Is This Really Normal????

For some children it is normal. pick a consequence of his actions and apply it consistently and firmly using a no nonsense tone of voice. You husband too. If he sees you are frustrated it will frustrate him. He needs you to be the steady one. Don't give in and don't give up. he needs you to help him control his feelings. Talk to him. What is missing or different that upsets him. Help him understand what he is feeling and that it is okay to feel emotions but he has to understand that there are ways to express himself that are more appropriate then let him see you use the behavior that you want him to use. When you are upset with him, sit him down or play with him while you talk it over. He is a bright boy. He will understand when you talk it over with him. But be firm and consistent. Apply the consequence at the moment and don't wait until time has passed before he gets his time out. Stick with it.

Although this may be a phase, it is bad behavior. There is no line there. I feel too often bad behavior is allowed by calling it a phase. I have a daughter who at 2.5 would bite. (Just her older sisters thank God) But in any case, discipline is a MUST. Every time. And it needs to be the same to be effective. If you put him in time out today, then taking toys away tomorrow won't be effective. I put soap in my girls' mouths when they back talked and it worked so well that I did it for all bad behavior. I really only had to mention "soap" and they'd stop whatever behavior they were displaying. Also, if you use the time out method, try making him stand with his face in the corner. That also worked very well for my girls. They couldn't see what was going on. I think it's more punishment than sitting on the couch in the middle of everything going on in the house. And being sent to their room is no punishment really. I wish someone would send me to my room from time to time. Punishment is supposed to suck. This is normal behavior for a 3 year old little boy, but don't let that keep you from disciplining him. If you don't it won't stop. And there's nothing worse than watching a 6 year old hit her mom and dad and them just accepting it. (saw that just the other day w/ my daughter's friend) Good luck and keep on it. I know it can be hard especially with a little one to take care of as well. Just stay consistant and be firm.

Have you tried swatting his hands everytime he hits anybody? You don't need to for very long. Both you and your husdand need to agree. If he hits his dad then dad needs to swat him and tell him that if does it again to anyone he will be swated and have to spend time in bed. Then when he hits the next person then you need to follow through with what you told him even if in an hour he hits someone else. After a few times he will learn. If he brings his hand back to hit someone raise you voice and tell him if he hits he will get swatted back and get sent to bed. After a few tries to hit someone else and you raise your voice then swat him and send him to his room. A ventually you just reminding him of the concenqents of his action he will stop in his tracks. So you don't think that I'm wackie. I raised 3 boys and have 6 grandsons & 2 granddaughters. It worked on them so maybe its worth a try. When my boys were growing up I gave them what they called the evil eye and snaped my fingers and they knew they were in trouble. My sons are 37, 36 and 34 now and two of the three are still afraid of me. Hope this helps. Good luck. Let me know if you try this or not.

He needs some discipline now before it is too late. I'll be honest, time outs don't work for a lot of kids. I remember my first would do the punishable offense, and then take himself to time out because in his mind, "it was worth it." So, the punishment may have to be much harsher. Take away whatever he values the most, and be very firm. You can't have him doing these sorts of things. This could be bad long term. The longer you wait to pull in the reins, the harder it will be. I recommend you read books by John Rosemond. It changed my life and my stubborn and smart oldest.

No doubt your son is a good kid. He just HAS to learn not to hit. He doesn't hit his sister right now, but I wouldn't trust that he will always be on his best behavior with her. THis is NOT normal behavior for a three year old. Maybe a 20 month to 2 year old, but not this late in the game.

You want to have a child that other people want to be around don't you? It will seriously be a couple really hard weeks til he knows you are not a force to be reckoned with. Read the Rosemond books or buy a DVD if time is short. Empower yourself as his parent. You will be rough on him, because you love him and you want other people to see what you see in him.

Our discipline strategy is this:

1. For a first offence, remove from situation and require an apology.
2. At this time, a SPECIFIC warning about consequences if it happens again. State the OFFENSE, the CONSEQUENCE, and DURATION. For example, "If you do it again to anyone anywhere then I am taking away these toys for one week."
3. Follow though consistently.
4. Each time it happens, increase the CONSEQUENCES.

Rarely do I even have to follow through. I think our daughter gets that we mean business and our househild is very peaceful with very little punishment. Once you show them once or twice, they get the message that Mom and Dad mean what they say. In our house, any physical behavior is put down immediately. If she hits or throws something, I take her by the hand, carry her if necessary, and plop her unceremoniously in the guest room (no toys). If we are playing somewhere, we leave. Now the first time she ever does it, I tell her the consequence for doing it again. "If you do it again to anyone anywhere then I am taking away these toys for one week." I actually usually threaten to take away ALL of her movies, but have never had to act on it. Thank goodness, because that would be more punishment for me :) but is significant to her.

I don't like when people say "phase" because it implies your child will grow out of it. Not true. Your child will not stop unless you stop him. Now, he will probebly find some other way to act out - kids this age like to assert their power and dominance. The part that is a phase is: he is trying something new to run the show, he is testing his boundries. For instance, with my four year old, it is telling people that they have to do everything "her way." We quickly stopped the foot stomping and the screaming "no" when she doesn't get her way. Now we are on to negotiation - she is very creative in arguing her point and why she SHOULD be in charge of everyone else. Usually, I can live with that as long as she isn't bullying with her words. It is often just a matter of replacing an undesirable beahvior with a more acceptable one.

In your case, the phase is exhibiting itself with yelling and hitting. He needs to learn to express himself without the hitting. So the power struggle itself will probably continue in some form - but the violence must stop. I know that it seems easier said than done, but I think you simply must not tolerate it. I have a four year old and a young infant, so I know it is tough. But you need to be strict and consistent.

I think he probably feels really bad when he acts this way. Imagine how bad he would feel (and you too) if he acted out with his sister that way. You really need to jump on this and help him deal with how he is feeling because as disruptive as it is for you, it is also pretty hard on him.

I suggest finding a quiet peaceful time with him and discussing your plan with him - "I don't like how you are acting when you get angry. It is okay that you get angry, but you may not yell and may not hit. If you do, this is what will happen. Do you understand?" Then, follow through. Maybe use a book or movie as a jumping off point to discuss it. When it does happen, after you punish, discuss what he could have done differently. I suspect he is searching for a way to communicate and can't find the right words or behaviors. Give him ideas. When you got mad, maybe you should have said, "Mommy, I am frustrated because..."

Just remeber, if you want him to use words to express his anger, YOU need to be willing to hear him and talk to him. If he gets angry, he should understand he is allowed to be. That doesn't necessarily mean he will get his way, it just means that you will listen and try to help him feel better. You mentioned that you get easily frustrated. Try to make a consious effort to model good behavior for him. I assume that you don't hit when you get mad, but maybe your words, volume or tone are implying it is okay to act out. I get very short tempered with my daughter, especialy now with the baby in our house. What helps me is to focus on talking in an overly calm voice, really quiet and slow. This exageration helps me calm down. And sometimes, I do take a time out - I tell my daughter, "I feel really angry at you right now, I suggest that you give me a few minutes alone to calm down." It doesn't always work (often it does), but I am trying to show her how I want her to behave.

Hope this helps. Good luck.

when my daughter was three I had it out with her for 2.5 HOURS over taking the paper inside the house. I know about what you are going through. She has had such bad tantrums that she has thrown up..in public...at a mall...after crying about leaving for 45 minutes. This is normal, if really frustrating. What may help is setting up some parameters BEFORE you do the activity so that he knows what he can do and what his limits are. Explain during a queit moment what is expected of him and what will happen if he does the wrong thing. Make a play where you play him and he shows you what to do correctly. When he behaves pour on the prasie and ask the rest of your family to praise hims as well. When he does the worng behavior, do exactly what you say you're going to do and don't veer off. That way he knows what to expect. Make that punishment appropriate to the situation. This way as time goes on, he'll know that you aren't going to take certain things. It takes a while, believe me...but it will get results. My daughter ain't perfect, but there are certain things she knows not to do. Also, perhaps you need to fine tune what you're doing. WHen is he behaving badly? Is he sleepy, tired, hungry, in the morning, involved in something. I used to count down for my child when we were at the playground to give her the heads up so she wouldn't be so upset. That worked more often than not.

All of this being said, regardless of what age, how sleepy or anything, now is a time to start training good behavior no matter what's happening. It is not easy at all. It gets better and then worse again, and then better...you get the picture. You will make it through and you know what to do, even if the front of your brain doesn't know it yet. Good Luck!

It seems to me that kids "read" their parents' emotions. If you are frazzled, so is he.
You must be consistent. If he hits, he gets time out. (My son spent a lot of time in time out, but he eventually got the message.) If you are visiting and he hits, he gets time out or you just leave. That - yes leaving immediately - makes a huge impression especially if he is somewhere fun.
Does your son have any time with just you? They all need individual mommy time. He could just need a few minutes of your undivided attention (when he's not in trouble).
YMMV
LBC

I liked S.T.'s discipline approach; it's also worth looking into possible food allergies. I would add only one thing, and that is to take a look around and see if your son ever is exposed to anybody hitting another person. Children often imitate what they see.

Years ago, a friend's son started whaling the living daylights out of my daughter. They were both three at the time. It turned out my friend was dealing with domestic violence at home; her son had watched Daddy slug Mommy. I don't know if your son is in day care or whatever, but it's just a thought.

Hi J.!
I'd say you need to nip this in the bud or you might end up with a bully on your hands. Personally, my son wasn't a hitter, but my niece was. Her mom but her in a "naughty chair" for a few minutes, explain to her why she was there, get her to say she was sorry (no yelling), then she could get up. Believe me my niece spent a lot of time in the "naughty chair" the first few days, but it got better. The hitting stopped (I think because she was tired of the chair).
Good Luck!!

Hi
You need to be consistent with dicipline. A time out chair, nose to the wall, a place to sit him down and give him a time out for three minutes. Always give the time out as old as the child. But, all dicipline has to be consistent with you and your husband, also the grandparent's home too. I am a Mother of five adult children, and six grandchildren. I taught prek/kindergarten and ended up to be a mental health social worker before becoming disabled with several auto immune illnesses. My training was in special education and working with all sorts of family's and children.

I remember my daughter got that way, although maybe not so serious- but she was trying to hit a bit (didn't hurt), not listening, things like that. Not sure what age it was, but probably pretty darn close in age as your son. Like you, I had tried many different things for discipline. Nothing seemed to work! I did however, resort to throwing away toys "if you don't stop, I will throw this toy away", and if she didn't...I REALLY threw the toy in the garbage, in front of her. That really got her. She did start to shape up then. I of course didn't throw away anything that was important, and went for those old mcdonald toys that were ready to be tossed out anyways, the things no one plays with- but it upset her all the same. Also, I began to notice a pattern with this behavior. She went through this during winter months when we were in AK, and it seemed that when she started behaving this way, it was because she was getting bored. We invested in that v-smile game system for her, and stopped the bad behavior! (I know, sounds like I was rewarding her, but really the bahvior ended). When I made more efforts to plan fun things and keep her busy, she wouldn't act that way. Hope something in this helped!
K.

Unfortunately, yes, it is normal with some kids. You may want to take him to the doctor to make sure there isn't a chemical imbalance or something like that. What you are doing is the best thing you can do. There must be consequences for his actions, and you are choosing the right ones. And the time outs ARE just as much for you as they are for him, if only to keep you sanity. LOL. Try talking to him, too. He understands more than you think. Take him to the park, let him expend some of his energy. See if you can't get some play dates set up, but explain to him his behavior must be good.

Yes it is very normal. My 3 year old is going through some of the same things. Stomping her feet, hitting, yelling, talking back. Sounds very familiar. The other day she refused to help pick up her room so after about the 5th time of telling us no she wasnt going to do it we took a trash bag into her room and put all of her toys on the floor in it and told her she would have to earn them back. A few days later she came to us and asked where her toys were that she wanted to put them away now. We took the bag into her room and she then put all of her toys away without any help and with little direction. That seemed to work pretty well. Take something away that he really likes and tell him that until he is nice he wont get it back. Time outs dont seem to work real well with us but the trash bag thing sure did.

J.,
It's normal for kids to change as they grow, but this seems a bit over the top to me. I found that "torturous threes" were worse than "terrible twos" HA! But there's hope, once you find the trigger for his behavior. We found that our son was sensitive to RED DYE! The ingestion of it made him, hateful, defiant, throw tantrums etc. We found this out when he was about 4, in preschool. I had been letting him have red Koolaid & foods that contained Red Dye & Annatto (same thing as red dye). Then he got a cough and I was giving him Cherry cough medicine morning, noon & night. He became almost violent at school, hitting his teacher and being aggressive/defiant. He would tantrum at the slightest disagreement. The teacher is the one who sat down with us to determine if he was ingesting something that might trigger this. Luckily, she had first hand experience with RED DYE, as her own daughter had been 'allergic' to it. If you will recall, years ago they stopped making red M&Ms, and you couldn't find the bright red cherries.... its because of the red dye issue. Apparently they have thrown all that by the wayside,even though - especially children - are still having reactions!
Take inventory of what your son is eating. Exclude red dye products for about a week and see if it helps. Trust me it's worth a try. ( here are some foods you don't think would have red dye, but they do: Cheddar Goldfish, some oatmeal cookies, wheat thins, some orange colored juices, some chocolate foods, candy corn,most purple or grape flavored products unless they are 100% juice. look for ANNATTO, its red dye. Motrin & Tylenol both offer dye free products, as does Benedryl. There are cough meds that do not contain dyes or sugars -- may not taste great but get the job done without dye side effects)
You might also take issue with the sugar content in his food. My oldest daughter had a similar reaction to sugar...

Also, remain consisent in your discipline. Consistency is the key. He keeps doing the same thing 'an hour later' to see what YOUR limits are. Kids are ingenious...but you must be the adult and out last his tests.The minute you give in, you loose your credibility. Stand tough. You can do it! and a time out for yourself is not a bad idea. I have told my son, while he is on the "Thinking mat"-- for the same number of minutes as he is old (6 minutes for a 6 year old) That Mom needs to go and sit down for a few minutes too, to think about what has happened and calm myself. Children need to see our example of 'how to calm down'. If we're screaming, slamming things and throwing our own fit, that doesn't example the tools for calming that we want them to use. Kids mirror what they see. More is caught than is taught. I'm not telling you these things will be easy. But I am telling you they helped us. Good luck, you & your situation are in my prayers.

Unfortunatley yes, its probably a phase. He is also acting out of jealousy over the new baby. He wants mommy and daddys attention...all the time. Positive or negative. If he is in a daycare then he could also be picking up this behaviour from other kids.
Just continue w/ correcting his behaviour to teach him whats acceptable and whats not and keep up w/ the time outs. It does seem endless, and yes he will do it over and over again an hour later. BUT if you just let him act that way then it wont be a phase it will be how he will continue to act when he is 4, 6, 10..... He will think its ok. And its NOT! I have a 3yr old as well and as we would never allow her to hit us, she does sass and tell us no and pick on her brother endlessly. She is continuing her terrible 2 stage well into the 3's. Sometimes I fear it will never end and I too get tired of telling her over and over to not do this or not do that when I know she knows better. At age 3 kids are still developing that impulse control and learning to think ahead to the consequences of their actions. The bad part for me is that I have a 2yr old going right behind my 3yr old doing the same thing, double trouble. Good luck.

Hello J.

My prayers are with you and your family. Please consider prayer first and foremost. Seek GOD and pray for that spirit to be remove from your child. Second Monotor everything that he is watching on TV and also if he is playing those computer games and or play station games he should be ween from watching or play any games with violence in them. Thirdly seek councel for your family. Be blessed

A.

Please pick up the book "How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen And How To Listen So Your Kids Will Talk" also Siblings Without Rivalry, either at the library or bookstore.

They use gentle, EFFECTIVE ways of dealing with behavior that teach the child how to behave positively.

For that age and hitting, see if you can get stickers that are name tag size and write "hands are for hugging, not hitting" on it and stick it on everyone.(or simply NO Hitting) He has impulse control, and it will help remind him, he'll understand it and be interested in it.

Definitely remove him from the area if he hits. Tell him it is unacceptable behavior. But remember to validate his feelings "it made you angry that happened' Perhaps come up with a 'rules' list for your house that you refer to.

Encourage positive behavior. Perhaps tell him what he CAN do when he's angry (or frustrated or sad) He can pound play dough, draw how he feels, go outside and run around the house, go to his room and scream into a pillow, punch a pillow, etc

He can recieve marbles every time he makes a good behavior choice and when his glass of marbles fills up, perhaps he gets a cool toy or a favorite outing to the science museum.

Normal? Sometimes. It's developmentally expected, not every kid does this, but it's not abnormal.

Good luck!

Make time to read "Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child" by Robert J. Mackenzie. It's an easy read, especially if you find yourself relating to what he's saying and nodding after almost every word, as I did with my 3.5 yr-old.

Good luck.

Hi J.,

Dr. Katharine Leslie is a Parent educator on parent-child relationships and behavioral symptons in a child.

Write her an e-mail and tell her the symptoms of your child and see what she says.

____@____.com

Good luck. Hope she can help. D.

Search on the internet for Kevin Leman books. He has some very good books about raising all kinds of children, marriage, teens, etc. I just order one that I saw on the channel 4 news this morning. Title:
"Have a New Kid by Friday: How to Change you Child's Attitude, Behavior & Character in 5 Days" I am waiting for my book. But from the information given by the author and a psychologist, our response to our children's behavior is what keeps the bad or negative behavior going. They spoke with a mother who had read the book and implemented some of the suggestions. She says that her children still act out at times but not as bad as before she began to do some of the things suggested. Good luck.

HI J.!
I think I wrote almost the same email to Mamasource about 3 months ago. My son is a DEAR and is almost 4...I too get easily frustrated and just didn't know where my little prince had gone. SO HARD SO HARD! I'll have to forward you an email that a good friend sent to me - If you'd like it, give me your personal email and I'll send it off. Also, I hear the book "The Secret" is good - I haven't yet gotten it. I hear it helps keep up the postive attitude. What I do now (okay, what I TRY to do now) is NOT to lose my patience/raise my voice - because I find that if I raise my voice and "lose it", it really ruins MY day - I end up deliberating about the whole event for days and it just really brings me (and my poor husband who has to hear about it when he gets home) down. I start by telling my son that I'm starting to lose my patience...I find that not only does this warn him of my escalating annoyance :-) but also seems to help diffuse my anger and to help me sort of talk it out. I try and do a lot of explaining - that's just the best way with our son - he's very into the whys of everything. SO - I also will point out when he's frustrated (like with a toy or a situation) and then try and get him to understand that we BOTH get frustrated, etc. Bottom line though - it's TOUGH! I hear it's really tough with the smarter ones :-) cuz they just want to know everything and test everything! I heard also that the more comfortable they are with you, the more they test you and push your buttons. That doesn't make it any easier, I know! I often do just have to leave the room...and give myself a time out of sorts (if he's being safe etc). We have a 13 month old - so it sounds like we've got similar situations. Seems like it took a little time for him to "act out" with her too. Just to let you know, our Little Man IS coming back and was a star JUST about every day last week. We also do a sticker chart...with one of the rows being "good listening", etc...with a reward at the end of the row being something he chooses (within reason of course!).
I hope this long-winded message helped! Let me know if you have any follow-ups!
Good luck! Remember, he is your little man of your dreams and LOVES YOU TOO!!!!!
J.

Wow, J.,

I feel like I could have written what you just wrote about my own situation recently. I will tell you my 3 1/2 year old has better days now that I have found a couple outlets for his energy and some "breaks" for me. I think you are right about taking a "time out" for yourself. That probably would help you as it helps me. I don't know what your financial resources are like but if you can afford it I would try to join the YMCA or take a class where you can have some "me" time. I find I can have a lot more patience with him when I get rest. I don't know about you, but I am still not getting the best sleep I can get with having a 3 1/2 yr old and a 10 month old. That makes me shorter tempered. I was just talking with my hubby last night about how upset I feel at how easily I lose my temper lately. Plus, potty training with my older son and teething with my younger one makes for crankiness all around. In other words, I guess I'm saying try to cut yourself some slack and find some ways to relax. He might be picking up on tension and acting out on that. I am pretty sure that is what goes on around here. Another thing that helps us is to get him more involved with "helping"
daddy. They planted a vegetable garden together yesterday evening and we praised his good work, which in turn made him act more mature and sweeter. It's all connected. Good luck!! It will get better. Just remember to tell him you love him at the end of the day and give him extra mommy cuddle time even when he is yanking your everlasting nerve. :) I should say, especially after a hard day it is good to reassure him of that love. I usually end up saying, "even when mommy gets upset with you I still love you" and lately I have started saying "it makes mama smile when you listen" and he is very concerned about seeing me smile so it helps (though not always).

All the best,
S.

It's normal for kids to act up at that age, as they try to separate from their parents and test their limits. It's important to have clear rules and consequences set up with them, and positive consequences for good behavior as well, and for you to have some time away from him so you can effectively deal with his behavior. You could also take a look at his sleep routines; sometimes kids give up their nap at that age and aren't really ready to, which can cause aggression.
My son is 4 1/2 now, which is a little better than 3 1/2 but still trying. When he was 3, he started being very rough and extremely rude. I had always used time-out before and it had worked great, but suddenly it didn't work so well any more. I sent him to his room, I tried reasoning with him, I yelled, nothing seemed to work. Then I finally realized that part of him was just trying to get a rise out of me. I started a sticker chart so we could focus on positive behavior rather than his negative ones. I chose to focus on being polite since his rude talk was bothering me the most and I figured that most of his bad behavior stemmed from his bad attitude. He could earn 1 sticker for being polite before his nap and one sticker for after nap. Each sticker was worth 30 min of TV/movie time before bed. That's what finally worked for him. I found the reinforcer that he would work for-TV. I think that's the key-finding what he'll work for and focusing on the positive behavior, plus with the chart he knew exactly what the rules were and when he broke them HE lost the sticker it wasn't just mommy being random, it was all his responsibility and he was earning something rather than losing something.
Also I changed the focus to correct behavior- what should you do instead of what you're doing wrong. ex:" I know you don't want to hurt your Grandpa, but when you hit him it hurts him. We use gentle hands when we touch people" then show him how to touch gently, have him practice on you and then apologize and show his gentle hands to his Grandpa. That way he learns the real life consequences of his actions (he may hurt his Grnadpa) and what he should be doing(gentle hands). Then enforce whatever consequence you have set up (time out, no TV, both ...).
I also tried to get myself out more. When he started PreK that year (after he got used to it) that really helped us both. He had more time with friends and I had some time to decompress.
Spending more time outdoors ( and/or at places that he could run, jump, go nuts) and with his friends helped as well.
During that year, we also tried giving up his nap. It was the most horrible Thanksgiving ever! He was incredibly rude and outright mean, even to his favorite Grandma. I couldn't believe how awful he was! He was hitting too. I started insisting on nap again and he settled down after a few days. He still takes naps at least 4 days a week even though none of his friends do anymore. His body just isn't ready to give up the naps yet.
I hope this helps. Whatever you do, it's going to take conviction on your part to see it through. Keep in mind that when you start a new rule or disciplinary action that things can get worse for a few days before they get better. If you stick to the rules and consequences that you set, it should sink in (although not always as quickly as you would like). Discipline is teaching our kids how to behave in our society, which is a lifelong process. Expect that he's going to test you these days and be prepared so you're less likely to fly off the handle. Good luck. This too shall pass.

It's normal for a child to test parental limits at this age.Some children do this more agressively than others.If you don't nip this behavior in the bud, you will have many difficult years ahead.Whatever discipline method you use, stick with it and be consistent. That's the most important thing.Also watch Super Nanny. She can turn around even the brattiest kids!

No J. this is not normal behavior. If he is back to doing the same things an hour later, then his punishment is not lasting long enough to be effective. If you are becoming frustrated trying to maintain discipline possibly your husband can assist in this effort. This combined effort may make a difference.

I had a rule for my children that they could easily understand. The rule was this: In our home we do not hurt any person, any animal, or anything. This rule was strickly enforced. You must discipline your child. Whatever way you choose to enforce the rule, be consistent. Act everytime the rule is broken. Children learn quickly if you are consistent. AF

3.5 years of age is one of the toughest ages, in my opinion. Much worse than 2.5 yo. You might find it really helpful and encouraging to read "Your Three Year Old" by Louise Bates Ames. I expect you'll be amazed at how this woman can so accurately describe your son. But most of all, it will help you identify what is normal and what really needs attention.

I can tell you than when your son turns 4, he will be delightful. I promise.

As for discipline, it's hard work, but I found that staying on top of them at that age and keeping them really close was the best solution.

J.,
It sounds like you are disciplining and a lot of people gave you more advice about that and you can keep going down that road more to see if it helps but I have been exactly where you are with my now 9 year old. At three he became a holy terror and I literally spanked him every day for his ugliness to his older brother and his awful mouth. Well, finally at the age of 7, he developed other symptoms as well as continuing this awful cycle and we found out he was allergic to peanuts and soy. Soy makes him extremely aggressive and unable to concentrate, we have come to find out. I just wanted to share this with you b/c I do not want you to go years like we did if you do not have to. A mom knows when it is more than just "a phase". I knew something was wrong but I got the same advice and no help. We saw a regular allergist, Dr. Huber, in Waynesboro, VA that happened to be really good w/ children as well that did the scratch test on his back (62 scratches) and found out he was allergic to 42 things (food and outdoor allergies). He also is allergic to raw carrots, strawberries, kiwi, watermelon. All the things I had been feeding him. No wonder he was so mad all the time. he felt awful!
I hope this helps and I wish you the best.
A.

I can't say what's normal for your child. But yes, some of the behavior could be a quest for attention as the new sibling becomes more than just a blob in Mommy's arms. Don't worry about whether it's a phase or bad behavior. It's both. Bad behavior is unacceptable no matter what the underlying reason. You sound like you're on the right track in dealing with it, but just remember that you must be persistant. Bad behavior won't go away in a day, a week, or even a year. A combination of punishment and motivation is the key. Praise him for any positive behavior, ignore as many minor infractions as possible (so as not to give attention to unwanted behaviors) and deal directly and consistently with behavior that cannot be tolerated.

I have to say I do think it is normal. My son will be 4 10/22 and I am having the same problems. Last week he hit my husband so hard in the eye, his face was scratched and bruised for an entire week. It looked like a hockey injury.

I have 3 other kids (14,7,5), but he is the youngest and he has started bothering (teasing and hitting) all the other kids. I swear just a few months ago he was the nicest little guy. I think my son is just trying to find his independence..growing pains. I also take away toys for a few hours, take away desserts, do time outs, etc.

I also talk to him about what it means to be in a family and how he should treat his parents and siblings, while also mentioning that he could go to another family where everyone likes to hit each other if he really wants to (although we'll miss him, we will understand his decision), that usually works as a last resort.;-)

M.

hi breanna
well my friend it could be a phase but tell him everytime he raises his voice u will too everytime he hits u will hit him back but make it harder than what he does so he knows it bad i had to do that with one of my children as well but if he hits anyone plz tell them to tell u immediately or it will not work but plz try and give him some thing to eat and drink when you are feeding the baby so he feels included hope that helps

Hello J.. I am a licensed Family Home Daycare Provider who has 6 Pre-Schoolers in our program for about 10 hours a day. We also have 4 infants and 2 toddlers in our daycare. Can You imagine trying to keep order in our home.

Well it is possible. Althougth all children two-five have changes in behavior it does not mean we allow them to run wild and behave agressively. I commend you for seeking out help.

It is not acceptable for boys to be agressive just because they are Boys. We use the "Positive Discipline Guidelines" from Dr. Jane Nelsen, in our day care. We help children develop "Self Control" while building their self Esteem and a desire to be productive helpers. It does work over time and you must be disciplined enought not to give up too soon. Your spouse and anyone who influences your child all have to be in agreement that you will handle his behavior in the same way. Consistancy is key to success.

You can get more FREE information at www.PositiveDiscipline.com Dr. Jane Nelsen is the Author of "Positive Discipline for Pre-Schoolers" this book is a great resource for parents. Some of the parents we serve have gotten a copy from their local library and/or Amazon.com and they love the book. We hope this is helpful to you.

You may contact us by e-mail at ____@____.com Best Wishes, V.

Ah! The terrible threes. My son was so horrible at three I would drop him off at preschool and go home and cry because I was sure I had screwed up so badly he became a monster.

Be firm. Stick with your rules. Take care of yourself so you can be extra patient. Find the times you can reward and praise him. He's just figuring out the world, you and his new baby sister.

My advice is to consult a professional about your son's behavior. There are many reasons that a child can exhibit such behavior. But often the source of bad behavior is a misperception the child has about his surroundings. There are counselors and child development specialists who would be happy to help and provide some guidance about how to encourage positive traits in your child. Good luck!

Good Day:

I am not an expert or anything but all the responses you have recieved is not bad but I think one minor detail they left out. You don't want to reward your child for bad behavior however, it might be due to jealousy. There needs to be special attention (and please by no means do i mean give it all to him) however, he needs to understand that he is no longer the baby of the family yet he can still have "special time" with his parents without the daughter. When you see that he is doing well, there needs to be an aknowledgement - reinforce "good" behavior. My daughter is jealous of her cousin (we all live together) however, I have made a special day for just her and i to go out and do anything she wishes. I call this mother and daughter day. I understand that I have to validate her and let her know that she is special even in the presence of her cousin, my sister and her husband. It has been very tough but I believe with time, he will begin to understand that he is equally important to you as his sister is. Don't give up! This is the time where he needs you the most. Giving up will give him the message that you "don't" care. I hope this helps.

J.,

First of all, my son is doing the EXACT same thing, you're not alone and it's normal, as normal goes. They say the terrible twos but what they mean are the HORRIBLE, AWFUL, NO GOOD THREES!! My son hits, throws tantrums I had only ever heard of, and this coming from a child, where other parents will be in awe, he has always been calm, polite, never cries, tells the babysitter when it's time to go to bed and stop reading books. My son did most of this himself, I would like to take credit but have no reason too, it was just his personality and now I want it back. What I have figured out, via other moms, my doctor, etc, is this is normal to a degree. Now that you don't feel so bad, here's what I found is helping. When he throws a down right fit, I make sure he's somewhere save, the floor, etc, or not in company of stranger (if in the bank, we go to the car, etc) and I ignore him. Let him scream if he wants, as long as he doesn't hurt himself. I don't say anything, because attention is attention whether good or bad and it will keep the behavior going. For the hitting/biting, he is immediately put in time-out, which has moved from a chair to the floor because he likes to try to throw himself off the chair in a rant. We also completely ignore him during timeout and then afterwards, tell him what he did wrong. If he gets up and tries to leave, we pick him up silently, or walk him by hand back and then leave again, not looking at him or anything. This has fairly quickly decreased the behavior, it's not gone, but it's less severe and less often. Feel free to contact me if you want any more ideas or if you just want someone to talk to. Good luck and remember, all too soon they'll be all grown up and we'll miss these days!!

Hello J., my daughter is 4-1/2 and sometime aroung 3-1/2 her behavior started to change. Distressed, I talked with the director at her school and asked, "What the heck is happening to my sweet child?" Although my daughter has not had a serious problem with hitting, the attitude became more aggressive, whiny and negative. I've learned that a lot of what your son is going through is a phase, but you have to discipline and be very consistent. Now I don't know if your son is in daycare/child care setting. The aggressive behavior of my daughter was definetly influenced by her peers at preschool. At home, aggression and negative behavior is not present. When having problems with my daughter, many times I get down to her eye level and speak to her sternly and lovingly letting her know that her behavior is unacceptable and "I don't like it!". Also, I ask her why she is acting in that matter, if any of her "friends" act that way, how she is feeling, etc. I'm trying to understand where she is coming from and why. After punishing and talking with her, I try and encourage good, positive behavior. I give her stickers or let her help me with something giving her praise for good behavior and helping. Depending on the circumstances, I'll promise to do or give her something very special on the weekend for doing so well. But I also let her know that although I'm doing something special, she is "suppose" to be on her best behavior all the times, so don't expect rewards all of the time. I have definetley seen some positive changes, but it is a constent work in progress. I hope some of this helps.

Normal no but common yes, I would suggest you have him evaluated because I went through the same thing with my son
and I too was frustrated until I sought help. After having him evaluated I was at pleased with the out come because I had finally gotten to the point that I was the one who was going to crack. Afterwards I felt much better because I now knew that he was what they called oppositional defiance and they do have treatments for this but I found the best treatment was to ignore my son and he soon understood that his bad behavior was not going to warrant my attention rather it was good attention or bad.
Good Luck and God Bless

When your son hits anyone, immediately grab him, hold him and say, "I know you're upset. BUT, you cannot hit. Mommy and daddy don't hit you and you don't hit mommy and daddy. Understand." Kiss him and let him go.

In an hour if this happens do the same thing. He has to learn that you love him and there is no reason for anger and hitting from him.

N. H.

My son loved his sister to bits when she was born, and still does. But when she got to be around 6 months old he started acting up a lot. I think it's probably because she became mobile and was more of a "threat" to him. She could get his toys, demanded more attention, and worst of all - she started getting praise for doing things... like crawling. Occasionally he still has a hard time when she is praised. I've heard it called the 'dethroning of the first born" It applies at our house.

Well, it sounds like my exact story except my son is 4 1/2 and it was his grandfather that he kicked. I have tried time outs, sending to bed without supper (which backfired when he woke hungry and I took him something to be eaten alone in his room LOL He said he was just like Max in Where the Wild things are and asked to be sent to eat in his room everynight!) We stopped spanking about 6 months ago because it was becoming a too frequent occurance. But I feel so much like spanking again.
I finally told him that maybe he would like to go stay with Grandmommi since he didn't like me as a mommy anymore (his words) This got him thinking because he doesn't like to be away from me. I wouln't send him crying, but even the mention of it made an impression. I told him I didn't like having my feelings hurt anymore. Today he was very careful not to say hurtful things to anyone. Hopefully we have turned a corner. I talked to his teacher and she said he wasn't acting like that at school, so maybe it is isolated to home. Our 9 month old has some special needs and is delayed, so I try and give him and his 6 1/2 yr old sister individual attention when I can.
Best of luck! Know that you are not the only one!
A.

Hi J.:

I felt like I was reading about my own situation. My almost 3 1/2 year old has been acting out horribly too. I have a 5 month old, and the bad behavior started the day he was born. She loves her brother and is very kind and gentle, but has been talking back, hitting herself, SO sassy, you name it. I tend to be strict and so I didn't let her get away with anything. She's very strong willed/stubborn. Just in the last two weeks, I've seen a huge change in her behavior. Some discipline tactics I took were: washing mouth out with dove soap when she talks back (trust me, this works and doesn't hurt them - they can wash it out after 5 minutes), time outs in car seat (this one I LOVED because it gave me that time to regain my composure too....child can't go anywhere, can't touch anything...I did up to 45 minutes one time...my car is in garage too), taking away privileges that effect them (no play date, no gum). The key is being consistent - don't ever back down! You can do it! The 'troublesome twos' for me has been the threes. Also, I noticed when my daughter saw that I was frustrated, so kept doing 'those little things' that no one else saw. So for me the key was not showing my frustration - so the time outs in the car seat gave me that break to keep in control. if you keep up consistent discipline - your son will know you mean business and will get past it! T. White

J.,

I am a pre-school teacher and yes,a little of this behavior is normal but it sounds like your son has crossed the line.

How are his vocal skills? Does he express his needs and wants in words? If his vocal skills are lacking - you may want to see about getting him tested. Children often express their selves through agressive behavior if they are unable to vocalize.

Hitting and hurting others is never an allowable behavior. Talk to your son about "using his words" and using "soft touches." Reward him with kind words of your own when he does use his words and/or soft touches.

You mentioned the grandfather - does he live with you? If so, when did he move in? You said you have a 9 month old also. Maybe your son thinks he is getting the short end of your attention with the baby and grandfather getting more. Plan some time for just you and your son. Make sure he gets one on one attention from you and his father.

Does he go to pre-school? Perhaps his behavior is being modeled after someone's behavior that he has seen elsewhere.

Fathers (often) want their sons to be rough and tough so this behavior does not concern your husband as much - he sees it as "boys will be boys." Perhaps dad could do some appropriate rough and tough things with your son but explain to the child that these activities are "special - just for you and daddy."

You also may want to consult your pediatrician - he/she may have other ideas for you.
Good luck!