Did My Mother Go Overboard????

did the Bride-to-be say "but don't tell her, I want to be the one to tell her."
The Bride-to-be needs to put on her "big girl panties" and move on. Sorry, I don't think you mother did anything wrong. Sounds to me like maybe the Bride-to-be overbooked her wedding party and had decided NOT to ask the little sister to be in the wedding and now feels backed into a corner.

D.
SAHM of three: 19,18,and 5

A wedding is a very special event when you are planning it you only plan to have one. She might have had a special way to ask. This is her wedding, not the moms. My husband and I were engaged at 18 and married at 20. We are still happily married today. I think she just made a mistake. And now she knows the bride to be is sensitive right now probably stressed out. Just keep an open mind.

wow, married at 18. there's an act of bravery. i hope it works for them. anyways, back to the topic...most brides are overly sensitive regardless. you can mess up without meaning to, but yes, M. messed up. an apology is in order, but i'm she's already done that.

18 is the start of your life that’s when everything seem wonderful and mainly when you are getting married. You want everything to be just so (perfect) mainly if you are spending a bulk of money even so on lil weddings. Again, 18 is just a number but at that age everything is very special and your mother should have left it up to her. I was planning my second marriage and same as my first there was always someone stepping on my toes when I wanted something done one way it was done another or better yet I was told it would be more reasonable to do things this way. Well I didn’t think I had a hand in planning either of my marriages. But never the less I was grateful I just over looked it and started thinking of our honeymoon and our life together. As other readers stated maybe she had a way of doing things and she got her feelings hurt. Here is something to look at if she is acting this way who’s to say when they have children and your mother wants to help or be there at the birth or any future event how will she act if your mother tries to help or offer advice. Your future SIL needs to account for her future MIL's feelings as well or they will butt heads all the time. You have to get along with your in-laws or you will become outlaws for the rest of your life and that is no life every time you get together hard feelings will arise, you want your time with everyone to be special you don’t want your husband to think OH GOODNESS that time of year it makes things between the bride and groom very touchy. That is something to think about, if this is how she reacts to this, then how will she react to the MIL giving advice which we all know will happen... Best of Luck to you and your family.

T.

Sounds like the bride to be is being a little petty about it.

Uh oh...I feel a Bridezilla coming on...

I'm sensitive about little stuff, too, but the bride should have asked her when she made the decision. She honestly shouldn't have let a month go by.

I don't care how old the bride is - she has a right to be upset. It's not the mother's place say anything. Yes, a month is a long time, but either way, it's the bride's job, and it's a very special thing to do. When I got married, I did something very nice for all of my bridesmaids when I asked them, including my future sisters-in-law. My future mother-in-law knew I was going to ask them, and she kept her mouth shut if they asked her before I had had the chance.

I don't think so... It was a month later. The bride should have already asked by now. There was ample time to ask. If I had to guess, the bride was/is having 2nd thoughts and wasn't going to ask your sister, and now she obligated to have your sister in there. OR, she's haveing 2nd thought about getting married altgether.

Given what information we have all read (we don't know what kind of relationship your M. and the bride had before this little tiff), I agree with previous posts that the bride needs to "put on her big girl panties" and "get over it". It's done. However, if she is around the same age as your brother, some of this whole issue could be a lack of maturity (no offense - she may be the epitome of maturity, I just know there's lots of... uh... not so mature girls out there, shall we say?), and if she did decide to not include your sister, she may be embarrassed and lashed out at your mother for creating a situation she cannot easily get out of.

I don't believe your mother overstepped her boundaries if she did it innocently. However, M. would be the "bigger person" and hopefully get back in Bridey's good graces by apologizing for the perceived wrong doing and be honest that she did not mean to step on anyone's toes or to hurt the bride's feelings and that (I'm assuming) she didn't know to keep quiet about the bridesmaids choices.

Weddings are a mess many times and feelings get hurt so very easily. This cat-out-of-the-bag may have taken away from the whole "bride's day" as so many say (I disagree - I think it is also the groom's day, but I love my husband), but some people's feathers just can't be unruffled. If M. acted with good intentions, remember that and try not to let the BRIDE stress YOU out over the wedding. Good luck.

Oh, and as you asked if we readers would be upset if we were the bride? I would have been like "oh... oops... okay, well that's done now, let's GET OVER IT. :)

Personally, NO; however, it looks like your brother's fiance is probably young like him, 18ish, and I'm sorry to say being a bride to be as well as a late teenager, that might upset her. I know your M. didn't mean anything by it, I'm sure she's probably apologized a million times... Most women stress out about weddings, the thing is, those little details that they stress out about, they'll forget and no one else will remember.

Your M. didn't officially ask her, and if she wasn't sworn to secrecy she did ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong. If she was - well, then yeah - she goofed.

Even if secrecy were sworn, a reasonable act on the bride's part would have been to tell the girl within a week or so after asking her M. for permission. (I'm assuming that's why she told her, and not just to get a bigger shower gift?)

Bride over reacted. M. answered daughter's question truthfully... with knowledge that, by all rights, the daughter should have already heard from the b2b.

FTR, I do not feel like an elder should have to continually apologize - especially when the odds are good that she's paying for half the wedding. If one of my FDILs began acting like that and I *was* paying for the wedding, I'd strongly encourage my son to either walk away or elope, because I was no longer paying.

S.

This is a hard situation. If the Bride really wanted your sister in the wedding, why wait a month to ask her. Maybe your M. didn't realize that the Bride didn't talk to your sister. I understand the Bride being upset, but she should have talked with your sister fairly soon after talking with your M.. I don't think that your M. was wrong, but I also don't think that the Bride has a good reason to be upset. Just my opinion.

I didn't read the other posters so sorry if I'm a repeat but did the bride specifically ask you M. to keep it a secret? If so, then she has a right to be upset. If she never told your M. that she specifically wants to ask her herself then she has no right to be upset and sounds a little dramatic to me.
Your M. did not go overboard unless she was going against the brides wishes.
Take care!

I don't feel that M. went overboard. It is always an honor and pleasure to be asked to be in a loved ones wedding. Therefore, no matter how you recieved the news, be grateful that someone thought enough to ask you to be involved in the wedding party.
Respectfully Yours,
Von

Yes, I would be. Brides are especially sensitive and it is a moment in their lives they will never relive. Your M. should not have said anything, although I'm sure she meant no harm(I hope!). Your M. should quickly apologize for overstepping her bounds and remember this incident so as to avoid future problems with son and daughter-in-law.

To me the question is why did the bride to be tell your mother, and then a month later still had not asked your sister??? If it was important for the bride to be to ask your sister herself, then she should have asked your sister before she told your mother. If she slipped and told your mother, she should have either called your sis right away to ask her to be in the wedding, or asked your M. to please not tell for whatever length of time she was planning to wait before officially asking. So no, I dont think I would be upset if I were the bride in this situation, the fault was hers.

Sounds to me like you may have a "bridezilla" on your hands.
Sisters of the groom are always bridesmaids. Just like brothers of the bride are groomsmen. Whats the big "secret"???
Who cares if your M. told your sister? The bride can still do it officially if she wants. There really is no reason to be upset unless she planned to change her mind about having your sister as a bridesmaid. Anyway, if your M. told you sister that the bride was going to ask her, why did she go and tell the bride? They should of just played along with it and wait for the bride do her thing and "ask".

Anyway,being a bride is no excuse to disrespect your elders.
Especially a future MIL. So if the bride is upset over this, hopefully she has the decency(and maturity) to handle it gracefully. No need for her to be dramatic. It's unbecoming.

First of all... it doesn't matter how old are you are when you get married. It's about love, not age.

It sounds like to me that maybe your mother just made a mistake. I can understand the bride to be upset about it, but I wouldn't sweat any tears over it.

the bride needs to get over it. she had a month to ask your sister. your M. may not have known that her future daughter in law didn't ask her. your sister was curious and your M. answered. why did she take over a month to ask? was she considering changing her mind. brides can be touchy.

sahm to a 10 year old boy and a five year old boy. we have 2 dogs and 3 cats. two were on purpose and one by accidnet. W. d.

Not to be rude, but who cares if the bride is right or wrong? I wouldn't get involved. It is not worth a family brouha-ha. The right thing for your M. to do is to apologize, right or wrong (because that doesn't matter here, it isn't a moral issue) and tell the new bride she is really sorry, it never occurred to her that it was a secret. She was thoughtless, that's all. Everyone else who isn't the bride or the future mother-in-law should just drop it and not get involved. If the bride wants to talk about it, tell her to talk to her MIL. If M. wants to talk about it, tell her to talk to the bride.

For the sake of family peace, don't even listen to either side. Just smile and say, "Well M., that was thoughtless. Talk to the bride" or "Well, bride, I'm sure she didn't mean any harm, talk to M. about it."

VickiS

Yeah, I would have been upset if I were the bride in this situation. Like another mentioned, the bride may have wanted to change her mind. Or maybe even ask in a special way of her own. Your M. probably didn't even think about that when she responded to your sister's question. But I can definately see how the bride might be a tad upset about this. Enjoy the wedding!! :)

For sure I would be upset- It wasnt your mothers position to do so and she really should of known that- Then again- a simple apology should be given and accepted by the bride to be- I am assuming that the bride is young- almost seems too young to een be thinking about getting married - so.... I am sure the immaturity factor may have blown it out of porportion. Can't they jsut stay engaged for a while- 18 man that is just so young. M. may have just mentioned it to make your sister happy without thinking about the consequences.

D

A lot of times brides have a special way they want to ask the bridesmaids and that can really burst her bubble. The only excuse might be that your mother thought she had already told everyone but in that case i would have been quiet think that maybe she changed her mind about asking your sister. M. really needs to apologize and step back a little for the wedding. Brides want it to be their way, theri dream and hopefully only once. I would be upset. I know someone told about a secret, home made, time consuming gift and i got my feeling very hurt. Kind of the old little kid rule...if is ain't your don't touch it.

Yes, this is a very special day for the bride and it is her place to ask. What if the bride changed her mind about your sister being in the Wedding. It just makes this more akward. Unless told other wise, your mother needs to let the bride and groom do the asking.

Wow I never did get the whole wedding thing. Why does it have to be about the bride and everyone elses power struggles. IMO if she is going to freak out over this, she needs to have a reality check. If she wants to get pissy and into power struggles with her soon to be MIL then she should continue acting like a brat and have a life time of troubles with her MIL. And I am always shocked how many women support people getting into fights and power stuggles. Yes it is her wedding, but more important it is the start of lifetime with your spouse and families.

Now good manners would have been to let the bride to be do the honors. You can argue that the MIL is out of line. But so what. But I would seriously have your brother tell her to drop, it is not worth holding a grudge over. I would never in my life have the nerve to treat my MIL like that. And yes she has stepped on my toes, but always with good intentions. And I sure would be upset if my spouse did not alway treat my with respect(even though more often than not she does not deserve it).

I don't mean to be so negative. But Family is far more important than a wedding and fairy tale stories.