Pre-teens and Young Teens

I have two daughter that are 11 and 10. And yes I have heard both of them talking about "boyfriends" that thier friends have and about kissing. Me I don't remember any of the in middle school, but I went to a Catholic school from 6th grade thru 12th. As far as I know my girls don't have any "boyfriends" but they have had crushes. All I have done with them is talk to them open and honestly about love, life and sex. Generally the crush passes and they move onto things with thier girlfriends. I am not looking forward to them dating.

At little about me: I am 37 years old, a married, mother of 3 one boy-17 two girls, 10 and 11, work full for the State of Florida and sell Avon part time.

HI Jeanette,
Does your daughter have her dad active in her life? If so, then have him start to "date" her and treat her like a queen; showing her how young men are suppose to treat her. If daddy will show her all the love and affection she needs, she will NOT seek out a boy. Girls love and need that affection and attention...and they get it, one way or another. But if daddy will step in and set the tone and boundaries...she'll know what is right and wrong; what is acceptable and not.

I feel your pain I am the mother of three a son 12, and two daughters 15 and 17. I set an age limit of when they can start dating a long time ago and that age limit is 16. They are allowed to have male friends and female friends but there is no boyfriend or girlfriend until they are 16 and then they have to have good grades also. My children know that education comes first. I also tell them to look and listen to what their friends tell them about their relationships and see just how unhappy some of them are and see just how many boyfriends and girlfriends they have thoughout the course of the school year. When you add it up sometimes it is alot. One thing I can say about my kids is they do respect our wishes about the dating thing. They also know if they go behind our backs they will be in big trouble. If their friends are kissing boys or then they say that is on them they have other important things to do other than have a boyfriend. They are into soccer and keeping their grades up. My kids say having a boyfriend or girlfriend in middle and high school is not all that important. You can't stop crushes but you can talk to your daughter about what is important in life. We are military also and if you guys move like we do then it is not even worth having a crush. I hope this helps you out some.

When I was in middle school I had a boyfriend and all we did was talk on the phone. I was in 8th grade. My sister is also in 8th grade right know and likes people but doesn't have a boyfriend. It is very normal to have crushes during this time. I would be careful and don't stop talking to your daughter. That is what kept me from makeing the same mistakes my friends did. I found out in high school that my best friend had a miscarriage in 8th grade. That was an extreme case but it happens.

Jeanette,

Ok, here's what we did. We explained to our son that just because he has a crush on someone doesn't mean that he has to act on it. It's ok to like someone and have feelings for them, but our feelings often decieve us into thinking that we just have to have someone or something. That is simply not true. Having feelings for someone is very natural and normal, it's what you do with those feelings that becomes the issue. You can make a choice to admire someone without needing them. My son is now 20 years old, a virgin, with a steady girlfriend who he is committed to. He did not date around in highschool, because he took our advice so that he could remain focused on his school work. He also didn't waste a lot of money trying to impress a lot of girlfriends. We also made a purity covenant with him and gave him a ring to remind him. The choices he makes are his to make, but each one will have a consequence to it, either good or bad.
Also, we explained to him that each kiss and hug and anything more, that he gives away to someone he simply dates, is something that actually belongs to his future mate and when you give them away to someone who you will not be marrying, you are, in essense, robbing your future mate of what belongs to them.
Not everyone will agree with this extreme, but marriages that have these qualities have an extremely high success rate to last forever.
The attitude to "drive a car before you pay for it" is good for a car, but NOT for a mate. It actually tears down the respect, trust, and committment before the marriage even starts.
Your daughter is testing the waters and you have to help her set limits and boundaries for herself.

I agree with some of the other responses. When a 12 year old has a boyfriend, they don't mean the same thing that a 30 year old does. While this is true, please don't minimize her feelings. She may feel very strongly about a crush, and you risk putting her down by saying it dooesn't mean anything.

I would stay involved. This is true for friends as well as boyfriends. I had a boyfriend throughout high school, and my parents knew his parents, my friends, and my friends' parents. If I said I went to a friend's house, they asked me when and with who. I never lied and I never had a curfew because my parents trusted me. They realized that they couldn't control every aspect of my life, and discussions focused around making good choices. When a child realizes that their parent respects them, they will strive to make them proud.

My parents only told me they were "disappointed in me" one time in my whole life (I was in my 20s), and I will never forget it. I didn't happen to agree with them, but hearing that from them was devastating.

You should feel lucky that your daughter discusses these things with you. As you said, many kids do not. I think with middle schoolers the more you try to force them in one direction, the faster they will run in the other direction. This is when they start to develop a sense of individuality, and it's our job as parents to nurture and encourage that, rather than feel threatened by it.

Middle schoolers are tough, though. Good luck!

Hello! My name is M. and I have a daughter who is entering the 6th grade this upcoming year. This year she had a boy who in the 5th grade lavished her with gifts and don't know if he gave himself the title of my daughter's boyfriend of not, but I've already had to give my daughter somewhat of a talk about this sort of thing. Its okay to have those feelings....(crush type). I think where the problem lies is where parents allow and treat the relationship like it was an adult one. I think we should treat it like it really is, they enjoy being around each other, great....but, as far as your daughter, we are responsible for teachng our children to respect thier bodies. We have to be careful not to let the outside world teach our children what sexuality is and we give them a Godly basis on which to live by. Good luck!

I'm not a parent of a teen or pre-teen but if you are willing to allow the boy over at your house they could have a "date" time to watch a movie on the couch. This would allow you to supervise and walk in and out of the room upon occasion.
And don't forget to talk to her about all her feelings since she is talking to you about it already. It is important.
Good luck!

I have a 12 year old daughter in middle school. The tough part is that 6th graders are mixed in with 7th and 8th graders, which was not that for me. Therefore, they see what these older kids are doing. I have talked to my daughter about liking someone and being liked by someone. I know she felt unattractive since her friends was asked out by boys already. I have reaffirmed her self esteem by explaining to her why she wasn't asked. Her personality tends to be on the quiet side and boys that find her attractive are as shy as she is. I told it is okay to like someone and be liked. After all, no matter what age we are, we all feel the same way. It's just much more detrimental to them because of all the changes they are feeling and going through right now. Your doing right by telling her to wait and not believe the saying that it's for title only. After hearing the statistics on pre-teen pregnancy, which are happening on school grounds, it's best to steer them away from it. As long as you can still maintain the lines of communication with her and explain the dangers of having that type of relationship at an early age, you will have a better chance in helping her from making bad choices. Following the "crowd" is never the right answer.

I don't have any teen age kids, but I'm 23 so that wasn't too long ago for me. My parents prohibited me from dating until 16. It wasn't too hard on me because that really wasn't what I wanted to do, but my sister was set to the same thing and she had boyfriends from elementary school on. If your daughter talks to you and you trust her I say it's ok. If their just kissing I don't really see anything wrong with that. My sister got her first kiss in Kindergarten. Things now a days are different from when I was in school. Kissing really isn't a big deal and it seems that they all do it eventually. I'm sure she knows about sex by now so I'd let her know how you feel about that and let her chose when she wants a boyfriend. Most the time boyfriend is really just a boy friend that you my kiss. She may even find out once she has one, that she really doesn't want to deal with the drama of all of it and put it off for a couple of years. Each girl is different, but I would differently not prohibit her from it until a certain age, because she my then see it as your just being old fashion and turn around and do it anyways, expecally since there is a lot of pressure at that age to have boyfriends. Good luck and I hope I helped a bit.

Jeanette,
Most kids that age feel like they don't fit in if they don't have a boy/girl friend. They don't have to let the boundries down to have a so called boy/girl friend. Just keep talking with them so you know what is going on in their lives. As long as they are not doing any bad things what harm will it be. Keep the talk line open and talk often. Ask all the questions don't be surprised when you find out they know as much as we do. I don't have teen children, but I have teens in our family that know that no matter what they can ask me anything and tell me anything. Alway make sure they know what to do at the right times. Pray often for your kids to make right choices in their lives. Best of luck,hope this helps.
D.

I have a 12 year old boy - 6th grade. He had a "girlfriend" for a few weeks. All they did was texted each other on the cell phone. I definately kept my eye on what was going on, but I dont think you can forbid it, just keep communication open and make sure she knows what is appropriate for her age.

Usually in middle school dating means texting each other alot and talking on cell phones or through MySpace. However at parties, or trips to the movies and such, or palces that young teens get together is where the kissing starts! Just monitor your child and know their friends and where they are going. Keep in touch with your child via cell phone and KNOW THIER FRIENDS and the friends parents if possible!

Unfortunately my 2 1/2 year old daughter is not at that stage yet, but I'm sure its coming. I know that she loves it when I get in the bath with her. I found some really fun bath toys such as finger paints and crayons that she can paint on the walls and bath tub. Its very easy to clean up but she can be creative with it. I had also purchased some flutes that we fill with water to make different sounds as well as a xylophone it comes with some fun music sheets so we can play songs. I try to make bath time as fun as I can get it to be. Sometimes its a inconvience for me to get in but thats the only way she'll take a bath. Maybe with you since your pregnant you can put your feet in and splash around let her know that your willing to have fun. Its only water and its easy to clean up.

B.
Orlando Fl

I have two daughters 20 and 12 and a son 17.. We set the dating rules right off the bat at an early age. No dances until 14, only group situations until 16. At 16 we have to have met the boy/girl prior to the date. The other thing we found that worked well was that we didn't fuss about school 'crushes' as they are usually at school only. When the school thing really wanted to become more, we let the young man come to our house for dinner once a week. After having discussions with his parents- our daughter was also allowed to go to his home for dinner once a week. Being a military wife- we also made adjustments for certain situations- her first crush was pcs'ing and asked 'her dad' if he could take her to the end of year dance since he was moving- she was almost 14. We allowed it. When he moved we allowed email and internet chats and they called weekly.

One rule for us is we (mom & dad) have access to phones, email and myspace. We monitor all of it. There is no such thing as invading privacy here- know who your kids are communicating with! We even went as far as stating that they should let their friends know that we are reading stuff and may even sign on as them. If our kids are on the net, we can and do at any time tell them to get up and we read any part we choose. Our kids know this and understand why.

Now a little over 6 years later they are still dating.. international distances and military childhoods the two of them are now entering their third year of college and are still together, loving this chapter of their relationship.
I hope your girls and you are as lucky as we have been with the rules, fun and thrills of dating. The simplicity of middle school crushes can turn into more than a simple thing...talk with your daughters often... support them and empower them to not only know how to fend off unwanted passes but also the ones that feel good.
Military mom's rock!!!
God Bless you and your family.

I have an 11 year old son that is in Middle School and yes, the boyfriend/girlfriend thing has been going on with us for the past two years! He'd say so & so is going out with so & so and I'd say where are they going? Basically they'd only see each other at school and nothing beyond that. This year however, the going out has included phone calls (mainly the girl calling my son - over and over and over). I have mixed emotions about this too. I don't discourage it because I know when I was a teen and was told not to do something I wanted that much more to do it! We keep an open communication about what is going on and I ask specifics. I've asked him before about kids holding hands/kissing at school and he says they're not allowed to. He also knows his boundries. They wanted to go to the movies last weekend and guess who sat two rows behind them - me! All other events they attend are adult supervised. I'd say we just keep open/honest communications with our pre-teen/teens and know where they are, what they're doing and not leave them unattended. Also pray, pray, pray! Unfortunately this is just part of growing up.

Hi Jeannette,
I'm raising my 11 yr old granddaughter and this comes up quite frequently. All this is a natural part of growing up, and kids today use different lingo than you or I did, "going out" as you said. I don't encourage it, but, I don't discourage it either. (Don't want her to REBEL)what I do encourage is her friendship with boys. (She's still pretty much thinks even kissing is gross, but, she wants to be just like any of her friends and meet those "tween" status things. And honestly the boy she may like can change on a daily basis. I think its just part of growing up and learning some social skills. I do talk to her about why she may like a particular boy (trying to teach her character is more important then looks and what qualities are. )I do allow her to go to movies ,ball games, school activities with a boy,usually a group thing, but, always chaperoned. After all , who said girls can't have friends that are boys, regardless of what the kids may call it. I do however monitor the friends she has,both boys and girls,because frankly, 1 or 2 of them (girls, I might add) know way more than they should at 11- 13 yrs old and I don't want them encouraging unacceptable behaviors ,just to be cool.
There are several benefits to this (as long as you talk to your girls and make yourself aware of what's going on). I feel that if you try to keep them away from boys ,you'll actually push them straight into their direction and they will do things behind your back. It teaches them , with your guidance, values and character that will aid them when they truly do have relationships as they get older. What they should accept as behavior fr om boys and what is not acceptable. AND ALWAYS KEEP YOUR LINES OF COMMUNICATION OPEN WITH THEM, LISTEN WITH YOUR HEART, AND TRY NOT TO CRITICIZE.
I could go on and on ,but , I won't,... Hope this gives at least another perspective on things and don't take things to seriously ! C. S.

Jeanette – I do not have a “tween” or teen girl just yet, but I have a three year old who is going to break the hearts of my husband and I when she is. :) I am however still pretty young, at only 23, I remember my middle school years well. I can tell you that at this point “going out” means not going anywhere, unless there are very liberal parents involved – or a very rambunctious girl. The term is simply used to describe a boy and a girl, who consider themselves to be boyfriend and girlfriend, and usually the “relationship” is limited to school hours, as well as the occasional school dance or football game. These boys and girls are trying very hard to be older than their years (which our society has pushed on them) and will show each other affection. Depending on the girl and boy and how they were raised, this could mean many things. Maybe it's just holding hands and a quick kiss for some, but for many others, it won't stop there. The peer pressures are just too great and at that age they are looking to be accepted and be one of the “it” kids. If I had to guess – not knowing your daughter – I'd say she probably has a school hours only boyfriend and is sharing the experiences of her friends with you to test the waters and see how you will react. In my opinion, you should try to be open and honest with her, she is growing up and will need more and more information so she can protect herself in this dangerous world. Also, know that she is no longer a little girl, and you will have to accept a boy in the picture sooner or later (probably sooner). But it sounds like you have a good girl and that is golden these days, praise her for that, and know that she is probably dealing with ALLOT of pressure at school. Maybe talk to her about how to choose a boy with the same values as she has, so she is less likely to get into bad situations. Above all, keep those lines of communication open. But sometimes you have to read between the lines and know the “friends” are sometimes closer to home than you think.

Hi Jeanette,
Im 24 years old, so it hasn't been THAT long since Ive been in middle school. At this point, your 12 year old is right in saying that "boyfriend" usually means just a boy that she likes and that likes her. No dating usually is envolved. If you and your daughters have good communication habits and they truely arent afraid to tell you things, then just talk to them and make sure that they truely know their boundaries and arent afraid to talk to you if a situation or question does happen to come up. Just trust your girls and trust yourself that you have done the best job you know to do and give them a little freedom (benefit of doubt). Sometimes holding on too tightly pushes even the most level head teen (pre-teen).
P.S. I am also in MK, although only sale to family, friends.