Three Year Old Acting Out

Hey K.,
It is definately and faze he is going through. And I hate to tell you this but its gets worse before it gets better MY oldest child was the sweetest cuddley thing in the world till he turned three I dont know why they call it the terrible twos and terriffic threes The threes are worse to me His 2s were great. Now he is four and he talks back more taddles on everything and even fights his 2 year old brother (who is my rotten child). My two year old is a big handful and hw is in the corner quite often. The little girl might be competition but he needs to understand that is not the way to act. sorry im not to much help just thought I would tell you what i thought and discipline is the only way to help it. I also throw toys in the trash. (i just hide them) My oldest straightens up real quick when I threaten that cuz i back up my word. Thats all you need to do and you be the main disciplinary!
D.

Hi K.,
My heart goes out to your handsome little 3 year old boy. He has had a lot of changes in his little life and is acting out in the only way he knows how to get attention. Punishment will not work. He needs you to sit in a quiet place with him, put your arms around him , give him a kiss and talk to him about what he was like as a little baby.Tell him how proud you are of him when he has done something well. Tell him how much you love him and need him to be a big boy for you. Praise him for whatever you can find to praise him about. Children hear the good things said about them, but tune out the bad.They crave attention(as we all do)and will do all they can to make you happy if they hear how proud you are of them.Hard as it will be, try to not say words such as (NO,DON"T,BAD,etc.)that makes him feel ashamed. Instead of negative words, try encouraging words. This works, but takes time and patience. I can tell from your email that you love him very much, so you will do what is right for him. They are little for such a short time, just love him. Just remember that your face is his mirror.When he looks at you, what he sees on your face is what he believes he is.So have a smile on your face when you look at him.When he messes up the frown on your face will tell him more then your words. You want to fill his little brain with good things. This is the time when he will decide if he is good or bad.If he hears good things he will start to believe he is a good boy and will do what makes him feel good. Don't stop praising him when he starts to behave, you have to tell him always what a good boy/man he is. Just try to say at least one nice thing every day to him. Find something to praise him for each day. Make time just for him, a good night hug and kiss and "I love you so much my big boy" will let him know he is important to you. I guess what I am trying to say is children need sooooo much love and the need to feel excepted.I am a Mother of five, grandmother to 14 and great grandmother to one. I cared for one of my grandsons for the first two years of his life and have been raising my 8 year old grandson since he was 10 days old.He is like my own child. There is nothing in life more important to me then all these children of mine. I am so proud of all of them. They are all decent, honest and happy people. Good luck to you and love that little boy.

J. F.

Congratulations! You have a perfectly normal little 3-year old boy. Who wouldn't act out under these circumstances?

It sounds like your mom is operating under the old "Behave or else" standard. But what is the good of merely suppressing a child's feelings and forcing a child to "be nice"? Where has that gotten us? I see a lot of maladapted adults walking around today who grew up under this kind of bully parenting approach.

The kindest *and* most effective way of resolving this is to give your son a lot of extra love and reassurance. Try to keep a sense of humor and be flexible. When he is misbehaving, keep his feelings in mind while disciplining him. And of course, if you focus your attention on the behavioral problems, that is where he will give more and more of his energy! Don't make a big deal out of it. Don't make some program or attitude communicating "YOU MUST OBEY." Instead, focus your attention all the more on all of the good moments and all of the good things he says and does. Flowers grow in the direction that the light is shining. This will end up being a wonderful time of growth for all of you!

L.

K.,
Our son did the EXACT same thing at age 3 when we adopted our second child. Peeing his pants may appear on purpose but it is actually an uncontrollable, emotional response to the recent, stressful changes in his life (the foster child). I think our son peed his pants 3 or 4 times before it stopped. I thought he was doing it on purpose too. When I spoke to his doctor about it his doctor said it is a normal 3 year old emotional and behavioral response to "act out" and even regress when a new child enters the picture. Our doctor actually told us that it was more important to show him extra attention than to show our new baby attention because he needed to know we loved him just the same! And he also suggested that we have a lot of little gifts hidden to give him randomly (for good behavior or just because) since the our new child would be receiving so many gifts and attention. You might also call your pediatrician and see what suggestions he/she has to offer. For what it's worth, the peeing stopped pretty quickly but the NO hasn't and it's a year later! We are sure our son says NO all the time because he knows he will get our attention. He's still a great kid but when if he is feeling left out or ignored that's when the NO rears its ugly head. We do the same as others have suggested: time out, spanking, "throwing away toys", etc. It works for the time being but in the end you still have a 4 year old developing brain that he has no control over. Mother nature is what it is, you just have to do your best to teach your son what is right behavior and eventually he'll get there once he moves on to the next stage of development.
Good luck!

His acting out is sure getting him a lot of attention, which could be the purpose of it. This might be the time to teach him that if he misbehaves, he can't play with everyone else. Time out and definitely not making a big production of 'punishment,' should stop him in his tracks.

B. M.

It might not be a reason for some children to act that way, but apparently it is for him! All kids are not alike : )
(Sorry Grandma!)
He is firstly acting like a normal three year old! The thrilling threes, I call it! (I have five children, and will soon go through the thrilling threes for the fifth time! ughh!)
Thank God, they are also very sweet in other ways at this time... and CUTE!
I say yes, he is trying to adjust and is jealous. That's ok.
Just reassure him by setting and keeping schedules and boundaries to make him feel safe. (That's all he's doing--saying, "Will you love me as much here? Do you love me enough to keep me safe with discipline and boundaaries HERE?")

Consistently discipline, and consistently love and cuddle--or whatever makes him personally feel loved. (Do you know his personal love language?) Could be that his love language has been forgotten in the move and readjustment. (Perhaps just not enough time--it happens.)

All that said, I wouldn't let him continue in his bad behanvior. Do let him know it's wrong and apply discipline of your choice : ) Give him another choice for how to handle when he feels that way (Determine what it is he's feeling by talking with him while he's at his favorite activity. This is how you get boys to talk!)

But telll him all the time (again, in a language he can understand --could be touch, could be quality time--just ask him) that you love him SOOOOOO much!

Be encouraged, sweet lady! This is but a season. Nip it in the bud, and it will soon pass. He will soon be a handsome man, and you will long for 'Three'... (tears..)

Luvs,
H.

My 3 1/2 year old grandson is baically a sweet boy but he throws "fits" too. I mean, you tell him no and he throws his head back and screams and streaks down the hall. He used to fall out on the floor, but is more into the streaking now. We laugh about it, but it is embarrasing when out in public. We figure he will out grow it and that it is mostly due to frustration. He also is not potty trained and changes his own pullups. Before that he would bring you a clean one and the wipes, baby powder etc and say "change my diaper please." He is super bright and can read some and knows all of his colors, letters, shapes and numbers. He has known all of this since he was 2 1/2.

So, I'll probably get hate mail for this, but to each their own.
Consistancy and communication is key. Watch your son closely first to try to determine why, there has to be a trigger right b4 he throws them. Try making sure, if you're not already, that he is widely praised for the right or helpful things he does. Make an even bigger deal out of that than normal. That way it outweighs any discipline he may get later. If it is merely a behavioral thing, him wanting more attention, it will come out faster through better behavior.
I think it is a reaction to the other child coming into his domain. He sees that everyone is paying attention to her and wants some. That is how 3 yr olds work, they want some of what they see others getting. That is natural for them. Watch the behavior of the girl closely, even when she thinks no one is watching just to be sure your child is safe.
If it is just him throwing for attention, I spanked mine for that. I didn't hit him, just took him to the bathroom and swatted his little behind, let him cry a minute, then followed in with a hug and why.
When my two older step kids come for a visit, there is a behavioral difference in my now 7 yr. old boy. I had to be careful to make sure he wasn't being stiffed of attention when they came over. It would happen without our awareness and then we needed to correct it.
My mom always told me some precious words I still keep and ring true...This, too, shall pass.
Mom to a wonderful 7 yr old boy and his step sister 12 and step bro. 15. Huggs.

I disagree with your mom the changes in his life can have a lot to do with his behavior. I would sat and have a talk with him about how much he is loved and that his grandparents are doing a good thing by helping the little girl. I would try to spend a little extra time with him and see if that does not help.

I also have a very headstrong daughter and this is what worked with her....Giving her choices. Many times children feel like they have no contorl over their lives, mom or dad tell them what to wear, when to eat, what to eat, etc. By giving the child choices, they feel like they are in control (when actually, you still are!). The key is to give 2 choices with each question (and ask as many as possible to give them more choices), either choice you are happy with.

Example:
When your son tells you he is thirsty, you say:
Would you like the red cup or the orange one?
Would you like juice or milk?
Would you like a lid or a straw?
Would you like to dring it in the kitchen or at the dining room table?

This works with discipline too...
When your son shows inappropriate behaviour, you say:
That behaviour is not acceptable in our home (or at church, or at the supermarket, etc.), would you like to spend 5 minutes time out in on your bed or in the dining room chair? If the child refuses to choose, you just up the time and repeat the same question. Again, if they refuse to choose, you just up the time and repeat the same question. Eventually they will see that the time is getting longer and longer and will choose.

The tough part is sticking with it in the beginning. When they refuse to choose (when it's not discipline) or try to give another option, you choose for them and STICK TO IT. This teaches them that if they won't choose from your options that you will take control back and choose for them. It won't take very long until they will choose because they will learn that if they don't you will choose for them and take the control away. If they refuse to choose (when it is discipline) you just keep upping the time and at some point you just stick with it so they will remember the next time that the punishment is worse if they don't choose.

My daughter is now 17 and a wonderful young lady, however, at 2 she was driving me crazy because she was so stubborn and strong willed. This method worked wonders on her, even in her potty training. These children won't do what you want them to do just because you want them to do it, they won't do it until they decide to do it and that can be quite frustrating!

Good luck!!!

I agree with Holly, he needs spanking. A calm, controlled spanking in private, followed by a hug when he is contrite. Your mom is right, it probably is a reaction to the "new kid", but that is no excuse. Reassure him of your love, but he must learn that the world does not revolve around him.
Mom of nine, grandma of two.