Etiquette for Destination Wedding *SWH Added

So basically they planned a vacation and want you to foot the bill for it. Personally I love my brothers but I wouldn't attend this logistical nightmare of a wedding. They should be the ones footing the bill for ground transportation an, the dinner after the wedding at a minimum.

Well, my reaction to the whole thing is: You don't have to go. You don't.

The fact that they are guilting you makes me even MORE unlikely to think you should go. So you are the only sibling with even close to the means to attend? Well, they should have thought of that when they made their plans. And it isn't TRULY within your means, either. So don't do it.

If you disregard this suggestion (by myself and several others here), then get a hotel room that YOU choose and can afford. I like the suggestion of contacting other guests (if you know any of them) and trying to coordinate airport transportation.

But the bottom line is that you already know that your brother/mother are not providing anything. You will bear the full cost of this trip. You should make arrangements you can anticipate/plan for rather than accept whatever they throw at you. And if there ARE no reasonably priced places, then...don't go.

Frankly, I would be surprised if your brother and mother aren't cold-shouldered to you at the event anyway. Your spouse and child are staying home, and they are already trying to guilt you into feeling responsible that your SIBLINGS aren't coming. I'd be surprised if they are joyful to have you there, and not resentful that you came alone. That makes it not worth it to me.

I don’t know why you are asking about etiquette. There is no etiquette involved in this situation at all. You are being used and manipulated by the bride/groom, and guilt-tripped by your own mother. There is zero consideration of guests by your brother, and you’re worried about what’s proper?

What exactly are the “hosts” paying for here? Their own airfare, her dress, the officiant, and the license? Anything else? (And how much is your mother on the hook for?) So as others have said, you and the other guests are being billed for their fantasy wedding.

I’ve never, ever heard of a reception not hosted by the married couple (or parents) for guests, whether it’s a full-blown country club extravaganza with full orchestra, or a church social hall cake & punch reception with a CD player. Usually the bridal couple (or parents) negotiate a hotel rate deal, and yes, guests pay their own way. So renting a VRBO is okay, but not their failure to tell you at least the range of prices. It’s not up to them to set it up and bill you, and that’s what is happening. But hotels usually have an airport shuttle deal, or the hosts negotiate one.

If it were me, and if I’d already committed to going, I’d ask for a list of guests and phone numbers, and say you want to organize some carpools and combined rentals based on flight arrivals/departures. I’d probably suck it up and pay for the VRBO, and then either skip the dinner entirely (“Sorry, I shot my savings on the flight, room and rental car”) or go an order a small side salad. Really. They don’t need an exact head count if they aren’t paying for your meal, as with a caterer. And that’s if I went at all.

I’m sorry – you are a thoughtful person (from all your posts) with a huge amount of stuff on your plate (special needs kid, deployed kids….) and you are trying to take care of everyone but yourself. Do not allow anyone to tell you that etiquette is at play here. That went out the window a long time ago.

I disagree. You obviously DON'T have to suck it up and pay what you need to pay. This isn't a court appearance where your presence is demanded by law enforcement. This is supposed to be a joyous occasion.

A wedding is a celebration, and guests are ... GUESTS. What you're describing (paying for the post-wedding meal, renting your own vehicle, contributing to a rental of a home that you had no part in selecting, the flight) is not what is expected of a guest.

Of course, all weddings have expenses; some have cash bars so that guests are responsible for their own alcohol, but the dinner and entertainment are provided. Sometimes, invited friends and family members are offered hotel rooms at a particular hotel (the bride and groom reserve a large block of rooms at a discounted rate), and the guests are responsible for paying if they choose to stay at that hotel, but it's not required. If a guest wants to stay with an old college friend, or in a budget motel two towns over, or on a park bench, that's fine. If they want to stay at the discounted hotel, again, that's their choice.

The word is choice. You're not getting any. You're being told where to stay, where to eat, how to get from the airport to the wedding venue, and you're being told to pay for all of it.

You have a lot of responsibilities at home. That's your first responsibility. You have expenses at home, and your presence at a wedding is not required.

I'd have a different answer if you were traveling to support your brother through cancer surgery, or if there had been some sort of tragedy. I'd have a different answer if this was a funeral. I'd have a different answer if the bride and groom were showing any sort of empathy for your situation.

As you say, this is a second wedding for two demanding 40-somethings. It seems that they haven't learned respect for people's difficult situations, and concern for others' budget constraints, and it seems that they're selfish enough to "flip out" because someone can't fly around holiday time and pay for a rental car and pay for a rental house that was chosen for them, and pay for their own reception food. I suggest that by agreeing to their demands, you're not doing them any favors and not tending to your own family's needs. Preventing people from flipping out over this type of situation is not your concern.

Let them flip out. Stay home. Send a gift.

You've posted a few times about how you can't afford this wedding. If you can't afford it, don't go. Nobody can make you feel bad or guilty for not going. Unless they offer to pay your way, they have no say.

You had me curious too. I just looked it up and it is suggested that the host (groom and bride) cover airport pickup and transportation to the festivities.

The only way I can see your brother and mother flipping out at all would be if they offered to pay your way and you refused because you wanted to see your town's local fireworks instead.

This is a lot to ask of people to attend their wedding. I have heard of people having a destination wedding coming home and throwing a party to celebrate after the fact so it is not a burden for all loved ones to attend. Honestly, your brother sounds a little self centered.

https://www.theknot.com/content/destination-weddings-who-...

Even though you purchased a non-refundable plane ticket, there may be a way to get part of your money back from that. Check the fine print and call your carrier.

I would humbly bow out. You are stretching your finances by going and the couple aren't considerate of your finances.

NO, you do not have to suck it up and go. The guests should NOT be paying for the post wedding meal (reception meal) but it is customary for the guests to pay for their lodging, transportation and other meals but not the reception meal. If your mother and brother can't help you go then you just can't go.

I would choose to stop the bleeding of money. Take the loss on the airline ticket or try to work that one out with the airline but I wouldn't go, send them my regrets and a decent gift and call it a day.

Destination weddings often become about weeding out the poorer on your guest list because you know they won't be able to afford to go to the wedding.

It's a second wedding.. they should elope if you ask me..

It sounds unreasonable and ridiculous to make everyone go through so many hoops. As your family, it probably is a suck it up kind of thing. I would have mentioned the inconvenience and cost , but that's just me..

Ms Post and Ms Landers are spinning....

In planning a destination wedding, my experience has been that the couple has two choices:
1) pay for the ceremony related expenses for the important people you want to be there, or
2) accept that the people important to you won't come because they can't afford the destination expenses

If you are important enough to be there, then you are important enough for them to pay for, at least for ceremony related activities.

I also think you don't have to go.

But if you do, I think you have the right to make it as budget friendly for you as you need it to be as long as it doesn't mess up the ceremony. I think it's ok to skip the dinner.

Are there other family members that you can make your own travel/lodging arrangements with outside of the happy couples prearranged plans?

It's not obvious to me that you 'just have to suck it up and pay what you need to pay'.
Approaching 40? 2nd wedding for both?
They are too old to be this immature - they are WAY overdue for some growing up.

There's no way I'd be able to attend a wedding like this.
I'd send a card, a modest gift (crystal candy dish, $20 tops), and call it a day.
They can flip out all they want.
Their outrageous demands on MY MONEY and how I choose to spend it - or not - is totally inappropriate.
If it's such a big deal for them - they can pay your way and foot the whole bill down to the last dime.
Your brother and wife-to-be are at a point where they want what they want.
Well good for them.
It's not up to you to make their dream wedding come true by bankrupting yourself in all the 'little' details - and these details are going to add up - and up.
I know you want to go - you deserve a good break - but this is financially irresponsible and you really should just say "No, sorry I can't afford this, I will not be able to attend. Give everyone my best regards.".
Don't worry about upsetting people who don't care about how upset they've made you.

Aside from paying for the dinner, the rest of the expenses are typically the responsibility of the guest and not the host. I realize it's all very expensive, but I believe anyone traveling to a wedding is responsible for their own airfare, lodging, and car rental. When I am a guest, I most certainly pay for these things myself. My own wedding was local to me, but across the country from much of my family and they all paid for their airfare, hotel, and cars. I don't think any of that is asking too much, though I do understand how it can be a hardship if you don't have the money for it. I would not have been offended if people said they couldn't come because of the travel expenses.

The airfare and the car are what they are - you can't change that. However, if the house is too expensive, I do think it's ok for you to look for a cheaper place to stay. I've never seen a wedding where guests are required to stay at a certain hotel/house - most hosts will give multiple options. If you want to be with your family, then you may want to stay in big house where everyone is together. But if you can find a place that's much cheaper, then don't be afraid to tell them you're staying somewhere else.

The dinner is ridiculous to me. I have never heard of a wedding reception where the guests have to pay for their meal. Do you know why they aren't at least hosting the meal? I think that is pretty rude.

I would recommend making a plan with your mom or another relative/friend to arrive at the airport and go back home around the same time so you can split the cost of a car. Even if your flights are within a couple hours of each other, you can just sit around the airport for awhile so that you have someone else to drive with. Try to find out who else is going before you book your flights so that you can try to coordinate your arrival and departure.

I know you've committed to going. In future though, I would approach these kinds of things this way - Will it positively affect our family, or negative impact our family? If it's negative, say no. We do this with my husband's family and it has simplified our lives. After a couple of years, his family seems to have figure out we do what works for our family - and that it's nothing personal. His mother still gets a bit bent out of shape, but that's her problem.

We had a wedding at my old home town. People had to travel by car but it was very doable. We arranged accommodation (got a deal on the hotel we had the wedding festivities at) so it was very reasonable. The rehearsal dinner and wedding dinner was paid for. Drinks were paid for. My family and friends picked up people at the airport and shuttled them around. Our guests didn't really have to do or think of anything. They were taken car of. Even the entertainment was provided - we arranged things for out of towners to do if they so wished. Most did.

We have declined wedding invitations to destination weddings that just didn't work for us. I also didn't go to my childhood best friend's wedding because I was hugely pregnant and didn't want to travel by plane.

Put yourself first in future. This sounds like a total pain in the behind.

I have never heard of paying for yourself at a reception dinner. Did it actually say that on the invitation? Wow. I would be passing on this event and just send a small gift.

Asking guests to pay for dinner is ridiculously tacky - the dinner is the reception, right? That alone would put me over the edge.

For a destination wedding, guests basically are deciding whether or not they want to spend money on a vacation that happens to include a wedding - airfare, lodging and transportation are on the guests. That said, a courteous host minimizes these things. When one of my sisters got married in NYC, she reserved a block of rooms at a hotel (with the help of our cousin, who worked for the hotel chain) and you knew the price well in advance and could factor that into your decision. They had a rehearsal dinner in walking distance of the hotel and picked up the bill for everyone. For the wedding itself, the ceremony and reception were in the same place and they hired two buses to drive everyone from the hotel to the site of the wedding and back. I believe they may have also hosted and paid for a brunch the morning after the wedding but we were there with a newborn and caught an early train back to Boston.

With destination weddings, all bets are off for tradition.

But speaking of tradition, really, the bride usually DOES run the show. It surprises me that you are fussing about that. She has saved money for it, from what you've detailed here. She's not telling your brother to pony up for a big expensive to-do.

Yes, it's surprising that she's not offering a free meal, but perhaps there is something being offered at other times while you're there. Breakfast, lunch maybe? Perhaps you don't have all the details? It would be nice if she were paying for the dinner, but perhaps she doesn't have the money.

I'm not defending the bride's choice of places to get married. However, "destination" means "not close to friends and family" for the most part. It it's in Aruba or somewhere like that, everyone has to travel. You'd have to have someone drive you if you were out of the country, rather than being able to rent a car.

I do hope that when you go, you focus on the happiness of the couple and making the most of the trip by having fun, rather than not liking the way that the bride has decided to plan HER wedding. Yes, it would be nice if she were more thoughtful about her guests and didn't have a destination wedding, but truly, NO ONE has to show up. They choose to. As do you.

No, you don't "have to". Please look into counseling to establish healthy boundaries for your relationships with family members, that is beyond messed up. An "oh, I can't make it, so sorry" is all that's needed - no excuses necessary. And please don't think I'm being ugly or nasty - that's not the tone it's meant in, I just really feel sad that you feel that way 😕 We had some boundary issues with a member of my husbands family, we set up a line, and she pouted for a good 2-3 years, but she's accepted she won't control us and our relationship is fabulous. Good luck!

How about this. Stay home and when they get back, host a reception party in your area.

I wanted to attend one of my son's ushers wedding but it was in Mexico and not Colorado. I sent a gift to them.

As others have said, no one is holding a gun to your head to go to this wedding. Besides it is a second wedding and not a first. Family is nice but not when they tell you how to spend your money that you don't have. Your nucleus family comes first and all others come after.

Stay home and be done with it. No one can make you feel guilty but you about not attending. You are a grown woman with enough on your plate.
See about getting some of the money back and spend a staycation at your home for a couple hundred with all of your immediate family and a BBQ.

the other S.

PS Life is too short for all the drama you have. Time to pull back and be selfish for your own family's needs.

They sure are asking a LOT of their guests. Wow. The fact that the airport is the next state over and they are not paying for the rehearsal dinner is stunning. I don't understand why people don't get married close to their friends and family and then fly off to their destination dream afterwards. I guess if you have already bought a ticket see if you can share a rental car with someone else going to split the cost (or with more than one person). You can order something inexpensive from the menu. Try to enjoy yourself. One or both of the people in this couple must be quite selfish. If it were me I would call my brother and say you are VERY concerned about the price of lodging. That you hope the price will be reasonable. Ignore your mom and brother for flipping out on you for even considering not coming. That would have been a perfectly reasonable choice. PS - I went alone to a family wedding last year and shared a hotel room and rental car with my mom. Honestly, with the plane tickets and everything it was costly and I didn't even have fun. I wish I had just skipped it. Guilt trips from family members work sometimes though.

Wow!

Well, no, this is not always "how destination weddings go".

BUT - I wonder if maybe this is more about "how second weddings go"...?

I mean, it sounds like they are doing the total opposite of throwing a big white wedding. They are barely "throwing" (hosting) anything. Which might be related to their version of "scaling back" for a second wedding.

I do agree that you might as well suck it up and go all the way. True Love only comes around twice (at least I hope so, for your bank account).

You've gotten lots of good responses. I'll just reinforce that if you do decide to attend the wedding, it is perfectly appropriate for you to do it in a way which will inflict the least damage on your finances. Being able to plan approximately how much you will spend is definitely important. Perhaps there are other guests whom you know well and can share a cheaper hotel room? Also, finding a way to carpool with other guests so not everyone has to rent a car would probably help not only you, but the other guests. Request contact information for any other attendees whom you know well would be a good option.

Finally, I'm stunned by the idea of having guests pay for their own meal at the celebration after the ceremony. I'm no expert on etiquette, however that seems unbelievably rude. That said, not attending the meal feels a little like going off to sulk in the corner. Would it be possible for you to go and order a small salad or appetizer or dessert? Make sure in advance it isn't a buffet place or somewhere that will require you to purchase a full meal, though, and if it is, then bow out gracefully. Or perhaps you could propose to your mother and/or brother that they cover the cost of your meal, since they feel so strongly that they want to have you there? It would be a nice gesture... Anyway, good luck with it!

Wow, I'd have to say I was going to make my own plans or I'd need my mom and/or brother to help pay part of it. Sounds really sad that it's so disorganized. I would love to know where the destination is, after the wedding maybe you can tell us all about the location and the venue.

My cousin's daughter got married in Italy. Anyone that went paid their own flight and hotel and food and everything. It cost at least a thousand per person I bet. They had a nice turn out of family though.

I hope your brother has a nice turn out too.

Short answer, don't go.

It is not fair of them to ask for their guest to suffer such a large financial burden for their wedding. If you could easily afford it then that would be different, but do not take from what your family needs in order to indulge this kind of selfishness. They have every right to have whatever kind of wedding they want, where ever they want, but if they make it expensive for guests they have no right to be mad when those invited decide not to come.

Example, my BFF forever (and maid of honor in my wedding) had a destination wedding with many of the same issues you talk about. In the end I did not go because it would have been a burden on my family to afford it and would have meant no family trips for us that year. In the end none of her friends made it, only her mother and sister, that was the cost of deciding on that kind of wedding.

Now on the other hand when my BIL got married they knew people would have to pay to come and stay at the location so they rented several cabins for their guests to stay in free of charge, it cost them more for the cost of their wedding but it was THIER wedding after all and they didn't feel their guests should have to pick up the tab for their location choice. Everyone came and we all had a wonderful time.

I have never been to a wedding where I had to pay to go to the reception, destination or otherwise.
Airfare and a room? Yes, that's on you but you could always decline and send a gift instead.
I would for sure opt out of the house and book my own room.

no, you don't "have to" do anything. Since you do not want to go, don't go. I didn't attend my bestfriend's wedding because I thought it would be an expense we couldn't afford at the time. You just say, "sorry, I just can't do this right now. I wish I could."

We will be attending a destination wedding next year. I have no details, but I can tell you that this destination is a 30 hour flight. We will be buying 5 airline tickets and paying for who knows what. I am happy to pay for whatever. This is my BIL and we are thrilled that he has found someone he wants to marry and build a life with (my BIL is 46, we are 45). I even started a fund for a possible wedding a year or so ago, and now I am starting another one for a trip about 8 hours away by plane for a possible SIL wedding. I am looking at it as a great way to visit with family we never see and as a chance to travel with the kids. It will be super expensive, but with some planning, we can cover it without it impacting other goals. (to be fair, we usually do international trips every other year to visit my MIL, so I do have a "travel" account for such things.) With all of that said, I was planning a trip to Italy and now who knows when (or if) that will ever happen, I feel a little bummed about that one. We've been trying to get to Italy for 16 years.....

In your case, if you don't feel the love, then don't go or you will go and end up bitter about it. Like you said, you technically can't afford it. So you can't go. I'm not sure how you can go if you can't technically afford it. Either you have the money or you don't. Send a gift.