Hi All, I'm not sure if I'm just venting or asking for advice, but is there anything to be done when one sibling just seems more lucky then the other. How do you handle it with the unlucky sibling? My children are 9 and 7. They are both great kids, smart and bubbly, (although each has their flaws, of course). My son, the seven year old was born with a craniofacial difference which has needed some plastic surgeries and a few other minor surgeries. My children attend different schools. My daughter is in our local school, my son is bused to nearby school district that provides the services he needs. The nearby school district has a stricter principle, who's great, but has a policy of downplaying parties, limiting treats in class, etc. So every holiday my daughter comes home with a big treat bag from school, my son nothing. Also my daughter seems to be my MIL's favorite, I think she thinks that my son get's extra attention due to his SN, so she takes my daughter out for special outings and buys her little gifts with no occasions. Unfortunately, most of my son's "special attention" from us goes to doctor's appointments, therapy and having surgery...not really comparable to being taken to a children's play.
Also, Their birthday's are close together, this year my SIL gave my son a $5 gift card and my daughter a $25 gift card. I'm sure this was a honest clerical mistake on her part, but gosh, what luck. Also, because of the school difference, when I had a b-day party for my son only a few kids showed, for my daughter almost all invited came.
Gosh, even when we went out for dinner the other night and got fortune cookies, by son's cookie didn't have a fortune.
We try to compensate somewhat. I gave him my fortune cookie, I augmented the gift card, my daughter will often share her school treats, but I still feel kinda bad for him. Are there any words of wisdom I can share with him.
Not feeling so wise in the midwest
Hey All, since this is a general issue, I don't think I'll be able to say "what happened" but I just wanted to add a few things.
Firstly thanks everybody for your kind and supportive words and suggestions. It is really helpful to hear about other peoples experiences and hear some ways that they handled the situation. I appreciate it!
Just to answer some issues individually - I agree that there shouldn't be "favorites" Luckily, my in-laws are generally very attuned to that and they are above par aunts, uncles and grandparents in many ways. With my SIL, the gift card issue was very uncharacteristic, which is why I believe it was just one of those silly mistakes that happen when you are distracted and rushed, etc...It just happen at a kinda rotten time and is/was difficult to handle, since kids don't understand adult mistakes. My MIL is actually great in many ways, but the "favoritism" thing is an issue that we are attempting to address, I won't write that novel, here though :) Of course, Rome wasn't built in a day.
Also - It's always great to hear from the BTDT parents. I don't think that my son feels unlucky. I guess I didn't really mean unlucky in the sense of the craniofacial issues, just more of the random things that have gone on lately, with the parties, etc...kinda a streak of bad luck. I wouldn't say that to him though, don't want to plant any seeds of superstition. I do think that he's reached the age where he is starting to notice and protest some differences more. He's asking more about his apperance and he's complaining more about appointments and therapy. "Why do I have to go to speech?" "I want to go to school with my sister" "Why do I have to go to the Doctor?" and complaining that other kids don't have to do all that. I do tell him the reasons we do these things, but for kids this age, fairness is very important, it seems, and I think he's mostly upset about the ineqaulity, not that he doesn't see the point. And also, maybe he just wants to vent, feel understood and get some reassurance.
Also - Someone suggested I shouldn't say much unless my son asks. I think that is a good policy, which I do generally follow. I just like to be prepared in case he asks. :)
Also, there are some great suggestions and I see some ways I could incorporate them in the future. Thanks for your thoughts, recommendation, kind words AND just letting me "think out loud" for a bit.
Very helpful.
I have an only. But I certainly see what you mean and can relate. At my son's age (nearly 8) he is well aware of people that have more and less than he does. I think the greatest way to teach about inequalities is to reinforce the concepts of equality!
MidwestMom,
I know where you are coming from. My oldest child was a great student, joined clubs.....did everything "right." My younger son was saddled with Epilepsy and learning differences. Did poorly in public school and had to be moved to private. I hear you. The younger one had to sit through National Honor Society, concerts, sporting events..... while the younger one wasn't interested in extra curricular. The things he did do...... the older one had already gone to college and didn't have to go. It wasn't fair, but remind yourself Life is not fair..... and actually I think that is okay. Just teach both your children to follow your values and to keep that cup 1/2 full.
Fight the feelings of inequality. Each of us has our own journey. Do your best to treat your children as equally as possible under the circumstances. Don't over compensate too much. Your son may not even feel the "unfairness" like you do. So you don't want to project that onto him. He may not notice things...... so don't point them out (which you probably don't).
Help your son by focusing the positive and the possible. Help your daughter the same way. Love them as equally as possible (of course you will end up spending more time on your sons struggles) and they will feel that love.
Last....... can you husband carefully broach his mother on the favoritism thing? If you think it is affecting your son why not give it a try... gently? However, if your son hasn't noticed and this is YOUR thing then I'd suggest letting it go.
By the way. You sound plenty "wise" and a very good Mom. You just love your kids and want them to be happy. That's a Great Mom!
I would answer THAT questions when HE asks. You sound like you are doing a great job and have a great support system for your daughter.
Anyone who has a special needs child goes through this I'm sure.
It sounds like you are doing a great job as a mom with a full plate.
His needs are different than hers.
We all learn that the world isnt fair.
A good faith base is the best gift you can give your son.
I can relate to some of your post, as my (now almost 20-year-old) daughter was born with hemifacial microsomia. It is the 2nd most common type of craniofacial anomaly. As a child, she had many reconstructive surgeries, and often had to deal with teasing and insensitive comments from both children and (sadly) adults. From the day she was born, I wished I could take this burden of being "different" from her. Her brother, born 4 years later, did not have this condition, but did spend a good amount of his early years watching us care for his sister after surgeries, and tagged along to endless doctor appointments. Sometimes, the siblings of children with special circumstances can get lost in the shuffle, unintentionally of course. Maybe this is what your MIL is trying to (over)compensate for? I'm not saying it's right, and of course I don't know all the ins and outs of your relationship, but it occurred to me as a possibility. I feel that I myself was guilty of that at times as well, because it IS stressful for the siblings, too. I'm wondering how your son perceives the attention his sister is getting - does he mention it or seem jealous of it? Does he say to you that he feels UNlucky, or is that just your perception? With my daughter, we never made an issue of her facial difference and certainly never felt that it was the result of bad luck. It was just the hand we were dealt, and we dealt with it. Today, she is a bright, confident college student, who has never ONCE complained about her lot in life. I think YOUR attitude is key - take every opportunity to build up your son, celebrate his successes, downplay any negativity, and encourage him to be his best self. My heart goes out to children who are born with any type of difference, but the thing I have discovered over the years is that they are some of the smartest, most compassionate and resilient people I have ever met. And by the way, I think your son is super-lucky to have you for a MOM! Hang in there - my thoughts are with you!
you know what i love about this question? you are asking for advice on how to help your son deal with the situation, rather than how to control all the circumstances in his life that tend to (thus far anyway) conspire against him.
i was just pondering earlier this morning that what we see here over and over are people looking to make everyone else conform to their child's needs and wants, rather than the old-fashioned method of teaching a child to cope with the world as it is.
so, i don't have anything useful to offer to you. just wanted to say how much i appreciate the way you're approaching it.
khairete
S.
I don't think you're venting, I think this is an honest to goodness problem that many of us parents struggle with too.
I think you need to talk with your family, maybe together so that no one feels picked on or singled out. Tell them that you'd really appreciate their help ensuring that the kids are treated equally. I know that my SIL has often done a wonderful job giving some extra attention to the "other" sibling during a birthday party. It doesn't have to be a gift or anything, but just some extra attention.
I'm assuming that your son has special needs based on your description of his medical issues and different school.
Maybe your son is simply going to NEED some extra help and attention since his situation isn't in the same school as his sister. You may need to explain this to your daughter...that you are trying to keep things fair and that you may have him help make a special Valentine's Day treat, because he isn't getting anything from his school.
We're running into something similar here at my house where the YOUNGER sibling is being invited to movie playdates, overnight stays, etc. The older sibling has been getting upset that her friends haven't been inviting her OUT more, just over for a playdate at their house.
I think we all struggle with life's little inequities. Just remember that as a parent it's our job to teach our kids that life isn't always EQUAL or FAIR, but it's more about how they handle it. Tell them that you will always do your best to treat them fairly, but sometimes, with schools, friends, et. they do have to learn to deal with disappointment or just say "Oh well". I know that's a very difficult lesson for a 7 yr old to understand tho.
So do your best to ask HIM what could he do that might make him feel better? Make a Vday treat with you? Invite one or two GREAT friends to a special birthday outing instead of his sister's big ol' birthday bash?
I try to explain to my kids that everyone is different. And that if you compare yourself to your sibling or friends you may be disappointed. Comparisons mean that someone seems to WIN and someone LOSES. Instead I'm trying to teach them to enjoy differences. Maybe if you focus on your son having one or two CLOSE friends, while your daughter may be popular, that can have it's own positives for each child?
I hope this helps.
You've gotten lots of good advice about how to talk to your son. However, in my opinion Grandma shouldn't be playing favorites...
that's just awful!!! the school, there really isn't anything you can do, but for your family to pick favorites!!! i would tell them that your kids are old enough now that your son is picking up on the outings and the $$ difference in the birthday $$. in my family the birthday price is no more than 25 and no more for 50 for chrismas, just using that as an example. i feel so bad for your son, but things will get better!!! positive thinking!!!
I wish I had the knowledge I have now, back when I was younger.
What I've learned is that being positive takes less energy and one feels much better. That praying does help one to feel much better and closer to God.
Is your son special. Sure he is. He has had to overcome things in life already that many don't have to encounter at all.
He has friends but not as many as your daughter. Well it is better to have a few close friends and know they care than a bunch of friends who may not care.
Focus on his attributes and not what he doesn't have. Life will get better for him.
As far as the fortune cookie is concerned, maybe God was telling him he doesn't need it. Your son has you. That's better than any fortune cookie.
I am no expert here. but I have known many parents who have kids with some type of difference and although it's important to recognize one's difference, they have all said, it's just as important to stress their strengths and build on those. Have you ever heard of the Hoyt Family? if you go to YOUTUBE and type in their name and IMAGINE there is a VERY inspirational video on there. Rick Hoyt doesn't have craniofacial differences but he have MS. However, he's gone on to graduate from college and live a full life. I think if you check out their story, you'll find some good inspiration. They are an amazing family. There interviews on there as well.
I think when someone doesn't have a child with a disability, it's hard to shell out advice or words of wisdom (at least for me) so I am not trying to do that with this post but I do know that I have found strength myself in learning of the Hoyt's story.. I am just awestruck by how fantastic they are. I think you might enjoy it as well..
best of luck
