What Do You Say When Your Kids Complain About "Unfairness"?

In the immortal words of Mick Jagger, "You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes you just might find that you get what you need."

(First time I sang that to my older daughter when she was 3, she asked, "Who's Miss Jagger?")

Yes my darling child life is unfair. For if life WAS truly fair we would be having this conversation under a palm tree, in the tropics while mommy was getting a massage and having grapes peeled for her, instead of dragging you out of bed on a snowy day and MAKING you go to school because they didn't close it as you had hoped and I am a big meany...., that was my "unfair" discussion with my son this morning.

When my kids say that, I say "Yes, it's not fair. You are right."
Then I continue on with whatever it is they have to do....

If they say "You are mean..." I say "Yes, I am mean sometimes....I am Mommy. You need to do what you need to do. Even I do things I don't want to do... like cook dinner. I don't call you mean because I have to cook for you..... "

If my kids tell me I am a "poopy head..." I say "Yes, I am a poopy head... because I am telling you something you rather not hear.... you are right. But you still need to do it."

Yes, life is not fair, that is life.
Better having a kid say that, than having a kid that has an arrogant attitude of entitlement....

all the best,
Susan

The fair is where you take your pig. You better go clean him so he's ready to go.............

In all seriousness - I told her that when she was little. Around 6 or 7 she was asking for stuff that one of her friends had and sort of complaining that it wasn't "fair" that her friend had a computer and TV in the bedroom etc etc.

I asked her what fair meant? She said that it meant she got everything her friend got.

I said - OK. Well to be FAIR you have to get everything EVERY KID gets. Otherwise it's not fair. So today we'll got get a nice big house and lots of money and you can have a tv in your room with a new computer. But tomorrow we are going to live in a homeless shelter and you probably aren't going to eat until Saturday, so eat a bunch on Wed when we have what your friend has. Then we talked about some other things other kids have - like parents who aren't nice to them and don't love them.

She decided really quickly that she didn't like fair!!!!!!!!!

Ah, this is--believe it or not-- a developmental stage that goes in conjunction with beginning to reason. Guess what? Your kids are getting smart! They are figuring out patterns, figuring out how to connect their desires with examples of what's transpired beforehand.

If it were me, I'd agree with them: "You're right, this *is* different than what happened with so-and-so last time. That's probably disappointing/hard/confusing, etc." and then ask them for ideas for *next time* (next week, next month) if it's appropriate. When your daughter complains that her brother gets two playdates, you can say "Well, you know, that isn't how it always is, but it does sound like you'd like to have some playdates too. Why don't we call your friend's moms and see what we can get on the calendar?" Or don't, depending on the situation.

I've discovered that when kids are venting in this way, two things are happening. First, they are usually thinking in global terms (that one time with the sisters getting a treat at the store now becomes a guaranteed precendent, or you might hear language like "he always gets to... I never get to" etc.) and aren't examining this individual incident, other than to mine it for inequities to prove their point. Second, they are usually upset. Rarely will you hear "Oh, I can't have the cookie if brother can't have one too. It's just not fair to him."

Yes, life isn't fair, but they aren't asking about life. They are certainly trying to use reasoning to persuade us to give them what they want, which is a little different from manipulation in intent. If the children were falsely accusing each other of wrongdoing, or lying to you about other things, then you might worry about manipulation. Right now, though, they're at an age of trying to make sense and deal with the sometimes disappointing inconsistencies of the world. It's really very interesting, because at school they are learning about things that have unchangable order or principles-- language, math, science, and yet they must contrast this with life, which is constantly changing.

Keep your patience, explain it once clearly, and then ignore the sulking. This is good practice for the teen years!

H.

I say "oh well" and they usually shut up

Mine are a little older and we use STBY.
Stinks or Sucks To Be You!

Life isn't fair.

Make sure you keep track of everything so you have something to tell your therapist some day. And you may want to find a good one while you're still on our insurance!

My husband and his family says, "At least you don't have flies laying eggs in your eyes like the starving children in Africa. "

That always shuts things up.

Also, tell them that things equal out in the end for everyone.

Fair is a weather condition.

Andrea,
I realized a while ago, in the midst of my 2nd's "It's not fair" month, that what kids really want is for things to be equal. And by saying its not fair they are hoping that you will make it equal for them too. So now my favorite phrase is "what are you really asking for?" That makes them stop and think. If they just would ask, "mom may I have a little more milk" instead of "she has more then me!", or may I go to a friends house today? Or sometime when its just you and me, could you get me a special treat?" as Parents we would be like "Wow, sure thing, anything when you know how to ask politely and efficiently".
But I also require a "Gratitude attitude" And when they say, "But its not fair", they are not being grateful for the things that they get to do or have. In that same month I told my daughter I didn't want her to finish that phrase. If she started it, I wanted her to stop and think about something that she is glad she has or has gotten to do. So often I would hear her say,"it's not...." and then nothing else would come out. She was 6 at the time. It worked really well to help her realize that she can just ask for what she needs, but also that she need to be grateful first.
If I don't have a good reason to say no, she has learned that a Gratitude Attitude, and simply asking with out comparing will result in a yes. But she also knows that if I do say no, and give a reason, she needs to respect that.
"What are you really asking for?", or "what do you really need?", and "I need you to have a Gratitude Attitude" or simply "Gratitude Attitude please" are my favorite things to say.

My mom always said,"Blessings come at different times" that is good one too:)
Good luck
E.

When my kids say "it isn't fair" I start talking about all the big people things in life that are not "fair".

*stomping around grocery store with a frown face*
It's not fair that i have to spend all my time making dinner every night... I want to go play... Why can't I make you make dinner every night.

It's not fair that I have to wash the clothing... I don't like it.... It's not fair.

I then start talking about how ones attitude about things makes all the difference. No one wants to help or be nice to someone that is sulking and I am not one to reward such behavior by getting you a treat or finding something for you to do while you are acting like this.

Life isnt fair, and you dont always get what you want. The sooner they learn that the better they will be adapted to it as adults.

I just complained with them.... so'd they know I know it's real.
Lots of unfair things happen, who invented the word "fair" anyway. Good grief.

My response is always, "Fair does not mean equal..." I don't acknowledge the unfair bit from the kids. I say it always evens out in the end anyway. One day I will buy my oldest a cool shirt b/c I saw it and bought it - I didn't see one for my youngest son. Same goes for getting a treat when we are out. Whoever is with me, we might stop to get a treat - that's just how it works. As far as visiting friends, that's out of my hands - if one gets invited somewhere and other doesn't - too bad, so sad. I won't make excuses for it either.

Yep, life isn't fair would be my reply.
Then I would ask my kids if they think it is fair that I have to do everyones wash (even the clothes I did not wear) and clean the dishes that I didn't use, drive to a birthday party that I did not attend, and pay for piano lessons I do not take etc. Lol! They do not want to hear all that so maybe that is why they don't complain about fairness to me anymore because I agree with you, I don't want to hear it! Lol!

Child ~ Life isn't fair!
Me ~ "Yes, I know. I also get frustrated because it is not always fair.. "

fairness doesnt mean that everyone gets the same thing. it means that everyone gets what they need.

They are right. Life isn't fair. But, they need to learn to be thankful for the gifts that they actually *do* have. I would nip this in the bud right away as it breeds discontentment and roots of bitterness. Not good. They have so much to be thankful for. If my kids complain, then I will remind them that they need to be thankful for what they do have. Complaining and grumbling are not allowed at all! If they complain about what they don't have, they lose what they do have. Simple. They learn to be thankful.

This is not a democracy. It is a benevolent dictatorship. It is this way because I have legal and moral responsibility for you while you are a minor and do not have the ability to take full legal and moral responsibility for yourself. As such, I will do things as I see they need to be done. I will try to operate in your best interest at all times. You may, from time to time,not like it or think some things are fair, but be assured that I am doing the best I can in the situation. So, deal with it.

"That's life. It isn't fair. You're right."

;)

I used to say exactly what you did "yeah...life isn't fair all the time...bummer, isn't it?" then go on just doing what I was doing. Or if they were really all up in my face about it, I would start listing all the times THEY got to do stuff that their siblings didn't (and vice versa): "remember last week when YOU had Daddy all to yourself and he bought you ice-cream? well, your sister didn't get that." "remember yesterday at the store when the bakery lady gave YOU a cookie JUST for being there? well, your brother didn't get that". Pretty soon, they understood not to whine because in the end, it all evens out. An "It isn't FAAAAIRRRR!!!" whine deserves a "Well, tough luck, sweetie, life isn't fair!" response.

I love what my brother tells his kids "Fair doesn't mean equal." Meaning, there are lots of variables in life.

J.

I say, "You're right! Too bad, isn't it?" and turn away.

in the immortal words of my own mother, "Life's unfair. Get used to it."

"You are right. Life ISN'T fair".

I think it is a fairly typical childhood refrain and something you just have to parent around with consistency and calm. I might follow up some a reality check. Some kids don't have parents. Some kids don't have food to eat or clothes to wear or a home to live in. Some kids can't afford to play sports. Some kids have to use a wheelchair. Some kids have a hard time in school. "Honey, you have a lot about your life that is pretty great. Tell me one thing about your day that you DID think was fair and awesome?"

We have a similar refrain from our boys and it starts with: "I want...". We have declared that "want" is pretty close to being a curse word and overuse means we will deduct from the money they earn for chores and good behavior.

"no one ever said that life was fair and if you don't get over it and quit pouting, then you won't even get the cookies" or "then you won't even get to watch t.v while your brother is gone"

I am with many of the others. I always say, "Oh well! Life isn't fair and you aren't always going to get what you want!" End of discussion! :)

Yeah...I tend to default to the "Life isn't always fair" schtick.

My father just used to say "Not everything in life is fair". I kind of like it because it doesn't argue the point of whether the situation at hand is fair or not and it's so true.

I said the same thing the first couple of times - then I started telling them "I don't want to hear it" and if they continued I would just tell them again "I don't want to hear it!" I do the same thing with tattling....I am so tired of hearing he hit me, she pinched me, and so many other trivial little tattles. I told them that tattling from now on is only for life & death situations and situations which could result in injury.....LOL Hopefully this will end soon, then I will have 2 more to get through this phase with....

The fair is in October

I agree. Life isn't fair. I tell my dd the same thing all the time.

I am guilty of blurting out "life isnt fair" also. So did my parents and probably theirs and so on. Don't worry... they will probably say it to their kids one day :) It is ok. True story...life isnt always fair.

I really liked the answer about asking what fair really is. I am the oldest of 6 kids and my Mom used to explain to us that she didn't love us all in the same way because we were all different. In the same light, we didn't all get the exact same things because we were all different. We didn't always like it but she did try to be realistic with us. My kids aren't quite to that point yet but they will be soon. Good luck!

LOL! I'm still working on getting some adults in my life to understand this one so I'm paying extra close attention to the responses!

I just tell them to come up with things to do that makes life more fair. My son isn't yet 1 so I'm positive he'll say the same thing.

I tell them if they want everything to be fair they need to wear diapers sleep in the crib like the baby and I'll be calling them all by the same name.

There's No Such Thing As Fair

In the classroom I have learned to explain that:

"Fair" means meeting everyone's needs, and not making everyone happy, or making everything equal. My job is to see that each child has what they need, not making everything look the same for everyone. I usually give this speech early on in the year, and I know my kids remember it, because they remind the whiners what is and isnt fair throughout the year...

Maybe your kids just need fairness defined...

I know my husband and I are both guilty of using the "life isn't fair". It was proven to me this afternoon when I overheard my six year old telling one of his friends, during a rather intense game of hide and seek, "your life isn't always fair, and you're just going to have to understand that!" :)

But it is the truth.

When something is really "unfair" I acknowledge the feelings and let them be upset about it. When something is just simply "unequal" I point out something that the other got some other time, and move along. But a "life isn't fair" every now and again is a perfectly reasonable response.

My mom, who really bent over backward to be fair and equal and give us what we need would use the old saying "Life isn't fair" and I felt it was a total cop out - not for whiny petty differences, where you just need the kids to stop complaining, but for true unfairnesses. I felt if you could recognize that it was unfair, you should try to correct the situation. I can't think of an example from my childhood at the moment, but this was really a profound belief for me growing up.

Life is not fair. Bad things happen to good people every day and that is not fair. Luckily, my job is to prepare you for your future in this world and not make your life fair, which you apparently think. I can't help but see that you are spending a lot of time on keeping track of what you are and are not getting and the selfless, christian thing to do would be to spend that time keeping track of what you should or should not do to help others in this world. So lets work on that. Ok?

I apologize in advance for not reading the many responses you've already received.

We really like Love and Logic.
When kids complain about unfairness (as in your examples), answer (with sincere empathy), "I know." That's the end of it. No need to discuss it more. If the kids continue become a broken record (L&L terms), "I know." You can also use "Bummer".

Check out L&L, it will all make more sense (books, books on CD, website). Basically, give honest empathy, but don't get into an argument over it. Become a broken record.

I say:

"Life isn't fair... so we try and make things as fair as possible in our own family."

&

"Fair means justice, not equality."

&

"Justice comes in it's own time, with luck and hard work, not just because we want it to."

My son has had these three phrases memorized for years. Along with the accompanying "If you whine you don't get what you want." & "If you throw a fit, you don't get what you want AND you go on timeout."

My PERSONAL favorite is the complaints of my son about things I "get" to do as an adult that he isn't allowed to. Because that one has 2 options: "What? You're not planning on surviving until YOU'RE an adult?" and "Yep. One of the TOTALLY fun things about getting to be a grownup! There's fun things only kids get to do and fun things only adults get to do. Which is awesome, because both are fun parts of life."

I have 5 kids so they learned pretty quickly that things will never be equal. I just tell them to stop complaining. I can't please everyone all the time. =)

Kids tend to see things as "unfair" if it's not how they want them, rather than really a sense of fairness or justice. When my kids complain that something "Isn't fair," I just agree with them. I'll say something like "nope, it's not," and then move on. Doesn't mean I change my mind, but I don't try to convince them that it is fair, either. Sometimes I do say "life isn't always fair, sweetheart." I try to stay calm, and say it sympathetically. That way, I'm not caught trying to convince them otherwise, I'm still letting them know I understand how they feel, and I'm not giving in to them. They learn that the "it isn't fair," complaint gets them nowhere.

I like Lesley's response and plan to use it soon.

My daughter taught me, "You get what you get, and you don't ask for more." Now we use it when she wants more sweets because someone else has 1 more than she does.

Love everyone else's way of handling this issue. Great thread!

My 2 yr old is into this huffy-arms crossed, precious pout "That's not *fair*, humph!" stage, and I can't help it- I have to throw out "Life is not fair, and at the ripe old age of 2, you best learn that now!"
And Catherine C. - that is a VERY well-known saying/song in our house!!

I usually just say. "I know. Sometimes things aren't fair, but we get to decide how we deal with it. You can cry and throw a fit or just move on. Whichever whay you chose to deal with it won't change the end result."

The "Love and Logic" technique is to respond in an unemotional, low tone of voice, "I know..." If you keep repeating that, they eventually quit arguing. Works with our 5 year old.

My daughter introduced us to the phrase "you get what you get and you don't get upset".

I say "Life's not fair." And that is what I have always told my kids.

Or, to modify the previous post, you can say, "You get what you get, and you don't throw a fit!" (Except say "git" so that it rhymes.)

i explain the things they get that the other doesnt or didnt, works like a charm.

ex oldest daughter says "mommy, Lilly got a chocolate and i didnt"

I say "well you get to have friends over and she doesnt"