Staying Together for Our Child

When i was a child i thought my parents fought too much and wondered why they stayed together if they were so miserable but as i got older and they stayed together i realized it wasnt that bad and now that i am married and they are still together and like best friends im glad they didnt get divorced.however in my life i have been divorced and firmly feel that life is too short to put up with stuff you dont have to.its all a matter of whether you are better off with them or without them and if you want to feel how you feel now in 5 years.you cant get time back.

My marriage to my ex-husband was horrible. My advise is that if you are not happy, do not stay. It will do more harm than good. Yes it is great if the child(ren) have both parents but as long as both parents are happy and loving, not fighting. Sometimes children do better in a one parent household.

Hmm.. have yawl discussed counseling?
I kinda went through a phase like that, but it eventually passed...
I look at it this way.. If someone really wants something bad enough they will work through it.. but you have to have both sides willing to work toward the same goal..
Good Luck Hon-

I had a similair situation a few years ago. Eventually my husband did some things based on our unhappy relationship that did lead to divorce. After the divorce was final, my daughter told me how happy she was that it was just us now. She said she always heard the arguments and resentment in our voices. Now, we have both remarried and are in very healthy marriages. It has provided her the secuity and stability she longed for and she is much happier. That may not always be the case but it was best for all of us in mine. Whatever you decided, talk openly with your child and pray. You will find the answer.

I would STRONGLY suggest counseling - We had our fare share if issues - it seemed harder at 8 - 12 years of marriage than it did at any other time -

we have now been married 17 years.

If you absolutely cannot work things out for the two of you...then do not stay married. I do not believe in staying together for the childrens sake. They know you are not happy. Just make sure they know it is not because of them. You are not doing them any justice by keeping an unhappy environment around them.

Dear C H,
For eight years I stayed married to a man who was emotionally, verbally and sexually abusive. I left him in 2001 when I began to fear for my physical safety. Before I left, I had prayed (begged) for years for God to change my marriage; change my husband, change me, change whatever needed to be changed to make it work. I took my three and a half year old and went to a domestic violence shelter.
I was naive and stupid. I believed that I would just take my son, and my husband would be okay with joint custody with me having primary custody. I was wrong. He got Emergency Ex-Parte custody until the case went to court, and eventually got full custody. From the time of the emergency order until we went to court (three months), my ex would not allow me to see my son alone. I believe that his having custody is his way of retaining control over me. Being that we prayed for five years and went through two failed adoptions before we got our son, it was also the worst thing he could think of to pay me back for leaving him. Two and a half years ago, I took my ex back to court once I starting seeing signs that my son was being emotionally abused. I still didn't get him back because the judge did not find that there was enough of a change of circumstances to warrant a change of custody. I have been remarried for five years and live in the same town with my son and see him as often as I can. Any "extra" time that I get with him above the visitation order, is at the sole discretion of my ex. (you see where the control thing comes in...) For the most part he will give me the extra time, he just makes me wait a few days before he will give me an answer.
I didn't tell you my story to scare you. I just want you to see all of the possible outcomes of your decision. If you are not in an abusive situation, then I would suggest counseling. If money is an issue, then there is counseling available in churches. I would fight for your marriage as hard as you can, then if you and your husband still end up in a divorce situation, then you can truly say that you did everything that you could. There won't be any "what-if's" or "should-have's" later.
I pray that God is with you in whatever decision you make. Good luck!

Staying together for your children is NOT a good idea. It makes it hard on the child (they know what is going on) and it makes you unhappy which also reflects onto the child. I only learned this after staying in my marriage for 8 years unhappily for my child. I thought she would be happy, but it did nothing but make her unhappy. Now that we are divorced she is a happier child. (not having to see us upset at each other all the time and now she knows that it was never her fault) Children have a way of making everything their fault. Believe me if you want what is best for your child you will do what is best for you.

I personally do not believe in divorce unless the situation is extreme or dangerous. I don't know what to say about how your child will turn out whether you decide to divorce or stay together, but I do know that children do fair better with 2 parents. The best advice I can give you is that you go to a marriage counselor before you make any decision. See if you and your husband can work out a compromise to whatever problems you may be having. There must be some reason you have been married for 8 years and have a beautiful child together. I would really weigh whether or not the bad times are really bad enough to give up all the good times you have had. Everyone has hard times and every marriage has difficulty, I know has had its share of hard times. The only other advice I would like to give you is to keep your child out of your conflict, I would explain that you and daddy are arguing but everything is okay and you still love each other, but dont put your child in the middle of it, give them somewhere to go or something else to do. I'm sure you already know this, but some people do it unintentionally so I just thought I might mention it. I really hope everything works out for you, whatever you decide. I really would look into seeing a marriage counselor though.

Never stay in something for someone else. You have to be in this for you. First make sure that you have done everything in your power to make this relationship work. Praying (if you believe in prayer) first and then trying different things. If none of this works then it is absolutely not you and you need to reevaluate the situation. By all means we know children need both parents, but a child is smarter than we think and they know and sense more things about us than we think. So your child is probably uncomfortable and is soaking in some of these issues like you did with your parents. Your son is 4 and does have an understanding but some parents divorce and dont get counseling or dont talk about the situation with their kids. Kids develop feelings about a certain thing and run with it being nieve and until they are old enough to truly understand the facts of why things happen the way they do. Their feelings will be hurt and devastated by the situation,but as long as the child has both of you guys in his life he will be fine. Hope this helps.

I will be straight up and say it is NEVER a good idea to stay together for the sake of the child....What child wants to have yelling and fighting all the time? Even if you are silent, they feel the tension. All staying together does is teach them that love=fighting. My daughter told me she liked it better when her dad and I were apart because she hated the arguing, the tension, and the worry of when the next fight would break out. If you are not happy, why do you think the child is happy? So I say move on, and prevent your child from living the same life you have. What they see is what they learn and pass on generation after generation...

If you have had counselling and it has not worked, moving on is better than staying and being unhappy.

My parents stayed married for over 30 years unhappily...I didn't realize how bad it was until i witnessed it myself when i was older. Don't stay together because you think your son will be better...you want your son to grow up in a happy home with a happy mommy and daddy and this sometimes doesn't mean in the same house. My parents were very abusive to one another physically and emotionally and verbally. The physical part was there for a long time and i ended up part of it once. This sticks with me even today. I don't want my daughter to ever have to experience it. My marriage isn't perfect and my husband heavens knows is far from perfect but we work at it to make it good for her. If you feel there is no hope and the love is gone then you should not stay together for your son's sake, trust me it is the best thing. Just pray hard before you make the big decision and know it will all work out for the best what ever you and your husband decide. You also need to involve your son in this as well....don't go into great detail just let him know things are going to be different and slowly ease him into it instead of daddy just leaving and him not understanding and thinking he has done something wrong as my little sister did and she was 8 at the time. It is a hard thing to deal with and I still have trouble with it sometimes and I am almost 30 and there will always be that hope that my mom and dad will get back together....My mom is remarried and did so 4 months after the divorce. So that was another issue all in its own. Hope you will find peace soon for your sake and your son's. I will pray for your family.

I stayed with my husband for 13 years, we fought all the time, but I wanted to do it for my Children and my Parents stayed together, but my child hood was terible and I wanted my Children to have a better life than I did. Will I ended up doing more harm than good, out of three children my daughter tries her best not to raize her two children with what she remembers of a bad childhood, the two son's blame me for the way they have turned out, by abusing the wife's. They don't want to change the life style. But on the other hand they blame me for them not having a father. But as I had told them it was there father's fault that he choose not to be a father to them. S.A.T.

CH

Without knowing the details of the marital problems I will assume that they can not be reconciled. Using that preface, my personal opinion is that it is not a good idea to stay together for the sake of the children. Having said that, make sure the children (or child in your case) know that they are loved and are in no way part of the problem. When explaining the situation to the children make sure it is clear that any problems are with you and your husband, not the chlid. Hope this helps.

Good luck!

I honestly believe that staying together for the benefit of your child leaves them and you no benefit at all. Our children eat sleep and breathe just like we do and when we're upset they feel it, when we're angry they feel it and vice versa. If you choose to stay together and you can't be civil then when your children grow up and get married they are going to look at the example given by you. They're going to follow what they know. The question in the long run is would you want your child to stay with someone they didn't love for the sake of someone else?

On another note if you really love this man and want to try to work it out try WWW.MARRIAGEMATTERSNOW.COM

B. B

I did not grow up in a situation like this really, although when my parents would fight, I would naively wish that they would just go ahead and get a divorce, thinking that was the solution. In reality, the solution is to decide how you really feel. Do you honestly love him and he you? Is what you keep fighting about really the issue that could separate your family? Don't lie to yourself about what the problems are. As painful as the truth may be to get out, the truth will set you free! Free to love without shame or hesitation, free to make peace and separate, free to let go and move on, free to forgive and forget, whatever. And taking it to God together has to be in there too, so that He can bless your marriage and your home, because you won't get through it without Him. I just went through a very tough week with my husband, and because of our relationship's strength with God and each other, we are better now than we were before. Hope this helps you. May God bless your decision and actions.

Well, as Dr. Phil would say, "I'd rather be from a broken home than live in one." It sounds like you know first-hand, since you came from a home where your parents fought alot, that it's no fun living in that kind of environment. Your son is still young, and kids bounce back pretty easily. It might be better to divorce now(as long as you've done everything you can to try and make it work) than to wait until he's older and it would be more difficult for him to adjust to.
Good Luck!

Dr Phil said on one of his shows that its better for kids to be from a broken home rather than be in a broken home. I honestly can't tell you what I would do in that situation because I have never been in that situation. I can pray for you and your family though. Best of luck!

Here's a couple books I would recommend for reading [sorry their author's names escape me now]: a. Why marriages succeed and fail and how to manage yours? b. The FIVE Love languages by Dr. Gary Chapman c.Love and Respect. Staying together for a child/ren is a worldwide problem. Dive into joint counseling and root out the underlying problems. There is a nationwide epic of alienating parents where divorce is the "solution" and your storm will be a "katrina" life effect. Run to the bookstore & read up! Caution: you never know someone until you divorce them!

I was one those kids who parents "stayed together for the children's sake" and it awful. Both of my parents were absolutely wonderful, good, decent people on their own but together...oh lord. They were excellent parents and I loved both of them dearly. I remember the arguements, the yelling when they thought me and my sister couldn't hear them. The tension was unbearable at times. They really tried to "shield" and "protect" us from their problems and I know they thought they were, but kids know. They decided to get a divorce when I was 11, but then a month later decided not to. Relatives, friends and our church family had convinced them it was for the best, we kids needed to be raised in a loving home with 2 parents. After that, what ensued was a 37 year marriage where my mom and dad were emotionally miserable. And that affected every aspect of their lives, and every aspect of mine and my sister's. And as we got older, a certain amount of guilt on our part. They're decision to stay together left me and my sister with emotional scars and it took me several years of soul searching to realize that even though they stayed together for my sake I was not to blame, only they were. There is no doubt in my mind that ALL of us would have been happier had they divorced all those years ago. I lost both my parents a few years ago within a year of each other. And I grieved terribly, not only for losing them, but for all they lost staying together all those years.

My parents also divorced when I was a young child, and it took forever to forgive them for it. BUT- once I got over the divorce, and each parents subsequent re-marriages, I found that had they stayed together, we (me and my siblings) would probably have been miserable. Have you and your husband considered counseling? Eight years of marriage is alot to throw away. However, if you do decide to divorce, as long as the two of you are civil and do NOT try to use the child as a pawn to "get back" at each other, and reassure the child that each of you still love him, then the child should not have a problem adjusting to being a two home family member. It's hard, and marriage takes ALOT of work, but it IS worth it in the end!
If you need a shoulder or an ear, I'm here and willing to listen.
D.

I believe in trying marital counseling before you give up on your marriage. It helps in getting through situations you can't deal with on your own. Then, you'd be better able to make the right decision. Wish you the best.

K.:)
www.Health4URFamily.com

Staying together for the sake of children is a selfish reason. Your children deserve the best of both parents. Can they have that with the two of you fighting and arguing? I say go your seperate way and when you are with your children make sure they get the best of you.

Hi C.H.

I divorced 2 years ago and it was the best thing I could have done. I never wanted a divorce but I had to realize that I could not change my husband. I could not make choices for him. He had to do it for hisself.I wanted change, and God began to change me. I began to get the revelation that God is love and that he really did love me. Afterwards, I began to understand that the relationship that I was in was not God ordained it was something that I had ordained. I forgave myself and packed my bags and left with my 3 kids. My oldest daugther is Artistic, but though it all God restored me and my children. My Son, was baptist on Easter and my ex- husband apologied for hurting me. We work together now and he spends more time with the kids. I have primary custody and the kids go on weekends to see him. We all attend church together for Easter. My new husband and I enjoyed services....Ask God what you should do. If you would like to talk more with me. You can call me. I counsel and work with hurting women. Since I have been there and done that. God Bless!

My email is: ____@____.com
###-###-####

COMMUNICATION! This is the single most important word in human language. If you don't have good communication with your spouse, your children, your family members, your boss, your co-workers, you're headed for disaster. You and your spouse are probably just doing what every married couple does at some point or another (and sometimes more than once during the course of a marriage), you're losing sight of why you fell in love to begin with! Everyday life can get in the way of relationships. The day-to-day running of a household, jobs, raising children -- all these things require good reciprocal communication. If you and your spouse aren't communicating well, then get help with that!

My husband and I went through marriage counseling a few years ago and it was one of the best experiences of our marriage. I had already given up on our relationship and was preparing to live the life of a single parent, but my husband convinced me to go to counseling with him. We just celebrated our 16th wedding anniversary!

Oh, and just because (maybe), you've been through counseling before doesn't mean that you shouldn't try it again. There are always issues that can be worked through. AND, if it's not "work" to go through counseling, you're NOT doing it right! Find a good christian counselor who believes in the sanctity of marriage and you'll be fine. Good luck and God Bless!!!

C. K.

You did not say what the problems are. If it is physical violence --get out of it. If it is drugs--seek counseling. The best advice if it is neither of these is to see counseling. If it is because he is seeing other women--get counseling if you love him and you know he really loves you. Advice on this could be tricky because there are so many blanks n your statement. Talk to a counselor--someone who is neutral and you can tell the whole story to. That would be fair to yourself. If divorce is the answer--staying together does not help the children. You have already answered that in your statement. So really look at what you are concerned about. Best of blessings to you.

I am soon to be 40 yrs old and my parents stayed together for the sake of my two brothers and myself. They finally divorced when I was 25 and had just had my first child (true bitterness because it changed the outcome of grandchildrens lives). I still hold a lot of resentment towards my Mom because she should have left my Dad when we were kids. We suffered tremendously with arguing, drinking, discipline issues between the two. My Dad was an alcolholic and my Mom worked nights so I was forced to grow up way to soon being the oldest and I can't help but wonder what my childhood would have been like otherwise. Don't get me wrong, My Dad is sober now for 25 years, has become a Christian and has changed his life completly and I love him dearly but would have still loved him had I been spared that horrible childhood. If you are not happy, your child will see through it. I personally do not believe in divorce, I've been married for almost 21 years and have 4 wonderful children myself and I would do what was in the best interst of my children and being in a marriage that just isn't working is not best for the child but no matter what, if you decide to leave, you both must always put that child first and discuss and share in the decisions made for him. Divorce is hard on children but it is only unbearable if we make it that way. Try not to fight in front of him and always include your ex in on important decisions concerning your son. Good luck in whatever you choose to do and my prayers are with you.

My parents divorced when I was 5 and I honestly believe that is the best thing that could have happened. Staying together for the sake of the children is probably a bad decision. A child can grow up happier in 2 homes of love rather than one home with no love. If you believe you need a divorce, then FOR the children, get the divorce.

Please read Dr. Laura's book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands and The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage. They are easy reads and VERY enlightening. Do not be put off by the title. My parents divorced when I was a teenager and they are no better off and neither are we but now I am a 39 year old mom of 2 married for 15 years. We had a bad time about 2 years ago and I am so thankful we did not divorce. Look at your divorced friends. Are they better off? Do you want to remarry and deal with a new spouse's ex and kids? Also deal with your ex's new spouse and your kids having step siblings? It is a mess!!! I don't see many who have it any better than if they had put in a lot of effort and worked on their marriage. I do believe we need to sacrifice things for our kids. Anyway, I promise these books will give you a new perspective.

C H,
Would your husband agree to counseling? You say you have the same problems over and over. Maybe if you can find a constructive way to work out these problems you will be able to save your family. Both of you have to be committed to trying to make your marriage work. If your husband doesn't want to try, them you will eventually feel resentful toward him because you are the one who always gives a little. It is a difficult thing to keep a marriage together, but it takes work by both individuals. I've always heard that it is better for the children to have both parents raising them, but if you can't get along and it is a constant struggle in your home that can't be good for the kids. However, if you do end up seperating, I hope you will be able to work together to raise your son. Even if you don't live together, you can both be very involved with your son and that will ultimately be what is best for him. Good luck! D.

it depend on how old your kids are and also your problems.look

CH me personally I would try and work things out but first you need to work out the problem and without knowing what your problem is it's kind of hard to say much. But if it's fidelity that keeps happening I would go on and leave because you said it's the same problem and if it's that he's untimately has made his choice he's not stopping but if it's anything else i say try and work thru it it seems as if you guys need to have a real heart to heart w/o all the other drama. Anyway girl good luck to you because every child needs both parents. This life is hard enough

I would say no it is not best to stay together for the children because children sense when there are problems and staying together for them can make a very tense household. If you are unhappy then yuor children can be unhappy. I would also say do what is best for you and your family. No matter what you do, do it for the right reasons.

I believe it's better to be divorced and get along with each other than to stay together and always fight in front of your child. Your child may end up thinking it's his fault simply because he doesn't understand.

Being a product of a three time broken home and having a family of my own and our share of issues I can speak as candidly on this topic as the next person. I agree with a response below stating that if you are not being abused, your children are not being abused there are steps to save your marriage. And a lot of times marriage is a decision its not always happy go lucky and easy and children do put a different twist on marraige that sometimes have to be amended from how your lives were previously. First step, if you have not sought outside help that is where to start. Even if he doesnt agree to it do that first even if by yourself. Two if you are a spiritual person plug into your source of spirituality I have found in my life personally when I am furthest from my beliefs is usually when I am not thinking as clearly as I could be. Choose to fight or argue behind closed doors. Don't let your children see or hear your arguments don't make them more involved than they should be, kids today grow up quick enough on their own they don't need our help to engage them in adult siuations and talks. Three make the decision to stick it out until your decision becomes your reality. Below I will paste a blog I wrote about a year ago after my husband and I had a rough spot. Hope this in some way helps you find encouragement.

God Bless

Marriage, It’s not always a fairy tale.
Current mood: content
Category: Life

I would like to shed some light on Marriage that I think too often is kept hush hush!

When you think of a fairytale especially as a woman what do you think of? Cinderella maybe? or Sleeping Beauty? or how about my favorite Snow White? Can't you remember the damsel in distress awaiting her one true love to come and whisk her away into marital bliss? Remember the gorgeous dress and the handsome well shaven man? O, and don't forget the white horse as they ride off into the sunset. But then what? Is that really where it ends?

While those of you who are not married think well, of course it is. Those of you who are go, ha, if it was only that easy. Now let me just preface by saying that marriage is a WONDERERFUL union BUT it takes WORK! When I say work you first think....sure it takes work relationships take work. You argue then you make up and everything is okay again. While yes, I agree with you I also think it is vital to understand that even the seemingly PERFECT marraige has its share of problems.

Think about it this way. It is like trying to lose weight and get your body in shape. What do you do? You eat right, you deny yourself from eating fattenting greasy o so yummy foods; you hit the gym when you dont feel like it and eventually your losing and your getting your shape back. The first month you hit it hard. Man veggies are plenty fruits are ripe and you are running longer and more than you ever have and WHEW do you feel good. While it seems like an easy 1, 2, 3 task lets go to month two after you have worked a 40 hour week and havent gotten to eat all day because you have been grocery shopping, running the kids, and doing the laundry...the last thing you want to do is hop on a treadmill for 30 minutes, BUT because you know the results you push through and do it anyway. Isnt it the most miserable task trying to get yourself to the gym and on the treadmill when your levels of exahustion have hit the roof? Of course it is....but you realize the pay off is well worth this one exahusted day!

That is a lot like marriage. There are days that are hunky dory you get the errands done maybe even make out a little and snuggle up and watch a movie. But then theres days when it takes everything you have to address an issue and work it out, but its those that persevere that get to see the other side. You get to experience a bond no one could ever understand.

You see marriage is not just about being committed its deeper its more connected than that. Its not just saying, we have been married 25 years its about having a loving relationship where yea at 60 years old you still wanna make out some days! (maybe after a little viagra but hey....you get the point :) )

Just don't be duped into thinking marriage is a fairy tale. Have realistic expectations, and then let God make all your dreams come true.

How can we expect to have a deep rooted connection with out the CONNECTOR. Don't be naive to think you can have a marriage with out God because trust me once He's out of the picture so is your marriage. And let me also say this there are some days you want God there like the days your husband refuses to take out the trash those are the days you gladly say, God you handle it hahaahha :) j/k but I hope that sheds some light. Just something I have been seeing through my own life and other mutual married friends. Marriage can be a fairytale if we see the reality of what it also could be if we just let it happen! Work it out.....your marriage will be in great shape if you do! :)

In Christ

ash

Hi! The first and best advice I can give you is don't stay with your husband for the sake of your son. It's best to break it off now. Kids can adjust to almost anything. If you all are fighting or fussing around him, he can feel the tension. I know it's going to be hard on him for a little bit, but it would be for the best. Cut your losts now. You both will be better off. Hope this helps.

Speaking from personal experience. I would say do not stay together for the child. My parents stayed together and were miserable for 15+ years "for the kids". Not only is it not fair for the two of you, but ultimately it's not fair for the kids. FOr me, once I got older and learned why they had problems and ended up splitting..I felt like my whole life up to that point had been a lie. All the "family" memories I had now were meaningless to me because i felt like they were not genuine. If you feel you've exhausted all efforts to make your marriage work and truely do not feel that you have anything left to give then I say make the change now. Hope this helps, good luck.

Never stay together "for the sake of your kids". I grew up in that kind of family and I am STILL dealing with the repercussions! It was so awful! The fighting, the screaming, the crying!

I would have much preferred having happily divorced parents than the dismally unhappily married ones I grew up with!

J.

You poor girl. My sister is going through the same thing. She has a one year old daughter and a 4 year old daughter. She works 12 hour shifts as a nurse and has very little home life. Her husband also works 12 hours shifts as a policeman and works opposite of her schedule. They seemed happy until he asked for a divorce. To her it was out of the blue, to us (her family) we saw it coming. He stated that they were incompatible, but eventually the truth about his having an affair came out. They went to one session of counseling before the truth came out and he said he was over the marriage and wanted out. My sister has been a single mother since the birth of her first child and so she is making the adjustment pretty well.
I suggest trying to compromise and get along if its just personality things that are getting in the way. Remember why ya'll got together in the first place. You two obviously liked each other enough. BUT, if that's not enough move on. It will be hard for the kids initially, but it would be harder if they saw unhappiness everyday. Hope that helps. Good luck.

I am not an advocate of divorce, but there are definitely situations when it is necessary and a good thing for all involved. After 8 years of marriage, you should know if it is going to work out, or not. It seems that you are seeking permission to get a divorce. That is something that only you and your husband can decide on. BUT, if you have tried (and after 8 years, it seems you have) and things are not getting better, then, maybe you should seek help and/or divorce. Children are affected by fighting and stress in the home. They are better off with parents that can get along separately with the child's best interest at the center of all decisions. Sometimes, that is done separetely and it is still best for the child. DON'T stay in a bad marriage for the sake of the child! That is my opinion.

I too grew up in a family where parents argued all the time up until my mother passed away, now you have to understand my parents started having kids in their 20's, i'm the baby of 6, I was born on my mothers 40th birthday (1964) anyway they believed that you stay together no matter what especially when there were kids involved, well I wish my parents would have divorced, because they faught constantly and I would leave and just take off walking ( we lived in a very small town) I would walk over to the school and various places just to get away from the arguing.
I'm not saying you should get a divorce, but if you are staying together for the kids sake then you may want to rethink your decision.
A.V.

Have you and your husband tried any marital counseling? I think it would be worth a shot. Every marriage goes through rough patches. The best gift parents can give their children is two parents who love each other. I came from a home of divorce also, and all I can say it wasn't good for me or my siblings. People always think the grass is greener on the other side, but after sacrificing their family they realize they maybe should've tried a little harder. I wish you the best of luck and I will be praying for you.

P.S. I have been married 11 years with two children and I can't stand the thought of having my children part of the time or sharing them. Most importantly I want my children raised in a secure home so that they grow up to be self-confident happy adults who believe in marriage.

S.B.

First of all, it always a good idea to do whatever it takes to try and make your marriage work when you truly love your spouse. However, we can sometimes find oursleves in love with someone that is just not a good companion. If you really believe that you can't work through your problems and eventually have a peaceful and happy home environment, then perhaps it is just not possible to achieve due to your differences with one another. I have been through divorce. And, I stayed with the father of my children for their sake, not my own. I thought my selfless act was necessary to keep our family together. The truth is, it was more damaging than good. Children should not be your reason to stay together if you are really unhappy and don't feel there is any hope in that changing. And, if you all are fighting all of the time, they may in fact make your children begin to think that it is what they should expect to happen when they love someone and marry. It can become a cycle. Our children are happiest when we are happy. They will be much more emotionally healthy and truly happy with 2 "happy" divorced parents, than two miserable married ones. Our happiniess and stability makes them feel more secure, whether we are together with our spouse, or not. I'm sure some may disagree. But, I have lived it, as many of my friends have, and that is the simple reality of it.

Good Luck and God Bless...

L.

A couple of years ago Dr. Phil said it best. A child would rather come from a broken home than be in a broken home. I wish you and your family all the best.

Hi CH,

I am sorry that you are having to go through this. With that said. I would like to say, its not the quanity of parents in a house that make a home. Its love, compassion and stability that make a home. These are the nurturing factors that children need to thrive. I would like to share my story with you.

Our child died and our marriage went downhill fast. We tried to make it work and we even had another child. But to no avail.

With the devastating loss we had went through we both wanted custody. It was not a pretty scene. In the end, we both received joint custody with her in my primary care. After the hurt of the breakup and the bitterness of the custody battle. Bill and I remained on friendly terms for our daughter. We lived in different states so he would get her for the summer and at holidays I would invite him and his flavor of the week to come and stay a few days at a time. I remarried and my two boys from this marriage actually fell in love with Bill. So everyone was close. When my daughter married, her father and her stepfather walked her down the isle and they both gave her away. When our grandbee was born on New Years Day we both were there and stayed a week with her. When I look back on it I know we made the right decision. She always knew she was loved, she always knew stability and my boys had an extra person in their lives they could love and call friend. None of this would have been possible if we had stayed together. It would have been chaos and utter bitterness. I couldn't imagine raising my children in that.

My son is coming home from Kuwait for a few days and then shipping to Irag. Bill called me the other night to let me know he would be here for Christians homecoming. In his words, "I promised that boy I would be there and I never go back on my word."

The decision you and your husband make is not going to be an easy one. But between the fighting see if you and him can sit down together to look at all sides and come to a decision you both can feel good about. No matter what you decide, I really wish you well.

The best advise that anyone or anything my husband and I came across during our times (yes, twice!) of divorce were two things: 1) Marriage is like a car. It needs maintaince: daily, monthly, annually and then it has those dreaded accidents. When you've invested time, money and have fallen in love with that car... one just doesn't throw it away for a new one. THINK OF THE INVESTMENT! 8 years is def worth fighting for. Please reconsider the thought of the "D" word and try seeking help from an outside source.

2) We did get so close to our divorse the second time around that both parents had to watch a lil video. It was about the scheduling and the building of relationships with new people from the other spouse. I believe it was 2 days after we went to our sep classes that we figured that we didn't want some other woman/man being a significant person in our son and daughters' lives. Think of the holidays and the school times. What if he moves away? How is that all going to work out? Is weekends enough with his dad or you? Are you okay with your son meeting other women or men? It's not just the two of you. It's his life that you will be affecting too. And in my case of my grandparents divorsing & my mom and dad not together... the cycle is a downwards spiral and goes from generation to generation. I'm not aware of your background so I apologize if this is out of context, but I for one took a stand to break that cycle.
I pray that you and your hubby are able to search your hearts and find that flame that once burned sooo deeply for eachother. It's there; you just have to find it. God Bless.
Vince and N. Castano

I agree with what the other moms said, for the most part... It might be a good idea to try counseling or some mediation.
But, as someone else said, make sure the counselor is a good fit for both of you. If you decide to talk to a counselor, it is not unusual to actually "interview" the counselor or ask around about the person prior to going. I am a counselor and encourage my prospective clients to just talk to me 1st and if they feel I am not right for them, I help them find someone else. It doesnt happen too often.
If money is an issue and if your husband isnt interested in counseling you might contact your local Domestic Violence Shelter as they may be able to assist you also. Even if you are not in what appears to be a DV situation, there may be certain things that qualify for their services. Good Luck.... and its obvious that this group provides a tremendous amount of support for each other.

i thought about the same thing i want my child to have the things i didnt. i come from a family of no divorce. if i was single it would be a lot harder. my husband puts his kids above me and my child, and there grown. i hope eveything works for you. i would try counceling,

My parents fought when I was a child, then they waited until they were married 35 yrs before they actually divorced! They have since remarried. I have had flash backs of that time which has not been pleasant. Have you both been to counseling? If not I would strongly sugguest this route. Try not to fuss and fight in front of your son, and even though you think he may not hear--well, you might be surprised! I was an only child and had no one to run to and tell my fears of loosing my parents! Be cautious. Let your heart lead you, it's easy for everyone to give you advice. If you are not attending church this could be a place of solace for your family! With God ALL things are possible! My prayer is that you and your husband will be able to go beyond your problems! I think we all go thru times that we feel we are not suited for each other. My husband & I will be married 21 yrs this November and we went thru some bad years, I even spoke with an attorney on two occasions. But God worked a miracle in our marriage that I can't explain! Now I am so thankful that I didn't go thru with the divorice not only for us but our three children. If my first 9 yrs could of been as wonderful as the last 12 yrs I would have a perfect marriage! There again God worked thru us and let us see everything in a different light and helped us forgive each other. Please consider your decision with all that is inside you! Your little boy loves you both!

God Bless You,
M.

My parents stayed together for us kids and I swear I was the only six year old who wished their parents would get a divorce! Children are very intuitive and can tell if you don't really love each other. I knew my parents loved me, but could tell they did not love each other. As a result both me and my sister had a hard time figuring out how relationships were really supposed to work. I know divorce is hard on children as well, but as long as the two of you can work together and not try to pull your children between you, it should be fine.
Remember that you have to take care of yourself so that you can take care of your children. If you are constantly upset by your husband, it may not be healthy for your son.
Hope that helps some. The answer is really up to you. Do you think you could stay with this man and maintain a healthy enough relationship for you son? Do you think that your son will be able to tell? And how will that effect him?
I wish you the best of luck in making your decision as it is one only you can make.

Only you really know the answer to that. YOu have probably weighed things in your own heart to know the answer. YOu don't need anyone's approval one way or the other..be true to yourself and it will show itself in your children later. I am in the same situation though, an its hard to decide for myself though it's easy to advise someone else. I honestly wish I knew what to tell you. My husband has lost my respect and its sad to say because our second child is only 4 months old. I had him early and I believe it was due to stress in our marriage/ life that my husband would not man up and take on. He has emotionally abandoned me for the most of our marriage, and sad to say that this year will be our 10th. On one hand I am ashamed of myself for putting up wiht this, on the other..I have two beautiful little blessings to be thankful for. I know we all have to suck things p in marriage and that marriage is hard work and i have always been one who was ready for anything, so long as we stuck together. Now, I am just tired of fighting at life alone and just being lonely. I don't know if this is your situation but I really wish you the best. The fact that you took the time to ask advice says your marriage and doing the right thing is important to you. Do lots of praying. God will show you the way..as I am working on as well.

I am a 30 year old with at 13 year old son. I was married for 11 yrs, and been divorced 2. I thought for several years I was doing the right thing for my son by staying married. I feel like my son is much happier since the divorce. We never fought in front of him or yelled, but we didn't really talk either. My son would call from school with a stomach ache and was having trouble in school just before we divorced. Since we have been divorced he makes straight A's, never c/o feeling bad and is much happier. He knows that we both love him and it had absolutely nothing to do with him we just couldn't live together. So in my opinion and from my own personal experience I think it is better not to stay together for the children, because even if you think they are not aware that something is wrong they really are. I hope this helps.

First, seek spiritual guidance from a pastor and find out what the Bible has to say about marriage and divorce and trust God at all times.

Now, having said that -- the most important thing is to understand that marriage is a sacred union between two people who vowed to love each other unconditionally -- through sickness and in health, better or for worse (you are experiencing the "worse" and it will get better with time if you stick it out and open the lines of communication) -- your child is a product of that unconditional love. While staying together for the child's sake may be a good thing, it can also not be a good thing because the environment in which a child is raised will determine his view on relationships and life (I'm speaking from experience). All relationships have their difficulties and you must ascertain the degree of the difficulties in order to work through them. While I believe in counseling, more importantly, I believe that before any counselor can help you, you must first help yourself and you can try doing that by first realizing that in any problems, there are always two sides to every situation -- if you are part of the problem, acknowledge it and ask your husband for forgiveness. If your husband is part of the problem, bring it to his attention in a way that is non-accusatory and blameless and let him know how it makes you feel when he says or does certain things and if there is true love, friendship, and respect, he will try to understand your position and make every conscious effort to change the behavior that is causing the problem and you will also do the same for him. Marriage is an institution of respect, commitment, loyalty. To stay together for a child may not be a good reason; stay together because you genuinely, unconditionally love each other and that love will grow and filter to your child. Children are intuitive and there is a potential for emotional damage if a child senses that the parents don't love each other -- children have to be taught by example, they won't listen to what you say if your actions don't mirror what you say -- it will only confuse the child. Children grow up and become their own persons and the memories they have when they become of age are the memories that we as parents make for them in the present. As a spiritual person, I believe that true love conquers all and where there is true love there are no problems too great or small that you cannot overcome. So instead of focusing on the major problems, begin focusing on what you can do to overcome those problems and once you do, you may come to realize that what you deem as major problems may not not major at all but may be a result of outside issues and factors that have nothing to do with the marital relationship itself. Remember to treat each other with love, kindness, and respect and to give each other space when needed. The storms of life will come to us all but only those who weather the storms with strength, faith, commitment and perserverance will succeed. Life is not without problems, and for every problem there is a solution and finding those solutions may not always be easy, but some are worth the time and effort to find -- it just depends on how much value you place on the situation. So before considering divorce (or qutting), talk it out and work it out. Besides, a great lady whose name I cannot recall at this time once said the only thing that changes on a man is the face -- so when you look into your husband's face and eyes, remember what it is that made you fall in love with him in the first place and then repeat that in your mind over and over again until that's all you can think about. And when you are confronted with those problems again, just remember that love conquers all. Having said all that, this is just my opinion and I in no way am in a position to tell you to get a divorce or stay married -- I just hope that out of everything I said, you will find something that will be helpful to you because marriage is an private, intimate and personal relationship between two people and only you and your husband know what is truly going on in your lives and how your truly feel. However, unless your life is in danger and you are afraid to fall asleep at night, or there is no trust, then it is better to be alive and divorced than married and not alive. Your child needs you alive and well -- emotionally and physically.

I, like you grew up in a family where my parents were not happy with each other. I knew they were staying together because of us children. It was not good for me to grow up feeling I was responsible for my parents being miserable. I was happy when they divorced when I was 16.

I married and had 3 children before I was 25 years old. By the time I was 30 and my youngest was in kindergarten, I divorced. This began a chaotic period in my life and I did not provide a very stable home for my children during their formative years, because I did not know myself very well yet, and was not very mature or responsible at 30 years old. This situation was no better for my children than how I grew up. At least my home-life as a child was stable.

So my advise to you is to look very carefully at how you can provide stability and security for your child, whether or not you divorce. If you divorce, be careful about how all the changes might effect your child. Four-years old can be a difficult time of adjustment for a child without adding in a divorce. Consider how changes in your routine, such as weekend visitations, moving, new schools, new sitters, a new job for you, possible changes in your income and your ability to buy things, might unsettle him. Also, please be be very careful about who you bring into your child's life. New romantic relationships for you are big adjustments for children, too. It helps if you and your son have strong ties to extended family who will provide a consistent place and unconditional love. Grandma's house can remain an anchor in his life.

My heart goes out to you. It is not an easy decision to separate or divorce. Sometimes we stay in too long just because we don't know how to figure out when we need to see an attorney. It is a major step, and it needs to be. Perhaps it is not so bad to look at what is best for your child, maybe that will be what is best for you, too.

s

I've been divorced twice and I'm on my third marriage. Read some of Karen Kingsbury's books, especially Ocean's Apart and you'll gain some new insight that you've never had before about marriage. It made me look at things in a whole new way. I learned that love is a verb. It's a decision you make. If you aren't having any of the serious problems, like drugs or alcohol or your kids learning any illegal things from your husband, then try to stay. Ms. Kingsbury has 10 things for a positive marriage and believe me, they work. Her books are not preachy but they give you a wonderful love for God. I'm an avid romance reader and I couldn't get enough of her books. If you have any feelings at all toward your husband, try to make it work. Decide you will not make divorce an option and it will change your outlook on your marriage. Good luck.

CH

PLEASE go to www.zigziglar.com and order "The Courtship of Marriage".

If both of you will read and/or listen to the CD set before deciding on divorce, I think you will find a marriage worth saving.

By the way, almost EVERYONE goes through marriage problems in their 7th year of marriage. That is why they call it the "7 year itch". By 7 years, you have been married long enough to have had a couple of kids so you've now gone a couple of years without really paying any attention to each other and by 7 years, you've lived long enough to accrue enough debt to be stressful. It's TOTALLY normal and you can work through it. I wanted a divorce in our 7th year. I did get some marital counseling which helped and we're about to celebrate our 13th anniversary in June and I couldn't be happier that we made our marriage work - for the kids.

My husband and I seperated at one point for about three months and when we first did we had every intention of divorcing. But as the seperation went on we discovered that we did care enough about each other to work through the problems. Problems can be worked out!! But it does take both people to do so..

I will say though, don't stay together for the sake of the kids. Your child will be happier when his parents are happier. BUT if you could be happy with your husband, then I believe your child will be happier. Personally, my son is happier when his dad and I are together.

Maybe yall could try a seperation out. Try it out for a couple months, get ya'lls space, See how your child feels and reacts with his parents being apart, and make a decision from there. Don't make a hasty decision. You may change your mind and you don't want it to be too late.

Good luck ma'am.

I have heard wonderful things about Marriage Encounter weekends. There are Catholic ones and Christians ones. The Catholic web-site is retrouville.com . I have heard they have healed some of the most troubled marriages. You do a weekend, and then follow up once a week for a period of time. Best of Luck. I know some of my adult friends still are suffering over their parents' divorce.

i firmly believe that staying together for the children is the wrong thing to do. my ex & i split up because he was emotionally abusive & we fought constantly. i am now engaged to a wonderful man that loves me & my children just as much as he loves me. after 5 years of us being by ourselves, i still believe that leaving him was the best thing for us. i read somewhere once that you couldn't be a good parent if you weren't happy. i believe that's true. i know this is a hard decision for you, and you will be in my thoughts. good luck & take care.

Have you tried marriage counseling? Are you Christians and do you have a church family to reach out to? I've been divorced and I made the decision to go through with the divorce when my daughter was two. It was a very tough decision and I ultimately decided that I didn't want my daughter to grow up in a family that fought all the time and think that this is what love is. But, now I am in a wonderful marriage and I am very involved in my church. I wouldn't want to go back to my previous marriage, but if I had the church family I have today I think I could have worked it out and we all would have been a lot happier. Divorce is tough on everyone, ecspecially the kids. Even though I have a wonderful marriage, I still have to share my daughter with my ex and we have majorly different opinions on pretty much everything. That makes it tough. I would really urge you to try and work it out if at all possible and don't try to do it all on your own. Sometimes having a mediator is the best thing. Because neither parties are "winning" or "loosing". If you don't currently attend a church I would like to invite you to join me at mine... The Church at Pinnacle Hills in Rogers or First Baptist Church Springdale. Just message me to get directions and phone number, etc. I would be more than happy to help/ be there for you.

Hi CH, I am so sorry that your child is going to have to go through the same thing you were raised around, So you can feel what he is going to feel in the near future, It is always better to raise your child with a Mom & Dad, But if you 2 can't see past your troubles in your Marriage Your child will also suffer through that too, Have you to been to a Councler for what is going on?? And I think God could be a big help too, Find a good King James Version Bible Church, And maybe between Prayers and God things could work out, But remember both have to be willing to work on this, Seems you both have forgotten the love you once had for each other, And like you said there is a child involed, That along is what you 2 need to look at..I know you say I don't know what I am talking about, I have been married for 38 years, Have 4 children, 3 grand children, And it hasn't been easy, But some how we made it, And I love him more now,than when our children were young, we are best friend at this age, And We need one another now, I thank God every day for him...Good luck and God bless...
Joy...

In my opinion all of you would be much happier if you went your seperate ways. I believe staying together just for the kids would lead to later in life problems with your children about many things as well as how they think a marriage should be. if you both are open and honest to your kids about why you have made this choice and don't bad mouth each other, and also allow quality time with each of you I think they will do much better than both of you using quality family time arguing or not having fun. It will be difficult at times but you have only one life to live and when your children grow up they will understand. being unhappy and staying in your marriage may also cause you and your husband unawareingly to be irritated, upset and say and do things to your kids you would never do. be happy. and good luck.

I feel for you!

Being married for eight years, perhaps there is a bit of the "7-year itch" going on. Whether or not your husband consciously wants to be free to see other women, there might be something subconscious going on leading him to feel trapped, and this can come out in all kinds of ways. Maybe he's more critical. Maybe the problems you two have always have now seem impossible to him, and everything feels out of proportion.

Of course, it's just a theory, and it might have nothing to do with your problems, but when people discover some of the biological forces that might be driving them, they can decide to take back the steering wheel.

Whatever the case may be, I can see the benefits of getting divorced IF there really is no way to figure out how to accept, work around, or resolve major problems, after trying a variety of different therapies and approaches. Children who grow up in households where they don't see love being expressed, or, instead, where they see a lot of anger, etc., might not be able to learn how to express love and grow within relationships, themselves. On the other hand, if they don't see parents working together to overcome problems, children don't learn how to get through difficulties, either.

My parents separated, and then just kind of as a result (because they didn't do anything to use the break from each other to fix anything) got divorced, when I was four/five years old, and I don't think the stress of being a single mom, in addition to her personal foibles that my father was earlier able to mitigate with his presence, made it a healthy situation for me at all. I've had a lot of personal work to do to overcome the challenges that that created for me.

By contrast, my husband's parents stayed together, though they've been outright unhappy together for decades. They've each found his/her routine, they know what things not to talk about, share some things in common and focus on and enjoy "those," and my husband is, for the most part, a well-adjusted, happy guy. The slightly tamped-down expression of feelings (I figure because he didn't see much affection between them, etc. when growing up) that I see in him once in a while seems like nothing compared to the baggage I got!

Anyway, if you and your husband haven't tried counseling, of you've tried it but it didn't seem to work, make a few calls and try out a few different counselors. Some are far better than others. It is amazing what the right communication and relationship coaching can do. Be willing to try all kinds of different things. Acupuncture for a temper. Herbs for stress. Exercise to get stress out and re-gain the body awareness, thus romance (at least eventually). Learning new communication techniques, even if they feel a little foreign in the mouth, can, in themselves, help get things to the point where you and your husband can talk about your problems and work on resolving them.

Please try everything you can before giving up on your marriage. For your sake, as well as your son's!

Good luck.

L.

First sounds like the 7 yr itch. Everyone I know that has been married for even close has gotten it. Luckily we made our way through it. In fact we will celebrate our 11 yrs next week. Second, my parents NEVER fought in front of us..always behind closed doors. So I never learned how to fight and makeup. Needless to say, they divorced when I was 16. VERY hard for me as I was "daddy's girl". I agree with the others who have mentioned counsiling. You both need to figure out what made you fall in love to start w/. And do EVEYTHING you can to get it back. I reccomend reading "The Five Love Languages". It really helped my husband and I when we were havign troubles. Best of Luck!

You are in a complicated situation. I would really weigh my options and seek professional help (marriage counseling)even if my spouse refused to go. Each situation is different, each marriage is different. However, it is my opinion that people "jump ship" without trying to truly and convincingly work on their marriage. Divorce is easy and there are just as many problems AFTER divorce if not WORSE problems to face. Think it through and pray for guidance from God. I've been married 19 years and I have been in the same position you are in at one time or another. It is tiresome but marriage is a JOB especially if you have children.

are you both willing to make changes and work to make your marriage better for you and your children?

if not, then split. torturing your children with screaming matches doesn't do them any favors.

if you are, congrats! you've learned that marriage is hard work. get into a reputable counselor or to your priest/rabbi/(enter spiritual leader here) and address your issues so that you can move forward.

I think it is better for your son to see you both happy apart than miserable together. I personally know couples who have a much better relationship after divorcing. If you are staying together for your child, it is helping no one...he is not growing up in a healthy household, seeing how a relationship between adults should (and could) be. If you two were to split, he could witness the two of you getting along better with each other as co-parents and he could eventually see the two of you in happier relationships with other people. It will be hard at first, but if you are only together for him...sounds like you are both concerned with his feelings and could put his feelings first during the split...as long as 2 people are mature about it and think of the child first, it can be done in a decent manner. Counseling is a good idea for you and the child (seperately) if you split. Talk to him...he does see what is going on...good luck in whatever you decide to do!

Staying together just for the sake of the child is one of the worst things a couple can do. Almost as bad as having a child to try and save the marriage. Children can feel the tension even if there isn't any fighting being done in front of them. Take it from someone who has been in this situation....If there is no saving the marriage, the best thing to do is try and part as friends. My ex and I get along well and I am even friends with his new fiance. My daughter is better for it.

i am in the same boat as you, so if you get any good advice. send it my way.

thanks,
td

A good marriage is hard, it doesn't come as a complete package when you walk the aisle. It is a job you agree to take on. Even people married for a long time will admit that sometimes they aren't happy with each other. Work thru the problems you are having, don't let them defeat you. Get some good counseling. Talk, and LISTEN to each other, and be willing to admit you might be contributing to problems you are having. Pray, compromise, and sacrifice. God can make a wonderful marriage out of a lousy one. You can be one of those special couples being honored on their 50th anniversary.

Dear c h
i am remarried now, but i have 2 older children from my first marriage. They are now 19, and 20. I remarried when they where 3 and 5 years old. My 20 year old about 6 months ago came to me and said mom why didn't you try harder to stay married to dad. So i had to explain to him why i didn't. I really feel like if there is any chance at all that you and your husband can make your marriage work you need too! Get some outside help. As long as your husband is not abusing you or your child you both need to try to stay together. I don't care what people say it effects your children for life. My 19 year old has been in trouble with the police for smoking pot. He has been in boot camp and rehab. As a mother i beat myself up all the time thinking if i had stayed with him would things have turned out better for them. See my ex-husband gave my children no discipline, they ran wild when he had them. He did this just to hurt me, but it hurt them.
Anyway hope i helped you. I'm sure i didn't say what you wanted to read, but please do all you can, and i'm here if you want to talk.
D.m.

Dear C. H.

I know that in this day and age it is hard to stay married. The issues that we face are huge! My husband and I have been married 22 yrs. It has not always been a bed of roses! We started our with a great foundation of friendship and that has carried us through, hopefully another 22 yrs and more. My advice to you would be to talk with a counselor. To really go all out (both of you) to see if you can work through your issues. It takes two to make a marriage and staying together for the children isn't always the answer. But it is worth giving it your best effort. Divorce is painful thing for everyone and no one wins...especially the children. It affects them most. The question you have to ask yourselves is how hard do you want to work at making your marriage work? Love is not always a feeling...bottom line, it is a commitment. If you both give what is necessary I believe that with some guided help you can make it! Blessings, A.

HI, I grew up in a house hold with tones of yelling and other stuff going on as well. I know when my parents got a divorce I was happy and I can look back and they would of killed each other if it did not happen. However I have the cycle that I struggle with everyday with the yelling. My husband and I have been through it all but we worked and talked a lot. So much that we talked about how it would be like dating again other people again. We kept talking and tried councling (it did not work for us) but we made it through it. We are not perfect and we still yell but we watch it and how it happens and we talk to our kids. The question is do you love each other to fight for what you already have and what it could be.
K

I tell my children, getting married is easy, it's staying married that is hard. It really is hard to know what you mean by 'major marital problems'. But allow me to say this, I wish my parents would have split long before they did. But my parents were terribly abusive, physically and mentally and often alcohol was the catalyst to our family problems. Me and my brothers hardly understood how to maintain our own relationships as adults because of all the ugly that went on in our house. We have each been married and divorced and still trying to have that lasting relationship. Trust becomes difficult at best. You and your husband can still be the greatest parents for your child so long as you stop whatever it is that is causing your problems. Respect for one another will go along way in showing your child that you can be great parents even if you are not great spouses. My Ex and I understood that and we got along so much better after we ended our relationship as partners and simply became parents of our child. My son was no longer a victim in our home and has grown to a wonderful man with a wife, children and what I see is a stable and lasting relationship. I think only because I chose to get out, while he was still young enough to teach him what relationship responsiblity really is. It took me a long time to heal from the trauma and effects of my personal youth watching my parents fight all the time. I did not want that for my kids and made sure that they never had to live that way. Whatever you and your husband decide, whether or not you have anything that is meaningful enough to have an inter-personal relationship, decide soon. Don't wait until your son's vision of mom's & dad's or husband's & wives become jaded because of the turmoil of trying to maintain a marriage that could honestly be over. I wish the very best for you and your family. God bless you.

Well, I have always felt that if you stay together JUST for a child it really won't benefit the child in the long run. I did that many years ago. My son was 3 and half when we split and divorced. After the divorce within the first year my ex became a wonderful father. He wasn't during the time we were married meaning he wasn't around much. He was too busy building his career. My son is now 21 and is a fine fine young man. I did re-marry when he was nearly 7. My husband treated him very well and with the help of HIS father (who was a plane flight away not close by) we managed to raise a very fine young man. I think by splitting up we actually did him a favor. I hated it for many years and felt very guilty to take this away from him, but his dad was always there for him and he spent most school breaks and we did the holiday rotation thingy etc. I NeVER denied him time with his dad. I always put that first in front of my own selfishness. I figured it would benefit him in the long run. So think long and hard about it, but don't stay together just for the child. He will survive and probably for the best. ONly you know what kind of dad he is and if you split up he will most likely become an even better dad. God Bless you in your decision.

That depends on 2 things.

1. Do both of you WANT to work things out, truthfully? If not, there's not much you can do.

2. Are either or both of you committed Christians? If yes, faith and prayer can go a VERY long way.

If the answer to either question, but preferrably both is yes, find a really good marriage counselor.

My prayers are with you. I'v been there. It took almost 6 really bad years, but God's grace is incredible. Things are very good now.

If you both want it to work, you should try marriage counseling, it did wonders for my husband and I. It will not always work, depends on what the issues are.

You should not stay together for the children's sake, it will cause more psychological and emotional harm to the children if you stay together and are unhappy, stressed out, and fighting all the time. I see cases like this all the time in my field, and some turn out really bad.

Well truly I know what you are going through and I have asked myself that same question . But really you have to ask your self" How did it make you feel to see your mom and dad fighting all the time ?" Do you want your child to grow up in that way? I don't really think it is best for the child . If you can't work out your differences peacefully and that is all he is seeing and hearing you all fighting , then no it isn't good for the child..

First of all I am going to be very blunt about your situation .... this is not a problem about whats best for your child .... its what best for you and your husband . We as wives can either make the home , marriage , or we can break it . I am coming down hard on us woman cuz we woman have lots of power we don't use ..... I'm not talking about power power , what I mean is that God gave us women a soft heart , the knowlege to look into a man's heart ..a man's heart needs love and understanding from us , he needs respect even if he doesn't deserve it ...once you start changing , then most of the time your husband does too ..... you can make this marriage work , unless you are in an abusive situation , then you need to get out for you and your childs protection , otherwise fight to keep your marriage ..you don't want to be another statistic for the books .... A very good bk. to read for helps is "Love and Respect by Dr Emerson Eggerichs ..... once you get yourself on the right path , then you will look at your marriage differently , you will want to fight to keep your marraige a Heaven on earth , it can be done ..... then the prob of staying together for your child's sake won't be a prob ..... most people who want out of a marriage forget to look at themselves...... and very seldom notice if they make the change first , then some things will change .... don't expect an overnite thing , don't expect your husband to grab ahold of this thing , neither for yourself , but work at it daily in little things , then at all once a month or more will have passed and you may see a slight change in yourself and little by little you can make a diff ...change yourself , not your husband , see what happens .... you can break the divorce chain that your parents laid out , it doesn't have to happen , then it won't be so apt to be passed down to your child ..if you don't break the chain then very likely your son won't know anything diff either ...now is the time to teach him that marriage is sacred and mom and dad love each other , a woman is to be respected and not fought at , this is a prime time in his life to teach and teach and teach .... you change then see what happens ... I'm here if you need someone to "talk" too ...praying for you , Mim

I stayed with my husband for 32 years, unhappily, raised 2 children who are now grown and they ask me why I stayed. It was also the same problem. Your husband can still be in the boys life, so don't let that bother you to much. I am 53 and finally found love. Good Luck and God Bless You. Carolyn

There is absolutely nothing easy about being married or being a parent...that's why we weren't meant to do it alone. My husband and I are both Christians...by the grace of God. If you and your husband really want your marriage to work, turn it over to God. Ask him to take over your life...like the song says, "Jesus take the wheel". Then when you have begun this new life in Christ, he will change your desires. Men need respect and women need love. It is hard to submit to my husband sometimes, but in the end it is better and God gives me the strength. God gave you this life to glorify him. Our lives won't be perfect once we committ our lives to him, but at least his Spirit is with us to help us. I will pray for you. Please contact me is you want to know more..
A.
____@____.com

I kind of fill your pain, although I am not married. Which, you may think my response to your question isn't credible. However, in the end, when the kids grow up and leave home [that is, if you feel you can make it that far], where does that leave YOU? When you think of them honey, that means you are thinking of you.

C H

Staying together for the children is not always a good idea. Children even 4 year old can feel the stress and the tension that the parents are feeling and they started to think that it is their fault. Always tell them that they are loved and no matter what happens they will be taking care of and loved always. I have a cousin that stayed married because of her daughters and her life has been most unhappy because of her decision even now that they are both in college she has stayed married. But everyone feels the tension that they have between each other and the girls tell other people that they should get divorced. I am a Pre-K Teacher and see this a lot and most of the children are unhappy as well. If your decision is to divorce maybe some counseling may be a good idea for everyone. Have you and your husband tried marriage counseling? Well I hope everything will work out for you I will Pray for you.

you have to do whats best for YOU. A child will know if mom and dad are fighting. It's not a healthy environment for a child. If you decide to divorce than no matter what the issue is between your ex husband and you - you have to put that aside and be there for your child. Your child will respect you more if his parents get along even though they are divorced. If there is a school function there should not be an issue for you both to attent.
I am married, but my childrens Godmother, my best friend, is divorced. She raised 3 boys on her own. But, their Dad is highly involved. They do the Birthday parties. School events. sports. and even big problems together. And when it comes to dating other people they do it on THEIR time when the kids arent around. My friend has been dating a guy for a year now and the kids have yet to meet him. Now I think a year is a bit long, but you guys just want to make sure you dont bring in a lot of different people that you date into your childs life.
I hope I was of some help.
Take Care and I wish the Best for you and your family

It is best for a child to have 2 happily married parents. Happy doesn't mean happy all the time, more like most of the time.

Marriage isn't easy. It takes alot of us. I would say if your marriage isn't abusive you should keep trying. Have you tried counseling? Both or just you?

My husband and I got stuck in a rut like that, same fights year after year. Counseling really opened our eyes. Fights take two and so does working them out.

If you are not in an abusive relationship I suggest for you to read The Proper Care and Feedings of Husbands by Laura Schlessinger after you read it ask your hubby if he would read it also (he don't have too but some do)If you read this book going into it with an open mind and wanting to save your marriage and family it will help tramendously! She also has a radio show in the A.M. 106.5 in Union County. If you live in the El Dorado area you can borrow my book? I read it and it really helped my outlook on life in general but I had an extremely abousive type husband so I am divorced with an 11 year old and a 4 year old, its really hard on my 11 year old because his Dad left when he was 7 (not really there for him for a few years prior) my 4 yr old was too little to remember him (5 months old when he left)

CH, I would look back over your relationship since it began 4 years before the birth of your son and see if the relationship was solid and suffering from the shift into parenthood - likely meaning one or both of you are getting less for yourselves than before your child. I noticed in my own situation, we accidentally shifted from lovers to parents with the focus on our child, finances, stresses and pressures and lost the "magic" that brought us together. From there we began to be resentful and that resentment manifested in a number of ways that we took out on each other. I wasn't able to get my head above it to figure it all out as it played out. It actually took a divorce and the pain of healing and remarrying for me to figure it all out. My child was luckier than most in that although her father and I ended up divorced when she was only 8 yrs old, she continued to have her dad in her life every day after school just like always and then I picked her up and we went to our home that she was born in. It had some adjustments but the biggest thing was, she had parents that weren't sniping and under constant duress, so she benefited far better than had we stayed together and put her through the trauma of our unhappiness. Plus, she would have grown up with a warped sense of relationships. As it is now, she sees me happily remarried and no fighting, two people that do things together and enjoy each other. She sees her father continuing his cycle of seeking, involvement, pushing away and starting over - he doesn't have a healthy relationship cycle and I don't believe it was anything my staying with him would have fixed.

So dig deep in yourself for honest answers and see what you find. Was you relationship good and has gone sour? Or was it a whirlwind that didn't have substance for the long haul? And if it was good and went sour, when was the turning points? How was your relationship during the pregnancy - were you close?

You get the idea. The answers are within my friend. My apologies that it sounds trite - I don't intend it to be. It is truly a soul search - if your spouse will go through the process with you, all the better. But be prepared to go through the process alone and be very very honest with yourself. Were you drawn to him because was handsome and good in bed? (physical attraction) or Drawn to him because he doted on you and met your needs? Was that natural for him or something that love altered in him and he couldn't keep it up? And the same questions about yourself.

Hope this helps. Blessings...

Hi to you...my two cents would be One: follow the advice now that the other woman suggested. Our daughter is almost two years old and my husband and I agree that it's very important to not hold heated discussions near her, but when there are small disagreements, we discuss and come back to center (with a kiss and hug) in front of our little one.

Two: counseling is a good idea. My one suggestion with that subject is that you are not afraid to shop around for a doctor that makes you feel comfortable. Someone that you feel like you can relate to and actually make progress with. My first marriage ended because we attempted counseling and the guy was nearly worthless. No solid suggestions, homework, nothing. Don't be intimidated to change around until someone clicks. And if things don't work out...continue counseling for YOU and make sure that you show your children that you are a strong woman with dreams and goals of your own. This way, they understand that every person on the planet has a plan for their life and that you should chase it with everything you have! Give your kids your best and you cannot go wrong. Good luck!

My answer is very short and to the point. If you are only staying with your husband is for the sake of your child, you and your husband will be miserable. As you stated your parents did that and look at how it affected you. Believe me your child will feel the tension and stress between you and his dad. Sometime doing whats best for your child is to remove yourself and him from a bad situation.

Hi,
I think you have to ask yourself if you are still in love with each other. If you are than seek help to get back on track. I have been married for 23 years and it is a struggle sometimes and we could have given up several times but we love each other so have worked through it. There is a great support group out there called Celebrate Recovery. There are different churchs all over the Tulsa area that meet different times of the week. This is a Christ centered 12 step recovery that helps with hurts habits and hang ups and it has saved lots of marriages. The main meetings are together and than the women and men split into small groups to talk about their own issues. What is great is you find people that struggle with the same day to day things that you do and learn how to work through things. I hope that you guys find some peace most of all, staying together unhappily is not what your little guy needs. Good luck. ~ KH

Hey, first off CH, I am sorry to hear about that, my heart aches to hear about marriage problems. I know that marriage can be really rough. I will tell you that in today's world, many a marriage succeeds with God and good communication. May I suggest that you find a good solid Bible-based church and get a good biblical foundation built within you. Also, there are a couple other resources out there "Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman and a magazine titled "Marriage Partnership". I have seen many marriages turn around for the better, including my own. We have been married now for nearly 11 years and there were a number of times where it should have been better for one of us to leave but we didnt, we stuck it out. We wanted to make it work not only for our kids, but for ourselves. I have seen so much divorce in the last several years and many of them with marriages 15+ years, it is the craziest thing! It really is worthwhile to make it work. Now, I will tell you that if you are being abused or if he is cheating on you, then you are not expected to stay in the relationship and you in fact need to get out for both the sakes of you and your son. Many other things can be worked out and you need to remember the reasons you fell in love with each other in the first place. One thing is that having children can be so exhausting that we seldom have much left to give to our husbands, especially if we are working full-time. It's like you don't even have any time for yourself, let alone the man you married! I totally understand! I had to quit working as much, start up my own business and work my hours around my family so that I can have some sanity, and I have 3 kids that are pretty demanding, especially since the youngest is only 6 months old. That quality time with each other is essential because the best thing you can do for your kiddo is to show him that you love each other and respect each other. Hang in there, I'll pray for you!

C H....i'm definately an advocate of keeping a marriage together...have you guys tried counceling? Have you tried the church? My thoughts are that if you have truely tried everything and neither of you are willing to do the work to make the marriage work then staying together for the kids isn't a viable option. If you have the same issues over and over and you know what they are then maybe you just need some help working thru them and some compromise from each of you. You are a product of that situation and stated how you felt about it. Ultimately you and your husband have to make that decision....i'd like to see you work out the issues and make a untied loving family for your son...good luck...R.

My parents divorced when I was in middle school. I had no clue they were unhappy or even having problems. They were one of those couples who could agree rationally on many things, but couldn't live together. Looking back on my childhood from an adult's perspective, I can now see many issues that were in their marriage.

I think it is so very important for our children to see their parents have an argument (no blows, no throwing of anything, not even much raising of the voices). Our children pick up on disagreements just by the tone of our voices. The even more important part is to MAKE UP or resolve the argument in front of the children. This process teaches the children how to disagree in a healthy way, and to not bottle things up inside.

As far as counseling, I would hope that would be an option before breaking up your marriage. Marriage seems to be viewed as a disposable product in our society these days, and that is very sad to me. Try to see a counselor. We found it to be very beneficial for our marriage. I agree with Bobbie Jo (I think that was her name)- the 8-12 years of marrage were the tough ones. Counseling will help you reconnect with the things that brought you together as a couple in the first place, and possibly soften your heart towards each other.

God bless,
J.