Could You Be with Someone That Was Not Your Equal?

I would say yes, but it leads me to another question. If he read this post would he want to stay with you?

Well if someone is constantly thinking they are better than someone, then I guess that would be hard..
Just because you could be better at somethings than someone else doesnt mean they are inferior to you. Good luck with that!

Wow, this question really makes me bristle. The first part of this question sounds so arrogant. Then I can't help but think this is EXACTLY what most men think about their wives.

But what you wrote at the end... Yes. If I could afford a sweet, hands on guy like that, and I assume the marital bed is a happy one and that he's faithful. Yeah. In a heartbeat.

Yup! My husband only made it to 7th grade in Mexico City and then had to stop going to school so he could work and help his family. English is not his first language...but I am fluent in Spanish and he actually speaks English just fine, it's just not his *first* language. He never reads a book, ever. He doesn't balance the bank account, he doesn't even know the number! (and it's been the same for 8 years) He pays none of the bills, he pleads ignorance. He doesn't really know much about what's going on in the world.
He is a great dad. He loves me. He constantly tells me how great I am as a mother. He works HARD for his family. He is constantly on the move, doing new things to bring more work into his business. He reassures me when things are tough. He rejoices with me when I do something fabulous (I lost a bunch of weight, I got my translating certificate). He helps his friends and my family when they need it.
Yeah, he and I are probably a little different in the smarts area, but that doesn't make him dumb. He is very very smart, not book smart...life smart! And to me, that's all that matters.
L.

I think it's a mistake to marry someone you look down on and consider yourself superior to, particularly when about the only positive attributes mentioned are his looks and the way he picks up the slack and makes you feel good about yourself. (I mean the you hypothetically, as stated in your question, not personally). From my observation of couples where one spouse or the other considers their spouse below them, there always ends up being problems, almost inevitably stemming from the dissatisfaction of the "superior" one who is unable to simply accept the person they are with.

IMO, it's not about equality so much as filling in each other's blanks. 2 parts making a whole. Mayble he's not all of the things traditionally associated with being the "man of the house" but it sounds like he's got what counts in spades. If he is all of these things then I'm guessing he is also your husband/life partner and therefore hes not spending your money, he's spending the family's. I would absolutely spend the rest of my life (esp. considering 12yrs and children) with someone who possesses the qualities you describe.

If you are feeling intellectually unstimulated then maybe you need to broaden your circle a little. There is nothing wrong with having complex conversations with other like-minded individuals. Maybe take a class at your local college, or look for a meetup group. They exist for basically every interest these days.

Hopefully, this is just speculation and your mind wandering/wondering, and you know how good it sounds like you have it :)

I think all people are equal but not the same. I do things my husband can't and my husband does things I can't. I think we are a team that works together to take care of our family. I think taking care of our children is just as important as bringing in the money to fund the family. I would never say the person who takes care of the children is less equal to the person making the money.

I think a lot of MEN might feel this way about their girlfriends/wives... Because I think it's very common for guys to end up in relationships with women who did not finish college, do not have career skills or knowledge of office politics or corporate culture, do not know how household appliances or cars work, and do not earn any wages for the household. But the women have other qualities that make their lives worthwhile and family life happy.

Hypothetically speaking, could you imagine a successful business man being happily married to a SAHM who has never seriously worked, is a little materialistic, likes to spend the money he makes and holds a high school education...? (My point is: Careful how you answer you own question because you might offend a lot of your women friends in the same situation).

Society directs women to seek relationships with men who are socially above them. Men tend to seek relationships with women who are more dependent on them or equal, but usually not on a higher hierarchy than them.

But really, in a day where over half of the marriages fail, I think it depends on your compatibility and day to day happiness. If his shortcomings bug you now, rather than his personality and attributes, then I don't think the relationship can survive longterm. Because, after ten years, it's the little things that start to be more and more annoying and influence someone into believing they are no longer 'in love'.

well in a sense, I am in this situation currently, but the way you describe it, it almost sounds like I would consider myself better then him, which I don't. Intellectually, I am definitely the book smart one, but he brings his own knowledge of the world to the relationship. He doesn't always get every joke that I say and he is an AWFUL budgeter. I usually have to do all of that type of household duties. He has things that he'd like to accomplish, but has difficulty figuring out clear paths to achieve them. Usually I have to guide him with this. He makes money, but not nearly as much as I do nor does he have a great interest in the schooling that would be needed to make more then me. Because of this, I'm the primary breadwinner and usually have to pay for most things. His money helps with some extra expenses though (although currently most of his money goes to daycare for our son and then side money for him to go out and my check covers almost everything else and then side money for me to go out, if we go out together, we usually split it or I pay for it).

With all that being said my boyfriend is incredibly sweet, loyal, and faithful to me. He is the most amazing father and loves his kids more then anything. He would die for his kids. They are the most important thing to him and I am second only to them. He is incredibly handsome and spontaneous. He does what he can for the family. He does things that frustrate and drive me crazy, but I have found that it doesn't mean he's not trying. He is doing what he knows and I can't expect him to change and be a different man. I have respect for him even with our slight role reversal because of who he is as a person, not because of how much money he brings in. We may not be "equal" but we both provide something to the relationship that makes it more interesting and worth the time of being together.

I will also say that my mom and dad were never equals and she was in a much similar situation to me at the moment. They have been together 31 years.

As long as he isn't over buying and I am able to keep up with the bills to keep a house over our head... yes.

You just have to know the external things don't matter as much. Will this man support you emotionally as you get older? Will it be nice to hold his hand when your mind isn't as sharp? Will your kids remember fondly all the times they spent with the two of you?

Do you love him?

I have made that mistake twice-and will not do it again.

No, unless it was the husband I have now and some sort of head injury or something like that changed him. I will always love my husband, even if he changed mentally or physically. I would not start out a marriage with a man like you described simply because I would not fall in love with someone like that. Intelligence has always been something that I have been drawn to.

Well, if he was smart but a complete jerk would you want to live with that? Personally I would be happy with a nice, loyal, respectable guy that was slow than a smart guy that sits down as soon as he gets home, ignores the kids and me, and only is interested in talking or looking at me when he wanted intimate contact. Smarts are not everything, sometimes, in fact, they add up to nothing if you have no drive and only use your intellect to defeat the newest video game.

I wouldn't care about the money, especially if he was caring for our children while I was at work. Honestly, I would not be able to spend my life with someone who is "kinda dumb." That would get to me. But, intelligence is a big turn on for me. It always has been. I wouldn't be attracted to someone just because he is gorgeous and sweet. I would rather have a well-rounded, articulate, funny, intelligent average looking man over a physically beautiful dumbass any day.

No, my first husband had a low iq and it affected his job, his ability to make good decisions, and my decision to divorce him. He hid it well until after were married. Plus, I was depressed and battling a deadly disease when people counciled me to marry him because he was helping me and had insurance. Then it turned out I didn't have cancer and I stayed out of loyalty.
I should have never married him.

I could so long as he wasn't taking advantage of me financially. Who cares if he's not hoo bright ad long as he makes you feel great about yourself and you're happy! No man is perfect so the fact that he's s great dad, sweet and helps with the housework are major pluses!

Are you happy then?
If so, then fine.

The main thing is, what YOU think.

Theoretically, if we dated our "equal" then both partners would have the same strengths and weaknesses. That sets for a very rough life, as you would both need help in the same way at the same times and couldn't help one another.

People are different for good reason, and should balance each other out to provide things that the other may be lacking.

That said, you either love someone for who they are and forgive their faults as they are obviously forgiving yours, or you don't and you move on.

AWESOME question... reminds me of my 'little book of questions', have you read that? Anyway, I think everything has it's balance, the yin to your yang, opposites attract type of thing. Me personally, for me, it would be really frustrating being with someone who isn't around 50/50 intellectually equal. Even 40/60 would be do-able... because our differences are what make us who we are and make things work better as a couple. We all can't be on the same page about everything!

And honey, my guy was that dumb, half broke gorgeous sweet guy when we met, LMAO!! The half broke thing has turned around a bit, but everything else still stands, and of course I still love him!! When we first met he didn't have a car, he had a work truck that he had to give back when he lost his job. 4 years later, we're still using MY cars. I'm no sugar mama, but he definately contributes enough to make the 'not having a car' thing a moot point :)

Hope that's what you were looking for! love Jodi's answer :)

It sounds to me like you have reverse roles. You are the bread winner and he is a stay at home daddy and househusband. The question is are you happy? You've all ready been with him for 12 yrs, so if there are no other major issues i'd stay with him. If you have been married for 12 yrs i'd think you should be sharing bank accounts and everything else equally. He's taking care of the kids and house while you work that should count for something!

Hi T.-

I guess my question would be...could 'he' be with 'her'?

Hypothetically... saying someone is "not your equal" is politically incorrect!

But I think I understand what you mean.

This hypothetical gentleman is sweet, charming, helpful, romantic. He is not financially adept (either at managing money or at making it), he is not good at making choices, he is helpless in many ways, he is not sharp upstairs. He needs someone to take care of him.

The hypothetical lady in this post is the assertive one, the wage-earner, the decision-maker. She needs someone to encourage her.

Could they spend the rest of their lives with each other? Only if they BOTH can see past their differences and each other's shortcomings, and can consistently hold one another in high esteem for the rest of their lives (an old-fashioned way of putting it, true, but it's more than just liking or having affection).

In this hypothetical situation, since the decision-making, money-making person is already annoyed and believes she is being taken advantage of, I would say the esteem isn't there. If they already have children together, I'd say some non-hypothetical counseling is in order.

I went out with a guy like that. I decided that I could not spend the rest of my life with him. I needed someone who would challenge me intellectually. I figured that I would lose respect for him and be embarrassed by him even though he was so sweet, fun, generous, and considerate. I was even afraid that I would become like my mother, cruel and insulting because I "knew" that he would just put up with it. I broke up.

I married a guy who was everything that I ever wanted. I worked three jobs to put him through law school. Nothing I do is ever good enough for him. I do not have any input into decisions because I don't know anything (even though my IQ has been tested as quite high:168 unofficially and 149 officially). As for my own ambitions. I have forgotten about them long ago. It takes every ounce of my energy to make this marriage work.

I have fantasies about the other guy. How I wish that I had been able to see his gifts: his intelligence. He was smart enough to make me feel special and cherished. He had a heart as big as Texas. He could make every day fun. He could read my moods and say or do just the right thing.

My husband may have certain gifts. He may be able to remember every law, every name, and every number, but even if my husband tried, he wouldn't be able to read my moods or anticipate my needs.

If you weren't already so involved, I would say, decide what is really important to you. Some black and white list is not always right. Since you have been together so long. Appreciate, appreciate, appreciate what you do have and never make him feel inferior.

SLM shares my same thoughts. Wasn't this the case with marriages in the old days when woman couldn't go to school or sometimes not equal schools? When they stayed home and took care of the kids and rarely left the house?

I think you would need to determine if what he brings to the relationship balances what you bring to it. We all have different strengths and I would guess that he is possibly very smart or ahead in other areas. I wouldn't expect my husband to be good at all the things I am good at. My husband is great at computers, money management, and is more logical than I am. I have my own strengths. Together, we make a better team because we are good at different things.
I think in any relationship you will also find that you have to bring in "supporting players" for example I can talk to my husband about a lot of things, but he could not care less about... oh, literature, for example. And we do not see eye to eye on politics and religion, so we don't talk about them to each other. I have some great friends and other family members I can talk to about those things if I need to. Your man might not be the greatest to share jokes with or discuss the stock market, but if you have plenty of other things you can do together and talk about together, I think you can be happy and successful in your relationship as long as you aren't expecting him to change.

UM - kinda my life and it is incredibly frustrating!!!!!!!!!!!! My husband is smart but doesn't 'apply' himself at all - doesn't know how to get anywhere if it isn't as close as around the corner - sense of direction-none. Working on cars - what's so and so's #. I make the majority of the money and he spends.........I'm doing it, I'm frustrated about it and exhausted......but he's a very loving dad and I stay for that.....

To add more to my response - lets see if this fits:
watches Spongebob regularly - even if the kids aren't home. (oh, and iCarly too)
Gets angry if I suggest getting rid of his 'action figures' in a garage sale.
still has his Garbage Pail kids - and is proud of it.

Absolutely! If he loved me and was honest, caring, kind to others; if he was a wonderful father and role model for them. There are many men that marry women not as smart as them and don't make as much money. These women sometimes want the most expensive restaurants, clothes, purses, shoes, vacations, spa days, etc. And they may not even work at all. That is ok with society. If I was the bread winner of my family I would expect my husband to have nice things. And just as it's not HIS money while I stay home and he works, it wouldn't be MY money if I worked and he stayed home. When married at least in our home - any money earned is OUR money no matter who earns more. In the early days of my marriage I earned a lot more than my husband. His job took years of training and earning very little. Then he passed me by and makes more now than I could ever hope to earn. But neither of us put the other down for the amount we made. After all money is not what is most important - love is.

It sounds like this man you are writing about is a wonderful husband and father. I say enjoy having a man who loves you and your children as much as sounds like he does. Cleaning the car, house, and cooking - wow that is something most women can only dream about.

No one has every desirable quality.
I do the routine automotive maintenance like changing oil and filters. Recently, when a wheel broke on our lawnmower, I took the broken wheel off,he took it to the hardware store to get a replacement for it, and I reassembled the mower. I hooked up all our home electronics.
He does most of the cleaning and pet care.
Right now, he's working part-time while trying to find something full-time, and I work full-time. But we're both pretty good at pinching pennies. My ex, on the other hand, hated to work, and loved to spend my money - that wasn't something I was able to tolerate.
Intellectually, we're pretty evenly matched. I don't think I could be married to someone that I couldn't have a conversation with.

This question is so uber-subjective. It depends on so much. You've described me and my husband to a T, and the latter part more than makes up for the first. He puts up with me when I'm at my worst so that he can enjoy me when I'm at my best too. That's what true love is.

it takes hard work, but you can if you let go of the negative. if you love him and are 100% committed to him, then you will work it out. i have similar issues, but my husband is plenty smart, in some ways - he just has NO clue how to be nice and considerate of people. it is a HUGE hurdle. he also has dyslexia and ADD, which means most of the time he doesn't even bother to try to read or write. and honestly i can't blame him too much. but it makes him appear ignorant and selfish and i hate that people see him that way. it is tempting to think that because i am book smart, keep a good job, am raising (much alone) a great kid, that i am "better" than him and our problems aren't MY problems, they're caused by ways that HE is wrong. but any relationship is a two way street. so if you're going to be in this relationship, you have got to commit to making up for his faults, and allow him to make up for yours. a lifetime of it, helping each other. to some people, reading things very slowly, never leaving notes in cursive, only very neat clean writing, reading all the fine print, filling out all forms, and all the other little things i do for my husband, is ridiculous and they wouldn't do it. but i love him. i don't mind. (most of the time lol)

my hubby may SEEm lacking in certain areas, but he has lots going for him in others. Where I might FEEL superior (I dont) he might not see those things as qualities, as I may overlook qualities in him deemed uninportant to me. For me, the relationship is about equality, sharing, love & happiness. Even if one is the breadwinner and one the sahm or dad, its our money, our home, our family. I cant understand people who have separate accounts etc. Its a marriage, and its a union of many many things....

I knew a guy like that years ago. I married the ambitious, go-getter I met after him. Looking back I can honestly say I probably would not have had the respect for him since I was reared by a father who was a professional and go-getter. HOWEVER, I also look back and see I missed being cherished, something I never got from the one I married. He was too busy, and reared in a home that didn't value women in that way. They were all equals and worked equally hard! I realized this fact even more when after 30 years the first guy called to wish me a happy birthday! My husband never remembered my b-day in 30 years! So, you just have to realize you won't get everything you want. I know youth is wasted on the young because TODAY I would choose the guy who cherished me. But I probably would not have valued that at age 20. I've had some advantages I might not have had with the first guy, so it's always a toss-up. My dad always taught us a man can reach down and pull a woman up, but a woman can't reach down and pull a man up. You have to decide this for yourself.

I think the larger question here is do we think we could spend our lives with someone that considers us their intellectual inferior? And that's a pretty clear NO.

I honestly couldn't be with someone who was basically a stud for children and there just for my vanity and being someone to clean up after me and my kids. He has to actually have something to offer in conversation, have a lot in common with me, stimulate me intellectually, and be fun to be around as well as be a good father and all of those other things. In other words, I want (and have) a well rounded partner. I don't want half a man.

Really the question for YOU is... do you love him enough to overlook it all?

My husband and I are both intelligent people (in my opinion at least)- but we are not intelligent in the SAME ways. There are times when he has had to step up, and given the opportunity - he has. I have too. When we have problems that are complicated I am usually the one who tries to "figure out" a bunch of plans to fix the situation... he usually says "It'll all pan out in the end, and we'll figure something out".

- You know what? He is usually right. My husband is the breadwinner, but it wasn't always the case. When we got married I was the one with the scholarships and the "big dreams" to go far and do a lot. I was the one who was going to be the "big acheiver" in our little family. Sometimes I DID feel like I was just dragging him along for the ride... yeah he went to college, but he did it more for ME than for him. Life happened, and we ended up backtracking after a few years... I needed to find my happiness, and the goals I though would bring me that- weren't. So we "treaded water" for a little while and I worked and supported us for a year or so, while he tried to find something he really loved to do. It was an unexpected miracle when suddenly we got pregnant and the winds "changed" in our lives and we found a new direction. Having been the one who was prepared for everything, I found myself completely terrified and excited and confused with the prospect of really truly becoming a mom.

During my pregnancy, my husband stepped up and filled the role I needed him to fill. I never went back to work when I took my maternity leave. And I cannot judge him as being "less intelligent than me" Because what he lacks, I usually have, and what I lack he has. Marriage isn't about "equaling each other" as much as it is about balancing each other out.

By the way it sounds like your husband's "happiness" isn't at work... like me he found it at home instead. Have you found your "happiness"? If so, don't second guess fate!

Good Luck!
-M.

I would think it was easier for HER to be with HIM, then HIM to be with HER. He has redeeming qualities, that make life easier. She sounds like she feels pretty good about herself. Like...get over yourself good. I wonder if ANYONE could be with her...

That's really hard... because you want BOTH sides of that coin, not just one.

Being a SAHParent is a big deal never forget the worth of one. If he's wanting an expensive drink or menu item - why deny him that if he cleans the house, makes dinner, takes care of the kids all day, etc? If it was turned around and a Mother complained hubby was being stingy with his money when it came to her - we'd all be telling her we agreed.

The part about never getting it, not having any motivation or ambition, etc... that tends to be something that is necessary for a healthy discourse and growth opportunity.

So overall... my answer is "I don't know"

would you rather spend it with someone that stimulates you intellectually, but ignores you most of the time, gets all you jokes and ruins the punch lines, tries to solve all your complex problems even when you don't want his help and is controlling when you don't want to do it his way, has strong budgeting skills, so strong that buying you a birthday present or taking you our to dinner after a hard day just doesn't fit the plan. who spends so much time working that he doesn't have time for you or the kids. someone who doesn't even know what color your eyes are, let alone what you first date was.

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. If you are already married to this man, I would say "yes" in some ways you described me and my hubby, only he is the smart one and I'm the one who is very budget conscious, but I love him despite our differences, and yes some days are harder than others, but the pay off is worth it. and the value to our beautiful children is worth it too! Find the common ground that brought you together in the first place, start there and rebuild your relationship. (and as a budget conscious person I recommend Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover or Financial Peace University books about getting on the same page with spending habits, it has been really helpful for us!!! which makes a HUGE difference)

it can get better!!!

Love is not about brains and money. If my husband happened to be a slow learner i would have married him anyway.

Would you want a rich, smart man that treats you like dirt? Your 1st date wsa 12 years ago and he's still in your life. Seems to me like you answered this question years ago and the answer has remained the same.

Lets turn the Q around.

Could you stay with an incredibly smart, wealthy man who puts you down, makes you feel ugly, can't remember a single nice thing you ever did for him/ said to him, is a terrible father, never helps with the kids, never helps with the house? One who finds everything a joke, interrupts you when telling a story becuase he already knows where you're going with it, is never compasionate or intuitive or imaginitve with his decidion making. One who is absolutely rigid with both his money and his goals and is never flexible or adapts to change? One who never lets you take him out, always ordered the cheapest thing, never anything more than water and the least expensive food on the menu, IF you go out at all, because he doesn't want to pay for a sitter because he's so tight with his money. But he can fix any kind of machinery ever made.

There's all kinds of different intelligences.

When I am perfect and get every joke, understand every vocab word, can fix everything, can budget perfectly with no error, etc....then I will expect him to be perfect....NOW the not paying his own way or sharing in the family budgeting/expenses...NOPE that would be a deal breaker, but his goals and ambitions are not....He doesn't get in the way of my dreams and I won't his, no matter whether my dreams lead me to a higher salary than his, which they already have.....I went to college and am currently getting my Masters...He attended a few college courses, no biggie to me. He has a good job and provides for our family....I think when you find someone who treats you well and makes sure to provide for you the best they can without expecting you to provide everything (since it is a partnership), you should let the salary amount, some "over the head" jokes, or a call to the HVAC guy to fix something GO! Just my opinion.....I see issue with being broke with no desire to help out financially more than not having "common knowledge" or dreams of making a larger salary than me.....

Intellect isn't something every person possesses. So long as he is honest and a hard worker and caring and compassionate and trustworthy. Not being book smart doesn't have to equal being lazy. So, in essence, if he's jobless and playing all the time, that means he is not compassionate, hard working or caring about his family. Laziness doesn't have anything to do with being intellectual or handy. It is always good to express your expectations and communicate with each other.

Hi T.
When I was reading the first half I thought "no",he sounds selfish.
Then you finish the story and I think "yes" as everything balances out,just the traditional roles seem reversed.
The fact that you are writing this post shows that you are having some doubts.!
Hope everything works out well for you.
All the best
B. k

As Riley says, there are all kinds of intelligences. It would depend on how well those many qualities and characteristics mesh in the two people, and how well they are able to accept and appreciate each other for the way their differences balance each other out in the relationship.

For example, my husb. is not particularly mechanical, and I can usually see how gadgets work and fix them. But I am too, um, dreamy and imaginative to get to the end of a project, while he's fabulous at setting deadlines and staying on track (thus he's written and I've illustrated four dozen books together). His spelling sucks, mine is good through no effort of my own. My hunny doesn't read people very well, but I usually do. I can barely remember the quadratic equation, but he's still got college-level math at his command. We love and lean on each other's strengths, and forgive each other's weaknesses because we both have some of our own.

I was struck by your descriptions. If you were to switch genders, you're looking at a societal 'norm' that describes males as the strong, smart, talented and and capable ones, and women being the gorgeous and sweet and supportive ones. The problem with that 'norm' is that it doesn't tend to value some of the 'feminine' traits as highly as the masculine ones.

There's tremendous merit in being patient, sweet, thoughtful, willing to do the drudge jobs, being great with kids. Marriages, families, and society at large, simply would not thrive without those qualities. But they don't tend to get acknowledged or rewarded the same as being "smart" in typically masculine ways.

Yes he sounds amazing! Well the secound paragraph anyway.

These are choices that you need to make....Can you live with it?

Very interesting question... I think it depends a bit to be honest on your financial situation. If you're comfortable, then I think I'd be ok with it. If you're really struggling, I'd be more frustrated. I didn't read all the replies but one more view from someone who is married to the perpetually ambitious guy. He's so ambitious yet things don't seem to work out professionally so I'm always the steady wage earner. He's super smart which is great but in a lot of ways, I wish he'd chill out and let us enjoy our lives. I make enough to very comfortably support us but it's all on me bc his jobs aren't that stable so I keep working yet I also do almost everything at home. So a guy who does it all at home?... I'd love it!. :) I have a friend who pines for her ex bc she thinks he's so much smarter than her husband. But her ex hasn't been so successful professionally either! It's a bit rare to find everything in one package so I think key is to be glad for his good parts and remember grass isn't always greener.

I'm not sure what the situation is here, but but adding kids to the mix changes everything. My initial response was absolutely not until you mentioned children. Looks mean little, and being sweet and giving compliments is wonderful but doesn't make a relationship. Neither does being a great father, cleaning the house and car and cooking dinner. What really counts is love, respect, comittment, trustworthiness, and honesty. If you don't have all of those on both sides, you probably won't have a very successful relationship. However, when children are involved, I do believe both parents should make a strong effort to do what they can to improve or build a lasting relationship because your children deserve the chance to have both parents together, if possible.

I agree with those who say that love shouldn't depend on these things, but also with the fact that the "everyday stuff" is what relationships center around, not just the feeling of love. Even in the best of relationships, we don't feel "in love" all the time. When resentment, frustration and condescending feelings and/or comments become the norm in your every day life that's a big problem.

While I think your guy has some wonderful qualities, I think it's a very bad idea to be with a man you don't respect - for any reason. Respect is a central need for a man. He needs it to be at his best and bring his best to a relationship. Men are so sensitive to whether or not their women value them - just as we are! - but in different ways.

My grandparents were "unequal" in that she finished school and had aspirations of being a teacher, he only finished 8th grade. I have so many memories of her correcting him and mentioning to us about the fact she had "good marks" and was going to be a teacher, but Pop didn't know as much. I think this definitely affected their marriage. Feeling that lack of respect from her resulted in him not respecting her and going outside their relationship to be w/women who would appreciate him.

If you were dating, I would advise you to not invest yourself in a marriage with him, but now you have children and that changes everything. Please be aware of the fact that your responses to him are being observed by your children and WILL shape their ideas about relationship dynamics and communication.

The part that gets me is "doesn't have what others consider to be common knowledge." That would get to me as well as the fact that he's at home w/ the children all day so... what is there stimulation level??

The part about the money IMO is not right... I stay at home but it's still 'our' money. That being said he shouldn't be ordering 'the most expensive', etc. that seems immature. BUT in re-reading your e-mail maybe you're not married?? I don't know it seems that way when you refer to paying the sitter, buying drinks, etc. I mean if he's a stay at home dad how in the world would he have any money to do any of that?? So that part of the question makes no sense to me. Does he have the time to get a job but just refuses to work or is he a 100% stay at home dad and therefore (like us SAHMs) has no income coming in??

Bottom line for me would be how are the children doing? Are they being intellectually challenged, are they hitting their learning goals on time, what is homework time like? Is he able to hep with that if he really is not as intelligent as you say and has the largest role re: being with them. But even saying that, if he is your husband and you choose to leave him, he'll get the kids 50% of the time so better to have you there 100% if he really is as mentally incapable as you describe him.

You may want to have him evaluated for a learning disability... maybe he just can't process properly and therefore 'seems' dumb.... who cares if he's an adult - better a few decades w/ help and hopefully a better level of comprehension than continuing on as is.

If you love him, you can.

I couldn't be married to someone like that because I wouldn't respect a "man" who would allow a woman to pay for everything and mooch off of her. If he's ordering the most expensive food and drinks, then he sure isn't respecting your money or you. His lack of work ethic would bother me the most, the other things aren't that big of a deal.

Sounds like he's gone through his entire life being nice and respectful and those around him thinks it's enough. He needs to grow up and take on man responsilities. But then again, why should he have to, if there will always be a woman out there who will give him a pass for being nice to her!!

I think we all have our roles. I am personally happy being the "mom figure" homemaker, house person...tho I do help out with business, THAT is my primary role. My husband's role is more of caregiver (financially). I PERSONALLY would not want those roles reversed, but that is what made me choose my husband in the first place.

If I was happy being the primary financial caregiver, and my husband was the "house dad", then I wouldn't be upset with him when he didn't get other things.If you are needing to RELY on him financially, mentally and he can't carry thru....THAT is an issue.

But as long as your puzzle pieces fit together to make a great picture, that is what is important.

So for me personally? NO, I couldn't handle it, but I wouldn't have made a family with that person in the first place.

Answer to question:YES and to your second part, there will always be jealous people in your life who plant the idea that you could do better. We are all imperfect human beings and if you need more in the way of communication (which it looks like things are really pretty fine) there are a lot of people who are married who do not have a husband that they communicate with at all. So enjoy your fellow. Girlfriends are great for friendship and some wonderful stimulating conversation.

LOL, I tried it and it didn't work and won't work when you are not equally yoked. But some don't mind settling.

there is no one perfect. No matter who you end up with there will be things that disapoint you and drive you crazy. You just have to ask yourself what is most important. Althought my husband lacks certain qualities I wish he had I don't feel that he isn't my equal. I love him so much despite the things I wish were different, and I respect him and look up to him. I think you already know deep in your heart what you want to do.

Its a hard question answer and I feel for you. I was lucky I married a man that is perfect for me but I have friends and family that were not so lucky. Living with someone that you are not happy with for the rest of your life can be nearly impossible. Some times it is just better to start over although it would be very difficult to do so. I would if I was not happy. This is not to say that that person does not have attributes that are good or that he or she is not a good person. But if I were in that positiion I would have to say No I could not live with a person who was so different and whos goals for life were so different. Gorgeous and sweet can only go so far. A man needs to provide for his family not only money but in all the ways that we expect in a relationship that should be equal.

Hi T., Wow what a question. Yesterday my husband and I celebrated our 21st Wedding Anniversary. We married young, have 2 children ages 18 graduating with Honors this year, and 6 finishing up his Kindergarten year.
My husband just retired from the Navy as a LCDR. He was a pilot, then went on to become an instrustor. Now as a civilian he trains other pilots and is working the the new F35 aircraft now in production for our Military future. He finished his Master's degree last summer.
That being said, I had 2 1/2 years in College when we met, and never finished my degree. I sacrificed for his Career and our family. He is World Traveled but says I'm the smartest woman he has ever met.
I can assure you the grass isn't always greener. Remember the reasons you married your husband. Being a great father is HUGE!!
You can improve his knowlege by incouraging him to take classes but also raise the standards of the company you keep. Don't give up!!
The best may be yet to come!! Good Luck!!

" half broke guy, is gorgeous and sweet." and smart.

Describes my ex-husband. Gorgeous, sweet and smart doesn't always keep a job. Intellectual smarts and relationship smarts are different as well.

I'd say my husband (we've been together almost 10 years) is an equal partner in our relationship. We each balance the other out. He's good at some things in our familial responsibilities and I'm good at others. He's a very hard-working, well-intentioned father, takes good care of us and the cat. I like that he's got life smart sas well as book smarts, and I can ask him nearly anything about history or english, subjects we are both interested in. He's well-traveled and understands other cultures. We have a common language with each other , understand each other (know how to communicate in a way which allows for this, even if we have to work at it) and have common goals. SO he might not remember exact details, but I know we both remember that we first kissed over spaghetti sitting at this kitchen window table where I sit now. Nice thought!

Sometimes I think we need different spouses for different times in our lives. Before kids, maybe someone adventurous and smart. Once kids come, I'd prefer someone who is not looking to do much but be a good dad, help around the house etc. Not sure about retirement yet... My husband is adventurous and smart but with kids now, I wish he was more like your husband. And likely he's wishing I was a bit more like I was before kids. So I think there are ups and downs in many marriages and maybe the key - if you don't get lucky and have a perfect fit all the time - is to find outside influences or people to plug the holes. No one can make you happy. That's up to you. So if you look at it that way, it's easier to take the good and overlook the bad. Join book clubs etc. Also, you may be enabling him to be this way. I don't mean that in a critical way but I've seen how me being so responsible allows my husband to neglect things. He knows I'll ultimately take care of it. I don't know an easy fix bc things like bringing home an income have to be taken care of... But maybe there are small steps to put some responsibility on his shoulders and don't step in right away. Finally, there are lots of smart, successful men who marry the very pretty but unambitious woman and some make it work, some don't. I'm not sure there's a right or wrong answer. It's just priorities I guess. Whether or not I could live with a guy like this - I'm not sure but I would commit to it at least as long as the kids were home. He's not abusive etc. Also, I have a friend who divorced her husband who was a bit like yours. No kids and even she regrets it. Now she sees all the good. A neighbor growing up divorced her husband and says "then he finally got a job." And went on to be very successful... So it might not be that your husband isn't capable but needs some prodding. Divorce isn't a good prod but maybe counseling?...

I guess it comes down to priorities: if intelligence is a major factor for YOU in picking a man, then I could see this being a resounding "no", but if looks matter to you, then I could see someone looking past it because well, he is gorgeous, right? I know many men do this all the time...the gorgeous airheaded trophy wife on their arm who spends like there is no tomorrow. To each his/her own, but you asked about ME, personally, so here it goes: I don't really care for looks, but intelligence is a big turn-on for me. I cannot be with someone who is not intellectually stimulating so that our conversations sound like a couple of stoners trying to put a sentence together. I am not saying he needs to have an IQ of 200, but I don't think I would have the patience to be around someone who is below average in the intelligence department, especially if it's on a daily basis.

At the same time, being a single mom who works full-time and is at times overwhelmed with the housework, the last sentence of your question is very appealing for me, as I want my child to have someone to love her (my child's father is not in the picture much) and for someone who will share in the responsibilities of the house and lift some of that burden off my shoulders. I also am tired of all the narcissistic jerks out there so having a sweet man in my life would be appealing too. When you mention "broke" I am not sure if you mean he just would make less than me or just refuses to work and brings no money home. If the latter, then I would not be able to be with the guy. It's one thing to try to contribute, another to refuse to and expect me to do all the work. We're supposed to be a partnership, right?

This makes it much harder to answer, but I think I have the perfect solution: I would need a circle of intellectual friends that will stimulate me mentally if my husband is unable to do so. Assuming he would give me my space to cultivate such friendships and did not turn into a jealous jerk because I am not with him 24-7, then I think I could manage this scenario. Of course, this is also assuming we discuss the fact that we need to be a little more conservative with our spending habits because that money needs to be able to take care of all the expenses and ordering frivolously is going to cut down on the amount of money we have for other expenses.

Now, keep in mind that if I didn't have kids and were a single woman looking for someone to marry, I would not be able to be with a man like this, but because I do have a child, my priorities and standards have shifted some. While it'd be great to have a handyman for a husband, it's not a deal-breaker if he isn't because you can always hire one, or take your car to the mechanic, assuming you need repairs. This is already something that I do most of the time (unless it's something I can manage on my own), so as I said, that part would not be a deal-breaker for me.

Hi T.,

I read your question and so what happened and I can honestly answer that I would struggle with the situation you've described and that ultimately, I don't think I could handle it. I am not married yet, but will be in two months. I've been with my fiance for 2 years and I don't honestly think I could call him my best friend if we didn't mesh intellectually. We both work and take our careers seriously. To me, being able to talk to him about my problems, which are usually quite complex, and us being able to share jokes or even just talk about the state of the world, our county's political or economic climate or even sharing interest in a book or news topic is vital. Gorgeous (or at least attraction and chemistry) are important too, as is sweet and various other aspects of how I he treats me. Ultimately though, I wouldn't be truly happy with anyone who was less than all of the above. Perhaps this is why I have held off on marriage until the age of 36.

I am certainly not advocating that you leave your husband, but have you tried talking to him about the things he can change? It sounds like he lacks maturity more than anything and that this is a major issue for you. Perhaps a counselor could help him understand that you need him to stop playing on Facebook and be more serious about looking for a job. I'm not really sure how to advise you, but I don't think I'd be content if I were in your place. Good luck!

S.