Very Shy Child - Spring,TX

My daughter was EXACTLY the same way. You couldn't push her, you had to pull. I found that if I just let her go at her own pace, she'd get there eventually. She never went up the stairs until she knew she could do it perfectly - she never joined in with a group and until she felt completely comfortable (she always hung at the fringe). I asked all her teachers not to call on her UNLESS she raised her hand and we talked with her and explained that it would be so. My son was SOOO different (he was the first child) that it took a bit to realize she was just her own person and would do things in her own time. Although she's now 16 and very involved in lots of stuff, she still tends to hang back until she's at ease with a situation before she "throws" herself into it. Don't push or insist - it'll only cause friction and she'll begin to distrust you - YOU are her safety net - don't pull it out from under her.

Google Selective Mutism. It sounds like it may fit your daughter. Selective mutism is "beyond shy" where the child is so anxious in social settings they literally can not speak in that setting and appear frozen. These children may be extremely talkative and outgoing in their own home/comfort zone but tend to be almost fearful at school. Some even have issues in all public settings (like ordering at a restaurant for example). A developmental ped may be able to make the inital diagnosis for you. Good luck.

Shyness isn't something you need to "fix." In fact, in trying to do so, you're telling your daughter she isn't ok the way she is. What a boring world it would be if we were all outgoing!

I was terribly shy as a kid, but it wasn't a flaw. It's how I was and I was still a happy child with lots of friends. I hated to speak in public and was quiet and studious at school. It didn't harm me academically, as I won the most outstanding student award every year through elementary school.

Please accept your daughter for how she is, not how you want her to be. The best thing my parents and teachers did was accept me as me. I eventually outgrew some of the shyness and even had a job where I was a corporate spokesperson. But I outgrew parts of the shyness on my own terms, not because someone thought there was something wrong with me.

I agree with CAWriteMom the best thing you can do for your daughter is embrace the shyness. Being shy isn't a bad thing and if you actually think about the good things that come with being shy maybe that will help.

For example:
When shopping, even as a 1-2 year old my daughter never strayed when shopping at stores and when I allowed her to walk. I know kids who run as far as they can.
She is not a trouble maker at all. She follows rules and tends to stay clear from the more active kids. Who also might be the ones that cause trouble
She is not willing to walk away with strangers. I know kids who would grab a strangers hand and just keep walking. (My youngest)

These are just a few examples but you get the idea.

While, I do believe shyness can be overcome on its own. (I was extremely shy as a child) If you want to help her along, role play is helpful. Get down on the floor and play doll house with her. Use the characters by putting them in the situations where you see her be most shy. Have her work through ways on how she can work through her shyness.

I also think talking her through situations can help. My daughter would never go in a play scape at McDonald's. She would get to the top if she did finally nerve up the courage and just start crying. So I wouldn't force her. We would be with her cousins who were busy playing while she sat next to me. This is when I would talk to her. Why don't you want to go up there. She would say she was scared. I would then dig deeper. Whats scary? The top is scary. Well how about the bottom with the small slide? She would say the boys push her. I would say, they aren't intentionally pushing you, they are just trying to get by you. But at the same time assuring her it was ok that she didn't want to and maybe we could try another day. This would not get her to go up there right then, but the talks seemed to help sink in. Once she starts analyzing her fears and then giving in to those fears she learns hey this isn't so bad after all. Then that's all it takes, she begs to play in the play land now and even initiates friendship! She even comes back to me and tells proudly how she is playing with someone and I give her praise. (She is only 5, we've been working on this since she was around 3 1/2.)

In the end all that really matters is that you don't treat being "shy" as a negative thing. Good luck!

This is going to sound off the wall but it helped my son even though I wasn't even thinking of "fixing" his shyness. He was so shy that in stores he was right beside or behind me at all times. If people talked to him he was behind me in a flash. This included family and in our own home. Anyway the thing that got him out of that shell was a haircut. He saw a guy with a red mohawk. His eyes got huge and he whispered to me that he wanted a haircut like that. I at first told him no cause his father would flip out and being a shy child it would flip him out of being the center of attention from any and all who saw him.
Well he wasn't letting up on the idea. He kept asking and asking,almost daily. He kept at that for four months. I finally sat him down and explained to him that it would mean some drastic changes and expose him to all kinds of attention. He said he didn't care he just wanted his hair that way. I gave him the haircut. The first couple of times people got in his face he backed off and grabbed my hand. But then I saw an amazing thing he started to walk in front of me and away from him. He would stand there and quietly talk to those who asked him about his hair. He is still a bit shy but not like he was when he was 5 and half yrs old asking for a mohawk. Please don't think I'm suggesting a mohawk for her. I'm just giving you an example of worked for my shy child. He is still shy but not painfully so.
So my suggestion is look for something she is interested in and that puts in her the public eye. I would suggest a sport like soccer or such. Or acting or dance class or maybe even modeling.

Your answers seem to have fallen into two very different camps - one the "leave her alone" and the other "fix this now!" I don't know which is right for your daughter. My daughter too is very shy, and I was concerned for her. At the same time, I didn't want her to think that there was something "wrong" with her, as a) I love her how she is and b) shyness is one of the most pronounced traits a person can have from birth.

I talked to a child psychologist just to get some suggestions, because what I was doing to help her be more comfortable wasn't helping. To me, that was key - she wasn't shy and happy, she was shy and clearly nervous around people. That's not a good feeling. What the psychologist told me was so counterintuative, but has worked wonders. Before we go someplace where there are going to be a lot of people, or a few people she doesn't know, I say "there are going to be a lot of people, and that's going to make you really scared. You're going to get that funny feeling in your stomach. That's okay, but you need to remember that you'll have a lot more fun if you decide to talk to people." I also clearly lay out how much I'm going to let her cling to me. I say something like, "My friends are going to be there too. Its fine if you want to eat dinner with me, but I'm going to be talking to the grown-ups" or "I will stay inside the birthday party with you for 10 minutes, but after that I have to make a phone call so I'll have to step out of the room. You can either keep playing with everyone else or you can sit off to the side. You'll have more fun if you play with everyone else, but it's your choice."

What the psychologist told me, and what makes perfect sense, is that my daughter is/was not only shy, but was being totally rocked by the "out of control" feeling that she was getting when around a big group. I mean, everyone else was mingling/talking/playing, why was this so hard for her? And that reinforced the shy feeling, because she felt paralyzed. By helping her prepare for the "yucky" nervous feeling, she could get over it. It has helped soooo much. My daughter's still pretty shy, but she doesn't stick to me like glue anymore. She'll occasionally talk to adults in a big gathering. She'll almost always talk to kids at a party. We just had to help her change her pattern of self-talk from paralysis to "I can do this."

You might as well try it with your daughter. It's very accepting of who she is, but also recognizes that, at 5, she needs to be part of the process of making herself happy. You can't always make her comfortable, she needs to learn how to do that on her own.

Good luck!

Awwww.....she IS a shy girl!
I don't think "shy" can be fixed or corrected.
My son (7) has a buddy who I would not describe as "shy" but at group things--birthday parties, etc. he would sit on his mom's lap and not join in. For him I think it was a difficulty "entering an existing larger group" or something. He's a popular, athletic kid with lots of friends, but in those cases--he is--still--shy. It's better now, but at 5--he was "on the lap"!
Have you asked the teacher for some strategies to help her in class? I'm sure the teacher has dealt with this a time or two.
If she seems happy, I'll bet she IS happy. At 5, her personality is not forged in stone yet! I'll bet she has the confidence to speak up about the stuff she really likes or knows well.

I was extremely shy as a child and to some degree still is. I am an adult and still freeze in crowds when put on the spot and yet I have a ton of friends. She will find her own friends and social group in time, don't push it. Help her find one person she can get close to and she will begin to get out of her shell.

This sounds strange but I worked with the Girl Scouts for many years and I remember one child that was like that.. To get her involved I had her help me by passing out papers, taking things to children in the class etc. she became my helper, she took up the dues and helped me with the names etc. after several weeks she found out that they would not bite her when she went up to them. After several months her mother asked me what I had done to her child she was different and talked all the time now and was always wanting to go over to--------- house. This little girl did a turn around it does take time and one day she will thank you, just keep at it. Good Luck.

I am having similar problems with my 9 year old. It got so bad she was being home schooled and I am currently trying to get her on home bound services so I can get her help and still be registered in school. My goal is to get her back to school but her succeed this time.

I know this isn't a story you want to hear I just hope it can help you I wish someone would have helped me with learning about selective mutism info 4 years ago.

This may not apply to your daughter, but you should consider the possibility that she's not shy, but rather introverted. I've always been an introvert and it took me years to understand that it's not a bad thing. To read more about introverts, just google Myers-Briggs personality type and you'll find a ton of resources.
Being an introvert isn't a disease or a disorder, but in the U.S. far more of the population is extroverted, so most extroverts don't know how to deal with a introverted child. Put simply, extroverts recharge their "batteries" by being with others. Introverts recharge their "batteries" by being alone. Big crowds over stimulate and over whelm us.
Linda, who described the Girl Scout, who came out of her shell by helping others ... that girl sounded just like an introvert to me. Once she had a task to focus on, she did much better.

It's just something to consider. If your daughter is an introvert, learning about it now would only benefit you.

I was like this as a child. I am an outgoing adult. My Mom was patient. Don't over worry it would be my advice. And of course present her with every possible occasion to push through it.

I have to agree with Michelle C. I have a selective mute 15 year old. It's been really, really difficult. I went the route, or "just shy" until age 10. Treatment is much easier and effective with younger children. We're still having issues, and medication has been the only thing that has helped.

People don't realize how difficult this can be. In elementary school, it was not a big problem, because they have one teacher, and parents can still be very involved. The older they get, the more difficult it is. The school wants her to advocate for herself, but she doesn't. I want her to be able to do that too. Facing many issues as she gets older. Please at least look into this.

I know how you feel. My child has the exact same problem. She is only 4 though. We've been seeing a child psychologist few times. I heard that usually school has a speech therapist who will help these kids. A friend of mine sent her child to speech therapy which has helped. It's a play therapy. Ask her school to see if they offer.
Good luck.

This was me as a kid and although I'm a normal, functioning adult today, my first gut instinct is to stay in a corner and not talk to anyone. I have to overcome the initial reaction constantly. The best thing you can do is support and encourage her without pushing. I also really like the advice of preparing her for the yucky nervous feeling. If you can think of any ways to make her comfortable with mistakes, that might be helpful, too. Perfectionism can be a problem even at a young age. The fear of being wrong and having everyone look at you can be overwhelming. Hang in there!