So, I Have This Friend...

Hmmmmmmmmmmm, offend a friend or take my kid to the hospital for a serious illness.....which one, which one......

The next time you have something planned say something like 'you know I almost called and cancelled. B was running a fever of 99, but I called the dr. and he said that as long as its under 100 she was okay to be around people. Otherwise I was to keep her home.'

A temp of 100 is the general rule used by daycare and schools. Kids need to be fever free, temp under 100, for at least 24h before they are considered okay to be back in the population.

M.

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just yesterday, i was in our backyard with our kids when our neighbor showed up with her daughter. great. kids got a playmate. it took me about 2-3 minutes to realize ehr daughter was not her usual self. she was kind of mopping around, her face didn't look right, and she was just barely on her feet. i turned to the mother and said: what's wrong with her?
she said oh she has strep.
my heart stopped.
i said you mean she HAD strep? she said: well, we just got back from the pediatrician. he gave us amoxicillin. do you think that's an appropriate antibiotic for strep?
i said: SHE HAS STREP NOW, AND IS NOT ON ANTIBIOTICS?
she said yes.
well wow.
i yelled to my kids: stay away from her.
turned to my neighbor and said: thanks for exposing my kids to strep. we're going in now.
and packed my kids and went inside.
now. that was polite me.
my impolite me was barely contained.
that's just rude rude inconsiderate.
i don't get it. kids do get sick, but i will not get them sick on purpose
this whole building immunity is bs. if that were the case, my kids should me immune to everything now. they get sick frequently and their colds turn into sinus infections, sinus infections into ear infections, ear infections, into major hearing problems.

lets say you have plans to get together on a tuesday morning at 10:00 at your home, you call her at 8:30 and here's how your conversation goes:

you "hey i wanted to find out if any of your kids have fevers, green snot, coughs, or ear aches"
friend "no, why"
you "i have a busy schedule this week & i need my kids to be healthy, i cant afford another hospital visit either"
friend "well little johnny was complaining about a stomach ache & had diarrhea about 30 minutes ago"
you "thanks so much for telling me, lets reschedule when he gets better"
friend "ok i will talk to you later"

i don't think doing this EVERY time you get together with your friend is offensive.....eventually she may call you before you get a chance to call her & let you know if there are any ailments

it's just like pounding in my kids that they have to use the bathroom before we leave the house.....now my kids will try to beat me to the punch & say "we know you don't have to tell us to go to the bathroom"

I am blunt about these things. Your children need you to protect them, and health does not take manners into concern.

I have said, "let's postpone this until your son is healthy" or "I think I'm going to stay behind if your boy has a cold, I can't afford for mine to get sick" and I hope they get the point that THEY should be staying behind.

If a sick mucusy child comes close to mine, even if they are friends or family, I stop them from touching (physically, but gently) and explain to the child, "Oh honey, let's not touch. It looks like you have a runny nose and we don't want to share germs." I make sure to do it when the offending parent is around.

Seriously. Protect your child and don't worry about the adult's feelings. They NEED to be told.

$1500? I'd have a really really hard time not being blunt after that.

If anything terrible happened to your child because of your friend's lack of caution, would you regret not having said anyting? Exactly.

Hi J., if she bring her sick kids around yours, remove yours. she is either selfish or clueless. If she is clueless, clue her in to not bring her kids around other kids when they are sick. J.

I hope you'll just tell your friend clearly that there are consequences for others when she shares her kids' germs around.

My 4yo. grandson, with whom I usually spend every Friday, attends a daycare where some moms are pretty casual about bringing sick children. As a result, he has passed along several bronchial infections over the past two years, and I have fragile lungs and no medical insurance. My resulting illnesses were very difficult, lengthy, and expensive, and I was sick enough to be unable to sleep or work for days at a time.

Children infect not only other children, but extended families, as well, and since the earliest hours of an cold are often the most infectious, it's not always possible for elders or those with fragile health to know they've been exposed. So I really appreciate moms like you who will help educate others.

It hasn't been long since it is not okay to go around others when you are sick. Some people just haven't got it yet. Even when it comes to kids. She is your dear friend and I am sure you wish to keep it that way. You could tell her you are keeping your kids home because, they are sick and you don't want them to get her sick or others. You don't even have to wait until the next time they are, a little white lie. So her kids aren't coming over sick before then. It might take a few times for her to get it. This way your not point fingers, and she not thinking my kids weren't really that sick. You might even appreciate it a little when your kids don't miss school, because they have built up their immune system. Lots of germs and germs in school.

Honestly, I think you have to get past the fact that she will be offended. If she's this inconsiderate or clueless, chances are that she will be upset if you say anything. But you still should say something. I would personally say that I want to try to avoid my kids catching anything, so if her kids have a fever or are throwing up, then to please cancel plans with you.

If she gets offended, then that's too bad. I wouldn't risk my kids health over this woman, especially since you already had a child wind up in the hospital. Not to mention the fact that her poor kids should be home in bed if they're sick!

Sorry you are dealing with this, but you are definitely in the right to speak your mind!

I do try to keep my kids home if they are sick or have a fever, but I would not think twice about taking my child out with a simple runny nose, my youngest seems to always have one. If it is a habit with her, just check the day of playdates to be sure everyone is healthy, and if not, cancel the play date.

Start with I wouldn't be a friend if I didn't say this to you. Then tell her to please keep her children home when they are sick. It is not fair to expose other children to illnesses that could cost more than just the hospital bill. I would have said something when my 3 week old got sick. Tell her that she must think of the other children too. That virus could have caused your 3 week olds death not just 3 days in the hospital. If she get defensive ,oh well, you have to protect your children. If she brings them arould your children and they are sick tell her to tke them home if it is your home or you take your children home. Someone that cares about her needs to say something to her about this, before someone else goes off on her about bringing her sick children around other children.

I don't like offending people either. I would probably just call the day of and and say something casual like "Hey, how are you guys doing? Is everyone staying healthy over there? I hear there's lots going around." If she tells you that her kids are sick then you can say, "Well maybe we should just reschedule for another day then. I can't afford to have the kids sick, then we're all miserable.", or something like that. If you make it a casual conversation then it doesn't have to be so confrontational.

I know some people say that it's fine to offend her but you have to handle it in a way that makes you comfortable. However, if that doesn't work, then confront her. It seems to me that some people just have the mentality that kids are exposed to germs everywhere anyway, so what's the big deal? I don't think that way but I do try to be proactive when we hang out with those types.

Good luck!

I think you need to just be honest and up front with her. Tell her that you love her dearly and really enjoy her company and love being around her children but that you really need to ask her to not bring her children to your house or to other gatherings when they are sick. tell her about the hospitalization and the $1500 bill!!! I am sure she isn't doing this on purpose...maybe she truly doesn't realize when people are contagious!!! My daughter has a 5 month old of her own and a newborn that she is babysitting for, she has had to really lay down the law because the newborns Mom doesn't seem to have a clue as to what the signs are that would tell her to stay home with her baby and keep the germs contained!!
I understand your concern because I am not good at confronting people either but this is a matter of your childrens health so you really need to figure out how to approach her.
Good luck!!

The problem is there are also millions of other little people who have viruses and colds. Ones we don't know in stores and at parks and on the streets so it is kind of difficult to narrow down who the host germ is. If you get any inkling they are sick I would think that would be the time to run. You don't want anymore doctor bills. Now what you do about the other millions on earth I don't know...

I would just tell her. That's what I do.
When I have kids over... no matter who, I always tell them to confirm and call me AND if their kids get sick. Then we should reschedule.
Just tell the person.
This is about health and contagiousness.

You incurred a 1500 dollar hospital bill (rather low for a hospital stay of 3 days). I wouldn't worry about offending her!

I would just stay away from her for the sake of my kids. Since you dont know when her kids are sick, unless she tells you ahead of time, i would stay away. Or meet with her without the kids, if you still want to hang out with her. But that is really lame of her and i would not have my kids around her kids.

I didn't read all of the responses, but I'm sure this one varies widely parent to parent. I personally am very easy-going with the germ issue. There are germs EVERYWHERE, and kids are pros at finding them. However, I call the night before or morning of a playdate if my son is showing symptoms; it's a courtesy. Plus, I know which of my friends are more concerned about the germ issue and which ones don't care much about a runny nose. I am with you about the infant concerns... there's simply no excuse for her to put your family in jeopardy like that.

As far as broaching the topic... you have to know the person to figure out the best thing to say. My habit is to avoid the topic until I can conjure the right words, but I realize that the timing doesn't always work in my favor. Sometimes you just have to come out with it. And direct is better, in my opinion, even if it is a bumpy conversation and she gets offended. Hopefully she will come around and realize that you didn't mean harm. Good friends can usually put their hurt feelings aside to see the real point in your message. If she can't, well, she probably won't be coming around with her sick kids, right? It's really a win/win for you ;)

I have a friend like that too. One or more of her kids always seems to be snotting all over the place, and she just carries on like usual. She hates to miss out on anything, so she'd rather just expose everyone else to the germs. I called her the morning of the day when she and her kids were coming to see my new baby to make sure that they were all perfectly healthy. She seemed surprised that I would ask, but I just said newborns have no immune system so I have to make sure he doesn't get exposed. She said they were all healthy, and that time they were. Maybe if you just start asking her every time you have something planned, she will get the hint that you're not ok with germs. Some people think germs are everywhere (I've had people tell me this) and don't mind having their kids exposed. They think everyone else feels the same way.

I have a good friend who is the same exact way. When in those situation I just have my kids constantly washing hands and remind them no touching eyes nose and mouths so they are not "helping" the bad germs into their body. Doesn't mean it always works, haha, mostly my kids stay well. Also, I have them drink a glass of Orange Juice a day just a general boost of Vitamin C.

Sorry I don't have any suggestions on how to approach just wanted to let you know I understand your situation and that is how I have handled it. Good luck