Daughter's Wedding - Taking a Family Photo with Ex

That's just weird! Unethical?!?!
My step-daughter recently graduated and while taking photos I was the one who said to my husband and SD's Mom to get in there and get a photo taken. It's important and my SD loves that photo of her with her Mom AND her Dad.

EDIT: I have a photo and of just me and my Mom and Dad from my wedding sans step parents and neither my step-mom or step-dad had an issue with it. It's pretty standard.

Unethical? Unethical is handling someone's money and then taking it all. Standing as the parents of a child you are in fact the parents of is, well, normal.

Unethical? How is this unethical? I think I may have missed something....After all you are both her parents, divorced or not...

Your daughter wants a picture with her mom and dad. That's not "unethical." Put her in the middle with one of you on each side. Don't allow your husband to make this into a big drama when it's not. You ALL love her. It's her day, and that's what she wants.

Your ex-husband needs to get a dictionary.

Your husband needs to get over it. I have three adult-ish kids approaching wedding age, too. I would think it perfectly lovely for them to have a photo with both parents (long since divorced) only. And then with the whole crew, step parents too.

Unethical, no less. *Scratches head.

What is he afraid of?

:(

Why would that be unethical?

Your daughter only wants a picture of her on her most special day with HER God given parents.

It is not her fault that you and ex are exes, however she still is his daughter and your daughter. Please don't allow yourself to make this all about you.

My parents are divorced and it is hell. They have always been civil but my mom will not set foot in the same room with my dad. My dad could care less... he sucks it up like he should because it is not my fault they are divorced. My mom however, Grrrr... still needs to grow up.

I eloped to avoid all the mess and my mom was SO mad at me for cheating her out of a wedding.. those were her words..

I've told my mom NOT to expect 2 funerals when I die if she is still alive just so she is appeased to not have to be around my dad and his family. She'll just have to learn to deal with it or not be here.

PLEASE for the sake of your daughter... TAKE THE PICTURE

ETA: Your hubby needs to back off of his insecurity here and grow some. Your daughter should come first.

No it is not unethical. You and your ex are HER family, and it is perfectly reasonable that she would want such a picture.

Unethical???

It's your daughter's wedding. She gets to have whoever she wants in her pictures...especially her parents. If your new husband is so ridiculously insecure that he can't tolerate you being photographed with your daughter and her father...you've got WAY bigger problems to worry about.

This is why divorce is soooo painful for children no matter their age!!

Your poor daughter simply wants a picture taken with her family. Her family means HER mother and father. Not the other families her parents ended up creating after her family was torn apart.

Tell your new husband that!

Unethical to have a daughter want a picture taken with her father and mother? NO!

Unethical to rip a child's family apart then make her feel guilty for asking to have a simple picture with the people who created her?? Yes!

Please tell your new husband that this day is about the bride and groom and their wishes. The new husbands wishes go out the window when it comes to your daughter wanting something so simple and beautiful.

Because of my parent's divorce my wedding preparation and the acutal day was very difficult. It had a constant dark cloud looming for this very reason so you are gettting a bit of my raw emotion right now. Parents not wanting to stand next to eachother, new spouses had jealousies.

Ugh! I was young then and didn't have the backbone I do now. Now I just tell them not to come to family gatherings if they can't be pleasant.

I am glad you don't think your daughter's wish is unethical.

A young lady wants a photo with her parents. On HER wedding day. Who would be so petty as to deny that request? Your husband is nuts. Sorry.

If your daughter wants that picture, she gets it.

it's not about you....

it's all about what the bride wants. It's her day. It's her wedding.

& she wants her mother & father with her.
I consider that a Blessing.

She's not asking for a reconciliation. She's asking for a freakin' photo!!
Peace be with you.

I do not think that word means what you think it means.

Sorry you married a jackass.

Your husband does not understand the meaning of the word "unethical." This has nothing to do with ethics.

You are your child's parent. Your ex is your child's parent. Your child wants both her parents in one picture with her on her wedding day. Assuming here that your ex-husband has maintained good relations with the daughter you and he both share--such a photo is fine. Unless your ex and YOU have serious issues with each other (he was abusive toward you or your child, and your current husband is angered at the thought of you or daughter being near ex because of that, as an example) then it is actually very nice that your adult child wants both her parents in the picture.

Does your husband have some real reason he fears for your emotional or physical health if you do this one photo? If he does, then he should be objecting to your attending any event where your ex-husband is. Since your husband apparently is objecting ONLY to a photo, not to the very presence of your ex in the same county with you -- your husband is just plain wrong.

Jealousy, perhaps? Maybe your husband has been close to your daughter and feels cut out that daughter wants dad in the picture, literally? I think this is about your husband's feelings, not about your daughter's or ex's "ethics." Talk to him but don't let some irrational nonsense about ethics get in the way of a picture that your child wants in order to treasure her relationships with BOTH her parents.

Unless the picture is of all of you nekkid, then no, no ethics will be violated in supporting your daughter. Sheesh.

Your husband needs to get a grip. Of course it's not unethical.

What's unethical is your husband trying to prevent your daughter from having a picture taken of HER family. If your husband was going to be so threatened by your past, he shouldn't have married you.

Tell your husband to take a hike, and go ahead and have the picture taken. Jeez.

Unethical to me means dishonourable ..

I think you and your ex should *honor* your daughter's wishes and have the picture taken. Neither of you need have it up in your homes, but your daughter would likely put it up in hers.

What's up with your hubby? Don't mean to be rude, but he sounds like he has issues - this isn't up to him, it's up to the bride and you and her dad.

Good luck :)

I think the divorce is way, way, way more unethical than a lovely bride wanting to have both her biological parents in a one time family heirloom picture.

your husband is being a putz. of COURSE your daughter wants a picture with her birth family. only someone incredibly self-centered would have an issue with that.
khairete
S.

unethical: lacking moral principles; unwilling to adhere to proper rules of conduct.

He thinks it isn't morally right for you to pose with your ex to fulfill your daughter's wedding day request?

I purpose he is unethical, as well as terribly insecure, in trying to stop it.
You got a real man there honey!

I do not think he realizes the words he is using is incorrect in this instance. I am a Wedding coordinator and my husband a photographer and this situation comes up all of the time.

I am always impressed that the parents can suck it up so that their child can have a stress free celebration. If it is going to bother him , he needs to decide if he is mature enough to attend or not.

This is the Bride and Grooms day. Honor their wishes.

I think everyone else here has pretty much covered it.

By the way, just came from a wedding last weekend. The bride's attendant's were her daughter (from a previous marriage), a friend's daughter, her former step-daughter (same previous marriage), and her biological daughter (adopted from birth, whose adoptive parents also were in attendance).

It was a LOVELY ceremony and everyone had a great time. There are loads of pictures with every combination of family you could possibly imagine.

Your current husband sounds insecure, or else he's a possessive jerk, or maybe he's just an idiot about such matters. But he needs to put *his* concerns aside for the day. It isn't about *him*. It's about *THEM*.

She wants a picture with her parents. Married or not, you are both her parents and will always remain so. You respect her wishes and you take that photo so she has her memory to treasure. You each stand on either side of your daughter and smile and show the love you both have for your daughter.

This is a very important day for your daughter. She wants a picture of her bio parents in her wedding album. Don't let your new husband dictate this one. He has no say in this. Perhaps he is jealous but he needs to back down and away or there will be a huge problem.

Take the pics of the "family" unit. Take pics with the step dad and you and then the pics of dad and the step mom. Making sure all have a photo of record. When all is said and done, go your separate ways and enjoy the day.

Have you any children with your new spouse? If not he does not understand what life is all about. Sorry he is the Debbie Downer in this case but he is wrong.

Enjoy the beautiful day and let us know how it all went down.

the other S.

PS Daughter was there before the new husband. He is a little lower on the pecking order of importance.

You and your ex did not cease being your daughter's parents when you divorced. Your now husband needs to understand that your daughter wants a picture with her parents. HER parents.

He needs to suck it up and get with the program. You on one said, bride, groom and your ex-husband. Bam! Done!

Now, I would suggest having a conversation with hubby prior to the wedding and make sure he doesn't say or do anything foolish.

This isn't about what he wants, its about what the bride and groom want. He had his wedding, its her turn.

Why would your current husband even have an opinion? It is not his daughter nor his wedding day!

Your daughter wants a family picture of her and her bio parents.

I hope your husband is not a jerk at the ceremony. Or is he just jealous? Maybe you need to ask him why he thinks it is unethical. All blended families put aside their differences on a child's wedding day and do as asked by the bride or groom.

I don't think your husband really knows what unethical means.

My nephew was married last summer and my sister and her husband were gracious to my sister's ex-husband (nephew's dad) even though he deserved to be drop kicked on several occasions. They had photos with the bride, groom, parents and respective spouses, and photos of the bride and groom with biological parents.

Your husband needs to realize that this day isn't about HIM and his opinion. This is about your daughter and her fiance. I hope he can gain enough confidence to be only a support to your daughter and future son in law on their very special day. I hope he can be a support to you as well instead of being a source of stress.

Best wishes! I hope it's a lovely celebration!

This is not a "family" picture necessarily, but a picture of the bride with her parents. It's as simple as that. I would also make sure, and I'm sure she will, but take a pic with the dad and step mom and mom and step dad as well. My ex and I are both remarried and we take pics at our kids events when we are all together and no one is freaking out. A wedding especially is understandable to take a picture with the parents. Good luck.

Unethical? No...insider trading is unethical.

It's your daughter's wedding day and if she wants her bio parents in the same photo, there is nothing wrong with that. It won't be the only photo from the day, your new spouses will likely be included in other shots, so this isn't a big deal. Comply with her wishes.

Unethical?

That's a bit dramatic.

But is he thinking there is some religious objection to a divorced couple taking a picture? That would be up to your daughter to check on if she is having a religious ceremony.

Not sure what 'oath' a photographer takes but I'm sure pictures of ex's does not violate it.

She would like a 'family of origin' picture, and since she 'originates' from the two of you I think it is a pretty normal request.

As others have said, please let the day be about her.

"Unethical"

Lol.

I like how he isn't saying, "I'm not comfortable with it." or "My wife doesn't want me to do it." but, "It's UNETHICAL" so he wants to "do the right thing" and not be in the picture. What a hero! So ethical!

Tell him no one is holding a gun to his head to fulfill his daughter's wish for a wedding photo with her birth parents, but he's being selfish and immature to refuse.

Unethical NO. You are both her parents She wants a picture with her parents no harm in that. She should also have a pictures with each of her parents and their current spouses too.

While your current husband may be uncomfortable with this picture taking he needs to stop whining about it because it has nothing to do with him and everything to do with this couple and what they want on their wedding day. LOL

Share the responses given with him and perhaps he will have a better understanding.

There may be dynamics here that make him uncomfortable and/or insecure which is the real issues he needs to deal with but on your daughter's wedding day he should smile and bear it and not ruin the couple's beautiful day.

I beg of you, for the sake of your daughter, act like civilized people for the duration of the wedding festivities. I attended the wedding of my nephew about 5 years ago, unfortunately the brides parents were divorced (heck so were the grooms now that I think of it !! ). The reason it didn't occur to me at first that the grooms parents weren't together anymore?? They didn't make a big deal of it, they played nice and were both happy for their son. The bride's mother on the other hand was a raving bi#$%, she even refused to sit on the same side of the church as her ex-husband. She made it all about HER.

Give the bride and groom the special day they deserve.

M.

You do not have to stand next to each other. She or she and hubby can be between you and the ex.
It doesn't matter on that special day what happened or why you two broke up -- what does matter is that the two of you had this daughter together and you both love her and want her to be happy.
So tell the ex....
"Just shut up and smile!!"

Your husband is being ridiculous and a jerk to his step daughter.

He may have used the wrong word in the emotion he was feeling. This sounds like a convo between hubby and wife, the photo sounds like the topic but clearly there is a underlying subject. Getting to many opinions about the issue may confuse you! Talk to you hubby and find out what the real deal is.

Outside looking in a bride asking for both of the people who gave her life to be in her weeding photos is a normal request.

Unethical?
For a bride to want a photo of her & her parents?
I don't think it's even thisclose to unethical.
What's the big deal?
Is it a secret he was married before?
(Bet you a dollar Mrs #2 has her panties in a knot. Not the determining factor to dictate wedding pictures!)

I think this is a bit selfish on your husband's part. My eldest DD might want my ex in the picture for her wedding and if that is what she wants, she will get that. It is not about me, my ex or my current husband, it is about MY DAUGHTER and what she wants.
Good luck.

I cannot understand why it is unethical. Perhaps uncomfortable for some people but unethical-no. You are her parents, had her together and created the beautiful bride. It is a picture of her celebration and no one else needs to throw in their two cents. She wants it and what a wonderful moment if she could get it.

Unethical? What? What in the world does your husband even think that word means?

You two created the bride, the least you can do is have a picture taken with her. If your current husband gets up in arms about it, he's a fool.

Unethical? Really? Ethics are a matter of right and wrong. There is nothing unethical about your daughter wanting a photo with both her biological parents in it with her on her wedding day. Her wedding should be about her. You need to decide what you will do. I think your daughter's request is reasonable and your husband's response to her request is not.

ADD: Also, at my wedding, my parents (divorced) walked me down the aisle, hubby's parents walked him down the aisle.

Your daughter can do WHATEVER she wants to have her family in her wedding. Just because the tradition is for dad to "give bride away" doesn't mean it is set in stone, especially where parents are divorced and the family is "creatively arranged". She can create her own family involvement in her day.

ORIGINAL: Wow - really? Your husband is feeling threatened. Ask your hubby what his REAL problem is.

How in the world is it "unethical" for a child to have a picture of family with her PARENTS in it? Now, should you be all huggy-huggy? No, of course not, and if he's thinking that the photographer is going to set things up that way, put his mind to rest.

My parents have been divorced for 35 years - 20 when I got married. The picture of me and BOTH my parents had Mom on one side of me/hubby and dad on the OTHER side of me/hubby. Separate, but together.

Find a way to give your daughter what she's asking for - UNLESS she is actually saying that she only wants you and her bio-dad in pics, and isn't getting pics with the new step-parents, THAT would be a problem, and the conversation would have to be with her.

This would be a picture of the bride and her parents. I see no reason at all it would be unethical. Have you asked your husband what he means by that?

Ha! We just took family pictures with my family ...... Me, my mom, my dad, my stepmother, my brother, my stepsister, my stepmother's ex MIL, my stepsister's MIL, my stepsister's husband's ex MIL AND her SO, as well as all our spouses and kids (a mix of bio and adopted). Talk about a crazy family picture and we all love it and no one batted an eye. It's amazing! We may not be related, but we're family. Your husband needs to get over himself and insist on a picture with the bride too!

Unethical? That's a strange way to put it.

I have been to several weddings where pictures like this were done. It was actually quite nice, and I think the bride and groom deserve a day without angst and arguing over something like this.

Your husband needs to get over himself. Ethics have nothing to do with this. Family harmony should be the order of the day.

Your husband is using this word (which makes no sense in this context) because he is jealous and he wants to control you by using this word. This is not his daughter. He doesn't get to make this rule. This is your ex's daughter. It is HER day. She wants a picture with both her parents in it. She should get it.

Make sure the photographer takes a picture with you and your husband without the ex in it so that you can frame that picture for your home.

Yeah that's absurd. My parents were divorced when I was 6, and they took several pics with me together at my wedding. As well as their spouses.

It's her day, tell you man to get over it!

I do not think its unethical at all and I am sure she may want photos with you and your husband and her dad and his wife.

I come from a blended family (and now I am a step mother) so this sounds perfectly normal to me. I would never be offended if my step kids made requests like this.

It is perfectly reasonable! She should be able to have a picture with both her parents in it. Personally, I think it is reasonable to take that picture and then have both the new spouses join them. Additionally, mom and stepdad should be in one without the ex and so should dad and stepmom even if it is just with someone's personal camera.

No, it's definitely not unethical. I've photographed a few weddings and with the dynamics of many families there's a lot of different "family" photos taken. The bride has always requested photos with her immediate family and then the divorced parents request with their spouses, step-children and such. Family is how you define it. It seems very reasonable that your daughter would want a picture with her parents. It doesn't mean you can't do one with the step-parents, etc. also

Your husband is being ridiculous. It's your daughter's big day. She can get whatever she wants. If she wants a photo of your ex-husband, you, and her, she should get it.

Your husband is being a jerk here, your daughter has every right to want a photo with her mom and her dad on her wedding day, and your husband needs to get over himself and get on board with the fact that this is your daughters day and it is about her and her memories. He married you knowing you had a child with another man, and as such he has to accept that from time to time this other man will be a part of your life through your shared daughter, this is one of those times. If he can not handle it or he is going to cause a problem on your daughters big day then I would make him stay home.

I dealt with some of this at my own wedding and as a result I had to insist my step mother not come to the ceremony.

It's not unethical. That word choice has nothing to do with the situation. It might be uncommon, but it has nothing to do with ethics.

This is your daughter's wedding. Take the photo that she wants to take. You don't have to purchase a copy. Just smile and be happy for your daughter. This is a really important day in her life. Hopefully you are your ex have at least a cordial relationship.

Your husband needs to understand that this has nothing to do with him or your relationship. Nor does it say anything about his relationship with your daughter. All this is about is your daughter wanting a photo with her mom and dad on her wedding day.

If your husband is that upset, ask your daughter to ALSO take a photo with you and your husband. Just don't force her to buy it. She may have a different vision of how her photo album will look or what images she'd like to frame. You and your husband can purchase a copy for your own home.

Sounds like your husband is feeling threatened and insecure. These feelings are natural in blended families. The key is to not make decisions based on these feelings. I would acknowledge that it is a hard spot for him to be in and that you would be so grateful to him for allowing your daughter this wish, and that the awkward moment will be over in literally a flash.

Huh? Is this for real?

I think family is family. If one was drawing lines then only you and your ex would be her family. Any step parents are really family after all right?

So of course family pictures include all the family. I think it would be silly to demand that he not be in the same pictures as you.

She should also have a photo of the 2 of you, one on each side with just her and you guys if she wants one. That doesn't imply you're together it's just that you are her parents. I hope you can act like one and let her have her day and have her whole family in her photos.

J.

Welcome to mamapedia!!

Tell me - what is unethical about a "family" photo??! She wants a picture of her PARENTS - that is her family - right??? Doesn't matter you guys are divorced, the fact IS - YOU AND YOUR EX-HUSBAND ARE HER FAMILY. Period. End of Story.

What do you do? You stand there on one side of her and he on the other and SMILE - your daughter is an adult and you ACT LIKE AN ADULT. If it wasn't for him - she wouldn't be your daughter - if it wasn't for you - he wouldn't have HER as a daughter.

You put your animosity away. You put your big girl panties on and SMILE.

I think you need to look up what "ETHICAL" means. There's a line from a movie "you keep using that word, I don't think it means what you think it means".

It's a wedding. Get over yourself. This is your daughter. She's not asking you to sleep with him. She's not asking you to kiss him. She's asking you to stand NEXT TO HER and her father.

Not unethical. My mom and dad did it at my brother's wedding. They also had pics of my mom and her fiancé taken with him, then my dad and his girlfriend taken with him. If it is what she wants then do it, tell him this day isn't about him. Focus on making her happy :)

Neither of my kids have gotten married yet, but at graduations, we just put one parent on each side of them in the photos, and then took another shot with the steparents included. Same thing when I got married, and my parents were divorced. The parents are still the parents, whether or not they're still married. We need to suck it up and do what the kids want in these situations. Her stepfather needs to keep his mouth shut, smile, and cooperate. This isn't about who's married to who. It's about who her PARENTS are.

It might be unethical if your daughter wanted you to pretend to be married to your ex during her wedding, but as far as I can tell she is asking to have her picture taken on her wedding day with her mother and father. Nothing unethical or even the least bit odd about that.

Your ex husband is maybe getting pressure from his current lady? it's not unethical - no one is trying to portray that you're married to eachother, - the bride wants her mother and father - which is accurate - you're not married but you are her parents.

My sister is divorced and her kids at their wedding got whatever photos they wanted and my sister and her ex sucked it up for the few moments out of their lives that it took.

I have seen many different combinations. It is a personal preference and your current husband seems to be the only one uncomfortable. Here's the thing, if he is uncomfortable, is he going to be miserable because your X was in the same frame as his wife? Know ahead of time how this is going to affect the mood of the wedding. If it will cause that much upset, ask your daughter if she doesn't mind a photo with just you and then a photo of just dad. A good strong photographer will move quickly and have control of the situation. Before your husband has the chance to fuss about things, it's over and he is in getting a drink at the bar to settle him down (hopefully).

The photographer could also green screen the three of you, teehee.

Something else to consider, I have seen a family photo go down and they asked the groom to be excused and ahem, I couldn't help but notice the look of disappointment on his face.

I would talk to the people involved. Some families are OK with this and some are not. If my DH asked me about such a photo, it would also depend on who asked. If my stepdaughter asked, then perhaps a compromise can be reached with all the parents in the photo (steps included).

As a stepmother, I can understand your' husband's hurt. I would call it "hurtful" vs "unethical" especially if I felt excluded elsewhere. I get your daughter's POV, but she also needs to bear in mind that you and her dad are no longer married to each other and this may be awkward. I'd rather a photo with the MOB an FOB separately than together, especially if there is no post-divorce friendship. My DH has no love lost with his ex. He would not be comfortable with such a photo. We took graduation photos per household.

You may also want to talk to her about why she wants this setup vs another one.

Your poor daughter. Sounds like your husband is manipulative. How long have you been remarried? How is this even a question?