My daughter is 17 yo and her boyfriend is 14, They dated for a few months last year she was 16 he 13. He had lied about his age otherwise would have discouraged the relationship from the beginning. They broke up earlier this year and I didn't think I had to worry. The past month or so they started hanging out and my daughter decided to make it and official relationship just a week ago.
When they broke up I found out that they were planning to have sex the next time they got the chance. I had heard he told others that they had already so I asked her. I believe her when she says she's still a virgin. At that time her and I talked about birthcontrol and she had planned on using only condoms. I told her they were not very reliable as bc so she agreed to go on the pill.
When I talked to her about being back in a relationship with him I asked if she was thinking of having sex right away and she said she couldn't promise that they would wait. I asked if she wanted him to be her first and she said yes.
I told her he's too young even though she says he probably isn't a virgin. I told her I would not allow it to happen in my house with any consent from me. She couldn't promise that they wouldn't sneak behind my back and have him at the house while I was at work.
If it's going to happen I'm powerless to stop it. I can only make it inconvenient for them to get alone time. I just want her to wait before taking this relationship to that level.. I like him and think they have a pretty good thing started. I don't think he's mature enough though for all the emotions of a sexual relationship. I'm also afraid she's thinking too much with her hormones.
II have always trusted my daughter's judgement and choice of friends. She has always been honest with me or hasn't been caught in a lie or compromising situation. She doesn't come to me for advice or with any problems. I've always been here for her and she talks to me about a lot, just not personal stuff.
I'm definitely going to talk to her some more about this. I just need help in accepting the inevitable.
I've been reading some of your comments and I have checked the law. It only says a five year difference makes it illegal. Also his parents do know. When she visits at his dad's house they're allowed alone in his bedroom.
His dad definitely is aware of the age difference. He likes being at his dad's because he doesn't have too many rules. It also makes it more difficult to keep them apart because his dad's house is on the same street as ours. The rule is that he's not allowed here when I'm not home. But I have to work and his father and stepmother work. So far she asks to have him over and I don't believe she has gone behind my back.
May I add He has been the more sexually aggressive and experienced. I told my daughter that he still is too young to have sex
I would stress that unless she's ready to have children with this child she is dating then she needs to cool the hormones.
no it's not inevitable.
Personal you are the parent and I would do everything in my power that they do not see each other until the boy is older. Just because the law says she is "allowed" to have sex DOES NOT MEAN YOU CAN NOT STOP IT!!!! If you really do not want her to do this then then be the parent and if she hates you for keeping her home all the time then so be it YOU ARE THE PARENT!!!
Now law wise you are correct that it is a 5 year differeance in Maine, 16 is the age of when to give consent, 14 and younger are not allowed to have sex even if given consent (so technically your daughter can get in trouble!)... here is a great website that breaks it down REALLY well for parents: http://www.4parents.gov/sexrisky/teen_sex/statelaws_chart...
Call me old-fashioned, but I think a 14 year old BOY should not be having sex unless he (and your daughter) are ready to accept the responsibility of being parents. I like the advice given where someone said they should do some babysitting first. You cannot prevent them from having sex, but you might be making it a little too easy.
What does your husband have to say about this? We just had a conversation with our almost 11 year old daughter yesterday (who is not interested in boys or dating or anything like that). I mentioned to her that although dating/boys/relationships are a long way off, we wanted to let her know that ALL boys who are interested in dating/courting her in the future must FIRST ask permission from my husband. It is our hope that boys who are just interested in "a little fun" would be weeded out in the process.
In our home, we believe that dating/relationships/courting should be held off until such a time that our daughter is old enough to be thinking about a possible marriage partner. It is our greatest hope that sex will be reserved for marriage. We have no control over our daughter's decision on this, but we are trying our best to give her the tools she needs to understand that she is a special person who deserves someone who respects her enough to wait.
Please, please think about how special your daughter is and how there's no reason to give in to hormones at this tender age. So often, a girl is looking for male validation/love by having sex. She should should not be looking for that love outside your home. Best of luck to you.
When your daughter turns 18 his parents are likely to find out what's going on and press charges. She's in a dangerous situation and should find a guy her own age.
D.,
I encourage you to talk to your daughter about the ramifications of giving away her virginity at the age of 17, and particularly the emotional ramifications. Help her to truly understand that she only gets one first. I find that many of us as adults do our children a disservice by not sharing the mistakes that we’ve made and what we learned from them. While I agree that we can’t leave our parenting at “No, Don’t, Stop” without explaining why, we are the parents and are far from powerless in the choices that our children make while they are still under our care.
I suspect that if your daughter is honest about her motivations to have sex, it has less to do with her own desire and more to do with wanting to please or keep this boyfriend. I think this is the fundamental struggle of most teenagers and particularly teenaged girls. We (as parents) have to build our children’s (girls and boys) self-esteem and self-confidence in such a way that they value themselves for more than what’s between their legs and realize that sharing their bodies, one of the most intimate and precious parts of themselves, isn’t designed to be given casually to just anyone. When they begin to esteem and love themselves, they won’t settle for just anything.
Don’t accept that you are powerless or that it’s inevitable that your daughter will submit to her hormones. Fight for her even when she doesn’t have sense enough to fight for herself. Urge her to wait. In addition to educating her about the dangers of pregnancy and STDs, teach her what a precious gift her virginity is. Encourage her to see herself the way that you see her and to love herself the way that you love her. Anyone who can’t value her beyond his own sexual desire isn’t worthy of her.
I’ve intentionally not focused on the age difference because the age isn’t the issue as much teenagers engaging in sexual activity for which neither is emotionally prepared or mature enough to engage in. My encouragement would be the same regardless of the boy’s age. Advise your daughter to value herself enough to wait. From one mother of a teenager to another, I hope that you will use this opportunity to make a good relationship better and let your daughter know that despite the peer pressure she faces daily, you haven’t and won’t give up on her. Don’t lower your expectations for her and keep setting the standard for her to live above the influence.
They are getting very close to that illegal line. You need to see what your state's laws are. If your daughter crosses that line, she can be prosecuted...are you both willing to deal with that if the time comes?
As for her having sex...maybe you should talk about using 2 forms of birth control, get her babysitting real little ones (to have her see what being a mom can be like), and let her know that you are there for her if she ever needs to talk.
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Boarding school comes to mind. Once she's 18, she's an adult and if she wants she can live on her own and sleep with who she wants. If he's 14 and not a virgin, she's ok with being his latest conquest, the possibility with STDs, his maybe having pregnant old girl friends who'll be putting the touch on him for child support? Why is she not thinking about collage and collage guys? If it's true love, they can wait till they are through with their education and get married. I met my husband when he was 14 and I was 17 and we married when my husband was 1 yr out of collage and had a bit of savings in the bank. We bought our 1st house 9 months later. Our son didn't come along till 9 yrs later. Sure we dated a lot during the 10 yr courtship, but we grew up and knew we were right for each other.
I have a 14 year old. If a 17 year old wanted to have sex with my child at that age i would be VERY angry with that 17 year old. 14 is still an immature age. Your daughter needs to back off. You are her mother. Tell her to cool it. The child was probably in 8th grade! She needs to find someone her own age.
Sorry for being so mean, it hit close to home. I know that i would be so pissed at the older teen for not knowing better.
Whoa. The first thing I thought of too was the legal issue. Yes, of course when you look back on it, 17 is too young, but uh, helloooooo?? With a 14 year old???! That is the bigger issue in my mind. If your daughter was considering sex with a boy her own age, that may change things, but this is different. I agree that you should bring these legal matters to her attention and see if her tune changes. I know that at her age you are building trust and you don't want to meddle in her relationship, but going to his parents is something to consider. I am not necessarily saying you should do it, don't know how I feel about it competely, but based on his age I would consider it and I would bring it up to her and tell her you're considering it.
In the end, she may have sex, with him or someone else and in terms of that, i think you absolutely did the right thing with her in terms of BC and discussion. You should make it known, as you did, you don't condone it in your house, etc., but know it's probably going to happen anyway. Also, think about what kinds of consequences you might give if you catch them in the act...and if possible, try and come home at random times against your normal schedule to shake things up! Also make sure she has access to BC of all types! She should go ahead and use a condom too! But, bottom line, if she wants to have sex, she will find a way, so prepare yourself! I will freak out when it's my turn to deal with this...thankfully I have a few more years!
She is right, Maine's sexual consent laws are a bit screwy. The age of consent is 16 UNLESS there is less than 5 years between the two parties - then it is considered legal. Once you hit 16, it is legal to have consensual sex with anyone over the age 21. But just because the law says it's ok does not mean it should be. Good luck with dealing with this with your daughter. I hope she decides to do the right thing. I think the biggest issue would be what would happen if she gets pregnant.
Tough spot, but you need to also talk to her about STDs. I haven't read the other posts yet, but you are right you can't stop her. Kudos for being so open and available to her. Please tell her Herpes and HIV are forever, and I think you are probably right on your guess that he isn't a virgin.
I won't moralize about this issue because it looks like you've gotten plenty of responses in that vein. If they are intent on having sex, they will find a way. Which is why I think emphasizing the importance of condom use, in addition to the pill, is so important. If this boy is as "experienced" as he claims, your daughter must protect herself from whatever he's carrying. And she should NEVER take his word for it that he's "clean." She could end up with a lifelong infection, including HPV, which can cause cervical cancer. Please don't diminish the effectiveness or importance of condoms. When these kids are likely to have multiple partners over their lifetimes, that's the best way to protect their health and fertility for the long term.
well sadly you are so right that it is inevitable. I wish we could make all our children wait till they were married, but then again I did not wait...double standard. oh well. I know it is hard but try not to get too stressed over it, the good news is that you have talked about it and she is somewhat open and you have been open w/ her. I would really say that she should be on the pill and I would make sure that happens. even if she is going to wait, or says she is, it would be better to be on them just in case. good luck as this is hard. xoxoxo
You checked the law??? So if he were 10 and she was 15 it would be ok??? you better check again.
I am sorry but she is WAY to old for him. I would be livid if I know what you do and this was my son. Is she a senior in high school and his is a freshman or eight grade??
If you feel your powerless then I guess you are. Have you brought her to the gyno so she will be safe from pregnancy and stds? At least make sure she is safe this way.
I would have a hard time with this as I am sure you are. I would just handle this a little different. I would be on the phone talking or visiting his dad for sure. but I wish you luck!
