Struggling with Returning to Work Full-time

take it and try to find another part time oportunity while you work it. No, you are not selfish and not babying them. No, you cannot just go without money. Very hard situation and maybe you can go into it knowing you will try to find something else? Less stressful looking for a job when you have one as opposed to not having one! Good luck!

some of the advice you have received is good but it leans a lot toward the sahm experience. if you really like having a part time job, i would sit down with your boss find out exactly why s/he wants you to give up part time and discuss whether there are other options. make sure s/he knows all that you have accomplished part time.

i work full time and am a single mom. i realized my daughter was not getting enough sleep because of our schedule and then i started doing the math. 12h sleep + 9h work + 1h commute left only 2 hours to get her ready for daycare in the morning and ready for bed at night and eat dinner and read two books before bed. waaaaayyyyy not enough time. if i gave her a clif bar while she stood in the shower i might pull it off. i also hated how my speech became riddled with 'hurry up' and 'get your shoes on or lose...' so i worked out an arrangement with my boss. i'm still not completely happy i would like to work part time as i used to at another job. for now i work most of my day within the normal workday and then i either come back to work late at night or do some work at home. it is not ideal but i refuse to have a sleep deprived monster of a daughter while i become a monster of a mom. not sure how helpful this was it's kind of rambly. good luck!

Alot may depend on how much YOU enjoy your work and whether this is a career vs a job. If YOU are happy and fulfilled, your life at home will be more rewarding for ALL of you. It seems that you do very much enjoy your employment and employer, although now he needs your time full-time. Please consider that your children will very soon be engaged in many of their own activities later into the day and outside of your home, as older elementary children, with afterschool activities. This all makes it a bigger juggle perhaps, but they will be branching out and doing 'their own thing', so you should do yours and all juggle together, rather than be seen as merely the person who gives them rides from place to place of their newer and ever changing and increasing afterschool needs and activities. It is my opinion that you should accept the longer hours, do a good job with every intent of not talking yourself out of it, and then truly assess how you feel after 6-12 months. You will definitely perceive many changes in the autonomy of your children once your youngest is in school full days and both are in about grade 2-3. If this is a career position with alot of specialized schooling or training, there are even more considerations for weighing the import of the position, whether it can be readily replaced or for you to be able to re-enter the same market later. I found it was far better to plan for PT, flexible schedule and places and consulting work once my boys reached late middle and highschool age. At that point ours were out of classes at 2:15pm every afternoon and needed supervision and assistance to reach destinations for higher level activities. But by late highschool, supervision is essential; just being present in the house is enough so that it does not become a "home-alone" hangout with predictable results! Being around also provides a few moments of touching base with wily teens who you might otherwise pass in the night (or mornings) only. <ha> Working when ours were younger was definitely the better option in our household. Good luck with your current choices; just don't burn any bridges you have worked hard to create in the work environment :)

John Stossel did a news-story a few years ago that changed how our family looked at this issue. Basically he asked what is the actual cost of having both parents employed. When you look at all the various expenses associated with working, explore what is the net effect on the household income. If you look at how much more money is coming in versus going out, your decision may become clearer. When you calculate the difference in income including the cost of gas for your drive to work; wear and tear on your car; extra childcare while you work; childcare coverage while you prepare for work and driving time; extra housecleaning help needed; dry-cleaning professional clothing; keeping your wardrobe up to date; work expenses (contributing to co-workers birthdays, etc.); union or professional organization dues; needing a higher cell phone plan; lunches eaten out at work; pre-made meals bought for lunches for you and kids (versus the cost of making these meals from scratch); dinners eaten out because you are too tired to make them; the effect of the lack of sleep on your kids because you let them stay up later to have quality family time; the effect on you of getting less sleep because you are trying to do it all, so it ends up getting done during your sleeping time; the loss or gain of benefits earned at work (health insurance, retirement funds, matching funds for donations to causes of your choice, professional conferences or classes, etc.); the shift in your tax bracket (the extra taxes you will have to pay on your extra income versus the less taxes you'll pay on going to a lower tax bracket); etc. The exercise is to figure out if by working full time are you actually bringing in that much more money to the family, and if that amount is worth the non-financial costs.

One of my girlfriends added to her list, therapy bills for her and her children for her working outside her home, while another girlfriend added to her list, therapy bills for her and her children if she were to work at home. A lot depends on the satisfaction one gets from being in an income-earing work place and how important is that title to one's self-esteem.

For our family it turned out that we were paying for childcare for me to get ready for work, drive to work, work, drive home and to get the report of the day from the sitter, and, by the end of all that alone, not including tax brackets or any other factor, just the extra expenses in the childcare was making us break even. So adding all the other factors, for our family it was literally costing us money to have me employed outside the home. I have picked up a part-time, do-at-home project that helps bring in a bit of mad-money, enough to help with some of the extra expenses and we have tightened our belts and made other decisions that feel right for our family's needs at this time in this economy.

This is a very personal decision because it is all about your personal priorities and financial realities. Good Luck, and what ever you and your husband choose will be right for your family.

I don't think you are selfish for wanting to be at home at the end of the kids school day but I understand that you need to work. I am a SAHM so am happy that at the moment I don't have to be in that situation. Could you not try and make a compromise with your employer? For example agree to work 3 full days & then have the other 2 off?

I hope you manage to work something out

K.

Hi Colleen-

I have an infant and struggled with that. Although it is not nearly as convenient as your schedule, I reduced my hours and take off one day a week. I do wednesdays so that it doesn't imply the desire for a long weekend, but really a desire to be with my kids. Reducing my week by 8 hours has not affected my work or work load and I am still an integral part of the office. Maybe they would be amenable to this sort of reduction across the board for you -- then you can be home ever day -- just reducing your day by 1.5 hours.

Good luck

Seems like you are making ends meet now working part time, so I would hold out for another job that has part time hours - you are not crazy, you're a mom! Of course you want to be with your kids and they are lucky to have you! It wouldn't be normal for you to not want to be with them i.m.o. I think families benefit from having a SAHM whenever possible. I was working full time because both of my step kids were in school- originally I worked from home, so it was better because we had no day care costs, but then I lost my job and got one out of the house, but they were in school so no day care during the school year, and an excellent one in the summer...and I was making great money so I could afford day care and extra fun things as well as helping out with groceries, etc. It was very easy financially, but it was draining on me because I am a pleaser at heart and I always felt torn between work and home....if they kids needed to be picked up from school, I felt horrible about leaving for work - especially since my coworkers all didn't have kids. When I was at work, I felt like I needed to be home catching up on laundry, etc....so my days were packed and I got fried - I still did the best I could and kept the house clean and made dinner, etc and it worked out, except I was always conflicted and that caused stress and made me feel like I was a less happy mom. I lost my job and then discovered I am pregnant, so i decided not to go back. We have had to sacrifice some things - but most of the things were unnecessary - some things like electronics purchases, furniture, etc we are already set on - but we also decided to cancel little things, like my husband's cell phone since he uses his work phone or my cell, our blockbuster online account, and I also just switched to a bundle package that was cheaper for our phone line at home and asked the company if they could lower our cable bill, and they did by $27/month. I have had to change grocery stores to walmart for the most part and also try to shop at costco for bulk items which help - but it's easier to budget now that I have more free day time hours! It's a little more difficult to budget and we eat out and go to the movies WAY LESS, but a new baby is worth it - and my peace of mind! I think the kids benefit from it as well because I am more readily available when they need me for school activities, etc and I am not rushing around any more - the kids have my attention when they need it after school because I get cleaning and errands done before they get home, and I can help them with homework, etc and they are doing well at school. Each family has their own style, but I say the sacrifice we are making in order for me to be able to stay at home is well worth it!

Coleen,

Congratulations for allowing yourself to process the dilemma in your heart. This is a hard decision, at best, but even harder is looking back on the years you are now in and wishing you had invested in the children more. You do not get a do-over with children.

I come from a position of having devoted my talents to raising my family, even in the midst of many financial hardships. In retrospect, I am SOOOO... glad that I kept my priorities my children, for now that my daughter is 30 and raising her own family, I see the sacrifice and dedication paying off in her stability to raise her own family.

That said, I know that putting your kids first means sacrifice financially, but we Americans all have adopted ease of lifestyle as quality of life. That is just not so. If things are tight, you learn to pull together and be creative. Both life lessons so necessary in today's world. You build the character to weather hardship. Again an imperative life skill.

So the choice is really between two very important considerations. Your children will not be with you forever, though it seems like such a long time. After they are independent, you will have time to focus on you "Full-time" and you will have the pride of knowing you kept first things first.

I believe when we put what is important to God first in our lives, he puts providing our needs at the top of His list for us.

I hope you will gain peace over this and I ask God to fill your employer's heart to favor you. What they "Think" really doesn't matter. It is what you "KNOW" that is important.

Blessings...

Oh Colleen, I feel your pain as I read your request. I was in a similar situation not too many years ago. After much thought and many, many prayers, my husband and I decided that I would become a full-time SAHM with our 3 boys. We have made many sacrifices of material things and have all learned the difference between "wants" and "needs." I invested $15 in a book called Miserly Mom: How to Live on One Income in a Two Income Economy. GREAT BOOK! Tons of penny pinching ideas. Some ideas that were too miserly even for me! LOL Now that I can take a moment and look back over these few years...I can't imagine our life any other way. I abosolutely LOVE being a SAHM! As for the kids and my husband, although I may not hear it every day, they do tell me how much they love the fact that I'm home with them. Funny how not one of us misses any of the "stuff" we thought we just had to have. LOL
You are welcome to email me anytime and pick my brain. Take Care,
N. R.
SAHM homeschooling 3 boys 14, 9 & 3 yrs old and married to my Mr. Wonderful for almost 16 yrs!

This is a hard, and you're right, personal decision. Sometimes work can actually cost you more than you make. Other times it can be beneficial. My job is better for me and my family because I am a much better mom! Not only am I able to provide better for them, but I am a better mom - more patient. My kids are 6, 4, and 2. Luckily though, they have never been in day care. My sister has been coming to my house for 3 years now. My youngest will be 3 and go to full-time day-care/school next year...but he will love it. My husband and I, at that point, will redo our schedules to get the kids on and off the bus. Really, it boils down to what is best for you and YOUR family. Good luck!

Hi, Colleen, Of course you are not being selfish! Naturally you want to be there to raise your own kids. It is so sad how many families hardly see each other. In today's world we are all overworked and have little time to relax and enjoy life. I hope everything works out for you. I work with lots of moms who have chosen to stay home with their kids. Our business is a very viable way to create relaible residual income (supplemental or replacement!) Happy to share if you think this might be a good answer for your situation. Please rest assured that this is not a scam, we are backed by the U.S. Chamber of Commerce and are a BBB Torch Award winner. And, we are growing - even in this economy! I'll hope to hear from you! Good luck!

that is such a tough choice. for starters, your boss has the right to decide what hours he must have you but he does NOT have any say into how you parent. do not take his criticism into consideration for one single second. you are not babying your kids by being there for them. that's called 'parenting'. of course they will be okay if you find great daycare for them. that doesn't mean it's wrong to want to do it yourself.
i was working 3 jobs when mine were the age of yours and while i don't see what else we could have done, one of the very few regrets that i have in my life is the amount of time my boys spent in daycare. it was a very good situation and they are fine, but i personally wish i'd had more time with 'em. if there is any way to negotiate hours with your current boss, that would be my first choice. if you cannot do without the income that's that, no point in recriminations. make the most of your time with them and find them the best daycare you can, and it will be fine, really. but if you can figure out a way to work part-time, that will be the best compromise of all.
good luck!
khairete
S.

Hi Colleen,

I too was in the same situation not to long ago. Faced with the reality that I may have to go back to corporate America and sacrifice being there for my kids. It is not selfish and you are babying your children! Don't get me wrong I loved my job with Corporate America and had a blast when I was single, but I was also working 60 hours a week and would have no family life!

I choose to find a work at home job for a debt free, recession proof corporation. You can supplement or replace your current income and have plenty of time for the important things in life!

Please visit my website and contact me if you are interested! I look forward to hearing from you!
www.workathomemd.com

S. Varga
Marketing Executive
WAHU
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That's a hard one. How long before you have to decide? I am a SAHM but also watch kids before/after school. I love being home with the kids but know what you mean about the income. It gets hard and we've had to cut back a little. Let me say this though, if your employer thinks you're babying your kids because of the way you feel must not be a parent of younger children. You are a mom, bottom line and you can feel however you want about your family.

Hi Colleen - That is tough, and you're not being selfish. Have you looked at each item in your budget and made sure there's nothing else you can cut? Have you talked to your employer to be sure they won't accept a PT arrangement? If so, then I'd take the FT job for now and start looking for something else. Maybe you will find something more accommodating, or maybe you will discover that working FT is not as bad as you thought. Good luck. I work FT and know how hard it is.

I would get the facts on the table. What would it mean to make this change? Would you get more benefits? Flex time? Can you telecommute some? Would you be expected to visit a client site? Etc.

Would you really be out of a job if you said no? I was once offered a contract at a site I was part-timing at and I turned it down. I did not like the site and was basically doing my job half time and someone else's job half time to appease our customers. They hired someone else for that full time position and kept me where I was, back to full time.

Then make the choice that works best for you. Friend of mine is thinking she'll stay home after this baby is born because two little ones in daycare is basically her current salary and her husband carries the insurance.

As everyone has said, this is a really hard decision, and ultimately only you can know what the right solution is for your family.

I'd encourage you to really think carefully about your options and think about what you really want out of your job and your family life.

When second baby was born, I was planning on taking off the entire first year without pay (I could do that and keep my job, I teach). Then the change in the economy happened, and our savings wasn't what it once was. So shortly after the baby was born, I was faced with the thought that maybe I really should go back to work full time (we get benefits through me and were planning on COBRA, but with savings less that was frightening). I was sick about it the thought of my baby in daycare, but I couldn't stand the thought that we'd use up all our money... Finally I sat down and realized the choice wasn't black and white, I could go back to work part time and get back the health benefits and only have the baby in daycare two days a week.
It worked great.

So I guess what I am saying is think about what kind of a schedule you would be willing to work, could you see increasing your hours some days, and being home some? Could you start earlier so that you could be home for the kids after school? Be as creative as you can be, and think about how to meet the empolyers needs and yours. Then think about your current position, and the value that you create for the company. If they want you to come aboard full time, they value your contributions. Yes lots of people are looking for work, but it is a real pain to hire someone, they don't always work out, training etc. Your employer probably doesn't want to deal with this, especially if they have a new client. Put together a really strong argument for keeping you and why the schedule you want benefits everyone. If you negotiate from a position of positive expectations, you may be surprised.
If nothing else, you may be able to convince them you are valuable enough to keep, even if only part time (wouldn't it be cheaper for them to have two part time people, instead of one full time? You could train someone else to work the hours you don't for example).

Good luck, it is never selfish to think about the needs of your life and your family.

That is a hard decision, but if you want to be with your kids so much I think you should. I worked part time for a while, but after my oldest was 3 I even quit that so that I could spend more of my time with them.
They aren't little for very long, and then they grow up and usually don't want you around as much. I chose and take advantage of the time I have with them. I figure I can work for the rest of my life, but raising young kids is short lived.
Good luck.

Hi-

I'm in my first year back in the role of being SAHM- I just left a memorable job teaching art after 2 years. Before I went to work I was a SAHM for 3 years. I realized I was dragging my kids along for the ride- I wasn't being the relaxed and resourceful mom I wanted to be nor was I being the thorough teacher I wanted to be. Bringing home my work (planning, projects) to be prepared for class was taking over my family time, too! Limited sick leave (10 days... yes, that's limited when it comes to sick kids and I do get sick, too).

My husband's the breadwinner, too, so we agreed to go ahead and quit my job. I am happier, relaxed and it reflects on our family- we eat better meals, we're less tense, I can swoop in for my kids anytime, I can go for walks, I can just stay home on kids' school's professional days, I teach my children at home, go to the park, let them sleep in a little, read a book to my son's class, etc. For income, I do contract work on the side. We're happier, we do raise an eyebrow at our bank balances but the tone of our life is much better than when both parents worked.

What helped me decide for sure was thinking that in the end, what really mattered was I was there for the family than being an awesome teacher. You get the one family you have right now; there's always another class of kids (insert your job activity here) waiting for you when you're ready to go back.

If your income is a MUST, I recommend start job searching now while you're still working and hang in there with the temporary situation until you find the ideal hours. (I did ask my school for p/t work but they only did full time. I realized it didn't matter because the daycare I had my kid at would still charge full rate in spite of reduced hours.)

Best wishes for you to find peace! You'll find it when you bury the hatchet on the job thing.

H.,
Returning SAHM of a 5 year old and a 3 1/2 year old.

I had to return to work when my son was 6 weeks old. Actually I had to work 2 jobs. It's hard and you do miss them but daycare isn't the worst thing in the world. And if you really do need your income, actually having a job totally outweigs any negatives of daycare. My son currently does before school care at his school and he loves it and is able to actually interact with both older kids and younger kids not just kids in his grade. (I go in to work early so i can be off at 4). You could also accept this job now and keep looking for new employment. Maybe you will find daycare helps with social skills, it definitely helped my son, and that you enjoy working full time. And if you find a better job at least you have something in the mean time and have an income coming in. I make a lot of crock pot dinners and lots of pasta and rice so I don't spend all night cooking dinner and he does his homework and talks with us while I make dinner (OK and some take out too). And no you're not being selfish feeling this way. They are your kids and will of course miss you and probably have a time adjusting to the change but I'm sure they definitely appreciate the food and electricity that your income would provide:-) But it also makes the time you do spend together more precious. But good luck with whatever you decide.

As the mother of three with the oldest being 14, I feel like you are NOT being selfish or babying your kids wanting to be home for them after school. You cannot get back the time you miss. I work part time very close to home and I love my job. Can you telecommute a few days a week? Could you go to work earlier to be home earlier? I would try to work it out with your boss and if not, keep your job until you find another "perfect" job. Tough choice but, in my opinion, your #1 job is as a mom and hopefully, your job can work in harmony with that. Good luck.

My husband and I have what seems like a unique situation. He works full-time and b/c of where he works he doesn't make 1/2 of what he could elsewhere. But, we got pregnant when we were 19, married at 20, and are now only 24. We just bought our first home, with no downpayment. I stay home b/b when we looked at the benefits/costs of me getting a job, it actually makes more sense financially for me to watch our children. Then there are the added benefits of getting to spend time with them. We live a little farther out than we did when we were renting (from his work, our church, and the stores we shop at). But, I have a very good grocery list, and we do all of our shopping in one day. Most of our savings comes from having one vehicle, living in an area where insurance and taxes are very low (great place for raising kids-very little crime!) I used About.com to set up a budget for free, and we stick to it pretty closely. We don't get everything we want, but it seems like most people experience that no matter how much money they have. We eat at home mostly, which saves a lot of money over going out to eat. We do have a great insurance plan and a few other good benefits through hubby's job, which helps in emergencies (and for retirement). Another big thing is buying stuff on sale. Buy wrapping paper, Christmas decorations, etc, at the after Christmas sale. Make your Christmas gift list early on, buy things on clearance sales, and then when Christmas comes you actually have very little shopping to do, which usually leads to less impulse buying. Get a Hallmark card and use their rewards program to get free cards and good coupons. You can buy cards in advance, just like presents, just stay organized so you don't loose them. It's not always easy, but after staying home with my kids, we decided we would much rather do this and get to see our kids all day than others we know who only get to spend 3-4 hours with their kids daily. That being said, my parents only got to see me and my brother 3-4 hrs a day, and we're all fine and have good relationships with them. It's really whatever is best for you, and remember there is a sacrifice on both sides, it's just what benefits and sacrifices are you really wanting to live with. And usually if places ask for a contract, it's only a year or so initially. You may be able to try working more (for a year or a few months) and see if it works for you or if you'd rather not work than work those hours. There's a lot of freedom in being able to say "I only promised so much longer." If you go into the mindset that it will be permanent that can make it a harder decision. Good luck with whatever you choose!

I can absolutely understand you not wanting to work full time so you can see your kids more. I think your employer is being very unfair trying to make you second guess yourself on that. I am a stay home mom and I can't imagine having to leave my children all day every day with someone else and only get to see them a couple of hours in the evening.
The mother of my daughter's best friend works long hours, leaving her children with her elderly mother-in-law who can't drive. The children miss out on so much as a result. They can't do play dates after school or participate in other evening activities and often the mother is only getting home just before the children go to bed. The father earns a decent wage so for me as a SAHM I don't get it. She once was lamenting the situation and said "oh well, it's all for the children" (meaning the extra money she was earning) and I couldn't help thinking that the children would much rather have a bit more time with their mother than fancy clothes and gifts.
Do not feel guilty about wanting to spend time with your children, especially when they are young. "All too soon the clock will strike midnight and they'll be gone!"
Do what you feel is right for you. Look out for a different job if you need too.
I hope you find a good solution.
L. P
www.YouCanWorkFromYourHome.com

Can you flex hours? My friend travels from Rockville to VA each day but works from 7-3. Granted, the commute is a bear, and she's not around to pick up her kids, but she at least has more time in the evening with them.

If not, then think of it this way: Both boys will be in school FT, which means that unless your commute is a long one, they'd only be in daycare for a little over an hour. And once they get bigger, they'll be involved in all sorts of activities (sports, I imagine). So they'll be coming home later, too.

Summers are difficult. I can't think of any other alternative other than camp and working with your daycare provider for before and after care.

Good luck in your decision! I actually think your boss is paying you a compliment in wanting you FT!

I'm not going to comment on the employers feelings ... unless he's actually SAID that .. then it could be that you're projecting.

Now for the choice to stay at home or not. You are completely right that it is completely your choice. But here's what I suggest to figure out if it's feasable or not to completely stay home.

Sit down and gather up every bill you have and also look at your spending patterns. Is there somewhere you can cut the fat so to speak?

Some places we cut the fat when we needed to were things like Cable tv .. we went with the most basic cheapest package we could. Call around and check out bundle deals too and DON'T hesitate to say "well so and so can give me this kind of package with these benefits/channels for whatever amount" if it's cheaper, the opposing company will do their best to get your business.

Can you sacrifice a vehicle? We had only one car for a VERY long time. Look into carpool options if you do end up going with one car. Many employers offer incentives for employees to car/vanpool ... it'll save you gas money AND is better for the environment.

Look at your entertainment and food budgets. Is there a place where you can cut out some things there?

Also look at child care costs. If you stay home you don't have any of those expenses, although the youngest kiddo will be in school soon so those costs will be going down anyway. But it's something to look at in your expenses to see if staying home is doable.

Those are just some of the areas to look at, going over everything is the only way know where things can be cut out and/or saved by not working. Only you know if you can financially afford to quit work.

If it's not feasable then it's not feasable and that's just that. I'd stick with the job while looking for something that gives you the hours you want, but at this point in time I'd say that chances are pretty slim of finding something that flexible. But you never know.

Good luck and I hope some of the tips I've given help you out :)

There are two other things to consider in your decision.
1. Increased your daycare costs vs increased income?
2. Will working until 5:30 cause too big of an issue at home? That's an hour and a half that you won't be home, and the evening routine will be pushed back. Will that really work?

Those answers would be key to me. My kids attend a home-based daycare, so while I miss being able to meet them at the bus, I know that they are going home to an awesome environment that they are happy in. I have been looking for a new part-time or full-time job since Feb, with no luck, so my advice, if my two questions are not deal breakers alone, would be to accept the new hours for now, while you try to find something else.

M.