How Wrong Am I on This One?

Ya know those women who act like they are the first person on earth to give birth, they do it better, faster, leaner, etc than everyone else? Well there are people who feel the same way about marriage, I do believe you are related to one. :p

Geez, a 6 day wedding ordeal?
Good.Grief.

I would NOT, either.

Don't feel guilty.

This is so over the top.
A 6 day wedding.
Good grief.
So self-indulgent.

Well she wouldn't like my answer. With all this ruckos and chaos planned I'd likely skip the whole thing. I just don't like making a big deal out of things and no way can I afford to miss work for just about anything and I haven't had a vacation since 1997.

Honestly...I've never heard of such a goings on. Who does he think he is...Prince William by chance?

Personally, I would go down on Friday. AND I would pack the DS's, AND smuggle in a flask or two for you to swig some adult beverages to deal with your annoying self-absorbed in-laws

I'd say he's lucky you guys are even attending! Geez!

Yay for them AND for the people that can tolerate all of the mandatory activities. (I sure hope they pick up the bill for it all. And technically, they should be picking up your hotel tab as well. To expect people to pay for 2-3-4-5 extra days for "events" is a bit presumptuous, don't ya think?)

As for being invited to the rehearsal dinner--it IS customary to invite out of town guests for the dinner--so yes, if you're there...you would be invited.

The DS question--I would absolutely allow them to play quietly.

People getting married think it's YOUR honor to be there when really it's their honor to have you there, right?

As for the rest of it: All you can do is all you can do.

No, dear. YOU are not the one who needs to check back in with reality.

Oh... as for the DS playing during the piano concert before the ceremony... I think that it would be fine as long as they are put away by about 30 minutes before the ceremony is to start. For me, personally, I wouldn't be planning to be sitting in the venue waiting (listening to piano?) for 75 minutes prior to the ceremony. If I wasn't IN the wedding (nor anyone else in my "party") then I'd think that arriving at the venue about 30 minutes in advance would probably be plenty. In which case the DSs shouldn't be needed.. a book of some sort (depending on age- coloring book?) should suffice.

I wouldn't go for the week long itinerary unless I was an avid hiker/kayaker/etc AND if I didn't have small children. No, I don't think you are being unreasonable... especially since your BIL didn't have your husband or daughter in his wedding.

As for the video games and other things to keep them preoccupied... great idea!!

Does your MIL just hate to disappoint this spoiled, self-centered son, your BIL? Sounds like she'd rather put the pressure on you to comply, then ever disappoint this guy.

These are some of the most unreasonable wedding plans and expectations of out of town guests I have ever heard of.

I could understand local family and friends going on a kayaking trip...clearly an activity only for the healthier and younger generation. I doubt any 80+ year olds are joining them.

Unless the pianist is playing boogie-woogie and danceable tunes, have your kids bring their DS's and sit quietly.

And only take time off of work that is truly manageable for your vacation schedules. Because it sounds like you all are just 'at' the wedding and not 'in' the wedding.

The main reason that stuck out (for me, anyway) was the using of PRECIOUS vacation days. Heck no should you spend your vacation days on something that seems so miserable to both you and your husband! Vacation days are to regain your sanity - not let a little more of it go! And I think the DS is a fabulous idea - of course with the sound down. Stand your ground on this one, Sister - and don't feel bad about it.

Oh, you are spot on on this one. 6 days worth of wedding celebration is just too much. LOL Heck some marriages don't even last that long.

Stick to your plans - go down when you want to go down. Save some vacation time for just your family.

Let the kids bring their DSs to the ceremony - stop by Walmart and buy them some $10 headphones - that way no one will hear any of the sound from the games. Or just be "fashionably" late to the ceremony.

Try not to let your animosity show - especially to your MIL. :P

God Bless

holy cow... BIL could kiss my butt!!!!!! who does he think he is?? LOL
NO WAY thats crazy to think the Whole family could do this!
Since no ones in the wedding, there is No Reason to attend the rehearsal dinner ! Stick to your guns.. I'm glad your hubs in on the same page as you !

DS's will be their and Your Savior for this event - Quiet and Discrete tho !

THEY need a reality check.

7 days? SERIOUSLY?

My complete wedding festivities took a grand total of 3 hours, and that was MORE THAN ENOUGH for me. People need to get real. Sorry for the mini-rant. lol

My thinking is completely in line with yours on everything. COMPLETELY.

You are right, right, RIGHT!!!! I started getting a little itchy just READING about the expectation they have of you. You and your hubby know what's best for your family and you are doing ALOT to support BIL on his big day, there is no reason to do all the extras.

Just the 12 hour drive with little ones in the car would be enough to have me crying into my coffee!

Um wow thats one heck of a wedding celebration! Is your b-i-l marrying into the trump family? I Think you are living in reality & your b-i-l is the one who needs a reality check! I Say go on friday come home sunday. Only attend what you want to. If the wedding is all you want to go to than dont do anything else. Its not worth the hassel or the cost.

I am exhausted just reading your post! I have never heard of a wedding being such a long, drawn out affair. I cannot imagine shelling out my money and using my vacation time for basically a vacation that someone else planned without my input, which is what you are describing.

I also cannot imagine my kids sitting still for 1 hour and 15 minutes PLUS the ceremony without a break. They absolutely would need something to do during the piano playing, whether it be playing with a DS or playing with a busy book. I think that those around you would be grateful that your child is quietly playing rather than fidgeting around or whining. If it were me I would probably just arrive 10 or 15 min before the ceremony though, the kids should be fine for that long, right?

Definitely, just go for the amount of time you are comfortable with. I would inform them of your plans ASAP, that would be the most polite. And honestly, the bride and groom are going to be so busy during this time they are barely even going to notice if you are there or not.

WOW! I'm dreading wedding invitations after today on Mamapedia ;-). I was irritated thinking about all this before and then the pianist playing for 1 hour and 15 mins before the Ceremony? I sure hope this is also before the stated time of the Ceremony because I LIKE piano music but would have a VERY hard time sitting though this. No you don't need a reality check, they do. It's fine for them to have all this BUT in no way should ANYONE be held hostage to it. If you don't think your children can handle 1 hour and 15 minutes of piano.....Do what you need to do to be polite to everyone else (INCLUDING) not coming in until 15 minutes before it starts. I'm all for non-traditional but this sounds like it could Drudgery for the guests?

Wow this takes "all about me/us" to a new level LOL (for your BIL and his fiancee, not you). I can't imagine thinking that people would willingly take A WEEK out of their lives for me for any reason. Heck when I got married my biggest fear was that the Red Sox would be in the World Series and I would have to change things around so that people could watch the game instead (thank you Pedro for killing the dream in 2003 ;-) ).

Stick with your plans and attend what you can attend. You are not wrong at all!

Wow, I've never heard of a 6-7 day wedding event in this country. I have a friend who had a traditional wedding in India that was almost that long.

I can't even imagine spending that many days in a row with my extended family... I'd be making arrangements, like you are, to show up the day before and leaving the day after. I would absolutely let my kids bring their DSs or whatever. Sorry, but I couldn't even sit through 1 1/2 hours of music and then the ceremony.

I don't mean to be judgmental, but really, this sounds like a huge to-do over a wedding. My wedding was held at 11:00, simple lunch and reception at our townhouse after for 25 guests, everyone went home before dinner time - Done! Total cost <$2000 including dress, suit, and rings.

Well, it looks like I'm not the first one to think your BIL is very self centered. Who has a week long wedding celebration? First, who could afford that, and secondly it's not like everybody wants to spend their vacation time on your BIL's fantasy week. I think your MIL is a bit delusional. Trust me your husband and daughter are not in the wedding. It sounds like they are pretty much big spenders and have thought this whole celebration through pretty much to every detail. It's not like they overlooked a groomsman and/or flower girl. Your BIL needs a reality check

Another vote in your corner.
THEY definitely need the reality check.

DS's? YES! And coloring books and markers and whatever else makes them happy....though I have to agree I would have a hard time sitting that long...so I would wait to go in as long as possible.

DH and I are notorious for being fashionably late and disappearing at painfully boring family functions. ;)

Goodness. I'm pretty sure Will and Kate didn't even have such a drawn out celebration.

Bring the DS. They have headphone jacks for a reason.

Okay, well I'm a little bit in the minority here b/c I think a week long celebration before your wedding sounds awesome and super fun!! I'm guessing Bro and Fiance are pretty young and enjoy adventure. I don't know if it's egotistical as much as it's excessive, but honestly, if a bunch of their friends are single or without kids and you have a big group of family there too then it'll probably be rockin' good time. It also doesn't sound as if your husband and his brother are particularly close and that might be affecting your decision too. If it were my family I would try and go for as many days as possible...BUT, you make some really valid points as to why you are not going early and I think it's fine, especially with a family of 7.

I think you should probably have your husband talk to his brother and communicate to him now that you won't be able to attend all that stuff b/c of costs and time off from work. Weddings are stressful times and you don't want his brother to get the wrong idea or be hurt that you guys aren't there, so talk about it now. As far as the pre-wedding piano situation, I'm not sure. Will there be other kids around to play with, are you going to have to be sitting in your seat that whole time, why do you have to be there that early? If you're going early b/c of pictures, etc. then I'd say it's probably fine to bring along the PSPs and let the kids play before the ceremony. If you don't have to be there early, then don't go that early, just wait and leave the PSPs at the hotel.

Whatever you decide I'm sure it will be fun. Kids usually love weddings, except for maybe teenage boys ;), and there are plenty of opportunties for kids to play and visit cousins.

Uh, no, you do precisely what you had planned to do & rest assured that you are the only sane portion of that particular family.

A week's worth of events prior to the wedding? Overboard and overkill! We'd be doing the same as you, either arriving Thursday night or Friday. Why 75 minutes of music pre-wedding? Do you have to sit there for that long before the actual ceremony? That's too much, as well. Wow, their expectations are very high.

It sounds to me as if your MIL caters to this particular BIL. Stick to your schedule. Just because BIL has all these plans doesn't mean that everyone can or will participate. You do what is best for you and yours -- not him.
You've made arrangements to get there on Friday. Good enough.
As for the piano music before the service -- Bring the games and let them play. It will keep them quiet and out of trouble.
LBC

"Am I out of line? Husband and I are on the same page about only going down Thursday (after he gets off work) or first thing Friday morning....so I do not think we are being unreasonable."

I am in total agreement with you. You do whatever you and your husband can afford and what you as a family is willing to tolerate. PERIOD. That goes for every event you are asked to participate in as a family, right? No obligations here. This is not the Royal Wedding between a prince and his "Kate." While he is perfectly entitled to organize a wedding however he pleases, YOU as a guest do not have to do it all just to please the bride and groom.

I have been to weddings in which a week of events have been planned, but they were destination weddings at exotic resorts, in which you can opt to turn the event into a vacation for you and the family since you will be on a resort anyway. That is a courtesy in such a special circumstance, and even then, there is no obligation. I am assuming this is not an "away" wedding, like out of the country in Jamaica or something like that.

Your in-laws are being too narssicistic (?spelling) in thinking the the married couple to be are the only ones that matter in this situation.

I also am in agreement with you that it is a obnoxious to plan a whole week of events for a regular ol' wedding, complete with TWO family get-togethers. And lastly, yes, if that what you need to do to keep the kids quiet during the pre-ceremony with DS's, by all means, go for it. It is not disrespectful if it keeps the kiddies quiet. It would be disrespectful if they screamed and carried on all throughout their event.

By the way, I like your login name, "inmy30'salready?!"...sometimes I feel the same way, LOL!

No, sounds like I'd be on your side on this one. I have a younger brother who tried to ditch my wedding to go hiking with some guru that has hiked every peak in the world but when it came time for his wedding, he was throwing a tantrum when people started expressing they may not be able to afford to come. You are your own family, you know what your kids can handle and you have a right to say you can't make it to all of the festivities due to your husbands vacation time. Stand your ground, don't drag small kids through all of that to finally get to the wedding and throw a fit because they are so overly tired and through with the week. If you need to, totally bring their games, I would! Besides, what guest wants to sit and listen to over an hour of music before the actual ceremony gets started?? As a guest, I just want to get the show on the road. It's not memorable for me when you waste my time.

I vote yes on the DS's. I would agree about the rudness of a spaced out teenager at a family function, but not with little kids. Bored, annoyed, loud kids are by far a bigger problem and it also keeps you from being able to enjoy the ceremony.

We ALWAYS bring our iPad for the kiddos to any function where my 2yr and 5yr are expected to act like adults.

Wow I don't blame you one bit for not going all week. Personally I don't think many people can be that close with family for that long. I think going Thursday or Friday would be just fine. As for the DS's those should be just fine too if the sound is turned off.

They need the reality check not you.

I think if you're not in the wedding then there should be no problem going down the Thursday or Friday. If they really wanted everyone there then your mil should have planned a traditional Friday rehearsal dinner. As far as the Ds's, do NOT bring them to the wedding. There is nothing ruder then zoned out kids at public/family functions.

I do not think that you need to attend all 7 days - that is a bit over the top - although you could go and just do your own thing during the day and attend whatever dinner is with the family each night. If you are not in the wedding, then there is no reason for you to attend the rehearsal dinner?? Is it possible that BIL has said something to Hubby and he forgot to mention it?? Is BIL the baby of the family?? Sounds like he is used to having all the attention on him all the time.......spoiled........With the wedding being so far from your home, he is lucky that you are attending at all!

I have a couple of thoughts. First of all, you are not in the wrong at all. This is an awful lot to *expect* people to do. I think you plan is reasonable and should be respected. People should not expect others to either go into debt or take every bit of their vacation time for a wedding. Secondly, I love your BILs ideas! I do think that if at all possible, a wedding should be a huge celebration of the coming together of 2 families. For those who are available and can afford it, I think the multiple day activities are a wonderful way to spend the time together, building bonds and relationships. However, no guilt should be put on anyone at all if they are not able to participate in the long celebration. I hope you will be able to go and enjoy the time with your family.
As far as the piano playing for over an hour before the ceremony, that is an interesting idea. I think that it should be the time that people are arriving and getting settled. People should not be expected to show up before that time to just sit and wait. That can be very painful for people, especially the children. Unless it is a concert or something. Then, maybe they can do that on one of the other days he has things planned for. ;) If you feel you are expected to sit there that whole time, then by all means bring quiet things for your children to do. Everyone will be so much happier if you do! Blessings!

You are NOT wrong. Attend when you can. I would likely just go for the wedding itself. I think DS's are fine and much better than kids who are unhappy and showing it : ). Finally, I would ask your husband what he wants to do as it's his brother... and he can step up to communicate what and why with his mom. We got married in CO with family in other states. Some came, many didn't. I hold no hard feelings because the day is was about getting married after all - and we did that just fine!

I don't think it's unreasonable at all. It sounds like a pretty elaborate wedding, and guests will be spending a lot of dough to be there. And it would suck to use all of my vacation on plans that we didn't make ourselves. You're not in the wedding party, so I say do what you want.

But, I wouldn't allow any electronics for the kids during the wedding. Even if the pianist is playing for that long, you probably don't have to be there a whole hour beforehand...

Wow, that is quite an ordeal they've got planned! If no one in your family is actually in the wedding, then I see no reason for you to attend this week-long event prior to the wedding, especially since you live so far away and would need to stay in a hotel. I think that going down a day or two early is more than enough extra time to spend with family. I agree, why would you attend the rehearsal if you are not in the wedding? Also, it's very weird that your MIL thought your husband and daughter were in the wedding when they have not been asked... I'd follow up on that one, you don't need any surprises! For your children, I don't think it's out of line for them to bring something to occupy themselves during the preceremony piano music. How boring for a kid to have to sit through that? Just make sure that they are discreet about it, so no one gets offended. A book would also be a good choice if not the DS.

Ummm ... it's great that they want to have all this going on however it is a bit much to expect anyone to attend for all of this including lodging issues. I would stick to your guns about arriving when you are able to arrive, you are not needed at the rehersal dinner if you are not in the wedding, kids and weddings do not work w/out something to entertain them when they are supposed to sit still. I am sorry but kids DO NOT CARE about weddings. I was just at one this past weekend and one of the boys had his DS and it was perfect, he sat in the corner during the ceremony, talked to people when he was supposed to, danced a little then went back to his DS. It kept him happy and quiet (6yrold btw) the other kids that were there were 2 and under and had a part to play in the ceremony. So, again ... bring the DSs arrive when you can, attend what you can attend and remember they will be normal people again after the ceremony.

You are totally in the right so stick to your original plan and don't be bullied/guilt ridden/obliged in doing anything different.
Make sure you enjoy the weddng though!!
B. k

I wouldn't attend everything, go when you as a family are ready to go down. Playing the DSs sounds like a good plan!

Yikes! Hotel rooms for 7 people, plus the high cost of all those adventures, plus, wedding attire, plus a gift. No one could expect you to do all of that.

How about a compromise? The day of will be full of extended family and aquaintances. It sounds like kayaking and what is bils idea of fun. It may be that he is just inviting close family to come enjoy his favorite things with him, before all the hoopla starts. I think if you could swing it, it would be great fun bonding family time to go 1 day early. But I'm sure he won't be upset if you don't.

You're right, no reason to go to rehearsal dinner if you aren't in the wedding. MIL being suprised yall weren't in the wedding sounds more like she is shocked with your BIL than you. I'm sure you dildn't say anything about not wanting to waste vacation days, but being honest about the cost was the right thing to do, absolutely. If it were my wedding, I wouldn't want to put anyone in debt or hardship. But, it would be nice if you guys could spend 1 day of fun before the wedding.

Hahaha! Sorry, but that made me laugh! Of course it's fine for you to "only" attend the actual wedding (or whenever you want to go there. Actually it would be ok for you to drive down there on Monday and then spend the entire week doing your own thing! You have how many kids?5? And how many of those kids would actually enjoy all the formal activities your BIL has planned?
And now how much would BIL and fiance enjoy their wedding itinerary with a number of bored, moping kids in tow... ?!
Tell your MIL that you are only concerned about making sure that BIL and future SIL have a good time and that is just isn't feasible to expect your children to enjoy all of the adult plans. Oh and bring those DS'.
And then don't worry about it...

I don't think coming down the night before the wedding is at all inappropriate, especially since none of you are in the wedding party.

Personally, I wouldn't allow electronic games in the wedding venue. They'd be stuck with coloring or reading.

You are not out of line at all. Stick to your plan. What a ridiculous waste of time these selfish people are planning. It screams of "it's all about ME!!!" Be true to yourself and your husband and kids. Good luck.

When I first began reading your post I assumed you were in the wedding and thought it sounded kind of fun...there are lots of little cousins in my family that we don't see so it would be fun to spend a week with them. Are they having a wedding party? People that aren't in the wedding don't usually attend the rehearsal dinner...unless they've decided to make it a family affair. I would say go to the rehearsal dinner, wedding and maybe the breakfast the next day? Everything else would be nice but when you think about all the time and money...it's a bit much.

Your BIL and fiance need the reality check, not you. I'm sure they don't have kids yet and probably don't understand the difficulty of it all. As for pianist, annoying and long, but to each his own. Hopefully you can have a few cocktails to get through it. Goodluck!

I say, go to the ceremony & reception & that's it.

It sounds like they are being a bit selfish & delusional in their wedding planning. Not everyone wants to spend a week of their vacation time on a wedding that isn't theirs, and they aren't even a part of, and on their own dime, at that. What world are they living in?! The world does not stop or cease to exist because they decided to make their wedding a week long affair.

Nope, you are definitely not wrong here, or being unreasonable. It is unreasonable of HIM to expect everyone to drop or rearrange their lives just for him. 6 days is quite a long time, and very expensive. It's great if people are able to afford it but truth is you have a lot of people in your family and food, and hotel isnt cheap. They should be more understanding and be thankful you came at ALL let alone 6 days!

To me if they cant appreciate the time that you can come down and for the fact that you are coming at all, then they can tough it.

It's good that you and hubby are on the same page time wise, and that is all that matters. As long as you two stay firm, and do or stay how long you can and want then there shouldnt be any other problems.

I think everyone else are the ones that need the reality check here, not you.

Good grief! It's tiring just reading about this week long affair! I say go ahead and go when you guys want to, and yes, bring the ds or whatever you feel you need to quietly keep them entertained. They should be honored to have you at whatever you can attend!

You dont need to go down early. If you are invited to the rehearsal dinner, go. I had lots of out of town guests, and they all came to my rehearsal dinner.

DONT let the kids bring a video game to play. If they cant sit that long, come in with them right before the ceremony starts.

Let your MIL be "shocked." Just smile and nod and go about your plans. IF and only IF your BIL asks your husband and/or your daughter to be in the wedding OR if your BIL makes the invitation for the rehearsal dinner himself, then you have no obligation to go to the rehearsal dinner.

I would only show up at the church about 20-30 minutes prior to the wedding ceremony starting. I would bring the DS's but don't let the kids know unless it's absolutely necessary. They could probably handle a short wait and the service. They might need it more for the reception.

I don't think that the couple is being "selfish" per se, but I do think they're going a bit overboard in their week long festivities and what their expectations are of everyone in the family. I'm sure your MIL's "shock" is probably really disappointment that she won't get to see your husband and kids (and yes you too) as much as she had hoped/assumed. Just stick to your guns and determine yourselves to enjoy the time that you ARE there.

Wow.
Emily Post says all out of town guest should be invited to the dinner
the night before, but she doesn't say you have to attend.
Is this a wedding or a family get-to-gether?
Do what you like especially if you don't see the point of all of this
activity.
:You could ask you MIL why??????

As long as you and your hubby are on the same page, absolutely go down for the wedding only! I also endorse having something to occupy the little ones so they don't become bored and disruptive. I did the same thing at my cousin's wedding and everyone remarked on how well-behaved my kids were! (I actually think some of the adults were secretly envious cos the ceremony was extremely long!!) :) Good luck!

I agree, do what you need to do. No one should ever make their own wedding a burden on others.

One thing to add, though -- Your MIL was assuming your husband was in the wedding, assuming your daughter was in the wedding....That would worry me. The BIL (and sadly, by extension, his fiancee, one must assume) are selfish enough to dictate a week-long spending-fest for you, so they might also be selfish enough to assume your husband and daughter are participating...and they haven't bothered to ask you yet. (I'm figuring here the wedding isn't next week but later in the summer.) Be SURE they do not have some unspoken expectation that "oh, we mean to ask, yeah, can Sally be flower girl..." Don't ask them about it, but do be ready, if that comes out of the blue, just to smile really big and say, "Sorry, it's so nice of you to ask, but we can't come any earlier than Friday and we wouldn't want to throw things off for you." In other words, plan a gracious way to say no!

My vote on the DSes for 75 solid minutes in a church sanctuary is no. Just tell the groom and bride you'll bring in the kids into the sanctuary (assuming it's in a church...maybe not) just before the ceremony starts. I'd bring the (silenced) DSes to the reception, though, since I bet it'll be long and boring for the kids unless the bride and groom were thoughtful enough to provide for kids' tables with quiet activities, as I've seen at some weddings. But I"m betting against that....

Sounds exhausting. Just a regular "wedding weekend" with rehearsal dinner, ceremony & reception is more than enough for any family I've ever known. If they want to do friend activities during the week I could see how that might be fun for couples without kids and money to burn but to expect the rest of the family to participate is ridiculous. Do what you want and can handle financial and emotionally. Sorry to say but spending too much time with this group sounds agonizing, the itinerary really does seem very self centered, people have lives for God's sake. I would attend what you want to attend and maybe concede a bit to your husband if you disagree and I would not bring the kids into that church until 5-10 minutes before the ceremony!

Do what makes your family happy! Given what happened regarding your wedding, it sounds like BIL is very self absorbed-so let him be! Show up for the wedding but don't sweat the other stuff!

I would not go in the chapel, or where ever it's being held, until just before time for the ceremony to start. How boring for everyone.

If I felt I had to go then I would take the portable DVD players for the kids, with the headphones of course, we don't have DSI's or that would be good. I would be on my phone playing Words With Friends or something to entertain myself and I DO like classical music.

Goodness you hiney's are going to be numb.

The music preceeding the wedding is usually for ambiance & also for seating the guests closer to wedding time. I think if you found a separate room for the children to play in that would not disturb others that may be there for the wedding should be okay but just remember, this isn't playtime so the children should behave themselves and remain quieted. If you're worried about keeping them occupied for that long of a time then arrive closer to the wedding time. As far as the rehearsal dinner, if you're not in the wedding then there is no need to go to the rehearsal dinner. The rehearsal dinner is for those in the wedding party along w/their spouses/significant others and is generally held after the wedding rehearsal to go over last minute verbal instructions as well as a special get together for the wedding party. You should not feel obligated to use up all your vacation days for one event. If you 'can' do that, great but if you prefer to use only a day or two, that's your perrogative, your choice to do so. Don't let anyone try to make you feel guilty or talked into doing something you know you can't really afford to do (i.e. using more vacation days than you want to). Hope this helps, good luck.

No reality check needed.

I think you need to do what is best for your family, just be sure that you keep it in a positive light (i.e. Hubby's limited vacation or other already-made plans which will need time to be taken for) and avoid being negative about the BIL or his wedding. Indicate you appreciate being thought of/included but that your family is looking forward to the immediate celebration as that is the most important part to be present for.

Create a "special" wedding bag for the kiddos with non-electronic items inside. Go to the dollar store with them to pre-pack it and then make sure they don't get to play with them until the day of. Make sure the items are quiet items. Also, judge the best time to arrive, an hour before hand sounds very early to me so maybe like 1/2 to 45 minutes would be more doable for the kids?

Good luck - sounds like a tough spot, but at least you and Hubby seem to be on the same page.
~C.

You are not wrong at all. If that is what they want to do then fine, it's there wedding, but to expect everyone to be able to take 6 days off, and spend that kind of money is ridicolous. It's not something my family could do. I would stick to your plan and just come up Friday night. You will be there for the wedding and that is the most important part, not all that other stuff.

I think your head s right where it should be :) Its not rude to avoid putting urself out of vacation time and $$ to attend the whole thing ( not to mention the past with ur wedding) and I would bring the Ds 's for the children that is a long time to expect them to be patient these r children we r talking about ! lol :) & if anyone mentions anything about it being rude remind them that it would have been worse to have kids screaming or crying etc durring this time :) Hope u enjoy and do not catch any more of the "in law" drama Best of luck