How Do You Handle Other People's Kids Using Electronic Devices While Visiting?

I have this issue with my SIL and her husband. They allow their kids to bring multiple devices to every family gathering (3DS, IPad, IPhone). I make my kids leave theirs in the car and remind them that we are there to visit with family. This creates all sorts of angst. My kids are mad because their cousins get to play, and they don't. My nephew and niece get mad because they don't want to share and tell my kids to go out to the car and get their own. I have had many an argument with my BIL about this. He thinks it's great to let them play because it keeps them quiet and happy, and he doesn't have to deal with them. I tell them the kids play with devices enough (especially my nephew) and that family gatherings are not the place for it. I'm gearing up for another showdown this weekend as we'll be getting together with my husband's family.

Going to visit someone then basically ignoring them is just rude.
They can play on the ride over and back (if it's a long ride) but for the visit the devices can stay in the car.
If their parents are going to let them do that every time they visit, I'd stop inviting them over.

It is rude but there is not much you can do if she wants to let them play on them. I know my son's played on theirs last summer while visiting their cousins but most the time they where sharing. But we as the parents told them when they had to put them up and they where not on them all the time. You really can't control what others let their kids do even if they are related. My son had a girlfriend last year that they texted constantly. My mom would get upset at him for doing it and me for letting him. I was like if this is the worst he's going then let him be. He would still interact with everyone. And at my brothers he put it up to play with cousins. You might talk you husband and ask him to talk to his sister next time and ask about limiting the time they are on it but have stuff planned for them to do so they are not board and missing them.

If we are having a conversation or sight seeing? Darned tooting I will say - "I'm HERE and talking to you".

Kids do NOT need their devices. They need to look BEYOND the electronics and see the world. My kids are not allowed to have electronics while "visiting". Not at the table while eating or during a conversation. If it comes out of their pocket? It goes to my hand. HOW FREAKING RUDE!!!

Nope. I would have told the kids directly. MY HOUSE. MY RULES. Don't like it? There's the door. Life is more than a damn electronic device. SAY SOMETHING!!!

The kinder way to approach it is before they even arrive. "Please have the kids leave their electronics in the car so all of the cousins can visit and have a good time. We limit the use of electronics in our home, it's it's not much of a visit if the kids are all trying to play with them the entire time."

I do not think it's something that ought to have been addressed in front of the kids, as it undermines your SIL's authority as a parent. He should have pulled her aside and asked that the electronics be put away so the kids could all go play together.

If the devices belong to the kids and their parents are okay with them playing with them, you really have no say and shouldn't butt in.
You can set the rule of no devices at the table, since it's your table, but if they're just farting around with them to pass the time, then that's their prerogative.
You have every right to maintain yur own rules for your own kids. You are not obligated to let them do things you don't normally allow just because their aunt and uncle allow their cousins to.
They will just have to learn that different families have different rules, and you follow the rules your parents give you.

Surprised to see some are saying that guest kids shouldn't be told by you, the hosts, that they can't use their electronics while visiting with you.

Your house, your rules!

Especially in the situation you describe - visiting cousins they haven't seen in years -- it's beyond rude to have devices out. It is also rude of their parents to allow it. Some parents get into a mode of "well, it keeps the kids occupied and that allows us adults to talk," but that is only going to breed a generation that doesn't know (a) manners, (b) how to behave around their elders, (c) how to interact with their peers (other than by maybe sharing a game on a device, but seriously, these devices are not really about shared games much of the time).

The kids' parents, not you, should have told them no devices. They should have told the kids to leave the devices in the car and to DO something with their cousins. As host, you might have helped the situation by having something specific lined up for the kids to do (craft materials out, a game already set up in the back yard, board games out and ready to play, whatever) but that is only a plus and a help -- not your obligation. It was the other parents' obligation to show their kids how to be polite and to take the opportunity to train their kids in some manners. They blew it.

And it IS your place to tell her kids what they can do in YOUR home: "Hey, kids, we don't do devices when we've got other kids to play with! There is a so-and-so game in the back yard, so head on out there and we'll call you when it's time for lunch" or whatever. And you stand there and look at them expectantly as your own kids take the lead and say, "Yay, let's go outside!"

You can't restrict other kids' electronics usage. That will NOT go over well with their parents if the parents are right there.

What I would do is make sure you have some interesting activities lined up for the kids. Give them a motivation to get off the devices. It's not enough to tell kids of today to "just go play," especially older kids. Point out fun activities and tell ALL of the kids to go outside. Water guns are super for nine and 11 year olds.

We let our son take his DS with him if we know we're going to be at someplace boring for him or when there won't be any kids his age to play with during a visit. We do restrict the amount of time he can spend on it, though.

It's rude. Plain and simple.

Granted, what they do is their business....but when in your home it should be your rules. And if the rule is no screen time when there's company, then that's the rule for everyone. Period.

I think it's rude and I'm sure I probably would have said something directly to the kids. I would have also argued with the mom. If the kids are just going to sit there and play on their electronic devices, she could have left them at home! Knowing me, I probably would have said that to her. LOL!

If the parents are there then you can redirect the kids to an outside activity or another activity that doesn't use electronics. If the parents aren't there then gather up all electronics and send them out.

Bottom line is it is the parents choice if they are present during the visit.

*Edit

Just because they are family doesn't mean that they get along. I have cousins that I only saw once a year and we honestly don't have anything in common except that we are related. It was horrible to deal with them every year and if I could have I would have rather had other distractions, instead I was forced to interact with them and it made for a miserable visit every year. To this day I still can't stand to be around them (it is a mutual decision).

I would just encourage the kids to play with each other, send them outside, set up some sprinklers or something. Have your kids bring out the Xbox if you have one, my kids LOVE playing video games with their friends and cousins, especially the boys. We have a small sno cone machine which is also a big hit when we have crowds of kids over.
Sometimes when cousins haven't been together for a long time they need time to warm up to each other, and they may need a little push from the adults. Staying on their individual devices certainly doesn't help, but I wouldn't feel it's my place to forbid it.

How I handle it depends on the situation. In general, kids (especially older ones) tend to be on their electronic devices all the time but I draw the line at dinner time regardless of who it is if in my home or in my care.

In the situation you described, they were family so it makes sense to speak up but since their mom was there your hubby should have spoken to his sister and either allowed her to tell them or gotten her ok to enforce whatever guidelines were being given.

I personally would not have allowed my children to use theirs (unless it was a prolonged visit) and would have said the following if someone said "well Jimmy and Johnny are using theirs'": "I'm not Jimmy and Johnny's mom so I don't set their rules but I am yours and I want you to use your manners and interact with our guests".

I may have also said in general... "You kids have all summer to play on the iPad...don't you want to visit with your cousins while they are here?...Kids today!".

I would not let my kids do that but it's not my place to tell someone else they can't do that. I might try and encourage them to play something by bringing out an activity.

When it's my own home, I have rules for children, and adults for that matter. I'm not being a bad host by letting people do what they want against my wishes just to make them happy. I'm being rude to myself and my family. If I don't want children playing on devices in my home then I make a kind announcement to all that no devices will be played on in the house and give them all alternatives, such as playing outside (sprinkler, water guns, bikes, croquet, etc) or board games. Just let visiting guests and their children know that your children aren't allowed to do certain things and have rules and that applies to all children who come into your home. Set the rules and boundaries from the beginning. That includes junk food and such. Let the adults know that it's not fair to some kids to go by rules and others to have a free for all. What they do in their house is their business but you have set rules in yours.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

I guess everyone has different rules. I would find it rude. I find it rude when my husband answers the phone at dinner time and we were raised to tell people we will call later. I found myself aghast when we were out for father's day and a husband and wife were with their parents -both were on separate phones during almost the entire meal. What's that? They are out spending a lot of money, could be enjoying family time and well...again different folks.
I think it's rude, but I have noticed kids who are usually arguing in back seats of cars aren't doing that anymore and if someone is sharing the other kids get a kick out of it. As for my opinion, for me in my life I'd try to figure out how designate a time for that use and make it out in the open.

I would not allow it. Children do not need electronics 24/7, especially if they are visiting family/friends that they have not seen in awhile. Kids need to go outside and play. If you feel that there would be an argument about it with the other adults, then suggest that they kids gather together and give them a project that will not involve the electronics.

It is your house, your rules, period.

My son tried this when we were visiting family and there were 9 other kids (3 are babies though). I had to take away the mp3 player/headphones, because not only was it not fair to everyone else especially those that cannot afford such devices, but it is also VERY rude.

It is really rude for the parents to allow their kids to be so disengaged when visiting family. I can't stand it but I would not start an argument with the parents over it. I would just encourage the kids to join us in doing something fun like playing games.

If my kids are the only kids there and they want to play on a screen...yes, that is fine...the adults can talk in peace.

If there are some kids who have screens and some who do not have them...then no it is not okay because there are not enough for everyone to play.

I would have simply said to all the children..."kids, you don't get to see your cousins very often why don't all of you go and play." If your SIL backed you up and told her kids to stop with the screen time and encouraged play, fine...if not, well they are her kids and her responsibility.

It was rude but not really your husband's place to say so...

Imagine if two of the seven kids brought cupcakes and ate them in front of the others without enough to go around...same thing to me...

Here is my general feeling, yes electronics are rude and my kids would leave their in the car. I doubt i would tell my neice and nephews to turn their off though. maybe if i did a ok in 45 mins we are all going for a walk and all electronics will be turned off from that point forward. hopefully they would condsider themselves as the "we" going for the walk and would respect that but i probably wouldn't make it in issue with the kids that were not my own should they get it back out later. I might make a snarky comment to my BIL/SIL and see if they did anything about it. or as you suggested be a grown up and discuss it privately.

BUT having said all that i have to share that my MILs house if full of knickKnacks. While she doesnt' mind them being touched she does get really huffy is someone accidentally bumps them or is careless around them. which is so confusing considering that she is completely fine with the kids playing ball in the house. Nephew is 12.5 DS is 9.11 Neice is 9 DD is 8.5 and newphew is 6. My kids would do puzzles, legos, put on stuffed animal shows, play boardgames or cardgames, Newphews/Neice are only intersted in throwing things and always carry several types of balls with them, and making up pretend verbal plays were my kids are always the least desirable role. I"m so sick of my kids being tackled and coming close to crashing into the curio cabinet that i am at the point were i do encourage the electronics because that is the onlything i can get the other kids to SIT and do. BIL/SIL are agast that i am ok with it, But after years of trying to encourage anything that won't wreck the house, i'm just done. What really really bites is that so far nothing really has been broken yet ( other than my sons glasses), so they don't understand why i get tense everytime they start playing tackle hockey. so that's my persepective.

I will take it another way and my response will also answer your question.

We went on a 3 girl road trip and the other 2 ladies a few years my junior--TEXTEed and FB posted pics of the trip the WHOLE Darn weekend! Then friends had to call and comment on the posts and the friends entertained those calls...

I have found that not everyone shares the same ideas about what is appropriate and what is not in just about ANY matter. Electronics, clothing choices, food, you name it.

I'm not going to say they shouldn't have been allowed. But if that is the rule you want to implement in your home, you should have the discussion with the adults involved in private, in advance.

Generally, we don't let our kids sit on electronic stuff when there are other people around to interact with. If there is a really large age gap between the kids is when it is most likely to happen, because the kids have little common ground. I have sometimes seen kids play together on stuff though (Minecraft for example) that bonds them and gets them going so that they can move on to real life interaction. It just depends upon the kids.

Do I make my kids electronics completely off limits in a social situation? No. But they ARE expected to be polite and interact, and if we are the hosting family, then they are to host and not withdraw and be rude on their electronics. If it is guests that stay all day long... then closer to the end of the visit (after 5 hours kids need a break sometimes) I am more lenient if the kids need some space. But if someone is trying to engage them, the electronics get put away.

Well, it just boils down to: they are not you or your Husband, and you/your Husband are not them.

Your Husband said it in front of everyone. Oh well. It happened. Can't redo that. It was said among family, that is why he probably felt "comfortable" saying it in front of everyone.

Even if they are relatives or not, some kids are ALWAYS on their gadgets. They are just addicted and have NO idea what to do with themselves, if they are not at a screen. My daughter has a friend like that. Her friend's family are just that way. All their kids are just constantly at some gadget/device. I just feel GLAD, my daughter/son are not that way. They can entertain themselves without any devices or gadgets.
Different strokes for different folks.

If some kid is over at our house, and brought their device and they are just dong their device, I tell them "don't you want to play? You can look at your device anytime, but you can't visit here all the time.... how about you do something else?"

But the other issue is when they are not at your house. You said the parents have them staying in the house all summer by themselves and all they do is watch tv and play devices.
Well, that is their house. Not yours.
But MAYBE the parents tell them that they CANNOT go outside at all, being they are home alone by themselves. So their devices are ways that they try to entertain themselves.
Or not.
But that is their house.
Hopefully, they are safe. I would be more concerned about the kids being safe/responsible, being home alone by themselves all day. Rather than if they play on their devices all day or not.

We believe in being social when together with friends and family like that.
Devices will get pulled out and passed around to share a favorite song someone thinks the other will like or to share a video or show off a new game a lot and that we don't mind. A little downtime during a really long day isn't a problem. But to just sit and watch a movie and ignore the rest is something we don't allow. It bothers me when others take it to that extreme as well.

If they weren't visiting my house, I would myob. If it were my home, I would try to redirect/engage the kids, but not care if they kept to their devices. Technically, they're playing with toys, just different types of toys. It's no different if my son went to someone's house and sat on the couch playing with his Transformer the whole time (although, I can't remember that ever happening since my son will always pick partying with others over being alone). As long as they were polite (the post doesn't say they weren't) and respectful (speaking politely, doing other things as asked, etc), I don't see anything wrong with what they were doing.

Maybe they were brand new devices - I'm pretty sure all parents know how kids can be for the first month when they get something new. That might have been poor planning on the parents' fault if that's the case, but still nothing to get in an argument about, imo.

I also view the part about visiting cousins they haven't seen in years a bit differently - now that I'm older, I see it as precious time wasted. But to them, they are visiting strangers with whom they probably have nothing in common. And now they see their uncle as a Judgey McJudgerson know-it-all, instead of someone they might want to know better.
Staying in the house all summer watching tv may be the perfect break for them - they may have had a completely hectic school year, of studying, sports, practices, other things that didn't allow for them to just 'be'. I have a neice who spends her summers that way, decompressing from the school/sports/volunteering/working craziness she has for over 9mos/year.

We had a family visit us for a long day, a couple with a 10yo son. Our son was 3-1/2 at the time and we had nothing for the 10yo to do. He came with his ipod and played it most of the time. Every once in a while, he took a break to talk, or get something to eat, or watch our son do something silly. I had no problem with him playing with the device.

I hope the rest of the visit went much better and maybe everyone can stay in touch for visiting more often.

As a rule of thumb, I always say I am responsible for raising my kids not anyone else's. If their parent is in the room, then I think they make the rules. Just as I expect to make the rules for my child when I am there and not have someone else step on my toes. If the electronics belonged to your child then it would be your rules but their electronics with their parents there I would let them make the rules. I may handle it by trying to find a fun activity for my kids to do that would distract the other kids from the electronics. I would also have no problem telling my children no if they asked to use their electronics. Typically children will say well they are doing it, why can't we? I would explain that we do not use electronics when we have friends over and leave it at that. If the parents don't take the hint from there, well then they are never going to get it and it isn't worth arguing with them.

Each couple had a different idea of how children should be raised and if you try to push your values on other people it will result in many arguments and perhaps lost relationships. Even when I am responsible for other children, I enforce my rules but do not try to explain why. I tell them no and just say that isn't how we do it at our house with no other explanation. I want my children to understand the reasons behind the rules and learn about values ect but if you try to teach your values to other children, you may end up with angry parents, especially because the child isn't likely to explain it exactly the way you said it.

Yes, rude (and sad) on their part. Hard to say about hubby's comments, as different families have different boundaries.

As for what would I do, that's a tough one. While I understand those who say "her kids, her rules", we all know that one electronic device affects all the kids in the room. I probably would have told the kids, not her, something like "Our kids are not permitted to use devices when we're visiting. If you can't find something fun to do with your cousins, you will have to take your devices to another room." Not so subtle hint, I know, but it makes it clear how WE feel, what we expect of our children, and what we would prefer the other kids do, without telling them what they can't do.

I think if she wants to allow her kids to do it that is up to her. Personally I wouldn't let my kids do that unless they were somewhere that there truly was nothing to do, like in the instance where there were breakables around and no other kids to play with. I don't know the age range of all the kids but possibly a factor if everyone else was younger? I think encouraging all kids to do something constructive would be the best way to handle. Direct your kids and ask if they want to follow.