Staying Married...

Watch how a son treats his mother, a crisis, children and rude strangers .. that will give you a real glimpse of signs to come, if you marry.

just celebrated our 29th anniv yesterday. & YES, sacrifice is a part of marriage. So is thankfulness, thanklessness. As is give/take & many other descriptors.

Marriage can fullfil you & it can suck you dry.....all at the same time. & please do not be depressed at my words.....what I am saying is that: marriage is LIFE. & hopefully your life can be all that you choose for it to be.

& that's the starting point: you cannot let your parents be your guidelines, your mentors. They've bombed.....you don't have to. We no longer live in a "Leave it to Beaver" world. We usually have to fight for everything we have, everything we want to keep. BUT that does not mean that you have to fight your husband.....it means that you have to fight from letting life's stupid stuff keep you from achieving happiness.

I totally agree with the poster who said that you need to seek counseling for yourself......or flip it the other way - & forget counseling all together! Maybe you are hung-up on counseling.....because, in the end, you are the ONLY one who can make your world right.

& just as some background info, my parents divorced when I was 23. I sincerely wish that they'd had the guts to do it earlier.....a lot of arguing & heartache could have been avoided! My father remarried 10 yrs ago, died last year. I had counseled him that he was headed for another divorce.... because he never, ever changed his ways. It was his 2nd & her 3rd marriage.....& they were on self-destruct. Hard for all of us to watch, even harder to bear now that he's gone......I wish that he'd died happy- instead of stuck in the same rut, same arguments, same insecurities. Peace!

We have been together 25 yrs, married 22 on New Years Eve 2010.

We each come from broken homes. I declared that I would NOT EVER do that to my children if I were so blessed to have any. A child of divorce lives with divorce the rest of their lives. The parent's go on to bigger, better, or worse relationships. Children are always torn.

My mom is on 3rd marriage, my dad divorced from 2nd wife. Husband's parents are dead, I never met his mother.

It takes a LOT of committment, patience, COMMUNICATION. We are very open minded and no topic of off limits with conversation. We make date night a priority, yes, priority..... We've rarely missed one even since daughter was born. We had no family around, we found and hired great sitters so we could still have the quality couple time.

YES, there are times everyone wants to throw in the towel....that's normal. You perservere and work through issues.

By working thorough issues, you are teaching your children by modeling, how a relationship works through the ups and downs. You don't let your children quit something because it is hard do you?

Marriage is hard, it is work and it is rewarding. I agree to get counseling for yourself to get to the root of your issues.

Best wishes.

EDIT: I had to edit after reading Toni V's response. I agree that many people might stay in a marriage for the reasons she listed, HOWEVER, I don't feel like that is a majority. In my case, we committed for the long run because we are willing to make the sacrifices and work to have a successful marriage and family. We have no regrets.

I am going to tell you this - my parents are divorced & my dad is on his 3rd marriage and 4th serious relationship (he was engaged once but they called it) Anyway I think what needs to be done is for YOU to get counseling alone and get to the root of your own issues. That way you know how to work through things without giving it up immediately. I say this b/c I have been there and done that (almost) I think you need to focus on yourself. No matter what age you were when your parents marriage(s) fail it will have an impact on you personally.

My Mom divorced when I was 2 and my sister was 6 months and she raised us on her own. She'd been married 7 yrs. She didn't date much, because raising us and working and getting her Masters degree pretty much took up all her time. So my sister and I had no 'marriage' patterns to follow. My husbands parents had been married 30 years and then divorced when my husband left for collage. It was the nastiest, most bitter dragged out divorce you ever came across, but they should have split years before. They definitely brought out the worst in each other.
I just celebrated 21st anniversary with my husband last Aug, and my sister just had her 16th anniversary.
My husband and I are very happy. We are a team and we face everything together. There's never been a question of not being together. I'd never want to be without him or be with anyone else. We bring out the best in each other.
Although other peoples marriages can be inspiring, your marriage is about you and your husband, how you interact and grow together and it's unique. I never feel like I'm someone else or gave up anything because I'm married. I never feel bullied, but I'm not afraid to say no, and neither is my husband. We are considerate and kind to each other. He brings me flowers sometimes for no particular reason. I'll bake him his favorite cookies (but not too often or it would spoil his diet). We both have our careers and we both do a great job of spoiling our son.
Some counseling to work through your issues is a great idea.

Ok. I may not have been married for a really long time. But hope you don't mind me putting my 2 cents in.

I know that a lot of older people stayed married because divorce was a big no no, religious reasons, or they just didn't have anywhere else to go. That's what I've noticed. Many stay married for convienence (sp?).

I've been married twice. The first was a disaster. Long story short, he became someone that I never knew as soon as we got married. He's the one that changed and wanted to change me.

This time around, we were great friends before anything else. We work together at work and we work together at home. We talk. A lot. If something is bothering one of us, we don't shout about it, we let it be known and if we're ready to discuss it at that moment, we do. If we're not ready to discuss it at that moment, we say so and go about our business until ready to talk. We don't go to bed angry. We have our discussion before going to bed. Sometimes that means not getting to sleep until 3am, but we still don't go to bed angry. We notice the things each other do on a daily basis. I know he takes out the garbage, mows the lawn (shovels snow in winter), takes care of the yard in all ways, does home repairs (sometimes I get in on that too)... There's a lot of things I know he does and I say thank you and let him know that I appreciate everything whether big or small. He does the same for me. He recognizes when I need a break from the kids and takes over so I can get away for a bit. He'll tell me, "Honey, you haven't done anything for yourself in a long time... Make an appointment to get a facial or something." We're not out to change each other. I don't ask him to change. Why would I expect him to change now? He doesn't ask me to change anything either... He accepts me for who I am and I accept him for who he is. We love each other just the way we are.

But I think that the things that make for a great, long lasting marriage, is...

1) Don't try to change one another.
2) Communicate communicate communicate... Not yelling.
3) Accept that they'll get mad at you and you at them, but understand that calmly disscussing it and not going to bed angry is what will help.
4) Recognizing even the little things they contribute.
5) Compromise and sometimes you must make small sacrifices.
6) Pick your battles. Most fights are over insignificant things.
7) Don't bring up what happened last week, last month, last year... That made you angry. Bringing up the past doesn't change the present. Living for today and tomorrow is what matters.

That's basically all I can think of right now.

I hope that helps.

I've only been married 10 years, but here is something someone told me that has helped me. If you feel like things aren't working and you want out, wait 6 months before you say or do anything.

For my hubby and I, we both promise to be there for each other, and when things get rough (as they do), we just keep on talking. We are both very stubborn, so we do get cross with each other frequently. But we also try really hard to be respectful and to treat each other as we would like to be treated. I have no doubt that we will be together for the rest of our lives. We made that promise, and we made the promise to keep making that promise till we die.

No God in our lives. We are atheists.

All I can say is that whether or not the church's teachings appeal to you, when you got married you made a vow to God (not just to your husband) to stay married through good times and bad, in sickness and health, for better or for worse, til death do you part.

I'm in a very similar situation, I'm totally not "well-matched" to my husband (mainly because I've become such a different person since we met and perhaps he hasn't "grown" as much... lol) but you know what, I'm sticking it out because I'm going to always fight for my family and the statistics on divorce's impact on kids are overwhelming to me. And I'm also going to stick it out because I vowed to God that I would stay faithful to that man for the rest of my life. It's not about submitting to my husband, it's about submitting to God. He has a plan for your marriage and your family!

I could go on and on about that but I won't bore you (message me if you want more similar encouragement). My biggest (non-religious) advice though is to be happy with yourself. Enjoy your life and if your husband wants to join the fun times you plan, let him, if not, go on and be happy on your own (but while still being a faithful wife of course).

Good luck and many blessings to you. I've been there, I am there every other day, like "who is this person I married?!?" but I've decided to look for happiness within myself instead of through my husband and it's made all the difference!

Here's my two cents:

"I have suggested to him on at least three occasions - very calmly - that perhaps we are not well-matched." - this type of comment erodes a man's security and can make him withdraw emotionally from you. Everything in marriage or in life starts as a thought in your mind. If you keep thinking and saying you are not well matched, then that is asking for problems.

"We have been to four different marriage counselors. The most recent one for over a year on and off.
I have been married once before this for eleven years." There are a lot of bad marriage counselors.

"I know a whole bunch of people will suggest going to church. I understand church supports marriage. I reject a lot of what is taught regarding letting my husband take charge and lead in this relationship. I absolutely do not feel he is mature enough to make decisions for us as a couple. I have tried it and he just walks all over me and disregards my feelings to get what he wants. It has always been my desire to be equal partners. So I have had to really speak up for myself and not be bullied (he'll force a new family pet on me - for example) - and this causes problems."

From this paragraph, I get that you do not trust your husband to be mature enough to make decisions, and that you view him as a threat to your independence. Your husband will only react negatively to this attitude about him. A spouse's job is to believe in the potential and ability of their partner, even if they fail at something. If you do not think and act he is capable of these things, then he won't be. If you think of his assertions or him trying to make decisions as being "bullied," then every time he wants to make a decision that you don't like, you will view and treat him as a bully. Stop thinking of him as a bully and he won't act like one.

I suggest you google "The Law of Attraction" and read about it. It really works.

And I would add advice from an old happily married couple I knew, that were very religious. Neither one messed with the other. They each had their own areas that they were in charge of that they could do how they liked. They didn't try and do everything as a team as far as agreeing and discussing everything. So the wife is in charge of the house? She does the house how she wants and if he wants to make a comment - fine, but it is all her baby. So the man is in charge of the yard? He does it when he wants, how he wants, etc without her nagging or trying to make him do. It sure has worked in my marriage, too.

#1 rule - if you truly want to stay married for life then you banish the D word from your vocabulary. No matter how calmly you tell your husband you don't think you are well matched he is going to view it as a threat. From his perspective he is just waiting for the other shoe to drop, for you to bail. If you are serious about a lasting marriage you need to go back to the counselor, together, and apologize to him for threatening divorce. Then tell him you are 110% committed to making your marriage work and that, for you, divorce is not an option. That levels the playing field for you to work together to overcome your trust issues.

FYI - you are misreading the biblical instruction to submit to your husband. It doesn't mean to blindly follow, it means to put your husband first and respect him. Here's the important part you missed - in the next sentence husbands are told to love their wives as Christ loved the church. Well, Christ died for the church, so that's a pretty heavy requirement for husbands. What the two passages boil down to is mutual respect. Put your partner's needs first and yours second - if you both do this then it is a win-win, you are each always looking out for the other.

ETA - we've been married for 10 years and are looking forward to many more. We've moved together multiple times, had financial problems, drug addiction, serious medical issues, and a huge betrayal of trust right after we got married. Am I glad we stayed together? You betcha, hanging in here is the best decision I ever made. Do I have to sacrifice a part of myself? No, I GIVE a part of myself and the hole that is left is filled with the part of himself he gives to me. Am I really happy? Yes, I am.

AFTER READING SOME OF THE OTHER INPUT: Some scary advice from a one year commitment....I would say let's talk in 5 - 10 years.

S.,
Forget about what happened with yours and his and concentrate on what is real about the history between you and your husband.

Many of the 20 - 30 40 + year relationships stick together purely out of neither party wanting to give up the social status or material things (house,cars,bank accounts) collected over the years. Their lives are loveless resulting in extramarital affairs (even within their own peer group), over indulgence in every area, and endless despair for everyone evolved.

Dealing with a “new” family pet my dear is the least of your worries. In fact that new pet might very well become your “new best friend”.

If you have some questions for your man, deal with it and ask him now. Make him honest and accountable..you do the same. Save yourself some heartache now rather than later.

Blessings……

I can see how hard it is to be married and having no idea what marriage means...not your fault obviously. I was married to a man who had (has) no idea whatsoever what marriage means because he had a terrible example in his family (among other issues related to his childhood). On the contrary, I have had wonderful examples of long marriages in my family. We are italian and family is absolutely the priority over anything else. Having a priority that is beyond yourself is the guiding light that leads you out of the tunnel(s) that life will present to you. Some people call it COMMITMENT. So here you have one of the real roots of a good marriage. But commitment is not the first one:before making a commitment to each other, a couple must share HONESTY and INTIMACY. What are these? Present yourself as you are to your partner, do not try to represent yourself for what you think he wants you to be...be honest to yourself and to him. It doesn't mean you have to be insensitive to his needs in order to assert yourself...on the contrary, "coming with a user manual" will help him understand you and will build an open communication.It will help you to better choose each other. As for intimacy, that's a hard one. It's the ability to share the deep desires and fears that come with living. It's the ability to let him in. And it's hard because it can be done when you have no fear of being hurt, when you are completely trustful of your significant one. Most of us have been hurt in life and it's only natural to have a protective film around ourselves...much more if you've been hurt during childhood, that skin gets real tough. When you have honesty, intimacy and commitment, you have a good chance your marriage will work. I am purposely not mentioning respect because that must be a given and comes with LOVE. A spouse stepping all over you is not loving you, and that's a different story. So I hope you and your spouse have a good "base" and trust each other so much to be 100%sure that you will not purposely hurt each other...I hope you'll go into life saying "I'm sorry" to each other the less possible...I wish you to never hurt each other and look at life as a long trail to be walked together with your hands locked.

I'm not sure which religions you have checked into. Most of them do not stress that the man is in charge and that you must obey him. First off, you have to find a way to stop trying to bail out of the marriage everytime you fight. Married people fight, that is part of life!!! What makes a good marriage is learning how to fight. That is going to be up to you two to figure out what works for you. My hubby and I usually have about a day that we do not discuss whatever we are fighting about, then we talk about it later so we are not so angry.My husband and I have been married for 10 years and we have been together for 15 years. The hardest time we had was when our only child turned 6 months. We were both working full time and still lacking a lot of sleep...it was a very stressful time.

I celebrated my 18th anniversery on Sunday. My mother was married 4 times, and my grandparents passed away when I was little. I stopped talking to my father when I was 9.

As far as being "well-matched", most couples are "well matched" when they get together but over time you grow and change. Your interest change, your careers change, children bring a whole new change in the dynamics of the household. The trick is growing together. Finding things and interest that you both can share. That doesn't mean he has to give up poker night with the guys, or you have to give up shopping and lunch with the girls. That means you both have to find something you enjoy and can do together.

Marraige is not easy. It's a very bumpy road. It requires a lot of compromise. No, I've never sacrificed a part of myself, but I have given a part of myself to my husband, to my children and to the betterment of our family. Yes, I do speak up, but not because I'm being bullied, but because I have something to say, because I have strong feelings or needs that I want to express. Communication is key. You mentioned the family pet. In our marraige, we would discuss why we should have one, and all the advantages, then we would discuss the disadvantages and the problems that could arrise (vet bills, who would take care of it when we went on vacation, etc), then make a decission togehter on what was best for the family.

In our day to day lives, we focus on our strengths and what works best for not just one individual, but for the whole family. For example, hubby is more of a morning type person, so he gets up first and makes breakfast, packs lunches and then gets the rest of us up. One of my strenghs is finances so I take care of paying the bills and budgeting. We have certain "chores" that we each do, for example, I do laundry, he mows the lawn. But we help each other, he'll help hang up the wet clothes, I'll move the lawn furniture. Sometimes I might have to pitch in and mow it myself, and sometimes he has to go a load of laundry. It's about being flexible.

Also, for us we both truly beleive with our hearts and souls in our vows of "to death do us part". So when we fight or argue it comes down to how are we going to fix the problem, because there is no other option.

Am I happy, yes at least 80% of time. Is it worth it, absolutely.

Hello. Your post is the reason I signed up. Marriage is the hardest thing I have ever done.
My first marriage lasted nine years. It was something I did to get financial stability and because I was suffering in an abusive home. I got an education then stayed because of responsibility. I finally got a divorce and married someone of my choosing.
It has been hard, even though he is the least annoying man I have ever known. I have suffered with depression and can not take antidepressants because of other medical issues. I really LIKED my husband and we have a lot in common. I had to remind myself of that.
For the past two years we have endured life. One battle after another.
We don't drink, smoke, waste money(except on eating out), or do anything "bad" except overeat.
We have been in couseling with two different counselors, primarily because I truly can not stand his family and have a long list of legitimate reasons why. We also went to one because I felt he was not really listening to me.
I felt like he was blaming me for my feelings and problems.
I had no role model for marriage. I sometimes think if we didn't have kids, I would have bailed. Then I think about what it would be like without him.
I am a realist and very practical person. The thought of dating and starting all over is repulsive to me. Plus, I don't want to go back to trying to make the gas last till payday and dropping by people's homes at dinner in hopes of getting a free meal because I am out of almost all food.
I don't want to have to not see my child on weekends and holidays. Plus, I don't really want to lose him. I just want to lose the problems, the pain, and the frustration.
It took me several conversations to get through to him that I was miserable and did NOT want a divorce but felt like it was heading that way. We have to listen to the other, not yell, and compromise. (Personally I struggle with that because when I dated, it was my way or no way. Being pretty and popular back then, guys boys caved. My husband does not play that game.)

I am looking for a counselor who is well trained and experienced. I am going to go for myself because when things are calm, good, and peaceful all these old issues from my abusive childhood and past creep up in my mind. I want to be joyful and live life to the fullest, not all depressed.
The scariest thought came to me last month. In some ways my marriages have the same problems. I want to bail beause it was so much easier with certain exboyfriends, the ones who gave in to me.

I really struggle in church because the church counselor/pastor coerced me into marrying my first husband. I felt they didn't want to provide help with me getting on my feet. I had scholarships to cover tuition, but not housing. It was a rich TV church that could have rented me a $200 month sleeping room. I walked or rode the bus everywhere. I just needed help and was a hard worker. I have to FORCE myself to go to church and am very porcupinish/defensive when there because of that bad experience.

Keep trying. I know I get sick and tired of having such a hard life(especially when certain people have it easy). I have to remind myself that focusing on that makes me feel worse.
Life is not fair. I don't know why some of us get no breaks and others coast on through.

:0)I wish you peace.

Humm. . . not sure where to begin. Except "B" could have written my response.

I'm a product of divorce, but my husband and I will celebrate our 22nd anniversary on the 21st of this month. And been together 24 years! So I mean no offense, but just because you didn't have a role model isn't an excuse. I completely agree with a couple of other posters, that YOU need to focus on YOUR marriage and not look at others.

My husband and I are best friends and face everything together as a team. No it hasn't always been easy, but we worked though it together. And as someone else said, it's not always "equal". I think what made a difference for us is that we have always put each other first. Of course the kids were loved and cared for, but we made time for each other. We had regular date nights. Nothing fancy, maybe just getting a burger and sitting and talking without kid interruption. And we talk to each other about everything! I'm a nurse and he's a computer geek. I have no clue what he's talking about when he tells me about his day, nor does he mine. But I listen, pay attention and can ask questions that make sense.

As far as sacrifice. . . I don't see anything we do as a sacrifice. If you love someone enough, you make decisions for the best of the team/family. I would sacrifice my life for my kids, but my husband and I make mutually agreed upon decisions. We both finished our college degrees after marriage and kids! I guess you could say that each of us 'sacrificed' during that time, but we talked about it ahead of time. Understood it would be difficult, but we were bound and determined to do it. When he wanted out of corporate america our income was cut in 1/2. Again, I guess it was a sacrifice, but I wanted him here with me and less money than dead! It was a decision based on what was best for the family.

I love my husband! And since our kids are older and almost out of the house, we are both looking forward to just spending time together. He can make a trip to Home Depot an adventure! So yes, it is worth it for me.

Good Luck

Dear S.,

I have been married for 13 years. I got married at 35. Being married is not just a "happy ending", it is a bumpy and hard but beautiful and rewarding start of a journey between 2 DIFFERENT people who love and respect each other.
Marriages have phases in every sense; people change, women and men change for different reasons and so the circumstances and the experiences in daily life, that is why so important be married because you LOVE someone and not because you feel alone or you are too old.
Nobody is perfect and that is an important thought to carry with you to the marriage. Marriages is not the sweet and beautiful wedding, is real life where 2 people are actually willing to spend every second of their lives together either in bad moments or good moments. Marriage is staying together in spite of differences and difficulties with respect and love. There are lots of differences like how to raise the children, how finances are going to be managed, etc. There are so many things to make decisions on and understand each other to get the best possible answer for everything.
Both, wife and husband have to give up sometimes and sacrifice a lit bit of his/her taste, preference, common sense, time, money, etc.....There will be moments where you actually argue or fight and have a sour moment, but that doesn't necessarily mean you have to think of divorce or the worst. It is right there when one of you have to take a deep breath and calm down and wait, and then talk sincerely and nicely.
I did not get married to find someone to fight, I married someone because I was deeply in love and because I love my husband.
All these nice words do not mean that we don't argue, We do! But is just part of the marriage, we are different but we put lots of efforts in remembering that we are human and make mistakes and there are ways to solve conflicts..several other ways, believe me.
Being married is not easy , it is a lifetime commitment.
I have always said that the pillar of a marriage is the woman, a marriage remains strong, solid and complete because of woman. Woman is stronger than men. It is amazing how your mood, your attitude and behavior as a woman and wife and mom affects the mood, the attitude and behavior of your husband. Think of it. However marriage is a thing of TWO always, always. For both of you, think and then talk, have always a minute to relax together, and spend time together. Find something you both like to share (swimming, walking, chess, jogging, reading, movies, etc).
I do not believe in the "perfect match"..I would say that is a willingness to love and be loved, the willingness to listen and be listen, to forgive and be forgiven. However, you have to know when there is not actually way to work things out, and one of you always get to win. Marriage is a two way street always.
My 13 years of marriage have not been easy, there is not an easy marriage; when people say to me they want an easy and perfect marriage, I say: "Don't get married". If you and your husband love each other, you will find a few ways to communicate and find together what you both want. Try, smile and laugh more often, find a minute to make love, to cuddle, to be romantic.
I hope this helps a little bit.

Marriage is a partnership such as a business and it takes constant work. The partnership is not always 50/50 and it can be 5/95 but it changes as do the issues in the marriage change. There must be respect, communication, trust and growth in a marriage.

A marriage today will not be the same as a marriage of 5, 10, 20, 30 or more years. Do have date night so that you are reminded why you married and what you saw in him that attracted you. It is only through the difficult times that you grow stronger and begin to know the inner you and your strengths that get you through to the next bad/rough spot. I will be celebrating my 39th anniversary next month and that last two years have put a deep strain on the marriage due to illness but it is getting better and we are at a different level in the relationship that is the same as in the beginning of being careful and reckless. Don't get me wrong there were times I wanted to leave but didn't it was just something deep down inside that prevented me. There were times I wanted to throw him out the window (he was in hospital, doctor said that is normal for people who have been together for a long time).

Perhaps you can sit down together and discuss or explain how you feel about the pet showing up unannounced - that you were not aware of his wanting one so soon or that it was something that should have been decided together such as care, feeding that will be added to the family dynamics. I have been there when things that one spouse thought would be fine did not go well and turned the budget upside down. Or can we discuss this and get back to you on Friday from Tuesday and the item show up that afternoon - not a good feeling.

Good luck to you and keep us posted. The other S.

Hi S.,
I've only been happily married a mere 9 years, so I don't know if you want my advice. Just recently, this year, I came across a great book that offered a lot of insight on successful marriages. It's called Love and Respect. The author is Dr. Emmerson Eggerichs and the advice he offers in this book is so eye opening for both man and woman in regards to the love a woman needs and the respect a man desires in a marriage.
I understand the lack of role models in terms of marriage, my dad died when I was younger while mom and dad were seperated. My mom remarried a real loser who then died while they were seperated. She is now dating loser #3 and I don't think the poor guy realizes what lies ahead of him. (just kidding!) Anyway, my mother always ran away from problems in the past, that's just how she did it. Now that I'm grow with children I tend to "stonewall" instead of just dealing with the problem. The book really shows how you can stop the cause of a problem before it even happens. Please do your marriage a favor and go get it and read it...it will definately help!

I haven't hit any of those major milestones, but confident we will be there down the road.
May I make a suggestion?
Please get a book called, "the Seven Principles for Making Marriages Work," by Jon Gottman. He has been studying marriages/relationships for over 20 years. In his observances of thousands of couples over the years he can predict with 90% accuracy whether a marriage will succeed or fail. He started by identifying things couples do that predict divorce. Then he studied all the things that didn't lead to divorce, the things that were present in all of the marriages that succeeded 20+ years. That is what this book is about. It is not about the "don't do this" list of thinigs to avoid or behaviors to change. It is all about the positive things that really make or break a relationship and how to enhance them. When you enhance and do more of the good many of the bad things just disappear.
Good luck.
--happy wife and marriage therapist

i havn't been married for a long time but i look up to my dad-15 years (my parents are divorced too). my dad and mom are light night and day. He is my "guider" to a happy marriage. i watched him in my single days and saw the good and the bad my step mom and my dad have, and well, they admit that they fall in and out of love with eachother all the time...nothing wrong with that.

1. you and your husband need to know that a marriage is a life time commitment, not when then going gets tough, if you leave when the going gets tough, then marriage IS NOT for you and you'll find no one you want to be with in the commitment of a marriage.
2. marriage is full of compromises, both need to meet in the middle
3. it's ok to agree to disagree on small stuff
4. i sacrifice myself EVERY DAY for my husband, and i know he does the same.

kinda like being a parent, it's not always cake, sometimes burning coal that you have to down right swallow before it's cooled.

there's times i want to beat the life out of my husband, but we promised eachother, that it's for better for worse (we've are currently going through worse right now) we NEVER threaten divorce on eachother to get our way, we NEVER compare OUR relationship with the past relationships we've had and we make it a habit to go on a date night often.

You make it being married by not divorcing year after year after year.

You stay happy by focusing on the happy things by being appreciative, by counting your blessings. It is very easy to see every fault of our children and spouse and keep an account of these things but why don't we practice keeping an account of all the right things they do be it little or large? Our happiness shouldn't be dependent on another person but should be rooted and establish deep within us as a part of being committed to our own best interest while not riding rough shod over our spouse.

Sacrifices come with great relationships, sometimes it is you and sometimes it is the other person. Ultimately you have to be willing to do something positive rather than nothing or something negative. Don't you make sacrifices for you children, your parents? Why not your spouse?

The thing with the church is once you find one that is loving and truly Bible based you learn all kinds of things and meet those "elders" you have been looking for for mentoring and advice.

Here is an interesting observation, the statics for the divorce rates of people who have been married for a second time is even higher than first time married divorces. It is seemingly easier to walk away than it is to work really hard at making things work or being resolved within yourself to make the best of things. Forgiveness is the oil of a successful relationship.

I have known my husband for 22 years, I have loved him for 21 years but we have only been married for less than 1 year but we didn't date that whole time but I did actively choose to improve myself in preparations for my husband not knowing this man was the man I would marry.

Yes it is worth it, everything we went through to get to this point. We have such a deep respect and love for each other that shows itself every day in appreciation. I appreciate and respect this man. Do you respect your husband simply for who he is? Rhetorical question. Husbands need our respect. We need our husband's love.

These various counseling experiences you've had.
Were they all associated with religious organizations
that support the husband-in-charge philosophy?

Have you ever tried counseling with secular therapists,
who agree with and coach equal responsibilities between the sexes?

Have either of you ever taken a workshop about clear communication?

When you argue, I'm guessing you're each starting from your own internal assumptions and have not started from the same basic belief system.

Can either of you say back to the other what you have just heard
the other person say? With clarity and comprehension?

My sympathies regarding your never having experienced
good role modeling for a happy marriage.

The solution may exist somewhere between your throwing in the towel
and your husband's domineering expectations.

Let me know if you'd like some suggestions/recommendations
about learning communications skills.