My fiancé and I are getting married in 2 weeks. He is currently working in another state and has an opportunity to get a better job. I have a job that I love where I'm at. My son's biological father doesn't have much to do with him. I spoke to my son about moving and he really doesn't want to. I wouldn't be able to move for about 3 months however I'm torn whether to follow my future husband in his pursuit of a career and uproot my family or make my fiancé move back here. We get such limited time together as is. If I move I lose all the family support I currently have. I'd have to find a new job in which would require a babysitter for my son. It's a huge life change and I'm torn. What should I do?
My son is 8 and his bio dad sees him for 2 hours every other weekend if that. He does not stick to the current visitation agreement.
Some follow up to questions that have been asked. My fiancé works in the oil industry so jobs are limited to certain area of the US. I currently work in the medical field and am in the process of achieving my certifications. So jobs are available for me out there. My fiancé currently works for two weeks and is off for two weeks. It is a 2 day drive home and the 2 days to return to work. His new job would allow him to be home every evening with us if we were to move. My son has a fantastic relationship with his soon to be step father. I have only asked my son once about how he felt which his response was simply " I'd miss grandma". Keeping in mind the current situation is that my son and I live with my parents. As for custody. I have full custody of my son and I have spoke to my ex about us moving. He just wants to make sure that there is an acceptable arrangement in which he will get to see his son. All of that has been in discussion for months with my ex. I'm trying to think of all parties involved and do what's in the best interests of my new family unit as well as keeping my sons fathers feelings in mind. In the four years my fiancé and I have been together we have dealt with the distance so that is nothing new to us. I'm able to admit that I'm scared of the change because I've never lived more than 20 minutes from my parents and have probably relied on them too much.
i don't know, but i have to tell you, when i read the phrasing of this particular question i almost choked on my coffee!!
:X
khairete
S.
I think that you might take the summer and see how it goes with visits to the new town. IF son can make some good friends he'd feel better about moving.
Please don't get married while you don't have this issue settled. You cannot live apart from your new husband. This is no way to start out a new marriage.
Your son is 8 years old. He isn't a teenager, he's not in high school or junior high. He is a child. Of course he's going to say "no, I don't want to move." He's 8! What is more important is how he is feeling about having a step-dad. THIS is the most important question, what their relationship is like. If it isn't a good and close relationship, you shouldn't be getting married.
You DO have to work out arrangements somehow for his father to see him, because they DO have a relationship, though it isn't one in which they see each other a whole lot. This needs to be worked out too.
Please figure this out before you marry.
You've got some major issues that really should be settled before you get married. They are also adult decisions that you, your fiance, and your son't father should be making. Please stop asking your 8 yr old about moving because you are just making him anxious about the future when I'm sure he's anxious enough about getting a new step father.
My twin sister and I were 9 when our mom moved us out of state with her bf, away from all of our family, including our Dad. They eventually married. At 14, my sister and I decided to move back to our hometown, our father, and the rest of our family. Best decision I have ever made.
Even at 35, I still see her moving us as an extremely selfish move. She took us away from our lives and our family. We finally garnered the courage to take them back.
I don't know if your situation is similar, but I'm deathly tired of parents putting their love lives before their children. It is one thing to move because of an important job opportunity, or to make a better life for your family. It is inexcusable to uproot them because you are lonely and want to be near your latest love interest.
Sorry if this is harsh, but it's probably because of the prior poster who is clearly putting herself and not her child first. I hope you will seriously consider the impact on your son and whether or not this move is in his best interest. For the record, I have 7 & 4 year old boys.
Whether or not I'd move to allow my husband to further his career would depend very much on how well I knew him and how much support we would be able to give to each other. How long have you known each other? How much difficulty have you weathered together? Have you had rough times and come thru feeling that the rough times strengthened your relationship.
Stop asking your son what he wants. This is an adult decision and he has to know he's not the reason for staying. Of course he doesn't want to move. He's only 8 and where he is now is the only place he knows. It's OK to ask what he prefers tho I wouldn't have done that. It's now time to let him know that you're interested in how he feels but that you and your husband will be making the decision based on many other things which take priority.
An 8 yo will adjust to a new living situation. It's more difficult when they're in the teens and perhaps then, whether or not a family moves should be influenced by the teens preferences. But not at age 8. Thinking he has influence puts too much pressure on him. Let him be a child for several more years.
Even tho his father only sees him part time every other week, it's still important to keep him in your son's life. I would not stay where you are to do that but I would consider and discuss with his father how to keep him involved.
Sounds like if he keeps the current job he's still living away from you and if he takes the new job he's away from you. It seems that whether he moves to your area and finds a job or you move to his and find a job is one decision. Is he willing to move to your area?
My belief is that although we still need our family support we become a family with our husband and make decisions based on what is good for this new family. If you need your families immediate support by being in the same area as them then you are still dependent on them and are not really ready to form a new family apart from that family. Just something to consider.
Later: Make a list of your priorities in life. Have your husband do the same. Compare and make a joint list. Then make a list of pros and cons to the move and to staying where you are keeping in mind your priorities.
Wow. I feel like this conversation should have happened LONG ago. You are getting married in two weeks and you don't know where you will live? Really?
What should you do? I would suggest that you postpone your wedding and figure all of this out. I'm not sure how reasonable that is, but if you get married and force him to move... how is that going to impact your marriage? If you get married and uproot your child and stop your career... how will that impact your marriage?
Personally, I would not walk down the aisle with such a huge issue looming overhead.
Setting aside the legalities, I would not be inclined to inject that much change into my son's life all at once.
I agree with the other moms that this is something which MUST be discussed and worked through prior to your next marriage. And I would quit hashing it out with 8-yr old son. As another mom mentioned he has enough to worry about.
Good luck.
You are setting up your husband to dislike your son. Your son is only 8 and should not make such decisions.
Is it allowed by the courts. How far. Have you asked ex. Actually this should have been worked out long ago.
You need to work this out BEFORE you get married. If you love your job, do you have another one lined up that will be just as good? Can your company relocate you? Can your fiance find a job where you currently live since it sounds like he is switching jobs anyway. I don't see how you can move out of state and be fair to your son and his biological father. What does your custody agreement say? Will you need to drive him out of state every other weekend or to a halfway point to meet his dad? What does his biological dad think of the idea? You guys do parent a child together even though you are divorced.
It sounds to me like if you weighed the pros and cons, there are a lot more reasons to stay where you are than to go live in another state. Family support is HUGE. Plus, getting married is a big enough change for your son; don't subject him to a move and a whole new life on top of that.
Have your fiance look for work in your current town.
I would move. He is 8. Put him in sports, send him home to family over the summer.
I have lived far away from family support and connection, with two little kids, and now that I know what it is like to have family around, when I have one of my own, I would never advocate moving away. Extended visits? Sure. But moving? No. Also, 8 may seem young, but my family moved away from my close knit community where I was in with a circle of four best friends, when I was only slightly older than that...and I have only come close to that sense of community recently, as an adult. It was a rough move for me, at that age. Plus, do you have the right, per your custody agreement, to move your son out of state?
I agree that you need to make a decision prior to your wedding next week.
Is your fiance willing to move to where you are and find a new job? Is he able to?
You don't mention what you currently do, but is it a job that you can easily find a new job in the new area?
I probably would not go an start all over....does fiancée understand
How old is your son? What does "doesn't have much to do with him" really mean (e.g. does he never visit and not pay child support, or are there agreements in place that are ingored, or does he see him once a month...)?
I would not rush into it. You can wait a little bit and check out the area of your husbands new job (with your son) and see of you like it. Family support is a big thing, but you can build great support with new friends, neighbors, etc. i remember when inwas a kid and lived away From my grsndparents, there was an elderly couple across the street who were more than happy to be surrogate gramdparents. Grandma can also come for extended visits. Your son will adapt just fine I'm sure, you just have to make sure it's what you want to do.
I probably would not go an start all over....does fiancée understand
Good Lord...why get married? Sounds like you need to go where who has the bigger income or the area where everyone can find a job easily...sounds like you have cold feet.
I would not move your son. Aside from how hard it may be for him, you also risk your own financial security. Better to continue with visits until your husband can move closer. If your son is secure and happy where you are at, don't take away his and your support system.
