My daughter has started to ask questions about sex and I want to give her really good answers that will make her feel empowered and have a healthy attitude about sex. She is 8 years old. I am so conflicted. You see, I was born into a very religious family and was told sex was something God ordained and, after you get married, you want to feel close to your husband...etc. I was very confused when I found out that a girl at school had an older sister who was pregnant in high school. How could that be possible? She wasn't married! --- that was my line of thinking. Fast forward to my life-- I was raped when I was 18. It was brutal and it affected me for several years. My husband and I waited mostly to have sex until marriage and then he became abusive. I want something different for my daughter. I want her to know that sex can be beautiful, that it is worth waiting for until the right time. And, yes, ideally, I would love for her to wait until marriage, but I want to be realistic, too. Any suggestions on how to talk about the subject? She does understand some of the mechanics given that we have attended lambing seasons. Thank you for your suggestions.
I think teaching about emotional readiness, reproductive responsibility and mutual consent are more realistic than teaching about waiting until marriage.
Don't start with sex as the subject - start with HER as the subject. Her body is going to start going through pubertty-induced changes soon, if it hasn't already. Explain to her what those changes are, and segue from there into the topic of sex. Make sure she understands all the nuts and bolts and knows the CORRECT names for male and female body parts, even if you choose to use cutesy nicknames for them at home. If, gods forbid, she should be molested, she needs to be able to be more specific than "He touched my cupcake."
She needs to know that her body and her sexuality are HERS and hers alone, that only SHE has the right to say when and with whom they will be shared.
Don't overload her with too much information too fast - eight is a bit soon to go into the pros and cons of all the various contraceptives available, the finer points of giving fellatio, or how to choose a good ball gag. Watch her reactions and listen to her responses to know when it's time to table the discussion and pick it up again later.
And let her know that ANY time she has a question about ANYTHING, she can ask you and get an honest, accurate answer.
ETA: Our pediatrician's nurse recommended a book called "Our Bodies, Our Selves" for my daughter, and she got a lot out of it. She already knew all the information in it, but it also had things like suggestions for journaling to sort out her feelings, recommendations of other resources, etc.
I don't believe that sex should be exclusively heterosexual, exclusively for marriage, excleusively in pairs, or even exclusively for love. I do believe that any time two (or more) people decide to have sex, that everyone should be on the same page as to what it does or does not mean for them. When one person is madly in love and the other is merely looking for a booty call, THEN you have a problem.
I told her that she didn't need to be married to have sex, but she did need to be sure she was ready. I gave her all the practical reasons that premature sex was a bad idea - possibility of unwanted pregnancy, STD's. I did not give her any religious reasons to wait. My religion has no prohibitions on sex as long as everyone involved is a consenting adult and no promises are being broken, no trusts betrayed.
I would start with a book like American Girls Care and Keeping of You, which is about a lot of things that a girl should know, at an age-appropriate level. SD received it at 9. It's a good starting point.
IMO, you can still instill your values on your child while also giving her tools. Just the other day there was a SuperNanny episode where the parents, who had been teen parents themselves, totally dropped the ball. Their oldest daughter was a teen mom and they'd never talked to her or their other teen about sex or anything other than abstinence. Even if you say "please wait" you should also, as age-appropriate, say "if you don't wait, do this" and give her tools to protect herself. I knew about birth control and STDs but I also knew my mom didn't want me having sex at 15. It's not mutually exclusive. Remember that you are teaching her about life, the universe, and everything and it can be discussed little by little over time. She doesn't need to know everything at 8 or 10 or even 14. It's a long conversation.
Also, I think some of it is helping a girl feel strong and happy and intelligent and capable so that SHE expects more from relationships and knows she is worthy. You've been through a lot and come out the other side. You are a strong woman and can model that for your child.
She is only 8, so you don't need to get into too much yet. You don't want to overwhelm her with info she's not ready for.
There is a good book called It's Not the Stork. I read it to my daughter when she was about 8-9. It's very simple and factual. When I read it to my daughter, I made sure to mention that sex is only for adults and should be between a married couple. I used the book as a guide and ad-libbed as I went along.
There is also a book that covers puberty for girls (but no info on sex). It's called The Care and Keeping of You. It's an American Girl book but you can buy it anywhere (Target, Amazon) It has been a wonderful tool for my daughter. It talks about everything from what to expect as your body changes, to proper hygiene, to how to insert a tampon or use a pad. It's really a terrific book!
Good luck!
Yes all of the above. At the right time, you should tell her everything you shared with.
She is 8 so you don't have to tell her how wonderful it is because she won't understand that feeling and it may just make her more curious. Right now, I would share the simple truth that it is how a man and woman create beautiful babies. Also, babies are a lifetime commitment, so it is important to wait until you are married and are settled in life.
When she is about twice that age or more, you can share with her that sex is special and wonderful, with the right person. That is why it is important to wait for the right guy.
She doesn't have to know everything at once. Keep a good open relationship with her and these talks will come about from time to time, as necessary.
I have an almost 17 year old daughter who I know hasn't yet had sex (she's had MD exams for severe menstrul issues when she wanted me in the room) although some of her peers have, or have come close. She had a close friend from middle school who became promiscuous in high school. My daughter was really conflicted for - but eventually got herself out of that group of "friends" and is now hanging out with a different group. She finally realized that separating herself from this girl wasn't rejecting her - but was protecting herself.
I began to tell my daughter around age 10 the basics about sex. She always understood where babies came from, she was saw me pregnant when she was a preschooler and we explained that women have a womb and a special opening where babies come out (then I had an emergency c-section with her little brother - so there went that concept!). I chose not to use the medical terminology since I didn't want my child to be asking me questions about my vagina in the grocery check-out line as kids will do. (although many people do prefer to use formal medical terminology.)
I am a conservative Christian so I also would love for my daughter and her eventual husband to save it until they're married - but I'm also not naive - and understand the culture we live in, the media barrage, etc. So our discussions have progressed over the years. I explained it like this - God created this really awesome way for a man and woman to connect and become "one" in their deepest being. Sex is amazing and can be so fullfilling if it's done inside a marriage connection. It deepens the connection between a husband and wife. Any kind of sexual intimacy creates a connection, like a super-glued bond of our hearts which is the perfect design. But when we screw stuff up and if that relationship is severed it's literallly like tearing the tissue of your soul apart. Sure, it's possible to heal torn tissue but like a broken bone it's never quite the same after it's broken. And with every intimate relationship that's torn apart, more scar tissue is formed on our hearts. (I was married once before so my daughter knows I speak from experience.)
I've overheard my daughter telling her friends this concept - and she's had a boyfriend with whom she got a little too physically close and got an idea, on a smaller scale, of the tearing apart of your heart. She also got into a one-night make-out situation with someone she felt pressured to be with (since her friend at the time was in the other room with the guy's best friend) and she got a small idea of how empty and hurtful a casual connection could be. It was almost traumatic for her to be so close with someone she hardly knew. Those experiences were like immunizations for her - she wants to avoid them at all costs.
We've also talked about STDs and how they happen and why condoms are better than nothing but still are faulty at preventing STDs and pregnancy but that abstaining is the only certain way to not get an STD. We've talked about how difficult it is to stop the sexual progression with a guy you're crazy about once it's started - and even if you stop it that night, whatever base you've gotten to the next time becomes the starting point of the next encounter. We've talked about people we know who ended up marrying their best friend and how they had no sexual connection for years but were just best friends and how deep their relationship became as friends and the solid foundation that was formed in their friendship.
One of the biggest aids in the prevention of STD, pregnancy and promiscuity is the close connection of a girl and her dad. My husband and my daughter go out for breakfast or dinner at least once a month. He respects her physical space - which she began to change as she became a teen (she used to sit on dad's lap and lip-kiss when she was a little girl but around 12-13 she began cheek kisses and while she'll still cuddle with us on the couch or put her head on my husband's shoulder or hold hands she will no longer go sit on his lap. That's normal and we let her take the lead on setting physical boundaries - that's super healthy. We want to know the kids she hangs out with, they are always welcome in our home, guys are only allowed in-sight common areas such as living room, kitchen, den. They are not allowed in bedrooms, basement, etc.
It's not just one talk or even 3 or 4 - it's more about an open dialogue with your child of comments, questions, open ended inquiries about movies, music, media (why do you think she dresses that way; what's this song about; what is he (she) thinking; etc) I try to ask questions in such a way that my kid comes to her own conclusions - I avoid preaching my opinion.
We also try to control the type of media that comes into our home. I fully realize that when they're at school, at a friend's house, that we can't control it - but we have media controls on our TVs. We don't have HBO, we've blocked all adults channels and most of the MTV type channels. We only allow internet use in common areas of the house and make regular stroll-throughs. The kids also know that their phones are subject to random audits for texts, etc. (Now we're trying to figure out how to control internet usage on their cell-phone which is brand new for us since we only got them smart phone 2 weeks ago.) We make sure our kids know that we're "the boss of them" and as long as they make good decisions they have a long leash and reasonable freedoms - but when they make mistakes we tighten up the lead until they show increased responsibilities.
Finally - grace. Kids make mistakes. Chances are that your daughter will at some point make a huge error in the sexual / interpersonal area of her life. Knowing that no matter what - you'll love her and be there to help her get back up will keep the lines of communication open. We have told our kids many, many times that no matter what - we will out last them, we will never give up on them, we will never give in, we will always love them and no matter how horribly they think they've messed up we will always, always be their mom & dad and have our arms wide open to embrace them. It's not easy and not possible on our own - but that's a picture of the love of God and thru Him we can do all things.
Who knows how this will all turn out. It's kind of easy when they're still 13 and 16 to feel like we've got this thing mastered - but kids are notorious for making us realize our inadequacies and parenting failures. So I won't know for sure for another 10 years if this approach will really work - and I know I'm making mistakes even as I speak - but I think this approach, with lots of prayer and divine intervention, has the best chance of a good outcome for my kids.
Good luck mama - sorry for the really long response!
at 8 she should understand the mechanics (not just from watching lambs being born, but from talking with her mom) and the correct names for body parts.
i'm really glad that you're focused on her having a healthy attitude toward sex. after your experiences, it would be very easy for you to tilt toward hyper-protectiveness.
don't over-talk it. open the door, give her the very basics, and let her guide the conversation. answer questions simply and forthrightly, and don't fall into the spew-too-much trap.
and of course, leave birds, bees and lambs out of it.
good luck, mama!
:) khairete
S.
I guess I believe that a healthy attitude towards sex doesn't involve explaining the mechanics of sex to an eight year old. My oldest will be turning 8 in a few weeks, and personally, I'd like her to maintain some innocence for awhile yet.
I don't understand this movement where people think very young girls need to know about sex, or the anatomy of the opposite sex, or anything ELSE to do with sex.
What does MY eight year old know? Well, she knows her father and I weren't married when we had her. We are now. She knows that God forgives us, and that if we had done things right, we would've been married first. She knows that a man and a woman have a baby together, but that's IT. Mechanics? Why does an eight year old need to know about erections, ejaculation, and so forth?
Sex is beautiful, and it IS an act ordained by God and to be reserved for marriage. I don't think there's any harm in teaching that, because having a loving marriage where you are truly making love vs. just having sex is one of the most beautiful things on this earth, in my opinion.
At eight, I would focus on answering her questions with as little detail as will satisfy her, and don't answer anything that hasn't been asked. She's 8.
If she is 8 and she has started asking you questions, be thankful she is asking you questions because at 8 this is talked about among children at school. I see and hear it as a sub teacher.
That said, sex, bodies, etc should not be "A" talk... the communication about bodies, maturity, respecting bodies, etc starts WAY early in toddlerhood.
Just because you communicate about the topic is not you giving her permission to act. I believe you would much prefer her to get truthful information from you vs what she hears at school.
In our elementary, the nurse does come in the sprng semester of 4th grade to talk to boys and girls (separately of course) to explain bodies, have videos, etc. This is the ONLY info some children get because their parents view it as dirty or are too embarrassed to even talk with them.
Whatever you do, please don't make her think sex is dirty, etc. If you feel you can't talk to her one on one, get in the car and drive. Most of all LISTEN to her and let her questions be your guide. Be honest with correct body parts, etc.
The books mentioned in posts below are good books.
Good luck.
"Isn't it Amazing" and "It's Perfectly Normal" are two books I've used with my daughter. They are age appropriate, and cover all the aspects. You'll want to review them first, of course.
My daughter really appreciated "The Care and Keeping of You". She read that when she was 8 or 9. It covers all aspects of puberty but not sex.
I think the most important thing to remember is to make this an on-going conversation, not a "talk". She needs to know that you are OK with whatever question or topic she wants to know about, or tell you about. If you can continue that trust through her teenage years, you'll both have a much easier time.
And, I think 8 is a good time to provide answers and information, otherwise her friends at school will. (A cousin shared it all with me by the time I was six.)
Some really great books:
"Where Did I Come From?: The facts of life without any nonsense and with illustrations." by Peter Mayle
"What's Happening to Me?: An Illustrated Guide to Puberty" by Peter Mayle
"A Very Touching Book:...for little people and for big people..." by Jan Hindman
And I agree with Kindred Spirit S., it is very important that you are able to work through all of your unresolved issues with a good counselor. I know that healing myself was what allowed me to really be able to be clear with my children and available to them in a much more nuetral manner.
My daughters are 7 and 10. My 10 year old started asking questions around age 8, so I bought The Care and Keeping of You (the American Girl book). It has all kinds of topics related to puberty, and I think is a very good resource for girls this age. So she read it, and I asked if she had questions, and we talked about her questions and concerns. This year in school (she's in 5th grade), they have a science unit about health. They learn about the whole body, but then also they discuss human reproduction and the mechanics of that. I thought she would have some questions for me about that, but mostly she is horrified and disgusted by the stomach (bile! acid! eeew! ;) and large intestine (poop! gross!). She took the reproduction discussion in stride, and is pretty sure that since boys are sooooo disgusting, she will never want anything to do with any of them in THAT way. LOL
My 7 year old (she's almost 8) doesn't seem interested in any of this yet, so I've just left her alone about it. She asks questions about all kinds of stuff all the time, so I know when she does become curious, she will ask questions.
All in all, I kind of dreaded "the talk" but so far, it has been fine. I just ask what questions they have, and answer as honestly and factually as possible. Kids this age really don't need TOO much detail.
I am lucky enough to live in Seattle, where we have our very own expert on how to talk to kids about sex, Amy Lang! Google her name, or "birds and bees and kids" - she has a very informative website, references to all kinds of resources, even web classes you can sign up for. Some friend's and I did an in-person workshop with her and it was great.
The best takeaways were: keep it simple, just the facts plus your values. Answer questions honestly. Try to talk about it in small, regular conversations throughout their whole life, rather than one "The Talk". And my favorite advice was, books are NOT cheating - you can get an age-appropriate book for your child to spark the conversation.
Good luck to you, Mama!
