Step Daughter Keeps Wedding Pic of My Husband & X in Her Bedroom

Sounds like everyone has this one covered. I'd just like to add that if you want to influence her in any way you can show her how an adult behaves. The photo of her parent's wedding has nothing to do with you. Leave it alone.

I would let her keep it in her room. Her room is hers and as long as she isn't putting it anywhere other then her room I wouldn't think there would be a problem. Maybe try to see it through her eyes. She is only 13. That is just my opinion. Hope I don't offend you & Hope you find a solution to this dilemma soon :)

Hi S.,

Something to think about, that is her Dad and her Mom. You might address the issue by giving her a photo of you and her Dad as well. Or, be honest, but I think it is less about you and more about her.

Kind regards,
T.

Are you seriously suggesting that your stepdaughter should not display a picture of her parents in her own room? Her life has been torn apart by divorce, and if you ask her to take this picture down, you'll be seen as the bad guy who's trying to replace her mom. Based on your desire to take the picture down, it almost sounds like you ARE trying to replace her mom. I agree with the other posters who say that asking her to remove the photo is going to be the fastest way to drive a huge wedge between the two of you.

You might also want to look into what's behind your insecurity. It just baffles me that this situation is so upsetting to you. This woman is her mother, and will always be her mother. There's nothing you can do to change that, so you might as well embrace it.

This isn't about you, it's about her. Asking her to remove it would not only be damaging to your relationship with her, it would be wrong and selfish.

I'm surprised this is bothering you when you seem to understand the importance of keeping photos and heirlooms for your kids. You even say, "that was the union that create her and she still loves both her parents even though we are no longer together." That's great advice for you to take. :-)

She's not displaying the photo to get back to you or make you feel bad. It's not about you. It's her parents and she probably is comforted by an old photo that shows her parents happily together. She might even display this photo in her own home when she's older and has started her own family. It's part of who she is, her family history.

I found some old photos of my parents together when cleaning out my grandma's house when she died years ago. I was an adult and married for awhile at this point in time yet I still snatched them up. I hadn't seen any of them before and I even put one of the photos up... not because I had some fantasy or longing for my parents to be together, but because it's my family history.

Four years is not that long for her parents to be divorced. It might seem like a long enough time to you and your husband for her to get past it, but she's still a child and it may still really hurt her at times. My parents split up when I was 6 and I was lucky to have parents that were friendly with each other. We had holidays and other events together. Even though, there were still times that it really bothered me as a kid.

It's in her room, her private space - she's not trying to wave it in your face to bother you. If it really hurts you, you could ask her is she would like a copy of you and her father's wedding photo to put in her room also. Don't be hurt if she doesn't want it however, because she's reminded of your relationship every day. But you could make the offer and be happy with whatever she decides to do. 13 is a TOUGH age and if the worst she's got going on in her room is a photo of her parents, then she is a pretty fantastic kid. I really hope you realize that it's just a photo of her past so you can focus on growing your relationship with her. Please don't let this put a wedge between you to. :-)

If you're looking for the fastest way to drive a huge wedge between yourself and your stepdaughter, by all means ask her to put the picture away.

I'm sure that in her mind, she is being considerate of your feelings by keeping the photo of her parents in her own bedroom, which should be out of your sight. That is her space, not yours.

Hello~

I understand your feelings, but this is important. Allow her to display the photo, in fact, allow her to celebrate the photo. It was a beautiful moment between two people she loves that will never happen again. She sees her father love you every day. She needs a reminder that she came from love, too. Put aside your jealousy, and let her celebrate it. Mention something nice..."Your mom's wedding dress sure was pretty" and let it go. If you really want to create a wonderful bond with your step daughter, drag out your old wedding photos and share and talk and laugh. If not, give the photo a compliment and move on.

That picture is of her parents, and it makes her happy to look at it. It is in her room, I say let it be. She is not doing it to be hurtful to you, she just loves her parents and likes to remember a time when they were happy together. That should not take any thing away from the happiness you now have with her father.

Hi S.,

I have to agree with Jerri. She is right. The 13 year old girl is still a girl. She is not a fully mature adult and you really have to take that into consideration.

Her room is her private domain and you really have to respect that. When it comes to divorce, the kids really feel the pain of it all. She is still a kid that is still learning how to cope with her parents divorce. She will never get over their divorce. Blended families are work. If she isn't rubbing the picture in your face then it really shouldn't be a problem. If anything, you may try to let her know that the photo of her parents is a nice one, especially if you want to win her respect. You have to show respect in order to get respect. You have to set your feelings aside.

My thought, as a woman who lost my mom when I was a 12-year-old and as a certified family trainer, is that regardless of whether or not this woman is your little girl's Mother or a Step-mother who came before you (though I believe you are saying she is actually her Mother), your girl is at a tender age where her ideals are being set.

This being so, your girl is also trying to be in relationship with many people at once (her Father, You, and her Mother) WHILE setting those ideals (a developmental milestone appropriate for her age).

She will not always do this the way you want her to, but it is a tremendous effort on her part, as well as on yours. That she is trying to do this at all is a testament to the person she is. The same can be said for you!

My Mother left over 20 years ago and my Father insisted I "move on", refusing to let me display photos or keep momentos. In hindsight I see that he did this because he felt her relationship (his wife's) with him was toxic and that she wasn't a fit woman or mother.

What he didn't take into consideration was the fact that she was still my Mother and had not been intentionally hurtful to me (later we found she had a mental illness) and that I still very much needed to understand her as a person so that eventually I could make up my own mind about the situation.

It turns out that the more he pulled my Mother away from me then, the more I pulled away from him. We hardly speak at all now, though I make several attempts each month.

An interesting part to note is that this woman, your girl's Mother, realized her mistake, woke up from her rage and was willing to give her child a few small pieces of her life (the photos).

This is a huge transition for your girl that is taking a long time to unfold. But it WILL end, I assure you. Very likely between ages 15-17, when she is better able developmentally to understand your point of view.

As her friend, and a new and separate guiding force, you are in the unique position of getting to be part of her rock and foundation. You are in the place where you can show her how to be compassionate and caring about other people in this world.

I recommend allowing her to keep the photo, asking her questions about it sometimes, and about how she feels about her Mom and the unique life situation you are all in...meet this issue full force and with gentleness.

I also recommend speaking with a qualified family consultant about how to manage the questions/answers part. Try Josette Luvmour--she is incredible.

Good luck to you all.

She is 13, and her room is her room. Those are her parents, and she has a picture that she treasures in her personal space. I think you should put your feelings about this aside and respect hers. It isn't like she has it somewhere that is in your space, and you're supposed to be the adult here.

~S

Pick your battles. You step daughter will understand one day and really appreciate your understanding. LET IT GO. I would even tell her her parents look beautiful in the pic. Including her mother. AGAIN... really important to let this go.

Hi S., I can imagine that your step daughter's displaying of the photo would be upsetting to you but this is this child's mother. Displaying the photo in her own room is not a threat to you. After all, you have her father there with you. He chose you not the ex., so you have it all. Your step daughter however has lost her mother and thus her family. Be gracious and allow her this small concession. It will pay dividends later, when your step daughter gets older and can better understand the complications of relationships. Good luck

In a divorce situation "the past" isn't just "the past". A child was created. She is a part of that past you are trying to "let go". If your parents were to divorce right now....would you take down the pictures of them together? I wouldn't. You may not want a reminder that they were ever married, but that child IS a reminder. Those are her parents and maybe she just wants a picture of them on her nightstand. It's her room and she has the right to have a picture in her own space. It may be awkward for you, but it's not about you. It's about a child who shouldn't be made to feel bad because she wants a picture of her own parents in her room. It's not like she's asking to put it in your living room. That WOULD be a problem.

S., all of the responses have been good, however, none of them have addressed what you have going on that has this be a concern for you. What feels weird for you? Are there other situations either currently or from your past that evoke this feeling of weirdness? There are ways to get to the bottom of these feelings to easily and permanently vaporize them so they are no longer in the way of your relationship with your step daughter. blessings--

I agree with most everyone else, that you should support her in her feelings. And I know that you agree because, in your own words- "After all that was the union that create her and she still loves both her parents even though we are no longer together." I know it may be difficult for you to see that picture, but it is part of what makes your stepdaughter who she is. If you want to make your stepdaughter realize that you think she is important and her opinions count, it is important to allow her to display things she values. I'm sure this issue will come up with other things that you don't wholeheartedly agree with. Maybe you can ask if she would like a picture of you and your husband, and a picture of your family now to go along with her pictures of people that love her.
Good luck,
J.

You don't mention how your relationship is with your stepkids, and in particular with this one step daughter. As much as you're holding on to your old wedding pictures for your kids, after all they were the good things that happened as a result of your first marriage, maybe this stepdaughter is remembering what once was good in her past. As much as the picture disturbs you, do the kids bother you as well as they are living symbols of your husband's first marriage? In short, get over it. I'm being blunt, but that was then and their's, the present belongs to you. Her room is her domain. As long as she isn't putting it up on the fireplace mantle it should be okay. She obviously loves both of her parents. Don't feel insecure unless there's a real reason for that insecurity. If there is, then talk about that and not a picture. Have you had a blended family picture taken that she can keep in her room, the one of her dad, you, her brothers and sisters, step-siblings and half siblings if there are any? Create an opportunity. Maybe she and her siblings could get together with their Mom and take a picture of all of them (and Mom's new partner if there is one) for her to have in her room. 4 yrs isn't that long when it comes to a family dividing and rebuilding. 9 years is still the majority of her lifespan. Her childhood was her's and there must have been some very sweet times amidst the turbulent ones. Let her have the good memories, she'll use them to model her adult behaviors, as well as your tolerance and acceptance of the lady who brought her into the world. The divorce was between 2 adults, not between the adults and the kids. Don't make this a bigger problem than your discomfort with a picture.

I'm a step-mom too. When my parents divorced, I was an adult and married, and it was completely devastating to me in a way I had never imagined possible--especially since my dad had cheated over a long period of time and been a jerk in general. I thought it was the best thing for them to divorce--so I was taken by surprise by my grief, anger, and confusion. When I married, I became a stepmom to a two-year old, who is now ten. My husband and her mom were never married--they had a very, very brief relationship that has turned into a lifetime commitment to parent her. Stepmothering is a journey, for sure! I HIGHLY recommend a book called "The Courage to be a Stepmom"--I found this several years into my stepmothering journey and it helped immensely to,"find my place without losing my self." That said, I think your stepdaughter is lucky, these days, that her parents were married, something my stepdaughter doesn't have--she can't look back and say, you know--my parents were committed to each other, they wanted me, etc. I have been working on a scrapbook with my stepdaughter, and have been hard pressed to find a picture of her with both of her parents. I finally found one at a dance recital when she was three. My husband and I now have three children of our own, and my stepdaughter comes home to us every weekend during the school year and the opposite in the summer. I've learned from experience that the less I react to things regarding her mother, the more open she is with me, because she doesn't imagine she has to be on the defensive about her mother. Choosing to be a stepmother is choosing to have this other woman a part of your life forever, because she's (I assume) still in the picture, and even if not, she is also your stepchildren's mother, and your husband's former wife, someone who is a big part of who he is today, for better or worse--and probably for both. Try not to let this interfere with your peace of mind.

Sorry to give a differing view but you have to remember that those are her biological parents. She may need to look at them from time to time to give her strength or remind her of old times. If you have a good relationship with her and her dad, your husband then you should not worry about it. Also if it is in her room then most people coming to your home will not see it. If it gives her comfort let her have it.

S.

Her parents, her photo, her room. Your idea.
Lead by example.

Wow, some great responses. Nothing to add except I had a step-mother, and I know what it feels like. Your step daughter's room should be hers, and the fact that you call it "my house" says volumes about the territoriality going on.
She will be grown and gone in a few short years. Why not give her the right to look at her parents whenever she wants to without getting into a snit.
I'm usually much more diplomatic in my responses, but I remember too well living in somebody else's home and feeling like an unwelcome visitor, on top of the trauma of the divorce.
My advice is, call it the "family home", and treat it as such.

That is one battle I would not even touch. Those are her parents, her mom and her dad, regardless of their current marital status. She loves them both. It doesn't mean that she doesn't love/like you less or is trying to hurt you. She is trying to deal with the whole situation. It is just best to let her have her things in her space. She is only 13 and was 9 when this happened. She really doesn't have the ability to deal with all those emotions at her age. I think it is just something you are going to have to let go and move on from as you have the emotions and the control to deal with it. She doesn't. If you make a deal about it, you will drive her further into an emotional struggle. Be supportive and be the best mother you can to her. The picture may eventually be replaced and/or put away.

S.,
I usually don;t respond to things I haven't expirested myself but i fellt I needed to respond to this, you are an adult and should act like one, your stept daughter is part her mom and now your husband and that will never change, having a picture of her parents is love you can't take away even if it is on their wedding day. It is her room and you should respect that, when she is not there take the photo down but put it back up when she is coming back, don;t let something so petty ruin your relationship.
Good Luck

I agree that the past is the past and your husband's marriage to his previous wife is in the past. However, I must ask you to consider the purpose of a photo. Do you have pictures of your children as infants? Their infant days are in the past. Do you have pictures of your own childhood? Those days are inthe past too. Do you have a picture of a relative of friend who is nolonger alive? That person is in the past. However, the whole point of photos is to remind us of people, places, and events that are in the past. Your step-daughter's parents' wedding is an important event in her life, and will remain an important event throughout her life. Her celebration of an important event in her life with a photo is not a threat to you or your relationship with your husband. I have many photos of events and people who were in my life before I met my husband that are displayed around our home. So does my husband. Our past made us the people we are today - we may not have been the right fit for each other without the influence of any one of those events or people. Our past is what lead us to eachother and the love that we have today. Your husband's first relationship help shape him into the person he is, the person that you love. It is not fun to think that there was any relationship before your own, but that relationship depicted in that picture not only gave life to your step daughter, but it enabled your husband to become the person you fell in love with.

Best of luck!

She is 13, a very tender age.
Though her parents have been divorced for 4 years their relationship is a huge part of her life, even if it was in the past.
I can understand your discomfort with the picture but I feel in order to build and preserve a good relationship wth your stepdaughter, give her the space in her own bedroom to display her pictures and things that are personal and important to her. She is very likely still working through her feelings about what has happened -
There is a respect issue that swings both ways here - she needs to be respectful to you as a person and new co-head of the household, she should not expect this picture to be displayed for company. But you need to respect her space and desire to have ths picture in her space.
If you were to force her to put it away it would breed resentment towards you and as she grows she will cling to it more tightly, but if you grant her grace here, tolerate it for now for her sake, for her healing, having faith in your husband and your marriage and working to develop a positive relationship with her as a person, I would be willing to bet that as she matures , in a couple of years, she will , on her own, find a photo album or special place to keep the picture.

At this point in time , you need to decide what is more important, a positive and healthy relationship with your stepdaughter or a picture. As long as healthy boundaries are in place regarding the picture and how this is handled in the main part of the house but a 13 yo girl should be given her own space to have a certain amount of dominion (within reason) over for personal and sentimental things.

Having had a step-mom, I don't think she's doing this to hurt you - it's of her parents. They'll always be her parents, that has meaning to her. Let her keep the picture.

Hi S.,

As a daughter of divorced parents, I can see both your discomfort and your stepdaughter's very evident sadness. Yes, it would be great if she could 'move on' at the same pace that you and her father have. We always hope our children are happy with the present life they have and don't stay stuck in the past. That said, here's my two bits.

First off, let her keep the picture in her room. It's her mom, her father, and she obviously misses their being together very much. Children can't begin to understand our reasons for divorce or why it's often the healthiest option.

Second, I would strongly consider family counseling and possibly individual counselling depending on the counselor's recommendations. I'm sure there's a lot your stepdaughter feels that she can't express to anyone, and it's not because you or her birth parents aren't available, it's likely just the circumstances of the matter. It's a priceless investment in your two families better blended.

My best to you.

S., please allow your step daughter to keep the photo. This is a young girl who is still feeling the pain of her parents' divorce. She needs compassion and comfort. It's horrible for any child to see the break up of her family, and that is what a divorce is. Yes, it is the past, but it is her past. Your husband may have been able to "let go", but his thirteen year old daughter may not so easily. The pain for her is deeper, and she isn't emotionally mature enough to deal with it on the same level. I'm curious why this is such a difficult situation for you. Is it possible that you feel threatened by the ex? Consider this: if your husband had been widowed rather than divorced, would you feel the same way? Would it be OK for this girl to display the photo in that case? Just something to consider. If you make an issue of this with your step daughter, I think you risk damaging your relationship with her. That wouldn't help anyone. Let her keep the photo. It's a little thing in the big picture. The position of a step parent is inherently tricky. I wish you luck.

This is a hard one to handle - emotionally. I would let her keep it in her room. I can understand that it would hurt your feelings, but you are the step-mom. She was only 9 years old when her parents became divorced - she probably misses her mom or atleast the memories of them being together. I was really young (2years old) when my parents divorced, but my step-dad is my dad. And my biological father knows it too....he didn't come back into my life till after I was 18. I don't see any reason why it would be a problem for her to have her parents displayed in her room. It's not like she is putting it on the mantel in the living room. I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your step-daughter. Do you have a good relationship with her? Do you have a mother and daughter relationship or just a step-mom and step-daughter relationship. Something to think about too. Also - I don't know if this could be, but she is pre-teen. Going through changes in herself and she sees her mom as safe and calming for her. Who does she call on for help? You can be a loving supportive mother figure for her too....but you can't take over the image of her mom either. So, I would take a look at what kind of relationship you have with her and talk with your husband and see where he stands on about the picture. Good luck...I hope it all works out.

I think you are making to much of this. She is 13 which is hard enough as it is in this day and age and then not only does she haveto deal with a divorce ,and it does not sound like it was handled well, ie the pictures beoing ripped up but she has to deal with a step mom and new siblings. Give her a break, it is not in the living room it is in her personal space. I know it hurts but you are an adult and know what is and has gone on she is a kid. Let her keep it in her room and make it a non issue. This is maybe how she is coping

Hi S.,

I too am remarried and have a teenager from my previous marriage, so have been through what you are experiencing as well. I know it may be tough for you to see a picture of your ex and his wife, but it is her room, which is her own space and you have to respect that. My son keeps pictures of his dad and step sister out and although I despise my ex and his wife, I have to respect that they are still a part of my son's life and it is up to him what pictures he displays in his room. My son is a sophomore now so the reality is that in 2-1/2 more years he will be off to college and he will be taking his photos with him and they will no longer be displayed in my house. If it really bothers you that much, you can try talking to your daughter and telling her how it makes you feel to see it out on the nite stand, but if she really wants it there, and you make her take it down, she may resent you for it.

Best wishes,

T.

Hi S.,

Divorce is just like a death to children. The same level of grief is involved. It sounds like she is still grieving the divorce (which is natural for children). The grief and loss cycle can take 5 years or longer to complete. Encourage your step daughter to talk about her feelings with you or your husband. Her bringing out the picture may be a signal to you that she needs to talk about something or may have some feelings that are coming up about it. Remember that children always think that any divorce is their fault and no matter how often you tell them otherwise it takes a long long time for that to sink in. With puberty coming on she will have lots of emotions that may come up around this. You can teach her how to handle her feelings in a healthy way and that will strengthen your whole family.

Take Care,
Rosemary

Coming from experience i think that having that picture up is probably comforting to her. I myself have a wedding picture in my room of my parents and they have been divorced for 9 yrs. it is one of the only things i have left of the happy times we used to have and maybe that is something your stepdaughter needs to comfort her.its not like people are going to come and search her room and look and say anything bad about her having a picture. those are her parents.i guess what i am saying is dont let this bother you and let her keep the picture.

I think this is the first topic I've ever come across where all who responded agree!

S., I can only imagine what it would be like to be in your situation. While I am divorced and remarried, I am my husband's 1st wife. We have a daughter together so haven't encountered this exact situation. However, I have had a similar one. While I'm divorced and remarried, I still have my wedding album from my 1st wedding. I'm a 36 year old woman and I can honestly say if he tried to make me get rid of those pictures, I would be resentful. I don't keep that album because I'm still in love with him. I have kept it because that's a part of my history.

I agree with the others who responded...if you try to make her put that picture away, she will end up resenting you and you run the risk of distroying the relationship you already have with her. You must put your feelings aside and try to understand where she's coming from. She has kept the picture in her room....hasn't gone into the living room and tried to put the picture with your own family pictures, so she IS being respectful. You must be respectful of her too! Good luck to you.

I would let her keep it and try to see it thru her eyes. She has had a lot of change go on in her life and though I don't know the curcumstances or how her mother is, it is her mom. I know if I were her, I would want to keep the photo of my life before. She has a history with her family and might just want to keep those memeories with her.

This may sound harsh, and I apologize for that. But these are the thoughts in my head as I read your post.

A 13 yr old is on the brink of a major identity crisis! She will spend the next several years attempting to discover and contend with who she is. Please respect that. Allow her some privacy and personal momentos. Is this the only photo of them she has, or is the house littered with the clutter of her first 10 years as part of her "other" family? I'm assuming everyone is still alive and you are not attempting to deny her the memories of a now deceased relative.

You say you don't want it displayed in your home... is she asking to hang it on the living room wall, post it on the fridge, or it is "tucked away" in HER room? Her room is her space, and possibly the only small little santuary she has to regroup and be herself; To relish in what makes her her. She will respect you more, if you can do the same... respect her and allow her a safe place to be herself. And hang onto/express what is important to her. I would imagine that she may be somewhat uncomfortable (whether it is theatened or scared or sad or happy or guilty or or or who knows?) by the new wedding picture proudly displayed in the house. She may not, I don't know. What I do know is that creating unneccessary walls and bounderies can lead to BIG problems later.

Maybe this is an opportunity to open up your relationship and have a discussion about what is family. Maybe you can be her safe house and her go to gal when her "real mom" (sorry) doesn't understand... or is too intimidating. It can be a wonderful experience for your both. Maybe I'm just full of it and should be ignored. Your choice. Again, not a professional, just a mom with 2 cents to share. I hope you find a solution that works for you. And I hope you take the time to change perspectives once in a while and truly see what it is you may be asking of others. Good luck and God Speed

S.,

Correct me, or ignore me, if I'm wrong but it sounds like you're being hypocritical. You seem ok with your biological children having mementos from you and your ex, but it is not ok for your step kids to have the same mementos.

"After all that was the union that create her and she still loves both her parents even though we are no longer together". Door swings both ways there Momma. Your stepdaughter still loves both her parents even though they're not together anymore.

Not trying to provoke,
Melissa

Hi S.,
I think that your step daughter has every right to keep the picture of her mom and dad displayed in her rooml. It doesn't mean that she doesn't like or care for you. But, I'm sure that she misses her mom. Even though it's been 4 years, I bet it's still hard for her. I think you should just be patient and let her have her picture up as long as she feels she needs to. Good luck.

My advice is don't take it personally that your step daughter wants a photo of her father and mother at their wedding on display in her room. She's thirteen years old and expecting her to know to let something like that go at her level of maturity isn't really very realistic of an adult such as your self. Photos are just photos. It's not like she's inviting her mother to live in her room. Even if she yearns for her parents to re-unite and that is why she keeps the photo on display there is no reason to ask her not to display it. Sooner or later she will see that her parents aren't going to reunite and will give up on the idea even if she doesn't give up on displaying the photo. If you make a fuss about the photo she will only want her parents to re-unite more.

This is a time for you to be gracious, non-judgmental and grown up. If you want her to grow to love you as her step-mother you will have to overlook the photo and allow her to have display it.

I've never understood how a photo of a past lover, girl or boy friend or husband or wife posed a threat to anyone. What is in the past is in the past and cannot be changed. Keeping a photo of something that happened in the past will not change this moment right now. This girls parents were once married and you can't erase that no matter how much you want to. Apparently at one time your husband and his ex-wife were a happy couple and there's absolutely no reason why your step-daughter can't hold onto that fact. Like you say about your children; the union of your husband and his ex-wife produced your step-daughter. In my opinion she has every right to commemorate that by displaying their wedding photo.

That's my humble opinion based on personal experience. I was previously married and my husband was previously married. Both marriages produced children so I have had some experience in this. If you ever want to have a good relationship with your step-daugher don't ask her to forget that her parents were once a couple.

Sincerely,
C.

S. - I nanny for a family that has a divorce in the past. The two older kids (13 and 9) are children with the divorced parents. The parents divorced 8 years ago. Both children have a picture of their mom and dad in their rooms. They are hugging and laughing together and look extremely happy. Both parents have remarried, and the children have pictures of their biological parents in both houses. The parents have decided not to say anything to the children. They are products of a past marriage, and the kids can see that when they were "made" (as it were) they came from love.
You did not say that you thought she was doing this to be hateful, so I am assuming she is just doing this to remember that she is a product of love.
Good Luck, L.

You have to remember it is her home too. She is only 13 years old and although 4 years seems like a lifetime to you it may not be that easy to let go for her. I think you need to respect her space and let her display the picture. If you don't want to see it then don't go in her room. She is coping with her parents split in her own way and everyone should be sensitive to that. If you try to take it away from her in any way you are going to cause a rift between the two of you. You are going to be her step mom forever so try to keep the peace and remember she is still a child who is missing having her parents together. that is not an easy thing to deal with at any age.

Why not?

For her the fact that her parents were married once is never past. She always has a mom and a dad that were married, present tense. Maybe she is just remembering that both parents love her. At thirteen she is still clinging to her mother very closely and needs reminders that her mother is present in her life.

I think that you have been really wonderful to let her have the picture up this long. It shows that you have no jealousy or competition with the old wife. Few second wives are that broad minded.

Three years ago, I was cleaning house and ran across pictures of my family before we were divorced. The kids were there. Now, the divorce happened thirty years ago, and the kids are adults. I offered the kids these pictures. They snapped the pictures up in 30 seconds.

Please see this through your step daughter's eyes.

I would let her be. Don't take away or forbid something that is hers and connects her with her root. It is her house too. Help her feel she is a part of your family by letting her express herself. She is needing have the pictures for her comfort, not yours. They are in her bedroom.
You are married to her father and have the rest of the house to decorate how you see fit. There is no need for you to feel uncomfortable with some old pictures that represent family history.

WOW..I guess I'm the only one who feels like the writer does. I had the same issue. My wife and I have been married 8 yrs. She had 3 kids from her 1st marriage. The 2 oldest keep pics of their Dad up in their room. I have no problem with that, but I saw one where my wife and her ex were kissing etc. It bothered me. I took it down. His room is not his room to do what he wants with. The pic was inappropriate to be displayed in the house anywhere. He can keep it in a scrapbook, but I don't want to see it. So to the writer..I understand how you feel, any intimate picture of you spouse and ex should not be displayed in your house. It's disrespectful to your relationship. And your child needs to understand that.

it is a phase she is going through and she is just wanting to contect to her parents that gave her life. How is your relationship with her? Are you feeling like she is doing this to hurt you? Does she spend time with her mother? How do you get along with her mother? If the answer to that is not so well, then you need to not say anything negative about the photo. She would see it as an attack on her mother. kids can be pretty dramtic at this age. You could see if she wants to display a photo of the 3 of you together too or offer to get one of those collage frames and together you can put photos of all of you including her mother to show that you enbrace her need for the connection to her mother.

I agree with everyone else. I don't think you should make a big deal out of her having the picture in her room.

Growing up, my sister had a picture of our father in the house we lived in with our mom and step-dad. It wasn't because she wanted our parents to get back together or that she didn't love our step-dad, just that she also had a special spot for our father.

I understand how it might make you feel umcomfortable, but as you said about your momentos from your first marraige...the union between your step daughter's mother and father is the one that created her. Its not that she doesn't love or respect you, its just that she also loves her mother and father.

I would not bring it up to your step-daughter. It may cause resentment on her part towards you and she may distant herself from you. To me it just seems like a battle not to be dealt with. I understand that you feel awkward w/ her having that picture on display, but it is in her room and she just likes the picture, I'm sure it has nothing to do w/ her feelings about you. The divorce was very recent, only 4 yrs ago, so the picture may just bring back good memories for her!! I really don't see the big deal about it!!! Good luck!!! ;)

I have never dealt with this myself, but I'm guessing the ex is her mom, right? I think personally that it is her choice to have whatever pictures of her family that she wants and if she wants them displayed in her own bedroom than I think you should let her. They may have been divorced for 4 years, but at her age it can be very hard to let those things go. I think you should swallow your pride on this one and let her have her way. It might make you a little uncomfortable, but as long as its not in a common room, its not like you have to look at it on a regular basis. If you want to build a strong relationship with her, than I would respect her decision on this, if you try to take that away from her, I can guarantee she will be offended, and will likely rebel.

Please remember that your step-daughter is only 13 years old. This is a time when children are becoming adults and learning about the real world. It is an exciting, but scary time. It is only natural to wish or look back on times when she felt safe and secure with her parents. I don't think it is anything against you. I have two step-daughters. I have an ex-husband who is also remarried. I have always encouraged them to have pictures (any they wish) in their rooms. My sons' have pictures of their father and step-MOM in their bedrooms. I even take pictures of my husband and his ex-wife with their children for them. He is with me now. I don't feel threatened by her. She is their mother and I want them to feel like my home is their home. If having pictures of their mom around makes them feel better, then wonderful, as long as they don't disrespect me or do it just to upset me. I hope you can allow her this space and freedom. She will only love you more for it in the future.

I can understand why you would feel uncomfortable with the picture. However, you state "with it displayed in my home." It isn't really. It is in her room, on her nightstand. It's not like it is out on in living room or up in the hallway. The picture is in her room, in her private space. If it helps her why not let her keep it. Do you have a good relationship with her? If so, maybe you can take a nice snap shot of all you, your husband, yourself, kids - at a time when you all did something fun together and put it in a frame for her. She can have a remembrance from her mother and father and a fun photo of her "new" family. She just needs to know that she is loved by all members of her family no matter how extended that family may be.
Good Luck.

If the X person is her mom let it be its something she has to hold on to as her own memories of what once was from her point of view to be who her parents are its what she has left of them together, I am sure she loves you very much,but at that age she should be allowed to have them in her room as her personal belongings, when she is gone to stay with her mom ask her to put her pictures away as so nothing disturbs them while she is gone, she must know you use her room right, after all you have him, he has you and your both very happy so try not to let it upset you its just a picture okay,

I think it is best to let this one go. She will probably not keep it on her nightstand forever. And if she knows it bothers you, that may give her the desire to keep it up there longer. She will probably outgrow the picture on her nightstand soon. So just relax, it is her room, and her space, and she needs to have that space and some freedom in there.

You should let her keep the picture up, her bedroom is suppose to be her private space. Asking her to take it down will make you seem like the bad person. If you guys have a good relationship you have nothing to worry about. And if you don't, that would only make it worse. It would be ok to tell her it bugs you a little though.

Unfortunately it is the past and over with for you , but not for her. they are both still her family. It may be a comfort to her to have a picture of her mom and dad together. I would be concerned if you think that she thinks they would ever get back together. Otherwise it may just be her way of dealing with the pain of the divorse that may last for years.

I agree with the writer too! I am also faced with the same situation. If the step daughter wants a picture up of her mom, then put one up of the 2 of THEM (her & her mom) together. put the pictures of dad & mom together away for her to share with her children one day. not for me to have to look at in my home. I know for a fact that the mom would not allow a picture of me & dad to be displayed in her home regardless of if it were in the daughters bedroom or not.

You said you would let your kids do with them what they wanted and I think that's the best advice for your step daughter too. It might feel weird or uncomfortable for you, but that is the union that created her. She's not asking you to put pictures of her mom with the other pictures of your family or on display in the living room or anything like that. I think it's perfectly reasonable for her to have pictures of her choice in her room. It's not a picture of anything inappropriate for a 13 year old. Maybe her dad needs to talk with her about why she wants it there now. 13 is a hard time for a girl and this might be one of the ways she's dealing with everything.

Hi S.,
I may be wrong but see no good way to ask her to tuck it away.If you and your husbands relationship is a good one you should not feel threatened by the photograph-it is her family or the 1st one . Because 13 is a difficult age any objection from you could make her feel you are not confident in the new family situation . If it is in her room , let it be and let it go.

These are her parents, which she loves, just like your daughter loves both you and her dad. It may be the only picture she has of her mom.

I know you keep getting the same response but just let her keep the photo on her nightstand. My parents got divorced when I was 5 and my mom remarried when I was 7. I had a picture of my dad in my room....(even though I totally loved my step-dad)....and a picture of my parents together for a very long time. I actually still have that one on my wall and I am now married with children. I still love that picture of my parents together. I guess it's just a fond picture of smiles and happiness captured in the photo when my parents actually liked each other. It's not that I wanted them back together, it's just that I liked the happiness that they once had. Good luck...13 is a hard age....my oldest just had his 13th birthday today!!

I can see how this would be frustrating but it is a picture of her parents. Perhaps allowing her to display it in her room is permissible. It seems like this is one of those situations where issuing a directive like "no pics of your parents in my house!" could backfire and create unnecessary tension. It might also cause your stepdaughter to become stubborn. Another approach might be to have you, your stepdaughter, and your husband have a short discussion about why she has found and displayed the picture in the first place.

Let her have it in her room. I strongly suspect that she is not trying to disrespect you, but to remember a time when her biological parents were together. It sounds like she isn't trying to be in your face with it -- she doesn't want to have it on the mantlepiece in the living room; she just has it by her bed. And, after all -- in your (and her) home; that is her personal space. If your relationship is good in other areas -- show her that you respect her and her beginnings by letting her know that you are not threatened by her love for her biological mother, and her memories of her life before the change. Your tolerance and understanding will come to have a positive effect on your family as a whole. Good luck.