Awkward Moment with My Teenage Son-what Would You Have Done?

You're funny. And that's probably exactly what I would have said under the circumstances.

Keep the conversation short and simple. I like to do it when we're driving in the car so nobody has to look at each other. Commend him for being responsible (condom) and quickly tell him any other thoughts or concerns you have on the sex thing. If you don't have anything else you need to add about sex (or possible parenthood - condoms break), just reiterate not to get swept up in horniness/passion and forget or not bother to use the condom.

Then maybe buy him a box just to really press the point home.

D.,
My kids all come to me on the subject of sex. They know they can tell me anything and they usually do. I would have just said is there anything you want, or need to tell me? I also would have offered to buy more later should the need arise, just so they could be safe. Not just for diseases, but for pregnancy too. I know too many girls who are raising their child by themselves, and the boyfriends parents don't even know that they have a grandchild out there.
W. M.

I seem to remember in high school and college there were "Health Fairs" and things like condoms would be given out...he may have gotten it this way. In other words he may not have acquired it with intent to use it, but just took it when it was offered. Since he was so embarrassed, he probably wouldn't have had the nerve to buy any. I knew a guy who was 21 and still too embarrassed to buy them!

Wow... I've never been the first to respond on mamasource!!! This must REALLY be an awkward subject for a lot of people!!! :-)
First, let me say that I survived a teenage son. He's 21 now and is a thriving young adult.
That said... on the condom. I would definately talk to him about it, but not in a lecturing or judgemental kind of a way. Just approach him with "I wanted to make sure you know.."
The things I would make sure to talk to him about are #1: Condoms kept in your wallet for too long can not be relied upon for birth control or STD protection because they are exposed to heat in the wallet and are more prone to become brittle, tear, etc. Tell him he could google this if he wanted, as it is a well known fact, and that although it is good that he carries one, he should toss it out and replace it every 3 months or so if it is not used. Make sure he knows that he can always get more condoms for free from any planned parenthood office, should he not feel comfortable purchasing them himself or asking you or your hubby for them.
The second thing I would talk to him about is to help him grasp the concept that intimacy between two people is more than just a physical act. If he has a girlfriend of 3 months and the condom is still in his wallet, I'd be willing to bet they're not intimate yet, so now is the perfect time to have this conversation with him. Explain to him how bringing that kind of intimacy into his relationship will change the dynamic of the relationship, making them both feel more emotionally vunerable, and that physical intimacy will also open doors to whatever unspoken expectations each partner holds for what an intimate relationship "should" be, what rules it must follow, what the partner must live up to, etc. We each have our own ideas of what that kind of relationship looks like, and if they take the time to talk about it first, both will have the opportunity to understand each other's expectations and there will be no surprises after the fact, when both are much more emotionally vunerable.
This is also a perfect opportunity to tell him WHY we are advised to save intimacy until we are married - and the reality of this is it is because we are so dearly loved.
By abstaining, we can be saved from the pain and confusion that sometimes errupts from premature intimacy, and by choosing abstanation we can spare our girlfriend/boyfriend from these things as well. On a larger scale, making the choice to abstain until marriage makes a very loud statement about a person's desire for and recognition of the importance of building strong, healthy families - a concept that is rapidly disintigrating in our society and especially within your young son's generation.
This is not intended to be a sermon on marriage, either from me to you or from you to your son... but rather words of wisdom spoken in love, and out of genuine concern for each other.
The reality is that someday your son WILL be a father, and the decisions he makes in regards to that condom he's carrying in his wallet today, will have everything to do with what he builds for then.
As his mother, you love him, and you want to see him grow up to be a strong man, productive, healthy, and a responsible and trustworthy head of his household who instictively steers away from unilateral thinking and instead views his family as one solid unit that moves together in all things as a whole.
It is important that he start building these concepts now, as he embarks upon the decisions that will eventually lead him there.
Much, much luck to you and your son, and many, many blessings to the future generations that will come through him. :-)

Your talk kind of depends upon your family's values and how you feel about him having sex at his age.

If you prefer that he wait longer, let him know that you realize that his body feels ready for a sexual relationship but emotionally he may not be. Most girls want a deeper commitment from their boyfriend if they are going to have sex. So ask him if he is really ready for it. Do praise him for being prepared for the eventuality and let him know that it really does make you happy that he has thought ahead about his and his girlfriend's safety and future. Do remind him that condoms are not 100% foolproof and having sex could put them both in a difficult situation if his girlfriend ends up getting pregnant due to failure of the condom. Also remind him that carrying a condom in his wallet can put stress on it that may cause it to break.

If you feel he may have sex regardless of your family values, remind him that although you would be slightly disappointed, that you are there for him if he needs to talk. This is exactly what I told my son even though he is only 14 and shy and doesn't even have a gilrfriend yet. I also told him that our bodies have not adapted to our current lifestyle of school, college, work, then family...they are still hardwired to begin searching for a mate and procreating in the teen years due to past lifespan being 30-35yo. It really is unfair that thier hormones during adolescence make these urges very strong and I told him that I would understand even though it would make me a little unhappy. Good job and good luck!

If it were my child I would try to steer him towards abstinence. I guess I would cover these points:

Because I am religeous i would cover that base first. God made sex to bond marriage partners. Outside of marriage it can cause great hardship and pain rather than the blessing it was intended to be. Sex outside of marriage can cause unwanted pregnancy, no matter how careful. Single parenting can cause more financial hardships than co parenting. Emotionally it is draining.

Sex outside marriage can make a person feel used or defiled. As a future man, I would encourage my son to honor any female and not defile her unless he was married to her. The Bible says she is the weaker sex, (I beleive that to mean more emotionally fragile or tender)which is a lovely thing- it's what makes women so special to men- and it should be respected. I might even go into the ideas that unwed females might have when they have sex with unwed males- they may tend to think "this is the one!" and are already writing his surname on the end of her first name on her notebooks!. I think males do not tend to think this way. In this regard then, it is wrong for a male to seek to have a woman's "parts and heart" who he does not intend to marry.

I assume most people now adays don't just have straight intercourse, they french kiss, have oral sex, or what have you. These are all avenues to contract disease. Many diseases are lifetime diseases. Anyone who is "marrying material" is not going to want someone who is bringing a disease on board. Especially if she ever wants children- the disease can be spread to her babies.

When you sleep with someone, you dont just sleep with them but everyone they have slept with before you.
Any girl who would sleep with you in the first few months of dating was also willing to sleep with any guy who she dated before you. A girl who sleeps with you on the first date would VERY likely do so with many other guys on the first encounter.

My first boyfreind (at 14) would open his wallet and have rubbers fall out. He even had his freind ask him questions about sex in front of me to make himself look macho. We did our innocent 'kissing behind the bleachers' for the summer and he just kind of dissapeared from my life. He re-entered again 4 years later and at this point after a few months of dating wrote me a letter asking me to marry him and telling me he was a virgin!(which I beleive was true).
So just because your son has rubbers does not mean he has used them. I think many boys might carry them for show.

Good luck,
Gail

First, tell your son that you are absolutely delighted that he is being careful and using condoms. I don't think you need to ask him if he's sexually active--- whether he is or he isn't, this is your opportunity to have a deeper conversation with him than just "who puts what where." Try to let him know that lots of kids his age are just trying to score, boys and girls alike, and they pay no attention to the emotional aspects of sexual relationships. Tell him you hope he is more of a man than that, and that he is respectful and considerate of his partner, because that is the key to becoming a real man.

Hello D.: I am the mother of 5 and the proud mother to several foster children and a Grandmother. It is from these experiances that I want to respond to your question.
In our home my sweet husband is truely the heartbeat and the kind one I am the one that is direct and hits the ground running just so you understand where I am coming from.
When our children were young we took in newborns that were for adoption but not placed yet for various reasons. I always put my children in charge of the babies so that they were the main care taker when they got home. The lesson learned was important and has stayed with them and their friends & now is being taught to their children. We stayed within just a few standards when it came to sex. I was clear and firm in what I wanted them to know and how I felt about them being sexually active-
1. I want to be a mother in law before becoming a Grandmother.
2. Sex, is a powerful feeling and can be controlling and destructive when used wrong. So respect yourself enough to not be sexually active until you have met the person that you are sure you want to spend the rest of your life with--- that doesn't happen at 12, 14 or 16 as a rule.
3. Do you have the guts and the strength to accept the responsibility of a new life no matter how much protection you use. My husband as a math teacher gave an assignment that was aappreciated by several students and parents with wonderful notes of thanks. Assignment: Figure out the cost of formula, clothes, diapers, day care, medical, emotional, rent, and no sleep because the child is ill-- and the other parent has just jumped ship and isn't helping. What is the cost of being a teenage parent. This same man also taught kids how to do geometry usuing a pool table. He had strong feelings about teaching where the kids were coming from.
So if you can't afford it then just like with any expensive item YOU WAIT.
Yes, we have literally had these conversations with more than one child and more than one time with our kids. Some foolishly thought I might change my mind. Some of them had never heard of standards until they lived with us so not being sexually active was an interesting concept. Some had such little self esteem that they were willing to sacrifice what they really wanted - self respect- for the chance to be held and yes, used. Planning on being ready and being cool by having a condom at hand so you look cool to your friends in case it comes up is a child thing and sex is an adult thing.
# 4. Do you have the sexual genelogy of the partner that you are with?? In this day and age one should be fully aware that unless you are both only with this one person then you are endangering yourself and anyone that you choose to have contact with later. So I guess that I am more about personal self worth and self respect weather you are a young man or young woman.
I have had one child inour home that was abused by her boyfriend and has lived with years of regret about it.
As for the other issue of how the girlfriend dresses---- I have learned that my girls dressed modestly because we expected it. BUT I also learned that my sons girl friends dressed that way because they wanted them to. They didn't want their girlfriends showing off their bodies to someone else. So you might consider talking to your son about what he expects and learn about where he is coming from. It could be a real growing moment. Parenthood is like an adventure ride full of excitement and twists and turns. But it is the most rewarding thing that I have ever done. Good Luck, NanaG

First of all, boys do carry condoms as a "badge of courage" among their peers. (I used to teach middle and high school, yes even middle school.) So it does not mean he is sexually active. I have another funny story about that, too.

Main thing I would make very clear is that wallets are the worst place to keep a condom, the heat alone can cause it to break down and not be useful. But secondly condoms are not 100% protection against STD's and pregnacny even when used properly. Explain the things that he could miss or the way things will change if he had an STD or an unplanned pregnancy, use real examples. Let him know you would like him to wait, he needs to know it's importatnt to you, too. Of course let him know you are there no matter his choice.

Sunnie,
Mama to an active 5 year old, working part time for as long as my MS symptoms let me.

These responses have made me sad. While no you cannot stop them you can talk to them and let the know how you feel. I cannot imagine telling my teenage child it is okay to have sex as long as it is protected. As you see I wrote child because they are still children. If your child is having sex you cannot keep them from getting someone pregnant or getting pregnant. Also my husband works with HIV/AIDS patients and to hear the stories make me sad. I practiced abstinence before I got married and so did all my bros and sisters. So it can be done. If you are going to give him the okay to have sex make sure it is safe-don't let him be one of the ones that ends up becoming a teen dad. Condoms are not always the safest methods. I am sure you can tell I prefer the abstinence method. Good luck!!

I am so impressed that as a relationships expert/author that are you still knowledgeable enough to know that too much advice is usually a good thing.
Sounds like you got some good advice. Respect his privacy, try not to act ackward, express your beliefs, but encourage him to make his own decisions using his best judgment (as always you hope you have already taught him the facts and how to use good judgment and the effects of sex (other than pregnancy- effect on relationship, potential legal issues, impacts on later morals/values in life whatever), and now you just have to encourage him and hope that your years of parenting and preparing for this moment were good. However, that doesn't mean you can't continue to remind him of the realities of life, you are still his parent, but try not to nag or you will turn him away. I have always thought that when it comes to this one subject a parent does more good to act as a "friend" or "counselor" instead of the "parent" - which is usually the opposite for many other aspects of parenting. With that being said, you ARE still his parent, so their always will be that amount of embarassment, and that is probably a good thing, it reflects the important topic that it is.

I experienced that with my son when he was a teen and hid it behind the wallclock in his room. Awkward indeed. I first said to him that in the event he decided to have relations that I was happy he was thinking of safe sex but that they come in sizes and this one was for sure not his size and that they do expire. I ttook this opportunity to tell him that they are not foolproof for pregnancy prevention and that he should think long and hard before having sex as a child is for a lifetime. I also explained that sex shpould be between two people that love each other and are married. I told him his body will have feelings of arousal at times but that he shouldn't act on those feelings unless he and the girl can and know exactly how they will be able to support a child as well as themselves. Sex if for people mature enough to handle the consequences and preferably once you are married. He always knew he could come to me and talk about anything.

Hi D.. This was perhaps your "aha" moment. Mine came when my son was a little older, when his senior class went to Hawaii to celebrate HS graduation. A few days before he was to leave I got thinking about those hotel rooms, the girls, the....opportunity. I am a single mom with no involvement from the dad so I've been having both the mom and the "dad" conversations with him. In these conversations I always stressed abstinence and the risks of pregnancy, HIV/Aids and the responsibilities and life changes resulting from that. Anyway, knowing my son was VERY social, I wondered if I needed to buy him some condoms for the Hawaii trip. Before I did that, I initiated a conversation with him about, well, you know, the hotel rooms, the girls....So, he got it and replied, "Don't worry Mom, I've got it covered." Well I wasn't so sure I got what he was saying until that "aha" moment came when I said, "Are you sexually active?" He replied, "Yes." Oh, my," was what I was thinking. My son has never had a girlfriend but lots of friends that were girls. So, I said, "oh, how many girls?" He honestly answered there were two. OK. So I told him (this was the mom in me talking) I was disappointed that his first sexual encounters were with people he wasn't in love with, because the experience is so different and utterly wonderful between true lovers than with casual friends. I made sure I kept my emotions in check which really helped my son feel more comfortable discussing this with me. So......he is off to college. Before he left I told him I hoped he would be discriminating with the girls he had sexual relationships with. I told him how much I and my college girlfriends disliked the guys that slept with any girl and I asked him to please to think seriously about not being that "kind of guy." Well, since then I have found condoms everywhere....backpack, car, dorm room. Rather than being upset about it I think how grateful I am that at least he is being smart about it and protecting himself. I recognize that at this point it would be absurd for me to lecture about abstinence......

So.....my advice D. is this: be cool, be non-judgmental and just ask him if he is sexually active and you may be very surprised, as I was, to have him just admit it. This opens the door to have a frank and adult conversation with him about protection, about responsibility, about emotional maturity. Share with him, if you are comfortable, your feelings about this when you were his age. I think the honesty I gave to my son really helped him to feel comfortable and, most importantly, safe in discussing this topic honestly with me, his Mom!

I wish you well with this. It isn't easy but it doesn't have to be hard. I think my son really appreciates my concern and "coolness" about this issue. Of course, I'll never let him know how much I really worry about him as I don't want to do anything to jeopardize his willingness to honestly discuss this "stuff" with me.

Oh, by the way, his University has a robust Health Services program actively discussing sexuality, contraception , risk of HIV/Aids, STDs, providing outreach, counselling.... You know, I don't like it one bit but I am grateful the school addresses it head on. Like it or not, this is the world we live in.

All my best to you on this journey.

D.,

I would start by saying I know that it was really awkward for me to see your condom drop on the floor. I want you to know that I love you and support you. If you want to talk about sex or anything for that matter, you can always come to me. I need you to know that while I am very happy that you are taking the precautions to protect yourself and your girlfriend, you need to be prepared for the consequences as well. What would you do if you got an STD or someone pregnant? Would you be able to support the person in their pregnancy? What if they wanted to have an abortion? Would you be able to handle that? I would mainly open up the communication and let him lead the conversation---those questions were just ideas- I wouldn't ask him all that at once.... Good luck!!!

Molly

I think I would probably just leave it alone. He's 16, he doesn't need a "birds and bees" talk. If I really felt strongly about needing to have any sort of conversation about it, I'd probably just choose a quiet moment (but in a place where he could get away quickly) and seriously say "I'm really proud of you for being responsible about birth control, regardless of whether or when you use that condom." Then I'd stop talking, or maybe ask him if he had anything he wanted to ask me or talk about. At his age I'm sure sex is the LAST thing he wants to talk about with his mom, and I'm also sure he thinks he's got it all handled.

cant say what i would have done, but 16 is a very average age for sex to occur these days, so you have to accept that he is getting ready. i would definitely take the opportunity to have a real, mature conversation about what it will mean if/when he starts that relationship and how things will change and the statistics about birth control failure. also, i saw a woman mention proper use of condoms (so important get over the embarassment and bust out the banana!) but did not mention that you must leave room in the tip by giving a good tug. the last thing you need is a 17 y.o. with a broken condom. sounds like you are feeling the same things all of us will be feeling when our kids embark on this inevitable and life-changing journey. keep up the good work.

I think you both did great. He obviously cares a lot about what you think, otherwise he wouldn't have bothered to tell you that he hasn't used it.

If you want to talk to him about it further, you might offer some information about how to properly use a condom. The most common condom failures can be prevented by 1. holding onto the base of the condom while withdrawing so that it doesn't slip off; 2. storing condoms in a cool place; 3. keeping them out of contact with any oily substance, e.g. massage oil.

I apologize if this information seems too forward to other moms! I know we all come down a little differently on the issue of sexuality. By the way, I totally support parents expressing their values and their wishes for their children, abstinence included.

Hi D.,
I am a fmily therapist who specializes in teens and their families-- I have a few 8 years yet to go before I have my own teens. I would recommend you tell your son you're proud of him-- he is doing the right thing, and you want to reinforce that kind of behavior. If you think you could do it comfortably, I would recommand you say to your son, 'I know that was awkward for both of us when the condom fell out of your wallet. I just wanted to tell you I'm really glad you're taking sex seriously and are prepared. You know you can always talk to me about anything ifyou wever have any questions. I love you.' Let him know you recgonize his choice to be responsible and are glad about it, that you're still open to talking to him now that it may not just be 'theoretical' and that you love him. Those are the main points to cover, in my opinion.
Good luck! As for his girlfriend wearing more clothes-- didn't our parents think the same things about us? I know I wore shorts then I would NEVER wear now!

Having a condom or using one does not mean they know how to use it correclty. Take him to planned parenthood to a teen time. I took my son there to get checked out durring a teen clinic and there was an educator there talking to the group of kids waiting their turn to be seen. Although I was appauled at the things I was hearing I was glad to know they were learning how to be the safest they can be if they are going to be active. Never assume they know how everything they need to know.

I'm not where you are yet, but was intriqued by your situation. I agree with all the comments so far. My only thought to add is to ask if he has any questions. It may be a good way to open the conversation. And to find out how far along they/he is without having to ask directly. You have already had the sex talk so he knows the details. I would try to keep it short and sweet, and as many have said so far, talk about if he is really emotionally ready. Good luck!

D., a conversation may push him away. I would just tell acknowledge what happened and let him know that you are there if he wants to talk. When he does want to talk, just listen. Don't interrupt or offer advice, unless he asks for it.
You have obviously done something right- you have an open line of communication, and he is using protection. let him lead this process and be willing to listen!

As a high school teacher bimut a parent of a much younger brood i would say it warrants further conversation. Chances are he just carries it around with the hope most boys have that eventually it will come in handy

You need to have a talk with him alone, no matter how embarrassing it is for both of you. Tell him that you are glad that he is using protection but that you do have some concerns. Tell him that if he gets a girl pregnant, his life choices will be dramatically limited (college, marriage, travel etc). Also, it's important to talk about how to treat a woman...this really should come from the dad but if he's too much of a prude to talk about it, then you need to. Your son needs to know that you aren't ashamed of what's he's done and that he can talk to you about anything.

Good luck

Just to let you know- I remember a few times in high school, there were AIDS prevention rallies and kids would hand out condoms- and you could go to the health teacher and get condoms too- Just because it's fun to take them "like a badge of honor" another mama said, doesn't mean kids were doing anything with them... MAYBE it's not as bad as it looks.

Hi D.!

First off, I think you handled it well. If anything, you've done the right thing by still allowing the communication lines to keep flowing, and your son has now crossed that first time "embarrassment" with his mom.

However, just because he had the condom in his wallet, doesn't mean he is sexually active......YET! It could only mean that he is thinking about it, and just wants to be prepared. He should be commended for this action!

Good job! You have a very responsible young man on your hands trying to "fit in" and act like a responsible teenager. So far, so good :O)

~N. :O)

I think you handled it well by making a light/humorous comment. It let him get that first initial rush of embarrassment out of the way. Now you can talk to him more about it (soon - if he has the condom and his gf is scantily clad - there are MANY 14 year olds having sex these days - by the time he is 16 I'm sure he's feeling like he's the only one who hasn't even though that isn't the case). With my teenager it was always great to keep things humorous at first to put everyone at ease, then slowly transition into a more serious talk based on your own values of responsible sexuality or abstinence. You might also have him babysit his 4 year old sister a dozen times or so solo, just to drill it home that he does NOT want to become a daddy any time in say...the next decade or two. :) Good luck!

Hi! Congratulations on seeking advice--and on not freaking out on him in the moment.

Lecturing is not going to help, but listening will. There is a wonderful booklet entitled "Supporting Adolescents." you can get it at Hand in Hand Parenting.(http://www.handinhandparenting.org/literature.html#Listen...)

I found that as my daughter reached her teens and twenties (she's almost 25), that what works best when I talk with her about important things is to trust her and to be curious about her process. Sharing my experiences can also be helpful. I find that my willingness to be present with her as she struggles through issues helps her more in the long run than any lecture I have given her. Not easy, but profound.

Best best wishes to you all,
Meg

It is a tough time; we don't want teens having sex but more so we don't want teens having babies. You might want to call Planned Parenthood and ask if they have booklets on teen sex education. I got some very well written booklets at Kaiser for my granddaughter and I did ask her Mom but her step father was very upset. My granddaugher was asking questions and no one wanted to tell her anything. So if you have Kaiser, check with their education dept. Or check with your private doctor and the library too. I always used books when teaching my kids or answering thier questions or just leaving materials in their room for them to read and saying, "If you would like to talk, I am here."
And it might be a thing that guys do; carry a condom in their wallet for looks too. But it is better to be ready.
Praise him for his good sense but their is more to sex than the physical part.
F.

Maybe you could take him aside and talk about the situation. It is possible that they have not had sex...but the fact that he is carrying a condom is a good thing... at least he is smart enough to use it. I would just approach him in a positive way and talk about it...

My son waited until he was 18 and my daughter until she was 19. With my daughter, she was unsure about the entire experience so I talked to her about it, teaching her things she could teach him. (I got my daughter when she was 15... long story.) I was sure my son was well-educated on the subject and was proud of him for waiting so long... by the way, he is married to his first.

Hi D.,

I would tell him what you told us. "Part of me feels fortunate that if my son has decided to become sexually active, at least he's being smart about it." I would also tell him that if he feels he is ready to take that step that he should also be ready to take any consequences that come from his actions. No matter how much you plan, or don't plan, things happen.

So, you can let him know that you are glad he is "prepared" if the occasion should arise (no pun intended), but make sure that he is also ready to take on STDs and babies as a result of his actions.

D.

AFTER READING YOUR RESPONSE -- Just goes to show it's not only the boys that can be the "Horn Dogs". It might be a good time for all teen parents to have a little heart to heart!

Blessings to all.......

Dear D.,

It sounds like you have a Christian home and perhaps hold the belief of abstinence before marriage. You say your husband is a “bit of a prude”, but he is still part of the picture, so if you have not had the talk, it’s time to have the talk.

You son was embarrassed for a number of reasons. One, he knows what the family values are, and to be sexually active as a teenager is not how he was brought up.

I think it is O.K. to express your values and expectations. I wouldn’t necessarily praise him for using a condom (if he is having sex) Keep in mind lots of young men carry a condom in the wallets to show off and they are not having sex. However I would not condemn him for using a condom because the last thing a teen boy or girl need is to become teen parents.

Bottom line is he will ultimately make the decision and it has to be a responsible decision that should be based on knowledge not hormones. If he is sexually active and you know this for a fact, I believe his girlfriend’s parents have a right to know as well. Both your son and his girlfriend should go through the course where they have a simulated baby and have to care for it 24/7.

Blessings…….

Hi D.
Don't make a big deal just ask sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with your son this should not be awkward at all
Good Luck and keep up the good job
there's only a few of us that have open communication about sex drugs and every thing else with our kids don't stop now
KEEP IT SIMPLE !!!
D.
mom of 4

First of all, I would let him know that you love him and would like him to wait to have sex. I would let your son know that you are glad he wants to be safe if he decides to be sexually active. Tell him if he is having sex, he needs to be checked for sexually transmitted diseases 1-2 times per year. If he doesn't want to talk to you or his father about his sex life, let him know he has to be honest with his doctor. Also tell him that his wallet is not a good place to keep a condom as it can breakdown due to heat and friction making it uneffective. Is he ready to become a father? Good luck. May the lines of communication remain open and honest. ;-)

I think it's good that you acknowledged the condom. I would have an informal chat with him next time you get a moment. Talk to him about being safe, making wise choices, and then I would pointedly ask him if he's sexually active. He may just be showing off for the guys. But if he is active, or he's thinking about it, this is the time to remind him of your family or religious values (if relevant) or share your thoughts on the subject. Don't lecture, just inform. Be open-minded... Don't judge. It won't be as bad as you think.

Good Luck! Good job so far...

www.thosecrazybeans.blogspot.com

Hi!
Well... I think your reaction was right on the nose... and I do think you need to have just a "brush up talk"... not a long lecture with him... now that the moment has passed, and you've had time to catch your breath, remember that boys sometimes consider it "cool" to carry one in their wallets and it could simply be that. But on the other hand, if you think he might be considering the issue with his girlfriend, you might praise him for being responsible and maybe, depending on your stance, remind him that it is not a decision to make lightly. :)

I remember boy's in high school carrying condoms around in there wallets...boy's I knew weren't using them. He most likely just keeps it in his wallet "just in case". Although now that I am a mother I would be horrified if I saw a condom in my son's wallet. I think you should just ask him if he is having sex...the pain and awkwardness will last a short while. And then remind him that his wallet is no place to be storing condoms...to be most effective they should be kept in a cool dry place (and at this age you need them to be effective).
S.

First of all, you should be very proud of your son for having a condom for when IT does happen. Just because he has one in his wallet does not mean he is active sexually. As a mother of a 16 1/2 year old by you should keep communication open as much as possible. I know of four kids your son's age and younger who are parents already. Believe me that talking to him about protection is not only wise but much easier than talking to him about what to do with a girlfriend who is pregnant. Be adult about it and don't show him any sign of embarressment on your part. It is a great thing to have children who will talk to you. Mine do, and they are in thier early 20's. Sex is not a taboo anymore like in the past. It is a common occurance in High School age and even Junior High School age children. we may not like it, but society had changed alot since we were young. Educate him with as much knowledge as possible. STD's are so bad now in young teens, It is very imortant to discuss this with him. You break the ice and open the subject with him. Let him know he doesn't need to be embarressed to talk to you. This is where we do become somewhat of our children's friend. But mostly thier confidant.

D. ~

Good for you for being open to talking about it. Kids are totally lost these days, and involved parents make all the difference. So, be brave and talk with him, don't talk at him, but with him. Tell him how it was awkward for you, and how it made you feel. Then find out what his thoughts are. Dialogue is not something that happens one time and its over. Continue to be present, stay grounded and let your authentic self come out. Talk to him about the emotional side of sex and how it is very different for girls than boys, etc. Let him see that you understand him and he will open up more. And, that's really what you want for him to come to you and share his life and seek counsel. Your husband really does need to be involved and he needs to relax. It is important that your son feel safe with both parents, and his dad is a huge part of his sexual development.

Hope that helps! Be courageous and go for it.

I see two possibilities. The first is what most parents would probably do. Ignore it. Respect his privacy and let both of you go back to the polite fiction that neither side has an active sexuality.

If you feel that something must be said, take him aside and say that although it was an embarassing moment, you are glad he is planning to be responsible. You should also mention that storing condoms in his wallet may not be good for the condoms so he should make sure to replace it every couple of months.

Most likely it is there as a hope rather than a plan. Most 16 yr old boys are probably not in a situation to use a condom, no matter how much they'd like to think it could happen. Most of my male college friends used to joke about the petrified condom they carried in their wallets from puberty.

If you think he is sexually active, do what you can to promote safe and ethical behavior. Encourage him to follow the good campers rule: leave everything better than you found it. But mostly respect his privacy. This is an area where the less a mom is involved, the better.

D.,
I have had this type of akward moment with my 16 yr old. I think it's great that you do have open lines of communication with him. I think that is very important. My son tends to tell his dad more than I but thats fine because some things I really don't want to know :)
But I have talked to him about the importance of what having sex really means. I told him that it is something not to be taken lightly and people can get hurt including him!
I obviously was sexually active young as I had him at 17. But I told him that I really wanted him to be sure that he wanted to take that step before he did. I told him I knew that he was a teenager and he probably didn't think too much about feelings involved so I told him to think about how he really felt about this person and what that meant not just in the moment but how would he feel tomorrow? I told him that you want to be safe which your son is thinking about/doing.
My husband went out and bought him a box of condoms this is what his mom did. You can get a big box at Costco and local clinics will give them for free.

My husband took him to Planned Parenthood not sure if you have one in your area. He went to a class for boys to educate them of the risks of STD's and pregnancy. We both wanted him to have the "right" answers not what his peers told him if he was brave enough to ask. My biggest fear ofcourse is becoming a grandma way too soon! Or having him to have to make those types of decisions. I hope I have made an impact so that doesn't happen. So I hope this helps it is still a hard subject. They have hormones going all over the place. But hopefully you can just instill some wisdom about the bigger picture. Just wanted to mention I do work from home and noticed you want to be a stay at home mom. If you are interested I could share with you what I do from home.
Let me know and GOOD LUCK teenagers are challenging to say the least.

G. Diamond

Well, obviously it has never been used, it's still the package! :P Seriously though, if he has it and he has a steady girl friend then the chances are he has or is planning to. I would put it to him in just that way. It is hard to deny the physical evidence. Personally I have always stressed with my kids abstinence and protection. It sounds as if he is at least being smart IF he is having sex. It may be worthwhile to talk to the girl as well (I think her parents should know too). One of the things I have stressed with my older kids is the formula of Friendship, Respect and Trust. Work on being friends, out of that grows respect and in a truly long lasting relationship trust will follow. If he really cares for this girl he will practice THAT rather than (sorry for being crude) focusing on her boobs because all of us change physically, it is the person inside who we really need to explore and get to know.
Don't act mad but tell him you expect him to be gentleman and to continue to communicate with you and to treat her with a great deal of respect because at this age he needs to realize that he is practicing on HER what he will hope to have in later years.
I see you are a relationships expert? Amazing how easy it is with other people and yet SO hard with your own kids, huh? =) Good luck. Been there, done that, have the merit badge and have two more pre-teens to go! OY!

To funny, Now that the shock factor is over, yes I would have a refresher course with your previous conversation about sex. We can't prevent it, but we can give them all the truths about the consequences. Something I always told my teens. If you don't plan on spending the rest of your life with them you shouldn't be in bed with them. Are you ready to raise a child? What will you do if she becomes pregnant? Does she agree about what you would want to do if she gets pregnant? Best of Luck, N.