14-Year-old Daughter's Friend's "Lifestyles" Are Breaking Us! (Long, Sorry!)

This question just makes me tired. We've gotten 3 girls through the teen years and they never had this stuff. We often heard about what their friends had. We just couldn't do it. It's not a contest. It's life and better to learn now that it's expensive. In a year she can work at McDonald's. In the meantime she needs to take a class for babysitting and start earning some money of her own. I think you are being generous with a 20 dollar allowance.

My sister was very much like this growing up. She never understood money and kept asking my parents for more and more. She is now in her 40's, 3 kids, and just lots her house, and filled bankruptcy.

You should teacher her the value of money. You can't keep spending you don't have, and living the life style you can't avoid.

her allowance should cover all of this extra stuff. I am not saying you should give her enough allowance to cover all of it, what I am saying is that she needs to learn how to prioritize what is important to her financially and if she is not getting enough allowance to cover everything she wants to spend money on, then she needs to find ways to earn extra money on her own. teach her about needs, wants & desires and how to save money for things that are important to her. she needs to learn now, not later. my mom never gave me money for spending time with friends, if we knew we were going to do something, it meant knowing in advance and planning for it. I think she will eventually learn that these friends are probably not real friends if she can't keep up with everything they do since it all sounds so superficial.

Let's see $20 a week...save $5 for car/future shopping spree/friend's birthday party...one day a week at the pool, $5...one visit to the tanning bed OR the gym a week, $7... and $3 for the dollar menu at the local fast food place. Learning to manage her money and tell her friends "no, can't do it", priceless!!

Oh, and if I EVER put my mom on the spot by asking for something in front of friends or other people. I was grounded, because it is just plane RUDE to manipulate in that manner. Although, you could just tell her, "well you have your allowance...have fun!" and let her go. HUGS!!

Whoa!!!! I truly cannot believe this!!! I think it is time for a reality check for your daughter!! It is not her fault that she wants to do all of these things, it is your fault for allowing it to happen. You need to sit her down and have a discussion with her about what you can and cannot afford. What is going to happen when the other two children suddenly have rich friends that you need to finance their activities with? Will you be going out to look for another job or will your husband??? It is time to draw the line and be firm about it. I cannot imagine that those parents are expecting your child to pay for her own dinner when they go out to eat...unless it is just the girls going out and if so what on EARTH are 14 year old girls doing at expensive restaurants by themselves???
I think it is time for a reality check for everyone involved.

Great advice,. One thing I will add. My daughter and her friends were never allowed to ask for permission to go to a friends home, ask for money or argue with the answers we parents gave our children in front of anyone.

It had to be a private conversation. This way when we said no, or we needed to ask/share extra information or private family information, this was not discussed in front of others.

Let your daughter know each time she does this, your answer will be no.

We started this way back when the kids were in elementary school and it worked great. Our children learned to excuse themselves when other parents and children spoke about these private subjects.

They also learned that we would not hold back if pushed us once we had given our answer in front of others and we would not be embarrassed, but that they may end up embarrassed in front of their friends by our response. .

I agree with the other moms. Not only are you within your rights to determine how much you find reasonable to pay for your daughter's extras, you are doing her a disservice to keep paying when cornered into it. Her expectations are probably becoming pretty unrealistic, and when the truth finally hits her, it's gonna be a shock. Probably when she's out on her own for the first time.

In the meantime, I would let the more well-off families pay, if they're willing. I'll bet what you find to be a burden is no big deal to them.

Show your daughter your family finances – income and the expenses – and tell her exactly how much extra you are willing to budget on supporting her friendships. Once she sees herself tallied against other needs and expenses, she might realize she's expecting too much from you.

Then stick with your budget. If she wheedles, whines, begs, storms, or in any way demands more, just tell her that you understand her wishes, you sympathize, and it's not going to happen. If she ramps up the pressure, or asks you in front of her friends, warn her that she'll lose 5% (or more) of her budget for the next month. Then stick to your decision. Give her a chance to start budgeting and deferring her own desires before she can spend herself into debt. She won't suddenly learn those skills without practice.

There's also a book that will give you some wonderful techniques for being clear about your own expectations and need for her cooperation. It gives examples for just about any parenting situation you'll find yourself facing: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk.

I read your edit: Perhaps, instead of your daughter telling you these things at the LAST minute, tell her she needs to tell you AHEAD Of time.
Next, she has a lot of outings/money being spent.... it should not be anything more than what you do... ie: do YOU go out and have lunch and mani's and pedi's and movies and spas/gym/tanning/pool time/movies, and dinners out and all that stuff JUST like her???? A 14 year old? Do you and your Hubby do that to that extent?
Again, she is a teenager. Not an adult. And she does more and spends more and has more luxuries... than even I have, and my Hubby combined!
Just a thought... comparatively.
Keep things in proportion... and..... R.a.t.i.o.n.a.l.
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I like Suzi's answer below.

Geez., what a conundrum.
But really, it is a choice.
Keeping up with the J.' is not the way.
Teach your girl... how to be self-sufficient, how to value money and time, about values and "choices", about friends, about earning money, about spending money, about budgeting etc.
Kids younger than 14, learn these things in school to and from their parents.
My kids are only 3 and 7... and we teach them that already.

And what the heck with visiting tanning beds... at FOURTEEN years old! Geez, that is really indulged in kids, if you ask me.
And mani's and pedi's???? What the heck? What is wrong with that picture??? They are 14 year olds!

Next, THINK... is that the kind of girl you want your girl to become???? To be high-maintenance and live off of guys, later???? Or to be coming to you at 21 years old still asking for money and indulgences????
I hope NOT.
Teach her to be her OWN PERSON... and to LOVE what she earns... and to respect her hard work for things and objects.
Don't teach her to be a follower... of this.

Teach her to be PROUD of HER HOME... and that you/she does NOT have to "entertain" these girls like everyday is a spa day. Who are these girls? The Kardashians?
I personally, would NOT want, my daughter to grow up that way... nor with those values either or thinking "spending" and "shopping sprees" are what life is.
I would.. have your girl, join a charitable cause.... to help other kids or adults. To donate her money and time that way. Make it a requirement.

Mostly, don't feel embarrassed about it... because YOU are being a role model for your girl. If you are self-conscious about it... she will be too.
Teach her OTHER values, and be PROUD of your and your Hubby's parenting. NOT teaching her about 'comparing' and how to be like others.
Teach her to be her own person, and how to KNOW.... the differences in how time and money is spent.... and how to be proud of her own family's abilities....
Your daughter is old enough... to have a talk about that. Sit down with her and just talk about it. It is not about have's and have not's.

We have a friend that is VERY wealthy, that my daughter is friends with her daughter. I am the Mom's friend as well. I tell her honestly that we cannot spend money on certain things or that it is outside our budget. I don't hide it. I say this in front of my daughter too. She understands and values, the "family" budget... she respects that. It is a life lesson.
This friend as well, is also very mature and is not "shallow" nor materialistic... she respects the differing economic abilities of ALL people. Not just her socio-economic level.
And quite frankly, I don't care if she thinks I am a tight-wad. But I know... she respects my money concerns... she is a Mom too. And I am a SAHM. There is no problem about it, about money levels.

all the best,
Susan

Ahh I feel for you (and your daughter)! I grew up in a town where most of the kids had more money than I did too. My parents were definitely not poor by most standards, but many of my friends thought nothing of buying a $400 dress for their boyfriend's prom or why they were driving a year old Saab to school everyday. One of my friend's moms even footed a homecoming dance dinner bill as a "business expense" (there were almost 20 of us and the bill was over $1000). The way my parents and I got through it was this. If I went out with another girl's family, I would offer to cover my meal, but I had to have that money to pay for it(my parents never gave me any). I was never asked to pay (since the girl's family was the one going out). Manis/pedis were for special occasions and if I wanted them for something more than prom/homecoming, I paid the bill. Does the pool they go to have a summer membership? It probably would be cheaper to do that in the future rather than pay $5 a pop, and the movies...that was always me!

I started babysitting for neighbors and family friends when I was 12 so I could begin to earn the extra money I wanted and needed. I would tell your daughter that your family is unable to keep up with her extravagant lifestyle and that she will be paying for all unnecessary items in the future (dinners out, gym time, tanning, mani/pedis, movie theater, etc.). She's not going to be happy, but at least you will know that you are teaching her to be appreciative of what she has. (I still have a friend who doesn't understand that a movie is a treat, not something that you do multiple times throughout the week!)

We have a 15 yr old only daughter. I will give you a perspective from our view. We are not super wealthy but we hold our own well and have no debt. Our daughter is not spoiled rotten but there is nothing she really "wants". When someone says she is spoiled she replies "I am well cared for". She buys a lot of her clothes with her weekly money $50 and that covers her for any social activity as well.

As a family and having an only child, we always include at least 1 friend when we go on vacation, dinners, movies, etc. She likes to go to the country club and I take small groups of girls there. We DO NOT expect recriprocation.... when the girls have a good time,and I hear a genuine thank you.... that is all that matters. I have no issue with kids hanging out here. When we take someone on vacation with us, we pay for everything except the keepsakes the guest buys to take home.

One note to you........I am a lover of home cooked meals and I enjoy cooking. I do cook like you do. There are 2 friends who love to eat dinner here, it is the only home made food they get. I overheard 1 friend say...."I love to have dinner at your house, the food is so great". That meant a lot to me. So you, are probably making a positive effect on some girls and don't realize it.

Also, when our daughter joins another family, I make sure she is covered financially as to not be any financial burden on another family.

It is never ending. For the bdays, we usually do a $25 gift card. I don't know if you have a Sephora but a general gift card there is inside a really neat makeup mirror. A $10 gift card is really dressed up from Sephora. I know it is tough, try to hang in there. Sounds like you have a good level headed daughter.

As for the tanning bed? NO WAY....my daughter is NOT allowed in a tanning bed, no matter how reasonable it is. Manis/Pedis? yes she does this about once every 3-4 months.

Good luck!

Well, I would automatically cut out the tanning bed because the evidence is overwhelming that it makes your chances of skin cancer sky rocket! You wouldn't give her money for smokes, would you? I would tell her that if she says anything. As for the other stuff -ask her to do some more work for more money or give her a monthly budget and let her do what she wants with it -but when it's gone-it's gone! If anyone says anything about you not taking them places or out to dinner, remind them that you can't walk off and leave your other child (I know the other one is older), and you doubt they want to eat with all of you anyway. 14 year old girls really don't need to be spending the summer like Beverly Hills socialites! Money for the pool OR a movie OR the gym would be nice -but not all of that plus eating out every day too. It will greatly help her in the long run to have a monthly budget that she controls. She'll learn a lot that way! These other girls are going to break their parents (even the wealthy ones) by the time they're half way through college!

I think if the other people are willing to pay for her dinner -- let them, and don't feel bad about it. Also don't feel bad if your house is "boring." Oh well.

I've always been pretty cheap with my kids -- we just don't have it. I think $10 for the movie theater and $5 for a pool is valid, but $20 for dinner on a regular basis? Not a chance. If I absolutely HAD to do that, I would give her like $6 or $7, and tell her she can find something under that. (They can.) Then if the other parents want to pay for her to have more, then that's their business.

I usually spent no more than $15 or 20 on a kids b-day gift, and if my daughter wanted to spend more it would have to come out of her own money. Also, usually the norm is that when people go out to restaurants for their kids b-days, they are usually supposed to be the ones responsible for the tab. No way do I think you should be expected to pay for this PLUS chipping in for the guest of honor -- that's her parent's job!!

Be a tightwad and be proud. Look at what has happened to our economy because people felt free to spend money they couldn't afford.

Oh, and manicures and pedi's for teenagers on a regular basis? Makes me CRAZY. They should learn to do their own freakin' nails, unless it's a special, unique occasion, like prom or something. Same with waxing eyebrows and expensive hair cuts and dye jobs. And tanning beds!!! Please!!! What are we teaching these kids?!

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You got so many good advices, and I do feel bad for you and for your daughter, my daughter goes to a privet school that my MIL pay for her.One day she came back and told me that the teacher ask how does shores at home, and she told me that she and other girl were the only ones that do. I have problem believing that. Even as a rich family wont you want to have your kids prepare?
I told my daughter she should be very proud of her self because she is more independent and would do better in a crisis.
I don't know how good/close friends are this girls to your daughter, but if they like her for what she is, they wont have a problem to slowing down in their fancy's lifes.
Your daughter have to learn that there is more important things to save than just spend all that money in trying to keep up with her friends and that is maybe a good time to check if they like her for what she is and not for what she have (or in this case, what she doesn't have)
I really hope these girls like your daughter and not have a problem with slowing down.
And for you, we never know what is behind other people's doors, they may have lots of money but maybe they envy the close and warm of your family.
Before I go one more thing it happen to us one day.
When my daughter was little about 8 years old, I took her to a cooking class where the girls suppose to bring their dolls, I knew that they mean to bring nice dolls but my girl only wanted to bring her barbie and I couldn't make her understand that.
When we got to the place, and my daughter saw all the American girl dolls, she was so embarace that she wanted to go and hide her doll. I felt so bad for her. So when we all where preparing the meals, the other girls couldn't play with their spensive dolls because their were to fancy, but I took my kid doll and we gave her food and Barbie helps us cook, we had a blast and my daughter was laughing so hard. I am sure I got many mean looks from the other moms, and I am not proud of what I did, no that I did nothing bad besides having fun with my girl, but I know the other girls would have wish they could play with thier dolls the way we played with the barbie.
So, you never know, maybe you guys are the rich ones!!

If she gets an allowance then she will have to budget her money and decide what is the most important thing. She won't learn if you keep dishing it out. Just explain to her that you can't and that is that. 25 for a birthday gift is very generous I don't even give that much to our nieces and nephews, 10 is plenty for someone close and 5 for those that are not. You will be doing her a favor by teaching her now about real life and how to make it on what she has. Hope this helps. Just remember you are the Mom not her and we all have rules to follow and a budget. (at least we should)

I think you've received a lot of good advice. When I was a teen if my allowance couldn't cover it, then I didn't do it. I think she needs to use her allowance, and then find ways to earn more money like babysitting, or doing odd jobs for neighbors or even a paper route (if you are in an area where that is possible). Pretty soon she will be old enough to get a part time after school job and she can start saving for her own car fund and using her own money for fun stuff as well as save money.

If you don't have the money, you don't have it. You shouldn't feel guilty (but I understand how you do!)

You should look into getting Dave Ramsey's financial peace junior. It will teach her how to save and spend responsibly.

Good luck!

For starters, I wouldn't just refuse to pay for a tanning bed, I would forbid my child to go into one under any circumstances. Between melanoma and premature aging, there is not a good outcome.

Dear Kansas Mom-
Im sure you have gotten enough responses on this question, but I wanted to add my 2 cents. When I was growing up, I WAS your daughter. All my friends, (well, their parents) had a lot more money than we did. They went on shopping sprees, dropping hundreds on things like bathings suits or a pair of jeans like money grew on trees. I was never invited to just go over to their houses to hang out, there was always an activity that required money (movies, bowling, laser tag, amusement parks, etc.) My house was the "boring house"- my friends would tell me to my face, "ugh your house is so boring, how can you live there?". this was all when I was 13-16. THEN, my friends and i grew up. i learned better, and so did they. as we were all in our late teenage years, they WANTED to come over my house- my mom would cook them dinner, something their mothers never did, and we would just sit around and talk, and they loved it, being able to relax, be themselves, and just do nothing. I wouldnt want to say this is just a phase for your daughters friends- this is the lifestyle they are becoming accustomed to, is it what you want for your daughter, for her future, for your family? Or do you want her to learn there ARE things in life that are enjoyable, that are free (or relatively free)? good company, laughter, deep heart to heart discussions about life, love, and the pursuit of happiness.
Of course, you daughter will still for many years want to go out with her friends and have fun. this is ok of course- as long as she foots the bill. As one poster said, we all have decisions to make with our finances- "will i spend my $20 this week on movies, or will i save it for my shopping spree?" will someday become " should i spend the $20 on the cute dress on sale or should i save it to buy groceries with?" the learning doesnt stop when puberty hits. this is key time to instill the principle of hard choices we have to make (although, some rock vs hard place- movies vs shopping spree! we should all have such choices!) back to what i know, my own life- when i wanted to keep up with the joneses, my mom wouldnt give me more than $20 BIweekly! so i learned work- and work is NOT chores- chores are a child's contribution to the family. you contribute a salary, they contribute clean dishes. I babysat, i tutored younger children, i did odd jobs for neighbors (dog walk, clean out their garage/basement) and this was all before i was 15. when i turned 15 i got a real job as a secretary at a dentist office. sooner rather than later, i learned id rather KEEP my hard earned money to myself then spend it on junk and frivolous stuff.
Please dont be embarrased about NOT spoiling your daughter. and not to keep harping on the same topic but- what are 14 years olds doing getting weekly tanning (CANCER anyone?) and going to the GYM ( for god's sakes, how fat can you be at 14?? teach your daughter at least to love her 14 yr old self,this is as thin as shes going to get! 14 is GOOD!)
maybe the next time these girls come over, you should rent Mean Girls for them and get them some nail polish so they can practice doing at home mani/pedis.

Here's another point of view. If you don't teach your daughter the value of money and making choices regarding her budget, then she will be a financial burden to herself and in her future relationships. I married into money and it was a nightmare. The guy had no clue about savings, budgeting, sacrificing or anything "real". His parents just gave, gave, gave. It was so frustrating to try saving for a house while living with my parents, knowing he was out buying $150 pairs of jeans! The relationship didn't last for so many reasons. He had no concept of money and he couldn't do anything around the house. It was ridiculous as I did all the chores, the yard work, the house maintenance, etc. Stick to your value system and teach your daughter accordingly. She'll be a better person in the long run and ultimately she'll be happier. Good luck.

I don't understand. She gets an allowance. If she wants to do extra things she should pay for them. It's her choice....save money for her shopping spree/car, or hang out with her friends. We all have choices to make in life, give her the opportunity to make these decisions herself. If she calls when she's at the friends house asking for money explain to her that she'll need to pay for it herself if she wants to go. It won't take more than a couple times of being embarrasssed in front of her friends before she stops accepting invitations she's not willing to pay for. Let her decide what's important to her. Right now you're setting her up for a huge fall - what is she going to do when she gets out in the real world and decides to go play before she pays her bills? Give her the choices and teach her to budget now, it will serve her much better in the long run.

My kids are 6 and 8 - they already know that if they want to do something extra they have to pay for it. Example - they have a field trip to an entertainment/gaming place tomorrow for camp. A $10 game card is included in the field trip, which I paid for. If they want to add money to that game card, they have to pay for it.

You have so many responses I didn't read them all. I just wanted to point out that she could also get a babysitting job, or mow lawns or something a 14 yr. old can do to make money. Having to really work, and put time in to making money will further teach her how difficult it really is to get.

I think Dave Ramsey says "Don't keep up with the J.'s - they're broke too"! It's true that's what happened with our economy - people just spent what they didn't have to gratify their immediate wants and that just puts people in debt. I don't go for mani/pedi's! These girls are not living in reality. It's not their faults though. Unfortunately, some people do have more money than others and it does make it difficult on those who don't have as much. I would definitely not say these girls aren't true friends. They just don't know any different. I think it would be a great idea to think of fun things to do that are inexpensive when they come over to show them you don't have to spend a lot of money to have a good time. (And yes, it does cost money to make a home cooked meal!) And I liked the idea of giving a monthly allowance because that puts her more in charge of following a budget for what she really wants. I had a monthly budget growing up and had to space out what I wanted to do. Eating out a couple of times - not every day. I think $20 a week is a great allowance. Teach her to budget it and she will learn to be a responsible teenager, and one day a responsible adult.

Whew, I'm glad I have boys!! :) When I was this age I babysat to earn money for things like this. I made a lot of money babysitting. I also would tell her not to ask you things like this in front of her friends. Let her know that, that is not polite and should be done in private. If she continues to ask you in front of her friends, the answer will always be no, period! Also, I wouldn't feel a bit bad when she stays the night at her friends' homes and the parents take them out to eat. When they agree to have their childrens friends stay, then they know that it is their responsibility to feed them. If they choose to feed them at a restaurant then so be it. Would you feel guilty if they fed her at their home? I doubt it, so ease up on yourself a bit, after all, you DO feed her friends when they come over, it's just not going out to eat! With all this, your daughter is learning the value of money which is a good thing. Probably a lot of these other girls aren't learning. I'm not going to say that every wealthy kid doesn't know the value of money, because a lot do, but a lot also don't. That is also true of not so wealthy kids. Just be sure your daughter knows the value of money and know that a little humiliation never hurt anyone. She will grow up glad that you didn't give her everything and actually taught her something. I know it's hard at this age, especially being a girl! Hang in there.

Stop worrying about keeping up with the 'J.' first of all. You are only going to beat yourself up mentally doing so. And you need to teach your daughter the same thing. It's part of learning the value of a dollar. Second, I agree with some of the other ladies, there is no reason for your child to put you on the spot like that asking for all this money in front of people or on the phone. Your daughter isn't stupid and knows you can't afford all the things her friends' parents can but as long as you keep giving, she'll keep asking and taking, then asking for more!!

Now my daughter is almost 10 (the end of this month) and I'm pretty positive when she is 14 that I won't allow her to go to the gym, tanning beds or to get pedis/manis. To me that is not something a 14yr old should be doing and might be the start of creating an unhealthy self image. She isn't pretty enough so she needs a tan, isn't girly enough so she needs her nails done, isn't skinny enough so she needs the gym. If she needs exercise, swim laps at the pool or go ride a bike. And if these other girls are eating out all the time, maybe they need the gym??!! Feed our daughter before she goes to someones house then you don't have worry about that. She can have a soda and a dessert with her friends at the restaurant while they eat dinner. Have a slumber party and paint nails that way.

And I guess what would bother me the most if I were in your shoes is the fact that they parents probably act like everyone just has money to toss around without a second thought!! You are just going to have to sit your daughter down and explain to her that you can't support her outings 100% of the time. Either she uses her own money or she doesn't get to go. Someone already suggested it but maybe she could find a lawn mowing job, babysitting, or even help you extra around the house to make some extra money.

Good luck!
S.

What, no bikini waxes?

Okay, in all seriousness, I think the ones who have suggested that your daughter use her allowance for these things are right on the money (no pun intended). I also think hiring herself out as a sitter is a great idea too.

Good luck Mama!

E.

I have a question - are the parents at these dinners or is it the girls going out for dinner? If it is just the girls, then I do understand the need for her to pay for her dinner and the need to chip in for the GOH. But, if the parents are at the birthday dinners, do not chip in for the guest of honor! If I invite one of my kid's friends out to dinner with us - they do not pay. I would imagine it is the same with her friend's parents. I would not send money for dinner just b/c you feel guilty. You are reciprocating - a home cooked dinner costs money too (and time).

Does she have to go to every birthday party? I hope they reciprocate when it is her birthday!

The only time it has been understood that I need money for an event is if it is a movie or water park b/c all parents know that is outrageously expensive.

Her allowance should pay for her tanning, gym & pool. Or maybe, you make a deal - you pay 50% of the time and she pays the other 50% of the time. That's great she wants to save it, but this is a part of life, we don't always get what we want. She's old enough to understand you cannot afford everything she wants to do. And, she is old enough to start a budget along w/ seeing yours so she can get the big picture.

I'm going to agree with the other mom's. She can use her allowance and do some babysitting, dog walking etc yes even cutting grass or some kind of lawn care. I have somewhat of the same problem but with boys and wanting games, boys stuff etc. and they are younger...my boys want cell phone because other kids their age have them...yes ages 7,8,and 10...yes I even saw it with my own eyes at Vac Bible school...kids texting....what has it come too with parents letting their kids have the things they are getting like little adults...oooh, yes hit it on the head!

If she like those girls want to be little adults well she has to lean now some adults have to ear the money to spend it, it doesn't come easy to everyone (sorry). So just explain to her she can ear the money and she can have those things...

best wishes!

I am sorry but where is all this money coming from!! I would never pay for all that. She get an allowance of 20$- she would be using her own money. Also I would have her babysitting a few nights a week for extra money.

My daughter liked to ride horses and was State Champion for a few years. I did not have that kind of money. She shoveled horse poop when she was twelve and worked for a groomer. She has worked for everything she wanted to do. I do not understand why your shelling out all this money for such frivolous things. She should have to work for all this extra money.

My other suggestion is that she find friends that are in the same financial light.

We also had a rule in my house, you NEVER ask for things in front of guests. If you do, you will get a mouth full in front of them. She knows she has you by doing this.

We never went to every single birthday party, I just could not afford it.

Good luck and I hope you change what your doing because your spoiling her.

HI Kansas Mom,

It is tough when kids get caught in the whole consumerism racket and it becomes an addiction. Sounds like your daughter's friends and parents are really into superficial gratification. I had that issue with my first now 23 and I was a single Mom and she wanted to go on international trips with her friends and their parents.. I had to be tough and explain it and then back it up and yes I had to be ready to be the bad guy... After all the years she now tells me she is glad that she didn't go on the trips. I made sure that she had natural fun.... by that I mean no stimulated movies, video games, or expensive toys.. we hiked and had parties and had pot lucks and went to the beach and if her friends didn't like it - they usually didn't come back but the one thing that I noticed happened, my daughter decided she liked our kind of fun better... The people in our lives loved her and cared for her and we laughed and played and it was much better for her than the other life her friends had and she knows that now. She is much more humble and less into instant gratification. She watches her dollar more. Sometimes a parent just has to be ready to take the heat and get the attitudes that come with the Other Parent's issues. In the long run I think, our children will feel more loved when we spend one on one time with them rather than ( what sounds like) a very distant relationship with her friends parents and their kids.. Maybe direct her in a direction of finding other friends... Maybe show her the evidence that Tanning beds are horrible for young girls development... that might help. Best of luck..