Hello,
My sister told me, that our mother, found condom's in her daughers purse (dauther's grandmother found the condoms). My sister was at work at the time and was told about this by our mother.
My niece is 18 years old but she is not a mature 18 (dispite the fact that she maybe having sex. My sister has no idea of how to approach this subject and can't quite find the words to deal with this situation. She did tell me that she did not plan to tell her not to be sexually active but to protect herself. She also wanted to stress to her that she (the mom) was not going to raise anymore children in the event that she becomes pregnant.
Personnaly I have no idea of how I would deal with this situation. I have boys who are not at this stage and I have aways to go before I find myself dealing with something like this.
I'm looking for some opinions from some mom's who have dealth with this. Or just another opinion from someone.
thanks.
Thanks for your responses. I still think of my niece as this little girl even though she is 18 years old. And I have to remember she not a child anymore. It's sort of hard because we never talked about sex when I was growing up. It was just expected that you just won't do it. I feel that she should not be having sex because I really don't feel that there is a point to it and she has more important things to focus on. But what do I know.
just within the last few days, Oprah has been doing shows with a reputable childrens dr. go to her website and you can get all of the info. my son is 13 and i have found the shows to be very informative and helpful!
Hi B.
My daughters just 6 but I do think about this every once in a while. I plan to talk about respecting her body. That while it may feel good it's not always the right time for sex. The importance of haveing it with the right person. That emotional health is as important as physical health, having sex with the wrong person will make you feel bad after wards even thought it's fun at the time. And waiting may be the best thing for taking care of her emotional self. The body is not just a playground for fun. Teach them how not to get pregnant, and all health stuff w/ std's and such. But strive ever for respect, if they respect themselves it should be easier right??
Best of luck! A. H
B.,
I am a parent of a 13 year old boy and an almost 11 year old girl; and, I'm also a youth leader for Jr. and Sr. High Youth. When I speak to them, as hard as it is, I just speak the truth. I talk about the consequences of sex, beyond pregnancy and disease, to include emotion responses. Of course, there are kids who do it anyway and they have experienced the consequences. What I have found is that, even if you (anyone) isn't willing to raise another child (don't blame her at all), the "child" still has to have some to talk to and be supportive. In one instance, the young lady who became pregnant was so afraid I would be angry with her, that she was afraid to talk to me. Now once we talked, she knew I was disappointed but that I loved her anyway; and, I was blessed to be her birth coach. She is raising her baby. But the key is to tell the truth. I remember on a Parent Talk radio episode, Dr. Carlson talked about having these discussion in the car when driving because the lack of eye contact can help control some of the embrassassment that comes on both sides. I hope that everything turns out well, and you are all in my prayers.
B.
I know that abstinence teaching is poohooed these days by the media etc... but it is the only foolproof way to guarantee no babies, STD's or emotional/physical problems related to having sex.
I'd say your sister's totally failed on teaching her 18 year old anything at this point, not that she should give up, but lets face it, she's and adult now... This teaching (whatever one chooses to do) needs to start at adolescence. Girls are starting their period younger and younger these days, so 10-12 is really high time for both boys and girls. Boys learn a lot in the school yard and from sex ed in school. Children are highly sexualized these days, compare clothes young girls wear today with what we wore at their age... Plus the music and TV stuff just bombards them. I've heard stories of 2nd grade boys acting sexually (aggressively) towards young girls. So my point in all of this is, don't wait on your own boys. Start teaching them stuff about our bodies being private, even at their ages. As they get to be school age, you might need to start with a few birds and the bees stuff. There are great books and videos these days that talk about this stuff on kids levels, so that can help if you're not excited about having "the talk". Keep things simple when they're younger and more detailed when they're older (10-12).
As for teenagers, the most important thing is that they're comfortable talking to you about their lives. Talking about the everyday stuff comfortably makes the harder stuff easier. Let them know you're totally open to talking about any questions they have, and won't be offended or embarrassed by the questions. As they start having an interest in the opposite sex, encourage dialogue about who they like and what does it mean to "go out" for their age level - you'd be surprised probably by their answer.
My mom thought she'd covered this well with us, and certainly she did answer all of our questions and give us good biological explanations, and had good books that showed how everything worked. However she didn't want us to be "boy crazy" so it was easier to keep all those thoughts and feelings to ourselves. I was too embarrassed to talk about that type of thing with her because I was afraid she'd think I was too interested in boys and that sort of thing, so make sure your kids are not afraid to do this.
Lastly, its important for your sister to talk with your niece about the condoms, and how she feels about sexuality. She might have them on her to "stay cool" and show guys she's up for anything, or she might be actively sexual. Its important to figure all that out and be prepared for her to continue in sexual behavior as she's received no guidance otherwise. She needs to understand the risks of STD's, Cervical cancer (as being sexually active early ups your risk), pregnancy etc... Also that having an abortion is not a quick and easy solution, she will have lots of emotional baggage from that. Giving a baby up for adoption (probably the best solution) isn't easy either and she will have lots of emotional baggage from that as well. Raising a kid on her own, or even if your sis was willing to help, is not a picnic either and will rob her of her education, remaining childhood and freedom. And finally even without the risk of the above, the emotional scars from broken relationships are devastating, and marrying the wrong person because you're not thinking clearly due to your physical relationship will be something that will ruin her adult life. Being sexually active outside of a committed marriage relationship is a recipe for disaster in every way. I understand how hard it is to do this in our current culture, but abstinence is still the best route in the end!
Best wishes for your family and your sister's family!
Unfortunately, if she's 18 years old she probably is having sex and I'd be more surprised to find out she's not. I'd be happy to find the condoms because then it makes me think that she is protecting herself. It also seems to me that sex/pregnancy/disease is something that she should already be well aware, but if no one has ever talked to her about these things then someone needs to do so quickly. Since she's 18 I think the conversation should be very open, honest and direct.
In an age-appropriate way, these are conversations I've already had with my 11 year old son and I strongly believe that the sooner parents start talking to their kids about these issues the better. To me, it's the whole "knowledge is power" thing. By the time my kids started school they already knew where babies came from - again, in an age-appropriate way. I think parents really need to start laying the foundation for good communication about these things when their kids are young so as they grow up it's easier to teach them the things they need to know.
Good luck!
hello B.
being a mother of 5 girls and having my first one at a young age because of not knowing the right way to go about it i make sure to open a to protect my daughters i tell them i much rather they not do it but we all know that not the case so with my oldest one i got her this thing call lampuno it good for three year and it goes under the arm it one of the few that med wont interfear with i also stress condom at all times and keep a paper sack of them under the sink i guess tell your sister take her out to lunch and when she got a mouth full of food toss her a box of condom a some other info on birth control like the one under the arm depo and maybe the ring and tell her to pick one and make that app and get and the garasil if that not already done tell good luck sorry so much to say
I think your sister was practicing on you. :-) I would start it off with saying that I have no idea how to say this, but I'll just come right out and say it... If you do, use these... Much rather you didn't (do it)... But your 18...and see where the conversation goes. I would also insist on the "boy/man" come over for dinner and basicly tell him that he'd better be careful also... I know my hubby would probibly ask the boy/man when he's planning the wedding for. :-)
I guess she would also ask why grandma was digging in the purse...
I have a 7 yr old and am scared about the "what ifs" when she get to the point boys don't have cooties anymore...
Oprah had an amazing segment on this subject yesterday. You might want to check Oprah.com for some excellent advice from noted sex expert Dr. L. Berman.
thank goodness she had condoms! she's at least being smart...we think...
it would most likely be a good idea to recognize that one positive part of it.
she should be told that although you guys don't condone her behavior, you realize that by law she is an adult, and that it is natural for her to be engaging in it. give her the most information you possibly can, about disease and pregnancy...focus on the disease...there are so many people that are naive and believe that you can't get an STD from acts like heavy petting and oral sex...tell her you can!
instill in her that it is HER choice...and not to be pressured by the men, things like that.
Someone must be doing something right, since she's 18, hasn't had this talk yet, and knew enough to have condoms.
She's 18 for cripes sake. Let her do what she wants. She's old enough to make her own decisions. If she hasn't been talked to about sex yet, you all missed the boat on that! She's obviously already being responsible or she wouldn't have condoms. She's plenty old enough to make her own decisions.
Why is her mom going through her purse anyways?
B.,
Obviously, it would have been prudent to have this conversations years ago. However, now, I think Mom needs to know if she is sexually active. THe only way to find out is to ask. If the answer is yes, or an unconvincing no, the next step should be a trip to the gyno's office. She should be examined for any STDS. The Gyno can also talk to her and Mom about the dangers of sex and ways to protect herself from pregnancy and STDS.
It is probably a good idea for any 18 year old, sexually active or not, to start seeing a gyno anyway.
Good luck.
I haven't read the responses but can assume many have let you know 18 is way late for beginning a teen discussion about sex. She's an adult now. It sounds like she's got some handle on it since she has protection. Whether she has a healthy attitude about sex and relationships, I couldn't say. But, my advise to you is begin to prepare yourself for the situation with your boys. I'm shocked how early it starts. I had to tell my kids at ages 7 and 8 because they were finding stuff out on their own. A boys dad is the most effective, I think, but if he's not prepared then you'll need to figure out the best way yourself. I showed them a very simple, technical description from the Dorling Kindersly Illustrated Encyclopedia. It was just right.
My 14 year old daughter and I were talking about sex again this past weekend. Not one of my favorite subjects to discuss with my teen, but an important one. We live in an age where sex is glamorized. It's everywhere--in music, tv, schools, everywhere. I have to agree with the other mom's post that knowledge is power--the sooner you talk to kids about it the better. I've always told my daughter that you live with the choices and decisions you made. Why put yourself in a situation where you may end up having to make a very difficult decision like abortion or adoption or raising a child by yourself??? Also, I tell her that sex is a very powerful force and it can be dangerous (STDs) and it change your whole life. It's always a good idea to put a little fear in them to get them to hopefully, stop and think before doing an act that may have detrimental consequences. I stress to my daughter that she should focus on having fun with her girlfriends, education, independence and someday, work up to making wise career choices, but life is not always that easy in this sexually glamorized world. Share with her that raising babies as a single parent can be a difficult responsibility and it still has a stigma attached to it (being a single parent at one time, I know this from experience). It's also tough when you do not have a father involved or a family to use as a support system. Hope some of my opinions prove insightful for you.
Good luck,
MC
