Social Economical Level Difference Between Friends

We live in an upper income area, but my dd has a friend who lives in an apartment, has an older car etc. Her mother is a single mom and is on some type of public assistance (the daughter gets reduced lunches).

Anyway, I do think a few people judge them, but really, if the kids get along - they don't really care where they live etc. Kids are very honest about pointing out what is different from their life, but they're not doing it in a mean way...they are just making an observation.

There are going to be those that judge, but again, it's the kids that determine who they want to be with. I think some people think that people in the lower economic groups may live in unsafe areas..etc, but that
isn't always true. You should let the other parents get to know you so they are comfortable with you as the parent.

Even if she is a troll or changed her name, etcetera. I still value the question.

I have a very hard time with economic differences in friendships. Whether I'm at the lower or at the higher end, the difference is way too uncomfortable for me, even within my family.

As to this situation, yes, since you are an immigrant AND poor, you become a stereotype to many.

When my son was a senior in high school, I had a regular event at my house (it's a long story, but I'll just sum it up to say that I cooked lunch for him and several of his friends 4 days a week; we lived near the school and it was a regular group that came - it was a really great experience). Anyway, my son met a new guy and was invited to his house to swim in their pool. My son came home with his eyes as big as saucers and his mouth practically hanging open. Turns out the guy's pool was Olympic sized and INDOORS! He had a theater room and almost indescribable luxuries, including a multi-car heated garage - you get the picture. We lived in a small house, and due to my daughter's expensive medical issues, drove an old car and had just the essentials. But when the kids came for lunch, I served them good homemade food, insisted on manners and clean language, and encouraged talk around the table, not just blaring music and tv. They loved coming and monitored themselves. (More than once I heard "dude, watch your language or you won't be able to eat here!"). So one day, this rich kid asked to come. My son said yes, but then that evening my son said to me "Mom, he's the luckiest kid I've ever met! The tv in his guest bathroom is bigger than the tv in our living room!" My son was afraid to have this guy in our house, but I told him our house is what it is and he would be served lunch just like everyone else and that he was as welcome as any of the others. If he chose to never come again, that would be his decision. So the guy came, and he was quiet but nice and he thanked me for the lunch. They all left to go back to class, and my son held back. He looked at me with that same amazed look, and said "mom, you won't believe this. When he was leaving, he said 'dude, you are so lucky'. I told him he was insane and told him I was sorry we didn't have a pool, but he said 'no way. My old lady [his mom] has never cooked me anything. She just throws money on the counter. I can't imagine having a mother who cooks for your friends. Wow.' (or pretty much something to that effect)". My son just said "crazy, huh, mom?" but what an eye-opening lesson it was for me. Kids need and want a loving environment, and a welcoming one, and it doesn't have to be fancy. That rich kid thought my poor son was the luckiest guy on earth. So I encourage you to be the one to establish an environment in your home that will outshine any drab curtains or faded rugs. Learn some kid-friendly food recipes, and hold your head up high. Your demeanor and attitude and pleasant company and good food will build bridges. If you seem apologetic and afraid and ashamed, those bridges will never stand. I'm a firm believer in good simple but amazing food being an international language and door-opener.

Tell your daughter that "we don't keep up with the Jones' - we live within our means".

Your priority is a better education for your daughter instead of a fancy new car. If the people there at the school don't like it? They are fake and materialistic. Don't worry about.

DO NOT BE ASHAMED and park elsewhere. If people question it - tell them - it's paid for. We're saving our money for a home purchase. But really? Its NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS what you do with your money.

I don't mean to be rude, but do you think it could be something else?

I have a relative who complained of something similar. It wasn't her old car, and it wasn't where she lived that the other moms found uncomfortable, it was how she interacted with others.

ETA: why have you changed your name twice and re-cited youself? At first you were Beatriz from St. Louis, MO. Monroe City is up near Hannibal, which is at least a hundred miles away from St Louis.?

If you are going to troll a site, pick a location that doesn't have a very distinctive Catholic school structure like St Louis.

Um, rather than answer your PM, because St Louis almost has more Catholic grade schools than public grade schools. No one looks down on you because everyone in your parish is the same as you. Furthermore since every parish in St Louis has a grade school there is a parish community you are a part of.

Add to that St Louis has a rather unusual discourse when it comes to schools and location, a discourse that bridges language, you are a troll!

Oh and add to that you now have changed your location from St Louis to Old Monroe, which by the way is a beautiful community but not a lot of big homes, and you changed your name as well???

Dispatch from the land of the rich and richer:

1. Some are filthy rich, often they don't flaunt it and you may not even know from the surface.

2. Some are wannabe rich. Oh they flaunt it, then you find out the car is not paid for, the house is in foreclosure and Grandpa paid for the European vacation.

3. MANY just don't care either way and those are the people I want to be with.

Our family falls somewhere in the middle economically for our area. My husband and I have made a concerted effort to shield our kids from the bubble of "prosperity" that surrounds us. The have friends and associate with people from all walks of life. Funny, they don't enjoy hanging out at the estates any more than the apartments, it really depends on who they are spending time with.

Teach your daughter that everyone has their struggles, some are obvious others you have to look closely. Help her to be comfortable in all types of situations with all kinds of people. There is strength in diversity. Be proud of who you are and she will be too.

Never be ashamed of who you are - unless you are a terrible person. ;)

True friends will emerge. My boys both go to very wealthy schools. We are not wealthy, but we do alright. My oldest son is 16, and he has 3 close friends that he has been friends with forever. Two of them live in mansions; really, their homes are incredible, not just large houses. One of the boys lived in a mobile home until a couple of years ago, and now lives in a small house, and we live in an old farm house that we love on several acres.

The boys don't care at all about the differences in income levels of their parents, and all of the parents get along well. We (the parents) never became close friends, but we like and respect each other. The boys are always at one friend's house or another, and seem equally happy at all of the homes, large or small.

Perhaps you are more sensitive about it because you are embarrassed by it (or seem to be since you don't want them to see your car). The other moms may not care at all.

I think you need to come to terms with where you are right now. Having a house, driving a new car, having designers stuff doesn't make anyone a better person. That's what you need to teach your child after you learn it yourself. Invite her friends over and when they ask about the apartment just say 'this is where we live right now' and drop it.

As far as the other moms changing after seeing you aren't rich? Who needs to be friends with someone like that. I live in an upper middle class town. 16 yr olds get brand new cars for their birthday and labels are everywhere. My kids got consignment clothes and payless shoes. I'm sure some people looked down at my family however it was their loss.

I wouldn't worry about it.
If you're not living beyond your means then you are doing alright.
Don't be afraid to take quite a bit of pride in that.
At this point your 'old car' is becoming a 'classic' - polish it up and display it proudly!
There are plenty of people who put on airs and everything looks prosperous to the outside world while they are really in hock up to their eyeballs and living from paycheck to paycheck.
All it takes is one illness or accident and they are off in foreclosure and bankruptcy.

To be devil's advocate, some of the mothers may not want to be friends now bc they may feel they probably won't have a lot in common. People tend to befriend similar people. Is English your second language? I notice something in your writing. Or if you didn't complete college yourself, that's a difference too likely from these other mothers. I think it's fair if they don't pursue close friendships bc of these differences but they of course should not be unfriendly, nor should they steer their children away from your daugther. One of my daughter's best friends lives in a small apt with 5 people and the mother doesn't speak English as her first language. It makes it tough to chat with her but I am always very nice and totally support the girls' friendship. And when money comes up bc this friend tells my daughter that she's rich, I tell my daughter maybe we have more money but it doesn't matter at all and she should avoid talking about it with her friend and not make it a big deal. Her parents are smart and hardworking and that's all that matters. If you're paying tuition just like everyone else and carrying your weight, hold your head high and you have nothing to be ashamed of. But you do have to be aware this can be an ongoing dynamic and only so much you can do about it. I would sincerely hope it doesn't affect your daughter's friendships but I wouldn't be surprised if it does yours to some extent. But I'd think it's more about how you speak and your background than actual money unless you're in a really snobby area. Ours happens to not be snobby but I hear of some places that are. Just be friendly regardless and don't act like you don't have a right to be there if you're paying tuition too. We are much better off financially than some families at our school but I never care about that when it comes to friendships. It's more if we have other commonalities and how the other mother presents herself and if she helps out at school etc. Try to be involved so they can get to know you and appreciate that you are a good mom and want to help out. I'd tell your daughter - if she brings it up, she's probably a bit young now to feel upset about it - that sure, some of her friends may have more money but changes are their dads are older and all through life she'll meet people with more money and less. You have more than many people in this country so she shouldn't worry about it.

Oh this makes me really annoyed when I hear stuff like this. My kiddos go to Catholic school and there are families from all sorts of financial levels. (we call our Catholic school the blue collar school )

You should NOT BE ASHAMED that you live in an apartment. One of my sons best friends in his class lives in an apartment. And if the mothers change because of where you live then they are not worthing bothering with. I drive an older car but guess what, it is paid for.

This annoys me because people like the people who are judging you give the other people who go to Catholic school a bad name.

I am sorry you are going through this but keep your head up.
many blessings

As the saying goes, don;t judge a book by its cover. Turn this into a lesson. Be sure to be polite and nice as normal make sure that you show your daughter it does not matter what people say you should be proud of yourself regardless of material things. Show her how proud you are and the material items are just that Material. It matters what is on the inside and if somone is judging you for that, then are they really worth your time?

I live in a condo, (not much different than an apt). my only hang up, is that we do not have our own yard to let my son and daughter play in. So we are always on the move to allow them thier play time. Outside of that, I am in a good school district which is more imprt than a house. I pick my goals and go from there.

SS used to go to a private school. He once asked his dad if they were poor ...because they didn't have a pool. DH assured him that they had enough money for what they needed. The other kid's parents were both doctors. So, yeah. On the flip side SS learned about people without a lot when visiting his friends' homes when he returned to public school.

We tried to explain to the kids all along that it's not what you have, but who you are. If the parents of the other kids are really that snotty, do you want to hang out with them? I'd look for other opportunities to socialize, for you and your kid, and to find likeminded people. Perhaps through volunteering.

They may just be asking. My SS is not a bad kid, but he was just making an observation. Teach her her to shrug it off.

You're not rich in things. Don't let those rich in money and poor in spirit get you down. You have every right to park near the school.

I've had people shy away from me when they find out I'm also a stepmother. Like I'm different than I was 5 minutes ago? No. That's not about me. That's on them. There's no shame in living in an apartment and driving an old car (mine's an 02 and I grew up in a single wide trailer). Please hold your head high and ignore those who want to get you down.

Toilets all flush the same and everyone needs to use one.

I am a 61-year-old divorced dad, who once was solid middle class, and I have 50% residential custody of my soon-to-be 10 year-old-dtr. When she was your daughter's age, I still had a vehicle. One day she turned to me and said, "Daddy, we are poor aren't we?" My heart made a lump in my throat.

Driving through Topeka on one of the many 100 degree days in a beat-up old truck with no A/C, hitting yard sales, she popped the question. We had found some killer deals, but on a number of occasions, I told her we couldn't afford some one thing or another. Yeah, so it was a year after that I went homeless. Now I take the city bus to pick up my daughter from school as that is less expensive than paying out of district fees for her to take the school bus.

"Well Grace, we have more than some people, and less than others. I wish we had A/C in the truck, and a lot of other things, too."

So, what do you teach your daughter when you park your car in another location? What can a daughter learn from the way their "friends" parents shift in their posture or attitude toward any of us? And this is a good catholic school right? Maybe talk to some of the teachers and the like about how to best help your daughter and her parents manage the world in which you live.

I really don't know what is best or even kind of OK to do for you. I do know that after having been solidly in the middle class with a once successful professional career, and having raised two daughters now 29 and 31 in very different circumstances, it has been a bitter pill to swallow now being poor. I do know that first I have had to come to terms with how my life is as opposed to what it once was and as opposed to what I wish it were.

I still have to work throughout each day on what matters most, and what is the value of "stuff (and we need some stuff or at least benefit from it a lot)." I have to draw on creative ways to make life engaging for Grace. And life does present opportunities to help us "raise" our children as well as "raise" parents.

i agree this is a troll, but the question is still legit.
due to odd circumstances i was able to attend a swanky private all-girl christian school from ages 7-15. i had no clue that i was a 'poor' kid (not really, we were solidly middle class but poor compared to my schoolmates) until i was a teenager. in retrospect i'm sure some of the girls shunned me due to being 'not their type' but i didn't know or care, and my parents never made a big deal about or apologized for it or made it my problem in any way. my friends were my friends, and kids tend to take 'my friend has a bigger house than i do' well in stride.
if you are ashamed of your circumstances, your child will pick up on your discomfort (if not the reasons for it) and will suffer for it. if you decide to teach your child self-reliance and not to be influenced by surface impressions, you'll model that for her rather than 'say something' to her.
khairete
S.

Print out Elena B's story and keep it forever. THAT is what's important.

If someone doesn't want to be friends because of your economic status (which can change for ANYONE), then you don't want to be friends with them. Teach your daughter this. Do not be ashamed.

Oh, please don't ever demean yourself or your daughter that way! Be proud of who you are, not of what you have or don't have. And whether things are "tight" or whether you choose to live way below your means, is nobody's concern.

Your situation did remind me of an innocent little visitor to our "modest" house, who upon entering blurted out: "Oh, this really isn't as small as it looks on the outside!" To which I smiled. He was just stating the obvious!

Take care.

That is terrible. I have been around people like that. Superficial. Reminds me of something that my husband says, that he quotes from Dave Ramsey. "Live like no one else, so later you can live like no one else". Or something like that. I am sorry that your daughter's friends mothers are treating you different. And I would NOT park anywhere else but the parking lot. What would you say to your daughter? "we have to park over here so that so-and-so doesn't see that we drive an old car". Don't do that to yourselves. It's a great time to teach your daughter some lessons on this. Just hold your head up high and keep up your confidence in front of them. Don't let the opinion of someone else matter to you, especially when their opinion is not very mature.

My daughter's school is quite diverse both in ethnic make up and in income level. My feeling is that I try not to judge anyone. I don't care who you are or what you make as long as you're a good person and your kids are too.

If someone doesn't want to be friends with you because you live in an apt or drive an old car, that is their problem. Who would want to be friends with that anyway. I think it's a great learning lesson for your daughter. Work hard for the things you want and save your money. Being handed everything in life makes you lazy and makes you think you're entitled to whatever you want.

Please don't try to change yourself to "fit" in with the others. They are the snobs. Just because you don't have all the material things does not make you poor. You can be rich in many other ways.

We live on the well to do so of town and my daughter went to school. Several of the girls at school were getting on her case because she wore the same clothes over and over and didn't have a car. We explained to her that she was just as good if not better than them. She "had" skied in Austria, gone to Paris, London, Brussels, Amsterdam, and Munich. These were the things and places the other girls were talking about doing which she had already done by living in Europe.

Have over the ones that want to come and don't worry about the rest of the kids.

So don't park your car away from home drive it proudly until you get a new one. It gets you from point A to point B the same as the expensive one. In time you will have all the things you want in your home. Until then do not fret about these people. These people are acquaintances and not true friends.

the other S.