TOTALLY Hypothetical Question, JFF...

Love doesn't pay the bills.

I agree with Jessica. She *thinks* there will be happiness, but struggling to make ends meet doesn't sound like happiness to me at all. Financial struggles can be death to any relationship. They lead to resentment, fear, and a whole slew of other emotions.

And double that if there are little mouths to feed involved.

an adult? i'd express my concerns, probably (diplomatically!) but i'd stay out of it. i did not ever permit my parents to interfere in my personal relationships and i don't think my kids would appreciate it either.
it's disempowering to assume an adult isn't capable of handling the vagaries of romance.
khairete
S.

It depends. You didn't mention something: ambition. Does he have ANY?
Some guys will be content to putter around from job to job their entire lives. I have a good friend who married someone like that. And she is quite happy.
But, some guys are just at that place in their lives where they don't really have a "reason" to act much on their ambitions just yet. A wife and family can be plenty of motivation. Or not.

If he seems like a "slacker" then I wouldn't talk down about him, but I wouldn't be ga-ga over him, either. I'd wait and see how things go. If he just isn't financially stable, but has ambition and is a hard worker, then I'd have no problem with "endorsement".

That (financially, and in general everything else) was my husband when we first started dating. Except he had room mates so wasn't even really living on his own.

He now makes 150k- 250k per year
(yep, same guy who doesn't want to pay even $1 in child support).

He went from a broke nice guy, to a well off jerk.

So, for me, there's really no telling.
I'm somewhat comforted by the maxim :
"You'll never meet a sociopath you don't like."

________

Ahem.

"I don't think that word means what you think it means."
- Fezik, The Princess Bride

In this case "hypothetical" instead of inconceivable

_______

There's also an old saying:

First for Love
Second for Friendship
Third for Money

In regards to multiple divorces, that's the trend, statistically in the Western World (In the easter / polygamous world it's backwards, first wife for power/money, 2nd for friendship, 3rd for love). Also statistically, it's when a woman or man breaks the cycle and marries someone with all THREE wrapped up in one person that the divorcing stops.

So for my hypothetical daughter... I'd want her to really look at the entire puzzle instead of just the pieces of the puzzle. Love isn't enough. Friendship isn't enough. Money / Lifes goals & ambitions isn't enough. All 3 together in a functioning dynamic? Then we're talking turkey.

i would ask her if she just divorced a loser and has she learned anything from it, hypothetically.

OF COURSE!!! You never know what will happen!!

Life is a struggle....it isn't perfect for ANYONE!!!

I'd rather have true happiness and love over money...yeah, money has its perks - no lying there - however - it CANNOT buy you happiness..

if this man loves my daughter, RESPECTS my daughter and contributes to her happiness??? YOU ARE WELCOME WITH OPEN ARMS!!!

So who's the lucky guy to get you?!!

I will answer your "hypothetical" question, in a response this is factual to my own life. I was 21 and he was 22 when we met. He was exactly as you described above. We lived together for 5 years, and then decided to get married. My mother knew him well, and did say to me "You know he will never be able to take care of you, the way you will need him to." I replied, "I know, but I love him, and he makes me happy". And, he did. Until I realized, the reason why he didn't have a better job or make better money, or do the best he could at whatever he was doing, was because he lacked ambition. He was content having nothing, and wasn't at all interested in making our life any better. The marriage only lasted 2 years.

As long as he's not dragging her down-- I dont think there's anything wrong with falling in love with someone that is not rich, geez.

I was raised by a mother that kept telling me "you can fall in love with a rich man just as easily as a poor man, so go for the rich"..... hello?--- Love really doesnt have a price tag....and as a result I always looked for the "underdogs", LOL.

Falling for someone and doing the dating thing... time will figure it out, she'll either grow and thrive with him or grow tired and bored of him, that's what we do.

I would dissuade a relationship that had criminal, drug, or laziness involved, other than that love is love.

Well it depends... is he financially struggling because of circumstance or because of lack of ambition? Is it because he's finishing up school? He was laid off? He quit a job to follow a passion. Or is it because he really likes to play his playstation??
l was in the former position. I met my better half during college. My mother said, "think long and hard about this. A break up is difficult, but divorce is life altering." I thought about it and married him anyway. I am pretty sure bets were being taken at our wedding. But 16 years later, we are still together. And I provided for him in the beginning while he finished school. It was a tough struggle. We did without. We ate a lot of ramen. We fought. We stressed. But we made it through. Now we are comfortable. and the financial struggle is over. I stay at home and he provides. People change, mature and refocus. So I guess my answer to your question about giving my blessing is ...maybe.

Dump him! Proof is always in the pudding - and he has no future financial prospects because of a HUGE character flaw.

His lack of motivation won't be limited to his income.

He won't be motivated to work on the relationship. He won't be motivated to help with the kids. He won't be motivated to save for the down payment on the new house.

Hypothetically wish him the best, and keep fishing. :)

Is the adult daughter single, childless, self-sufficient and WANTING a man, not NEEDING a man? If so, then sure, she'd have my blessing because her CHOICE only effects her, right?

Wow, sounds like me and my husband 18 years ago! I married for love and got damn lucky. He is the most awesome man I have ever met. He is completely respectful of me, himself, and our marriage. We struggled together through our finances (still do, frankly), but we have a strong marriage and a happy family life and I wouldn't change a thing. With the divorce rate is as high as it is I'm shocked that you would even ask this question. The alternative is marrying for money and we all know how long and unstable those marriages can be.

So to answer your question I would encourage the relationship wholeheartedly but suggest they seek financial guidance too.

Isn't that my daughter's boyfriend now? Oh, wait, he doesn't have his own place but in a year he will have his masters.

Ya never know how things will turn out.

Sure Christine has a huge safety net and he doesn't but who else is going to take care of that apple that fell off my tree. :)

All you need is love!

That was my husband when I first met him. He is doing very well for himself, thank you very much. At the time I met him, he had been dealt circumstances out of his control. The thing about my husband is he had the motivation and ambition to make more of his life financially. So, he did.

I suppose I would be leery, if my daughter jumped into the relationship fully, if she had just left another. (This would be with ANY man.) If the man was stuck, because of a lack of ambition I would be worried. If he does not care to ever make more of himself, he doesn't really care about the woman. Does he WANT to take care of a woman? Does he WANT to provide for her? Or, is he happy skipping along his merry path, in the place he's in forever? In that case, I can't imagine the woman being happy for long. I would express that to my daughter, but ultimately it's her choice alone.

If his situation is just now, and there is a brighter financial future...I would be happy! I measure success by happiness and fulfillment. I would be thrilled, that she would have a happy and successful life. I can't imagine my daughter would be happy scraping by, because her man doesn't care to do better. I would want more for her. I don't care if she's rich or poor, but I do care if her man loves her enough to want to provide. A life can't be made just on love. That only works in the movies.

Since the daughter is an adult, there should be no dissuading or blessing needed. The parent has the right to an opinion, that is it. Unless the parent has a crystal ball, who is to say what will and won't work in this hypothetical situation. Ideas of financial stability vary from person to person. There is no red flag in this scenario in any way form or fashion considering the term financially stable is not substantiated and ages aren't given. And nothing should be done or said...she's an adult.

You say in your post "They will know true happiness (and struggle, yes)". THEY WILL KNOW TRUE HAPPINESS.

How can you not give your blessing to 'true happiness'. There is always a struggle of some sort in life. Always. I would rather have true happiness than money.

Sorry to all you "love is cute" and "reality sets in" guys......love will get you through anything, even financial stuff. Yeah it's rough, but the fact that you love each other will get you through it. Together you find a way. When there's no love but there is money, everything means nothing. "Can't buy me love" best describes it. YOu could be a billionaire but if your SO loves you not, you have nothing. That's the reality.
In answer to your question.....she's an adult. Share your concerns but ultimately she will make the decision. Remember... the more you say no, the more she'll go out and do it....the more open you are, the easier it will be for her to make whatever decision she feels is right. Out of all the things we want for our children, a person to love, honor and cherish our child is on the top of my list. Should it fail, be there to support her, not to tell her I told you so. Good luck!

YES! Money isn't everything. Its only a tool. Some of the happiest people I know are homeless, loving, kind, giving people. Most people are only a few paychecks away from being homeless.

I would much rather want my kids to be happy, in love and struggle a little than to be rich and miserable.

I'm confused why you think he has nothing to offer her. It may be you think he has nothing to offer YOU (the general you, since this is hypothetical), but YOU aren't going to be with him. She is.

So - I would tell her if she's happy, I'm happy. I would welcome him and I would support her in whatever she decided. I'm raising my daughter to understand that there are consequences to EVERY action and decision she makes. She lives with those. I just love her no matter what. It's not up to me to make decisions or judgements on what makes her happy if she's an adult.
That's not the mom I want to be.

I would offer my concerns, but that's all. He really doesn't sound like a great catch to me, to be honest. She "thinks" she's falling in love with a guy who sounds like Prince Charming and she "thinks" will give her "true happiness" while they struggle.... sorry, but that's not a recipe for happily every after or true love. That's not a man who can provide for his family along side his partner. Any woman today needs her EQUAL in every way.

I would let it play out. I have a feeling he's less Prince Charming than she thinks he is.

If he has a job, and his own place, then, of course I would give my blessing. I repeat, he has a job, and can afford his own place..I wouldn't argue with that one..I think that if you love someone wholeheartedly, good things are bound to happen.

Living on love is just such a cute concept.
And then eventually reality sets in and the bickering over money starts.
Every couple argues over money at some point or another.
Some men would have a hissy fit over the woman earning more than they do - it's a kick to their ego.
Other men have no problems with it, but not all of that group are totally desirable.
THIS particular guy has a job, so he's not likely to sit home playing games all day while being supported by his significant other.
How long has he been in his current situation?
Is he content? Has he no get up and go?
SOME drive to succeed is a nice to have item in everyone.
My husband and I married out of college when we had nothing but we had jobs and the promotions for both of us kept coming.
She's got a big decision to make.
Keep her thinking about the long view and her goals in life.
Some goals can not be achieved with a dead weight hanging around your neck.

Money doesn't buy happiness. I'd tell her to put off children until financial situations improve (and explain what little money we lived on when she was little). And of course I would give her my blessing! :)

I would advise her to remain cautious, and pray for her.

Turn it around to a son who is dating a woman you would describe that way. Would that concern you?
Is your daughter able to contribute more financially? I was making significantly more than my husband when we married.
I would say she is probably lucky to have him.

Financially struggling causes stress. Stress diminishes happiness and laughter. Less happiness and laughter means less intimacy. Less intimacy creates animosity and anger. Animosity and anger causes marriages to break up.

If this was my daughter I would strongly encourage her to look at the long-term potential for happiness because while there are those who will say that money does not buy happiness... money can create a sense of stability upon which to build a happy life. Love does not conquer all things... after several broken relationships I know you realize this as well!

Would I give my blessing? Of course. I'm her mother, not her warden. I would, however, make sure that she had really thought it through. For what it's worth, my mother had the "opposite" conversation with me before I walked down the aisle with an investment banker at the age of 25. The result? I gave the ring back because there was no "balance". There was more money than we would really ever need, but no time together and I knew I would end-up as a "married single parent" living in what my mother referred to as a "guilded cage".

I'm glad to see your name again and hope all is well.

Most young couples start out this way. They usually get married right out of college, with entry level salaries, and student loans, and they struggle, but they struggle less if they pool their resources. It is up to both of them to manage their resources responsibly and build a life and financial stability together. If they can live within their means, and they are hard workers they should be fine. I'm just assuming you mean he doesn't make a lot of money. If he not financially stable due to lots of credit card debt and foolish spending habits I would advise her to run...

I would discourage it. There's lots of great guys out there that makes lots of money. Isn't finances the #1 reason why couples divorce? No, I say look for a man that can offer you everything...they are out there, I have one myself. =)

I could have married a richer man. But I married the one I loved and I don't regret it for a second. What I don't understand is how he has enough money to make it on his own, but they couldn't make it on two salaries? Where are they living that two salaries is harder to live on than one?

I think it depends ont he child. She is a responsible adult and should know herself well enough to know what she wants/needs in life. Me, personally, I KNOW I would not be happy pinching pennies, budgeting, living pay check to pay check, etc. It would cause contention and problems down the line - hence unhappiness. Yes, it is a character flaw on my part and is pretty superficial - but it is me and I know it. (I wasn't looking for jets, first class all the way, huge private estates, but I knew I wanted to live comfortably in the upper middle class). I use to tell me then boyfriend (now husband) that I had a certain "upkeep cost"

I have a childhood friend who can get by happily extremely frugally and enjoys the simplicities in life. Her "upkeep cost" is very minimal.

Now, if the daughter were like me I would probably point that out to her and how difficult it would be moving forward in a relationship like that. However, finding a man like you describe is often difficult and don't come around everyday. If she were like my friend, I would tell her that money can't buy happiness and she has a good man standing by her and she is lucky that she will most likely be so happy in life with her partner. But either way, just encourage her to be very honest about who she is as an individual person and what she expects and wants in her life.

Love can make you feel richer than money! and it will pay off more than any amount of money will. Love is not about money!!!! never will be in our home that is why we fight to teach our girls how to be able to provide for themselves ect..... What is important to us is if the two can make an awsome team!!! bottom line period.

You can have all the money in the world and if the two do not make a good team than the money will not make it better. If the 2 will make a good team they can put what they have together and make a way.

It sounds like he has all of the things that truly matter in a relationship, so yes, she would have my blessing.

Education is probably the most important factor in our family that wasn't mentioned in your post. I am an AP English teacher, and we discuss education every single day. My boys know that I hope they will be life long learners, whether they are in school or not. I hope that they will end up with partners who will also value education, but the values you mentioned are ultimately more important - being caring, considerate, kind, and making others laugh (a must for me!).

You described my boyfriend. My mom lectured M. saying I should "go after" a guy with money...did I listen? Nope am I glad? Yup=) As long as they have the drive and go to work each day and can hold a job you can encourage and help them find their path career wise. My boyfriend wants to go back to school now, and I'm going to do everything I can to help that process along!
My ex was a college grad unemployed bus driver when we first move out together at 18 and 23 years old. I applied for jobs for him and he is in a great position making great money now.I do think the drive to provide for your family is more important than amount of money. My boyfriend works 12 hour days and brings home less than I do, but works ten times harder...thats what matters to M., his desire not his current ability

It would depend on the details of the situation. Is he not financially stable because of lack of ambition, work ethic, or education? Or is it because he's just starting out? You never know where a person can end up if they try. Is the daughter in a position to keep moving up? Some women like to be the breadwinners, you don't have to look for a husband to support you anymore. As long as he isn't lazy or unwilling to work I would give my blessing and be happy that my daughter chose someone for the good reasons of character and love rather than finances.

For my daughters, the first and most important question is how is his relationship with God. Without a solid, strong, and growing relationship with God, my advice would be to run away fast. Secondly, does he want children? If so, and she does also, does he plan on working hard enough so that she can stay home with them? What are her goals, what does she want long-term? Will he provide for her, or will she be trapped providing for him? I don't think money is the most important issue. His love of God and his character are way more important.

Life is too short and too tough to struggle

Love doesn't = $$$. That said, as much as we may try to deny it, a long term relationship/marriage is, in part, a business transaction. The daughter would have to consider the long haul. Will she grow to resent this person when she can never afford the luxuries of life or will she be content so long as she has him???? Something to consider very seriously! Personally, so long as he is independent and willing to work, it would be fine for me. I don't expect to be rich, just don't wanna be poor (been there, don't want to go back and anyone who snubs me for that has never had to worry about where their next meal is coming from)!

Hi, R.:
It sounds too good to be true.
Let it play itself out. The truth will
reveal itself in time.
You could write a love story.
All the Best.
D.