Discipline for 3Yo

It's typical for regression and acting out after baby sibling is born. Consistency IS the key, and it's so hard when you are tired after working all day and caring for an infant! As soon a s you get home I'd try to give her the extra attention she desires. Have one parent (switch off) spend 15 solid minutes just with her, put off cooking, everything and have the other parent with the baby. 15 minutes of undivided attention, playing, reading, talking. Then expect her to behave and put her into time out if she doesnt. Maybe time out should be sitting in certain spot that is visible. rather than in her room, no toys or shoes to be thrown just sitting on bottom step or in corner of living room or kitchen. My favorite book is Happiest Toddler on the Block deals with one two and three year olds if you dont have it RUN to get it!

First of all, the threes are terrible, so a lot of her behavior is normal. That doesn't mean it's acceptable, but it's not that you're doing a bad job parenting. The threes are really really tough.

I don't believe in spanking, but I think that even people who believe in spanking will tell you that you should have a great many tools in your arsenal, and that spanking should be used as a very last resort. My beliefs (and the evidence) suggests that you can have well behaved children without reaching that "last resort."

We use the naughty spot. Normally it goes like this: one warning for the bad behavior (or a count to three for the behavior to stop). If the behavior happens again (or doesn't stop) then into the naughty spot (normally for a minute). Then in order to get out my son has to a) apologize nicely, b) explain what he did wrong, c) say he won't do it again. Then hug and out. I think this is pretty close to the 1-2-3 Magic System that a lot of people swear by.

Perhaps more importantly than the naughty spot though, we make the punishment fit the crime. So if my son is throwing a tantrum around dinner time, we tell him that either he can sit at the table nicely or he can scream in his room. His choice. We try to say this pretty emotionlessly. Then it's really his choice what he wants to do. If he throws something in the house, it gets taken away. Etc.

Honestly, the root of the problem is probably her age. I always say that my daughter grew horns and fangs at three, and then the disappeared again around her 4th birthday. Pick a discipline method and stick with it (and please don't hit out of anger, which is exactly what you're telling your daughter she _can't_ do). She'll end up being a well behaved 4 year old. Deep breaths.

At my daughter's 2nd birthday she had a meltdown. I looked at my friend and said, "Ah, the terrible twos!" She said, "Three's are worse." She wasn't kidding!!! My daughter turned into a monster for the entire year that she was three. She sassed, yelled, threw herself onto the floor, and even threw things at me, just like your daughter. When she sassed or yelled, I would tell her that she needed to ask nicely. When she threw herself on the floor, I would step over her and walk out of the room. She lost anything that she threw at me, so that didn't last long. I only threw away two toys before she realized I wasn't kidding about that. I know that those toys cost money, but I wasn't about to have things hurled at me. This will pass...it isn't anything you are doing or not doing. You are a good mom!!

one thing that worked for us was we put his toys in Time Out not him ... he got the hint pretty quickly.
Oh and give her a safe place to have her tantrum ... let her know when she is all done that she can come out but must stay there until she calms down ... good luck.

A 3yo child is at a particularly frustrating time in her life, is not yet equipped with much impulse control, and is imitating what she thinks she sees her parents and caretakers doing, but it's a childish version that we hear as sassy. So much possibility exists around her, but almost all of it is out of her reach, just beyond her comprehension, or demands greater motor skills than she has developed. Her life is more structured, limited, and scheduled than is optimal for most kids.

All this (plus a new sibling in your family), combines to make the twos and threes a very difficult time in a child's life, at best. The more a parent can help her deal with frustration and anger, without provoking more, the easier this passage tends to be for both child and parent.

For the last 2.5 years with my grandson (since he was 2.5), I've had wonderful results using an approach that's often referred to as Emotion Coaching (google for info), and a book called How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish.

This easy-to-read book is loaded with real-life examples of how parents made a positive, empathetic connection with their children, while making their own needs and requirements clear. By the time you finish each chapter, you'll be equipped to put the principles to work in your own family. I can't recommend this gem highly enough.

Consistancy will help alot. Also, move time-out into a public area, it'll help if she sees that her misbehavior is not having the effect that she was looking for. My brother got a carpet tile from the home improvement store and that was the time out area- if you left it time out started all over again. When she throws things in her room, smile and tell her that since she doesn't want these things, you'll just remove them (she may end up with nothing but a dresser and a bed in heer room but she will eventually learn). But mostly dont let her see that her behavior is getting to you -you lose your temper and she wins that round.

I believe it's a combo of being 3 with a new baby in the house. How much one-on-one attention does she get? Usually with a new baby it's hard to give the older one attention, and that's why they are acting out.

Without knowing how much attention you already give her, my opinion is give her more one-on-one attention, if possible.

I found that giving two consequences for those blatant disobediences like talking back and disrespect etc. For example, give a warning, then give 3 swats and 3 minutes of time out. (per age) When they are older, I still give 2 consequences but it would be time out and grounding or losing a privelege. I found that this helped. Super Nanny has some great ideas too. I love watching that show. You can go to hulu.com and watch episodes online. Good luck!

I strongly agree with everything Peg M. suggested, and her book recommendation "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen..." is one of the best I've read in nearly 20 years of working with young children.

Another book/website I'm also going to suggest is the Positive Discipline site. Their method is to work with children by helping them to come round to our way of thinking in a logical and respectful way. I use this with my son, asking questions to help him think about what he's doing, instead of directly engaging in correction and telling him 'no', which gets an immediate, strong reaction from him; this method helps him to figure out the "why" of what we need him to be doing. When we use this method, which allows him to come to desired conclusions on his own and then motivates him to be excited to 'do better', we often are happier with the results than just rote correction, which we all fall into from time to time. What busy parent doesn't?

I also agree that addressing the sugar issue at preschool is so important. My preschool doesn't serve sweetened snacks and parents are asked not to pack them in the child's lunches, too. When I had my last preschool, I didn't have a policy around this. Too bad, too, because in hindsight, I could set my watch as to when everything was going to begin going downhill. Ugh. Cheese and almonds, or a sandwich with protein (meat, cheese, egg) will help your daughter at the end of her day. Tired, hungry kids are often very difficult to discipline!

If you have a routine time of day for her to reconnect with you and/or your husband, that would be great too. Plan even a five-minute time just one-on-one in the morning (can your husband take the baby for 5 minutes before work?) and some alone time during the bedtime routine, plus an extra 5 or 10 minutes with one parent or the other in the evening, just to sit and play.

I also like the idea of giving positive attention to kids when they are busy at things they enjoy doing. By this, *I don't mean* walking up to the child and praising them or distracting them from what they are doing. Instead, *stand behind* the child and just stroke their hair, kiss their head, squeeze their shoulder... it's a very affirming non-verbal gesture that lets kids know that we are noticing them, even when they are just being. Works on a profoundly deep level, and do this at least 3-5 times a day if you can. (This technique is taken from JoAnn Nordling's book "Taking Charge"; another great book to recommend, and one that many preschools use with their parents in addressing behavior and discipline issues. )

Best wishes.... and remember, with these books, take what works for you, and when you try a new method to correct undesired behaviors/actions, give yourself at least ten days before deciding wholesale if something isn't working. Rarely does everything work 100% of the time, and lasting change can sometimes be slow.

I'm sure you will get plenty of other advice. Give it a shot and let us know how it goes!

H.

I just wanted you to know that you are not the only family dealing with this. We have a three and a half year old daughter who at times can be the same way. It all started when her sister arrived last December. We deal with tantrums, nos, break downs, refusals, etc.. We do time out, although, she doesn't always stay. There is not a mother I have talked to that has not dealt with this with their three year olds. I am beginning to think it should be called the terrible threes not the terrible twos. I think most of it has to do with a three year olds attempt to gain control of their own life. We just try to keep in mind the kind of person we want her to be... kind, polite, considerate. We also want her to be a good listener. So, when we put her in time out, we tell her why she is there when we put her down. After three minutes, she has to tell us why she was in time out and apologize. Sometimes, if the event has been especially challenging, I sit her in my lap and we discuss the behavior and why it just is not ok. It does seem like she doesn't get it, because we deal with the same issues over and over again. However, developmentally, it is just part of the growing process. Hearing the same words over and over again will eventually sink in. I do realize that she does miss the one on one time that we had before her sister arrived. So, I do try to spend time with her after her sister goes to bed. I try to get her on my lap when I have time. She now goes to preschool, which has helped a lot. She needed the socialization that preschool provides, plus, she gets to hear some of the same rules that we practice at home.
Anyway, I don't have any magical cures or advice. I particularly like Dr. T Berry Brazelton's books called Touchpoints. There is one for birth through age three and I just bought the 3 -6 one. He does a great job dealing with emotional and behavioral development. He is child centered. He doesn't have one way to do things, but helps you understand your child better. I just wanted you to know that you aren't the only one dealing with it. Just breathe. Each day is a day to start anew!

Wow. Yeah we have the same problem, only now ours is almost 5. We did the sticker chart that other people have recommened where we had ants and bees for bad behavior and stars, hearts, cats and dogs for good behavior. Only we did these stickers for an act of behavior rather than for the whole day.

Also, crabby stickers came with taking away a book or a song at bedtime (that day) and good stickers came with an extra treat like 5 minutes extra playtime or something. Then at the end of the week if she had more good stickers than bad she got a small reward - sometimes it was a toy (her grandma buys her SO many toys! :-\) or a trip to the gym, pool etc. If she had more bad stickers then she had to put a toy in time-out for the next week and she got to pick which one.

It seemed to work quite well. She'd get good stickers for listening on the first try or being caring or well behaved at some event and she'd get bad ones for being sassy/rude (after a warning) and then a bigger bad sticker for crying and screaming. The first few weeks were bad b/c she would freak out when she got a bad sticker but then the next weeks started getting better and it got to a time where she was almost always getting good weeks.

However, we have stopped that now b/c her dad has a different idea for the new year and in this interim time, i can tell that her behavior is getting worse. So, I think we maybe made a mistake for stopping.....But good luck! I definitely agree that consistency works. =)

Stay consistent on time outs, and as hard as it is try to NOT react. Calmly pick her up and put her in her room. And dont allow her out until she calms completely ie: no throwing things etc. You can try the book 123 magic. It emphasizes no talking/reasoning with them. It just aggravates the situation more because they really dont understand like we think they do.
I'd also try a reward chart. For no tantrums, hitting etc for the whole day let her put a sticker on the chart and maybe get a small little prise, piece of candy etc. Then if she makes it a couple days a bigger prize. She's pretty young to go a week. She sounds just like my 2.5 yr old, but less extreme lol We've been battling for over a year now. It has gotten better, it will pass!

It seems she craves attention, whatever form you give it, especially now that some has been diverted to #2. Can you take just-her time daily (no #2, no distractions) -- even 5-15 minutes would seem hours to her -- maybe she can come up with that just-her-time activity to seem more special?

For me, the only thing that works best is discipline without emotion. I cannot always do this but it does work each time I can:) I simply say, "You are not allowed to do XXX, so go to your room." Then, I put them on the bed, tell them to "think about what went wrong" and leave. The "time" doesn't start until there is silence, which I continue to chant like a computer through the closed door (Smile!). I don't talk too much with my son (3 yrs) afterward as he's not ready like my daughter to talk together about what her ideas to do/avoid to not have situation (sometimes but not mostly), but no positive hugs, no negative frustration, just "that's it and let's go on." By not giving an emotional reaction, I take my feelings out of the equation, so no emotional attention good or bad, and by not touching while in timeout and talking, I can also take all good or bad physical attention out of the equation.

Good luck:)

3 is tough. For a child with a new baby sibling, it can be doubly tough. For our family, 3 was much more difficult than 2 for both children. (MUCH!)

I like "Positive Discipline for Preschoolers" by Jane Nelson.

Mary Sheedy Kurcinka has several good books. See "Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles" and possibly "Raising your spirited Child."

I also like "How to Behave So Your Preschooler Will, Too!" by Sal Severe.

Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish have two classics that may be helpful,
although it's not specifically written for preschoolers. But they are good to have on the shelf - sooner or later, they *will* be useful.
"How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk"
and "Siblings without Rivalry"

I only read the first three lines and have stopped reading.
Clearly you have learned that all the things you have tried did not work.
Perhaps you're not aware that DISCIPLINE does not mean punishment.
It means TEACHING.
You've already said you don't want condemnation or criticism for spanking. OK. I won't criticize or condemn you.
But you've have seen/learned, apparently, that these things do not work
any better than the various other things you have tried.
I may get back later.
Probably won't need to.
The smart moms here will explain to you what needs to be done.
Poor kid. She hasn't had a chance to learn anything
because mom's been busy punishing her instead or teaching her.
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THE HAPPIEST TODDLER ON THE BLOCK
HOW TO TALK SO KIDS WILL LISTEN . . .
MAGIC 1-2-3
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" . . the root of the problem . . . "
She's 3. She's developing normally.
Re-read Peg M.'s post.