. They didn't stop them or order no contact but they did allow for visits to happen on a more casual contact sort of way.

She could meet with an attorney and find out what the state law is for her age child in Missouri.

She could actually win this in court. She does NOT have to continue to see dad if she has a valid reason not to.

She is right. She does not have to go to her dad's. She has to be the one to tell him, it can't be you. But if she tells him, he cannot make her go. We went through this with my nephew & he was much younger than her. As long as he was the one that told them he didn't want to go, they could not make him go. You can also go back to court & she is old enough to have a say in the matter. I am not certain where you looked up the information at, but I know first hand cases where the child's desire to not go has been taken into consideration. Taking her to a counselor & getting them involved is always a plus on your side if she really does not want to go.

I'm divorced from my kids dad (they are now 17 & 15) and I'm a stepmom to a 15 and 10 yo.
I don't think that using she's required by law is helping the situation. Bring it back to your dad wants to see you, he misses you, loves you as does stepmom. It sounds a little like she's exaggerating the situation with the stepmom or playing it up to tell you what you want to hear. My thought about the haircut is that if her dad is already paying you child support, the stepmom is thinking that its your responsibility to pay for a haircut.
The teen years are hard. Spending time with her dad includes the stepmom. Would you allow her to stay home at Thanksgiving/Easter/4th of July (whatever) instead of going with you to a function or would you still make her go with. I think many times parents quit parenting on some of these issues when they divorce. Her not spending time with her dad may end their relationship for a long period of time. Talk to her dad and express your concerns, but tread very lightly on the stepmom part b/c you may come off as jealous or that your daughter is being difficult. Try to come to a resolution with your ex about how to make it more enjoyable for her. This could be as simple as her trying to assert some independence over where she is, or just missing her friends and activities.
If you really think she's completely miserable going to her dad's, figure out why. If he's a total jerk to her, then maybe it would be easier for her not to go there.

I don't think at 14 she HAS to go to him. My friend is divorced and dating a man who is also divorced. They both have two kids, but his daughter is 17. When she was 16 she didn't want to go to her dad's house and she didn't have to. The court even ordered her mom to take her to counseling, which she didn't do, and over time the daughter realized what she was missing with her dad and started coming back around. It took over a year and lots of court time, but it is what it is.

Keep in mind though that 14 is a tough age and I'm sure her dad wouldn't let her step mom be horrible to her. I just don't see it.

About the only thing you can do is go back to court and try to modify the visitation schedule so she doesn't have to go as often or for as long. But other than that, the only other thing you can do is not send her which opens up a huge can of worms (police, etc.)

As far as making your daughter pay for a hair cut, just have your daughter not get a hair cut when she's with step mom. And she'll just have to suck it up as far as how she's dressed. Your daughter is learning some hard but good life lessons re how to deal with people.