"Shy" 4 Yr. Old

What stood out to me is that she identifies herself as shy. I am wondering if this is because she has heard you and other adults talk about her that way. I will warn you that this kind of talk is a self fulfilling prophecy. You never want to "label" a kid-esp if they know about it. Always hearing that she is shy will absolutely make her more shy. From now on never speak of this in front of her. And never tell people that she is shy when they try to talk to her. I am not saying you ARE doing all this-just putting it out there.

If she has a large vocabulary, speaks clearly, is fine at home and with the other kids, I wouldn’t worry about it too much. She has her own unique personality. I was an introvert throughout all of my school years. In fact, I had one best friend starting in elementary school and now 30 yrs later she is still my best friend. However, once I was in college I had many friends and still do.

How is your daughter doing in school otherwise?

Your daughter reminds me of a girl that was in my daughter’s girl scout troop. I was troop Mom and there was a girl who wouldn’t utter a word! I asked her Mom & Dad if she was afraid or something, and they said she is just very timid, but was very talkative at home. She participated fine, but was otherwise quiet. The other girls didn’t really notice either and she came to every meeting.

Now this girl is in middle school and turns out she has a very high IQ. She is taking high school classes, is extremely bright and so very sweet!

Enjoy your daughter's uniqueness! She sounds wonderful =-)

Do NOT make your daughter feel like anything is wrong with her shyness. Don't make a big issue of it, just gently push your daughter to socialize by involving her in things.

She may never be the most extroverted person in the world, and that's okay.

Meanwhile, I remember when my daughter was 4, and when she had to share something in front of her preschool class she would whisper it in the teacher's ear and the teacher would have to tell the class. Now, at 18, she's nothing like that.

Don't worry.

My daughter was so shy she would literally plant her head up my rear when we were around people. Drove me crazy since my first two boys were so social. In her kindergarten class however, there was a little girl that sounds just like your daughter. Wouldn't speak a word to anyone, not even the other kids. Would nod her head yes and no but that was pretty much it. Had us wondering if she was "normal". Well, a few years later she was just as social as the other little chatty girls! Her mom always said she just didn't understand why her daughter was like that when she was so talkative at home. Just took her longer to get aclimated to that type of social situation I guess. So as long as you know she is developmentally on track with her verbal skills I would just try to be as patient as possible. Hopefully she has an understanding teacher.

She's fine and as annoying as it might seem to you, it is more of a bother to you than her, especially when society expects everyone to be bold. My son is chronically shy and I used to force him to speak up because of pressure from people, but I don't do that anymore. She might be choosing not to socialize for different reasons, but it will take time. Just don't make her feel something is wrong with her.

My son was very, very shy in nursery & Pre K. It's OK that she's shy.
My son is now 8 and he's a complete social butterfly.

My daughter is also very shy. The first question I would ask is if your daughter seems happy. My daughter clearly was uncomfortable in new social situations, and that was the part of "shy" that didn't sit right with me. If your daughter is perfectly happy not talking, I'd leave her be. But if you think that she's really regressing or is unhappy, I would work on it. Yes, some people are just shyer than others, but life is much much easier if you can be a little bit outgoing. Don't have to be the life of the party, but having worked with and hung out a little bit with people who clearly cannot carry on a conversation, extreme shyness can negatively impact your life. And it's easier to fix when younger.

What worked really well for us was coaching our daughter through that uncomfortable feeling. We'd say "we're going someplace new, and there are going to be new people there, and it's going to feel weird and uncomfortable to talk to them, but once you start you'll be much happier." It helped a lot, because it helped her anticipate the fear that came with new social situations. We also worked on setting small goals, often nonverbal at first. So maybe before preschool drop off you can suggest that she at least wave hello to her teacher. After a few days of waving hello, she could actually say hello. We had great success with simply insisting on manners. So when my daughter needed to get her haircut, to get the lollypop afterward, she had to be willing to say "thank you" aloud to the hairdresser. Now she's willing to carry on a little conversation.

If you think that it's becoming really extreme, like selective mutism, do talk to a child psychologist. It might just be shyness, which is fine, but make sure that things don't really regress.

My Daughter was shy. Still is to a certain extent.
BUT as she has gotten older, she has blossomed. She is now 8 years old.

A child, does not have to be, gregarious and extroverted.
It is personality.

LET her be herself.

For my daughter, we never made her feel odd or that something was 'wrong' with her. My daughter, has always been VERY cognizant about herself and of others. Even if shy. We ALWAYS emphasized, that she be HERSELF.
She is an 'Observer." And then SHE "chooses" who to be friends with or not, and is very "wise" for her age. Even as a Toddler. She CAN, discern people and who she likes or not or who is bad or not or who is nice or not. We NURTURE this ability, of hers.
She is a wise child.
I see her "shyness" as being a GREAT ability... and very positive.
Because, she knows herself, does not people please, is not a 'follower' and she has her OWN mind. That to me, is more valuable... than being extroverted.

We are proud of my daughter, for her personality.
She is also very self-assured. And confident.
'Confidence" has nothing to do with whether a child is extroverted or shy.

I never 'expect' my daughter, to just have friends. I rather her CHOOSE her friends, wisely. My daughter KNOWS who she gets along with or not and she can discern personalities, very well, for her age. It is a GOOD, ability. Something that is instinct in her.

We have never tried to change our daughter.
As she has gotten older, her people skills and ability to analyze people has only become more articulate. That is good. She is smart that way.
My late Dad was the same way. And I am proud of my daughter for having that ability too. It is priceless.

My Daughter, has friends. That she has chosen, based on the child's character. That is good.
She is not a follower and can think on her own.
But yes, she is 'shy'... and in big groups. But she does speak up, she asserts herself, and can competently navigate herself socially. Very well.
And she can express herself.

There were times at recess, where she told me she didn't play with anyone. She just sat in the shade and watched. I had NO problem with that. And the reason is: my Daughter is happy. She knows herself. She CHOSE to do that at recess. Not because she was left out or had no friends. That day, she said she just didn't feel like horsing around with the other kids. So, she did what SHE wanted. And she was fine. And I know she was. Because she is that kind of girl.

Being "shy" is NOT a deficit.

In Preschool, kids DO NOT have BFF's. They are young. They do not have constant friends. It always changes from day to day. Once a child gets OLDER... like in 1st Grade, then "friends" becomes more of a regular thing.

But if a shy child is taught to be 'self-conscious' about their personality... then they MAY very well become, more inward. Because, others are focusing on their perceived 'wrong' demeanor.
I am SURE, she knows, what is thought of her.
And that may be just the thing, that is making her more inward.

Let your girl, be herself and blossom. Nurture her. Her interests. Her talents. Her ability to know herself.
Otherwise, she will be too self-conscious and will not tell you things about her feelings.

All the best,
Susan

Your dd sounds like my youngest dd. She started showing her shyness when she was about 9 months old. I would take her to story time at the library. She would sit and listen to the story but would not participate at all in the finger play or interact with the other kids.

Her first year of preschool she only said two words all year to the teachers and did not talk to the other kids at all (she did play with the kids, just didn't talk to them). A couple months into her next year of preschool, the teacher said something had to be done. I was given a business card for the city schoo'ls Early Childhood Intervention Specialist. After answering almost 700 questions and having her evaluated, she was diagnosed with selective mutism.

After her diagnosis, in addition to preschool my dd also took a two hour communication class once a week for about 3 months. Plus someone would come to her preschool a couple times a month to work with her.

We were going to lunch with a couple of her classmates after preschool about once a week. She would play with them but would not talk to them. Before and after every lunch, I would talk to her about how important it was for her to talk to her friends. She eventually started talking to her friends but only if the other parents or I weren't looking her way.

I also talked to her about how important it was for her to talk to her teachers at school especially when they were doing skill evaluations. She told me she would talk to the teachers for the evaluation. I told the teachers and they evaluated her that day. She talked to them and did amazing on her evaluation.

At home, she talked all the time but around some of my family, she would not talk at all. My in-laws live two hours away so she didn't see them nearly as much as she saw my family. She had no problem talking to my in-laws on the phone or in person.

By the time my dd got to Kindergarten, the teacher said she would have never known that she had selective mutism because she talked to both the teacher and the other kids (teacher was never given the IEP until after she and I talked and the teacher asked the administration for it).

My dd is now 7 and in 2nd grade. She has no problems whatsoever in school. She is talking more around others but still has times when someone talks directly to her that she won't talk at all. At those times, I can see her closing up but I encourage her to talk. Sometimes she will respond but other times all she will say is "peep."

Check with your local school system's Early Childhood Intervention specialist to see if there is anything that they can do for your dd. I think with some help, time and encouragement, she will eventually start to open up around others.

I have a little bit of a different perspective - I was a lot like your daughter when I was little. At the first parent-teacher conference in kindergarten, the teacher told my mom that I was always quiet & kept to myself, and my mom asked if she had the right kid, as I was nothing like that at home! I remember feeling shy & uncomfortable. I got a little more comfortable each year, and then in 6th grade, I got the perfect combination of a great teacher & a great group of kids in my class & blossomed into the social butterfly I still am today! I still like time to myself, but I also enjoy meeting new people & talking to people I don't know. If she interacts appropriately with other kids in situations where she is comfortable, I would not worry about it too much... easier said than done sometimes, I know. Good luck!!