15 Yr. Old Versus 17 Yr. Old! HELP!!!

You should just explain to the 15 year old that although she and her sister are close in age she has to abide by the same standards as the 17 year old has. Is it fair to the 17 year old that she had to wait and just because she has certain privileges her sister should also have them. That to me would be giving in to easy. If you give in to one thing what other rules is she going to expect you to change. She has to grow up and earn her privileges

Hi S.,
My sister is 4 years older than me and I always felt like I should be able to do what she was doing too, but now thinking about it, I shouldn't have been!! But my nieces are 2 years in age and my oldest one doesn't think it's fair that she had to wait until she was 13 to do something but her 11 year old sister gets to now too. They have gone around and around about that for the past year. I understand how the older one feels, the younger one should have to wait just like the older one did. I wouldn't change the rules if I were you. We have 4 kids 4 years apart and we know that we are going to have the same problems, but we will not allow the twins to do something just because their older sister by 2 years get to know. Waiting is part of life :o)
Good luck!

I'm in basically the same boat. My 2 older kids have cell phones (16 yrs and 18 yrs.) and the youngest wants one too, but she's only 13. I've told her that the other 2 didn't get one until they were 14 and she'll just have to wait. She doesn't like it, but she's accepting it because I've stood my ground. Just stay consistent. You can do it!!

Hi S.,

I agree with the other Moms! It is absolutely fair that the rules should NOT change for your younger daughter just because she doesn't want to wait. Your older daughter had to wait to do those things too, and so should she. It can be tough being the youngest, and watching your older siblings do things you can't (I'm the youngest of three girls) but there are also plenty of benefits (everyone looks out for you, and tend to do a little more for you when you're younger, etc). Stick with the rules, if you bend even one for her she will only work harder to get you to change them all! Good luck!

S. L

No, the rules should not be the same. I know how teenagers are and it will be tough to listen to the constant complaining, but stand your ground. Your 15 yr. old can date when she's 16 just like her sister did. Your 17 yr old waited so should your 15 yr old. It wouldn't be fair for your 17 yr old either if you bend the rules for her sister, but you didn't for her. You have rules for a reason and they sound like good rules in my opinion. You and your husband are the parents and she knows who is boss, she's just pushing your buttons because she can. Good luck!!!!

As a mother of three teenagers I certainly understand your dilemma. DO NOT change the rules for your younger daughter. She's testing her limits with you and will continue to do so. Stand firm and let her know the reasoning behind your rules. Have a "date" with each of your daughters to get some one on one face time with each of them. Let them share their thoughts regarding the situation and you may be surprised at what you learn. The older daughter may be your best ally and may offer suggestions for the younger one.

To help alleviate some of the stress, maybe you could host a small gathering for your 15 year old and some of her friends--pizza and movies, board games, backyard games etc. This will let her socialize like she wants to without breaking any of your rules. Maybe she could get a summer job nearby as well--babysitting, ice cream shop, pet care etc. Discuss that with her while you're on your "date". Good luck :)

Hi, stick to your set rules. The rest of the world won't change it's rules for the few who think it isn't fair.

We need to wait 18 years to be an adult, to vote. 21 years to drink etc...

You're teaching life lessons here, not being mean. It's more important to understand how real life is going to be so she won't grow up with a entitlement mentality.

God Bless you and your family
K.

I agree with the advice here. I am the oldest of 4 children and My mom must have gotten tired after the second. My sister and I for the most part had to adhere to the same rules.... but When I left and went to college, the last 2 got away with alot more. The rules changed for them and I had issues when I went back to visit. I, myself, was ready to put them in line for things I would never have thought to do at their age - but they casually got away with. It seemed with the rules change, the "fear-of-god" was no longer there. I'd tell her "That's Life, Deal with it." She'll have to learn to cope with not getting her way at some point; and it's better now than later.

Absolutly!!!! That is all I have to say. Stick to your guns. The state of MIchigan doesn't change the law for girls that have older sisters and let them get their driver's license early. Nor should you! Good luck.

It's hard when they are so close in age. I can understand how your daughter feels but rules are rules. One idea that my friends did for their daughter was allowed their daughter to bring a boy to the movies and the parents promised to stay a distance away. They also did a dinner date and sat across the restaurant. It gives her some idea of a date but supervised. I'm sure she'll freak out at first like my friends daughter did but soon enough she agreed it was better than nothing.

You are 100% correct. You get more privilages with age and the rules are different for different ages. Explian it to the 15 year old and give her no chioce but to accept it. She is only young once weather she appreciates it or not - keep her acting her age. THere is no need to a 15 year old to be acting and having the same freedom as a 17 year old. And on your side is michigan law that gives different curfews for the two age groups.

Good luck

S., you are absolutely right!!!! The rules you set for children depend on each child, not an age. Your 15 year old isn't up to handling 2 jobs and dating at this time. My daughter was able to handle most adult responsibilities by 16, where my 2nd son was completely irresponsible! My last 2 boys are in our home and the 17 year old is more irresponsible than his little brother, who is 15. Priveledges are given in accordance to responsibility, they are not a right! I think that we as parents, get caught up in the "debate" our children give us rather than in the facts. These are priviledges. And they depend on maturity. Hope this helps, L. S.

My sister, though much younger than I, sometimes felt the same way..

My dad's response. Nothing in life is fair. Your sister is older and it allows her more priveleges. Someday you'll be her age and you can do them to. For now. Your to young.

Hi S.---I think it is more than appropriate that the girls have differing sets of privileges. We keep telling our kids that they have very few rights when they are living in our house. We have the responsibility to feed, clothe and keep them safe. Everything else must be 'earned' by them, either through age or behavior. Driving at 16 is NOT a right, it is a privilege that has to be earned. It teaches them patience in acquiring things in life. Your 15 yr old may not like these restrictions, but you will be teaching her a valuable lesson by sticking to your rules. Our kids need us to establish and hold boundries for them until they earn the right to explore those boundries on their own. By keeping those boundries now, she will be better equipped to handle life when she has to make her own decisions.

Good luck and trust yourselves. D.

No way. She is only 15. If the rule for dating/working is 16, stick to it! It's only a year away. It will give her something to look forward to. Besides, your older daughter had to wait and she survived. So will the younger one. My kids do the same thing to me. Everything the older one gets to do, the younger one says she should be able to do too. Some things I won't budge on are: make-up, dating, working, curfew and grades. Those are big, important things that should have ground rules set and should be stuck to. I always tell my kids, they don't have to like the rules but they do have to follow them. Period. Stick to what you feel is appropriate. And honestly, I don't know anyone that has let their kids date earlier than 16. Good luck! I hope this helps.

No! I don't think, that the rules should be the same for everyone! She's not 16 so she shouldn't be able to date yet. She can't drive yet so no, she shouldn't be able to have 2 jobs and doesn't have the ability to get herself back and forth to work. When she is of that age, then yes, she can do the same things. What's good for one goose isn't always right for another goose!!

Yes, you are right to keep your rules the way they are. Both girls should have the same set of rules! I have a sister that is almost 3 years older than I and our parents made us do alot of things together and I feel now as an adult that I did and learned about stuff that I shouldn't have at a very young age. So, yes I agree with your parenting and not allowing your 15 yo to date yet.

A.

You have your hands full! No matter what you do or say to either of your daughters on anything, you are certain to get complaints! But YOU are the parent and thereby have the final word. If your 15 yr old says "it's not fair!" all you have to say is "Well, Life's not fair" and leave it at that.

Absolutely! You made the rules because you thought they were appropriate, not to punish you daughters. You younger daughter will just have to deal with it. I don't mean to be unsympathetic, I really don't, but sympathy is not deserved in this case. The rules are the rules...period. It IS fair, because the rules are the same for both daughters...what WOULDNT be fair is to change the rules just because the youngest daughter throws a temper tantrum.

You are doing a good job, Im sure...dont let your teenagers mood swings make you question your good senses!

~L.

I think that the rules are the rules. You would definitely see a lot of resentment from the older one who had to wait, just to see her "whining sister get her way." (I'm not calling her that, just guessing that's how sister would feel. :)Mine are 7 and 5 and we deal with the "it's not fair" thing daily. We have our responses set in stone......Life isn't fair, you won't always get what the other has, etc.

Good luck.

Absolutely not. I have two young girls they are 18 months apart - but the rules have always been different. Our oldest gets to help out with more things. Often gets to different things (go to school, get invited to birthday parties, things like that). The youngest doesn't always like it - but we stand firm. The concept is the same as yours, even if the arguing point is a lot more minor. If you allow your daughter to start dating at 15, then your older daughter is going to think it's not fair that she had to wait (despite the fact that she gets to date now). Remember the reasons you wanted to hold off allowing those privelages and make sure she understands them. If it's anything like our decisions - it's because of a belief factor. You need to stand firm on those beliefs. I often equate parenting to trees - you can stand firm like an Oak (and feel better in the end) or you can bend like a Willow (and may regret decisions you made later).

I would let her know that you can understand why she wants to and that not being able to is frustrating, but you've made your decision and that's that. But I'd also keep track of at what age you do allow your eldest to do things. This is simply for the fact that my parents were the same way, and yet when I got to X age, they'd say..."no we didn't". I couldn't prove it and neither could they. It was a little different since I have an older brother and not sister, but still...perhaps even more the reason. Overall the rules apply, for the most part, to the both of them. That's fair to both your eldest and your youngest. Good luck! Our little one is small yet, but I'm SURE we'll have that ahead of us too.

The rules should apply according to the behavior they show. If one child appears more responsible and takes boundaries seriously, then that works. But if the younger one is only going on what the older one does, but doesn't show some maturity or responsibility around you, has questionable friends, it's a different situation. The older one is a good source of info. If she knows who your younger one hangs around with, you can maybe use that to make your decision. You're bound to look unfair at some point in parenting. But it's part of the package.
If the older has questionable friends, you sure wouldn't feel secure with endorsing dating some of these unseemly kids, right? Meet your younger daughter's friends. Try to make a judgement of your own. Ask her that if you felt okay around her friends, would she agree with your decision then? If they pass muster, fine. Set some guidelines tho too.
It really all depends on their personality differences.

S.,
Good for you and your husband. We are doing this with our 12 and 10 year olds. It is hard but we have all set these boundaries for a reason because of values and knowledge that we all believe in. Of course it isn't fair, but life is made up of lots of things that aren't fair. If we don't teach them how to handle life's unfairness now, then how will they be able to make all of life's adaptations when they are on their own. My husband and I just lay it out like it is. We say things like, "You're right. It isn't fair. But it is still the way it is." We do allow our oldest to go out with groups of both girls and boys, with adult supervision, but not our 10 year old. She doesn't like it and she whines and she stomps and, you know. But she also knows that when she is 12, she will have some activities and outings to look forward to. Again, I am glad to know that their are other parents out there who are sticking to the rules/boundaries and not giving in just because it is easier.
B.

Keep the boundaries. You wouldn't let he do what her 5 year old sister was doing at 3 b/c she wasn't physically ready. Now she isn't psychologically ready, so stick to your guns. Doesn't this may the potty training issues look easy! Good luck with your teens.

She's pushing the boundaries to see if you'll give in. I'd stick by my guns, explaining the situation lovingly as often as you need to. Hang in there, Mom! She'll have the same issues with her kids some day and she'll be glad you made her wait. She has lessons she can learn from this "unfairness".

We had 5 kids and some of the same kind of issues. We told our kids that "Fair doesn't always mean equal." Is it "fair" to put a 15 year-old into a 17 year-old's class at school and expect them to get the same grades? Try to use a similar analogy with something that she will understand.

Of course!!! The rules you had for your oldest should apply to your youngest as well.
Your 15 year old may not think it is fair that the 17 year old gets to do all this stuff, like dating and driving, but make her understand that when she is older she will be allowed to do the things her sister is doing now.

I am going to have to deal with this in the future aas my daughters are 18 months apart!!!! But I think that just because the older one does it does not mean that the younger one should be allowed to. She is younger, you had a reason for setting the dating age at 16, does that reason still stand (is the younger one more mature, more responsible than your oldest?). I think that rules are not always the same for each child as each child is different but they should be based on that childs maturity, ect not just that her older sister gets to. I know she doesnt want to hear it but tell her to demonstrate to you why she should be allowed to do things before you feel she should and maybe you wil make exceptions but the old "well my sister gets to" reason doesnt cut it (my daughters are 4 & 3 so I have a while before i get to your problems but I already have to tell my girls when they complain that "you are not your sister").

Hi S. - you have my prayers for the next couple of years! I have three older sisters. I was not able to do the things they were and yes, it may seem unfair to the 15 year old, but life is not fair, many times! The older daughter had to wait until she was 16 to date, holding the line on what you set is an important thing, I think. Once you begin giving in to the "it's not fair' argument you will have a hard time stopping that, I'm afraid. Sometimes the younger one may earn a privilege earlier than her sister did because she's shown maturity or good judgment, etc. You'll be able to explain that to both of them if and when the time comes. Being flexible is an important part of parenting, but changing a rule you set because you thought it was best for your kids, just because one thinks it's unfair doesn't seem like a solid decision to me. All the best. Beth

Hello S., Your are doing it correct! The youngest should have to wait until the same age that your oldest was for such privleges. No matter what you do with this age, they think it is unfair. Just like a two year old, they will throw their tantrums. And just like when they are tottlers, you have to set the rules and stick to them. My MIL always told me that teenagers are just 2 year olds in bigger bodies! They are defient, testing limits, exploring the world, but want mom and dad to be there when they fall down. LOL. Congrats on doing such a good job. Hang in there, it does get better in about 10 years! LOL. Good luck.

I heard the best thing from a teacher, Fairness is not having the same things, fairness is getting what you need. If your younger daugher doesn't understand why she does not have the same privileges, then she is too young to have those privileges.

When you're 15, you don't have the patience to understand this. Just tell her, life is fair because she is getting exactly what she needs.

Hi S.. I may only have an infant, but I can tell you from experience (I was the younger daughter - my sister was older and got to do everything first), that you should definately NOT let the younger one make you change your rules. We set rules like dating and cufew for a reason. As we mature, we ourselves make better and more informed decisions. Your 15 yr. old should not be able to change those rules. Your older daughter had to wait 16 years to date, so why should your 15 yr. old not have to do the same? She'll complain now, but stick to your guns. If you begin giving in now, it'll be hard to stop and getting her to respect your decisions will only get harder. As an adult now, I appreciate more and more my parents' decision to hold fast to their 'rules'. Best of luck to you and your family!

Hi, S.. Your fifteen year old daughter is testing you. Stick to your rules. It may be "unfair" but actually it would be "unfair" to your older daughter who abided by your rules. She'll be sixteen soon enough. The teen years are tough but they need structure and consistency. Good Luck. Denise.

My kids are much younger, so we are still dealing with the she (the 7 mos old) hit me (the 4 year old). However, I can remember being the oldest (3 years about). Here is my thought, you chose a certain age at which privileges were granted to the oldest, why should the younger child get those privileges earlier? Isn't that unfair to the older child who had to wait? I would stick to your original plan unless there is a legitimate reason to change something (not that it isn't fair).

It actually is fair that the older child is getting to do these activities and the younger one will also get to do so when she reaches an appropriate age.

Absolutely...Stand your ground! If there would be a reason for a change, it shouldn't be just because her sister is doing it. Her activities should be age appropriate based on HER level of responsibility and maturity. It is quite the challenge for the parents. My girls, now 29, 26 and 24 put me through the ringer...we all made it, learning along the way. Follow your gut...it is usually right.

I think that is entirely dependent on the maturity level of the youngest. I think that you should treat each child independent of each other . . . recognize them as individuals. Check out the book, Siblings Without Rivalry . . . escaping the comparison of the parental treatment that each sibling receives will allow you to address each girls personalities and needs without giving cause for them to declare 'unfair treatment'. You might get a little more cooperation, too.

You have your work cut out for you. I have a little sister, who is almost 11 and I am 21 - although we have the HUGE age difference my sister always thought she should be able to do what I do, not to the extent of dating but things like staying up until I do, leaving when I wanted, etc. Being that I am 21 and being 15 and 17 wasn't too long ago for me, I can relate. I think at 15 if I had an older sister I would have wanted to do what she did, but I also remember being 15 and being 17 and there is a huge maturity range in there. Your 17 year old sounds very mature - having 2 jobs at that age is very commendable. I know at 15 I was still very impressionable, meaning I was more apt to follow the crowd rather than making my own smart choices. While at 17 you have a better feel for youself and can stand up against wrong choices. I personally don't think they should both have all of the same restrictions (I probably wouldn't have agreed with this at that age though). But maybe you can compromise... what is the 15 and 17 year olds curfews? Maybe if the 15 year olds is 10 and the 17 year old is 12am, compromise that the 15 year old gets 11pm. But also explain to her that she is younger and will not be able to do the same things, although that may not work because I know I wouldn't have liked that at the age either. Sometimes you have to say, sorry life sucks sometimes LOL my mom said that to me when I was younger and didn't get what I wanted.
Also, regarding dating for your 15 year old, I would be careful. Perhaps they can "date" at your house, rather than going out on an actual date! She may not like that, so maybe compromise with her that she can go out with her boyfriend in a group setting to a movie, or whatever she is asking to do. She is 15 so she won't be able to drive herself. Now that it's summer maybe her boyfriend and she can go to the beach with friends, that way she is in a group setting but still feels like she is getting freedom. I remember "dating" at 15, it's usually nothing serious. But I would be careful and make sure you meet her "boyfriend" I know what boys want at that age and they are starting to expierement. It is NOT uncommon for girls at that age to have sex for the first time, you would be suprised.

Anyway, good luck and if you would like to chat more, PM me :)

Hi S.! Good luck with this!!!!

My sister and I are 3 years apart, and she and my brother are about 2 or 2.5 years apart. When my sister was 15 and in high school and my brother (the oldest) was getting ready to graduate high school, she felt he should have the same rules. I remember hearing her argue with my parents all the time "But Bobby gets to do that, why can't I?" and they never swayed. They stood the ground they were given.

The same stuff happened when I was 15 and entering high school and my sister was graduating high school. I argued all the time that I was more responsible, I deserved more freedom. Again, they stood their ground. It was their rules and too bad if I didn't like it, THEY were the parents!

Stand your ground with your 15 year old daughter. Remind her that soon enough she WILL be 16 and she WILL have those freedoms, however if she abuses her priveledges now, some of those freedoms wont be allowed immediately, as she will have to "earn" them.

I proved to be the most responsible of my parents children and when I turned 17 I obeyed their rules, with slight liberties here and there. At 18, they didn't worry about me going wild and crazy just because "I am 18 now and an adult".

Suggest to your 15 year old that she take up a summer job, if she wants to work. I had my first job at 14 or 15 at the local grocery store (only a few blocks away) and I walked there. They only picked me up in severe weather and I learned a lot about what responsibility is and how it needs to be earned and not just given away freely.

NO!! The rules are the rules in our house. What would that say to your oldest? She didn't get to do something until a specific age, now the sister gets to do it earlier? The younger one is going to bulk at it but stand firm. She's older plain and simple. She'll get her time in due time.

S. M
Just as each child is a unique individual. Rules for individual children may be unique. I have read several books about Boundaries and Jim Fey's Love & Logic. I'm sure your parent sense will lead you. If you don't trust that your child is ready, say so, be honest. Some day your daughters may even appreciate your concern. In the real world trust must be earned. Let your younger daughter come up with a list of things she could do to set your mind at ease and let her show progress in steps. My parents had very different rules for my brother who was five years older than me. He couldn't come home pregnant, even though he could have gotten a girl pregnant. I resented it at the time, but see it now as the best way they knew to show loving concern. When your daughters are parents they can choose to act differently. Also, I have a sister nineteen months younger than me and though I don't resent or remember always being treated as two peas in a pod, other than pictures of all the matching outfits when we were young; I do remember resenting her getting the same privileges and items at the same time during teen years. I had to wait to get a transisitor radio, yet a few months after receiving one (without batteries), she got an electric clock radio. It seemed so unfair. Aw, but that is life. Best of luck. God Bless!
K.