When and How to Talk to Kids About Sex?

It's Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex, and Sexual Health by Robie H. Harris and Michael Emberley. My 8 year-old daughter and I have been through the whole book twice already. She has always asked a lot of questions, and I always give a complete answer. My mother and I didn't talk much about sex, periods, or anything related. I will not make that mistake with my daughter as it caused me embarrassment, shame, fear, and led to poor choices on my part.

I agree with the other responder who said you can't be "too frank" with a 12 year-old.

I don't see how a book about sex for a 12 year old can be too frank. She needs to know it all at this age so she can make good choices. She is (sorry) old enough to come home pregnant and with a lifelong STD so although it may not be easy, it is necessary. Doesn't she have sex ed at school - I would have thought they would have a least covered the mechanics and STDs by this age?

"Too frank" is exactly what an almost at puberty child needs to know. She's not a 4 year old who still uses the words heinie and pee pee. Fantasy sex ed isn't going to help anyone and may in fact harm your child once she DOES get into boys. Along with a truthful, factual sex ed - you also need to incorporate self esteem and not allowing others to talk you into something you aren't ready to do.

At 5 years old, I've already told my daughter that when a woman and man care a lot for each other, they spend some time alone. Sometimes a baby is made, and it grows in the uterus of the new Mommy. She knows it's the vagina in which the baby is supposed to come out of, that Mommies should breastfeed their newborns and that most Mommies and Daddies stay together to raise the child.

When she gets to 10 y/o - I will probably get into a very detailed explanation of what occurs when the man and woman spend alone time - - but by 12 y/o, that's a bit old to finally have the talk.

I have a daughter who is 28, a son 22, son 21 and son 15 1/2. we started having conversations when the middle boys were about 4 and 5 and the daughter was about 11. they started out as just random conversations that would take a swing into that territory. Sometimes they would be funny sometimes serious. But they would happen at random times. Just before bed, at a restaurant, on way home from church etc. like a previous poster said in the car is great they can't leave. My boys used to come in when I was getting ready for bed. or I was in bed and they would lay down next to me and talk. Lights were dim, no eye contact etc.... they would talk till one of us fell asleep. Husband was a lot of times out of the room for these conversations as for whatever reason the kids were always more comfortable talking to me not him. But on the whole we talked as a family a lot. But we have had the whole wait till your married, it needs to be a committed relationship, protect yourself, changes in your body ect..... one of the first conversations about my sons body was related to shower time. I would ask did you wash everywhere did you pick up all appropriate parts and wash under and around. this of course sent them sailing into laughter. its good if they are not embarrassed or angry when your trying to talk. Had a really random conversation when the older boys were in like 10th and 11th grade. started out about a girl they called the "hood rat" I thought I knew what they meant but wanted more clarification lol. my daughter was married but home for a visit for this conversation. I said about the hood rat girl you can't date her my daughter spoke up and said but if you do get some condoms so you don't get trapped with her. middle son was about 15 or maybe 16 and said you can get them at the drug store older son says no just go to 7-11 they sell them there. I had no idea at that age that they were already aware of where to go and what to get. So have the conversations often and early so they are prepared and know what is and is not acceptable. fyi they didn't go out with the hood rat girl lol.

I hate to tell you but some 12 yr olds are already sexually active.
She needs the info before she develops any interest in it and/or before any boy develops interest in her.
That way some boy won't be able to take advantage of her without her knowing what's going on.
There are 6 billion people on the planet and most if not all of them are here because their parents had sex.
Teens did not invent sex no matter how much they want to think they did.
I don't get why parents get so squeamish about this.
It's what made them parents and it will eventually make them grandparents but hopefully not before their kids are adults and can support themselves and offspring.

i can see wanting a little less frankness with a little, but a 12 year old? give her the respect a girl on the cusp of puberty deserves by treating her like an intelligent being.
nothing wrong with just giving her the book if it makes you blush. so long as she is comfortable coming to you with questions, you don't have to be the *educator* per se. but it is important that she doesn't sense hesitancy or inability to discuss the matter on your part.
i'd swallow hard and err on the side of frankness.
khairete
S.

I doubt the book is too frank. You're just wanting to tip-toe into the subject when really you need to dive in. She's 12, so she's hearing things at school. It's much better for her to hear things from you than her friends.

I'm going to link to a book (it's very small and you can look through it together) that I wish I had had when my older daughter was young. I am much better with my second daughter at talking about all of this.

Edit: And someone said the Bible for a sex talk? Where in the Bible does it talk about STDs, teen pregnancy, birth control and oral sex? Just wondering.

Also, sometimes it's easier to talk in the car because you don't have to look at each other. I had a friend who did most of her talking on this subject in the car.

http://www.amazon.com/Want-Talk-About-Dating-about/dp/078...

I agree with the moms who have suggested that you are not doing your daughter any favors by shying away from a book that you call "too frank". She's 12, I don't think there is such a thing as too frank at her age. She deserves honest communication and all the facts.

Why do you need a book? Sex is a biologically necessary function, yet a very intimate one. I think it is too personal of a subject to learn about it from a book. You've had sex...she is eventually someday going to have sex...I don't see why the trepidation. But start now, and keep the conversation ongoing....let her know that she can talk about it...and keep talking about it. She is far less likely to experiment early or make you a grandma earlier than you would like if you do that.

Also, I am willing to bet money she already knows more information than you would imagine. Kids learn early, and talk alot at school.

A trick my mom used for these talks...talk while driving in the car. Your alone, she can't leave (and neither can you :) ) and there is no eye contact. My mother and I had some pretty frank discussions while running errands.

The book suggestions everyone has are great. I like the American Girl series of books on changing bodies and feelings.

But for factual information on sexuality, the book It's Perfectly Normal is probably the best I've found on the topic. It is EXTREMELY frank and open, but in all honesty, that's exactly what you need. If you feel uncomfortable reading it with her, allow her to spend time with it alone and then approach her gently with questions or to see if she needs clarification. At this age, kids can gather the information they need on their own while you stand by for support. The other part of that is YOU have provided the source for the information. What you don't want is for her to find out at school by a comment or an action that she doesn't understand.

I have the opposite problem, a 12 year old son who knows WAY too much!
I signed up for an account on Urban Dictionary so I could keep up with some of the slang that he throws around, some of which is HORRIFYING!
I think I might have to post a separate question for him! Thanks for reminding me and I hope all goes well for you both!

Good for you for going above and beyond sex ed at school--coming from the parents in addition to school info is vital IMO. Mine is still 2 so thank God I don't have to think about that yet. I would definitely find a book that is frank but one that you are comfortable with as a family. No offense to the religious--but just bible verses are not going to help your daughter from STD's and pregnancy.

About the frankness issue--while that book may not present some of the extra details in the way you deem appropriate, I do think it is important to talk about oral sex and other sexual activities because many girls now give up oral sex to a guy so they won't get pregnant, while risking getting an STD and also being used by a guy sexually.

just talk to her and give her the basics and let her know if she wants to know more she can come to you or her dad

I like It's Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex, and Sexual Health by Robie H. Harris and Michael Emberley -- It's aimed at kids 10 - about 14. I agree that by 12, you need to be pretty frank with kids. She should know this information before she needs to know it, or else it might be too late. I've found that having these books around (having kids of various ages, we have their books for 3 different age levels) but not pushing it means that my children read what they're ready for when they're ready for it.

By 12, I would be surprised if she didn't already know about it, through her friends and schoolmates.

Meanwhile, this stuff should be discussed as age-appropriate throughout their lives -- it shouldn't be left to ONE discussion.

All my kids knew about periods (boys included) without me ever saying anything. They saw tampons, they'd hear me mention stuff -- I never made a secret of bodily functions so they all just learned about it.

You don't need to talk about it in "depth" -- it's not really that deep of a subject. I would say something like, "You should be starting your period soon, let me know if you see any blood and we will go buy you something from the drugstore." I think you'll discover she knows all about it. If she's never heard of periods by 12, she is very sheltered.

In response to one answer below: Come on, the bible is good for a lot of things, I'm sure, but teaching girls about their periods?? Come on.

At twelve years old I knew about sex, but I didn't know the details. Which I actually learned through the years.
My mom didn't tell me much about periods and what they were for. We went for a ride one day, and she then said that one day I'll find blood on my panties and that it's normal. When I do come and talk to her. That's all. When it finally happened she got me pads and said congrats, your a woman.
I applaud that you are wanting your daughter to know more about sex. I wish I did. Not to go out and have sex, but to be educated. Not to when I'm 19 finally figure out exactly why we have a period.
When I was 19 I went on to webmd, they have a lot of detailed information about the reproductive system. They have a section called Teen Sex. It's a little survey you can take and then creates a list of what and how to talk about it. Hope this helps!

Hi Terilu, I always think that some of the responders never properly read the post and answer with things that have no connection to the topic. I think you should ask her what she knows about sex and go from there. A poster said she probably knows a lot and has friends, but that doesn't mean she is getting the right information. As far as books I would go to the library and browse through their selection and see what would make you comfortable. Good luck, even though it is a topic we all have to discuss with our kids it's still a tough one.

Talk to the reference or children's librarian at your local library. Pre-veiw the books they suggest and use them. When we certify in child care for our CDA certificate we have to build a reference library list and that is one of the ways we find all the different books for the topics we have to have on the list. Others are how to talk to your child about a family with two moms or two dads, about families with different colors of parents, people with obvious disabilities like a wheelchair or no legs, different ethnic or culture groups/families. Lots of different topics and lots of different books.

You could look up bible verses and share those with her and them explain further. There is no need for a picture book (which is what my mom used when I was 11!)

I bought my 9 year old niece the American Girl book called The Care and Keeping of You, The Body Book for Girls. It seemed to answer all her questions and she even asked me to explain some issues about her body. I also went to Half Price bookstore and looked under health and self help books since your daughter is older she might need a more advanced book.

I have a 13 yo son and I found the book A Chicken's Guide To Talking Turkey With your Kids About Sex by Dr. Kevin Leman. It is really good and helped me.

This is a scary subject and how to handle it can mean so much to your daughter. I remember watching a show on Oprah a few years back about two 14 yr olds saying "they are ready to have sex". I believe they had Dr. Laura Berman on the show. She didn't tell them not to but asked them questions and made them answer to make up their own minds. She would ask them questions like:

Why do you think you are ready?
What would you do if you got pregnant?
Are you ready to be a parent?
How would you feel if you two were to break up (w/or w/out pregnancy)?

These questions (and more I am sure) made them think. While the boy (of course) still wanted to have sex the girl decided not to...then wouldn't you know it they broke up shortly after. I tried finding the interview on the web but couldn't find it. I did find is the show "how to have the sex talk with your kids".
http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Talking-to-Your-Kids-A...

http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Download-Dr-Laura-Berm...

This is a link for her hand book on how to talk to your kids and other stuff.

I have three girls myself (6, 8 and 12) and we use the book series "Gods design for Sex”. There are four books and they are all age appropriate. You can even read the books with your children, they read what the child role and you read the parent role. It's like they are asking your questions w/out being embarrassed or not knowing how to ask. And us parents saying enough...but not too much for their age.

Since we have opened these books, my girls have been open to me. My oldest hasn’t started her menstrual cycle yet but tells me every detail of what's going on with her body in that way. This is TMI but the other day when I was in the kitchen preparing food she came up to me to tell me that she had a lot of wetness and discharge all day long. I told her jokingly that there is a time and place to talk about these things and her comeback was “but mom, you said I can talk to you about anything anytime”. I just had to laugh.

http://www.christianbook.com/gods-design-for-sex-books-re...

I hope this helps.