Advise on What to Do with a 13Mo Old Who Hits

Carolyn Gatzke of Engage Parent Coaching and Education recomme nds holding his hands (so he may not hit again) and firmly saying "you may not hit".

I had the same problem with my son and used this tactic...had to do it several times, but it worked.
Good luck.

Okay so in my opinion, hitting begets hitting, and because you really don't want to HIT your child he's laughing at you. He thinks it's a game, and this is why I think the best solution for these issues is consistent stern explanation and consequences. Why teach a child it's okay to hit them to show them it's not okay? I think it's a confusing message.

With my son who started hitting when he was just about 15 months, I would hold his hands tightly and in a stern voice repeat the same thing, 'NO hitting, it's not okay and it's not nice, it hurts'. Then, I would have him give a hug and do his best to say 'sorry' to the person he hit and after a few times he started to understand that it was wrong and stopped. Words that describe why it is wrong are great for helping kids with understanding the how and why, and also developing verbal skills. Today my son will hit only when he's SUPER frustrated and it's a normal symptom of the age/stage that seems to repeat itself.

Talk to you child. People don't talk enough to their toddlers and expect them to KNOW why something is wrong without telling them why. There are great books, like 'Hands are not for Hitting' that you can read with him to teach him that it's not okay.

Your child is not sure of his emotions or what they are and he is exploring the way he works and how that affects others can be tough on our kids. Use words to explain to him he is mad/frustrated/sad/confused and that the best way to 'help Mommy, help him' is to show you (later tell you with his words) what he needs/wants. I use the word team ALL the time with my son, we're a team and we have to work together.

My son is 2.5 and can now tell me when he's happy/mad/cranky and will ask me if I'm 'cranky' when he's having fun and I'm not enjoying his behavior. So, it's a work in progress, but make sure your son knows both Mommy and Daddy are the boss. Have your hubby back you up and repeat what you say and follow along with what you say. Things like 'Mommy is right that's not okay' can be huge when it comes to backing up each other and creating a team.

Good Luck!

Here are some links on "1 Year Old Discipline." Some are more helpful than others (the first 2 listed are the best):

http://www.parents.com/toddlers/development/discipline-sp...
http://www.aboutourkids.org/articles/about_discipline_hel...
http://www.babyexpert.com/Toddler/Discipline-for-1~3-year...
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=2009032420305...
http://www.askmoxie.org/2005/12/qa_aggression_i.html
http://parents.berkeley.edu/advice/toddler/discipline.html

A 1 year old is NOT going to understand the FULL ramifications of 'cause & effect" or that he has to think ahead and analyze and then problem solve a situation and/or punishment.

Cognitive ability at this age, is not fully developed yet. So, swatting him or time-outs don't work. Not age appropriate. It may work with pets, but not a 1 year old baby. My son, also laughed when Daddy would scold him for hitting. That's all he understood, that it was funny and how come daddy's face got all scrunched up and his voice got gruff sounding? To a 1 year old, they "see" things differently... not understanding a situation fully. They do NOT know what facial expressions mean, much less a person's voice innuendos, or what a 'good' or 'bad' emotion is. So we have to teach them.

I taught my kids all about what feelings and emotions mean and the 'names' for it. From the time my kids were only about 2 years old (my daughter from before 2), they could tell me if they were "happy" or "sad" or "mad" or "frustrated." It REALLY helps to get them fluent in these things as well. It makes them very articulate, emotionally and cognitively.

Also, a 1 year old has NO impulse control. (even teens don't). So they will hit again. Even 5 year olds hit. It's not a 'gesture' that will just get eradicated... but, a child's "understanding' of it will evolve and mature, per their age-set.

ALSO, a 1 year old does NOT understand "emotions" yet. So, it takes time. Teaching them. Not until at least 3 years old, will their emotions evolve to the point of "knowing" it. But not as well as adults.

Some kids this age hit, pinch, bite, and kick. It's 'normal' for this age. Its not anything personal.

Sorry, but it will not just 'stop.' But, the "phase" will change. It does pass. Both my kids went through this too. Most kids do. And now, my kids know better. There will be TONS more phases coming up, both good and not so 'cute' ones that make us cringe. LOL

All the best, hope the links helps,
Susan

Kids learn by example but sometimes they do stuff like this w/out having seen it. In my parenting class they often talk about going right up to them and re-directing their hands while at the same time saying something like "we use gentle hands". I know this may be hard if he's hitting YOU but if you can really keep your eye on him and try to see when he's about to do it and redirecting him before he hits you? And then try to have a toy for him to play with.
just an idea....much luck and it will pass, and then there will be something else!

get these books for him "Hands Are Not For Hitting" "I Can SHare" and "Mouths Are Not for Biting" and start reading him those..they worked on my son but he was a little over 2 when he started hitting..now i quote the books b/c i read them to him and they work. good luck..

My 2 year old has the same problem. I have found the best way to deal is to use my sugar sweet voice and catch his hand before it makes it to my face. I usually say 'don't hit mommy' or 'mommies like hugs!'. It seems cheezy but it takes all of the fun out of it for him. Once he realized that it isn't getting the response he wanted he moves on to something else. Sometimes he'll actually hug me! He does it because he wants attention. The earlier you can teach them to gain your attention by doing loving or kind things the better!!!!

Hi K., You are doing the right thing by slapping him on his hand, but if you ar not making him feel it, of course he's going to laugh. Discipline isn't meant to feel good, it's meant as a coinsequence for bad beavior If you have a play pen, each time he hits, and does not obey when you tll him to stop, put him in the play pen. Discipline needs to inpactful, like I'm not doing that again, if it's not then the discipline is useless. It was a rare thing for my husband to have to discipline our kids for the same thing more than once, cause he made it count. At 13 months they know what they are doing. J. L.

If he's sitting on your lap and hits you, put him down (gently but immediately) and turn your attention away from him. If he hits another child, immediately scoop him up away from that child and have him sit with you seperated from that fun activity. Just take the attention off of him, you can also couple it with a quick and simple "no hitting, it hurts." He's just looking for attention, good or bad, so if you take away the attention he should take away the behavior. I also used to say to my son "it's ok to be mad/excited/silly/sad, but it's not ok to hit" and then hold his hand down away from me if I was in a situation or place that I couldn't put him down and take my attention off of him - then at least look away so that he's not getting the eye contact and further verbal attention from me. It will go away with time and patience, just like LOTS of other frustrating behavior that is soon on it's way! Try to enjoy the fun stuff too - this age flies by!

Hi K.:
I concur with SH and Deanna. May I emphasize, that if your attempting to teach a young child not to get physical when they become frustrated,its counterproductive for you to become physical with them.It's like saying(Do as I SAY,NOT as I DO,and expecting them to comprehend that. If your son is like other toddlers his age,he doesn't have to be frustrated to hit,Little ones will hit when they are overly excited and happy as well.Your son hits,because he doesn't know how to communicate well enough to tell you what hes frustrated or excited about.Be understanding,patient and help him to communicate his feelings to you.Start with small easy words.I wish you the best J. M,

What you are describing is pretty typical. He's still pretty young now so I don't think disciplining him is the answer. From here on out, what I would suggest is, whenever he hits, take his hands and redirect them to another activity (like blocks or a toy) and say, WITHOUT MAKING EYE CONTACT WITH HIM, "We don't hit." His hitting sounds like it is an attention grabbing thing for him. You want to address this behavior without giving it the attention that he is seeking, hence the "no eye contact" rule. Trust me, if his hitting doesn't get the desired attention from you, it will eventually fade away.

Good luck!

Hitting someone who hits...not my idea of getting across that "hitting is unacceptable".

Here is what I know:

Hitting is a way to get attention, to be seen, to be heard, or to be noticed.

Give the attention that is desired. Remove the "hittee" from the area (if it is you - walk away) and say "We do not hit in this family."

Do not make a big deal of it.

Focus on the behaviour that you do want. After a few minutes love him and remind him that "we hug in this family" or "we play in this family", stuff like that. Kids learn what they live. If they live with getting attention for bad behaviour that is how they will live, hitting to get attention. If they get the attention they need through hugs, love and playing, that is what they will live.

B.
Family Wellness Coach.

You can start giving him timeouts. It's not too early. Since he's only one, give him a one minute timeout, and make him stand in the corner or sit on a timeout bench. He won't like it, and eventully he might stop the behavior that makes him get a timeout. It worked for my girls. It's one minute per year of age. Good luck!

My son started this around 12 months, stopped however at 19 months is still swatting/hitting. Not hard hitting but he still is not over it. As soon as he swats me (if I am holding him) I immediately put him down. I tell him no and that it is not ok to hit or hurt mommy or anyone else. He is getting better as he has more of a concept of consequences but it is an on going "battle" at our house. His doctor told me that it is normal for kids to do this, especially outgoing children, and to keep up on telling him that it is not ok and giving him some sort of punishment for it. We use time outs (at home & daycare) and that usually works. I know that this is the age, from 12mo - 3 yrs, where children learn what they can and cannot get away with. They are developing their own little personalities and we have as parents need to nouture and discipline constantly. I would think that your son laughs at you, and not your husband, as he doesn't think that you are serious. COntinue to be consistant with him and things will improve.

Hi K.,

My little girl is 21 months now, but used to do this too. Not often, but she did it nonetheless. In my case, I'd react to her hitting or slapping me. That is, I'd say "ouch, that hurt mommy." I responded similarly when she hit the dog. This seemed to work better than "no" b/c they have a simple understanding of what feelings are. Later on, I'd elaborate a little and say something like, "it's not nice to hit mommy/daddy/doggy, etc." And in fact, she'd rub wherever she hit me. This helped a lot.

Maybe this will also work with your son. Try it, good luck!

S.

Hi K., I think that your son is exploring and seeing what happens. He's getting a reaction from you. Rather than slapping his hand, I would say "No hitting Mommy", and put him down away from you. That way he's not getting attention for a behavior you don't want to see continued. My guess is he's scared of his Dad's tone of voice or something. Just because he cries ( and doesn't hit him) isn't necessarily a good thing.

Once your boy realizes that he gets a lot more attention for "being good", the hitting will subside.

my fourteen month old does the same thing. and my 6 and 4 year olds did that too when they were babies as well!

what i do is is i grab their hand and hold onto it then look them in the eye and calmly yet firmly say, "No hitting."

hitting them back after they hit is not a good way to show them that hitting is wrong. "monkey see, monkey do" should be changed to "baby see, baby do" because they will do it if they see you do it.

the best way to teach is by example followed by explanation.

There has to be enough of a negative consequence from you to stop the behavior. Get tougher.

K. O

My youngest used to hit, bite, and sock when he was younger. Like you I tried everything I knew to get him to stop. I was told by an elderly friend to do the action back to him. Although, this is not recommended, nor is it accepted it did work. My youngest hit his cousin on the arm, I hit him on his arm the way he hit his cousin. He stopped when he found out it really hurt, since I had hit him the same as he hit his cousin he immediately stopped. Once my youngest son came to the realization that he was hurting others, his behavior stopped. Yes, I did bite him as well, but with the same force he bit his cousins. He stopped that too. As I said, it is not recommended but it did work. The logic and reasoning is that once the child feels how he/she hurt others, the child will quit. Experience seems to work better sometimes, the recommended way is time out, being sent to their room, and often the recommendation is counseling. Saying no and meaning it is vital for parents to know when to give in and when to hold their ground. I hope this works, Good Luck!

My son is 18 months and is doing the same thing. A few days ago I began warning him that I'd put him in his crib if he did it. At first he didn't seem to care until I carried out the threat. I left him there for about 2 minutes while he cried and then when I picked him up I told him "we don't hit" in a firm voice. Since that time he's done it again but I'll immediately tell him that I'll put him in his crib and he's stopped. At 13 months-old your so may not get it but it might be worth a try.

Good luck!
~J.

My son who is 15 months went through this stage as well...in fact only recently has he stopped this. I can say that what worked for us was being consistent in telling him No in a stern tone, saying that hurts and if anyone was holding him put him down (which he did not like at all). It took some time but he either outgrew this or learned that it was an undesirable behavior. It might not be that easy for you, but that's what worked with our little guy and he hasn't hit in about 4-6 weeks. Also he recently started daycare out of home and we haven't received any reports of him hitting anyone there. Good luck!