Teen Asking for the Pill

I have my 17 year old niece that lives me too. We put her on the pill about 6 months ago. She also has a boyfriend..etc, but she was having horrible cramps. It has helped. I thought the same as you and thought it may give her a green light to have sex, but atleast I won't have to worry about her getting pregnant. She and I have a good relationship and I think she would tell me if she was thinking about it. I also remind her that the pill doesn't protect from STD's. It has worked for us. It's a hard decision - good luck.

Put her on the pill. Better to be safe than sorry, and ask her doctor to provide education on the extra risks associated with teen pregnancy and STDs while you're doing the office visit.

I would honor her request and put her on the pill. Better to have her on the pill than get pregnant because you worried too much if she was "going" to have sex.

I would take her to an OB/GYN for an exam and let him talk to her. He'll know whether or not it's just to regulate her periods. If she's having trouble with her periods, she should go to a doctor anyway. My pediatrician sent me to an OB/GYN when I was twelve because of my periods. I went on the pill then, for 3 months and that did the trick. If it's for regulating periods, you don't have to be on it forever. This has happened 3 other times during my life and the 3 month regimen does the trick... for years.

Because of how they act in public, I'm sure that her periods aren't the real reason. If they are so 'touchy feely' in public, how must they act in private? I'm sure a visit to an OB/GYN would do a lot. I just took my daughter for her pre-marital exam. He talked and talked with her, it being her first exam. She wanted me in the room with her, so I heard all he said. He/she can tell you niece all the repercussions of hormonal interventions and STDs... the whole thing. It might be a case of 'scared straight'. I know my daughter, if she weren't getting married, would never have sex after the talk and the exam. In fact she called her fiance and told him they were never having sex. :o) Of course, she was kidding, because they will be married. But this doctor was wonderful. If you need his name and live in the St. Louis area, email me. Are you involved in a church? The youth programs at our church really have made a difference in a lot of the kids. Many sport rings that tell of their promise to wait until marriage. Another daughter, just celebrated her 8th anniversary. On her wedding night, she presented her husband with a card that she'd signed in youth group, pledging to wait until marriage. That was her gift to him. Good luck. This is just one more time when you wonder, "Why don't kids come with instruction books?"

This is so difficult. I was a "good girl" and never thought I would have sex before I got married, but when I was 17 and in love, and we were talking about getting married, and hormones were raging, etc., etc., it happened. I felt like if I went on the pill or we bought condoms, we would be admitting we were planning to have sex again. So we didn't do either and of course we ended up having sex again, and every time we did, I not only felt guilty about the act itself, I was paranoid I would get pregnant. (SOOO dumb on so many levels; thank goodness I'm not that insecure teen anymore!) That said, I trusted my boyfriend, didn't think he was cheating on me and I was really lucky; never got pregnant or any STDs. Things are so different now, though. So many kids are experimenting with sexual acts that aren't traditional intercourse, and they don't think of it as sex. All that to say, that I think it's important to let her know that if she is on the pill (only for cramps) not to think of it as complete protection. It's not safe from STDs, and even condoms won't protect against all of those. But the biggest thing of all that it won't protect, is your heart and character. Yes, some high school sweethearts get married and live happily ever after, but we didn't. And once you've gone down that path of being sexual active, it's rare to have another relationship that doesn't end up there. And if you have been raised with the morals that it's not ok to have sex before marriage, or when you are that young, or whatever, the guilt is overwhelming. It's something you never get over. I'm dreading the time when our little girl is at that point in her life because all you can really do is hope and pray that they make better choices. GOOD LUCK!

Sit down with her and just start asking about her relationship with this boyfriend, what he is like, what they like to do, what the relationship is like, what she likes and dislikes about him, what she thinks about their future, if she trusts him, etc. Find out if he respects her, and cares for her enough to protect her sacred virginity. Talk with her about the sacredness of her virginity, and that no boy is worth losing it over, unless he loves her enough to marry her. There are reasons why Our Creator commanded us to wait until marriage. Raising children is hard and takes maturity. Is this guy mature? Does she understand sexual boundaries with him, how to say STOP and mean it? How to stop early enough in the kissing stage and how to restrain from certain types of touching that lead to full blown sex? That it's okay to stop him, necessary to stop him, and tell her how and when. If he rejects her over it, this will tell her alot over what type of guy he is? Does she understand that once she has been intimate, it changes the relationship, that she may feel violated, because there is no permanence to this relationship?? She also may feel bound to him because of the intimacy, and if so, it may not be a healthy relationship and better to get out?? Is she ready for all of that?? Please, talk her thru this. I so wish I would have had someone guide me in these matters when I was her age!! I didn't want to have sex at all, I treasured my innocence, but I loved having boyfriends and kissing, did not know how set boundaries or to say no. I was nearly raped several times. These experiences shattered me, and I was so glad I did not succomb to complete intimacy with those creeps. I had enough hardship with teenage hormones, mood swings and thoughts of suicide. Teens have too much pressure on them to have sex, and they are not mature enough to handle it internally. Please protect her from this roller coaster! Her desire to be on the pill has nothing to do with regulating her periods. If she plans to continue her chastity, she would have no interest to regulate them. It is normal for a teen to have irregular periods until they get older. This is all about her boundaries with this boyfriend. Teach her how to choose a good mate. These are life lessons that all adults should be teaching teens, and too few take the time or care to do it. It's too easy for adults to throw pills at them, then tell them "not to do it". I know the world is so immersed in sexuality that many think this is a crazy mentality, but I hear from teens myself that they are sick of adults thinking they have no strength or ability to have self control. We owe them more respect than that. We owe them a chance to learn skills to protect their own self, and to preserve their own "self respect"! It empowers them, makes them proud of themself.

You have been given a great opportunity to help her. I will pray for you to have the guidance and strength to guide her thru this very special time in her life when she is discovering her own sexuality, and her own self image. It is precious! Good luck!

Hi R.,

Let's see where should I start.....
I had a boyfriend that we were inseperable, if we weren't together we were on the phone, we were like peas and carrots. I met him in June of 1990, the subject of sex didn't come up until the following August, (oh I should add I was 15) so I went to my mom (she said we could talk about anything) and told her that we hadn't had sex yet BUT at somepoint it may happen. I told her I wanted to go on the pill and she told me NO that if she would allow me to do that it would give me permission to have sex and that was the end of the discussion. So in January of 1992 our son was born, I was 16 and my boyfriend was 16.

So lets fast forward now I'm 32 yrs old with the same boyfriend now husband have been together for 18 years in June and married for 11 on the 24th of this month and we have 4 children total 16 yrs, 7 yrs, 4 yrs, and 18 months. Not all situations end like mine have and are still going strong.

That being said what would I do if this was my 16 yr old daughter talking to me instead of my son, I would:
1) I would ask where the boyfriend and her realtionship is going and if it will ever end up to where sex might take place. (By the way I don't care how close you "think" you are watching them if they want to achieve the goal they will find a way. I have the proof. Should I name all the places my husband and I found when we were teenagers and being watched closely ? Anyway you need to find out what the real reason is does she need the pill to regulate her periods or is it a cover up for what the pill is really intended for control birth of a child.

Then I would name all the reasons I could think of why she shouldn't have sex with anybody. Saying she is to young will not cut it. The real reasons like finding someone that will really respect the fact of who she is. What are the reprucussion if she was to have sex and the pill didn't work then what ? What about being responsible for taking it everyday aty the sametime, the reason why the pill fails sometimes is because the person on it is not following the directions. Letting her know that if she does go on the pill or some form of birth control she now and will have to get a pap and what that entails, and letting her know what exactly goes on when they do a pap. I feel this way if she is old enough to talk to you about the pill then she is old enough to know exactly the way things happen, why they do. This is not just a cut and dry answer. Even if she does go on the pill that doesn't mean she will be protected from everything. I'm not saying that you should tell her know but I'm not telling you you should say yes, I'm telling you that she has to be 100% honest with you about the reasons and you have to be 100% honest with her about the reality of this situation, what responsibility she is going to take on.

For my 16 yr old what I've told him the "ideal" situation would be is that he waits for when he is responsible enough to take on whatever happens. Meaning that if he should have sex whether protected or unprotected and the girl he is with becomes pregnant he is ready to accept responisbility for the child. Now a days getting pregnant at a young age is a whole lot better in my opnion then coming down with an STD that you will die from or live with for the rest of your life because you or the person you were with were careless and irresponsible.
Oh and talk to her about what she sees for here future and what she wants to do with her life.
When somebody says you are to young to feel the things you are feeling that you don't know what love is, nobody knows what love is until they experience for themselves. Loving someone happens when you least expect it sometimes sooner sometimes later. I'm not saying that if this boy is something that she should run off and get married and have sex but I am saying is that it is our jobs as parents to make sure the are not thinking with clouded judgement. Maybe it's even she can get on the pill when she turns 18 or something like that. Anyway communication is the key here regardless of whether she gets on a form of birth control or not, W.

My feeling is that they are sexually active and I think that it would be a good idea for her to be on the pill. Make sure she understands that the pill doesn't protect her against STD's. Also, have heard you about the shot that young girls can get to prevent HPV (genital warts)? You might want to look into that as well. Good luck!

This is a really hard situation. I think you need to not look at is as lying. She is 16 and she if she is like most 16 year olds she thinks she knows better. She might believe she is in love, and due to not having mom and dad around perhaps she is looking for love. One important thing is, if they have decided they are going to take their relationship to the next level, I don't believe there is much you can do to stop it. If trust is so important than you need to show her that you trust her and let her go on the pill. Showing that trust might be enough to stop her from moving forward. Denying her that might lead to more defiance, which could lead to un-protected sex and we all know where that could lead. Be sure to talk to her about STD's and tell her that any boy who won't wear a condom because "they don't feel right" is selfish and not somebody she should be with.
If and when she does have sex it is very possible that she will be an emotional wreck and she will need your support and love more than anything else. While this will be hard, because you told her not to do it and you trusted her you should try to be there for her, wait until she is emotionally stable and then talk to her about why she did it.
I wish I had an answer for you, but I can only offer my opinion.

This is a hard once since I am very pro life and do not like what the pill does as well. My 18 year old asked for the same reason. I told her the health risks of taking the pill. Asked her about sex with her boyfriend and then decided that the best way to deal with it is to trust my daughter. I told her, at the same age as your niece, since she has a job and she is telling me it is for regulatory reasons as well as painful periods that she can pay for the pill herself. She knows that she is paying for it with her own money because she wants it, if she is having sex and doesn't want me to know, she is paying for it. I can only raise her and teach her what I know, it is up to her to make the correct decisions.

A lot of girls around that age get on the pill for periods, I did, as well as a lot of friends. You might never know if they are or aren't having sex, but I think it'd be better to get her on it, even if she's lying about the reason behind it. The lying is not right, but at least if she's going behind your back, you're somewhat safe guarding her. Also, if she IS trying to get it for sex, she can always go behind your back and go to Planned Parenthood, or some other kind of clinic that aids teens in that area. Or even have her parents get it for her. Just be up front with her, and hope that she will be with you. In this case it's kind of better to be safe then sorry. Good Luck, and I hope you figure out what's best for this situation!

I would get her the pill. Let her see and talk to a doctor by herself. What if you don't and she ends up pregnant?

R.,

Our teens are boys so we haven't personally dealth with this. But my comments are about how often I am hearing about docs putting teen girls on the pill to "regulate" the period, or to help with acne, etc. Let's be real, is that truly what these pills are designed to do? Didn't we grow up ok with our periods all wacky? Didn't we wash our faces better to control acne? I believe while the intention to take the pill may not be for pregnancy prevention, it sure leaves a lot of opportunity for a young mind to feel "safe" having sex when the moment arrises. At 16, even the best kids are still not mentally able to make very rational decisions and truly weigh all the options. My boys told me they weren't having sex, but once I caught them, they could no longer lie. Unfortunately, I believe this is the most common situation wtih teens, so in this case the pill would give me some stress relief as a parent. It's a sticky situation.....proceed with caution.

I just wanted to put in my say. I think you've got a lot of good responses, I haven't read them all, but most of them. I just wanted to agree with some about putting hormones into your body. I got on the pill at 18 for "cramps" which I did have terrible cramps and it helped, and long about that time my bipolar disorder got very out of hand. I went from an a student to a d/f student. I was hospitalized several times and got more into "cutting." I was in lots of therapy and on lots of RX drugs. After some reasearch I asked my psychyatrist if it could be the pills and she said "possibly, but it's not worth risking pregnancy to find out." I thought this was dumb (though I was sexually active, I knew I could abstain and/or use other protection), so I went off my meds and went off my pills and got so much better.

I think of my 2 years of hell and how much it changed in my life, and though I am happy with my life now, I wish some things had been different.

Anyway, my point is, talk to her, stay with her, watch her. If she is going to be sexually active and that is why she wants them, you may talk about other options (like the ring, it's much lower dose and you don't have to think about it every day) and other protection. This will also let her know that even if you don't want her to have sex, you will be there for her. Also, if it is about regulation, you might pick up the book taking charge of your fertility. It's a great book, I think so many women know so little about their cycles, and knowledge IS power.

I hope it all goes well. I am dreading my girls reaching this age.

K.

get her something!!! my opinion is the depo shot is better. then you only worry about it once every three mo. the first one is not so great (bleeding) but the second one usually makes a period very scant. it sounds to me like she is ready and giving you the signal, if she hasn't already. ( it makes me sick to think about 16 y/o having sex!! not that i didn't, they're still babies!!) however this is the mindset that encourages turning a blind eye, they definitely don't need that! God bless.

LISTEN....if the girl is asking...NO matter what the reason you need to put her on it! You'd rather her be on the pill then to come home pregnant. I have taken many young girls that were & thinking of having sex to the free clinic & TRUST me I was glad to be of help. Our children are having sex way too young & it would be stupid of us to think "Oh it can't/won't happen to me" IF you know that lying is in her genes....do the best thing & pray that she does the right thing. Better now than sorry for it later & then you'll be the great-aunt/grandmother too. Good luck & God Bless!

hi R., I am a mother who has a grandbaby on the way, My daughter is 15, and I watched over her, talked to her, and she was around alot of younger kids enough to know that she didn't want to be a mom herself. She actually didn't know if she ever wanted kids. She was a good girl, doesn't have alot of friends that she hangs around with outside of school, was a cheerleader, and never really left the house. She has had the same boyfriend off and on since 7th grade. All it took was one time, they had a fight and we were going to troy to pick up her brother and let her go over to his house, where we met the parents, and Had talked to them about watching over the kids... Well now she is having a baby!! The things she went through finding this out, I wouldn't wish on anybody.My friends told me to put her on the pill just as a precaution, because she had the same boyfriend, didnt matter they didn't really go anywhere together and that we made sure that they weren't doing anything here, I wish I had listened beacuse It happens and if you can prevent your niece going through any of this. Please do. There are so many girls that make the wrong choices because they do not have someone to confide in or to go to. If she wants to be on the pill let her, It doesnt mean she is going to have sex, It just means that if she does decide to you won't have to go through dealing with a pregnancy with her. Trust her to come to you, Like she did with this, My daughter did come to me, I'm thankful. I have had friends that their kids didn't come to them and went through things they didn't have to alone.

Hope this helps

I'm thinking that you need to look into this a little further. Have you considered taking her to the OB/Gyn and discussing it with a doctor before just putting her on the pill if it is really that she thinks she needs to regulate her periods. She is still young and should be having regular periods unless there is something causing her not to. It is great that you have talked with her about sex, but I am wondering if she is afraid to admit to you that she might be wanting to go on the pill because she is thinking about or already has had sex with her boyfiend. I work on a labor and delivery unit and we see many young girls coming in to have babies when it could of possibly been prevented by education and birth control. I have a teenage son and I worry about it as well not just because of pregnancy, but because of the risk of STD's too. So I think that taking her to talk with the doctor and probably allowing her to start taking birth control if everyone is in agreeance is a great idea. Don't let people make you think you're not a good parent if you allow this, because you are doing the right thing in getting her educated and protected from something that could affect the future plans that she might have for hrself.

She may or may not be lying to you. That's a hard one. However, IF she is thinking about having sex, there will be no stopping her. So your best bet would be to get her on the pill to prevent an unwanted pregnancy. I would think that a good talk about condoms would be a good idea too. Because as you know and hopefully she understands that the pill does not protect against STD's.

If I were you I would be FREAKING OUT about now! What a blessing you must be in her life that she could come to you with this.

Well, I hate to say it - but "regulating your period" is the same lame excuse all my friends used way-back-when in H.S. too... that's almost funny. Almost.

The best recommendation I've heard is to pre-screen a gynecologist to find one that's pro abstinence and will give her all the specifics of why her body's not physiologically ready for sex. What complications and reprocussions it could have. And, what complications the pill could bring - increased risk of heart attack, weight gain, migraines...

I'm not sure that I would deny her - but I'd try to get her to that conclusion on her own! (I'm not sure I could have abstained at 16 if I thought I could have gotten away with it...)

It's almost summer - can you send her off to a summer camp for a few weeks that just happens to get her some separation from the boyfriend? Maybe one thru your church or a local church in the area? An adventure camp or one with a focus on what she wants to be when she "grows up". One with lots of supervision.

Good luck - peace and patience and avoid planned parenthood!

T.

I say let her go on the pill. As a mother of 6- (5 of which are grown) It sounds as if she has if she is being a responible teen. As we know things can get out of hand pretty quickly and it only takes one slip, even good girls make mistakes. And as for assuance do YOU really expect it. Teen-agers are going through so much body changes that even they don't understand and sex it only one of them. I'm all for putting them on the pill - you have to trust them and explain to them that you are NOT giving them the go ahead to have sex. Kind of like putting on your seat belt you wear it as a precaution, not that you are expecting to have an accident but in case you do.
Hope this helped a little, kids just don't come with instrutions you have to learn along the way.

I say go for it. You're never going to earn/keep her trust if you don't give it to her in the first place. And it goes the same way for her as well - give her a chance to prove herself. By showing her you trust her, and rewarding her for being upfront and honest with you about it [had it been me when I was 16, I would have found a way to get the pill without my parents knowing because I would have been too embarrassed and knew they would have assumed I wanted it for sex - even though I didn't] you are encouraging more of this positive behavior and fostering a great relationship-building tool. And you already made the great point that if they ARE having sex, it would be better that she's on the pill anyway. In my experience as a teenager, I made the best decisions when I was given the agency to choose for myself. By giving your niece the tools she needs to do the right thing and showing her you trust her, there should be no reason for her to take the typical teenage route and do exactly what you've told her not to just to spite you. The ball is in her court now, and having that control over such an important aspect of her life should empower her to do what she knows is right. Best of luck to you both! :)

When I was 13, I had really awful cramps when I had my period and my doctor told me that birth control pills would minimize the pain. My mother said 'No'. Then when I was 17, I went to a clinic and got onto the pill on my own. I later told my Mom that I got onto the pill because of my cramps because I didn't want her to find the pills and get into trouble later. She was fine with it and it was too late anyway because I was already taking them.

I said that because I didn't want my Mom to know that I was really taking them because I had become sexually active. The part about minimizing the menstral pains was just a bonus. There was NO WAY I wanted my Mom to know that I was having sex. I almost never lie. These days, I'd like to say that I never lie, 'but never say never'. (and the cute white lies you say to kids about the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy don't count.) Anyway, I always was a church-going person, even as a teen, but found myself 'weak' in the sex department but always had long relationships, 4 yrs with one guy and 3 yrs w/another before marriage. Anyway, I did whatever I could to make sure my Mom Never found that secret out. When she would ask me if I had sex, I would look her straight in the eyes and LIE.

There are several things you could do. You could say no and she may eventually get them anyway, maybe not now but later. Especially if her friends are all on the pill...and you will never know when she did it.

On the 'yes' side you will have to choose which way to go about the discussion of sex. Because, even if she was taking the pill to regulate her periods, she will have the temptation of having sex. Especially if she has been dating someone for a while. So you can say yes and say only to regulate your periods but don't have sex and explain that it will lead to temptation (like my Mom did) and not really talk about it further. OR you can say if you are having sex you realize that the pill will not protect you against sexually transmitted diseases, etc. And, of course, strongly suggest against being active. You can either be 'open' and talk about sex with her and be there for questions. Or say don't do it and ignore the fact that she most likely will. My Mom chose to ignore it. I wouldn't want to talk to her about it anyway. But with you NOT being her mother, it might be easier to discuss 'hot' topics like these. Maybe instill in her a healthy look at sex and not let her lower herself to be used. Some girls think that they can't be loved or accepted if they don't give away their bodies. They need a sense of "pride" not "Shame". It just depends on what kind of relationship you want with her. My daughter is only 3 and I have no idea what I'm going to do. Good Luck and God Bless.

In my oppinion, you really have only 1 choice. If she is lying to you, she will have sex anyways. Would you rather her be protected from early pregnancy or have her pregnant. I think that it is very impressive that your niece TRUSTS you enough to ask you that question. Especially when legally she can get it herself. Trust her, it is a win win situation.

Hi R.,

You pretty much just answered your own question, even though she wants the pill to regulate her cycle, if she did ever decide to have sex it would be better that she have them. Also for a High School student it would be so much better to know exactly when to start carrying things around to prevent accidents. I wish I would have had them, for that reason as well as, my first time ever having sex at 15 I wound up pregnant, like you said it would be a security for you in on aspect, and for her in two. There comes time when you have to pray and trust that all that you have taught your now young woman of a niece will stick with her and that she will make the right decision, be sure to keep the lines of communication open so that if she does decide to that she will feel comfortable enough to come to you.

Take her to get the pill - no matter what the reason. She feels comfortable enough with you to ask for it (which says a lot about your relationship with her) and you should trust her and go with it.

AND - go with her to the Dr. apt. Have the Dr. explain about sex, STDs, safe sex, and that birth control does not protect against STDs. IF she does decide to have sex, she should ALWAYS use a condom - even if the boyfriend protests. It's her body and she should worship/protect it.

I was 16 when I asked my mother if I could be put on the pill - and it was for sex (and she knew it). She had always told me that I could ask for it at any time and she'd agree... Well, she didn't jump up and get excited about it, but she agreed. If I waited 6 months. So I waited. About 6 months later (to the day) I asked a second time. She (again) asked me to wait - but I told her that I was ready and that it was time. I was put on the pill just a few weeks later and was very thankful for it. While I did have sex at that age, I only had that one partner before I met my husband. The pill is not a license to have sex - it's a precaution that all young girls should take (if they want it)to protect their bodies from unwanted pregnancy.

Your niece says it's to regulate her periods, but with what you've said about her PDA's in school and elsewhere - chances are it will serve a dual purpose. You'll just have to trust that she's not lying - and understand that you are still doing a good thing for her if she is.

Good luck :)

Put her on the pill. I would. First of all, it will help with her periods, and regulate her hormones. Secondly, she is going to have sex when she is ready. So its better to be prepared. Make sure that she knows the reprocussions of the pill though. I know people who were on it for 10+ years and can't get pregnant. I wouldn't think of it as long term. Make sure she is educated about other forms of birth control and preventing STDs with condoms. And try to be open about sex, not judgemental, otherwise she's sure to keep quiet when she does have sex.

I had the same issue with my daughter at about the same age. She did have irregular and "surprise" periods and it was very stressful.

There are pills now that actually reduce the number of periods you get in a year. If I was 16 I would want it too.

It sounds like your niece is holding off on sex. But, to be honest, she's 16. Even with all their good intentions, they may wind up having sex, with or without the pill. If I gambled, I lay money they are going to have sex unless they break up. I would rather my daughter be on the pill, than not. She should get an exam and think about Guardisil.

if she is wanting the pill for sex she needs to be reminded of the diseases that she can get from not using comdoms. u also need to remember if she wants sex n not to get pregnant there r ways without the pill. u can get pregnant on the pill as i have a sister who got pregnant while on the pill and her 2nd one was concieved while using a comdem. before u make ur decision u may want to discuss this further with her.

Let her get own the pill. The fact of the matter is that teens do have sex. I'd rather see her get on the pill then end up pregnant. You think she is too young to have sex; she is definitely too young to be a mother or to face the decisions on whether or not to be a mother. I counseled women with unwanted pregnancies for 3 years. I saw girls ranging in age from 10 - 55. Trust me - she will have sex (just go into acceptance about it) and she probably will not tell you about it (at least not at first). The pill is a much better alternative then teen pregnancy. You may also want to talk more about safe sex (condoms) and consider the cervical cancer vacination as well.

R.,
I remember having really bad period leaks at school when I was 16 and it was soooo embarrassing. I started on the pill (didn't ask parental permission) after I had to have a friend take me home to change my pants. I had a boyfriend then for 2 1/2 years and my use of b.c. pills didn't tempt me go have sex. I graduated high school a virgin. It can happen! What I valued about the pill was that I KNEW when I was going to get my period so I could always have supplies in my purse and choose dark outfits! :) I wanted it bad enough to pay full price for it out of my own pocket rather than try to go through my parents' insurance.

Please, take her to at least get the information needed. If she wants to be on the pill whatever the reason (or they may be something better)it's best she's on it. My mother made me promise not to get bc without her & she was already very strict & controlling about what I was doing, I was so scared she would get worse if I asked for bc so I didn't, which landed me 17 and pregnant! Birth control is not saying here I approve of you haveing sex. You have to tell her your opinion of that, but it is saying if you do I want you to be smart about it. Also, explain condoms are as important for backup & STDs. As far as it being to control her period, it might be. There's several types out now that let a female only have 3-4 periods a year, wouldn't we all have enjoyed that when we were in school? Hope it all works out for you!

So you would want her to be on the pill if she was having sex, and you don't have a problem with her taking the pill to regulate periods.

What was the question?

I think what you are actually trying to ask is what age is it appropriate to start letting go a little bit and not know everything about her life. When she says it is up to you she is saying "I respect your opinion." You need to trust that you have done a good job raising her. At a certain point it comes down to you being confident in how you have influenced her. It's not like she can't get birth control (other than the pill) at Planned Parenthood or Community Health Centers.

First get her on the pill. I had horrible painful periods until I got on the pill. Literally it took me an hour to crawl to my bathroom one time because I was in so much pain!
That being said... and this will probably be an unpopular opinion..... make sure she knows how to use a condom... and will use one. BC only takes care of pregnancy. There are a lot worse things you can catch other than pregnant.
She's a teenager. I couldn't talk to my mom, only my older sister (who got had a baby when she was 15). You cannot guarantee that she will be honest with all of the authority figures in her life. All you can do is make sure she has the skills and tools to help her make the right decisions

R.,
At least she is asking you for the birth control and not having sex at this point. Sounds like she is trying to be responsible and doesnt want to upset you! I know many girls that didnt take the pill or had no one to talk to when it came to sex and they ended up pregnant at 16! If she is being raised with morals and you have talked about sex with her, she is already on a great start!

Also the pill really does work great for extreamly bad cramps and acne! My mom would never take me to the doctor I went by myself when I was 16!! And I only got the pill for my cramps!

You never know she maybe telling you the truth!

Good Luck!

Get her the pill.

You can't really say "I'll only get it for you if it's to regulate your period." If she's going to have sex, she's going to have it whether she's on the pill or not. So, why not protect her? At least she's being responsible and realizing that she should be cautious and take the pill to avoid an unwanted pregnancy (if that is really the case).

What if she's not being completely honest and she is having sex, or will have sex in the near future? I'd rather be on the safe side, and go ahead and get her the pill. However, she also needs to know about safe sex and using condoms. She needs to know that the pill does NOT prevent STDs. She also needs to know that the pill is not 100% effective. You should sit down with her and discuss everything, just in case.

I started taking the pill when I was 17 to regulate my periods. It helped a lot. However, I will admit, it was also an added benefit that it helped prevent pregnancy.

I understand where you're coming from and the fact is she may very well be lying... trying to find a tactful way to protect herself.
My opinion: She's going to do what she's going to do, whether she lies about it or not. She is being at least some what mature by knowing that she needs to protect herself. Now the only question you have to ask yourself is "Regardless of the reason why, would you rather protect her, or take care of her baby?" because no matter what you do, even if you lock her in her room for the next two years, she will find a way to do what she wants and she could very well be fueled by the simple fact that you told her 'no'. Also, if she does just want to regulate her periods and you treat her like she is lying and can't have birth control she may go ahead and make a bad decision... why not if she's getting treated like she already has. If it was me I would be supportive, get her the pill, and start having more detailed and more frequent sex talks. As uncomfortable as it may make you, its proabaly more uncomfortable for her and maybe tying all that queeziness in with sex will help her be less interested :) Sometimes the more they talk about it, the more they realize they don't want to do it. Last, if you really would rather her be on the pill if she is having sex, let her know that. Tell her that you don't approve, but that if she is having sex you need to know no matter what because of the changes in the medical care she needs at the very least (i.e. std checks, pap smears, etc.)
My daughter is 2 and I am dreading this with everything I've got. I wish you the best of luck.

First, let me say she is a teen and from what I see from the teens aound me, they all lie. Not calling her a liar,just making sure you know it is a possiblity, and being careful nowadays is more important than you worrying about her lying: in short, it is better to find out that she is having sex and being protected by the pill than not. I would talk to her about practicing safe sex while on the pill, rather than finding out she lied and is having sex unprotected. Of course I agree with the whole no sex thing but in the world we live in, it is just not realistic, because they are way more than girls where at my age and younger. Please be prous she waited this long and encourage her to wait but if she chooses to, make sure she is all knowing of the precautions. Let me know how it works out, good luck!

There are risks associated with birth control medications at any age, but the younger a girl is, the risks are greater. The estrogen levels in a female body during puberty will determine how large her breasts become. I know this all too well. I had terrible cramps as a teen and my mother spoke with her ob/gyn. He did something that he should have lost his license over. He prescribed bc pills for a 12 year old he never even met. After carrying KK cup size breasts for many years, I finally had a breast reduction in 2000. They took nearly 12 lbs off my chest. No one in my family had ever been larger than a DD, even when overwheight.

My periods were regular, but painful. The pill did not help much and they stopped giving them to me after about a year. At the time I did not even know what they were giving me. I got married young, not pregnant, just young, almost 16. I started on the pill again for a couple of years. I was infertal for several years following that and later developed both breast and ovarian cancers. Thanks to God and much prayer, I am cancer free and I was able to have one child. I am as certain as I can be that the pill caused all these problems as well as the two tubal pregnancies that left me unable to have more children.

If her periods are truly irregular, try looking for a good nutrition clinic. Dr. Janet Lange (www.drjlang.com) might be able to refer you to an endocrynologist or a nutritionist that can help her balance a functional hormone imbalance in a safe way.

If you offer your niece other ideas for regulating her period and she says she really wants the pill, then you might ask if this is something she wants because 'all her friends are doing it' or if she really does want more intimacy with her boyfriend. If they are already showing physical affection publicly, they have already started what I call 'ritual seduction'. It can be very difficult to turn that bus around once it has picked up some speed.

If you feel she is really looking to have what some call 'safe sex', that is another discussion. There are many cultural, emotional, and spiritual considerations. A teen just does not understand the emotional and spiritual bonds that form once two people expose themselves that intimately to one another. Before starting high school I told my son that it isn't safe to expose oneself and risk that level of rejection or to be the person who ends up rejecting someone else. I told him that almost every teen who plays marriage, also ends up playing divorce and that such things leave terrible emotional scars even on adults. A teen's heart is so much more sensitive. I suggsted that he might not want to risk that happening to himself or to someone else he cares about.

Although he may have focussed his attention on a specific girl for short periods of time, he never really claimed a 'girlfriend'. He has decided that there is no point in getting that close to anyone until he finds the one with whom he wants to have a family. He is a healthy and happy 22 year old with good friendships. He is trying to build a life that he can share.

It may be that we parents have had little effect with teens in this area because we talk to them separately. The most powerful discussion on this topic I have ever heard was when a social worker sat down a group of both male and female teens and spoke to them frankly about what compels male behaviors and what compels female behaviors and what the risks really are. She let them know that they may feel they have the right to risk their own lives, but do they feel they have the right to risk the life of their future children? Do they have the right to risk what it will cost parents and other family members if they become sick or pregnant? She asked them to consider their own lives in the future, to imagine they were about finished raising their children and ready to pursue new interests and maybe more education or a new job and then they are suddenly faced with their teen bringing home a baby and needing their help. She let them know that when they put themselves at risk, they put their family, their friends, their school, and their community at risk. She made certain that they understood that sexual organs were not their private toys. What they choose to do may affect many lives.

I feel a parent, or guardian in this case, has every right to sit these two down together and have a very frank discussion. They opened the door for this with their public displays of affection. If you are not comfortable making sure they understand all this, you may want to speak with a social worker or counselor who can have this discussion with them. If they are 'making out' in public, they should be able to sit down together and have this discussion. Tell them you understand how embarrassing this may feel at first, but that you need to make sure they are making fully informed choices so that they can avoid things far more uncomfortable than embarrassment.

Letting children learn all this on their own is like putting them in the drivers seat without teaching them how to drive or the laws regarding financial responsibility. As experienced adults, we have to take the responsibility to help them understand how to honor themselves, each other, their families, and their community. They need to understand the power they have and the powerful forces released in a sexual relationship before they are exposed to the pressures to explore them out of innocent curiosity.

Hope these thoughts are helpful to you in some way. Your niece is very lucky to have you in her life!

I would say get her the pill. What you said is right- you do not have any assurance that she will not have sex, so wouldn't you rather her be on the pill to protect her from getting pregnant either way. If teenagers want to have sex, they are going to do it- I say better safe than sorry!
I would go ahead and talk to her about condoms as well. I would explain to her that the pill does not protect against sexually transmitted diseases. Even though she says she is not having sex I still feel it would be good to educate her.

My personal opinion: Why put hormones into your body if they aren't needed? If she TRULY only wants to regulate her period, her doctor would have already put her on something if it were necessary. If she isn't having completely erratic cycles, extreme cramping/bleeding, then why bother? If she is wanting it for the birth control, however, that is a different story. If she wants to go on the pill, she doesn't need your permission. She could go to any health department and get it. I did when I was 16. You may just want to explain why it isn't good to be on the pill unless necessary. There are a lot of side effects that she probably isn't aware of. Google some info for her and discuss it together. Good luck!

I'm sort of conflicted about what to tell you. First, I think it's likely that she is considering having sex, and being on the pill would certainly make it safer (although there's also STDs to consider).
BUT, when she said 'it's up to you,' that made me think that she might be wanting you to be her excuse to her boyfriend to say 'no.' Do you know what I mean? He may be pressuring her a bit (VERY LIKELY) and if she were able to say that YOU won't let her be on the pill - she could say no without being the one who is really saying it. Kids are pretty smart, especially when looking out for their own interests.
It sounds like you have a pretty open relationship. Maybe you could even ask her if that's what she wants. A good friend of mine suggested this tactic with teenagers - to let the parents be the excuse to say no. Also, she may not really know what she wants, and in that case, go ahead and tell her the very sound and logical reasons to NOT have sex yet (making relationships more complicated, her lack of experience and ability to predict the consequences of her actions and also deal with them effectively, her own health and future at stake, etc.)
It takes a whole lot of confidence and strength to say no to peers at that age, especially with her situation with her parents - being a bit unstable. She would likely turn to her peers for stability and to establish her identity. Being a teenager is really hard and confusing. It wouldn't hurt to tell her that you understand this too, and wish her the self-assurance and strength to stand up for herself and hold to what is best for her. Hopefully she'll hear you.
I wish YOU confidence and strength as you deal with this!

Honestly, if she wants to have sex she is going to do it. I know when I was 16 I asked my mom for the pill for the same reason and a lot of my friends did too. I know this probably doesn't make you feel any better, but it's reality. There is a chance she is telling the truth though and she may really want to take it to regulate her period. Either way I would say go ahead and get her on the pill because if she is having sex at least she is being smart about it. I would still talk to her about using condoms though because kids think the pill covers everything. Good luck.

You have to ask yourself "whats more important?" Having sex while not being on the pill, or having sex with some extra protection. Unfortunately in this situation you just dont know what her real intentions are and and that age I would bet she is interested in having sex. Keep a watchful eye but dont deny her the pill just because you dont want her to have sex. The truth is, she will have sex whether shes on the pill or not. Protect her and yourself from having to raise another kid!

Oh man, this is my exact same story January this year, except my husband and I are still together and my daughter doesn't usually lie, but I went through this exact same thing. She would say "Its for my complexion, I'm not having sex, I wouldn't do that." She and her boyfriend had been together a long time also. I said "I'm not going to do that if you aren't, makes it too easy for you to go ahead and have sex if you are not." BUT, I told her "Are you having sex? If you are, that's a whole different coversation." My mother gave me a hard time about being on the pill and I swore never to do that. Finally after many fits back and forth with her and her insisting she be on it and me insisting "Not for your complexion," FINALLY my sister had a conversation with her and bluntly said, "Your mom is not stupid. I think she'd understand and you need to come clean." We were at a family function and she was also trying to tell my sister its for her complexion to which she also responded, "I'm not stupid and neither is your mom." 10 minutes after we got home she very nervously said to me, "Mom, I'm sexually active and I need to be on the pill." I HATED it. I will never forget it, but I responded "Okay, do you want a woman doctor or man doctor?" I took her to the doctor and don't regret it. I'd rather her be on the pill than having a baby, even though I really hate it. In short, if she is asking to be on the pill, take her. I am sure it is exactly what you are thinking. My other sister suggested at the time before she came clean, "Call the doctor ahead of time and tell them 'we are going to call it for her complexion.'" You probably need to make the dreaded appointment. I debated and argued with her for a couple months before she finally came clean with it. I don't regret putting her on the pill.

Hi R. -

My daughter is 14 almost 15 and I HAD to agree to her taking the pill because she battles ovarian cysts repeatedly and recently had to have emergency surgery because of one. The doctors said it was necessary to put her on the pill to try and suppress the cysts. Even that being said, it was still hard for me to allow her to go on the pill so young. In your situation I think that you should take her to a gyno, let her discuss it with them, and then assist her in making her (informed) decision. The gyno might have other suggestions of things to try first and if she is willing to try those then that might be more ideal. If she is bent on taking the pill, rather than taking the suggestions of the doc should they offer alternatives, then you might want to have more in depth discussions with her about what she truly wants the pill for. She must value your input and trust as that isn't an easy conversation for a teen to have. It sounds like she is thinking it all through. Like another poster said, if she is going to have sex it is a choice SHE will make and while the goal is for her to not do that, if it happens better for her to be informed and protected. I would continue to have open communication with her - as it sounds you have. Tell her that you applaud and stand behind her decision to wait on sex.And totally support her and that you are PROUD of that decision. Tell her that sex is a huge decision that takes a lot of thought and that you hope she will still come to you if she thinks that might be something she wishes to do. Continue with the supervision and discuss what behavior you desire with her in respect to her situation with her boyfriend. You might even consider discussing your wishes with BOTH of them. Lastly, if she does begin taking the pill you might want to tell her to keep that private. That way she isn't pressured to doing something that she isn't ready for just because she is on the pill. And it really is a private decision anyways. I wish you much luck with all this. Keep the lines of communication open and all of you will make the right choice! :) God Bless!

I don't have a cut and dried answer for you. The best thing you can do is keep the lines of communication open.

Does she have a ped. or family doctor that she has an established relationship with? Maybe that doctor can help too.

I don't necessarily know that taking hormones to 'regulate' your period at 16 is a healthy/wise idea---unless there are some underlying problems. (I think a lot of doctors rx it this way to prevent preg. in a child who would otherwise not have acess to birth control)

I think it is great that you can talk with her about sex.

And I wonder what the school teachers consider 'inappropriately' affectionate at school -- and how they handle it. I sort of think adults probably see a LOT of teen PDAs as inappropriate - but I don't know that it is 'abnormal' (as in I think it may be the same behavior of her peers--- not that that makes it correct or acceptable - but it is what they want/like to do at that age--part of exploration---although risky!)

Good luck and keep talking/listening.....I don't really feel qualified to say more.

Give her the pill!
Tell her about Aids and STDs.
Tell her sex is not the same thing as love.
She'll make her own decisions, give her the info and protection you can to keep her safe (and not pregnant).
Good Luck.

Not that you need more advice, but I'll give my 2 cents anyway. She is reaching out to you in her own way. She may not think she wants to have sex, but it might be in the back of her mind. I have 2 little munchkins living with me right now who were the product of a "spur of the moment" decision. My preciuos (adopted) kids might not be here if their birthmothers had made a better choice. She's 16 and even if she doesn't lie to you today by saying she doesn't plan to have sex, things change by the hour with a teenager. Maybe she is feeling pressure and wants to be cautious.

If she is having sex, you are talking with her and helping to protect her. If she's not, it really doesn't hurt. By getting her on the pill, you also have the opportunity to take her to a health care physician (maybe a gyno) who can also talk with her. This will help prepare her for future appointments anyway and help lead her to a healthy life.

Best wishes to you and know that we are all praying for you!

S.

get the pill and get the gaurdasil shot. there are several issues that can be avoided by both, this day an age parents need to focus on prevention instead of denial. teen pregnancy, cervical cancer and warts all suck, parents protect your babies not your egos

As a mom of a 16 year old, I am keenly aware that kids today want to go on the pill for more than one reason. My daughter took it at 14 to help with really horrible periods, but hated how it made her gain weight. That was her decision...I supported it.

At the same time, I am also aware that NO child will be 100% honest when it comes to sex. Either they feel we will condemn them or something or they simply feel its none of our business. Either way, if your niece is asking for the pill, discuss it with her parents (don't rely on her word...this may cause issues between you and them if you don't double check) and if they are fine with it and you have no personal reason to say no...go for it. She may be telling you the truth about wanting to control her periods. If not, better to protect her from her immaturity than have to raise her and her baby.

My daughter has been off the pill for 2 years, but at the same time...this past fall, I bought her condoms. She claims she is not ready for sex, but she knows she has protection if that were to change. I keep the lines of communication open, but accept that she may not feel I am the person she wants to talk to about this. I also know that I am NOT going to raise her and her child. I have made my point clear and she knows to act accordingly. Mistakes happen, but there has to be consequences for one's actions!

Take care and I hope this helps...

M.

When I was 16 I asked for the pill to help with my painful periods which were coming spurratocally about a total of 18 days out of the month, and my mom said "No Way!" I had a boyfriend but we were not having sex...my periods continued to get worse and the week after my high school graduation I had to have my first surgery and the week after my wedding I needed to have my second. Both were for endometriosis. If my mom would have let me have the pill I could have possibly avoided all the problems. If she really is having problems with her period and it is to the point of concern, I would say she knows her own body and she knows something is wrong

Trust me on this: THE NEW THING FOR TEENAGE GIRLS IS TO SAY THEY WANT TO GET ON THE PILL TO 'REGULATE THEIR PERIODS'. Are you kidding me? Their periods ARE regular. Believe me, it's so they can have sex. Go to the doc w/ her. Have open dialogue w/ the doc and w/ her. Don't be naive. She's having sex or going to have sex immediately. I swear my life on it. Get her on the pill. Tell her to watch the PDA and her reputation. People talk. Kids talk to other kids. They tell their parents what other girls are doing w/ the boys. Tell her it's happening now. Good luck.

She's trying to take responsibility for her sexuality!
She can be open and honest and involve YOU in this very WISE desision, or she can hook up w/ Planned parenthood behind her back....or worse....wind up another pregnate teen.Ohhh, I sure would applaude this choice shes trying to make, rather than brow-beat her on weather or not she's having sex. Good luck!

By allll means put her on the pill. Taking the pill will not change her. She is who she is and it is always better to be safe. My daughter was put on birth control at 14 for her periods. It made me so much more comfortable knowing that when she decided to have sex that she was covered. Of course all the extra information (condoms etc) was covered as well.
J.
Mother of 3 girls 1 boy and a grand baby

Unless she has problems with her periods and needs them regulated, then I would say no. If she has odd periods and has had her period for several years then get her an OB appointment and get her educated. Then put her on a low dose pill. Help her understand that if she does become sexually active that she can get pregnant even on the pill. I have several friends who have gotten pregnant several times while on the pill. They are only 99.8% effective. Do let her know that this means she will have to have the lovely yearly exams from then on if she gets on the pill. Good luck and God Bless.

I hate to day it, but if she is that hot and heavy with her boyfriend then the pill is a good idea. Also, it is great for regulating flow and cramps. I went on the pill at a young age and still waited until I was over 18 for sex.
I say you have to trust her until she proves herself unworthy of the trust. I would give her the okay for the pill and stress it is for regulation only.

Good Luck!

R., you are doing great and the right thing. I went to my mom around age 15 stating the same thing and I to was involved and had sex shortly after my 16th bday. She has come to you with the understanding that you will trust and listen, and in doing so you open that door letting her now that she can come to you now matter the issue to have your full open mind and trust. Even if that is what she is wanting the pill for, just known that she came to you with concern of your cycle and you let her know that it is ok to come to you with any questions on the that situation or when the time she and her boyfriend fill it is the time they take the next step you would love to sit and talk and help with any questions she will have or obstacles they will over come together..Good luck
But on the shot I myself and some others I know that has recieved this does not recomend. I am still going through health problems that the shot has caused. It was nice not dealing with a period for a year, but it does has its downs. There are all different types of pills out that can shorten and lighten your cycles to down to three days. I haven't heard much on them but something I would try if need be. But take your niece to a OBGYN and all three of you talk about what would be best for her.

Get her on the pill. Even if she isn't sexually active, she's at the age where she probably will be soon & in the long run, it'll be best that she's on birth control. I commend you for being someone who's gotten to this young lady in a way that allows her to be honest and forthcoming. The ability to come to you and say anything will be a huge bless for years to come. I don't think just because she'll be on birth control, she'll see this as a green light to have sex. Kids these days will have sex if they want to, birth control or not; I really think they believe "it" won't happen to them. This way, she'll be fully informed about what the pill can do and cannot do. At some point, you just have to trust her and let her make her own decisions. Don't put her in a position that makes it easier to lie than to tell the truth.

Hi R., I can understand your delema. Take it from me who was a very good kid in high school. I never planned to be sexually active until i was married. Well you know how those hormones start to kick in and you have a boyfriend who is pressing the subject. I gave in. That's how I ended up with a baby at the age of 18 (17 when I got pregant). I wanted to go on the pill but was to afraid to press the issue with my mom. She thought it was not a good idea at the time (I think i was about 16 too). I would rather put my daughter (if i had one) on the pill just in case anyway. Sure you don't want her to be doing things like that, but you have to remember she is growing up and like I said about those hormones.... Anyway I think it never hurts to go ahead. You've had the talk with her and now you have to trust her. It's would be easier than her coming home with a baby at this age. I just happen to get lucky in my situation and was able to get out of my bad situation (bad abusive boyfriend) and later met my now husband who is completly wonderful in every way.Good luck with your niece!