Seeking Advice About Being a SAHM.

I think it is great that you might stay home. I began staying home with my two children in December of 2005. I then decided to watch one family part time to make some extra money. Staying home is hard work but you need to find outlets to meet other SAHM. Like everyone says ECFE or Mom groups are a great place to start. I've met several people that have become friends now because of it.

I still needed something so I also tried a direct sales company. I sell AtHome America. Not only was I able to make money I also got to get out and be around adults. I'm still selling AtHome America and love it. However, I decided to go back to work and am an Assistant Teacher at a Montessori school where I bring my youngest daughter with me as My oldest is in Kindergarten. It's a great fit for me now. I'm glad I stayed home for almost 2 years because it was very special. My younger daughter loves going to school now with me each and every day. Bottom line is you need to be happy.

Oh, R., I SOOO know how you feel. First of all, it's great that you have this option, and a supportive husband. I know so many women that would love to be in this position and just truly can't. I went from working 50 hours/week at a huge advertising/marketing firm, and gave it up to stay home full time. While it's certainly challenging at times, I NEVER regreted the decision. (Of course, it also helps that I will be entering an entirely different career when I got back to work eventually, so I don't have to worry about the loss of status or anything). Being a SAHM is not easy, but it's so rewarding in other ways. Don't get me wrong--some days I feel like a domestic drone, and there are times when I feel like hitting the roof if I hear another whine. BUT, I cherish the time I have with my guys, to see those every day accomplishments and shepherd them through those early years. After 6 months at home, I started working freelance for my old boss, which helps me feel like I'm still using my "adult" brain, while making a little money on the side. This, plus school (one class per semester), a book club, MOMS Club, ECFE, and a wonderful group of supportive friends, all help me feel balanced and like I still have plenty of "me" time. I feel truly blessed to have all those things to offset the energy I put into being Mom. And the interaction in ECFE/preschool and MOMS Club affords my boys the peer groups and activities they're missing not being in daycare. I guess what I'm saying is that I think you should give it a shot. You might find that you love it, and would never otherwise get that time back with your kids. If it doesn't work out, you can always find some other arrangement that's not black/white either (like part-time, working from home, etc.) But definitely get yourself some sort of support system so you don't feel isolated. Best of luck to you!!

I had never not worked either when baby was born, and now only work 24 hours/pp which seems like nothing - and I'd prefer it to be nothing! :-)

It was a huge transition for me at first, as the days seemed long, and I had a lot of time to think. However, I joined a MOMS Club (including after-hours Book and Cooking Clubs and daytime playgroup) and did some daytime classes where children were welcome. At one point I also joined a second group that met weekly plus (1-3 times/week), but found that to be just too much. Turned out that I really put a priority on doing things hands-on with my daughter and didn't value the long drives to events, admission/parking fees, and need to eat lunch out. So now I'm preparing for baby #2 while trying to get more of a routine of "local" events (10 minutes drive time or less) and a good daily rhythm at home. I'm sure you'll find your own best way to parent as well - just listen to your heart.

Good luck!
T.

R.,
I understand how you feel completely. I was a very career oriented woman and never wanted to have someone else "pay my way". I was fortunate enough to have the decision made for me when I was 7 months pregnant (the company I worked for went bankrupt and I was laid off). I wouldn't trade staying at home for any other job in the world! I definitely suggest finding something to get you out of the house though because it is very easy to isolate yourself. I joined a MOMS Club and that has been a lifesaver for me. But I am also a direct sales consultant selling tea. If you feel like you have to contribute something, that is a good way to go and there are a ton of direct sales companies so it is easy to find one that interests you. Just go into with the understanding that they are not get rich quick businesses, and you are not going to be making a full-time salary without a lot of work. They are a lot of fun though and I have found it is a nice guilt-free way to get some me time.
Whatever your decision is, trust that is will be best for your family if you are happy.

This was also a really difficult decision for me. The only difference for me was going from FT to PT. It took me a good couple months to figure out that I was going to be a SAHM during the day. I talked to many mommy neighbors at the park to seek advice and gain confidence over letting my career go. So many people say that time does go by fast and I try to keep this in mind when I have long days with my son.

As other moms have mentioned, seeking out ways to break up the day makes it easier. I go to two different ECFE's during the week and my mom in law comes over once in a while so I can run errands.

You know what is best for you and your child, so whatever decision you make, it is YOUR decision. It's hard at first, but once you find a niche of other people (neighbors, clubs, ECFE) you won't feel so alone in this process of staying home. Good luck!

Hey, R....

I just saw your request--a little behond on the emails :) When our son, James, was born I made the switch from working full time to being a SAHM. At times it has been a sacrifice, but I really wouldn't it trade it for the world. These years go so fast that I really am grateful we are able to make it work right now. While at times I miss some of the things about my job, I have to regrets on the choice to stay home. I know not all families can do that, but if you can, it's definitely worth considering. If you do end up staying home, I'd also encourage you to check out a mom's group around you. It helps to still have an outlet for connecting with other women (there are moments that can feel a bit isolated otherwise) and meeting some playmates for your kiddo. I recommend MOPS highly in that sense. If you have more questions about the transition or MOPS, I'd be happy to answer--just shoot me off a personal message. Blessings to your and your family!
V.

When my first son was born, I went back to work part-time after 8 weeks. It was an ideal situation for me, but we moved & it worked best for me to stay home. It was a really tough transition, & I'd say I went through an identity crisis. What was most helpful was finding like-minded friends. We would talk while the kids played. I also found it critical for me to have my own activities & volunteer responsibilities. Finally, because I was used to balancing more, I found it necessary to have some sort of schedule. I planned 1 activity for every day, whether it was a playdate, trip to a museum, class, trip to Target, etc. That helped me feel like I had "accomplished" something. 3 years & 1 more child later, I still miss the recognition & feedback, but I have no regrets. I plan to return to work when the kids are in school.

I think it all depends on your temperament. Of course, we all LOVE our kids and want to spend lots of time with them-that's a given. But I think some parents (I know lots of SAHDS, too) are suited to being at home FT and some aren't. I'm currently home with 2 kids, but I actually think I'm better off (and my daughter is, too-jury's still out on my son!) working PT. I need the adult interaction, outside responsibilities and opportunities for accomplishment. My field is working with teen moms and supporting families, so I know that what I'm doing benefits others as well as my family (if I worked for a bank, say, I might not feel the same way (:). I love the time I get to spend with my kids, but honestly, I miss the sense of professional identity I had. FT work is too much-I think PT, if you have a good setup (that is, not expected to come in on your days "off," not expected to accomplish FT in PT hours, etc.) is perfect, and actually good for your kids as they get to experience a wider world but still spend the bulk of their time with a parent. People can get very "sentimental" about this issue, but I advise you to consider your choices carefully. Good luck!

R.:

As some of the other ladies said, your chilgren grow up SO fast, I doubt you'd ever look back and regret the time you were able to spend at home with your son. The bigger question is whether or not you're willing and able to make the financial sacrifices that often follow when one parent makes the choice to stay home. If that those sacrifices won't be an issue for you, I think the choice to stay home will be an easy one. Remember that this switch to SAHM doesn't have to be permanent - you can always find another job if it doesn't work out as well as you'd hoped.

Hi~
I worked since I was 13 and after my second, I got to stay home. I love it. I get to be with my kids and see them threw there changes. Some days are really hard (Its the hardest job I have ever had, but the best). My suggestion on the hard days is to take a brake and get some you time. I find sometimes I never feel like I get a brake and its important when your home all the time. Other than that, Its the best thing I've gotten to do. We have 3 wonderful boys and I now watch my sisters 2 kids too. It was hard at first with the idea that I needed to "help" with the finances and alittle scary to depend on someone else now with the money (so to speak), but Its going to be just fine! Believe me. You'll get over that feeling because you are working really hard too and contributing just as much to your family by staying home. Feel lucky to be able to be home, alot of other moms don't get that choise. You'll be happy being home. Its a very important job too and one you will be prode you are getting to do. :) Good luck to you in the future!
~Rebecca

I worked full time with my first two children but when we had our third it was cheaper for me to stay home so I quit my job but also did a small in home daycare to make ends meet. I had a hard time at first because I never got out of the house and my husband worked from 3pm to 3 am so I had no out but I found away to get out more and have more me time, which made things alot better but I know have noticed I'm more of a home body I would rather stay home now then go run around where before I was a go go go kinda person. I think it's a major adjustment but it was one of the best things I've done I love having time with my kids.

That is a hard decision. One consideration that you might want to take into account when deciding how long to stay at home is retirement. One piece of advice that I will never forget is that you need to invest in your retirement because your kids do not want to be financially responsible for you when you are elderly. I also know how nice it is that my son has grandparents who are retired and financially sound to play with! I know so many women who stayed at home for years and now are working into their seventies because they did not accrue any social security or retirement. I did stay home with my son for a year and I would very much like to job share next year but I can't get past the long term effects of such a decision. I wish our society was more family friendly!

I think it is a very personal decision and every family and mom has different needs. You and your husband need to figure out what your family needs are. I am an attorney who has been "home" for 8 years after practicing law for 6 years and working as a legal publishing editor for another five years. I have loved it (although it has its moments as others have noted here) and can't even imagine working full time anymore. The time has gone so fast. I worked full time until my oldest was three so I've done both. I never knew what I would do about going back to work when my youngest started kindergarten, but I have found they need my time as much as ever--volunteering in school, running them around to their activities, etc. My husband also works long hours and travels a lot so I find it important to have at least one parent around to cover activities, doctor appointments, sick days and the myriad of things that go into managing a home and family. Most of my friends who work full time and have children have spouses with more regular hours who are available more often than my husband is. When my children were young we were very active in ECFE classes and at our local YMCA. There are many, many options out there for classes, groups and museum memberships. Some require a significant financial contribution, but others are very cheap or even free. Now that my kids are older I like being home when they get home from school and don't have to worry about latch key issues, sick days or school vacations. I get to chaperone field trips. I am continually amazed at how much I learn every time I volunteer at school. I know the teachers and administrators and the kids in my kids' classes. All of their friends know who I am. I know what's going on at school. It's also important to take care of yourself--meet a friend for lunch, work out, have a girls night out, etc. It's also important to maintain contacts in the working world. I have maintained my license to practice law, and I am in regular contact with my former work colleagues. For five years I have worked part time at our church and have gradually increased my responsibilities there. If and when I go back to work on a more permanent basis I have references who can say I am responsible, show up on time, etc. I was recently fortunate to be able to start working part time from home on a contract basis for my former employer. If you want to have a little extra money or some social contacts there are usually places looking for part time help where you can bring your children along--YMCA and health club child care centers, churches, etc. Best of luck with whatever you choose. I have had no regrets about staying home.

I also had always worked full time and paid my own way up until the birth of my daughter. I made the decision to stay at home with my daughter when my 4 month maternity leave was up. It just felt right to me. I've been at home with her for 7 1/2 months now. While there are days that it definitely tries my patience, I have no regrets. Connecting with other SAHM's is a must, whether it's through a moms group or an ECFE class. I also make it a point to only allow myself one day a week where I don't leave the house. Even if I need to just head to Target to get a pack of baby wipes, it breaks the monotony of the day. Being a SAHM can be very isolating, so you need to be pro-active about making sure that does not happen. I also decided to start working from home VERY part time (3-5 hours/week) while my daughter is napping to bring in a little extra money and still feel like I'm making a monetary contribution to the family. It gives me the best of both worlds. Good luck to you!

Hi R.,
I'm not sure that I'll have much more to say on this topic than the other gals, but I want you to know that I am in the very same boat as you. I worked full-time after my maternity leave and was miserable - always wishing to be an SAHM and feeling jealous of the women who were able to do that. Then, a part-time opportunity in the same company came along. I've been working 70% time for several months now and think I have the best of both worlds. Now, we have decided to move to a new city to be closer to family and for a better job opportunity for my husband. I will no longer "have" to work. I'm very torn and scrambling to decide what to do. I think you should just talk it through with your husband and weigh all the options. It sounds like he is very supportive.

I will add one more thing: I think there is a benefit to keeping yourself in the workforce that many people don't understand. The interaction that your child has with other kids and a structured environment can be a plus, and mothers who have careers often have a higher self-esteem. That only works if you are happy with your career though. If your workplace is too unfriendly to family life, then it puts more stress on you and your child.

I cut back my hours from 40 to 35 to 30-32 and that lasted over a month before my employer told me that I need to work 40 hours again. I don't have the tolerance to stay home full-time. I had my oldest home while I was on maternity leave and it didn't go well those three months. I had balance with the part-time schedule. A few things to knock around...
1. will you be able to have your husband pay you what he'd pay normally for daycare each month?
2. What about your retirement or childs education savings?
3. Will you have a sense of well being?
4. What about adult time?

R.,

Your situation sounds similar to mine. When I was on maternity leave, the company I worked for for 7 years was bought out by a bigger company. I went to a meeting 3 weeks post-partum and was told that my 4 day a week schedule would not be allowed and I would have to work 40 hours a week. Insult to injury, my perfect daycare informed me they would be closing after 6 months. I sure felt like that 9 months of prep was crumbling, but I also took it as a sign to stay home and take some time and I don't regret the decision for a moment. I struggled for 3 months to make the choice to stay home but eventually made it.

It was hard for me to give up making my own money at first but honestly, the transition came much easier than I expected it would. I now feel empowered, when I do decide to go back to work, that I can find the right place for me and the right hours vs. being forced into a situation I have to surrender to. Being at home is definitely difficult some days, I am a creature of routine, but luckily so are kids and they will follow your lead. In the end, I am so grateful to have this time with my son.

Good luck to you!

Dear R.,
I would highly recommend at least trying to stay home - give yourself a year (or 2 or 10!!) to get used to life at home, you'll never regret time with your little guy - It is an adjustment...I worked full-time until my first one was born, then had a 6 month maternity leave and worked part-time until my 2nd child was born. I've done it all, home full-time, working part-time, and even homeschooling and working part-time. Children really do grow way too fast!! (My oldest will be 19 this month and off to out of town college next year - we're ready, but we'll miss her!)
Remember that it will take time to adjust and make sure you and your son get out often enough to keep you both happy (playgroups can be fun, parks, the mall or visits to family if their close).
Blessings,
Sue P

I understand how you feel. I really always enjoying working outside the home myself. I took a lot of pride in work and found it rewarding. I decided to stay at home with the birth of our twins. It was a little bit of a transition, but I really do love it. I did miss working so I recently launched my own business: www.swamibabyboutique.com to feel a little more connected to the working world. Maybe there is a little something you could do. Best of luck!!

Before I got pregnant and had my Son, I was working my own business and enjoyed it tons. Though when I got pregnant I knew that I was going to stay home with him as (1) day care cost were to high for me. (2) I wanted to watch him grow and see the changes. I do not regret staying home. I do miss working as I loved owning my own business and being able to work when I wanted to work, and sleep and relax when I wanted to. But I know them days will come again, and I know that I can only watch my children grow up once..

As far as having adult interaction, I get that from my friends, though I wish that I could get some more me time, and I know that there are days that I just want to get away, and I try to get that done so that I can come back ready to be a good Mom again.

Good Luck! I know that what ever you pick to choose will be the right choice for you and your children. :)

Do both! I am an Educational Consultant with Usborne Books at Home - I also work full time, but many of my fellow consultants sell books for Usborne in order to be home with their children, while still earning money and getting some adult interaction in the day! Consider joining Usborne - or another direct-sales company - so you can feel like you are still contributing to your family finances, while staying home with your little one. Check my website, www.ubah.com/g2687 for more info. Or check the website www.dsa.org for more direct selling companies. Good luck!

R.
All I can say is when your 80 and looking back you'll never wish you'd worked more.....they grow up so fast, if you have the opportunity to stay home take the opportunity and run. You have the rest of your life to work outside the home:)

I have been at home now for 4 years. I have a 4 year old and a 2 year old. I hadn't planned to stay home full time at first as I had negotiated a part time position but they still wanted the full time work completed in those hours - that didn't work for me! The first year I joined a playgroup with my son where everyone had babies under a year. It was great! I needed to connect with other moms going through similiar situations. Then we moved to another state and I had our second son. I also joined a local MOMS Club (www.momsclub.org) and later MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers). Great groups that where I can connect with other moms and my boys can connect with other kids and moms.
When my youngest was nearly one I felt I was missing something. We were consistently a little short in our monthly budget, I had very little money to spend on extra's, I had little to none "me" time. But I didn't want to work part time for part time wages or send my kids to daycare.
So I entered the home-based business world of home parties. This allowed me to work when I wanted. My husband could be with the kids when I had parties. I'm having a great time at the parties with women enjoying their ladies night out too. I sell jewelry and it is something that I love. But there are so many other options too that everyone can find something they would enjoy. It can be very lucerative too.
So for now, I'm home everyday with my children, we have no daycare expenses. Our boys have bonded more with Dad. I'm paying cash for things like museum memberships, activities, new couch and contributing to our monthly income.

So don't feel like you will be "trapped" at home. My neighbor calls me the "always on the go" mom since I rarely stay at home. We're off to lots of activities, volunteering, community service, library, etc.
And there are always options for some flexible work down the road if you are ever interested.
I wish every mom had the opportunity to stay at home if they wanted. It's a lot of work but very rewarding in moments and the long run.

At the end of your life, you will never say "Gee, I sure wish I had worked instead of staying home with my kids!" End of story. I always found a way to make some money besides. If you want to build a business AND have time for your kids, e-mail me about Heritage Makers. They have an awesome mission and are very suited to Moms wanting to work around their family lives (AND create awesome storybooks with your photos and words). My e-mail is ____@____.com. I'd love to talk to you.

T. from Minnesota

R.,
I actually did just the opposite. However, I did stay home with my son for the first two years of his life, it was hard for me, both financially and emotionally. I felt isolated, like I didnt have friends. I tried doing things with other mommmy friends but none of them lived close enough to do something with them everyday. I joined a moms group. Now I work full time and love it. I got to spend the first two years with my son, (I was the one who got to see him crawl, walk, talk first). Now, he's a busy body and loves daycare. I would give it a try, re-evaluate every 6 months and see how you are doing financially and emotionally, etc. If you love it now that its the right decision. I do feel guilty going to work every day becasue someone is with my son more than I am, but honestly I am a better mom when I work. Good luck in your decision.

I have: 1) worked FT and brought my son to work (1-7 months)
2) worked FT and had my son in daycare (7-22 months)
3) stayed home full time

You are very lucky to have a supportive husband. When it became apparent that my son was suffering in a daycare setting (we now know he has sensory processing problems) and I was ridiculously stressed out, the decision for me to stay home almost ended our marriage.

I am still adjusting to being home fulltime (2.5 years later) but I don't regret the decision for a moment. My son is growing up so fast and we have been able to do so many things together. In addition I have been better able to get to know his needs as he enters the world of school, can freely volunteer at his school, spend time visiting different schools and other things that would have been nearly impossible at my job.

The key for a smooth transition for me was to join a moms group. That way I had good connections for playdates during the week, had moms to go out with for a social life and a network of real faces to commiserate with. I started with Minnesota Moms Connection. In someways I am still adjusting such as learning how to keep the house clean (kids make a much bigger mess when they aren't in daycare...lol...and I can't afford a cleaning service anymore), finding the creative outlets I need for my sanity, etc. My biggest regret? I miss having my own paycheck but I have been able to do a little work at our family business where my son can come (very, very part time this past summer). But overall the rewards have been HUGE.

Hello R.,

It is a hard decision to make the transition but like the other moms have said it is very worth it.
I worked full-time with my first out of necessity and when there came an opportunity to try being a SAHM we gave it a try. There are a few challenges, like having to rely on someone else for the income but as the other have said there are opportunities to bring in some income while being at home.
It is a good idea to find ways to interact with other SAHM's whether thru Mom's groups, playgroups or I found a babysitting co-op which is so nice when you need to run those errand without little ones in tow. BE sure to find ways to get out as it can be isolating...volunteer, church groups, playdates. I really can remember just enjoying the conversation with the checkout ladies at the grocerystore!

Good luck in your decision. If you do try the SAHM role I don't think you will regret it. Who can care for your child better than you?

C.