Extremely Shy or Selective Mute?

Definition: Selective mutism (SM) is an anxiety disorder in which a person who is normally capable of speech does not speak in specific situations or to specific people. Selective mutism usually co-exists with shyness or social anxiety.[1] Children with selective mutism stay silent even when the consequences of their silence include shame, social ostracism or even punishment.[2]

That doesn't seem to apply to what you're describing. She DOES answer her teacher...just a soft voice. Keep working in it & build her confidence.

My son had a friend in school with selective mutism. He could talk to friends but adults, he would just stare at you. Not whisper, not duck his head, not make any motions with his face, just stare. It's like he wanted to talk and knew what you were asking but couldn't talk. He grew out of it, probably 4th grade or so.

I'm thinking this is not the case with your daughter. If there are no other symptoms of distress or anxiety, I'm inclined to give her more time and interaction.

I wouldn't worry too much. Your daughter sounds nearly identical to a little girl in my daughter's kindergarten class last year. She had just moved across country to live with Grandma. Her situation BEFORE grandma was less than pleasant and the poor doll was super traumatized. It took almost the whole school year before this child would do more than look at me. I never pushed, just asked, and if she refused I told her it was Ok, maybe next time (was asking for a simple high five, didn't have to talk to me at all).

Anyway, fast forward to now and you would NEVER know that doll has come from anything other than a loving, supportive house.

I'm not saying your child is identical to this girl. Just give your daughter some more time. Encourage her to try, but don't push. Also, let her know that it's perfectly fine to be quiet and reserved. When she's ready, and feels comfortable, she'll come out of her shell.

We are all different. She is quiet and shy, so be it. Could you imagine if we
We're all talkative extroverts! Sounds like a sweet little girl who will be just fine. Breathe Mom!

Do you realize you used 10 exclamation points in this question, 8 of them in the first 7 sentences?

Calm down.

She sounds like she is functioning just fine. She will speak up when she finds something she wants to be heard about.
Please don't go diagnosing this child with a disability when she doesn't have one.

I had a son for whom this was a concern in the younger years. It was tough to understand because he was well liked and a good student. It worried me a great deal.

This kid went on to be an actor/singer/musician who has performed in front of hundreds of people (he's 19 now, almost 20).

I think it's a good sign that there are one or two kids she *will* talk to at school. At her age I'd give it some more time.

Have you had her hearing tested? could be that she doesn't hear ALL the words a person is saying. I saw this recently when a child was being spoken to and because he responded to some of what was said, it was assumed he could hear 100%.. when in fact, he was only catching part of the sentence, which in some cases was enough for him to respond but in others, he just kept doing what he was doing, seeming as though he was purposely ignoring people, but truth is, he didn't he what was said..

well, you're her mom and you know her best. it doesn't sound like a disorder to me.
in kindergarten one of my son's best friends was a little girl who did not speak to anyone outside her family, my kid, and their other musketeer. the three of them lived within a block of each other and were inseparable, and anything she wanted to say to a teacher, another kid at school or any of us moms was always through her posse. but with them, and at home, she was perfectly articulate. the difference, i guess, is that no one around shannon would ever think she was shy. her demeanor and actions were amazingly sure and confident. that kid kept this up for two straight years. most amazing display of willpower from a child that age i ever saw. and then one day she was done, and it was like it had never been an issue. i think she just wanted to see how far she could push it, and she proved herself queen of the world. how i loved that child.
but i'm blathering. your little girl doesn't really sound like shannon. and it sounds to me as if you're handling it just fine- downplaying it, but ultimately supporting her and letting her communicate on her own terms. i like that you're not trying to force her, or stigmatize her by getting her therapy. maybe at some point you'll decide she needs it, but for now i think it's good parenting to let her develop on her own timetable and not be made to feel freakish about it. i'm glad she has the right teacher too.
khairete
S.

My daughters were definitely on the quiet side too. I role played with them a lot! I pretended to be shy and quiet and taught them how acting like this could lead others to think they were being rude. We rolled played how to be friendly and what to say when someone says "hi". I also always made them order for themselves in restaurants. It only took one time for each of my girls to learn the lesson that if you don't speak up, you will not get what you want. (I felt mean doing this but they spoke up from then on.).
I always tried to never speak for them. If they wanted a toy, I would have them ask the clerk where it was in the store. When we went to the dentist, I would sit down in the waiting room and have them introduce themselves. I also had them answer the phone.
In addition to all that, the best thing I did for them was put them in drama class starting at age 5. Not only did they love it but it gave them such self confidence. Both my girls have preformed for over 1,000 people in a talent show at the beach where we go to each summer.
FYI... I was shy as a kid and I feel like I missed out. From my own experience, being shy/quiet was a negative thing. I was determined for my girls to overcome their shyness and they have!!! Both my daughters have had lead roles in various theatre productions.
For what it is worth, I think it is fantastic you want to help bring your daughter out of her shell.

This is where your school's counselor, if he or she is any good, can be a big help. Now, before the school year ends, go see the counselor by yourself (preferably with your husband or significant other along) and talk about your concerns. Ask the counselor to meet with your daughter and get a "read" on her but to make it fun and non-intimidating -- a good counselor can do this well. In that parents-only meeting with the counselor I would also include the classroom teacher, who spends a lot of time with your child and may know her better than you realize. See what the teacher and counselor say -- they encounter many children and know the difference between a child who's just shy and a child who seems to be having issues communicating.

There is nothing wrong with getting your daughter assessed for social anxiety. If she has some, you can start to work on it, with a professional, now -- the earlier, the better; counseling will be more like fun for her than work, at this age. If she does not have it, you will at least have ruled it out! Either way-- she benefits and you will get more information, which you now lack.

I know some parents are posting here along the lines of "It's just her personality, let her be," don't push her etc. But some folks have posted -- and I agree -- that as she gets older she does need to be able to communicate well in order to make friends, do well in school, and pursue her interests. It's not denying a child's personality to give a child some help with being more assertive when needed.

Meanwhile, does she have any activities outside school? Anywhere she does something she enjoys and that she chose to do, and where she can meet other kids who share her interests and not just her classroom? She is the right age for Daisy Girl Scouts, or any other kids' group at your church (if that's your thing) or elsewhere. If she's not into sports, does she like to draw or paint or whatever? Look for kids' art classes geared toward her age group. Don't push the social aspect, just let her see that there are places to have fun doing things she likes.

I don't think that she has selective mutism, but if I were you, I'd start looking for a speech therapist who specializes in it. I'd talk to her about your daughter and see if she thinks it would be helpful for them to meet.

If I were you, I would stop telling her that some people like to be talkative and some people like to be quiet. She will NEED to be talkative to make her life better as she gets older.

It's one thing to push or prod her. It's another thing to appear to champion it. Little kids see things differently than we do, so she may see it as encouragement.

Even if she doesn't have selective mutism, I really do think she could use a little help.

Has the teacher referred her to the school psychologist? I would ask the teacher for a referral, and at least she can be assessed.

My daughter is the same way. I was also the same as a child. I would start the process of getting her help now to try to break some bad habits of avoidance and fear. Social skills and Cognitive Behavior Therapy can help. Look up some books on Social Anxiety Disorder and Selective Mutism. Put her in activities that make her talk. Stay positive with her, but push her now too, with baby steps to work on specific goals.

One thing I wish my parents had done with me is explain that this is something I need to work on and help me make sense of my uncomfortable feelings. They never talked to me about it and just tried supporting me for who I was, which is nice, but not constructive when you know you have a problem. I felt like I was on my own with it and I think that's why my anxiety got so bad.

She is only 6.
I have 2 kids, that when younger, were shy.
Anyway, I think your daughter will "blossom" more and be more "social" or whatever you want to call it, each year as she gets older.
But then again, some kids are just this way.
AND no kid, has to be friends with all the kids nor talk to all the kids all the time or everyday.

I work at a school. Some kids are just more introverted. Some are extroverted. And quite frankly, the "shyer" ones do just fine. They are not meek and weak and unable to navigate themselves. They just are more introverted, and they choose... their friends. Versus some kids who are so insecure unless they are among a huge group of other kids and having to be among a group of kids because they think that makes them "popular."
So there are pro's and con's for each, personality type or social tendency.

Just keep nurturing your child.
Teach her to KNOW herself and who SHE, is.
As I said, my kids were shy when younger. Especially my daughter. But so what. All along, I nurtured THEM as individuals. Taught them to KNOW themselves and who THEY are. And by the time they were in Kindergarten, they had a solid sense of who they are. Versus other kids. And when a kid knows, themselves... they also are skilled in navigating amongst social situations and in choosing friends. They know, how to discern... things. And this is a plus.
So, EVEN if a kid is "shy"... it is not detrimental... nor a "bad" thing. Because, many of these kids, are keen observers and keen about character types in others etc. and in who they talk to or interact with. At least my kids were and are. EVEN if they were shy, when younger.
Now at their ages, they are not so shy. But they are very good at gauging all sorts of personalities and social situations. Of which, I nurtured that in them.

I work at an Elementary school.
At this age, Kindergarten and even 1st grade, MANY kids... are SHY when speaking or in front of others. It is common. YES they "whisper" and talk softly. That is why, there are things like show and tell or reading aloud.... so that kids are introduced... to speaking etc. It is NOT an inherent skill. It takes, practice. Over, time.

When/if kids ask how come another kid doesn't talk, I say, not every kid has to be chatty. He/she is shy. Its no big deal. It is just, fact.
I don't play it down or play it up.
Its life. It is a fact. Some people are just not as talkative. And it is okay.
Just because others are more talkative, it does not make them better or worse than another. It is just, everyone is different.

I even know some 5th graders, that are more shy. BUT it is their personality. It is their, choice. They have a few friends. But they are happy. They CHOOSE their friends. They know who they are. They are not at a loss...socially or per how other kids like them or not. They are normal good kids. They are themselves. They don't get caught up into the drama-filled-popularity trips and cliques, like the other kids do. And they are actually very high functioning stellar kids, who are mature and are very self-reliant and disciplined and they navigate themselves, amongst "icky" kids, very very well. They are also very sage like, in their observations of others and situations.
And some of them, are actually the "leaders" in class. Even if they are not the extroverted gad about type, kids.

And look, just TEACH your daughter... HOW to ask for help, how to speak up, etc. EVEN SHY KIDS, can do so. But you need to nurture that and teach the child.

You can always ask your Pediatrician, what he/she thinks.

With my kids, I never made a big deal over if they were shy or not, nor compared them to other kids.
And they had no hang ups about it.