How Do I Handle This with My Daughter???

Well you're going to get a zillion answers - this is almost as hot a button as the spanking or breastfeeding debate!!!!!!

First of all - GOOD FOR YOU that you have established a relationship with her that she felt like she could come and talk to you.

I would start doing a lot of listening.

She already said that she thinks all the other kids are doing it. Ask her if she thinks that a good reason to share her body with someone? Ask her if what she'll do if she gets pregnant? Ask her if she's comfortable enough with this boy to be able to talk about how she likes to be touched and what makes her feel good? Ask her if she's comfortable enough to have a discussion with her partner about who else her partner has had sex with and whether or not he's been tested for STD's on a regular basis? Ask her if her partner will use a condom even if she is on the pill (or what form of birth control THEY have decided together they will use that will prevent BOTH pregnancy and STD's). Ask her what she will do if her partner doesn't want to put on a condom and they are both naked - how will she handle that? Ask her how she intends to pay for birth control? Ask her how she intends to pay for annual exams to the gyn to get tested for STD's now that she is sexually active? (OK - these last 2 are iffy - you don't want her think she doesn't have access to these.... but you want to get her thinking about all the responsibilities that go along with having sex).

One additional question - who is she 'ready' to have sex with? Does she have a boyfriend? How long have they been dating? How old is he?

I wouldn't ask her these questions in an accusatory manner - but let her know that these are decisions she needs to be comfortable making before she is 'truly' ready to have sex.

This is a toughy - good luck!

You've gotten a lot of great suggestions that I could agree with. Just one more. Get her on the pill, right away.

I don't believe in scaring young people out of having sex. I don't think it's possible. If we all listened to the advice given here, none of us would be on this website, we'd all still be virgins. That didn't happen.

I don't have anything else to add, since you have pretty good advice already. Start from a place of love and empathy (and gladness that she talked to you) and help her (mentally) walk through the process and potential consequences (leading questions) and take her to ob/gyn and hope she makes a better decision after learning all the information. Of her friends, not all of them are having a good experience, I guarantee you.

I would calmly sit down and talk very openly with her. Ask her is she is ready to face the consequences of pregnancy, stds (which can also result from oral/anal), rejection when the boys go to school and compare notes of how their girls are in bed, how she will feel when they break up and he starts spreading rumors about her and starts sleeping with another girl soon after, or make fun of her for being too easy. Let her know that many boys act sweet and innocent, but behind her back they have 'locker room' talk in which they have absolutely no respect for the girls they take advantage of, and quickly move on to the next one when they get bored of who they are currently with.

I would tell her that having sex for a girl is totally different than what it means to (most) boys, and that a boy that is worth her time, won't be one to pressure her for sex.

Let her know she can still have fun relationship without being physically intimate. And that she should strive to be a person who respects her body, but also strive to have a boyfriend who also respects her body and virtue. Also, let her know that just because those other girls are having sex, does not mean that they are happy deep down inside from the outcomes of it. It is also so much more meaningful when she is able to give herself to the person she truly loves when she is older and ready for long term commitment, and responsible enough to handle possible outcomes such as pregnancy.

Also, at her age, you can control who she is with, when and such. At 14, my children will not be allowed to date at all, and they can see boys every now and then, but it will be in my living room when I am home. Sure, they can still sneak around, or even do it as school, but at least they have limitations, and she won't be put in situations that make it more difficult.

It sounds like she needs some help with her self-esteem, and understanding her value as a woman... just to be with a boy she likes and under the influence of other girls is not a good enough reason to have sex, especially at 14.

The girls and boys at this age in our church are encouraged to carry this pamphlet with them in their wallets and encouraged to read it and do as it says to help them through this time:
http://lds.org/library/display/0,4945,30-1-7-1,00.html

Click on the "personal integrity" section and it will talk about avoiding temptations of sex.

I would suggest that you take her to see the gynocologist and have her get a complete exam and the complete conversation about sex, safe sex and everything that goes along with it. as well as abortions, adoptions and how she would handle it if she became pregnant. Explain about std's (the doctor/nurse not you as you are a parent and therefore an idiot in the eyes of a teenager lol) but have the doctor / nurse give all the info about what can and does happen with all forms of sex. stds, pregnancy etc.... ask her if she is ready for all of those consequences. then make sure that she uses protection and that she understands that while it's great to tell the guy to use a condom she needs to protect herself as well. The whole just keep them away from each other thing doesn't work. It makes them more determined to be together and then you will end up with a grandchild when your own daughter is still a child. I have been through this and have a daughter who is 28 and a grandson who is almost 11. So I have in fact been there and done that. Wish I had handled it differently. But believe me I did handle it differently with the ones who came along behind her.

Yuck -I'm sorry you're dealing with this at your daughter's age! However, 14 is far too common, as you seem to know, these days. I think to be realistic and still be effective and convey your wants and wishes that you're going to have to straddle the fence a little. Go ahead and tell her that you know she is more of a young woman than a child now and that you have been enjoying watching her mature, BUT it really scares you to think that she may not have the opportunity to mature at the pace she should if she becomes a mother. Really have a heart to heart with her and gather some examples -people you know, people SHE knows, 16 and pregnant, etc. about just what happens with teenage pregnancy. Of course she doesn't think it will happen to her, but really press it home that ANY TIME a woman who is still of the age of menstruating has sex, she can become pregnant. I'm shocked at the posts on here from grown women asking if they could be pregnant. Well, did you have sex? YES! Let her know that you just cannot support her having sex at age 14. You're right -16 or 17 WOULD be better! At least it's 2 or 3 more years.

Ask her why she wants to have sex right now. Tell her you already know it's because of the feelings when she's with her boyfriend and the hormones and all of the physical stuff -but why does she want to do it emotionally? It will not guarantee their relationship will last -even if there's a baby - and it won't guarantee that he won't dump her next week. Tell her that. Make sure you get it across to her that she definitely needs to be in a relationship with someone who is exclusive and where they feel like they love each other or she's going to get hurt. Really talk to her. Ask her if she respects herself -and let her know if she does, she'll look out for her physical and emotional health and not throw herself into situations where another person is going to disrespect her.

On the other side of this fence you're straddling, tell her you certainly don't want any pregnancies or STDs (make sure she understands how nasty and common many are -get some nice color photos of genitalia covered in herpes - and that many are uncurable, affect fertility, etc.) -PLEASE make sure she understands that anal and oral sex don't protect you from STDs and can also cause a host of other problems.

I think I WOULD go ahead and either put her on the pill or get Norplant. If you aren't certain she would have an abortion if she got pregnant (and no one ever is until it happens), she needs to be REALLY protected. Make sure she also knows he still needs a condom for backup and STDs. Tell her if she's not ready to discuss birth control, pregnancy and his opinion of abortion, adoption or being a father -then she's nowhere near ready for sex. You might be surprised. She may never tell you -but it may make her think for 6 months, a year or two or three! Keep that dialogue going too. Decide that you're going to talk about sex quite a bit in your home. It's always going to be on her mind anyway for the next few years, so keep up a discussion and always give her something to think about than how good it might feel.

At least she told you.
You can't stop her. She's going to do it. Period.

I was having sex at 15. I wasn't ready. But I was edcuated, at least. And it doens't matter if you're ready, because you have to deal with this. So be smart about it and keep her on your side.
If you forbid her to see the boyfriend, she'll sneak around. She'll lie to you. Etc... she's a teenage girl. Don't you remember feeling like that?
So arm her with what she needs to be sensible and safe. Make sure you answer all of her questions, and make sure that she ALWAYS has protection.
And honestsy, I'd put her on the pill, too. At least you don't have to worry about he getting pregnant, then.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It's big and scary. But try to be practical and remember how you reacted at that age. Be on her side, help her and keep communication open. She's right, it's better than her sneaking around.

Now is really the time for talk. Ask her why she thinks she is ready for sex? If all the kids at her school are doing drugs or commiting crimes or jumping off bridges does that make her ready to do any of those things. My guess is that many of her contemporaries are lying about sex and/or have been voilated by some adult or another child in their life but that is another story. Now is the time for you to deal with your little girl.

It is easy to have sex. Sex is really a dime a dozen but being a virgin is better than having sex. You are only a virgin once which makes you a hot commodity as it were. Ask your daughter if she is ready for the pregnancy scares, lower self esteem (always being worried if this boy will want you or like you), feeling the side effects of birth control methods, the possibility of sexually transmitted diseases (the ones you can clear up with a pill or a shot verses the ones you will carry around with you for a life time that can flair up and cause you to have cancer or not have children in the future, the possiblity that her having sex will be videod and put on the net or pictures of her will be taken and posted everywhere and anywhere, what happens when she becomes pregnant because sex = pregnancy (all things being equal). Is she ready to be a mother? Is she ready to terminate her pregnancy and understanding that one abortion buts her at risk for furture abortions, cancer, and possible infertility. After explaining all of that to her find out then if she is ready to really have sex because all of that and more comes with having sex outside of marriage. Not to mention her reputation and good name.

Talk to her about her future. What are her aspirations for her life? Is she planning on going to college? Did she want to travel? What career did she want to have and what training or schooling will she need ot get there?

You just don't end up falling into sex but you can set yourself up for failure. Plotting, planning and scheming to be alone with some boy somewhere and what happens if she is set up and there isn't just one boy in the room but several. Is she ready for that? Maybe once you have that kind of talk with her she will think twice about having sex.

I know many parents that have taken their children to planned parenthood to help them be prepared and responsible but I would recommend going to your own physician because the quality of the products distributed by your own personal physician is of greater quality but the only 100% sure fire method of preventing sexually transmitted disease and pregnacy is abstenance.

If you don't talk to your girl someone else will but will it reflect your values. Get her dad to talk to her about boys and the way teenage boys think about girls and sex. Very valuable here. Try to find out more reasons why she thinks she is ready to have sex. She may have done it already but don't panic pull yourself together and talk to her. She trusts you enough to come to you so just talk to her.

Oh Lord -14?? wow I feel for you but obviously you are a great mom with a wonderful open relationship with your daughter. God knows i didnt have this with my mom.
I would tell her that you two (and possibly dad) need to sit down and talk about everything involved with having sex (stds, pregnancys, abortions, how to protect yourself, and how this is not a garuntee that her boyfriend will stick around...IN FACT there is a 95% chance that those two will be broken up before summer). You may want to do statistic research to see what the 'norm' is and what happends etc. Then tell her that before she can have sex, she needs to go to the doctor and have a pap done and then tell the doc that he needs to tell her about all the "fun" risks that come with having sex. At the end of that IF she decides she still wants to then I say protect her and put her on some sort of birth controll. I am sure you would hate her to come to you next month and say she is prego. She MIGHT say no to the conversation and tell her that "if she wants to act like an adult, then she needs to talk like one and be educated about adult activites like sex".....Shouldnt be a big deal to talk about if she is so mature right? (wink wink) But I agree with some other post about not forbidding her. My mom did that to me and I had sex anyway...unprotected with my boyfriend.....ALOT (hundreds of times) thankfully I never got pregnant. makes me sick thinking back that all we did was 'pull and pray'. i dont know what I would have done if I got pregnant as a teenager.
BEST OF LUCK to you...and please tell us what happend. I would be interested in what you choose to do and what her reaction is

Well, you should be proud that she feels comfortable coming to you to discuss it.
I think you should teach her about self-respect, reputation, responsibility and the effects of unprotected sex: disease for life or a baby that is not going anywhere for at least 18 years!
I know it's upsetting--she's your baby, but I think since she basically stated that she's "ready" she should be taken to a gynecologist immediately and put on birth control (to prevent pregnancy) and I'd buy her a jumbo box of condoms (to prevent disease).
AND you can (somewhat) control her access to unsupervised visits with her BF.

I would have a seriously graphic and fact based talk to her about sex, all it entails and what are the many problems that can stem from it. You need to give her truth and education, not fear and whining.

After that step, you need to meet the boyfriend. Tell her you want him to come over for dinner once a week for a month, before she will consider having sex with him. You want to get to know him and his parents. The last dinner together, you give him the same educational lecture you gave your daughter - to make sure all of you are on the same page.

Then you take daughter to the GYN, have her first pap, std panel, etc - so they have a baseline of what she was before sex. Then talk about birth control options to use in ADDITION to condoms.

I feel this way - you can both ease into the change of what this decision will bring all of you.

I agree with the previous posts that it's great that she's comfortable enough to come talk to you.

I'm going to get pretty bold here and air some of my 'dirty laundry' because it's appropriate for the seriousness of this. I too was comfortable enough to talk to my mom about this. I was around the same age (almost 14). My BF and I were together for nearly a year when we gave our virginities to each other. He was raised in a strict Catholic household... His mother didn't know. My mother simply said to make sure we stayed protected. We did.

Fast forward 2 years. Different BF... I doubt he even knew he had it... I contracted herpes from him. Through oral. I was always 'safe' with intercourse, but it's not just through intercourse that things can be transferred. It's rather embarrassing to have to ask your mother (the only one that knew about my activities) to look down there to see what's going on. Then having her take you to the Dr's to find out what was suspected in the first place. Even worse... Having to explain all of this with any partner in the future.

Where I'm going with my story is that I was so not ready to have to deal with an STD for the rest of my life, but it was because I chose to make the decision to act as an adult, I had to live with the consequences. Ask her if she's ready to deal with any potential consequences of her actions forever. Whether it be an STD or motherhood. If she answers no, then she's for sure not ready to have sex.

ETA- To answer Sue's question about being alone with the BF... There are ways around it. Trust me... The person I lost my virginity to and I found lots of ways... And we weren't always alone in the room... We just knew how to hide it all.

I think this was more of a call for help than to ask for permission to have sex. Maybe your daughter thinks she's ready for sex, but you know a 14 year old isn't ready. I would call the school counselor today and get her into therapy pronto. I would call her dad and have a big intervention with the entire family. I would call the boy's parents and discuss what the two of them are planning so that they are aware as well.
Seriously, I would tighten up the reigns big time. She needs to be closely watched right now and I doubt I would let her do anything else extra until she is in therapy and can work through this.
I don't care if all of the kids are having sex, that is never a reason to give the green light to your child. Peer pressure sucks and sex isn't about the right things anymore. Good luck.

The girls in her school are not all having sex, they just TELL each other they are having sex. What, they witness each other? someone takes turns holding a candle?
Tell your daughter to tell her friends that she had sex and move on. That's what I did at 14-15 when the pressure was up and I was teased in the locker room that I was a virgin. It worked. I told my son to do the same. When the pressure is up - you can lie. Just lie with confidence. No need to be a martyr. All your daughter needs is to get through the school years in one piece.
That is a step one. Step two would be to take her to OBGYN and to other programs that would teach her about her body and consequences of having sex. STDs and pregnancy.
You are lucky she came to you first.

All of the kids in her school are NOT having sex. They are SAYING they are. This is not the same thing!

I learned that the hard way in HS. I thought everyone was having sex - they sure were talking as if they were. I THOUGHT I "waited" (I was 18 and a Senior)...and boy, let me tell you how surprised I was when all of my friends who'd been talking about ALL the sex they were having asked ME what it was like!

I know LOTS of teenagers and maybe ONE of them is having sex (she's 17). But I suspect NOT. Here is the thing - once you start having sex, it's really HARD to stop. It's not half as important as it seems. There are SO MANY things we want to do with our life and sex interferes with them - the quest for sex interferes with them.

ALSO - it makes it REALLY hard to tell when it's time to get OUT of a relationship. You can end up staying with someone abusive, or stupid, or boring...because you feel committed because of the sex.

Please feel free to share these thoughts with her.

Check out your local crisis pregnancy center and ask if they have an abstinence counselor. I think they would be a great resource and maybe seeing the number of girls who come through their doors might be a huge wake up call for her.

I think it is sad that our society throws sex at our children from such an early age that they feel pressured to begin having it so young. I was still playing with my barbies when I was 14 (I know that's a little extreme, but why grow up so fast? You're going to be an adult long enough.)

Continue to let her know that this is not what is best for her. I would also limit the time she spends with her boyfriend as much as possible. She's way too young and you have to do everything you can to protect her.

I want to say that the fact that your daughter came to you to talk about this is wonderful --not that she is wanting to have sex, but that she came to you. Many kids wouldn't.

I have boys, and that is a different situation...

I would think taking her to a doctor and discussing the risks with the doctor might be a good idea to make her think twice.

Also talk to her about the emotional factors, and how painful this can be if she is used, or if the boy does not feel loyalty to her --basically let her know that boys don't necessarily have the same feelings she does.

I agree that you need to get to the bottom of why and how prepared she is vs just wanting to fit in. Virginity is something you can't take back. Some STDs you can never get rid of. Pregnancy has permanent repercussions no matter the outcome.

My mom said that if I couldn't walk into a pharmacy and by condoms I wasn't ready for sex. It really gave me something to think about. She also asked me about how I would feel when the boyfriend and I broke up. Would I feel more upset because I gave him this gift and we weren't together?

In our situation, my mom was a single mom when I was born (in her 20s) and she talked to me about how hard it was for her even then. If she won't listen to you, what about another person you know who was a teen mom? Someone who would tell her the things you want her to know and value? Sometimes it's easier coming from someone else.

She might go ahead anyway, but you might make her stop and think about the real whys behind what she thinks she wants to do. I wouldn't give up on a 14 yr old as a lost cause. The conversation has been started. Keep revisiting it. Thank her for talking to you and keep talking. If she's looking for love and acceptance, for example, then help her find other ways to find it. Does she need more one on one time with you and her dad? Divorce is hard. Did she ever get counseling afterward?

First of all - props to you mama for having such a open relationship with your daughter that she feels comfortable coming to you to talk about this.

I agree with everything Julie B said in her response.

I think it is important that you stress that you do NOT want her to have sex. Talk to her about all of the things that can come out of becoming sexually active. But also take this as an opportunity to get her to the gynecologist. If she is even THINKING about becoming sexually active than she needs to be checked yearly at the least. I'm not sure what your thoughts are on contraception? Perhaps this is the time to start talking about the pill or depo shot as well.

As parents we can stick our heads in the sand and preach abstinence, or we can be as open with our kids as they are to us. She is trusting you, she proved that by coming to you. Give her the same courtesy, tell her what you can, give her the tools to keep herself safe and hope that she makes the right decisions - whether that be to wait, or to be protected.

Listen, if a kid wants to have sex, they will do it whether you say no or not. Give her the tools to be safe in the event that she does go through with it. And continue to keep this line of communication open, don't drop it after this initial conversation.

Good luck mama! I'm dreading this day myself!

Lots of great advice already....but first stop right away is to take your daughter to a female OB/GYN doctor. She needs to start the HPV vaccine. The OB will ask you to leave the room for a one to one talk with her. Before this happens pull the OB aside and let her know what your daughter has requested....the OB will educate her about all the young girls she see's day after day who have STDs, who are infertile now due to those STD's, the one's who got pregnant even with the best birth control available and are now teenage mommies, etc....

I just want to remind this younger generation....that SAFE SEX to me when I was growing up was NOT getting caught. It was not about using proper preventative measures. I was too scared to have sex and suffer the consequences in my home.

There's a great video by Pam Stenzel (you can google her name) that deals with teens & sex. There is a secular version & Christian version. Maybe the 2 of you can watch it together. I have heard from Mom's of teens that it was really helpful...

Unfortunately, I am not too sure you can anything to stop this from happening. Inevitably, it's HER decision. No amount of begging, pleading, arguing, threatening will stop it from happening if she is determined to see it through. I find it amazing that she came to you with this. I know I NEVER felt comfortable enough to talk to my mother about it.
What's important is your guidance- If she is going to have sex, she needs do so safely. It's so important to stress the ramifications unplanned pregnancy, and stds, incuding HPV. You may even want to consider talking to her doctor about getting her the HPV vaccine. She needs to know exactly how pregnancy occurs, how STDs are transmitted, the failure rate of certain contraceptives, etc. Many girls think they know, but really don't, esp since abstinence only education seems to be the preferred method of deterrent in schools these days, and because girls don't talk to a responsible adult about it. Perhaps arming her with ALL the facts will help her reconsider her choice, and empower her to assume responsibility for her own body. If you don't feel comfortable, you can have your doctor or a trusted friend talk to her. I really cannot stress more the importance of this type of communication. There is so much pressure these days for teenage girls., but teenage sex is something that seems to permeate all generations. I am going to have one a teenage girl one day. I just hope she can come to me like your daughter came to you so I can make sure she is fully prepared for whatever decision she makes.

makes your heart stop beating, doesn't it?

My heart goes out to you. I'd like to offer up a prayer of thanks- that she came to you honestly & openly about such an issue! Good for you, Mom.

I think everybody else had excellent responses. I also think a good game plan would be to sit down with your daughter, with the yellow pages, & ask her to present you with a game plan of her own. If she feels she's ready, then it's time for her to be proactive with the prevention of pregnancy & disease. Have her look up several counseling centers, have her schedule an appt with a gyn, have her research online what's the best methods of birth control......make her take responsibility for all of the research she needs in order to make an informed decision. & my sincere hope is that it will scare her away!!! & if it doesn't, then at least she is approaching it from an informed, protected stance.

One more angle you may be able to work would be that of a legal standpoint: does she realize that you - as her legal guardian - can legally press charges against the boy involved.....since she's well underage? Does she want that for his future? Maybe this would scare her into waiting!

Regardless, keep those lines of communication open!

Okay, I just can't close without mentioning one more thing: how the heck did it progress to this point, if she's only 14? Where's the supervision & how "alone" have these two kids been.....that she thinks she has the freedom to pursue a sexual relationship? Does she expect to be able to do it in her room with you home?

I'm bamboozled to think that my son who's 14 could be in this position! The only time he's with girls unsupervised is when he's at school! Small town, small school......they'd have to hide in the bathrooms to get anything done! OMG, I hope to High Heaven I'm not jinxing my own family!!

You must be doing something right if your daughter is coming to you!
This is a scary subject and how to handle it can mean so much to your daughter. I remember watching a show on Oprah a few years back about two 14 yr olds saying "they are ready to have sex". I believe they had Dr. Laura Berman on the show. She didn't tell them not to but asked them questions and made them answer to make up their own minds. She would ask them questions like:

Why do you think you are ready?
What would you do if you got pregnant?
Are you ready to be a parent?
How would you feel if you two were to break up (w/or w/out pregnancy)?

These questions (and more I am sure) made them think. While the boy (of course) still wanted to have sex the girl decided not to...then wouldn't you know it they broke up shortly after. I tried finding the interview on the web but couldn't find it. I did find is the show "how to have the sex talk with your kids".
http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Talking-to-Your-Kids-A...

http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Download-Dr-Laura-Berm...

This is a link for her hand book on how to talk to your kids and other stuff.

I have three girls myself (6, 8 and 12) and we use the book series "Gods design for Sex”. There are four books and they are all age appropriate. You can even read the books with your children, they read what the child role and you read the parent role. It's like they are asking your questions w/out being embarrassed or not knowing how to ask. And us parents saying enough...but not too much for their age.

Since we have opened these books, my girls have been open to me. My oldest hasn’t started her menstrual cycle yet but tells me every detail of what's going on with her body in that way. This is TMI but the other day when I was in the kitchen preparing food she came up to me to tell me that she had a lot of wetness and discharge all day long. I told her jokingly that there is a time and place to talk about these things and her comeback was “but mom, you said I can talk to you about anything anytime”. I just had to laugh.

http://www.christianbook.com/gods-design-for-sex-books-re...

I hope this helps.

okay when i went to my mom and told her i thought i was ready she just ignored me i even asked her to take me to a dr and get my on the pill JUST IN CASE. she just ignored me and all that i had sex anyways and with a condom and i ended up pregnant. If she is really serious make her an appointment at your obgyn and have her get on birth control and get her some condoms. JUST IN CASE she may come to her senses and decide not to have sex but it would be better to give her the tools incase she does so you dont end up as a grandparent

My first reaction from reading your post is that she did come to you simply because she needs you to help her say no. I agree with a trip to the doctor, all the info on STD's and even a discussion about what it would mean if she did get pregnant including all the decisions about having to raise a baby. Then I would also go at it from an emotional side. Sex is so much better when the two people are in a long term committed relationship full of love and trust. Sex is not something you give to a guy just to make him love you or stay with you. If he really did love you he would want the best for you and would respect your wishes, goals and dreams for the future. She also needs to understand that boys do not necessarily have the same emotional connection to sex than girls. How will she feel when she has given him her virginity, and a month later he is interested in someone else? It is too emotionally devastating for a young teen to deal with. And lastly, she doesn't want to get the reputation that she is easy to get in bed. She will have to wonder if any future boyfriends are just looking for easy sex or looking for a potential wife. In the dating game it is best to not have sex until you know that person is committed to you for the long haul. Why hand out the grand prize too early? And that is true for teens and adults!

You have something very good going for you--she is confiding in you. This is key, don't squelch that! I know you want to freak out and treat her like a toddler you can order and control--believe me! I know!

Take a deep breath, and pull back your perspective a little. Try to see the bigger picture in what is going on here. This isn't "your baby doing what she's not ready for" (although, that's true), this is " a young girl struggling to make the right choices". Take your feelings out of the situation when you are talking with her, and talk with her often.

You can't control her, but you can guide her to make the right choices for herself---using logic, statistics, facts. If she's smart, she'll ruminate on your advice after you leave. Empower her to make her own decisions--not those of her peers or boyfriend. Give her the tools she needs to stand up to pressure so she can stick to her decisions that are for her good and will affect the rest of her life.

Try to listen to her heart when she is speaking. Educate her, counsel her, advise her, but only in brief spurts--mostly listen. The more you listen to her, the more she will listen to you.

Finally, pray. Pray for her safety and decisions 24/7, and trust that there is a big God who loves her more than even you do! He is the only one who can see in her heart, and can see what she's doing when out of your sight, so put your trust in Him.

You are responsible for the decisions you make, and she is responsible for the decisions she makes. Her life will never be perfect and ideal-just like yours wasn't, but that doesn't make it hopeless or bad, just ...life.

Again, breathe, and keep those lines of communication open between you and her.

Good luck!

Oh! and if she chooses to defy you, you do not need to support her decision! You don't need to drive her anywhere you are not comfortable with, etc.

Oprah had a couple of shows last year, I think, regarding teenage sex. I found it very enlightening when the boy and girl in the relationship shared their perspectives. His "in love forever" and hers were very different. You might try to find the episodes (it was a series) and show it to her.
Good luck!

I am sorry i dont have time to read all the repsonses and i hope i dont repeat anything....

i am a single mom and i have a 7 yo daughter. I got pregant and 18 and had her a 19. since then i have worked 2-3 jobs at once and currently work about 80 hours a week...

why dont you take her to some preganancy clinics christian based ones. they have videos and advacates that talk about that stuff.

Hmmm this is a tuff one but I would say you might want to take her to a counseler if you can not talk her out of it. That is way to young in my opion.

You have gotten excellent advice from everyone. I wanted to add a bit of info to think about. My mom and I had an extremely open relationship, we talked about everything! I came to her one night and told her I had had sex with my BF of a little over a year and I wanted to go to the dr and get bc. In reality we had been having sex almost our entire relationship. I don't know why it took me so long for the fear of pregnancy to kick in but it did. Your daughter may already be having sex so I would make an appt asap with a gyn. Not saying that this is the case with her but just saying its a possibility to think about! good luck and I feel for ya! Hope she learns alot from a gyn and chooses to be sex free for a while longer

First, pray that she decides to wait. Second, try asking her to wait for 6 months. Tell her you can see that she is mature since she is coming to you for advice and/or just to talk about this decision. That shows she realizes it is a big decision. That being said, ask her to wait for 6 months before going forward. That will give her time to see how her relationship progresses, give her time to think through this decision, and just to really make sure she's "ready" (even though we all know a 14 year old isn't ready!) Next, see if you can do this illustration for her. I heard this from someone. They took a picture of a girl and a picture of a guy...get one from a magazine or just print it online. Then, put some glue on the picture and put them together. Explain to your daughter that having sex is a very intimate experience. Even when people casually "hook up", it's still intimate. The two bodies become one. God's plan is for this to happen between a husband and a wife and for it to be a special gift that the husband gives to his wife and the wife gives to her husband. However, some people choose to have sex before marriage. They believe it's "no big deal" they think they can handle it because it's "just for fun" and they are being casual, but the thing is, no matter how casual the relationship, because the two become one, there are always little bits of the other person left with you and little bits of you that are left with that person. Now pull the paper apart and show her how the picture of the girl and guy has changed. How neither are their whole selves anymore, they have changed, forever by having been joined. Of course you need to talk to her about being safe from disease and from getting pregnant. Have her watch the movie "16 and pregnant" (an older lifetime movie), or "Teen Mom" (on MTV), or something along those lines. They may just let her open her eyes a bit to what happens with teen pregnancy. No one things their boyfriend will leave them, but it happens. It happens in the best of relationships.

Good luck!

I just wanted to say that you must be an awesome Mom because She trusted you enough to come to you with this. What a wonderful relationship you must have with her.
I also wanted to say that I agree with a lot of the other posters who say take her to a gyn (if you haven't already) and get her on the road to having safe sex. Make sure she understands that you think she should wait, but prepare her to be safe about it if she chooses not to.

Unfortunately, you can't stop it. Just listen to her with an open mind. If you criticize her, she'll never talk to you about it again. Ask her questions. What is it that's making her feel ready? Does she love the boy? Is she feeling pressured by anyone? Make sure she knows all the risks. And if she still feels ready, make sure she's on birth control AND using condoms, even for (sorry for this) oral. It's much better for her to be protected than to come home prego or with an std. You've already got a good one on your hands, most kids won't come to their parents until they are already doing it and in trouble. You're definitely doing something right! Good luck, and remember, she's obviously a good kid looking for motherly advice, not a lecture.

I admit, so many responses that I didn't read through them all and can be repeating others, but here is my advice:
Your school district probably has an abstinence program, get your hands on the materials (ask your dgtrs school nurse, counselor or even pe coach). They have worksheets for planning your future, does she want to go to college, what are her career goals, etc. They have realistic financial worksheets for even the simple things like cost of birth control for the next 10 yrs of her life if she wants to become sexually active now. Also, the curriculum usually discusses self worth and how others in her future will value her if she is already "used". What her boyfriend of today is asking her to do will make the boyfriend of the future question whether she is worthy of him (and heck yes, the double standard still exists today!)

Keep the dialog open and honest between the two of you, my dgtr is 16 and we talk freely about sex and consequences all the time. She is not sexually active, and plans to remain that way. I like to think it was our talks that convinced her, but I believe its the way the sexually active girls in her school are viewed that has put her mind in the camp of "I don't want people saying THAT behind my back!"

Also, check the law...I don't know how old boyfriend is, but she is only 14..there could be serious legal consequences! Use all your weapons, but mostly, remain her strongest advocate.

Good luck!

Bless your heart.... mine are too young right now (5 & 2), but I SO dread this day... That is so awesome that she is talking to you about this! You've got LOTS of great advice... the only thing I might add is that if you do put on bc, I would consider the shot so you don't have to worry about missed pills, etc... in addition to the condoms. Good luck!!!

Thats great that she feels like she can come to you for this- Great Job Mom! Keep the line of communication open and also tell her the other stuff that goes along with sex, like going to the gyno- its a must and birth control, condoms - tell her about AIDs and all other true scary things that go along with it. Then ask her how she feels about having it- Good luck-

I know this may be a little harsh but...If I were you I would get a video of a woman giving birth to a child and show it to her. It will probably scare her to death and make her not want to have sex for a VERY long time. And I haven't read your responses but I would pray about it. And if she decides to do it anyway make sure she is on birth control and make sure she takes it DAILY or make her get the shot and make sure she uses condoms. Tell her all about STD's and HIV/AIDS. But most of all I would pray about it and put it in God's hands. He will take care of everything. He's never let me down! :) Good luck with everything and God bless!

This is a huge challenge for all of us parents, and was for other parents before us. All of the other suggestions are true. But you need to find a good strong church with a ministry that REALLY teaches what God says about sex before marriage. This church must have a youth ministry for your daughter that reinforces theses teachings in every thing that they do: until you say 'I do', you DON'T. Ours does, and we have a 15 yr old son who really embraces this and all that it means according to God's word. Now do not get me wrong, we may be faced with some issues similar to this at some point, but the FOUNDATION is in place. He knows that this is not something for him to even consider until he is married. We started this very early, his relationship with God. It is what makes all the difference in every decision made in our family-the guidebook we use for our lives is the bible. Your daughter should not have sex because it is not in order according to God's plan for her. She will set in motion a series of events that will ever-change her life's potential. I have not lived under a rock. I so remember being where she is! I wish I knew then what I know now, things would have been so different for me. But now I am 53, and a mother myself. I have learned a lot, and now I can give my son the benefit of what I have learned. That's why kids have paernts, to raise them up in the way that they should go. Do not try to do the popular thing, the thing that will make your daugter more your friend than your child. The answer should be NO, YOU DO NOT NEED TO START HAVING SEX. YOU ARE A CHILD, AND SHOULD STAY IN A CHILD'S PLACE.CHILDREN DO NOT HAVE SEX. THAT IS FOR MARRIED GROWN FOLKS. GOD SAID SO. If it were my daughter, I would not put her on bc, and I would keep a very close watch on her. Any dates (which really she is too young for also) would be in groups of her own age, with me as chaperone. I am not a fuddy-duddy, but its what you have to do. Bless you and good luck!!!

She is ready to start having sex when she is ready to pay all her own bills, purchase all her own food, pay all her own housing expenses, rent or mortgage, pay for all her own clothes, cover all her educational expenses and produce her own credit for loans--assuming she wants an education.
When she can bear the burden of adult responsibilities such as all these is she ready for adult priviledges like having sex.

my daughter is 11, and i am soo dreading this day. its soo good to have the sort of relationship where your daughter can talk to you, i can only hope my daughter does the same with me. Your daughter is intellegent enough to ask you for your opinion, so u actually have a chance to help her, when i was a teen, i just jumped into it, i was too scared to go to my mum for advice, and i ended up pregnant at 17. the replies posted here is great advice for me too.
i hope things work out, but if she is adamant, even after all the talks, i suggest getting her condoms to keep with her, and giving her a talk on teenage pregnancy and std's.
take care

First of all you don't let her date until she is the age you are comfortable with. My daughters weren't allowed to date until age 18 and they gripped but oh well those are the rules. She also needs to see the bad side of having sex let her know that if she goes through with this you will take her to the gyno for an STD test etc. Plain and simple I would watch her like a hawk go to her friend outings and tell her NO she is not ready and so many things can come out of this not to mention the reputation she might get when word of this gets out and it will. Kids are soooo mean. Good Luck

I agree with some of the other moms-- take her to the obgyn and have them do an exam and talk about safer sex, birth control options etc. She needs to be fully informed about her body and her choices. I suggest you get her on BC even though you don't agree with her having sex. If she is on it, she may not have sex but you would want her to be prepared if she does. Its really great that she came to you before doing it and asked you about it!!! Keep the communication open and honest---good luck!

Molly

Just giving you support. I agree with the trip to the doctor and the HPV vaccine, I don't know if I would start her on BC right away. I'd let her do some more thinking after a talk with you and doc and make sure she asks for it.
Also, to preface the meeting tell the doctor (without her there) what you want the outcome to be and see if there is a way they can 'slant' the information to go your way i.e, while there is BC, the only 100% way not to get pregnant is not to have sex - which is true. While a condom can help prevent some STDs the only way to be sure you don't contract an STD is not to have sex. The numbers don't lie. Of course if she weighs all the options and proceeds, make her as safe as possible.
Lots of prayers going your way!