Stepchildren - Saginaw,MI

Sorry , I let my daughter have photos of her dad in her room or where ever she wanted them. She just kept by her bedside. Nothing wrong with it, its her mom.

As a stepmother, I can tell you this picture would have bothered me, and my husband would have said the same thing your husband said.

From the perspective of many years of marriage, I can now tell you that I think we would have been wrong!

Your SD came from that marriage, and she needs to know that it was at least a valid and loving relationship at the time. It's possible that she's doing it to throw it in her father's face, and it's possible that she's doing it at her mother's request. Either way, she's conflicted. Leave it alone. If your marriage is secure and you are strong/confident, then this doesn't threaten you. If it threatens you and your husband, then ask yourselves why!

The strongest role model for any child is the same-gender parent. So your SD is bonded with her mother no matter what. So she is not living with her mother (for whatever reason) and that is unusual. I'm not saying it's wrong - I think my SDs would have benefited from living with their father and me. But that's not what happened, and they needed to constantly bolster their view of her and justify her actions (many of which were bizarre). So your SD may need to have extra reassurance that her mother has value or is reputable in some ways.

So it could be in-your-face, or it could be innocent. Either way, you cannot get into a battle of wills with her. Ignore it. Figure out why it really bothers you so much to see that picture. Kids are going to defy or challenge their parents in many ways - choose your battles. You don't have to go to every fight you are invited to.

Take the high road. Show your SD that you are so completely secure in your marriage to her father that nothing threatens it. Don't discuss it, just be strong and happy. Let her know she is loved by ALL her parents.

This is really about the bio mom making it clear (however she does that - thru talking to her daughter, your husband or others) that she wants him back. The picture of them together is part of the past. In important part of the past, but a past that no one is going back to.

Move on. Teach your SD and your own daughter to be strong women and not to be threatened by other women or anyone else!

You will be glad you did this.

I am a step mother too and you (and your husband) need to accept that he had a life before you and she is a part of that. My MIL and I have put pictures together for my step children and I would not be offended at all if one of them had the pictures out. My husband was going to throw them in the trash and I asked him not to. His children have the right to keep them and cherish their memories of that part of their life.

If it is bothering you then maybe you are feeling a little threatened by her. I can understand you both not wanting to see that picture but those are her parents and she should be able to keep it out in her room.

I don't think it is fair to have her deny her past life with both of her parents together or to have her father do it as well. This is a part of marrying a man that has been divorced.

Despite the fact that her parents are divorced, they are BOTH still her parents.....

Let her have the picture....... she still treasures the memories of when they WERE a family, no matter how/why they split up.

I totally get that you don't want a picture of your husband with his ex hanging in your house. I do.

HOWEVER... I think it's important to remember that how we view our parents plays a huge role in how we learn to identify ourselves. This little girl knows YOU love her. She knows that your household is her family. Still... she CAME from that partnership. She needs to be allowed to acknowledge it. She needs to be confident that no one thinks that marriage was a "mistake" (even if they wouldn't do it again).

I think this is one of those times where we need to put the needs of our children above our own needs and do what is healthiest for her.

I know you don't feel comfortable with this picture, but you KNOW your marriage is secure and don't need to worry. Your stepdaughter is looking for the same level of security about the relationship that created her. So to answer your question... No, you're not wrong for not WANTING the picture up, but you ARE wrong for not understanding that your stepdaughter wants it.

HTH
T.

I am a stepmom. I would let the picture stay up. I have actually tried to find pictures of my husband with his ex to share with our daughter. I want her to know her history and I want her to know that although it ended, she came from something that once was very special. I did find a few of them and put them in a photo album for her and she loved it.

I am a step-parent to three wonderful children (SS- 23, SD-21, SS-18).

Being a step-parent often calls us to be selfless, bigger than we ever thought we could be, more gracious, more patient, more understanding.

During the years of raising my step-children, I often tried to see things from their perspective, how the divorce affected them, how they were trying to make sense of what happened to their original family and then adapt to two new families, and then adjust to a new sibling when we had a baby.

That's a lot for children to cope with---even in the best of circumstances where the divorced parents get along. Children have little choice when it comes to parent divorces, subsequent relationships, and remarriages. Yet, they have to adapt and cope.

My SD liked to have pictures around her room of her mom and dad. She was quite young when they divorced, and those photos she had were precious to her. Her parent's divorce did not negate those memories, did not render those pieces of her life meaningless. What right would I have to try to force those memories into hiding?

She even had a picture of a woman my husband had a relationship with long before I met him. My SD had grown close to this woman, and it was hurtful and confusing to her when the relationship ended because she liked this woman. But unlike her mother, who, of course always remained in her life, this woman was just gone when the relationship ended. I think keeping pictures of this woman helped my SD to deal with her feelings of loss.
That picture was displayed in a collage in her room, and after a while, I didn't even "see" it. In the grand scheme of our full and busy life, a picture was not of any consequence to me. BUT, it was meaningful to my SD. And it stayed.

I know it's not always easy, but please try to put yourself in your SD's place and know that she needs to have this memory of her parents, this connection to her past and to the origins of her being. Let the picture be, and soon, I can assure you, you won't even "see" it. AND, you will be so much more at peace with all of this.

To this day, I am thankful that we worked hard to build our family. It wasn't always easy. It involved sacrifices, but that's what parents do. There is nothing more precious than when I get a hug and "love you" from ALL of my children.

I wish you and your family all the best.

J. F.

No you are not wrong to feel the way you do and neither is your husband. Unless you are a stepmother, you should not answer this question. I have two step daughters Now grown (thank heaven). If the mother or ex was deceased, that would be a different story and only in her space (or room), but when it comes to divorced parents, and being that you know how is ex wife still feels about your husband, makes it ugly. Some of these ex spouses will encourge their child to do things like this to upset you. First the fact is yes, that is her mom and dad and you will always be the other person, and this is a rough age. What i did to show them I cared, was I gave them photo albums (scrap books are good too). I started a few pages for them, with pictures of their mom and dad together and of just their mom and them as a family and so forth. This gives her any lack of closeness that she may need or is missing and it is her very own she can keep in her room, yet it is closed off to you (meaning) you dont have to see it or deal with it. She can keep it in her drawer or in a litle crate you can make for her, with stuff she can collect or add to her photo album or scrap book. Encourge her to keep up with it. Even get her a new purse with a wallet, where she can keep the pictures in it. again out of sight to you, but still giving her what she wants. When my step children got older, I made them both, small photo albums of them as babies through their current again, with pictures that included their mother and father, not adding any that inclued myself. They both loved them so much. My husband cant not stand his ex wife now of over 20 years to this day. She had all those years lied to the kids and never knew the truth of their divorce. As they got older he sat them down and told them the trurth and were glad he did, he made me part of this talk, they had a lot of questions and were happy they had the talk. The past is like a page in a book, we turn the chapters in our lives, but if we forget what we read, how good is the book. It is good for her to hold her memories, but she does not need to put it in your face, it is not your book. But it is okay to help her deal with hers. Just a suggestion, by someone who went through this...

I am not reading the other messages before I answer this. Yes you are wrong. Regardless of whether they are together or not now they are in fact the parents of this child. Does your biological child have photo's of you and your hubby to look at daily? in the living spaces in the family room? this little girl is lucky to have you as a parent but she needs a photo of her mom no matter how much you or you ex dislike her. That is in fact "her" mom and dad. So I think your wrong. And I think it is disrespectful of your husband to try to pretend the ex doesn't exist in this little girls world. her room is her room. I can understand him not wanting it up on the wall in the living spaces but her room should be her right to have a photo.

My 13 yr old niece has a family picture in her room with her parents. She'd never want them to get back together, and it would never happen anyway. However, she likes having the picture of when they were all one family. For my niece i think it also is a reminder of when time was just "time", not "mom's time" or "dad's time" or reminds her of when "home" was just "home," not "mom's house" or "dad's house." It isn't about my brother or about her mom; it's just a comfort to my niece.

Since the picture is in your stepdaughter's room and space, I think I'd let her keep it there with no comments at all. It's serving some type of purpose to her. If it's comforting to her, let it comfort her. If it is meant to grab attention, ignoring it will be the most effective way to handle it.

If the picture bothers you that much then it's your problem not hers. By forbiding her from having it in her room you are implying there is something wrong with where she came from.
You are the adult, you know the details of their relationship and the current status, she does not. To her it's a picture of her family, don't deny her that because you feel insecure.

AFTER READING YOUR SO WHAT HAPPENED:

Clearly, you don't get, it's about the kid, and not all about YOU! A child should be able to possess a photo of their mother and their father, if such a photo exists. If you don't want one of your parents or your husband doesn't want one of his parents, that's OK too. Don't make a kid pay for your feelings about YOUR past.

A child has the right to put up a photo of their parents. It's not on the living room mantle, its in her room. Having her parents photo is a found memory for HER and is not disrespectful to her dad. If you don't feel threatened by the child, your husband's former wife, or the photo (which you mention twice), then let it be. .

Diane B. and Jackie P. hit it. I, too, am a stepmother and do not like to see pictures of my husband with his ex. That's because I know some of the adult history. His son shouldn't have to think along those lines. These two people are where he came from, and in order for him to be healthy and productive, he needs to feel like he came from something good. SS doesn't even live with us, but his space still has to be comfortable for him (within the "house rules" parameters, of course--no food or TV). Now, if he wanted to hang his mother's picture over the fireplace, that would be a problem.

Your husband is her father and his ex is her mother. She should be able to have the photo in her room. Next time you see the photo, tell her how handsome her father looks. She is pushing her mother's agenda. If she sees that the photo isn't working, it will disappear. However, if she wants it in the familyroom, then I would have a problem.

I think her room is her space and she should be allowed to have this picture. I think she should be allowed to have her space be her space. I don't think it matters if she shares it with someone else or not.

By denying her this picture you are only making it more precious to her.

Sorry I don't agree with you but it does come down to yours and dads decision.

I had pictures from my wedding of me and my daughters dad in their photo album. He was with the woman he is still with after nearly 30 years and I have been married to hubby for over 20 yrs. My adult daughter still has some of those pictures and enjoys looking at them. It is in no way her wishing we were together but more of a looking back in time kind of thing. She enjoys seeing her mom and dad at their wedding and when I was pregnant with her, when she was little, etc..... There are even pictures that both of us are in even up to this past Christmas.

We are family through our daughter and we always will be. It does me no harm for her to have pictures of us when we were together just as it does mom no harm to see pictures of me and hubby together.

I don't think it really matters what you do or do not want to look at. That is her mom and she probably misses her, she probably misses them being together. All you are doing is making her hate you.

Let it go because regardless of what you say it makes you look insecure.

Looking at your what happened, why the heck does it matter if the person who answers is a step? My kids choose not to have pictures of their dad at my house but if they did, I wouldn't have a problem with it and I know Troy wouldn't. His only wish would be the actual man would stop "dropping by" so much.

I tell you what I tell my 5 year old when her 2 1/2 brother is bothering her: IGNORE IT.

You are a grown woman in a happy relationship. That picture is no threat to you. Perhaps it is comforting to your step-daughter, perhaps its a dig at you, perhaps she's trying to provoke you. Who cares? She is 10.

Frankly, if you don't resist it, she'll probably take it down.

Ignore it. You'll have bigger fish to fry soon enough.

I'm not a stepmother, but I'm from divorced parents and have had a step mother since I was 4. I love her like she is my real mother.

I think my mom would have taken the picture and had a conversation with me about it - your step daughter is clearly wishing her parents would get back together (like most kids her age from divorced families), which is clearly not going to happen, and made worse by her mother giving her false hope.

Your step daughter is old enough at 10 to be able to have a general conversation about this. Maybe take the picture, sit with her on the bed (just the two of you) and let her know you know how hard it is when two people start out in marriage hoping for the best and starting a beautiful family, and it doesn't work out how they planned. But her mom loves her, you love her and her father loves her. She will want to know why it ended and that is something her bio mother and father need to discuss with her. Then put the picture back where you found it. It's her decision to take it down.

I'm just saying, try to understand WHY she has the picture up and talk about it, instead of seeing it only from your perspective as not wanting to look at it. The fact is, they were married and they are her parents, as are you.

I'm a step mother and I would have no problem with my stepson having a picture of his mom and dad together, it is a part of his history. I would encourage my husband to let him keep the picture up but if that conversation caused my hubby too much stress and angst, I would suggest getting a scrap book or photo album to keep the photo in. This would give the child a sense of pride and honor in the keeping of the photo while keeping the photo out of his sight.

How the ex feels about hubby is not important he has made his position very clear. So why worry about a picture that is a part of your stepdaughter's history.

On the other side of the coin, the first picture of my son, his father and I was just taken this week. My son is 17 years old and was going to his prom. My husband took the picture to honor my son and his history. Again it really doesn't matter about the ex. It is all about what is best for the kids.

How old is your stepdaughter, and how recent was the split between her parents?

Although it does seem disrespectful, and you are not wrong to feel that way. However, I can tell you that it is very normal for a child to want to remember and hold onto when their parents were together. It is their only way to feel like they have some control, because everything else is out of their control. My mother allowed me to have a picture of my father and her together with me when I was little in my room. I was 6 when they divorced, and it was very tough on me. It is a picture of her parents, and while they aren't together anymore, they are still HER parents. Their needs to be a way for her feelings to be validated instead of punished.

Added- 10 years old is still very young, and she is starting to go through many changes. Learn to pick your battles. It's one picture.

I am also a step mom and we have custody of my SD. I totally understand how you feel, but if I were you, I would let this go. I think that if you don't make a big deal out of it, this will blow over. It's just a picture from the past - the truth of those relationships is what you live everyday. If your husband wants to address this as a matter of defiance, that's one thing, but I would let this be a talking point for them. I would encourage him to sit down with her and tease out what she's feeling. Where did she get the photo, why is it important to her to display it now, in this house, what does it mean to her, does she really understand that that chapter is over , etc. And then, approach the idea of a photo album as suggested below. If she's open to that, great. But if this is something that she really needs to hold on to now, let her have it in her room for now. With the passage of time, it will probably be less of a big deal and she'll be ready to put it away.

I was divorced about 14 years ago, my daughter is 18. I'm sitting at the second desk in my home office and we have a picture of the three of us on Halloween from about 12 years ago on the desk. Love it, we are still her parents. My daughter always had pictures of all of us at his house as well.

This falls under the category of Dad's job. Let him handle it. But I think you should encourage Dad to let her keep the picture up. Yes it's "tainted" since mom has declared feelings for Dad. And there may be some suspicion that mom is behind this. Don't make his daughter a pawn in those games. It's a picture. It's part of her history. It may be part of her fantasy. Either way if the kid wants pictures of her parents together, it should be allowed. I had pictures of me with my parents at both houses. And my step mother never cared for my mother one bit. She tried to hide her feelings, but it was easy to see she didn't like my mother. At our house I had pics up of me with my dad and step mom- my mother never once suggested it come down.

By the time I graduated High School my parents had been divorced almost 10 years...they still posed together with me for pictures without their spouses. Same thing at my wedding. Whether your hubby likes it or not he is forever connected to his ex. You both really need to get over it and let her have her picture up. All this will result in is resentment and acting out.

Let her keep the picture and let your kids have pictures of their father too. Like it or not those are her parents and her family picture.

Its good that your husband has made it clear his feelings about getting back together with his ex.

About the picture.. my 11yr old son has my and my ex's wedding pic in his room and two family pics of when we were together. I asked my husband about it as I didn't want to offend him by this. He said he didn't care if they were hanging in his room, that is apart of his life that was there and will always be there before he was in the picture.

My son doesn't remember us being married or getting divorced or his dad getting remarried or me getting remarried. He was 6 when I got remarried and he was in the wedding. Its not that he is wishing he could go back to those days, he just likes looking at them and he said its a reminder that he came from love. He has pictures of his dad holding him and different pictures of the kids and his dad in his room. Its not like his room is covered in "old" pics.. he has 3 different ones hanging up and a couple little ones here and there. All of my kids have their own photo album of them with pics from when me and their dad was together in their bedroom. It doesn't bother my husband at all.

Here are my feelings on the matter. Your step-daughter has been through enough unhappiness with the divorce and having a new step family, etc. The divorce and remarriage has changed her life in big ways. She should not be forced to conform to your feelings of discomfort. She is only 10 and is entitled to her feelings and wishes. You are the adult and you need to get over the fact that this is uncomfortable for you. What about her feelings? What about the major adjustments she has had to make? This is a small concession on your part.

Even though I am now 30, I still clearly remember the feelings I had when I was a kid at age 9 or 10 regarding my parents divorce. I know I had pictures of my parents together, although I did not display them where everyone could see them. Even though I knew they would never get back together, they were MY parents, and in some way, I needed to look back at the picture to help me get through the rough patches. Hard to explain now that I am trying to do so.

Leave the picture.

Personally, I would just let her father handle this. You did not mention her age, but at some point, their bedroom becomes their space and they should be able to have in it whatever they want, within reason. I think a lot of kids still hold onto the fantasy that their divorced parents will get back together and they will be one whole happy family again. And who knows what her mother is telling her or filling her head with. If there is no chance of them getting back together again, why feel threatened by a picture that she wants in her room?

ETA: If you wanted comments from stepparents only, then I want to clarify that I am a stepmom to 2 wonderful boys, whose parents divorced when they were very young. It might bother me a little if they kept a picture of them together in their room in our house, but it is still their room and those are their parents. I wouldn't say anything or expect them to remove it or not display it. It's not a hill I wish to die on.

I'm a stepmom and while I understand your feelings, I think the picture is okay unless your husband and his ex are kissing or something.

My SD had some pictures up of that nature for a while, and eventually they disappeared to be replaced with more current pictures. One was replaced by a picture of a cat cut out of a magazine! My SD is 10.

I would suggest you take some great pictures of your SD and your husband or your SD and the whole family and get them printed for her. DON'T suggest she change out the picture of her mom and dad, but you might be surprised that she will do it on her own! 10 year olds are very fickle.

If it bothers you, don't look at it. If it bothers your husband, let him handle it.

I understand your feelings, believe me. But eventually your SD will take the picture down on her own. I'd just ignore it. There are much bigger things to worry about in a mixed family!

You and your hubby pay the house note--not the step daughter nor her momma. Don't say anything about the pic--after two months the pic will somehow get legs and find itself in the dumpster-- :)

I can understand that your stepdaughter should have listened to what her father said and I can understand not wanting the picture of just the two of them up. I believe that it is only fair to your stepdaughter to be able to hand whatever pictures she wants in her room, just as your daughter can too (since they share a room). I would say to pick your battles...picture won't be hung elsewhere but her bedroom should be her refuge. I do think it is possible she is hanging it to show what she wishes would happen (it's natural for a kid to want their parents together...wouldn't that make their life easier and be ideal?...can't blame them really).

Maybe dad should have another serious talk with his little sweetie. "It's fine to have as many photos of mom up, but not one of mom and me together. You have to understand that mom and I are not going to reconcile. I'm sorry you are having a difficult time with that fact. But it is not healthy for you to think a picture will make it happen. And it's not kind or fair to Happymom to have to see it whenever she goes in your room. Either take it down or I will take it away."