Daughter Brought up the Subject of Possibly Being Ready for Sex

YES YES YES to the birth control...better to be safe than sorry beause she is sooooo young...Take her to the doctor and ask questions, get information on what might work the best for her EVEN IF SHE IS NOT READY TO HAVE SEX...My children have had the same doctor for 10+ years so my oldest was comfortable going to talk to him and telling him straight up "I'm not ready to have sex yet, but when the time comes, I want to be protected!!" She is 18 now and I'm taking my 15 year old in next month to see what is best for her...I want to be a grandma, but not for a few years yet...Best of luck to you!!!

D.,
Just a PS to my previous note regarding worth the wait website. Specifically, go to the FAQ's and read question #10 - Is there really such a thing as "safe sex." Again, this program was started by a OB/gyn who has done a lot of research on teens and sex.

Strange as this idea might seem, what if her special someone is saving his virginity for her and waiting until marriage with her to give it away as a marvelous gift to her?

Sounds like you missed the perfect opportunity at a "teachable moment" by being "speechless". Would have been a great time to point out to your daughter that her the boy she once considered sleeping with is now her EX (& the reasons why), and others cons, esp. at her age.
Makes me wonder, how have you modeled your love life for her and your son to see? Or her father? Since she has divorced parents, she may see that you or your husband have different partners and that is the basis for her decisions.
You could put her on birth control, but that doesn't protect her from STDs or AIDS and without talking to her about this, it's just giving her the go-ahead to have sex.
Good luck!

I am glad you are staying calm and strong through this difficult time. At 15 you seem invincible and that nothing bad can happen to you. I taught high school for three years until I had my son. I had one student receive a diagnosis of HIV at 15...she had already had a miscarriage at 14. She had only been with two boys. She turned to me because she didn't have a mother at home and I was a good listener. I had another student who our due dates were a week apart. We suffered through morning sickness together. She was 16. The father was 15. I didn't go back to teach the next year, so I didn't find out what happened with them. Kids are having sex and not using protection or if they are not using it properly. I would stress if she is ready to face the consequences of becoming sexually active. Yearly pap smears and check ups with blood work. Possible yeast and other easily treatable infections from sexual activity. Then you get into the STDs...herpes (no treatment and having to tell every future sexual partner you have that you have it)...and possibly passing it on to your future children. Genital warts (there are some images of them if you Google them). Those have to be frozen or burnt off. Just the reality of what can happen when you choose to have sex. Not including the emotions and feelings (especially of being used)...how would she have felt after having had sex and loosing her virginity to the ex-boyfriend now that they have broken up?? If she is determined to have sex, she probably will, just make sure she is educated and protected. Really it is so much better to wait and as adults we can see that, at 15...their brains are still developing and learning to process consequences to their actions. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Wow! Mine are still very little (5, 3 and 4 months) so I don't have any on hand experience with this topic yet. However, here is what my parents did with me. My mother had the "girl" talk with me when I was very young and then a few years later (I think I was 10 or 11) my father sat me down and had the "boys" and sex talk with me. He was very open and honest about it. He said that boys were very hormonal and that pretty much all of them only think about sex. He said that this wasn't because they were bad, but that boys when teens were just wired to think about this all the time. He said, " I should know I was a boy once." He also told me about sex and how babies are made. He said that sex was a wonderful thing, but it is only truely wonderful between a man and a woman that are married. He made it clear to me that giving myself to someone was special and that he felt the only person that was special enough to give this "gift" to was whoever my husband would be.
During this talk he never said "you must" "you have to" or any thing that seemed like he was laying down the law. He was very open and honest about it and I knew that at any time in my life I could go to him or my mother about these issues.
I think the fact that our family was religious also influenced my outlook on sex. I did wait to have sex until I was married. Sometimes it was hard being the resident "virgin" during high school and college (I went to a very small university) but I stuck to my guns and you know what most guys respected me more. They were very nice and sweet to me (because I wasn't seen as some sort of conquest to them, I never had rumors spread around about me. Yea, some guys I never talked to again once they found out I wasn't going to have sex with them, but I realized that those weren't the guys I wanted to be around.
I truely believe that girls at this age not only need great female role models in their life but also male ones. I know you are a single mother so perhaps there is an uncle or grandfather that could talk to you daughter about boys. Or maybe there is some other male figure you trust.
If this isn't possible then I think you are on the right track. Just be open and honest about things, but let it be known what your opinions of the subject are. You are right that you shouldn't be naive that she will wait until she is married but 15 is too young to start. You need to let her know that you understand her feelings of not wanting to wait to have sex until she is married, but that you feel at 15 she is not physically and emotionally ready to have sex. She needs to fully be aware of the precautions and effects having sex will have on her. There's pregnancy, STDS and the emotional aspect. She needs to know boys her age do not have the same emotional compacity that she does and that sex to her will not only be physical but emotional. To a boy it is purely physical no matter how much he tells you he loves you. Its all biological for them.
I also think you need to exaust all options before putting her on birth control. I think if you put her on birth control before you are sure she is sexually active then its just telling her that she is now cleared to go ahead and have sex. Take her to a day care and let her see what its like to have a baby/kids. Let her see what STD's do to a person. Maybe if she has the whole picture she will re-think how ready she really is for sex.
Hope this helps.

Do not, repeat, do not put her on birth control. That sends the message that a) sex before marriage is okay, and b) you don't trust her judgment.

Ask her if she's ready for sex with a boy who, the next day, will be boasting about it in the locker room.

Sex before marriage might be okay if she were 25 instead of 15. She is not ready for the total commitment that a sexual relationship implies. Nor for the risk of sexually transmitted diseases, which are prevalent and (many of them) incurable. You don't want your daughter condemned to a lifetime of genital herpes, for instance.

When she gets married she will want to have something that only she and her husband will share. If she waits then there will be a special bond between the two of them.

By the way, if your daughter is still a virgin please consider her getting the Gardasil vaccine against human papilloma virus (HPV). This is the virus that causes cervical cancer, and is not effective in women who are sexually active.

Cathy

Your daughter is going though a very normal stage in her life right now. With movies, commercials, TV shows, magazines and even the people she talks to or sees on a daily basic can cause her to react this way. Now a day a 15 year old knows way to much for there own good. I am 25 years old and for a year I took in my cousin (15 about to turn 16) in to live with me because she was just to much for her mother (her mother has 5 other children besides her, one 26 living outside the house already, one is 18 very sick, handicap and needs constant care, 2 other teenage boys 13 and 14 and one girl 12). Looking at their situation I felt this girl had so much potential but living in those conditions it was hard for her to make the right decisions for example; last year she only made it to school half the time and the rest of the time she was wondering the streets of San Antonio with her friends. On the weekend she was never home because there was never anybody there so again there she is wondering the streets sleeping from house to house and her choice of friends were not always the top pick if you know what I mean. She ended up having to go to court for all the absent days of school with her mother and explain to the judge why she could not make it and why her mother did not do anything about it. Of course she got punished and when it came to this point that was when I knew she was going down hill and I took her mother aside and asked her if she could stay with me for the summer (I had just had a baby on January) to help me with the baby (she was very attached to our new little girl) and to help me with our daycare that my husband and I owned. She agreed and through the whole summer I basically whipped her back into shape. I found that @ her age most of her friends were no longer virgins and she to thought about doing something that drastic. She said this “now a days to can not hold on to a boy endless you give them a reason to stay.” My mouth dropped and for a split second I was speechless but @ the same time I was trying to thing of what I could say to possibly change her mind. So then she asked me how old I was when I decided to go all the way. I told her I did not have my first boyfriend till I was a senior in high school and even @ that he still waited a year till he got in my pants. She thought I was lying of course and when she looked @ the seriousness in my face she then knew that I was not, but then I told her but that was not my first time. I was 15 years old just like you, but let me tell you I would have never wanted to lose something that precious @ such a young age! It was not given it was taken from me in the worst way. So I was not one of the lucky teens that got to choose when, where, how or with whom because before I could even thing about doing something like that a man had already done it to me. That is why I see things way different then she does now. That is why I waited till I was 24 to have my first child (she was planned) and why I think it is so important for her to think about what she is going to do before she runs out to do it with the boy she has only been with for 2 or 3 weeks not knowing if he was going to be there 2 or 3 months from now. Think about accidents, how many girls has he been with, does he have any STD’s and if he did would he tell you. One year later she is still holding on to something that she now sees as precious as well telling me that she will not disappoint me, not only that she is now trying to talk sense into her friends. I am so proud of her. So my advice to you is let her know about your situations. These teens need to guidance in doing the right thing because the wrong is 10 times easier then the right. Good luck and if you have any other questions feel free to ask.
T.

You need to instill in her that sex is a beautiful thing created for a husband and a wife. She needs to wait till she is married to ensure she won't be used, cheated on, called names, get pregnant and not be ready to care for a baby, and know the person very well due to the fact she could get a disease. She needs to know that sex was created for marriage because it builds an unbreakable bond between two people who love each other. She also needs to spend more time with her father or a male role model. The reason she is looking for sex with a boyfriend is because she wants that love from a man. I can tell she is very smart and the relationship you have with your daughter is great since she can talk to you about it. You do need to explain though that the only way for her to protect herself mentally, physically, spiritually, is to wait for marriage when she has fallen in love with that one special person and that if she does wait till then it will mean so much more and make her a stronger, better person. My husband and I are both teachers and I know the pressure girls feel these days.
I would suggest not putting her on birth control because boys who find out will want to date her just for sex. They think girls on birth control or girls that have already had a baby are easy. It’s also kind of giving her permission, like your OK with a 15 year old having sex.
Just talk it over with her. Show her at her age there are more cons to having sex than pros.

B.
www.MoreForMyBaby.com

I wish I could channel Dr. Laura --- because she would have plenty of advise for you and your daughter -- you should both call in on her show and get some sounds advise. Have you talked with her about all the reasons not to have sex --- and about what she wants for her future? At her age sex is not about love -- it is just about boys and girls without the self-control or self-love and self-respect to know they are worth better treatment. You can ask her what she hopes to gain by having sex- if it is a committed relationship, love, I think with discussion she would realize that at her age that is not likely. In an instant she is willing to give up something very precious and valuable, and she can never get that back again. You cannot give up that much of your private self and not feel regret and a deep loss. If all the girls are so happy doing that why is the suicide rate so high among girl teens and even girls in college -- who sleep around? I don't know if her dad is in her life - but it would be a good time for him to speak to her and tell her how precious and wonderful she is. She is not the person she is going to be at 19 or 22 and why would she want to mess up becoming that amazing person and risk all the negatives to having sex at such a young age -- disease, loss of self esteem, infertility, unwanted pregnancy, she could side track some pretty amazing experiences and goals in her life. Her chastity - can only grow more valuable over time and be worth the wait when she does mature and is ready for love, relationship, children, ... I wish you luck - our children grow up way too fast - and are exposed to so much "adult" entertainment at too young of an age. Do not be afraid to be open and frank with your daughter - she should never have sex because she is feeling pressured, or trying to hold on to a even more immature guy who can't control himself honorably, or because she "thinks" everyone is doing it. She should love her self first and want what is best for her -- help her set some short and long term goals - get her involved in service or a charity organization - and again both of you call Dr. laura's show it's on talk radio every day for several hours - it may be worth keeping her home one day for.

I do not have a teenage daughter but I do have a 9 yr. old daughter who is asking lots of questions. I felt very awkward speaking to her about this because I wanted to make sure I had the right answers to her questions. Luckily, I found a wonderful book called "Preparing your Daughter for Every Woman's Battle" by Shannon Eldridge. The first part of the book is for the parents to read with chapter titles such as "Setting High Standards",and "Speaking Her Language" and the last half of the book is for you and her to read together. It was helpful, although some of the chapters my daughter is not ready for, but it has been a great resource. I H. this helps a little.

I would first educate her in all the risks of having sex, help her learn about all sexual transmitted diseases, aids and pregnancy. Make sure she also knows that unprotected sex can give you a STD that can cause cervical cancer as well. Then after she is properly educated if she still thinks she is thinking of having sex then yes I would put her on the pill and teach her the proper use of a condom. But I would also explain to her that this does not give her a free for all to go out and start having sex that you don't think she is really ready for such a grown up decision as sex, but that you wanted her to be protected in case the situation happens. This way she is not gettting permission from you to go out and have sex this early and she will know that you still wish she will wait untill she is older. But at the same time you have protected her the best you can from having a child too early or getting an STD that she will regret later down the road.

I myself have 3 girls and my oldest is now 11, so I know that my turn with this sinsitive issue is coming up and this is how I plan to handle the situation. I only hope that my daughter will come to me as your daughter has when her time comes. That at least shows maturity in your daughter.

Good luck and I hope everything turns out right for you and your daughter what ever that may be.

Thanks,

T.

The best part of this is that your daughter actually talked to you about it and you are smart enough to know that it would be naive to think she will wait or that you can watch her 24/7 to make sure she makes the right choices. And although we would like to protect them and help them not make the poor choices that we did...she is going to start making her own choices and all we can do is try to protect them the best we can from permemantly ruining their lives from some of those choices. Birth Control is a way to protect her from permenantly altering her life with a bad choice, although you will hear that it is also condoning her to have sex. You seem to have a good relationship- so talk with her, make this decission together.

I would put her on BC as soon as possible. Then make sure she receives all the information on STD's and the risk of pregnancy even with the birth control. I do not believe that most 15 or even 18 year olds for that matter are responsible enough to take a pill everyday, so I would research other BC options. You may also want to get the HPV vaccine for her (if you haven't already). My belief on sex before marriage is that is not a good idea, but we have to prepare and protect our children from disease and life changing mistakes. She is fortunate to have such an open minded mother and it will benefit her in the long run.

I have an open line of communication with my oldest daughter in respect to her sexual activity and have given her as much information as I could from a varity of sources. It seems to sink in easier coming from many places than just one, even if it is me. I have to say that hands on experience has turned out to be the most invaluable too yet. I have a grand neice that spent some time around us at a very early age so her mommy and daddy could take in a movie or go out to eat. During those visits, I had my oldest do as much as possible with her and all that we know comes along...constant crying (colic), changing tiny diapers before the baby's learned to stay still and everything in between. It was a great tool to show the consequences of being in the 1% that the birthcontrol failed on. This and lots of talking led her and her girlfriends to decide to wear chastity rings, a symbol of celebracy that goes along with a vow to wait until a more appropriate time in their lives to have sex. I thinks she really liked this because it took the pressure off her from her peers, her boyfriend likes the idea that it takes the peer pressure off him as well. At least in their group, God has more authority and I'm using whatever tactics I can!

PLEASE put her on the pill or the 3 month shot.I am a mother of 6.I have 5 boys and one girl.The last two younger boys are 15 and 17.I have always had a very open relationship with all my children.I tell the boys to use protection even when the girl is on the pill because you don't know if they keep up with it or skip a day.I provide condoms for my boys because I try to tell them not to but in this day and age kids are going to do it anyway.I had also put my daughter on the pill when she came to me.I also had talked to her about abstaining.I feel when they come to you either they have tried it or got pretty close to trying it.I want my grandchildren made out of love not on a one night stand that may end up being neglected or abused. If your daughter were to have a baby she would be considered damaged goods and will have a hard time trying to find a husband.I urge you to get her some protection so she can finish high school,go to college and be a productive person in this world.I have seen first hand girls having babies young and them struggling in life to provide for there babies.I hope a young girl responds to this so she can tell you a first hand experience.
K.

I would say you have to let it be her choice. You can tell her that YOU would really prefer her to wait until she's older, but that you respect her reasons for making her choices. I would inform her of choices available for sexually active people, and then let her ask you if she chooses to possibly go forth with experimenting (that's really what it is at that age). And my opinion is - it's going to happen. I think moms and dads can hope all they want, but teenage hormones and curiosity will win out. And like it or not, I'm sure you would prefer her to not get pregnant for one, and to not contract any STD's secondly. Those would be a lot worse than her having sexual intercourse to begin with. And if she doesn't see you as being someone she can really talk to and trust with her thoughts and possible plans, then she could just take action on things - unprepared. Having sex as a teen isn't a horrible thing. Children just don't realize the emotional outcomes that may come with the physical experiences. I would discuss those with her as well. She should know that she will be giving away a special part of herself, and that the outcome may be enjoyable and knowledge-gaining, or it could be regretful and sad. And a lot of that will depend on how her 'partner' deals with their relationship after the act so to speak. I guess overall I would say you're pretty much on target. You can' be naive when it comes to teenagers and their actions, and you seem like a pretty open-minded and intelligent mom who only wants the best for her daughter. Hope this helps. R.

If you want her to wait you should always stand by your guns. By putting her on birth control you are telling her it is ok with you that she is doing this. Would it be ok with you if she decided not to wait til she was 21 to drink and so you got her a fake id? People look at sex to lightly these days. It is a thing that God intended for marriage and people that are old enough to be married. There is so much more attached to it than,"hmm I think I wanna have sex now." Having sex is saying that you are ok at anytime to become a parent. That is the risk no matter what method of protection is used. So ask yourself this way. Is my daughter ready to be a mother? I don't think so.

I admire the fact that you and your daughter have that open communication. I hope to one day have that with mine. I know you've been a mom longer than me, and probably more expereinced, and I understand that you want to protect your daughter from pregnancy at such a young age, and I agree with educating our children about the consequences of their actions. But it is crazy to me to think that you're actually going to get birth control, which to me basically says "I wish you wouldn't do this...but here's some protection in case you do...just so you don't have to deal with the consequences of your actions." It's like telling your child not to get into the cookie jar, then turning around and saying "but they're up on the fridge and here's a step-stool to climb up on if you're going to disobey me, and here's some pepto bismo in case you get a tummy ache from all the cookies"
Why don't you educate her on all the resons why NOT to have sex until she's married. SEX AT 15 is just plain rediculous If you think she'll go and have sex anyways, then why don't you not allow her to be in situations where she has the opportunity. Maybe she'll get mad, maybe she'll resent you for a while...but one day she'll thank you for stepping up and being the parent.

Yes, yes, yes!

And don't let it be the pill. At 15, if she is going to have sex, she is going to have sex. Encourage her not to, but understand that she may or may not heed your advice. She opened the door and now you have to walk through it. A fifteen year old - no matter how grown up and responsible - is not to be depended on to remember to take her pill every day and it is not appropriate for you to be reminding her. She needs to be on Norplant (match-stick-like inserts that release hormones subdurally) or the depo injection.

I realize that this may sound harsh, but I teach high school and was APALLED at the vast number of pregnant girls we get every year. I don't know if they don't have all the information that they need or if they actually want to have children as young as they are, but you DO NOT want your daughter to have to deal with those kinds of challenges at 15/16.

Good luck with this.

~ J.

D., Your daughter being so open with you is wonderful! You have raised a smart girl! That she felt comfortable coming to you for help before she starts to have sex shows that she is making the choice deliberately and with consideration.

What to do now? Get her some serious sex education. As a sex educator for teenagers, I generally do not recommend birth control. If she wants to get on it, certainly help her with that. But rather than advocating birth control, I push condoms as hard as I can. In addition to effective birth control, they protect against STDs as well.

And keep those lines of communication open! I write a blog for parents about adolescent sexuality, and I have a post that gives ten ways to keep those lines of communication open. You can read it here:
http://karenrayne.com/2007/09/17/how-to-gut-it-outa-top-t...

I also have a list of ten things teenagers need to do before they have sex with someone. Your daughter might find it interesting. You can read that here:
http://karenrayne.com/2007/09/28/top-ten-things-to-do-bef...

May your relationship with your daughter continue as honestly and openly as possible!

K.

One thing my Mom said to me that had a very big impact on me when I was your daughter's age is that it will be very easy for a man to find a woman who has been with other men. But the one who has saved herself for marriage will be a rare and treasured find. Somehow that made me realize how special sex between a man and woman truly is and I waited until I got married and am so glad I did. I realize now, at 28, that I wasn't emotionally ready to enter into a sexual relationship until marriage. I think you have started a wonderful thing by having an open dialogue with your daughter about all sensitive subjects. Keep that up and I'm sure the two of you will find the right answer together, whether birth control or abstinance is the decision.

This is not the first time I have heard of this. Perhaps this generation is turning back to the morality of the past---that is fantastic!! We were brought up that sex is for married people. (according to Old and New Testament, if you believe the Bible) What a refreshing thought to hear that more teens now are realizing that sex is not for recreation, or a physical need that must be expressed outside of marriage. With that great attitude, she'll never have venereal disease, or a child out of wedlock and she'll be dating guys who will like her for WHO she is, not as a sex object. Wow, I am so impressed with your daughter!! Way to go!!

I think you should continue your open and honest policy with her. Explain the consequences and feelings that can or will happen. It is so much more rare for kids to be high school sweethearts, the person that she gives this first piece of herself to, most likely won't be the one she lives with forever.Give her all the knowledge about birth control and make those decisions together.

Discovery channel.com used to have a great birth video and it was on an educational level but it shows what happens to your body and such. Explain to her that just because she is on birth control she wouldn't be protected from other diseases. Just pack her full of all the knowledge you can, give her moral advice based on your decisions (I wish I had waited, my mom never really talked to me, our faith believes..e.tc...) and after all that...that is the best you can do. Check out planned parenthood, I imagine they might offer some counseling but I think it might be a good place to go just because they deal with this a lot. If you decide to put her on birth control, buy her condoms as well. Get her a discreet container to put them in to carry in her purse.

At that point you have armed her, and it will be up to her to make her decisions. I think you did well by not freaking out. Kids can find places to have sex, be it they are dating in groups, home by 9, or whatever the circumstance. I think it is good that you aren't being so naive to believe if you tell her no, she won't do it.

Good luck!

I think that young girls do start having sex early, at 15, I did, and now when I look back, I think I was way too young. I am 29 now. I wouldn't have been able to handle any of the consequences that come with it, and it wasn't even enjoyable. I did it bc I was curious, and I did want to, but once you do it, the boy will expect it all of the time. I think that putting her on birth control is the responsible thing to do, but also tell her about the consequences of having sex. I know that she will already know the obvious ones like getting pregnant, and STD's, but the regret part of it she might not be thinking about. Also, holding herself up to a high standard and knowing that she is worth waiting for.

it's wonderful that you can talk to your daughter. birth control would be preferrable to teen pregnancy

you are a great mom to be so open and willing to discuss difficult subjects with your kids. and to know your daughter will come to you is wonderful! it's a very scary time to have teenagers today, but you have to be sure you don't stick your head in the sand and pretend it won't happen. talk to your daughter about the importance of being true to herself and to recognize what a huge responsibility she has of protecting herself. sex these days can be a life & death proposition, not to mention the emotional side of it. i had a similar situation with my daughter when she turned 15 and i made an appt. with the ob/gyn to have her checked out and put on the pill. the pill was also a great medication in relieving horrible menstrual cramps. i then went to the drug store and purchased condoms for her bathroom and put them in the bottom drawer. we had many conversations about the importance of Not having sex because of the emotional side of it, but that i knew i had raised her to be an intelligent and informed young woman. i encouraged her to wait and then wait some more, but i was happy to know she was extremely safe when she did choose to engage. i wasn't thrilled, but i was very glad to know i had given her proper tools to go into this portion of her life path and that she knew the importance of being "safe" and not use poor judgement. good luck, and keep talking to her...you are great!

She was too young to have a boyfriend at 14. She's too young to be on birth control at 15. She shouldn't be having sex. Those are a boy's hormone's that are telling you she wants to have sex. They can be very persuasive. If she is headstrong, independent and smart like you say she would say no to the boy who is pressuring her.
She needs to forget about sex and focus on her future. Her sexual appeal will not come around until she's much older. Good luck.

Check out the AIM for Success website. Google it, they are stationed in Dallas. We just had the author speak at our PTA meeting. It would be very helpful for your situation.

D.,
Getting pregnant could be the least of your worries. I would definitely discuss that as a real possibility even if she uses birth control(young kids don't always use things correctly.) But I would also discuss every venereal disease out there. I would tell her everything about htose diseases and even show her pictures. The less partners you have in life, the less chance for contracting these diseases. The longer you wait for sex, the less partners you will have. Eating a huge waffle cone of your favorite ice cream with your favorite mixing can be just as or even more satisfying than sex outside of marriage. I'd take my daughter to Marble slab at the end of our conversation.

I don't have teenagers, but I vividly remember the sex issue from high school. I did not have sex in high school, and my parents used a similar approach as you. They were always honest and not judgemental, but they did tell me they thought sex was not something that was meant for high school age kids. They never preached abstinence until marriage, and I realize that issue is heavily related to religion so that is a personal decision you would have to make.

My parents were a big reason I did not have sex, but seeing how it affected my friends who were sexually active also influenced me in a big way! The girls who were doing that seemed less confident and less independent to me. I knew one girl who thought that's what it took to keep a boyfriend, and she always had a different boyfriend, hmmm? Another close friend was totally obsessed with her boyfriend and could not do anything without him. I did not want to be that way. I liked having my friends and I liked not feeling obligated to do something I wasn't ready to do.

Your daughter sounds incredibly mature and the fact that she was brave enough to admit that she considered having sex to you speaks volumes about her. I think, however, if my parents had offered birth control to me in high school I might have seen it as an invitation. I think she is probably not having sex, but maybe this is a good opportunity to have a long conversation about the risks.

It's not just pregnancy...and unfortunately a lot of kids think that's all they have to worry about. If she cannot talk to her partner about std's and pregnancy, then she is not ready to have sex. I don't think there are many 15-year-olds who would be comfortable talking to their boyfriend about that stuff. If you do a simple internet search you can find all kinds of crazy stats about std's. I am not suggesting to scare her, but I learned a lot of eye-opening information when I took health in college. There are some diseases that can affect your fertility and have NO symptoms! So one decision could affect a big part of your life down the road.

It sounds like you are realistic and responsible with her. That is really all you can offer. Keep her informed and she will make her own decision. She sounds smart to me, and I think she will make the right choice because that is what you have taught her.

BTW...Did you happen to ask why she and her ex broke it off? Is it possible sex had something to do with it? Maybe she stood her ground, and he reacted badly to her assertiveness. Maybe this is why the subject came up.

that is great that your daughter has a good head on her shoulder and decide not to have sex until she gets married. But birth control and pregnancy is not your only problem. You will also have to teach her about STD's and HIV. And if you do not know anything about them, you should learn to. Most STD's can be treated, Herpes last for a lifetime, HIV can be deadly. There are only 4 ways to get HIV. Learn about them, teach your daughter. Go together and learn about it, she is old enough.

Hummm..that's a tough subject for any parent. I myself have a 10yr old daughter and dreading the day that I know will be here sooner than later. I've thought about it and I've decided that when the time comes I will be open and very clear about the topic. We all know they hear different things from other people and at school. I think you've done a wonderful job where your daughter feels safe and comfortable enough to ask for your advice. I applaud you! Communication is key.I would take her to a family planning clinic so she is aware of ALL the responsibilities that come along with having SEX. Not only getting pregnant and having to care for another life, but STD, AIDS etc. Then I would ask her a few simple questions. For example Are you willing to put your life in someone elses hands? Can you trust him to be there for you IF something were to happen? I know we all would prefer our kids to wait both BOYS and GIRLS however the truth of the matter is we cannot be with them 24/7 and essentially the choice will be their's hopefully we have instilled enough morals in them to wait, IF NOT hopefully they will take heed in what they have been thought and be protected and cautious.GOOD LUCK!!!

Tough question. First, talk to your daughter. When she decides to have sex, make certain she understands how important it is to use birth control. Stress to her that even if she were on birth control, that it is not 100% effective. I know of so many people who did not have planned pregnancies, married or not. One of my fried's mother had four children--all of them from birth control methods that failed--one was surgery! Encourage your daughter to wait to have sex. If she has an unplanned pregnancy, she will have all negative choices to choose from. She is too young to have sex and too young to date. There is pressure from the media and Hollywood to turn against your good judgement and values, but stick to your guns. Being successful and smart is not going along with the crowd, but standing firm on what you believe in. There are many wonderful churches and Youth Groups that she could join. They are not just for geeks! You are her advocate, and it is important to steer her into the right friendship circles and the right crowd. When you have sex just for physical pleasure and it is not in a committed relationship, it takes a piece of your soul away. It is psychologically devastating for young girls especially, to have sex when they are not emotionally or spiritually ready.

Yes, put her on it!! She is testing you, she probl. has had sex already and was seeing your reaction to the "I considered doing it" senario. Is she responsible enough to remember the pill everyday? If not you will have to regulate it. Believe me, my husband's sister ended up pregnant at 16 but started having sex at 15. Her son is a total monster because she was too young and stupid to raise him properly. Not that I believe all kids of teen moms end up this way, but I am just saying what could happen. Good luck!!

Start out reading Every Young Woman's Battle, by Shannon Ethridge & Stephen Arterburn. As you two are so close you can read it together.

Next read Pure Excitement, A Godly Look At Sex, Love & Dating, by Joe White. Pure Excitement is a Focus on the Family Resource Published by Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. www.family.org I took my son and his friend to a Pure Excitement concert at Chap Center and Joe White was the guest speaker,when he was in the 9th grade and it really drove home the reality of saving yourself for marriage.
On second thought as in her adolesent mind she thinks she may be ready for sex...the two of you ought to read "Every Young Mans Battle". Girls give sex to get love, boys give love to get sex. Men and women are different. Maybe she needs to see how the guys view it first. It's a REAL eye opener and maybe she will reconsider her thoughts and feelings when she is armed with truth.

I love the fact that you and your daughter can talk to each other. That is the most important thing. Talk, Talk. But, in a way that is not too judgemental. Discuss sex. Discuss all the options and precautions. Tell her you love her and how you feal about having sex before marriage etc. But, she is the one that will be making the final decission. Let her know that you will always be there for her.

It really sounds like you have a great relationship with your daughter! I would ask her what ideas brought her to the conclusion that she might be ready for sex. I wonder what caused the break-up between her and her ex-boyfriend. Did he initiate the break-up, or did she initiate it? What was it over? How much time elapsed between her break up and when she came to you with this idea? I have a sneaking suspicion that he might have been wanting to have sex, and she said no. If he dumped her for that, then she didn't lose much! I would say hooray for her for standing firm in her convictions. She wasn't losing out if that was the case. If she initiated the break up because he wanted sex, and she is second-guessing herself, then she shouldn't.
A lot of girls who decide to have sex as teenagers have poor self-esteem issues (of course, kids also experiment). It doesn't seem like you are contibuting to poor self-esteem, because you sound like you and your daughter have a very open relationship. If she is able to come to you and be open, then you are not contibuting to any possible poor self-esteem issues.
The self-esteem issues that could be a possibility for her are her peer-influences. There is a lot of peer pressure out there. If a girl doesn't have sex, the boy(s) tell her she's a tease or a prude. If she does have sex they call her easy, and girls who get a reputation lose a lot of female friends. Those same girls end up in a cycle of bad sex choices because their only friends seem to be male.
It seems like there isn't an easy way out of being judged one way or the other. The people she should really worry about judging her are her parents and others who she is really important to, not some kids that won't remember her a couple decades later (and if they do remember her, hopefully she inspired them to be better people by holding strong to their convictions).
I, personally, think that it is better not to have sex, because they can never call her easy that way. Also, the right boys are more attracted to the "tease" or "prude", because they know that she is holding on to that part of her for that one special person (and not several "special" people). I know that this can be an issue, as well, since you and her father are divorced, but it's a thought that needs to be mentioned. I will have that same factor to discuss with my children because I got divorced (and also didn't lead by the greatest example).
Maybe she should read the responses that others have contributed to your request. This might help her realize how many people are on your side in helping her make the right decision. It will also help her see how other's have been affected by this issue.
I echo what a lot of people have said about STDs. Pills only keep pregnancy at bay (and there has to be other protection in place during a cold when antibiotics are being taken - - I didn't know that until I was in my early 20s - - scary thought!). Contrary to what some might think, condoms don't necessarily protect against HIV and AIDS. The virus is very small, and can possibly go through a condom. Also, condoms can break. I wouldn't want to rely on a condom to keep me from contracting HIV or AIDS. That's like relying on the dam in Louisiana to keep from breaking during Katrina. It broke, and so can condoms. There may also be tears or holes, that might have formed in a condom, that could be invisible to the naked eye.
I know some people aren't going to like what I have to say next, but I feel that it needs to be said. The one ultimate "person" that she has to answer to in her decisions is her maker. Her choices not only affect her life, but can either inspire or cause stumbling blocks for others in her life. I am, by no means, trying to stand on my soap box here. I made so many bad choices as a teenager, especially within the subject of sex. I grew up with a very poor self-esteem, and let that guide a lot of my choices. I wasn't really aware that I had a higher purpose: to inspire others to greatness and not be stumbling blocks in their choices.
I, like you, have decided to do my best to raise my children in a very open relationship - - where they can come to me with anything. I also think that I had a lot missing in my relationship with my parents. I wished they had showed me their Christian walk more, and how it guided their right decisions, so that I had another point to ponder when making choices. I think it helps to know that we're here for a purpose, and not aimlessly going about life.
It also helps to know that there is an extra person on our "team": Jesus. Even if she had already decided to have sex with her ex-boyfriend, he is there to help her pick up the broken pieces, but also help her make right choices in the future.
If she feels "small" up against her peers, when standing firm to her convictions, she can always stop and count how many people are on her side. If she is still a virgin, and feels lonely in that "box", I am also wondering if there might be a group she could join that shares those same convictions. It helps for a teenager to feel like she belongs to a group. We all know that she has her family. Teenagers, though, are at a point where they might be trying to break away from that family a little bit. Knowing where to go outside the family, and still have great people on their team, is a great resource for a teenager. I know a lot of high schools have groups that are dedicated to being virgins. There are also some great youth groups in churches. Let her know that there are so many people on her side. It looks like she definitely knows that about you, but it always helps to make sure that she continues to be aware that you're on her side!

That is great that she felt confident enough to mention it and you are very smart to help her be safe. I was a very shy, straigh A student, and very responsible, but I became active at an early age anyway. I would take her to a gyn appt (this will make it seem like a more serious decision to her as well as getting a check up) and get her on birth control. Also get her condoms...the boys can not be counted on to have them! My mom used to leave some under her bathroom sink so that I had access to them but didn't have to ask her for them. Sounds like you have done a great job with her.

Some people say that if you put your kids on birth control that it is just saying its ok to have sex now. My personal opinion about this is, I would rather give my kids the condoms (i have 2 boys), or pills or whatever it is when they tell me they are ready to have sex, I mean if you really sit there and think about it, kids do things anyway, no matter what we say or do (I know bc i was one of those kids), so i would rather give them to them to know that if they did decide to go ahead and have sex at least they would have the protection then nothing, now i know that it doest protect you from everything and not always, and i wouldnt just hand them to them and just say there you go, just in case, i would sit down with them and have a long serious talk, and go by the local planned parenthood, get booklets ect., to show them what could happen, my mom didnt do this with me and we had an open line of communication also, i am just glad that i was smart enough to tell them no condom no sex, and thankfully i never got anything or preg. before i was married, and if it is really serious, some places have a baby you could rent (not sure how much it is) but it is just like a real one, you have to feed, rock, change and it cries for no reason just like our real babies do at times, and just let her have it for a week, and tell her these are the consequences there are for haveing sex before you are married and truely ready. I hope this helps you out at least with some ideas, Good Luck!!

don't tell her not to, it will make her do it faster. teenage girls are so rebellious. Instead talk to her about how sex is so much better when you really love someone. its not just sex when you are in love. boys at that age are gonna come and go. she doesn't want to be used. yes, it will giver her the much wanted attention from the young boys when they find out she will do it, but its the wrong kind of attention. remind her that boys talk as much as girls do. even if they say they won't tell they will. they will tell all of their friends and she will look like slut..teachers and her girl friends will also look at her differently. there was only one virgin to graduate with my senior class,and everyone knew who the sluts were..

No, your not being judgemental. I wont tell you what you should do because you know your daughter better than me but I will say it sounds like your being a little too wishy washy with her. Your the mother and she needs and wants you to tell her absolutley NO. She is way too young and as far as the birth control, thats just giving her a pass to do this (thats what she will think). What about STD's and just as important what will this do to her self-esteem and how she feels about herself if she gets involved in meaningless sex(which its all meaningless in your teens). Chances are in ten years she will be asking you why you let her do that at only 15.
She needs boundaries and a LOT of love from you and especially Dad (which is her male role model).
I know its easier said than done but I have a 12 yr old girl and I have always been straight forward with her on my expectations of her and our family. She may not like you for not agreeing with her but she will love you forever for watching out for her.
Good Luck and stay strong!

D.,
I have read a few of the responses you have received and I would first like to comend you for being open and honest with your daughter. My mom and I have a very open relationship on everything but I still did not go to here when I thought about having sex...not because I did not think that I could I just didn't. So Congrats that you have a daughter that did come to you. Okay so on to my point. I think that talking to her about putting her on the pill is a great idea! People may judge you but who cares...teen pregnancy is so common that it is the norm now a days. So I think that as long as you talk to her about the basics like condoms, the pill, STD's and the emotional side she will be great. I would also like to say that even if she is on the pill at 15 that doesn't mean she wil go out and sleep with the whole school....speaking from experience...I started the pill when I was 16, met my husband at 17 and did not have sex till I was 18 and I am happy to say that he is the only pereson I have ever had sex with. I knew my mom wanted me to wait but at least I was prepared when I did decide to. Look at us now...together 14 years married 7 and we have 4 wonderful kids all conceived after we got married! I wish you good luck!!!!!
J.

Although many of the posts have been concerned with STDs and pregnancy, I would have to say my biggest concern would be the emotional consequences of her choices. As her mother all you can do is try to prepare her the best you can, and make sure she realizes what comes with being sexual active at such a young age. I am only 24 so I am not really speaking with the motherly experience, but more from the point of view from someone who remembers when all her friends were having sex while I chose not to. Please stress to her that every choice we make changes who we are, whether for the better or worse. So she is going to make her own decisions, but let her know that they have consequences...and no pregnancy and STDs are not the only ones. I did not wait untill I was married, but I did not have sex in high school or even through most of college. I knew I was not ready and that honestly came from all the wonderful advice my mother gave me about teenage hormones and emotion :). The fact is girls are not ready physically or emotionally to have sex at 15, and boys at 15 dont really care about much more than the pleasure. There are so many more important things to worry about at that age! Tell her not to rush into anything cause there is NO going back!
Good luck! My husband and I are not looking forward to the day we have to deal with this stuff with our daughter..if only they could just stay little forever :)

Wow, that must have really freaked you out! You know because you have always been very honest with your daughter now may be a good time to tell her the truth about how bad teen sex can be. I had sex as a teen and of course because myself and the young man were still imature it was just a painful, akward decision that could have had devastating circumstances. You know she probably has a romanticized view of sex from TV and movies, they paint it out to be so easy and perfect and it could be a real let down. Young men and women don't typically understand that sex is about giving and not taking and about an intimate connection not just a physical connection. Young men in particular take some time to realize they should make sure that their partner is satisfied. I think talking to her about these things and letting her know that you want her sexual experience to be a wonderful one might help. As for birth control, I don't think it is a good idea. It could give her an idea that she is safe and while it can prevent pregnancy it does nothing for STDs. She could contract something more serious than pregnancy by assuming that she is safe and knows her partner. There is also a strong link between teen sex and cervical cancer and Guardasil doesn't vaccinate against all forms of cervical cancer. Having said all this I believe your best be would be to tell her that while her emmotions are saying it is time for sex, her body needs some time to catch up. Having had really bad teen sex and now many years later being married I found out that my mama was right, waiting until marriage was the way to go! She might think you are bit lame if you tell her that waiting is better for her mentally, physically, and spirtually but in the long run she will thank you. I did make a couple of nutty choices but having my mom as a rock I could run to for the truth helped me not get lost in a life of promiscuity and all of it's negative consequences. You sound like a great mom and I know you will do what is best for your daughter!

I guess be open with your daughter about having sex, how it can hurt and how the she will always remember the person she gives her virginity too. Also make sure she respects herself enough to use condoms because there are some diseases that keep giving and people don't look at herpes as something you got while just having some fun usually. It's hard not to be preachy, but if she thinks she's READY, there's not much you can do.

I was the same age when I brought this topic up with my mother. I wasn't "ready", but I wanted to be. I knew that I wanted my first time to be special without guilt or fear (of getting pregnant or STD's). The best advice she gave me was that whomever I chose to share my first time with...I would be connected to forever. This was something I could never take back, change or alter no matter how it turned out. Just like your first kiss, you never forget who, where or how it happened. She still tells me how shocked she was that I brought up the topic at 15, but she too was glad that we had such a great relationship. She gave me all the information and ultimately the tools (the pill and condoms) to make my first time special.

I ultimately chose to wait until I was 17 because I knew someday my daughter would ask me how old I was when I first had sex and I didn't want to say 15 or 16. But it was because my mother gave me such great advice and the freedom to make my own decisions that I led me to wait.

Hope this helps. Tell your daughter to pick a man that will always respect her and love her to the best of his abilities. I never had any regrets, and still think of the guy I chose fondly.

I was 18 when I had my first child. I started early in life and never felt like I could talk to my parents. I asked my doctor in a round about way for birth control once I turned 18 but he didn't feel I needed it for my already clear skin! I eventually got married to my HS sweetheart and we now have 2 children but things don't always work out that way. I would take advantage of the fact that your daughter is willing to talk to you about these things. I recommend birth control but I also feel that's not the only answer, the communication still has to be there. I would communicate your feelings about the situation and talk about the meaning of sex as well as things that can happen as a result. The more open you are with one another the better. ~C.

First of all having sex before marriage is wrong at so many levels. The bible says it is wrong and it's not just cause it's a no no. A 15 year old "child", yes child is not ready for the consequences of sex. I don't care how many women try to be liberated and think they can jump from bed to bed like a man says he can, sex does affect you emotionally. Is she ready to make a lifelong commitment to the guy she sleeps with? If not, what about the next guy, or the next guy? If she decides to sleep around at this age, what about when she is truly ready for a serious relationship? How many guys prefer women to love and respect that have random sex and who knows how many she would or could have slept with by that time. That being said, what if she sleeps with someone with an STD, even AIDS - happens all the time. What if she gets pregnant? Is she ready to commit her entire life to a child because children are selfish and parents give up a lot for children. In fact the decision to have sex is selfish on her part. She just wants it for her own pleasure despite the possibility of bringing a child she is not ready to care for into the world as so many teens do. My kids were raised in the church and my step daughter decided to sleep with a guy at 16 even though she knew better. Now you'd think she could have made a better decision. She had boyfriends, but did she sleep with them? No. She chose some loser that was homeless and staying in a hotel. Neither her father, nor I knew she had done this. My son left us an anonymous note. Turns out she went with this guy to his hotel room a few times. One occasion he flipped out and kept her prisoner in the room and proceeded to punch the walls and stuff. She was terrified because she had never experienced anything like this. She finally confessed to me what she had done. First thing I did was take her to the doctor. I wasn't easy on her because it was a foolish decision. I said I hope you don't have AIDS or an STD (unprotected sex even more foolish but that shows the level of maturity and even adults do that). She was scared to have an OB-GYN exam even. The next day we got the results that she did indeed have an STD. She heard me talking to the doctor on the phone and before I could explain it to her, she flipped out hysterically running to her room. She assumed it was AIDS. Fortunately it was a curable STD and she had to take a major amount of antibiotics that made her very sick.

Now you think she would have learned from this, but no, she did mature and end up in the Coast Guard at 18 years old. A guy she formerly dated that she broke up with because he was too "needy" went to visit her where she was stationed. He decided to move in with her. She had again unprotected sex and she got pregnant. Now she has a sweet little girl that is 15 months old and she's married to this guy. She is currently in counseling, which he refuses to go to, because her marriage is terrible. This guy appeared to be a good guy, I liked him. He calls her horrible names, tells her he hates her and that he resents that he married her and that they had a child. He loves his daughter and is good to her although he barely takes care of her and all the responsibility falls on her which is exhausting but he has grown to hate his wife because he feels trapped. I don't see this marriage lasting and this will be yet another child of divorce. I tell them all the time, this is why you don't have sex outside of marriage and especially unprotected sex. It is a very selfish act.

Is your daughter ready for this?

D.,
How are you?
I can understand your concerns and shock when your daughter brought up the topic about being ready for sex.
My name is H. and I have a 14 year old daughter. She hasn't mentioned being ready for sex but she has talked about her desires to have a boyfriend. Her father and I are so afraid to allow her to date because we feel that will lead to more and I know she's not ready for that.
It's hard to tell you what you should do in a situation like yours. Do you lock her up and throw away the key? Do you put her on birth control? Do you just out right tell her, "No, this is not happening"? Which ever response you give could have it's pros and cons.
What I would suggest is to keep the line of communication open with your daughter. Let her know your opinion and feelings toward her decision to be sexually active. Also, give her the pros and cons (STD's, unwanted pregnancies, the emotional effects that comes with being intimate etc). As we both know, waiting is the best decision and we can hope that will be her final decision in the end.

Sincerely,
H.

If you daughter is asking then she is bound to find answers that may or may not be true. Since you two have an open relationship, based on her maturity level I would be open and tell her as much as I think she could understand on her level. I didn't notice anywhere in your writings that you believed in procreation but I would also explain to her that God made man and woman after his liking and wants us to treasure our bodies. We are to keep them sacred and only for our mates for life. Even though she may think that she is ready to partake of sex there are consequences to this activity such as diseases, unwanted pregnancies, and on her level peer pressure because after agreeing to sex with that little boy there is no more privacy or sacred covenant left for marriage. I don't know why we are not teaching our daughters about the beautifulness of abstinence and enjoying their young life. I think the girl needs to be involved in a Christian's girl group that will help her to develop moral and respect for herself. Who knows since she is as you stated a very smart and head strong person she might be able to help sway her friend in to doing the right thing about becoming a young lady with the utmost respect.

D.,
Now that your daughter has come to you about not waiting to have sex until she is married, do not assume that she is saying she is ready for sex. She may be contimplating to someday have sex, maybe tomorrow, maybe next year, maybe she would like to get more of the scoop on what she should be gearing herself for in relationships.

It is great that you let her come to you in open nonjudgemental conversation, but from what I read, I did not hear her state or imply that she was ready to be sexually active.

Perhaps her quest for sex is a masked quest for new forms of intimacy. Maybe instead of putting her on birth control right away, give her permission to date alone. Teach her to continue to be smart by waiting until she is comfortable with the idea of sex, her desire for sex and her relationship with him.

Why did she and her ex boyfriend break up? Was he pressuring her for sex and she doesnt want to lose another boyfriend becasue she doesnt put out?

Is she looking for someone she enjoys being with and has a great connection when they are dating that she would like to express their connection through intimacy?

Give her other modes of expressing intimacy as well. Dancing, laughing, biking, exploring new angles of the world with someone who you are dating.

We women often forget that we sometimes need alot to be happy and we deserve every bit of happiness we demand. We give into too easily the idea that we must keep our man happy to consider ourselves worthy of their time and effort in the relationship.

Great work on the communication, keep it open to all angles of possible messages.
M.

I would continue to have open conversation with her about it and try to find out why she feels she is ready. Express the magnitude of taking a step like that and the very real consequences. The reality is she is going to do what she's going to do and you can only protect her by giving her the tools she will need to protect herself, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. If you feel that means birth control, be very sure to include condoms and how they are used and a supply of her own in addition to anything else. If she's going to be sexually active she needs to be responsible for herself and not leave that to her guy. It's all such a heart-rending confusing mess isn't it? Good luck Mama - she's got a great mom looking out for her!! Wishing you the best!

Take her to the gynocologist or family doctor NOW. A female doctor is probably a good idea. Mine suggested that girls come in when they become sexually active or turn 18. She needs good information from a medical professional. You sound like a loving mom, and you should be honored that your daughter trusts you enough to tell you what she's thinking. I have 2 daughters, and we've been lucky enough to have similar relationships. Just keep communication open with her.
C. B

I have a 17 month old girl and am already dreading that day! First, I can tell that you are a really great mom since your daughter actually talks to you about sex! Congratulations! I would never have talked to my mother frankly about it. That said, my first time was at age 14 (I matured early as well) and while I was very educated about the dangers of STDs and pregnancy, no one ever talked about the emotional consequences of having a sexual relationship outside of marriage. Pregnancy & STDs can be prevented with a condom, but the emotional baggage left over from sharing such a deep intimacy before you are ready opens you up for a lot of hurt. I think you are smart to not be naive that she will wait (although it would be great if she did), but my only advice would be to talk to her about the reality of giving yourself so intimately to other person without the comfort of a truly committed relationship. Good luck! I'm sure you'll sense the right things to do and say.

I'd like to give you many kudos for approaching this subject in such a matter!!! You rock mom! So many parents forget what it's like to be a teenager, they don't know how to communicate to their teen. When this happens, parents believe that their way is not only the right way, but the ONLY way, and forget that teens have an opinion and a brain too.

If you've been confident in your communication with her thus far...why change? Talk to her about birth control. Show her the different types available and ask her if she feels she's ready for it. Keep up the lines of communication and guide her through this period of her life.

Once again, keep up the good work!!!

Brightest of Blessings,
K. L.

Sit down with her on the computer and do the research with her about becoming sexually active at such a young age, show her the facts... They are a bit scary however for me they were very effective- Girls who become sexually active before age 18 tend to attract infections and diseases at a higher rate, and pregnancy in teens under the age of 18 have a very high rate for birth defects, injury to their own body, even death for the mom or baby or both during birth... Just give her the facts, and if she still thinks that she is ready for these responsibilities then talk to her about different types of birth control, and the types of sex and when to say no, exspecially if she ever feels uncomfortable, maybe even having a security with you to call her and check to make sure she is ok... As a parent this is always scary and hard for us to accept but being open and talking about it regularly once she does becomes active is your only insight to what is happening in her life- feel lucky she has not shut you out as many girls do!

Good luck!

Although I can appreciate that you are asking moms with experience in this, I would suggest reading up on the subject and how best psychologically to address this subject. Why not do the scared straight approach and have her take care of an infant for a couple of nights, with your or the child's mother's supervision, of course, or rent one of those babies that has all the "bells and whistles" of a real baby! Condoms can break and women have gotten pregnant on the pill. Take her to an AIDS ward, to an AIDS halfway house. These may be naive on my part. I have a 7 and 8 year old, so I have no experience in this area. I am 42 years old and have friends who have already gone through this with their children. I know it is extremely tough. But do not be her friend right now - be her mother and it might require some tough love - try to scare her straight about this subject. I mean if it is inevitable and your gut tells you she will do it, then, of course, give her correct information about protecting herself. AND by the way, I was 15 when I first had sex 27 years ago and I took myself to the county health department and put myself on the pill. There's just something about a parent actually taking a child to do this that seems inappropriate at so many levels, like condoning the behavior. Kids nowadays have a ton more information about how to protect themselves than we did 27 years ago, that if she really wanted to have sex, she has information to protect herself. NOw I know you would want to MAKE SURE she does this, so as not to end up pregnant or dead of AIDS, but maybe there is something more to her confiding in you that she is ready to have sex. Something maybe others here can help you figure out.

My two are still too little to put me through this, but I dread it and applaud your courage. I remember having to go to my dad (my mom would have taken me straight to the nuns) and ask him for birth control. It was hard for me and for him, but he made me an appointment with an OBGYN and he ensured I was protected. The next week, I got my period and I remember telling my dad and he was so happy that I wasn't pregnant already. It was then that I realized how terrified he was for me. I wasn't much older than your daughter and I was with the boy that I later married and have been with for 12 years. But at the time, my dad didn't know that. Seven years ago, my husband's cousin called me, we are close, and told me she was pregnant by a boy she had been seeing for a month. She was 17. She had to move out of her home town and lived with us while we helped her through her pregnancy and worked with an adoption agency to place her child in a loving home. She is now married and has a 2-year-old, but her life was changed by that experience in ways we'll never really know. After seeing what our cousin went through, and her family - I never questioned whether my dad did the right thing or not. I'm not telling you what to do or even saying what happened to us will happen to you. I don't know what is right and wrong. I don't know what I'll do when my kids need me to make this decision. I think it's a very individual choice. I'm just so grateful that my dad did what he did.

If you have any friends or know of anyone that was/is a teenage mother, ler her talk to them. They are the only ones that can let her know exactly what life would be like. But if it does happen be supportive even tho you will probably be upset. I applaud you for having an open and honest relatinship with your daughter and hopefully with your son too. This world needs a lot more parents like you. Support your children and always talk to them. Yes, at some point they will rebel, we did. But beatings and screaming matches don't help. Good luck. M. g.

Hi D.,

Although I don't have a teenage daughter, I do remember what it was like to be 15 and want to have sex.
I think that you and your daughter handled the subject very well. She is comfortable enough to come to you, and be honest with you about her intentions and thoughts. (that is a really great thing) I think that you should discuss with her that modes of contraception she would like to try. A trip to the doctor and discussions on all the possible methods, risks and so forth. She seems very bright and capable of making an informed decision.
I myself started on birth control when I was 15, and everything worked well. However, being a little older and wiser, I don't know if I would have don the same thing, given the chance again. I am a little wary of hormone manipulation at such a young and critical age of development. The "pill" is an amazing invention, and works to almost perfection, but 15 is still a very young age for the body. Maybe she will be responsible enough to want to use other, non-hormonal methods?
I think that the initial shock would have taken me back too, I guess you just never expect your child to say "I'm ready for Sex"!
But I think that is is better to know what is going on in her life, than not.

Good luck, it sounds like you and your daughter are in a good place, and everything will work out.

M.