Marriage Longevity / Divorce

As a person whose husband is home nearly ALL the time, I now see why retired people get divorced. It is beyond irritating to cook, clean, do laundry, etc... for years then have someone want to supervise.
Also, there is no break from each other and we both need that break.

my parents divorced after 23 years of marriage. It was a blessing. He never allowed himself to be "happy", & she blossomed after the divorce. She finally realized it was not her job in life to cater to someone unable to embrace any semblance of happiness. After the divorce, he continued in his un-merry way....& she moved to an historic tiny village, became civic-minded, & ended up being mayor for 2 terms. She did all of this + worked 40hrs/week. I am very proud of my Mom. & I loved my Dad until the day he died....even if he was somewhat of a bum! :)

my paternal gparents fought like banshees, but we all knew there was some love there....hidden under the screaming! Seriously, he'd sit in the kitchen & she'd be in the living room....& they'd still be yelling at each other! Hard to take as a bystander.....They remained married until the end, & joked about their differences. He used to say, "40 years, married to the wrong woman".....& she'd laugh & say, "Oh, Ray! You're a hoot!"

My DH & I just passed our 30th anniv. He now likes to say my gpa's phrase about being "married to the wrong woman". We do fight, & we'll fight to the end. Currently, I am perimenopausal....& he's losing his memory. Not a good combo! Looking back, the years around our 10th anniv were challenging...as were 20-25.

We have faced more adversity than any other couple in our circle of friends/family, & it's taken a toll on our marriage. Is our marriage stronger? Nope, it's just different.....& that's the key: adaptation - it's the only way to survive. But I do realize that there are many, many situations where adapting means the death/the end of one of the partner's souls.....& that should never be the case. That's "why" my parents marriage ended. If my mom had stayed, she would have "died" emotionally......

It takes both people to want a marriage to work, and both need to work at it to make it happen. I see too many people who want everything to be easy, or want their marriage to be heady love and romance all the time--and when that pink haze of emotional "love" finally wears off, then they are left to deal with the real person and all their problems--problems that had always been there but ignored or not addressed and/or worked on.

My husband and I both come from families where people enjoy long, long marriages, where people don't have affairs, where, if they're not "in love," they love each other enough to stay committed and work through issues.

We may not always agree or like what the other is doing or saying, but we talk things through and we work out problems and issues. I think a lot of people want to have everything, including the new heifer or bull on the other side of the fence. The problem is, that bull or heifer might not be all that you think it should be--should being the important word.

My hubby and I married each other because we loved each other, we believed in marriage til death do us part, we believed in working on something, of crafting a life together, of raising our family together. We weren't interested in having two different households with x number of relatives/fighting over whose side gets the kid for which holiday. We also made sure we had enough interests in common--that our principles and ways we look at things were in synch--and that the way we grew up was also compatible.

I'm not saying our marriage is easy or that life's been easy, but neither of us would ever, ever think of cheating or having an affair. We made a pact a long time ago that if the heifer or bull on the other side of the fence looked better than what we had at home, then a divorce was in order before that heifer or bull was ever pursued.

Neither of us has any gumption or need to chance after someone else. We have more than we can handle pursuing our shared goals and raising our daughter.

Marriage isn't easy. Hubby and I come from a family of long marriages. There have only been two divorces. My Aunt (she is a serial bride so I only count one of the divorces!) and my BIL. He is now remarried and has been for almost 20 years. Hubby and I just celebrated 25 years. To me, divorce wasn't an option so we had to work through the "growing pains". I enjoy his company (most of the time!) and he enjoys mine (all of the time!). We work.

I'm in a "fragile" marriage (great word for it, btw) so I guess I'm not shocked by what other people go through because I have already been so shocked by my own situation that I've learned that you just never know.

I know quite a few couples my age or a little older who are, at the end of the day, waiting for the right time to split up. I have been married 8 years and the past 5 have been very rocky for reasons too numerous to detail here but unless my husband and I both have a huge change of heart, we will most likely split up when our last child is grown, in 15 years. I would guess that many mid-life or retirement split ups are under similar circumstances. Meaning that things happened in the marriage that made the couple know that they don't want to spend the rest of their lives together, but they have committed to raising a family together and are entangled in things like assets and earnings and property and things aren't so intolerable that they need to back out of that commitment right now. They can live with their spouses and even enjoy their marriages for as long as they have to last, and then they can decide later to part ways and either be happy and single or find partners who are better suited for them to grow old with.

its because its tough to have 2 completely diferent personalities try and merge together as one, instead of building eachother up as two diferent seperate people. Thats my thoughts atleast. I was with my ex from 14-26 found out when I was 26 he cheated most of that time, and people cried around us when they found out...i had more calls from people that i had to comfort then comforted M., because they said we were the relatinship that held up as a high standard to try and achieve. Probably because we never fought, had all the same interests, and he was good with romantic gestures..apparently he was for all the girls though..ugh! anywho, i think theres no perfect enviorment or ingredients for a perfect marriage it J. takes two people equally thinking that marriage is impt and putting it very high on the priority list, and not thinking failure is an option and ackowledging when it is suffering and working on it

I come from a long line of long marriages - before my grandpa died my grandparents celebrated 55 year; grandma and grandpa on my moms side will celebrate 60 years in 2012; my parents will be married 38 years in July. I always expected the same - and expected to take it seriously.
I had expetations going into marriage however my husband had no expectations - and no drive to work on any differences. We did the 'Christian thing' and didn't live together until we married, in fact we lived 4 hours away from one another until we got married......I had no idea that my husband had absolutely no drive to work on anything - including our marriage. If I am mad about something and confront him - he hardly says a word then goes on as if nothing ever happened; we've been married 9 years and I don't know of one time he's been angry at me or raised his voice.....he doesn't speak his mind or share any sorts of dreams, etc. It's like living with a roommate you hardly know.
So, I went into it thinking I knew someone (we had lots of fun on weekend visits) and thinking we had the same moral values - I was incredibly wrong.......and more hurt than anything that he really doesn't seem to care to make anything better........

I definitely agree marriage is hard work. You can't have a good marriage without being willing to make it work.

You know, I don't really have too many divorced friends or family members. I know a lot of people who are divorced but that is because of the line of work I was previously in.

My SIL married young (18 or 19) and was married 10 or 11 years when she divorced because her husband had an affair with a coworker.

My husband's coworker had a trial separation because they were going through infertility and the wife went a little nutty and he flipped about her spending habits when he is the one who spends money on "toys." They are back together now. They have been married for 10 years or so.

My cousin is getting divorced because her husband fathered a child with another woman. They were not married long, maybe 3 years, and they married in their early 20s.

My husband's cousin got a divorce after about 5 years of marriage. That cousin's sister has been married for a year and a half or so and is probably getting divorced because she doesn't know if the father of her baby is her husband or some other guy. Both cousins got married in their early 20s.

Of these, only my husband's cousins seemed to have a happy marriages and the divorce just kind of came out of nowhere. With the male cousin the wife just said, I'm not happy. I'm leaving. Turns out she had someone waiting in the wings. With the female cousin...no one ever expected her to have an affair and get pregnant. All the others were having issues prior to the affairs/divorces/separations. Issues they refused to acknowledge or work on.

Overall, I know a lot more people who are happily married than who are divorced.

My parents were high school sweethearts. My dad sent my mom a 'promise ring' when he was briefly in the Vietnam war (how romantic). They got married when he returned had my sister and I.....22 years later, the divorce was official. My father had several affairs and my mom took him back every time. Finally he just decided he was done playing house so he left.
My In-laws are married and don't come across as too happy. I think they live by the motto of 'cheaper to keep her/him'. That, I can't imagine.
My grandfather was married three times, all ending in divorce. He is now with a lady who I believe he knew from high school. They have been co-habitating now for 16+ years! Too funny!
I cherish my marriage. there are times when I get so frustrated with my husband where I have thought, 'Is this what marriage is supposed to be?' Then I say, "Yes, it is like this....at times". It isn't always easy and people like Kim Kardashian make marriage look so disposable. My husband and I went through therapy for years together before and even since we have been married not in an effort to repair our marriage but to see how to understand each other's baggage if you will. I am so grateful that he is understanding of my undiagnosed bi-polar episodes (heehee!) and me of his analytical ways of looking at everything! It isn't easy but anything worth having is worth fighting for!

Interesting question. We don't have a lot of divorces in our family (immediate) but my aunts and uncles have all been divorced. My one aunt was in a miserable marriage and her husband was abusive to both her and her kids (funny thing you find out as you get older and really start talking with cousins, etc) but it still took her forever to kick him out - he actually ended up leaving her because he found another lady (they are since seperated too). Another aunt left her husband when he got a prostitute to celebrate the "birth of his child". Another Uncle was just a notorious philanderer and my aunt finally made him leave after many many affairs. I guess my FIL at one point had an affair on my MIL (when my hubby was fairly young) but they patched it up and were together until he died (my FIL) a few years back. Who knows - I think like you said - it's all about what you see vs. reality - and they are often different things. When my hubby and I were having lots of trouble a few years ago I mentioned renewing our vows to "save" our marriage and one of my girlfriends was shocked - she thought our relationship seemed perfect and had no idea how rough it had been for us. I hope to stay married for as long as possible... :-)

Our whole circle of friends are mostly other members of our church. Out of about 50 or so families I personally know, only four couples have divorced, including both young and older couples. Our church offers a lot of marital counseling as well as teaches people how to strengthen our marraiges and families, and to keep them strong. We believe families are eternal units, not something that will end after death, so we have that perspective going into marriage that this will not be a temporary thing, so we choose partners carefully and really get to know who they are and that our values align. We also focus on building our relationships to respect and truly care for each other, as well as to cultivate themselves to be better individuals. We have strong family values and really emphasize how to be better mothers, fathers, children, how to be more devoted to our families and creating our home a haven for them... So many people do not do that anymore, just get wrapped up in being selfish or falling apart from each other, and letting media and other busy activities to break that away. I do know a lot of people outside of my church who have a much higher divorce rate.

A few little inspirational short videos (just a few minutes long a piece) on what we believe about keeping marraiges strong:

How Do I Love Thee:
http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&index...

Marriage and Divorce:
http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&index...

Let Us Be Men:
http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&index...

A Father Indeed:
http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&index...

The Women in Our Lives;
http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&index...

Motherhood:
http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&index...