Shouldn't My Daughter Be in My Stepson's Wedding?

Updated on May 18, 2009
J.B. asks from Independence, MO
4 answers

Hello Mamas. I need some advice on how to handle this situation. My 20-year-old stepson is getting married in Texas in August. We were very close to him, he lived with us for 3 years after my daughter was born. He was so excited to have a little sister. They were very close, until his mother and step father moved to Texas (they ASKED for a transfer. His stepfather is in the Marines.) He had the choice to stay with us, but he didn't want to hurt his mother's feelings. I understand that was a terrible situation for him to be put in. But his mother typically thinks only of herself and was looking for an "adventure" when they decided to ask for the transfer. Her letter to the Division of Family and Child Services stated that my stepson would be brought back to KC 5-6 times a year to see family and friends that were still in the area. He's been gone now for 4 or 5 years and we've seen him 5-6 times IN ALL! She totally did not fulfill her requirement. Yet we still paid child support and tried to remain in contact with him, but as can be expected his life became full down there and we were forgotten somewhat. That was to be expected especially with him being in high school when his friends are much more fun than his family, but this was very hard for his little sister to understand.

He graduated 2 years ago this month from high school and of course we made the trek to witness the event. We drove 10 hours and were granted 2 hours with him. Weren't invited to his big graduation party or anything. Were able to take him and his then girlfriend (now fiance) to dinner after graduation and saw him for about 10 minutes the next morning. He didn't have time for breakfast even because his mother had him busy with errands for the party. So, we drove 10 hours to graduation that night and turned around and drove home. Now he is getting married in August (to a woman that is just like his mother from what we know of her) and his little sister wasn't asked to be flower girl or junior bridesmaid or anything. I didn't think anything of it at first because the I thought the bride usually chose the flower girl and I assumed she had chosen a niece or family friend or something. Last week though I was talking to my step son and he informed me that his uncle's daughter's daughter (that makes her a 2nd cousin, right?) was going to be the flower girl because she is the "perfect flower girl age" whatever that is. I didn't say anything to him at the time. But was thinking some more about it and I think allowing his little sister (who will be 9 next week) to be in his wedding would be a great way to honor her and make her feel important, she completely adores her big brother and tells everyone about him and that he's about to get married. She thinks he hung the moon.

She's not upset about this but I think when the time comes she'll be upset and feel left out. What can I say to him to make him realize he's remiss here?

What can I do next?

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D.H.

answers from Kansas City on

Unfortunately it is usually the brides choice for the flowergirl...it may be that the bride does know the cousin and she lives close to your son and that is why she was chosen. The best thing you can do is explain to your daughter that her brother loves her, but it wasn't his choice. If she was in the wedding, then you'd have to deal with his mother also...I'm sure that wouldn't be fun for you or your husband. Be thankful that you are invited to the wedding...go with your best game faces on and remember that it is his and his brides day. Be the bigger person from your son's side of the family...trust me people will see that you are gracious and not there to cause trouble and will appreciate that. No matter what his mother may do, grin and bear it. I've been to several weddings with step family, including my own and when the "other" family stood back and remained annonymous, things went well...when they tried to be "a part of the event" things didn't go so well and made everyone uncomfortable. Hope this helps. Good luck and God Bless.

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C.W.

answers from Kansas City on

I agree with the other two moms about the actual wedding day...It is hard for you, but it is about the couple and the Bride getting to plan her big day. But I am going to offer something that may help you, Dad and lil sister feel involved.

Invite the Bride and Groom back to your home within a few months after wedding for a reception with his friends and family that are local to you and are not able to travel for the wedding. Hold a "mock" ceremony for them, which would let the little sister be involved. Let the Brdie & Groom know that this is Dad & Step-Mom's additional gift to them and all they have to do is show up for it. It does not have to be all out fancy and you could do it in your home or back yard. Serve a cake and some finger foods just to hold everyone over.

Do not hold a grudge - Because if you say the Bride is alot like Mom (which is typically true, a son usually marries someone like his mom), then by holding a grudge you will only make things worse for your family relationship with them.

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C.M.

answers from Kansas City on

Sorry if I sound blunt but this is a touchy subject for me. First of all, I am sorry that things have turned out the way they have with your stepson. It is a hard situation with him so far away and it is ashame that he can't be closer to his sister. Having said that, this is HIS wedding, not yours or your daughters. It is their decision who they have in their wedding and you need to stay out of it. If you don't show hurt feelings about the situation, your daughter will be fine with all of it. Most of the time, it is the bride that makes all those types of desicions, not the groom. Usually, the groom just kind of does what he's told and doesn't even think about how it will effect family or friends. And since you are not a major part of his life anymore, your daughter is not the first person he is going to think of to add to the wedding plans. Don't make a big deal out of it and just be happy that he is making good decisions in his life. It is more important that he just find a way to spend some time with his sister while you are there for the wedding.

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C.V.

answers from Kansas City on

I totally understand because my SIL did the same thing to me when I was little.She "felt sorry" for a girl at church and gave her the flower girl role.Anyway it's their wedding and we can't choose for them.What you could do is talk to your Son and ask if there was a way they could give her a small role (Ex:gift table,sign in book,handing out programs) Anything that would make her feel like she was a part.I know it's not flower girl or junior bride but atleast she would feel invloved.

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