B.W.
I have a friend who had joint custody. She and her X lived in the Philadelphia area -- and it worked well, until she wanted to move home to N Carolina. . . . And she had to choose between her life and joint custody. She stayed in Philadelphia.
I have questions:
1) why are you dating someone that seriously before your divorce is final?
2) Are you planning to move in with him, or marry the guy ?
3) If you have custody, and he has the right of visitation, you could probably legally work out new visitation agreements . . .. but that seems premature when the divorce isn't even final . . .
4) In the end, you may simply have to decide what is most important to you: being there to raise your daughter, or having a fun love life. I would vote for for the former, because she is your next of kin, and because all too soon, you'll turn around, take a good look at her and realize she's all grown up. That cap and gown seem lightyears away, but they come way too quickly. . . And it IS possible to have a happy dating relationship from far away - it keeps you from jumping from the frying pan (your marriage) into the fire (this new relationship) without thinking. . . It gives you time to know each other better. Because you are writing to each other via e-mail, you get more "listening" time than we tend to give face to face -- and you'll hear more of his life and who he is.
5) Why are you balancing this off with your ex-hub's status ? "He's dating and happy and I am suffering?" This new relationship of yours has nothing to do with whether your ex is happy or not. And, if this new relationship is all that good, why are you suffering ? There are a great many divorced people who never find another person with whom to share their hearts, or their lives in marriage again -- so why are you "suffering" over a happy, albeit far away, relationship ? Yes, it's frustrating to have the person you love so far away, but think of all the military families whose partners are gone for 6 mos to a year at at time and in combat, as well. At least this guy is in the USA, and time may bring him closer to you -- but certainly, in this economic time, he shouldn't move without a confirmed job in the new location.
I know this is tough, and it's hard to sit home every weekend, when your ex is out and about, dating . . . but there's also a big difference between "dating" and moving in with someone . . . so examine your values, and whom you value most, and go with that, even if it's painful for now.