Friend with Toddlers Who Are Always Sick

If she wants to visit again, just say you are going to wait until cold/flu season is over as the last time you went out, the baby caught a cold. You don't need to go into detail.

If/when you do hang out again, make a VISIBLE and VOCAL big deal about hand sanitizer, tissues, etc. Develop a reputation as being a germ freak, which will make her think twice about how she interacts with you. Don't be afraid to say NO when someone asks to hold/see/touch the baby. My second child caught RSV from someone's common cold once and nearly died at five months. Keeping newborns away from germs is no joke.
Back in the day, people didn't have playdates. You, and she, don't need to have them. Instead, encourage her in her motherhood by being a good telephone friend (email friend?) and maintaining closeness that way.
Good luck!

I would stop feeling guilty and stop feeling sorry for her - you need to protect your own kids. You have a newborn and many kids at that age (toddler/preschooler) are little germ factories. If she doesn't have the common sense to try to minimize the germ transmission, then it's not your job to go over to her house and try to help her have more of a social life. Your job is to make sure your kids don't get sick, as much as you can help it.

If she says something to you, I would just let her know that if any of her kids are sick (runny noses, coughing, etc.), you won't be able to get together. Your baby has already been sick once and you don't want to take the chance of it happening again. Or maybe suggest getting together outdoors at a park or playground where at least the germs can get better dispersed. Unfortunately she sounds really lax in the hygiene department, but again, that is not your problem - your kids health and well being has to come first.

Keep a bottle of hand sanitizer in your purse and everytime she or one of her kids wants to touch the baby, give them a squirt first. Keep playdates outside at the park so hopefully her kids will be more interested in the toys than the baby, which also gives you the option to keep baby secluded in her stroller/carseat. Next time she calls and says she wants to get together, try to keep it humorous sounding (tone of voice) but say, "Nope, sorry, I can't. Baby got sick after x her wiped booger's all over Baby's face so now we are in isolation mode."

If your lucky, she'll get the hint. But probably not.

Having a newborn is enough of a reason to stay home - sickness or not. New babies (even breastfed babies) can still get very sick. It's hard on you to have a sick baby - less sleep could make you more prone to being sick too!

I'd tell her you want to wait till the baby is older.

That said - I also have a good friend who's kids were always sick when they were all little. My kids were rarely sick. Now that we have kids in school, our tables are reversed... her kids have already built immunity to many of those common bugs and mine have spent a good chunk of this winter sick.

Now, I prefer to deal with my 4 and 6 year olds with runny noses than toddlers and babies so that is fine with me, but she says she's glad that her kids are less likely to catch all the germs and miss less school because of it.

In life - we get sick. Your kids will go through a phase at some point when they seem to catch everything. Hers are just doing it now.

This summer, you all should get together more. The baby will be older, you can be outside, and germs will be less prevalent.

Use the newborn status as a reason to stay home.

Jessica

I have to be honest-- I just avoid hanging out when people are sick like this, and don't make too many bones about it. "Oh, Kiddo's just gotten over a cold from preschool and we need a break from the germs. Do give a call when your little one is feeling better."

Yeah, it's pretty gross. At this point in time, all I can do is hope that this generation, who we've been teaching at school to cough into one's elbow, etc. can begin to retain this and pass it on to their kids. A LOT of people though, aren't thoughtful about this. (As a preschool teacher, this is part of our daily conversation-- how we take care of each other by proper handwashing, coughing and sneezing into our elbows, etc.) I did unabashedly keep my son away from sick babies when he was little. People would tell me "Well, he's just going to get sick with it later on". My theory is a sick two year old is less distressing than a sick 6 month old.

Ugh.

Dont feel bad, your kids come first and now your newborn is sick. I wouldnt have went over there. I usually keep my newborns away from people for a long time. Even now that Im about to have a baby, Im a freak about my older kids getting sick when the baby comes. If she wants to meet again, just explain to her that you cant because your newborn is sick and germs are really freaking you out right now. My babies usually dont catch a cold until they are like 5 months. I would be insane right now if I were you!

Stay away from them!

My *own* kids got my infant sick when he was 3.5 weeks old, and we had to go through a whole hospital work up to be on the safe side. 6 week olds are a little bit hardier, but I'd let your ped know about the cold. My friend's 2-month-old (full-term, not out and about in public - in fact, I haven't even met him yet) was just diagnosed with RSV. It's not worth it.

This baby is my 5th, but my very first winter baby. We have strict "No touchy-touchy" rules with non-family members, and intend to keep it that way for a couple more months. My baby's health is much more important than inconsiderate adults' feelings.

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I think you have to be very frank. Your child got sick from her behavior, period. You should teach your children and hers (in front of her) to sneeze and cough into their elbows, not their hands.

There is a great deal you can do to strengthen your children's immune systems, and it might be a nice thing to pass on to her as well. She may feel there is nothing she can do about her sick kids, and it's just not true.

Handwashing is important but it's not enough. We all have weakened immune systems due to our food supply and environmental toxins/pollutants. I help a lot of people who are interested in taking control of their health. And I never get sick anymore even when I'm around sick people. I don't need the flu shots anymore, and my doctor is thrilled and told me to keep doing what I'm doing.

Barring that, you can avoid hurting your friend's feelings but simply stating the facts without blaming her. Just say that your kids aren't healthy enough to be around other kids' germs. If all of your have compromised immune systems, then some mouth-covering and handwashing won't be enough anyway. If your friendship depends on an exchange of viruses, then it's not too valuable. Maybe one of the reasons she is lonely is that no one wants to be around her and her kids. I'd switch to some adult-only outings, as you suggested, so you can stay friendly with her. But don't share a babysitter and have all your kids together!

First things first-if you are going to be around this person and her sicky kids you have *got* to stand up for yourself and your kids! You can't say "that's not me" and continue to be friends/be around this person. If you can't say "please wash hands before holding the baby" and "we only touch babies on their feet" to her and her children then you shouldn't be around them any more.

My first was a preemie and therefore at high risk for RSV. You can bet your $ that I learned very quickly to stand up for my little man and be an advocate for him and his health. You wouldn't believe the looks I got or the questions when I would say "Please don't touch the baby" (very nicely of course). I remember one lady saying "why? What's wrong with him?" to which I replied "nothing. And I'd like to keep it that way."

Honestly, given what you've said about her I really don't think I could hang out with her or go to her house. But if you are good enough friends you might gently say to her that you notice the kiddos seem to be sick a bit and discuss some ways she might help since preschool can be such a germy place (that way you are blaming it on something else and not her-even though a lot of it is her) with that like lots of hand washing for the little ones and "hey I just heard they are recommending sneezing into your elbow to help prevent germs getting spread on the hands". Sometimes there are ways to work it into the conversation. But if you can't talk to her about changing some of her habits then you need to steer clear of her.

If she were in a moms group to help with socialization and outings she would *not* be allowed to come with sick kids. Every group I've been in has a policy that you don't bring sick kiddos. No reason your kids don't deserve the same respect.

And as far as cleaning up before they leave, you will be doing those kids a big service by saying "Ok guys! Time to put the toys away before we leave." I always make my kids pick up when we've been to a playdate.

Don't worry whether your friend thinks you are a germophobe and tell her the truth. Your baby got a cold after you were at her house. In the future unless she is absolutely sure everyone is well you would rather get together just as adults.

My youngest child that got seizures every time he got a fever so I would tell EVERYONE...... if you have a cold we will pass on the invitation. I preferred playing outside if we weren't sure. And the cold had to be over 10 days old before we would be with them.

If your friend confides that she is frustrated herself about how often they are sick........send her to ME and I will suggest some vitamins to build up their immunities!

I think I'd say the same exact thing DVMMOM said. "Oh well your little Joey is sick and my kiddo just got done with a cold. How about we reschedule for next week?" Plus, the park is a great idea too. You can hold the infant and the others can run around and play.

I have a friend who's very very lax about the rules and being sick around others. I just limit our time together. We get together maybe once a month. So -- either limit your time with her, meet elsewhere, or tell her that y'all can't meet if anyone in her family is sick.

do not go to your friends house until her kids are healthy and tell her you do not want your new born to get sick! She will understand if she is a good friend. Meet her at the park and keep your child away from her kids. You have to care for your child not for your friend.

I'm two steps away from barfing-don't let anyone near your infant-6 weeks is just too young-and never feel guilty about protecting your child-it's your duty. It would be nice if a child could get one cold and be immune for life-I would still want it to occur when they are old enough to blow their nose, prop themselves up a little to sleep-safely take a decongestant-and tell me they have an earache!

There is nothing wrong with insisting anyone who holds your baby washes their hands first. If they get offended then too bad. Also, I never let other children too close to my newborns for this reason. I own a childcare center and we care for infants, the older children love the babies, but we never let them touch or get too close. People have to understand you are only protecting your baby. Don't worry so much about offending, as long as you say it in a kind way I am sure people will understand.

I have a similar friend and the way that I handle it is when they ask to get together, I just ask if anyone has a cold or is sick. She knows that I won't get together if they are sick because my kids always end up sick from them if we do. So I just am honest and ask. If they are sick, we pospone playdate until their not sick. But what happens sometimes is if both of our kids are sick at the same time, we will have a playdate because they are all already sick-so it doesn't matter to me about the germs as much.

As for your newborn, I would pospone get togethers until the baby is older--if she asks why, you can state that your baby got sick last time from them and you want to protect him/her from the germs. Or you could carry hand sanitizer with you and tell everyone to use it before touching baby etc-never touch or kiss baby's face or hands. They can touch baby's covered feet-lol and not get in baby's face. Good luck-this is a hard one!

M

I haven't read your responses but it is one of my biggest pet peeves to hang out with someone and their kid/s and once your there, find out they are sick. It truly shows disrespect on their end that they show no disregard for other people. I wouldn't hang out with her either and I wouldn't feel bad about her feeling lonely. Maybe she's lonely because noone else wants to deal with their kids being sick all of the time. You can still be her friend, but just call her on the phone or email her.

Honesty is a wonderful thing! It doesn't have to be brutal honesty to hurt her feelings, but if you think about it this really needs to be brought to her attention or this problem will never be resolved. Start with "I" messages because it automatically sounds gentler and not like you are attacking her. You could say "I don't feel like it is a good idea to get together when one of the kids is sick." Set an example for her. Let her see you constantly washing your kids' hands or wiping their noses. Maybe nobody has ever modeled this for her. Don't apologize for wanting to be in a clean environment or exercise healthy habits. You should being doing that anyway! For some reason we all tend to let things slide because we don't want to hurt each other's feelings, when in reality we really need to stop and think-am I enabling bad behavior by keeping my mouth shut? Just find a way to make your concerns known. She is your friend, she will listen to you. Another kid's boogers shouldn't be wiped on your child's face. That is downright disgusting! I hope this helps!
A.

I didn't read all the messages below so sorry if repeat. We took hand sanitizer with us where ever we went and just had a clean your hand rule before you touch the baby for like the first 6 months. I quoted some statistic about kids who don't get sick in the first six months...... blah blah. I also did a lot of outdoor playdates. It seems that outdoors the germs are less prevelent plus her kids might be distracted enough to leave the baby alone and play. I have also learned as my kids have gotten older that you can't live in a box. I made that realization when the kids hit like 4 or 5 yrs old. Once they go to school (Preschool) they get little coughs and sniffles all the time and if you don't get together with friends until it's gone you literally never get together because when your kids are over it your friends kids have it. We have a no fever (over 100) and no green nasties from the nose rule. Other than that we still get together, outside whenever we can.

I would first let her know that you enjoy getting together (if you do) but because this year the cold and flu season has been very hard and the fact that you have a little one, you as there mom need to be careful because newborn immunity is "new" and not developed. Gently remind her that germs are spread through touch, and mucus, and that while they are ill maybe just the two of you could meet. I am not a germ freak as my kids were older I tried to expose them to chickenpox and was not as worried, but with newborns it is a whole different picture...and if it is green and from the nose you might suggest they see the doctor...
This year my family, who rarely get sick, was inudated by illness after illness this year, and our doctor said it has been a unusually severe illness year, especially the flu, and that can be serious for small ones.
By being honest with your feelings, and gentle it will allow you to guage your friendship if she values it as much as you do, she will respect your suggestions.