Teen Issues - Disrespect and Phone Usage

The issue is not mom's rules at her house.
The issue is your husband's lack of enforcing rules at his house.

Your step kids are old enough to understand that each setting has its own boundaries...do they stay attached to their device at school? I bet not. Do they tell their teachers that they must follow the mom's rules while at school? I bet not. So they have the ability to understand certain rules in certain environments. End of story.

But they sure have manipulated this little caveat to come between you and your husband and wreak havoc on your home.

So back to the real issue of how your husband is going to parent all of his children. Forget focusing on the step kids. The real focus should be how you and your husband work as a team at home, with him being the primary enforcer with your step kids.

Once these boundaries are set and enforced there will be less confusion for 8 year old.
And yes, different ages have different boundaries.

I'm just going to respond to the question about your 8 year old because I don't have stepkids.

Kids and teens have different maturity levels, different expectations and different responsibilities. Whether they are step siblings or not, you cannot let young kids do the same thing as older kids. They are not equal.

You can't consider the "unfairness" about technology with him, compared with the older kids. There are movies that older kids can watch that younger kids can't. Younger kids have to go to bed earlier than older kids. Stuff like that. Same thing with electronics.

you cannot parent your stepkids on your own. if your husband is not completely on board with this, you are just setting yourself up to be the ghoul.
let all the rest of this go until you've come to a place of agreement with your husband.
if you can't do that, the rest is fruitless.
yes, it's a pity for your 8 year old, but trying to make rules that your stepkids won't follow and aren't being backed up by either of their parents will, i promise you, backfire badly.
khairete
S.

If the stepkids are THAT attached/addicted to their devices, why bother having them come over at all?
I mean, sure, it's a custody deal, but when they are glued to a screen 24/7, how 'present' are they?
I see them having the potential of infecting your 8 yr old with the 'video game' bug and then the battle will have been brought firmly into your home.
It's too bad the older kids have been allowed to go this way but with no rules on the other side, you and you're Hubby are left dealing with trying to enforce some and I can see what sort of a nightmare that's turning out to be.
Dad might really need to rethink what sort of custody arrangement he's got.
It might be time to amend it.

My kids love their devices as well. All three have ipads and two have smart phones. The youngest will likely get a smart phone next Christmas. My kids all work hard in school and are involved in sports and family....so if they want their down time to be on a device, it's okay in our house.

However, we also engage them. They help us cook, we play games, they help us plan vacations/outings, we clean, we do things together. There are very few days a year where we aren't slammed busy.

Can you try to get them involved with you guys in other ways?

I agree with Doris that your 8 year old can learn that their are different rules for things based on age and maturity. Because that's what it's like at our house. Same as having different bedtimes, etc.

But I get your point about how out of control it is, and they aren't following the rules that are set. That is a bad thing for your 8 year to see - that they get away with breaking the rules.

To me, this all boils down to your husband. He is the bio parent - he should be enforcing the rules. I don't know how it works with step kids as I have none, but my good friend does. She enforces rules if dad is not there, which isn't too often. If there is a problem (if they disrespect her) then dad handles it. Then and there. They are very strict if his kids aren't respectful - they take away privileges completely. So it works for them. She knows that he will handle it. So while it can be stressful (same as you, different rules at bio mom's house), it is manageable.

I see you've asked this kind of thing before - so I am guessing the thing that hasn't changed is how your husband is dealing with it. If it were me (and I've been there), I would take away the devices. If my kids become addicted to them (i.e. I haven't seen them in a while because they have been on them too long) they get taken away for rest of day. I do this with my teens - and believe me, it smartens them up.

I guess I don't have rules so much as I just am like how my mom was. If we were on TV too much, she would shut it off for the rest of the day (to everyone) and tell us to go outside or call up friends. That's how I am with my kids.

I suppose rules can be different at both houses. My kids have best pals who are allowed to use their devices more than we do. They spend a lot of time there, especially over the summer. I can't control what goes on there. Just what happens at my house.

Your husband - does he have a backbone? I'm not trying to be mean here - but what does he do in all this? I feel for you. It would drive me nuts if my husband was in charge of kids here in our home but he wasn't being effective in parenting them. I get that you can't tell him how to parent them (they are his natural kids) but maybe he could read a book or something on teens - because he isn't being effective - and to me, that's the larger issue here.

Until he does, to me it sounds as if these problems will just keep reoccurring. No doubt it is frustrating.

As a stepmother of 2 and a mother of 1, I get where you're coming from. It's always hard for kids to bounce from one house to the next, with different sets of rules. Some kids also are very clever at using that to their advantage, telling parent A that a specific activity is always allowed by parent B. Some kids may use their electronics (or any other toy/item) as a transition aid, that is, almost a security symbol that they can hang on to in the shift from one environment to the next. With electronics, kids also have the opportunity for escape into the device or the virtual world so that they don't have to really deal with the new home. (They may do the same thing going back to Mom & Stepdad.)

I completely understand the frustrations of being a stepparent. And I'm going to say this with compassion and understanding: you have to back off. The common denominator between the step kids and your kid is...your husband. He is the only one who can take their stuff away, tell them that this behavior or that are not permitted, to not get manipulated by their freaking out (which is the teen version of a tantrum). Yes, they are hormonal, but so what? The 16 year old is going to be getting a driver's license soon - are you telling me that tantrums and use of electronics and the inability to calm the hell down are going to be permitted while behind the wheel? He's your best bet, actually - because he can see the signs of maturity on the horizon.

Your husband has to put down family rules for all 3 kids. Period. As much as it kills you, don't speak. Don't weigh in. Don't let your husband say, "Your stepmother and I think that_____." You say that to your son, absolutely. But your husband handles his kids 100%. Otherwise, you will be the bad guy. He has to find his backbone and make rules.

Now, I know damn well that the teens may say they don't want to come on the weekends or even be there mid-week. I know that's a risk. But you have to hang tough. It will get worse before it gets better. But at some point, those older boys need their father, they want car privileges, they want rides to the mall or new fancy sneakers or something else. Make them earn it. They are NOT going to be allowed certain things in your house, period. You can set a certain number of hours to use screens (iPads, computers, whatever) but you must set aside some times (maybe dinner until the dishes are cleared and put in the dishwasher, maybe a ban 90 minutes before bedtime because of sleep disturbances, maybe some tie-in to school performance or chores). It's a house rule. Period. That means you and Dad and the littlest boy aren't on those devices either - the one boy has a point in saying that you don't have to adhere to the rule so why should he. He's approaching adulthood and he's savvy. I'm not saying you never use a computer, but that you can model the behavior you wish to see. "I pay the bill" isn't going to cut it on a daily basis. They can sulk at the table if they want to, but there's no option. The more they protest, the more they whine or disrespect, the longer the time is. You have to learn how to handle his disrespect without caving in. You have all the power - you just need to use it more quietly and calmly, with more patience. Wait for the infraction and the consequence - you don't always have to hit him over the head with it by nagging or yelling. Calmer, but resolute.

I'm having some trouble with some of your words/typos. I don't know, for example, what hbd,e means. But I think you need to look at the word "cave" and why you are considering it - and why you are letting these kids run your life. Without disrespecting you and your role with the younger child and as your husband's partner in equality, your husband must handle these boys, not because he's a man, but because they are not (sorry!) yours. Doesn't mean you don't love them and care of them and have something to contribute. But all of that has to happen behind closed doors. You can remove your child form scenes he shouldn't witness, and you can ask/insist that your husband take the older boys out of the room (perhaps the room where the snacks and TV are!) when they are out of control or inappropriate. But you all, as a family, need screen rules and electronic black-out times.

The longer you wait, the less influence you have. Don't wait.

re read what wild womad said.. its what i was going to say.

Not sure why they would have to check their phones the minute they walk through the door at your house. That part seems unreasonable.

However, there is no reason that you should put up with disrespectful behavior and no reason that you cannot implement a few sensible rules such as "no phone use" at the dinner table. Or that you don't have your face in the phone while you're talking with someone but instead put down the phone and look at that person they're talking with. Basic, respectful behavior. The kind of behavior they would be expected to show in proper social situations and the workplace.

At bedtime, or, at least, at a certain point at night (should differ based on age and maturity),
the phones go out of the bedrooms to the charger where they remain for the rest of the night. The 16 year-old should have a bit more leeway and freedom than the 13 year-old. They both should have more access than the 8 year-old. That's just how it works, and you have to explain that to your 8 year-old. He's not going to get to drive at age 8, just because his 16 year-old brother can drive, right? It's not "unfairness" ---it's life, and it's up to you to explain that to your youngest. His older siblings are always going to be able to to do things he cannot, until your youngest reaches as certain age.

You and your husband need to talk together privately, first, and come up with guidelines for your house and then engage the older kids in a discussion of your expectations. Don't make the rules so harsh that they're impossible to follow (like taking their phones when they walk through the door, if I understood your post correctly), but, rather, make reasonable, respectful guidelines for phone use. You and your husband need to be on the same page, or this won't work.

You don't just throw your hands up and let mom and step-dad deal with it. You and your husband are parents, too. Find a middle ground where you teach your kids common behavioral courtesies with phones and media while respecting their growing need to have some independence with their devices.

We turn off the router if we want the technology off. If they use up all their data then it's off and they can't connect.

Our plan allows us to limit data usage for anyone on our plan. So we limit our girl to a minimal amount. I have data on all the time and hubby keeps his turned off because he uses our internet wireless.

So if our girl has taken her phone to her bedroom and is on it we only have to turn off the router and she no longer has a signal to use the internet. She can, of course, still use the phone to call people but can't be online.

The 16 year old, he's going to be out on his own at college or at life in a year and a half to two years. It's time to do this differently with him. He is nearly an adult and you need to stop drawing the line and demanding he obey. This doesn't help him grow up and make good decisions. If he's so unhappy with your rules I wonder why he even comes to visit anymore. He's old enough to go to court and tell the judge he no longer wants visitation. He can simply refuse to get in the car when you go pick him up too. So you need to step back and look at the big picture.

What do you want to accomplish? Are you really needing him to do something? Like come to dinner without the phone? Go to an activity and participate without the phone? Or are you simply trying to tell him he can only use his phone/tablet for a certain amount of time then it's over? That won't work with him. Probably not the next one either.

They have zero rules at mom's house. So you are fighting a losing battle/war. What will happen is that they will simply stop coming. You can't be totally opposite from mom's house and you're not even their mom, don't mean to be mean but if dad isn't on board with this and handling this issue himself then it's even less likely to have any desired outcome.

It doesn't work like you want. You have to make concessions. You don't want your younger child online all the time? Then don't let him be online all the time. When the other kids are there you are going to have to tell your younger kiddo that they're older and when he's older he'll have different rules too.

There's a way to pick your battles and wars and find ways to compromise.

First I would ask for a sit down meeting with the bio mom and dad. See if you 3 can come up with some rules for both houses so the kids aren't confused.

Or find a parental control device like Disney Circle. You sync all devices up to this software and you can set limits, filter out content, set up time limits etc.

Either way, your 8 yr old needs to be told consistently that their behavior is unacceptable. And that you love him so much and that's why you will have rules for him even though his half siblings get away with stuff.

Your house, your rules. The rules need to be on as level a playing field as possible, with allowances for the age differences.
If your rule is "no electronics after bedtime," then that rule needs to apply to all the kids. Period. End of sentence.
Swearing at my parents over anything I wanted would have resulted in the item being taken away for a LONG time. I would make it clear that if he can't use the item according to your rules, then he won't have it at all at your house.