Tantrum Help with 3y.o. Boy

I agreee with the last response walk away. I sometimes mimick my daughter if she is having a little tantrum, this works for me because she looks at me like what is mom doing and stops or says no mommy, it is actually a bit funny. Her tantrums are not that bad though. Watch SuperNanny she has great advice on discipling children. Good Luck!!

There was a great article this month I think in Parenting magazine about how difficult the "half" ages are. It was a really relevant article. Very helpful. It addressed the very thing you're going through.

This is a good book on understanding 3 year olds.
"Your Three-Year-Old: Friend or Enemy" (Paperback)
by Louise Bates Ames (Author), Frances L. Ilg (Author), and you can get it at Amazon.com

3 years old is a hard age, and developmentally they are changing a great deal. It's on the cusp of "being a big boy" but yet, they are still "baby" too... and often they get stressed & frustrated with the littlest things.

Still, tantrums are not easy. They are having to learn so much and are expected to follow rules and "behave" 24/7, which they can't do all the time.

In any event... for us, what we did is always talk about things with our daughter... and just letting her "vent" when she needs to, while at the same time explaining what "feelings" are... and how even grown-ups have "tantrums" too... BUT, we are all a "family" and we try our best not to take it out on each other etc. We are are a "team..."

Then, we also tell our girl, that if she is feeling grumpy or anything, she can go in her room and scream/yell all she wants... and it's okay. THEN, when she feels better, she can come out... and it's fine. It works for us. Sometimes she tells us she doesn't know WHY she feels grumpy, and sometimes she does have a reason... but at least she "knows" she has a safe place to go and just let it all hang out, so to speak. So it works for her, and us.

The thing is, children cannot always censor themselves or modulate their emotions, nor monitor themselves perfectly...but if we navigate them and "teach" them about HOW to respond to frustrations/stress, then it teaches them how to manage it... and as they get older, they get better at it. It also teaches them "problem solving".... ie: I am feeling grumpy... um, what can I do? Can I talk about it to Mommy? Can I go in my room and let it out... can I yell at somebody? Can I just hit my pillow instead? etc. YOU teach them different ways of letting it all out. ANYONE, child or adults, needs to learn how to "vent", right? Heck, even adults don't know how to do that pleasantly sometimes, right? Well same for children. This is how we teach our kids.

And yes, they also need to learn that screaming is not the way to get things... and that yes, sometimes Mommy will not just give me what I want. That's okay too. Pick your battles.... or you will go nuts. When my girl/son screams...sometimes I simply tell them "Mommy's ears don't work when you yell or scream...." then I just keep doing whatever it is I'm doing. And, there comes a point when they just deflate themselves... and then the next thing you know, they are in a regular mood again.

But through it all, they need to know HOW to manage even their tantrums... and I believe, instead of just making it a "behave or else" kind of thing... that children benefit by being taught how to handle their feelings/emotions too.... and that it's okay to have these feelings. In the long run... a child that is "comfortable" with understanding feelings/frustrations/emotions, will have a more articulate response to it, AND in figuring out other people. We have seen this in our own daughter... she is very articulate and "wise" about understanding people/their facial expressions/their feelings and what is right and wrong. And, she is confident about handling her own frustrations now.

It takes time, and consistent communication and "understanding" of them.... and teaching them more positive ways of grappling with frustrations. BUT, it's a process. And in the immediate outburst... sometimes you just have to use several methods at the same time... ie: "use your inside voice" while explaining that if he continues to scream, you will not play with him. Or, "that's not the way to ask for something... how can you do it nicely..." or, "Come, let's go in your room, and when you feel better, you tell Mommy all about it...." Or, "When you stop screaming... Mommy will be right here, and then we can have a snack..."

Also, what really helped our girl too, is by explaining that we don't expect her to be "PERFECT." That it's okay to make mistakes, but the main thing is she try her "best" and we always love her no matter what. That if she tries her best... and that's the best she can do, that's great! We "see" that she IS doing her best, and even if it's not in the manner that "we" want... it's okay, and we have to realize that for the child... that this IS their "best" and they have tried. End of story. No need to keep nagging them about it either. They have come full circle.

Well just some ideas and what I do with my kids. Hope it helps, sorry for rambling on and on...
Best of luck,
Susan

Just want you to know you're not alone! My 3 1/2 year old boy is doing the same thing lately and driving me nuts! I'm reading your responses for advice, too!

Hi T.,
Definitely start watching for the triggers and the time of day and look for patterns. Stock up on new and different things in 'the magical mommy grab bag.'
But my most potent elixir with my kids has been acknowledging what they want or what they said (right away when you see it escalating but it's not a tantrum yet). Literally repeating back to them, 'you want the train (my cell phone, the sharp knife that will certainly sever your digits...)? Then get an answer, say it again until they tell you 'uh-huh' or 'no' (then try to find out what it is - you might be surprised). Then calmly and clearly say (with a lot of love on your face), 'you really want the train right now. I need you to put the train back because we are going to go over to the books now. If you would like we can come back here again another day and play with this one, but now we need to go. If he'll have none of it and a tantrum comes out then try to let him know (between sobs etc.) that you understand he is frustrated, mad or label the emotion best you can, but this behavior is not something you can work with and when he is ready you are in the kitchen, here in the aisle with you (half way to Hawaii) when he is ready. 'I love you buddy, I'll be right here for you,' then move away and try not to look or talk about him to others, but exude a calm rock he can grab hold of when he 'comes to.'
OH mine is calling me. I hope this helps
OH and when he comes to you - don't be mad. Hold him with all of your heart and let him know that must have been hard, dry his tears, and thank him for coming to mama. You will feel great guaranteed!!!!!

have you watched "Best Toddler on the Block?" very helpful

The 3's are when parenting stops being magical and starts to be work. This is part of his growing up and you will be tested in this and other ways for many years to come!! I read the book "Raising Your spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka and it helped me alot. The most interesting part for me was the analysis of how your personality and your child's personality may be the same, causing your reactions to be heightened by his reactions and vice versa. Good luck to you!

At 3 1/2 old a child should know the word "No". Firmly said and walk away. If not working, sit down with your son and explain to him, it he continues to throw fits, then you will have to take away his favortive toy. You may be force to take it away...DO IT!! 1. It shows authority. 2. You are showing the meaning of truth of your words. The tantrum will turn into crying, something new to deal with, but now you have the upperhand and a bargining tool; his toy! Leave to room for a few mintues. Let your child throw a tantrum and crying fit. Come back in the room with toy and TALK to your child. If he throws more fits, then you'll have to take toys away again. Worth the try and good luck

Parenting from the Inside Out
by Daniel J. Siegel, Mary Hartzell

this book is helping me deal with me during the challenging times. i highly recommend it.

Hello. I often struggle with the same problem. I find that sometimes it is best to just walk away. My daughter is often a bit cranky in the evenings because she is tired, so if a tantrum starts, I will tell her no for whatever she is demanding, then walk to another room and continue doing whatever I was doing. This if fairly helpful - she understands she is not getting what she wants and I am not responding to her tantrum. Once she is done, I will often go check on her and join in her playing - that reassures her that I am not angry with her and all goes fairly well.
Good luck!

What worked for me with my daughter, who can be a bit of a drama queen sometimes, is relocating her during the midst of her fit to a place that is away from me (because I can't stand to hear the yelling) but not anywhere were there are toys or a t.v. for her to look at, so that she has a place to cry it out. (For us, this usually means sitting on the couch in our living room or standing in the upstairs hallway.

As I'm walking away, I tell her, "I am putting you here because you are throwing a fit and it is hurting my ears. When you are ready to calm down and use your big girl words and voice, then you can leave this spot and we'll talk." This usually nips her temper tantrum in the bud right away. When she finally does tell me what she wants though, I usually don't give her what she wants because she threw the fit first and that's not how she gets things but I do tell her that she can try asking for it nicely later and I'll consider the request.

I'm went through the same thing. My son used to kick and scream and it seemed to last forever. At first we used to try and talk him threw his tantrum, but it didn't work and they became longer and longer. Now when my 3 year old son throws a tantrum I place him in his room and close the door until he has calmed down. I explain to him that he can not leave until he is calm and ready to talk to me. The first time I did this he started throwing toys at the door. It was hard, but I restrained myself from opening the door. When I heard things quiet down which took about half an hour, I went back into his room. He was still sobbing so we counted backwards from 10 to help calm him some more. Afterwards, we talked about why he threw the tantrum and the consequences the next time. Now he no longer kicks, screams or throws things. When he gets upset, he counts backwards and by the time he gets to zero he's completely fine. I hope this helps. Good Luck!

Hi T.,
I had a similar problem with son. I started reading different websites and I realized a few really easy and simple things. First, does your son take naps? My son would always take naps and then he stopped. That made a big difference in his temperament. I began forcing him to take naps again and he changed completely! Also, try to get things that you know he should not grab in places where he can't grab them. This way there won't be any temptation on his end and no reason to argue. I also sat down with all his caregivers, all the people that watch him or spend time with him and discussed how I am reacting to his tantrums. This way we are all on the same page and he does have that consistancy all around. The biggest thing to keep in mind is PICK YOUR BATTLES! Before you reprimand him think whether this is something that is necessary to reprimand. I became aware that I was being a little too demanding of him. He is a 3 year old so of course he still wants to explore and do things we might find as unnecessay but to them its interesting and important. Don't worry, things will get better!

Take care,
N.

Read the book, "How to Win the Whining Wars", by Cynthia Whitham.
IT WORKS!

My son did this for quite a while too. Just remember to be patient and consistent. The Perfect Nanny suggests that you simply leave the room and allow the child to have a tantrum (checking before you go that they can't hurt themselves). Children don't throw tantrums because it is a method of calming down, they throw tantrums to get your attention and try to get what they want. If you remove your presence, eventually they understand that this particular bad behavior gets them the opposite of what they want (attention). When they come to you and talk to you with a normal voice, you can respond to their needs. But while they are behaving badly, you either remove yourself from the situation, or if you are in a public place or have people over to visit, simply tell your child that they will have to go elsewhere until they calm down. Help them to their room (or the car) and close the door, ignoring them (unless you hear things breaking) until he calms down. It is also best to head these things off before they start. To help him to stay in control, you should note your sons warning signs -- like too many people around, missing his naptime, tiredness, or hunger. All of these things contribute to his mood and the likelihood of setting him off on a tantrum. For your own sanity, just leave the situation and pay it no attention. Think to yourself that he will outgrow it and try to live through it as best you can. Do something special for yourself once in awhile (like get a massage, a manicure, a chocolate bar, a walk in the park all by yourself) and make sure that you keep yourself happy all around to be able to handle the hard times. And don't forget that when the tantrum is over, you don't need to discuss the tantrum at all, just act like it didn't happen, but give him a hug or a kiss to let him know that you are paying attention and to reassure him.

Susan said everything I wanted to say in my response...

My son is two, and I take very similar approaches to his behavior and tantrums. I think the thing I see most in his face is confusion over his own feelings, and for me it has helped to try to help him identify those feelings and then how to deal with them.