Should I Tell My Husband?

K.,

Reread your request. You already have a scenario set up that involves a little white lie with your 4 year old. Is that the path you want to go down? This man has a place in your heart, and that is where it should stay. If you bring it out of there, than you bring with it the hurt feelings of your husband, the lies, the guilt, etc. Even if it is just lunch. Call me old fashioned, but I believe that when you make a committment to someone, it means you have to make sacrifices, and this is a sacrifice that you have to decide on yourself. Either you sacrifice seeing the old flame, or you sacrifice the trust in your husband. I don't think your husband would be out of line here if he was hurt. Ommission is also a lie. Call this ex up and tell him the truth, that you are married now and it wouldn't feel right to have lunch with him. You can 'catch up' on facebook, with many others viewing, so you have nothing to hide. The bottom line is that you need to feel good about your actions in the long term, not just for now. A lot to think about, take a step back, and go with your gut. Good luck.

Don't do it. If you are not comfortable telling your husband then you know it is wrong. If you are curious about this guy, chat with him on facebook. Any questions you have can be answered without meeting him.

K.,
If your husband did that to you how would you feel about it? I personally would be hurt, angry and lose trust in him. If I were you, I would not even go. There is no need unless you are seeking to get some positive attention and validation that you crave. I am NOT being sarcastic here, honestly.

It is human nature to want that. I know it feels good to me to have someone look at me as if I am attractive and a sexual being after being married to my husband for 10 years. Ask yourself this question, "if I had to wear no make-up on and sweat pants to meet up with this guy, would I still go just to "catch up" and find out how he is doing?"

My suggestion-get a babysitter and set up a hot date with your hubby instead!!!

Hmmm, why are you feeling so guilty if it isn't cheating?

S.

Hi K.,

My only question is how would you feel it the same scenerio were done to you and it came out? Remember what is done in the dark always comes to the light, it may take a while but it does. I am by no way judging you or how you feel, we have all been there! when i have challenging decision to make i try to remember to put myself in the other person shoes. If you feel as though the husband will have a problem with you going, that maybe your answer, maybe catching up on face book is enough, Just something to think about.

Take care

If you are feeling guilty about it..then don't do it. It's not worth risking a fight with your husband. How would you feel if you found out your husband went to lunch with an old "girlfriend" without telling you and you found out later? Better to be up front about it. Why can't the guy just be happy with talking to you over facebook? Keep us updated and good luck!!

Having been in this position, only reversed, please tell your husband. Imagine yourself in his position, how would you feel? Would you be able to trust him again? As I am living it now, trust is the hardest thing to regain. Losing what you and your hubby have built for 11 years is not worth one lunch with a former flame. If you feel your marriage is stale and you are somehow maybe looking to see what could have been, talk to your hubby and tell him your feelings.

If you wouldn't feel comfortable with you husband there, then you shouldn't do it. If bringing up a meeting with this guy would hurt your husband, what do you think he'll feel like when he finds out (and he will) that you went to meet him "secretly"? It would not be a comfort to me if I found out my husband did the same thing and brought our child along as insurance; in fact, I think I would be more upset. Bottom line: talk to you husband about it and make sure he is ok with it or don't do it. If you don't want to talk to your husband about it, that says a lot in itself and you would be wise to listen to that warning in your heart that is making you think twice.

K.,

I would try placing myself in my husbands shoes before deciding to do anything. Your posting is already a few days old so I'm hoping that you haven't done anything just yet. But would you be comfortable with your husband going out to lunch without your knowing with an ex-girlfriend that he slept with on you that could've broken you up? If your answer is "no", then let your husband know that you were at least in contact with him to see his response. If it's not a good reaction, then don't go to lunch (I repeat, "DON'T GO TO LUNCH"!)and just ask over face book how is life is going and keep it moving.

You can keep a special place in your heart with your first without it being at the expense of your marriage. Which one is more important? So I just suggest you really be honest with your husband, and yourself. A lunch isn't so innocent if you have to hide it, nothing is really. Your friend will understand if you can't make lunch, but you'll never know how your hubby will feel about it if you don't let him know beforehand.

I hope it all works out for the best as I'm sure it will.

Take care and Happy Holidays!

A

Honesty is the foundation of marriage and if you are sneaky about something, it means you have reason to be sneaky. Always tell the truth... integrity will never leave you with holes in your story.
Wouldn't you want your husband to tell you if he was having lunch with some girl he used to love?
If I were you and I were having this many hesitations about what your husband would think and how it would bring up old wounds, I wouldn't even go to lunch with the other guy. Why hurt my husband who loves me to see some guy who doesn't...It seems like you are inviting all kinds of potential problems. Being sneaky is NOT going to make you feel good about a situation.
I would fully examine the reasons you WANT to have lunch with your ex...

Well, I 've been married for 15 years and from experience it's never good to keep things like this to yourself. You should definetly tell him that this guy contacted YOU and you were hoping it was ok to "catch-up " with him. Be respectful with your husband, if you ARE trustworthy, then he will trust you. Doe's this guy have a wife?? What is he doing? In my experience, getting together with old boyfriends sounds good, but ends feeling "yucky". Good luck with your decision, A. F

I agree very much with Jennifer. To keep a good solid marriage you have to have complete trust and openness. I would be very angry if my husband did what you are considering doing. If you don't think you can bring your husband along to meet this person from your past, then you shouldn't meet him. I agree too... if you want to keep your relationship with your husband a solid one, then allow him access to facebook and any other account you're on. There shouldn't be any secrets in a solid marriage.

The fact that this person was someone you cheated on when you were with your husband just adds to the reason it isn't a good idea.

It may seem like fun and exciting to meet this old flame.. BUT think about the future.. will it build up your marriage? will it create an honest and more long-lasting relationship? .. I doubt you'd say it would.

This might be a small thing a small lie, but if you don't stop the small lies and small things... they'll eventually turn into something much bigger, that'll lead to heartache and hurt.

My FIL cheated on my MIL and they are now divorced and it started with small things... and now both of them are unhappy.

I think you are playing with fire here, because I've seen too many times how these seemingly innocent relationships can lead to affairs and divorce. I know that's not what'
s in your mind at this point, but I hope you will look at this in the cold light of day and not meet this guy or continue communicating with him. This is a disaster just waiting to happen!

Definitely a very bad idea. It's better to leave your life less complicated. If you want to catch up, a phone call or e-mail should be enough, if at all. But, I think if you truly value your husband and your marraige, you will put that above your "curiosity", and let it go. It would be terribly deceitful and hurtful for your husband to find out after the fact, even if nothing ever came of it.
Deep down, I am sure that you know what is right. And, you probably aren't being completely honest with your feelings on why you would like to see him.
Good Luck!

Put the shoe on the other foot. What if your husband was doing this? My opinion is not to go and not to even communicate over facebook, why even make yourself think about it......

Do not go! This is a terrible deception to your husband!

I think you have only two options if you are wise.

1.) Don't meet him at all.
2.) Meet him with your whole family.

I would keep NO secrets and flip the coin. If the tides were turned and it was your husband meeting an old girlfriend that he cheated on you with (even if it was before marriage) wouldn't you be ticked?

Honestly this is how a small spark gets rekindled. Be wise. Protect your marriage and be a good example to your son.

Blessings

Either tell your husband the whole truth or don't go. This guy was more than just a friend and almost came between you and your husband once before. If you're 4 year old is going with you he is bound to innocently mention it at some point and if you haven't told your husband he'll wonder why you didn't tell him. It will seem very suspicious if you go without telling him and he finds out later from your son. He may worry needlessy if you tell him or even say he doesn't want you to go but thats better than being deceitful to your husband and regretting it.

Hi K...I suggest you tell your husband your truth. NOTHING good comes out of a lie. If you open your marriage up to deceitfulness you have opened a door to never ending lies. You will always have to keep this a secret from your husband. Look at it from his standpoint. If its honest and just friends meeting friends why would you lie about it? Your husband will undoubtedly think it was something more than that. Then you bring your innocent child into lies which isnt a smart thing to do. I think in a marriage (i have been married for 8 years now), if you're doing something you have to keep a secret from your spouse its something you should not be doing. Lastly, because I could think of a million reasons why lieing about it is a bad idea. You never let someone outside of your home come between you and your spouse. Dont let someone else compromise your marriage. Think about it. And reconsider it. You seem to be excited about seeing your ex if youre already thinking of the lie to cover up the meeting. Think about your husband and his feelings if you sneak and do this and he finds out before you tell him or after youve lied about it. It changes the dynamics of your marriage FOREVER...Put family first and always be truthful..Then ask yourself the same situation if it were you how would you feel before and after...BE WISE....

K. -

I've thought about your question for a few days because I totally understand everything you put out there. I have a few old boyfriends that I think of from time to time and wonder about. When you've been close to someone and really cared about them, you hope that they are happy and doing well. Please know that I completely get what you're thinking, but here's something that happened to me that you should consider:

Ten years into my first marriage, I went to California on business and looked up an old boyfriend (my first true love)and we met for a drink. I knew he was happily married with four children. I had nothing more than catching up in mind. We had a wonderful visit and he told me repeatedly what a happy, passionate marriage he had. Nothing happened and I left feeling great that we had re-connected. Unfortunately, when I returned home, he suddenly started calling my office all the time. He told me he couldn't stop thinking about me, he suggested meeting once a year ("like in Nebraska, or something",) then he started telling me how he never got over me and it turned very "stalker'ish." He even contacted my parents. My husband never knew, so it had nothing to do with the demise of my marriage, but it was very difficult for me. I didn't think I had done anything to lead him to believe that this was more than a drink with an old friend to catch up on our lives, but, somehow, it was all different in his mind.

Having learned that lesson, I just thought I'd share it with you. YOU may have all the best intentions in the world, but you really don't know what he's thinking or feeling. I am very happily married and wouldn't compromise my marriage for ANYTHING. I know my husband and even though, to me, lunch with an old friend is truly nothing he should worry about, it would be a HUGE betrayal in his eyes. I'm sure you know how your husband would feel, too. Some men are very secure and can handle stuff like this without jealousy or issues. My husband is not one of them. If it were me, I would have lunch with my husband instead.

I hope everything goes well for you, K.. Regards, L.

I don't think you should go without telling your husband. If he's uncomfortable with you going, don't go. Leave it up to him.

I think he should know about you making any contact with your friend. Especially with the fact that you had more than just a friendship with him. Regardless of how long ago it was.

Why wouldn't you tell him?

K.,
Since you are thinking of keeping this from him, it sounds like you know that this is wrong to do. I would be devastated if my husband met with his ex and kept it from me intentionally. This could cause a huge problem with your marriage, so I would not so it! Also, you never know if he may hear about it later, what if you go to lunch and bump into someone that knows your husband? This would cause even more problems! Also, it sounds like you still think about this guy on occasion, what if all of your old feelings for him come back? You just have to think about your son and your husband and what is best. Good luck!

What I am about to say, is because I believe in the protection of marriage. I believe it should be protected, honored and guarded at all cost.

First of all your question is the wrong one. It should have been, "Should I be meeting this old "FRIEND" in the first place? Not should I be telling my hubby.

The very fact that you are even concerned about any of it should be telling you there is "something" not right here.

I won't take the time to get too detailed. I think you already know what it wrong about this. But, let let me ask you the bottom line question? This will help the whole decision process.

Is this worth causing a problem in your relationship with your husband? Your husband is suppose to be your "Best Friend," your encourager, supporter, lover,and father of your child. Why would you want to hurt him, make him feel insecure, or concerned, at the very least? If this "friend" had only been a friend, the situation would be slightly different. But, you have admitted he has a piece of your heart. You need to run away from this situation not toward this situation. You have more to LOOSE than gain.

Think on all you have to risk. If you make your husband feel badly, was it worth it? If you two disagree, and this becomes a stressful atmosphere, is it worth it to your child's feelings?

Think deep of the real WHY do you want to do this. Be honest with yourself. I think you just might realize there is more to this. What are you "really" getting from all this?

I always say, "Error on the side of caution." At all cost, PROTECT THE FAMILY AND MARRIAGE."

Here's a question for you...
How would you feel if your husband was meeting a women he had slept with, in his past? I'm sure you would be uncomfortabe, at the very least.

Think how honored, adored and loved you would feel then your husband said, "No, lunch isn't going to happen, she is my past, my K. is my today and forever!"

Maybe, your husband would love to here that comment from you.

Good luck , love your husband, your son, yourself, enough to make safe choices.

C.

With all due respect, I don't think it is wise at all to see or talk to this man given your past with him. I think that this will only create jealousy and doubt with your husband, even if it is very innocent. Why invite that kind of atmosphere into your good marriage just to find out what is up with this guy. Or, maybe subconsciously you are looking for something more, or you would not feel it is so important that you would lie to your husband? I would resist the temptation to meet with this man and put all of your energy into keeping your marriage solid, especially if your husband loves you so much that he has forgiven you and moved on and married you. It is already hard enough to have a strong marriage without inviting this kind of temptation into it. You have a little boy now to think about, what happens in your relationship doesn't just affect you anymore. I hope you consider my advice, I really feel that you are in danger of damaging your relationship with your husband for something that shouldn't be that important to you in this stage of your life.

God Bless,
A.

In response to your update question: If you think that it will make him worry, then you shouldn't tell him, but you shouldn't go either. It sounds like its too risky. You'll be able to see what your old friend is up to on Facebook. Leave it at that.

Also, please never put your son into the position of having to keep secrets or not be 100% truthful. even if you think he won't realize it. they know more than we think.

I know you already had a lot of responses, but I feel strongly about this one!

OK, I'm not going to be as nice as the other responses... He's an EX for a reason. And the fact that you think this may upset your husband and your still willing to go begs for the question, WHY? And taking your son with you to use him as a pawn in your deceit to your husband is just wrong. And to bring him to make sure nothing happens is wrong, since you shouldn't be going in the first place. It's been 11 years, so what's the outcome your looking for? A nice lunch? I don't think so, if that was the case you'd have no problem telling your husband. You can spin this anyway you want, but your being deceitful to your husband and using your son in the process. In my opinion it's a form of cheating. What are you looking for in all of this. Everyone else can sugar coat their responses but there is a reason your not telling your husband and already spinning ways to explain the meeting if he finds out from your son.
Don't do it. I'm sure you wouldn't be happy if your husband was planning on doing this to you. Put yourself in his shoes. I already feel sorry for him. And if you want to hear about this guys life, that's what facebook is for. I'm on it and have reconnected with a ton of people from my past, but let me tell you, my husband has access to my account and I have no problem with him looking at my wall or posts, can you say the same?
Sorry if I sound harsh, but a dose of reality never hurt anyone.
I hope in the end your make the right decision.

With the best intent...
J. in Macomb

It is impossible to keep ecrets and keep a relationship. I read this in the book'conscious Loving by Gay and Kathleen Hendricks and have found it to be true. They explain that it starts with WITHHOLDING information AND LEADS TO withdrawing FROM THE PERSON TO AVOID TELLING THE SECRET AND LEADS TO resentment BECAUSE THE PERSON MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER TO KEEP THE SECRET AND LEADS TO PROJECTION IN WHICH YOU ACCUSE THE OTHER PERSON OF MAKING YOU UNCOMFORTABLE.
Sorry, I screwed up the caps, but I think you get the progression. They worked with thousands of couples and found many near divorces could be traced back to withheld information.
When you are so close, he will fel that there is something you are keeping from him and you will be forced to lie again!
If your husband ever found out, it would be dobly painful because you will have lied twice.
If you truly are clear about your intentions, tell him your plans and share with him that you preferred to tell hm the truth and risk worrying him rather than even consider hiding anything from him
That will make im feel that he can really trust you. ... and then it will actually be true
There is no such thing as a little lie. Its like you can't be a little bit pregnant. A lie is a lie
Base your relationship on transparent trust and honesty and you both will feel secure
E. M.

You should not even meet this guy, because there is still something there that both of are feeling and it may go too far. Even though your son will be there, temptation can be scary. Don't set yourself up for a fall. Dont even mention that the guy even called, because it can cause tension in yur marriage. It could be a reason for your husband to do th same thing.

Jaan B

To your husband, "Honey, I'm meeting an old friend for lunch, why don't you join us?"

I see you already had your lunch date but I had to put my 2 cents in for you or anyone else that said it was ok. K. leave your past in the past, do not do that to your hubby. He may have said it was ok but I think in reality, he is just not telling you the truth. If you cheated on him in the past with this man and you love your hubby, how could you even think of asking him if it was ok to have lunch with this man, married or not, it is wrong and to bring you son with you, that is like you taking him just so you will have a reason NOT to want to have feelings for him or so he can prevent anything from happening. THe whole situation is wrong. You should not put your son in the middle of anything like this. THis is not teaching him good morals. Your son is not a pawn and it is your husbands son as well, you are being very shaddy in this situation. I know the lunch is done, but you obviously have feelings for your past still or you wouldnt be scared to have told your hubby. Truth and honest is so important in a marriage and yes you were honest with him, but even a lunch date with an ex, is cheating. What if your husband wanted to go to lunch with a women he slept with, and bring your son along? Did you ever put yourself in his place? I really think that facebook for married and committed people is just a time bomb waiting to happen. I think I feel sorry for your hubby in reality and hope that you dont hurt him cause he seems like a good man and you should really consider letting your past go. Oh and you think having lunch with another man is respecting your hubby, you are dead wrong. I have no temptations because my hubby takes very good care of me and I am truely in love with him and him only-I would never dream of hurting him, going out to lunch with another man, being tempted by another man and definately not taking HIS kids to lunch with a man I slept with in high school-so DISRESPECTFUL!

Don't tell him. Explain you have been invited to lunch and ask him if he minds if you went, with your son. Then you have no reason to feel guilty and he has no reason to worry. Just be prepared for him to say no. You can always catch up with your friends life via e-mail. (he probably hasn't aged well anyway!)

D

My feelings on it..... <thinking if I ran into one of my old friends... and alot of my friends were guys>

Honey, a friend asked me to meet him for lunch. We'll be at Panera at noon. I'll have the little one with me. We are just visiting... etc etc.

You meet him for lunch.. chat... he meets the little one, you talk about the direction your life went.. him his.

Go home.

I can think of a few guy friends I'd love to chat with again and see how they are doing. I didn't sleep with any of them ever, but my husband is also secure that I wouldn't.

Your husband might ask you all the appropriate why questions, but the "cheating on" moment happened pre marriage.

IF you think your up and up, tell your husband where your going and who your meeting.
If you think that you couldn't handle the temptation.. its all on you then to decide not to go.

Why not just a phone call to the guy? If you have a history with him, why tempt yourself? I feel you should be open and honest with your husband--I feel it would be deceiving him otherwise. Put yourself in his place...how would you feel? Personally I would feel unsure of our relationship especially since you have been intimate with the other fellow. My mind would go to many scenarios about whether or not you were happy in your current relationship...of course these are just my opinions. To keep a relationship strong, you should have an open communication format. Once again, my opinion.

Always tell the truth. Your husband should know about you having lunch with this guy especially since you are taking your child with you. Think about what will happen if he finds out. He may question whether you've been honest with him about other things in your relationship. Stay true to your marriage.

Good Luck!

Hello K.,
I found your question interting and wanted to let you know if I was you I will not tell my husband about you finding your X on facebook. You keep that to yourself and go to lunch with him and don't take your son if your don't have too.

Deceitful? Maybe. Still the right thing given the circumstances? Probably.

My only real concern is that you are not being honest with yourself about why you are meeting up with him. You say you still have a little place in your heart for this guy, so that probably means some unresolved feelings. I guess that's normal... but don't shave your legs (or anything else, for that matter) before you see him. Bring the kid and meet in the mall. You can satisfy your curiosity at the food court where it's save and clothes will definitely stay on!