Thank You All for Your Input

Your feelings are hurt because your husband's brother wants him there bad enough to pay his way? That makes no sense at all.

Let your husband go to his brother's wedding, it is a reasonable request.

Just a little confused her, why are your feelings hurt? It was very generous of BIL to offer to pay for his brother's ticket. He is his brother, and he wants him to be at his wedding, which is totally understandable. You should be supportive and encourage him to go. I would be excited for my DH if he had that offer. Sure I'd be envious and bummed if I couldn't go too, but not to the point that I would make it about me or what I or my kids was missing. Your whole family WAS invited. If you are hurt because you can't afford a luxury trip, that's not something to get upset with BIL about. It sounds like your DH would feel too guilty going without you. I can understand that, but I really think you should step up and encourage him to go. He's picking up on your hurt feelings, but it's really not about you, sorry if this sounded harsh.

You're being unreasonable. If his brother is willing to pay for him to be there, your husband should go. You came up with lots of reasons why it doesn't make sense for your whole family or you as a couple to go, which are valid, but if his brother is willing to pay for your husband's airfare, your husband should be there for his brother. He doesn't have to stay for a long time, just enough days to get there for the main wedding festivities (rehearsal dinner, wedding, reception, perhaps brunch the day after and then fly home). It doesn't make sense to me that you're hurt over the suggestion that you stay home with the kids. If I were in your shoes, I would want my spouse to go, no question about it.

His brother is getting married and he wants him there. The brother is willing to pay for him. Let him go. Your husband may some day regret not seeing his brother get married. I understand it sucks that you all can't go, but why not let hubby go have a fun vacation with his family. Put the hurt feelings aside and look at this logically. If hubby can afford the time off work, let him go. Which do you think he may regret more later? Going or not going?

Your brother-in-law planned a wedding that HE wanted with zero regard for whether others could attend. I am assuming he did not discuss this with anyone before making plans, but rather just assumed that everyone would be devoted enough to him that they would take out a second mortgage to be there. Unless his or his fiancee's family is from the other country where this is being held (people who would be excluded if he held the wedding were held in the US), then this is absolutely a selfish move by the wedding couple.

$12,000 with 2 kids, and that's just for airfare? Then there is the hotel, the food, the passports, the ground transportation, plus the usual gift-and-wardrobe issues you would have no matter what.

Your brother-in-law doesn't really want everyone to attend his wedding. He wants to be in control and get everyone to, essentially, subsidize his exotic experience. (He would pay for your husband's plane ticket, but not other expenses. So he wants your husband to pay for it all. And he's happy to exclude you from his special day? So it's not about his family at all!)

Stay home. All of you. Send a nice gift (whatever you normally would give) to wherever the couple will be living. And if they ask for cash to pay for this international soiree, say no to that. They get a toaster or some china, just like everyone else!

I'm with your husband on this one.
I think brother in law is just going to have to accept that his dream wedding (and I don't know how much this is fueled by him vs his fiance) is just not going to be affordable for very many to attend.
For all intensive purposes they might as well elope and have a family reception some other time.
BIL is free to demand all he wants but it sounds like the answer this time is 'No'.
What should you do?
Send him a nice card and a pair of crystal candle sticks and call it a day.

ETA: oh yeah - passports!! Three passports last year cost me $600 here in DC. It was "same day" service so we had to pay an extra $125 per person for expedite fees. We had gone to the post office to do it with an appointment - however - the person who notarized my husband's permission for passports dated it wrong (2014 not 2015) and we had to get it fixed...it was a mess!
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welcome to mamapedia!!

You don't go into debt for a wedding. I'm really sorry your brother in law and his soon to be wife are putting you guys in this situation. How very sad.

Does he and his soon to be wife live over seas? Or is this where they chose to get married? IF they live there? It's great that they want to get married there. But really? They can't expect people to attend.

Your husband has to have a chat with his brother. They chose to get married at a destination. They couldn't expect everyone to attend.

it's great that they are willing to pay for your husband's ticket. That's really nice. but what about the hotel and other expenses that go along with this trip? I take it they are getting married in Australia or New Zealand? Like your husband, my husband wouldn't go without me. I don't see this as a "luxurious vacation" - I see this as a no-win situation and I wouldn't be happy going someplace without my family.

Your brother in law and his soon to be wife need to accept the fact that they chose a destination that not everyone can afford. Yes, family is important and it IS his brother, but it's RIDICULOUS for his brother to think for a minute that this would be OKAY. Would HE leave HIS wife to attend? I would be the answer would be NO.

Funny - my husband and I wanted to get married in Vegas. His mom told me to my face that they couldn't afford to fly there and stay. We told them we would pay (it was a second wedding for both of us) and they still said no - couldn't take time off work, etc. so we ended up getting married in Boston. MY family had to fly and travel but his was not inconvenienced at all....we had a small wedding. The location was beautiful. We'll be married 20 years in 2017. We are renewing our vows in Vegas. His parents are dead. We don't have to worry about them not attending. Silly - I know. we were discussing this at dinner Saturday night. I don't regret our decision to change where we got married. It was the most colorful season in New England in decades.

Any way - the couple needs to realize that their choice in wedding venue is not going to fit everyone's budget and life and accept that many will not be able to attend.

I would tell my husband to go, if it were me.

I would want him to have that time with his brother. I'd be cool with staying home with the kids because this isn't about *me*, it is about my husband having a good memory with their sibling.

I guess I don't get hurt about stuff like this, and I understand that having kids was our choice, but I don't expect everyone else to consider our child care needs/financial needs when they make their plans. I've had to skip a few weddings due to financial reasons when I was younger. It happens. Even when you don't have kids.

Think about it this way: if your brother-in-law had ONLY invited your husband and not the rest of your family, wouldn't that be even more offensive. Sounds like the guy can't win.

Your husband handled this well. Besides, you have to have passports for everyone since it is an overseas location and they cost. So besides the $12,000 airfare and $720 for passports and hotel is a bit much for a destination wedding. Who has that much money to spend on a wedding other than one for a daughter?

Brother can have another person stand in as best man or whatever at the wedding.

Silver or crystal candlesticks are in order with best wishes.

the other S.

ETA: Please know that when you remove your question, you deprive other people in a similar situation the benefit of knowledge. Please don't remove your questions.

Original:

Wow! I'm sorry this is happening.

I agree with your husband completely, what's the point of going on a luxurious vacation without your wife? Stay home and send a lovely gift and your best wishes. If he wants his brother to attend, he should have considered a location that is better suited to a large attendance wedding.

If you choose to have a wedding in a far off location you have to accept the fact that many will not be able to afford to go. Your BIL should understand this. Paying $12,000 for tickets is outrageous! I think your husband not wanting to go without you is sweet. But in order to keep a good relationship with his brother maybe your husband should consider going for a quick trip with just two days there. If it were me I would find grandparents or good friends to watch our kids while we both go for a quick trip. But I don't know the ages of your kids and you say you have no one who could do this. That's too bad...it would be an awesome "date" for you and your husband!

If someone wants a destination wedding that's great. However, they should understand that they are limiting who will be able to attend.

So BIL wants his brother there. I can understand that. What if BIL lived in another state and the wedding was there? Would you object to your husband going without you? Is it the location and fun he would have without you that you object to? Or the fact that he offered to pay for his brother and not you? Even if he offered to pay for both of y'all, you have said that there is no one to take care of the kids. Can your husband go for a couple of days? He doesn't have to stay a whole week.

If BIL made the comment about you just staying home with the kids in a nasty voice, I understand having your feelings hurt.

Honestly, I could go either way. Husband go for a couple of days or not. I think it depends on the whole situation and how everyone is acting.

I think your husband should go to his brother's wedding especially since his brother will pay for the airfare. Your husband doesn't have to stay for a week. He could just fly in for the wedding and fly home the next day.

I understand your feelings being hurt but surely you can understand why your BIL at least wants his brother to be at his wedding.

My baby sister was going to get married in St. Lucia. I would have had to fly 5 people there plus stay at the resort of their choice for the wedding duration. And once you're there, it make sense just to make it the week. I am so glad their plans changed.

$12k for airfare alone is INSANE. If you could afford it, that would be great, but that's a lot to ask of someone.

If your BIL is willing to pay for your husband's ticket, and you could get a babysitter, it might be nice to take advantage and go the two of you. But as it stands, I probably wouldn't go regardless.

If it were me, I'd leave the decision up to my husband. It's his brother.

I flew to my best friend's wedding without my husband. It wasn't a luxurious destination but I left him with a baby and I flew when hugely pregnant to be there. It cost a fair bit once I added in food, hotel, car, and flight - so not the same as luxurious destination but for us - it was significant at the time. I wasn't going to miss it. My husband supported my decision.

ETA: After thinking about times I felt hurt I can see reasons for you to feel hurt. I believe that all feelings are OK
we feel what we feel for our own reasons that other people may not understand.
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You do what works for you. I agree with you about just your husband not going. I would not do that. How your nuclear family feels about going comes first.

I suggest saying the wedding is about them is not helpful. His brother wants him there. That is about the brother. I would say, "I'm sorry to disappoint you. Our family cannot go." No need to say why. When you say you can't afford it, you're leaving the door open to finding a way to help financially. This is where using I statements is important.

Perhaps being disappointed is the way you feel. Depends on what you mean by hurt.

Can you afford the costs, such as those for the hotel room, renting a tux, meals, etc. Does he have a psssport? Is there time for him to get one?

Is the date far enough in the future you could plan for child care and save for your ticket and added expenses so you could go? This decision is really about complicated priorities.Money is just one thing to consider. I would be hurt if my husband didn't consider my feelings when making the decision. For me, relationships take priority over money. I might borrow money so that both could go especially if my partner wasn't comfortable with my going alone. But then, if borrowing would cause other difficulties, I wouldn't borrow.

This is a very complicated situation. Fortunately, I've had much successful xperience with counseling. I would discuss the situation with a counselor so that whatever decision I made was more than just OK with both of us. Counseling shines a light on our feelings and helps us deal with them.

You mention concerns about how your husband's family might feel now and in the future. It's important to consider how you and your husband might feel. It's possible that you and/or your husband may feel resentful if he goes or not goes. The two of you could work this out for yourselves. I would've needed help doing that at your age.

I would give your hubby your blessing to go to the wedding. Rather than be hurt, be happy that your husband has this opportunity for a great trip and has a chance to share this special experience with his brother. It would make me smile knowing my husband is having fun and sharing in something so important with a sibling.

Your brother -in-law is unreasonable.
If one of my kids planned a destination wedding I would not be able to attend. I couldn't afford it.
When my daughter married her husband 2 years ago only ONE person from the groom's side was there. And he was a man who worked with my SIL, he took pictures for them at no charge. But my SIL's family were all in Texas we are in Wisconsin, his mom was elderly and very ill and his siblings decided not to attend. I felt bad they couldn't or wouldn't attend but our side did everything we could to let Ryan know he was with family and he is our family too.
This was only Texas to Wisconsin no passports needed.

I'm sorry you removed your question. I had to read through the other responses to find out what your post was about.

As much as I'd want to go with my husband, I'd tell him to go and support his brother, especially since they are offering to pay for his ticket. Yeah, it's sad that you won't be able to go. Your profile name is "family first" so your brother in law is family. Put him first.

Is it rude of he and his fiance to plan a wedding so far away? Yes. That's sad too. I guess they don't want many people there. Are they doing a huge party when they get home?

I wish you peace with this decision.

I see no reason why your husband can't go to the wedding. He should go to support his brother, especially since his brother is being generous enough to pay for it.

ooh it bugs me when people remove their questions. Like Christy said, you are taking away the chance for someone in your situation to learn from your experience. I had to read others and get what the post was.

Your BIL is getting married very far away.
Your family cannot afford to fly there.
Your BIL is offering to pay for his brother's ticket.

If your BIL is paying for the ticket? Tell him to go and enjoy! this isn't the end of the world. Do you want to go? Sure! But you said you couldn't afford it. I have a family of 6 and flying is NOT cheap. We truly have to plan well in advance and save for it.

Send him off with lots of love and kisses!

Where is the question?