Honest Opinions About Spanking/hitting as a Method of Discipline

Oh my gosh! People still wash their kids mouths out with soap? What about not using foul language in front of them?
I didn't read them all, but Amanda S. make the most sense. Good Luck!

I have spanked my son....regretfully, I've realized that his behavior (that he may not have fully understood) has gotten a quick reaction from me... and what happend next, he hit me back.

I don't believe that spanking is neccessary. The other parents say that their kids are still doing the things they get spanked for.
Timeout is effective if done right. My son is two (almost three) and will sit on the stairs for a timeout until I tell him he can come out. And I rarely have to use it. Now, I believe that I show him authority because when he is sitting on the stairs with no boundaries and I'm not continuously watching him, he doesn't get up and leave until I say his timeout is done.

I'm not saying my son doesn't repeat any of his timeout-getting behavior, but the behavior definately is seen less. And I don't live with the sick feeling of spanking him either.

Hi T.

If you feel against it, that is the most important piece of information you can find on the matter. Despite other's opinions or experiences, it is that sense and intuition as a mother that will guide you.
There are many resources out there to help guide you in gentle and positive discipline. A few good books (available at most libraries) are "Unconditional Parenting," "The Natural Child,"How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk," among others. I have found these books to be a great grounding tool, especially if I am finding myself frustrated and out of good discipline tactics.
Support is always helpful no matter what type of parenting decisions we make. It can be hard when family or friends question or disagree with our parenting choices. For this reason, I might suggest that you look into some parenting groups based on ideas of gentle discipline. I'm not certain what your other parenting choices are, but a great group with several area chapters is Attachment Parenting International. This group is based on the fundamentals of attachment parenting put forward by Dr. Sears (author of a lot of well known pregnancy/baby/parenting books). Basically, attached parents strive to raise their children consciously, and practice some of the basic tenets of the philosophy, such as breastfeeding, cosleeping, babywearing, responding to baby's cries, etc.
Hope some of this information helps. But remember that what is most important in all of this is what you as the parent feel is best for your child.
Best of luck to you.

Sincerely,
A.

I am the parent of two wonderful teenaged children, so I am a number of years down the line from where you are in terms of parenting. I am also a certified early education teacher who operates a family childcare business out of our home (since 1995). This means I have been fine tuning the area of dicipline for sometime now! I honestly can tell you I have never used hitting or spanking as a discipline method either with my own children (who are both honor students, one in high school and one in college) or with other people's children. Hitting teaches children things you don't want them learning. One: Fear the adults Two: It's OK for bigger people to hit little people, basically, the adult is modeling inappropriate behaviour. Three: Be sneaky, do what you want as long as you don't get caught. All of the above are the wrong things to teach young children.

Now that being said, I wish I could give you a one size fits all method of dealing with a very active 15 mo old! Of course, that's not possible. I can give you some hints however. Do all you can to keep the "nos" to a minimum, but the trash behind a locked door, move valuables up and out of the way,e tc. Get you and your child into a routine so he knows what to expect when, this is comforting to a child. Tell him ahead of time what to expect when things vary from the routine. Make sure he has plenty of opportunity to move, look for open gym programs at the local park district for example now that we're coming to the "indoor" season. Music and dancing are also excellent for appropriate energy release activities.

And then when he still misbehaves, tell yourself that discipline is learning, and he is not going to get it right without a lot of practice. Just think of all the practice he's putting into his language for example. We don't expect the first words out of a child's mouth to be completely understandable sentences, we cheer on each attempt. At this age, frequently I use distraction, moving the child onto another activity. Tantrums are often an issue at this age since he has can now conceptualize what he wants but not why he can't have it. Very frustrating! Wait out the temper tantrum, and then move on with the day. If it happens in public, calmly as you can, just leave. And God bless you. An active 15 mo old takes a ton of patience and energy, but you can deal with this without resorting to childish behaviour yourself, ie, hitting. I have dealt with many families over the years and watched their various parenting styles. The children growing up in homes where hitting was not part of the discipline "menu" have developed much better self-discipline as they grow up, and this is the goal after all.

T. -

I am against spanking. While it often fits with me emotinally (smile), it doesn't fit with me logically. I spend hour after hour trying to work with my kids on recognizing their emotions, on slowing down and processing that, and thinking of a good solution. And, when they do just react, we work on how does the other child feel? We can't hurt people, so how can we show that we're mad without hitting?

So, given all that, it makes no sense to me that I would hit them when I get mad. I, too, need to figure out a different way to communicate that I'm mad, that I didn't like what happened. I'm working on getting my kids to have self control, to assess the consequences of their actions and to reflect on those. If I don't model that, I lose them.

Also, I have really found that my kids understand natural and logical consequences. When I can find them, they work best.

The best book I've read on communicating with children (including setting limits) is How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk, but Adele Farber and Elaine Mazlisch.

Good Luck!

R.

All the people in the world can you tell you that spanking works, the research shows that it does not! I am not a "bleeding heart" but does it make any sense to you to teach your child that violence is an appropriate response to anything?! The research shows without question that spanking (called corporal punishment) is about the parents' frustration and not about teaching children right/wrong, etc. Studies have also shown that it can damage the relationship between parent and child. If someone tells you that they spanking is fine ("It worked on me, blah blah, blah") ask them to provide you with controlled scientific studies that prove it. They won't be able to because it doesn't exist. Find other ways to discipline your children.

Well T.-I applaud your ability to ask others about this topic. I think there is sooooo much violence in our culture and it is an acceptable part of our society. Despite this, I do not use violence to disipline my child or teach her that violence (hitting, bitting etc-things that toddlers/kids do cuz they don't have the language to express themselves yet)is wrong. I found that I did get so frustrated sometimes that I wanted to shake my daughter. So what I do, is walk away. When I feel so frustrated (which, thankfully gets less and less as she gets older)I just walk away, tell her I am frustrated etc.
I do have to confess that I do yell from time to time which is a type of violence. When I do and my daughter is upset, I calm down and apologize and talk to her about why I yelled , that I should use my words etc. I lot of work but I'm banking that it pays off in the end!
Good luck

I've read alot about this and am totally against any physical disipline. and I'm actually surprised that any educated person would choose to use it as a form of punishment. here's what I've learned from my research: if the parent is frustrated with a child's behavior and punishes the child by spanking, hitting.... then the parent is teaching the child that when he/she becomes frustrated with someone's behavior that it's okay to hit that person/child... hitting a child sends a very mixed, confusing message that it's okay to hit another person when you're angry, frustrated, upset...
there are so many better ways to teach your child right from wrong and what is appropriate behavior... using time outs seems to be very popular and it's working well for us (we have an 18 month old boy who is very active and independent and ready to test us at every turn).
we need to model the behavior we expect from our children.

Spank and time out. Works like a charm. The rod of correction drives out rebellion.

There is a HUGE difference between spanking and hitting and being cruel. I'm a mother of 4, grandmother of 1 and never hesitated to use a swat on the backside to get my kids attention when everything else failed. I've never, and would never use a belt, paddle or anything else but my hand (just my own choice) My kids weren't scarred for life, they didn't suffer, didn't have nightmares or need to see a shrink, but what they DO have is respect for me. My kids are 21, 18, 13 and 7 and my oldest kids *still* call me for guidance. My 13 year old never hesitates to tell me things most kids would cringe to have to tell. Just my opinion but a swat on the rear definately gets their attention when nothing else does.

We use spanking, time outs, a pop to the hand, etc. as discipline for our 2 year old. My husband and I were both spanked and we don't feel that we're damaged by it.

I really don't think it's as big of a deal as what people seem to make of it. For one thing, if you do it in a systematic way without your angry emtions being apart of it, you'll be fine. We lay him over our knees and he gets three swats. We match up the disciplinary action to his action.

Whatever you decide, just remember that this is not a permanent decision. You could give it a try and if it's not working or you're uncomfortable with it, then stop. You can always change your mind.

Hope this helps.

I am not completely against spanking but I think it needs to be done: 1) only as a last resort 2)not to let out your own anger/in the heat of the moment. I was spanked as a child, a little, and it did not traumatize me. Also, I think the kid needs to be older, like at least 3 or so, for them to really understand that the spanking was a consequence of their action s and to learn from it. Otherwise, they don't understand and just think you are hitting them. My son is 2 1/2 and I had swatted his hand before, but other than that just used time outs and so far have been successful. He is just starting to understand why/when he gets time out. I think discipline is a good thing, but we need to teach our kids also not to resort to violence as a problem solver, and and not to take out anger physically on other people. So I think this should only be used occasionally for REALLY REALLY bad behavior.

Well this is a touchy subject around the world but my husband and I use it OFTEN and not because it works (she tries to out smart us now) but because I think it instills a certain level of fear and sometimes that's good. When my daughter sees the belt,she instantly gets scared and stops what she's doing because talking and time out does nothing for her. Like I said earlier she tries to outsmart us and she gets that analytical thinking from her father, she knows what she's doing and she will definately test you to see how far she can push you and most children are like that but saying all that to say spanking is the only thing that seems to work more often than not for us.

It is a personal choice and I used to get it as a child and a lot of my friends and family use spanking as a method of discipline. I've seen people who did not use it and the kids have turned out equally as active and disobedient. So I like the method we are using but do I think it's really effective? No because five minutes later or she may be liberal and give us ten minutes and goes right back to it but it works in that once she sees the belt, she's fearful and it stops her in her tracks. So I hope I answered the question.

Hi T.,

My personal opinion is that spanking should be one of many possible tools in your displine toolbox. I have used spanking with both of my daughters on occassion. I think that every parent and every child is different though. My oldest daughter never responded positively to spanking. In her case,a good old fashioned, "I am very disappointed in you," worked best. Spanking has been efffective for my younger daughter. Mostly I think it works by getting her attention. Then I follow it up with a talk. However, if you are uncomfortable with spanking then you should not do it. I would suggest that you make sure that you are comfortable with some other firm form of behavior management though.

I edited this to say that in my mind spanking only invloves your hand swatting the child's behind. No belts or other objects being used and no other body parts being hit

Hi T. -

My honest opinion is don't do it. There are so many wonderful other techniques that should work for you and your active son. A couple programs I like from a professional basis are 123 Magic and Love and Logic. You might want to check into some of them. They both have been around for a while, so you should be able to resource them through a library. Our child is very young still, so we are not close to needing discipline yet, but I am a child psychologist so know we will use some of the other discipline techniques that are out there. You child is old enough to understand when you communicate with him, and if he is not able to control his feelings in a moment of intense emotions, then things like taking some cool-down time should work. I personally and professional feel that spanking models behaviors for children that we don't want them to use when they are upset, frustrated, or feeling intense emotions.

Hope that helps.
S.

I honestly see spanking as a way of teaching kids, when you are not happy with what someone did, hit them, that is essentially what it is. I dont believe in hitting, but I was not hit. I think if you have good discipline from the time they are small, they dont need spankings, the key is to be consistent and have consequences, such as time out or taking away a favorite toy or something like that, but no hitting. I am a teacher and my most aggresive kids are ones who get hit at home, there is a direct connection!
M.