Teen Daughter's 'Girl Drama' over New Boyfriend

Divide and conquer. If he is going to be gone in a few months, she needs to keep both sides away from each other. She has to be able to keep her relationship w/the bf but she can't alienate her friends as well or else they will leave her high and dry after he leaves.

She shouldn't talk about her friends around the boyfriend and she shouldn't talk about the boyfriend at all w/her friends. She'll come out on top if both sides she she won't participate in any of them dissing of the other side.

If I were her I'd also try to avoid being in the same room/hallway/lunch table w/both parties, if at all possible.

All the girl drama aside I will tell you what I tell my daughter. Girl friends are way more important at this age than boyfriends. When I was in 9th grade my boyfriend was an 11th grader. We hung out with mostly his friends since they were older and cooler:). We broke up over the summer. It was almost like starting a new school in 10th grade. Although I had friends, my friends already had a group of friends they hung out with and I wasn't in that crowd any more. It took some time for me to get back in the crowd.

Your daughter is a freshman. Why can't kids just be "friends"?
In my opinion, it's too soon for the boyfriend/girlfriend thing.
I mean, you can't stop it all together, but if she and the boy like each other, why does it even have to be about "breaking up" or not?
I understand peer pressure. But your daughter should be able to be friends with anyone she wants. And, she certainly can break up with friends who don't believe she should be free to have OTHER friends of her own choosing.
I was a late bloomer. I admit it.
When I was a freshman, a boy asked me to go steady. I said yes.
But, then I got all freaked out about what that was supposed to mean and I "broke up" with him the next day.
He turned out to be one of my very closest friends. We liked each other and we knew it. Just not the boyfriend/girlfriend kind of way. At least not on my part.
I was 15.
When he broke his jaw skateboarding, I helped him sip soup though his little wired jaw at lunch and looked after him.
We went to dances together. It was safe. We had a blast.
Nothing romantic.
We've joked about going steady for like, 8 hours.
That spindly kid was a far cry from the successful surgeon that he is now.

My best friends in high school, to be honest, were all boys. I had girlfriends, but the drama was enough to push me over the edge. My very best friend informed me that we couldn't hang out anymore because her boyfriend didn't like it. They were in a "relationship".
........Until he dumped her for another girl.
I was very open with my kids, a girl and a boy, in letting them know that having feelings of liking someone is very normal. Even loving someone. But, when you are so young, say 14, 15, 16, they had to understand that chances of that person actually being their life mate were very slim. Nothing wrong with having fun, but getting too serious at that age just leads to broken hearts.
My son is a junior and has never had a "girlfriend". He has LOTS of girls interested, but he knows they are interested in a different boy every other week. He's known most of the same kids since kindergarten and every girl has had at least 427 "boyfriends" since then.
He just told me last night that I would faint if I knew how many girls at his school are pregnant this year. 15 and 16 year olds.
I would encourage your daughter not to put too much stock into what her friends say. He may dress differently or whatever, but he may also be a really great human being. And a really great friend.
Maybe a much better friend to her than they are being.

Just my opinion.

Your daughter is being bullied; therefore, these girls do not qualify as friends. If your daughter uses social media, find out whether she's being harassed there as well as in person.

Her boyfriend is also being bullied. Consider informing his parents as well.

Be on the lookout for signs of withdrawal and depression because dealing with this kind of pressure on a daily basis is taxing.

Inform the school administration and counselors. They've heard many of these stories before, but in recent years, many schools have put into place anti-bullying rules. Everyone should feel safe to attend school. The young man being taunted in the halls has a case to present.

Role play standard anti-bullying statements to help her defend herself from the verbal onslaught. Teach her how to avoid behaviors that allow bullies to feel empowered to bully.

Have your daughter reflect on her true interests and see whether there is an activity or organization she would like to join. There, she may meet new people who know how to be friends. I doubt she is going to want to continue relationships with those harassing girls much longer. She will not be able to repair her relationship with them because they have sabotaged it.

Stay strong.

I think your daughter is getting a true look at these "friends".

They are judgmental and superficial. They are basing their remarks on what they see, but do not know.

Unless they can come up with some sort of proof, that there is something they know about him that makes him dangerous or undesirable, they need to cut this out.

You do realize they are being bullies?
Isn't there zero tolerance for bullying in that school?

"all her friends HATE him and are making her life absolutely miserable. Two of her friends seem to be leading the boyfriend-bashing party while the others are along for the ride."

"They've actually started approaching him in the hallway at school and saying nasty things to him. "

Here are 2 examples of bullying the boy and trying to get your daughter on board...

Both your daughter and this boy are being bullied!

Too bad your daughter's friends are fair weather friends, if they are friends at all.
Surely there are kids that are NOT giving her or him a hard time, right?
I think she needs to re-evaluate friends who would do this to her--and him.
Sorry, but that's just horrible.
She needs to cut loose these mean "friends" of hers.
They feel justified in saying something to her face? And his?
Now, if they don't "like" him, they can express that to each other...but how RUDE!

Of course she shouldn't break up with him because of them. You need to tell her to tell her friends to knock it off. She needs to be very forceful when she tells them that. Help her do this. Role play with her if you have to. Her friends should not control her, and you need to help her find the words to put them in their places, or stop hanging out with them, if that's what it takes.

.

Yikes. That is such a hard age for a girl, and even worse when you have this kind of drama going on at school. The girls are either upset that this boy doesn't fit their group, and are trying to get him out by saying things to both your daughter and her bf that aren't nice. OR they do know something and aren't willing to share it. If they aren't willing to actually admit to why they don't like him, or that their actually is something wrong with the boy, then they aren't real friends at all.

Teen girls can be very catty, and manipulative. If it were my daughter, I would suggest finding a different group of friends to hang out with, especially if they are this cruel, and aren't telling the truth. It will only get worse , and I see peer pressure written all over this mess.

As far as the boy, he sounds harmless enough. However, at this age, it is important to not get wound up in a boy. She should not break up with him just to make her friends happy. This sends the message that she can't make her own decisions and the choices she makes is to please everyone else. She needs to gain confidence in herself and her decisions, Maybe this boy has a group of friends that they can all hang out with together while he is still there.

I think your daughter needs to take a stand with these girls. She needs to stop being nice to them and tell them exactly what she thinks. She needs to call them on their behavior because if she did to them what they are doing to her, they'd not like it one bit.
She needs to tell them that she doesn't really much care what they think and that she doesn't want to hear one more word about it.
It would really make a statement if she did it with him there to witness it.
LBC

It's not really about the boyfriend, it's about the group she's a part of. Right now, it's the boyfriend they have a problem with. What is it going to be next? I've known people like these girls, and I've seen how they expect everyone in their group to conform to their expectations. If your daughter doesn't mind losing her own identity, if she doesn't mind being a part of a group that singles out others (like her boyfriend), if she doesn't mind sacrificing a multitude of potential friendships and relationships so she can continually tiptoe around the "standards" of this group, then by all means, tell her to break up with her boyfriend. But if she values any individuality, if she wants to be able to look at herself with self respect instead of regret a few years down the road, and if she wants the option of deciding for herself who is a part of her social circle, then it's time to ease out of that group and find new friends, real friends.

I just want to say that as we grow up we change friends and many of this group will not be in her life after she graduates high school. If she can find one or two good friends she will do great. Being in the pack doesn't always produce good results because the "leader" wants things done their way regardless.

Teach her how to stand up to them and to be her own person as this will help in her life.

Oh the teen years. Not much has changed except for the bullying aspect being in your face as it is now.

The other S.

PS Sometimes it is nice not to be in the pact and just be a "nerd" or something with a few friends. Remember the nerd hires the jock later in life.

Your daughter's friends aren't friends at all. Real friends won't try to push him out of her life because he isn't a part of the bigger group. It really doesn't matter why they are being so harsh and mean. What really matters is how you daughter is going to handle this. If they can pressure her to dump him, what will they be pressuring her into doing next? She can't be the obedient follower. She needs to be independant and possibly make some better quality friends if this group doesn't shape up.

High school is full of shark infested waters. Your daughter is swimming with the sharks so she needs to not be one of them but be a whale that eats sharks instead of becoming one of them. Question is how do you intend on helping her be independent and magnificent through this process?

Hmmm, is man/boy worth losing all your GFs? Maybe all those girls know something you don't.

Just a different point of view.

She'll get through it, we ALL did.

:)

You are making my decision to keep my daughter home from school so much easier. I hated all this drama. I don't think kids this age should be GOING out or steady with anyone. It's simply too young. No, she should not allow the friends to dictate her life. BUT, it's still too much drama and I think you should try and distract her from it as much as possible.

This is a tough one because on one hand sometimes we can see straight when puppy love hits (and at this age it doesn't seem like puppy love)...maybe her friends see something she doesn't but on the other hand, they aren't the ones dating him. Chances are, if they back off and he moves it will dwindle on its own (could happen before that too). If she breaks up with him because of her friends, then what happens to the next boy they "don't approve of".

Just because the girls have boyfriends does not mean they aren't jealous. Sometimes girls like that "odd boy" and don't want to admit it and/or are jealous of her having the "older" boyfriend.

I think I would have a talk w/ the friends and ask them to back off...if your daughter has already done this maybe you should talk to them.

Good luck.