Socio Economic Status and Friendships

I never think about socioeconomic status, per friends.
That is never a factor in who my friends are.
I have friends of all types.
And I never do the keeping up with the Jones' type thing.
Nor feel I have to.
I do what I am and can or cannot do.
My friends are not the types that play keeping up with the Jones' either.
Even if they are rich. Or not.

It's hard, especially if you start out that way mainly because different socio-economic groups value different things.

I think if you have a solid friendship and then one friend jumps or drops soci-economic status, then it doesn't affect as much.

I believe socio-economic status does not have to be a factor in relationships. However, as you've found, it does get awkward at times. I suggest that with time you and your new friend will work out a way of relating.

I suggest she is disappointed that she cannot afford a gym membership but that doesn't mean that she will be less of a friend or that you'll be less of a friend because of it.

I've had friendship cross socio-economic boundaries as well as other boundaries such as they're married or have children, are in school, or in a different occupation. What matters is whether or not you enjoy each others company. I does take time to work out the ways in which you're comfortable with each other.

You're feeling the awkwardness of a new friendship in which you really don't know what she was thinking. This gives you an opportunity to talk about your differences as well as similarities and how to manage them.
Having this conversation can make you closer to each other or can show that the friendship won't work.

Please do not feel guilty. What do have to feel guilty about? That you have more money than she has? Should you then give away your money so that you can be equal money wise? Should you not join because she can't? I say no. Find the other things that you have in common and focus on those with each other.

Unfortunately, it is hard because one person cannot afford to do all the fun stuff that the other can afford. The one who can afford it may offer to treat and that may be okay, once or twice, but not all the time. So there will be many things both might WANT to do, but few things that BOTH can AFFORD to do. At some point, you will naturally gravitate to those people who can afford to do what you want/like to do.

Is it hard to have serious friendships outside of your socio economic status?

No. Not for me at least.
I have friends that are really struggling and friends that make 10x what we make. Friends that have tiny little houses, and friends who live in McMansions.

I find the O. thing that makes it "easier" and more "comfortable" all the way around is just to be honest!

If someone mentions doing something we can't or won't afford, I just say "Wow! That sounds awesome, but too rich for my blood!" or similar.

Life is not a competition. The person who dies with the most toys does not win! But some people haven't learned this yet.

I like to be able to sleep at night knowing that we own what we have and that we can meet our bills comfortably.

Hi. I understand.
You sound like a considerate and thoughtful person.
I would do what is best for you and your family. first.

With friends that perhaps cannot afford it, I would not walk on egg shells.
But, i would not highlight that aspect of your life.

That is, don't hide yourself. be yourself.

Which is a caring and sensitive person, that values what she has and feels blessed and grateful for everything. gym memberships and friendships.

best, Jilly

I'm not sure how much I would like myself if I felt I had to pay $200/month to keep my friends, rich or poor.

Great question!

We are a financially stable, not struggilng, but not raking it in. Our kids attend a private Catholic school because we live in a very bad school district. Many, many of our school families are well off and live in large houses, drive expensive cars and take expensive vacations every year. There are certain moms who flaunt their good fortune and others who don't. I am friends with three moms (two are sisters and one is their cousin). They are all fairly well off, but are the most down to earth, humble people. They are friends with everyone and could care less how much money someone has or how big their house is. Unfortunately, they are also friends with a mom who is extremely well off and looks down her nose at anyone who isn't. She blatantly ignores me and invites them to hang out in front of me without including me. I could care less because I don't want to associate with someone like her anyway, but it's funny how some people just think they're better than others.

When situations come up that I can't afford, I just say we can't make it to that. I don't mention cost being a factor, and they're gracious enough to not ask my reason for not going.

I agree. We have friends with gigantic houses and things we simply cannot afford. However, we also (as an example) share a love of camping and can rough it with the same level of comfort, even though we got most of our gear at Target. You might consider her POV when discussing things like the expensive memberships and table those in-depth conversations for later for just the people going to the gym.

You might also find time to tell her how you value your friendship with her and you love that you can share your artistic talents with her in ways that not everybody can relate to. And maybe you'll find out what she was really thinking vs speculating.

I don't think it's necessarily hard to have serious friendships outside of your socio economic statues, but it can be difficult or awkward at times. I've been on both sides with friends, being the poor one and the better-off one. It is harder being on the poor side. I can't tell you how many times I've turned down eating out in my life!! I think the key is that if it's a serious friendship then try to be understanding and tactful. As many times as I turned down invitations, I'm glad I got the invitations. That at least told me that they enjoy my company enough to invite me. Your friend is probably just bummed that there is yet another cool thing she has to miss out on. She doesn't even get to question it like you can, she knows it's way out of her budget. I think it comes down to treat others as you want to be treated. When I'm the better-off person I'm very understanding when people turn down an invite because of costs, so I don't try pushing the issue at all. If you do end up doing the gym/spa thing, I'd keep that topic on the downlow with this other friend at first. She'll be less sour about it later :)

Jane:

I know people who are unemployed and have been for several years.
I know people who own their own businesses and earn a decent living - although that's changing (thanks to our Government).
I know people who make $50K a year.
I know people who make $1M or better a year.
I know people who have trust funds - like $6M trust funds.

I hang out with these people. We don't let money or keeping up with the Jones' stop us from being friends. Just because people make decent money doesn't mean they don't understand others financial stresses. You live in San Clemente - which is a (or at least was) a VERY nice area when I lived in CA.

Things like this will put a wedge between people if they don't know how to talk about it. EVERYONE has different priorities in life. Seriously. One of my close girlfriend's can spend $500 in one day and not blink an eye. She KNOWS that I can't do that. She doesn't splurge in front of me. She doesn't do it to show off. That's HER lifestyle.

Talk with this friend - since she's new - is it worth it to you and find out what her priorities are. I know I had a gym membership ($95 p/mo) that included a kid care and one free 60 minute massage a month. It was great. LOVED IT. But I wasn't using it so I canceled it. It's a 3 day trial. Maybe she KNOWS she can't afford the $200 (which I think is a tad high for ANY gym membership) and doesn't want to get hooked in 3 days knowing it's something she can't do.

I assume she may think that you will not be available to hang out very much. Just make this new friends know that she isn't going to *lose* your companionship just because you join.

Different socioeconomic status' can be a problem for either party, if they let it be. Let her know you won't let it be, it's good to tell a friend how much they mean to you and how happy that you got to know her & value her friendship.

Yes, it is weird.

But only at the beginning. It's weird because as a society we rarely compare paychecks, so her finding out (on accident) so soon into the friendship is the weirdness. It'll pass.

If she found out a year after you met, it'd still be weird, but you'd have more of a base of friendship to know each other's cues and it'd be easier to move the money issue to the background.

My best advice - act like you've been friends for a year. If you show/feel comfort that this is just one of those transient issues you may differ on and will soon pass - she'll pick up on that and it'll be a non-issue.

But don't offer to treat for lunch - for at least 3-4 months. :)

I don't think it's hard depending on the individuals. In this case, if you join and start flaunting how great it is, likely it'll end this friendship. But you don't sound the type at all to do that. She likely is thinking 'darn, we can't afford that and now Jane will be going all the time and become better friends with all these other mothers and I'll be left out." She has a legitimate fear but it doesn't mean you shouldn't join or you should let what she's picturing happen. If you go ahead, mention it to her but say "if you guys don't want to do it, that's great bc then we can still go do xyz." That will reassure her you're not going to just move on. And then make sure you don't spend all your time at this club. I also would say "don't want to" versus "can't". We have friends with different financial profiles and it's not a problem on our end. If we know friends don't have a lot of cash to burn, we pick nonexpensive thigns to do with them and do the more expensive things with other friends. Some old friends though have gotten very caught up in some rich new friends' lifestyles and blown us off. I think the wife is just a major social climber so who cares? Not the type of people we want to stay friends with anyway and I feel sorry for her as she will never really be able to easily keep up with these new friends and who wants that stress? I think money differences can easily be worked around if everyone wants them to be.

Absolutely.

As others posted, my friends are my friends because we have common interests and values. It's not always about doing stuff and buying stuff. It's the emotional connection.

Of our friends we're probably in the middle, but I don't know for sure. It's not like we compare financial portfolios.

Great question.

Overall, I think it is difficult to be close friends with someone who's financial status is much higher or lower than yours. You never want money to come between the friendship.

Most of our friends have a similar economic status.

Most of my serious friendships are based on emotional connections vs. finances. Some of them are more well off than us but that never got in the way.

It can be difficult if it is an issue for one or more parties. If they choose to make it uncomfortable, yes I think it is a choice to allow it to be an issue. Most of my friends are with in my status but I am also mostly around people in my status in general.