My husband and I are in the midst of a divorce. A very amiable divorce, but nonetheless, it's over after 20 years together and 15 years married. When I got pregnant with our 4th child, he started freaking out as it turned out that he had a daughter out of wedlock that I didn't know about and was seeing someone else on the side. That was February of 2010. I found out about the child out of wedlock in March and asked for a divorce. I found out about the girlfriend, different from the baby mama, in June and they moved in together in August of 2010. My baby was born in September and I do not work so I spend every single day with her. He has come over to see her 2 times a week on average and spent time with me and with our daughter together. He takes the other children for overnighters and they stay at his house with his girlfriend. I hate it....but I know I don't get to make that choice. He is a good dad, even including taking me to the hospital when my water broke 6 weeks ago and being my birthing coach. He has been a gentleman since June when I found out about the girlfriend and completely pays for everything for me and the children.
He has asked me to spend time with our daughter in his home Thanksgiving weekend for a few hours. I have NOT been away from her at all except for 15 minutes when she was 15 days old and I was kicked out of the PICU where she was during rounds (after she stopped breathing at home and we were taken there by ambulance for a 2 day stay). I feel like this girlfriend of his doesn't deserve to be around my daughter and I feel terrified to be without her for even a minute. (My daughter has become my security blanket of sorts.) The girlfriend and the soon to be ex-husband are in turmoil and he thinks our daughter will help bond them. I have offered him to be in my home with her for a few hours while I leave and go grocery shopping so I can get use to it, but he thinks that I shouldn't be able to dictate where he goes with her.
We have 3 other children together and this is our first Thanksgiving apart. I feel like it is going to be a hard enough weekend as it is and to have my baby taken from me for 5 hours is just too much stress...what do you all think? Am I being unreasonable? I know she can't be my blanket forever, but I have been thru the ringer with this man and I think that I can hold on for a little bit longer...what do you think?
Nope -absolutely not! You're her mother and she's a newborn infant. There is absolutely no reason for the two of you to be apart! ESPECIALLY so the baby can go spend time with him and his girlfriend! Absolutely not!
No, 6 week old is too young. Probably next year, will be lots better, but she is way to young to be away from you.
I may be old fashioned, but i would not allow any of my kids to stay over night with anyone who was living in inmorality, not in front of my kids, no matter who it was. J.
At 6 weeks old I feel like your baby and you are still pretty much one person. She goes where you go and vice versa. If you are feeling uncomfortable with the situation then I would trust your gut. Having to worry about a baby that young for a few hours would be torture to me. There is no reason you have to endure that. He made his choices and has to accept their consequences. One of those consequences is that he will not be a large part of his youngest daughter's infancy. That is not your fault and you don't have to remedy it. With all that has gone on in your life, you deserve the most peaceful relaxing holiday possible.
Have a good one!
Nope I would not let her go.
Absolutely not. not a baby that young. And you're right the girlfriend does not deserve to see you daughter. if they are having trouble how is a demanding newborn going to make it better? He's fooling himself he thinks that will make it better. He should have been trying his best to do right by you instead of trying to kiss up to his girlfriend.
She's a tiny baby hold on as long as you want to. pretty soon she's going to be wanting nothing to do with you.
Julie has a point.
Having any of your kids spending the night with him and his girlfriend is teaching them it's ok to cheat on their spouse.
Why would your baby help bond them together it's not her baby it is his but not hers it's "yours"..I wish I had some words of encourgement something that you never heard before but at this time I don't..You have endured so much already & seem that your taking it as it comes (I wouldn't be)
Hang in there & PS don't let baby go this Thanksgiving she needs her mama:)
Biological instincts and necessities are separate from and different than dysfunctional attachment issues. If your child was five months old or two years old, my reaction would be different. But she is not. She is six weeks old and at that age, five hours is an eternity. Regardless of the dynamic between you, your ex and his girlfriend, I simply don't think it is appropriate for a newborn to be separated from her mother for a social call. I mean, unless it really felt like the right thing to have happen (on all sides) - which it doesn't. Refusing something like this does not seem unreasonable. He will have plenty of time to build a relationship with his daughter when she is older or, as you offered, while you are nearby.
A 6 week old is too young to hand off for long periods of time away from mom. Any time really that's longer than you taking a shower or something, Seriously?!? And considering she's already been in the hospital because she stopped breathing..what is that man thinking?!? She's too young and too fragile to be passed around like an accessory at a family dinner. He wants to use *Your* baby to help him bond with his new girlfriend that he left you for? That's a low blow. Sorry but I'm on your side.
M., No, you shouldn't let her go because 1) you're not comfortable with it. So many things have been dumped on you in these last several months that your comfort should now be everybody's main priority - yours, his and the girlfriend's. You've been through too much for one person to bear alone, and this is your first holiday alone so No. That's reason enough, but here's # 2) because his reason for wanting to take her is a "user" reason. He wants to use his daughter to bond with his girlfriend? She's not a plaything, she's a tiny human. I actually would have struggled with this answer if you told me he said that his stupid choices were keeping him from building a bond with his baby - than I might feel a teeny tiny sorry for him (very teeny tiny, miniscule tiny) but he wants to use your baby to manipulate his girlfriend? I'm glad he's taking care of you and the children, I'm glad if he's a good dad..but gosh he sounds like he thinks the world should revolve around him. I'm going to take a minute here and send you all the strength I have because you need it and you deserve it. Please take care, I wish you all the best.
There is no way I could do that. I would be in mental and physical anguish being separated from my infant who was so young. And I would explain it to your ex in those very simple terms. Hang in there, ok? I'm wishing you lots of strength and peace.
What a tough situation to be in!
Your children should not be being used as pawns to help your soon to be ex bond with his new girlfriend. They can get counseling if things are that bad. Your 6wk old is just too young and this is her time to bond with you.
If the visit is just that- a visit- that's understandable, but not on the pretense that your child is a play thing. He should be a little more understanding of what he has done to you and the family you two created. You should be able to request that you attend all visits with your newborn- for the duration of the visit. If you are breastfeeding you cannot just knock off for a few days and hope your supply stays sufficient to feed the baby. You shouldn't have to start supplementing with formula because of your STB's infidelities. If your soon-to-be wants to make it work with his new girlfriend it needs to be on the basis that they are already compatible. If they are currently in turmoil, IMHO they would need to work through that first rather than create a potentially unhealthy situation not only for themselves but for ANY of your kids.
Sorry to hear of your situation and wishing you the absolute best of luck!!!
:-)
Why does he (or she) think having YOUR BABY (you and hubby's) will help the two of THEM bond - especially if it didn't help YOU TWO bond and it is YOUR (you and hubby's) BABY?!?!!!! That's crazy talk! So is allowing your newborn out of your sight. YOU are the security blanket to your daughter just as much or MORE than she is to you. You are her MOTHER! You are all she knows full time. She is WAAAAYYY too young to be away from Mama just yet.
They should bond over their own baby, not yours! If they didn't/aren't then maybe their bond isn't as strong as the girlfriend thinks it is. That's HER problem, NOT yours!! You would be being unreasonable if you thought it was okay to send your baby into this situation. In fact, I wouldn't let any of the kids around her unless and until they marry because if things don't work out, it is showing unhealthy relationship patterns to impressionable minds. If he is such a "good dad," then he wouldn't want this either.
I do not think your infant daughter should be a pawn to help your skeezy ex and his new girlfriend bond. Tell him "no deal." It would be one thing if he actually just wanted to spend the time with her and have her for a holiday though she is a bit LITTLE for that really....but if he actually said that he thinks your daughter will help him bond with his girlfriend then he is nuts.
Good luck with that -- I feel bad for you and your kids.
I don't think your newborn will help your husband and his girlfriend bond (and neither should he). That said, he should be able to take his baby along w/ his other kids for a few hours on Thanksgiving. It should be made perfectly clear that the girlfriend is not allowed to take your baby anywhere or be left alone with her.
wow- hugs and more hugs to you! I wouldn't' be able to do it either- and if you are breastfeeding- use that as an excuse if you need one. I don't think he has been much of a gentleman at all- moving out to live with a girlfriend he cheated on you with WHILE you were pregnant!?!- I think he feels guilty(as he should)and is trying to make up for it- a little.
If he wants to "bond" with girlfriend- they can have their own baby(sorry if that is harsh- I really think this guy is being a jerk)
You are not using your baby as a security blanket. I wouldn't be able to let my 6 wk old go somewhere without me for even an hour.
More hugs! I am really sorry you are going through this and I think you are handling this a lot better and nicer then I would.
~C.
M., Clearly there are a number of issues here, and all the mamas feel very passionate about this! There are a number of reasons your newborn daughter should NOT go on this little adventure (what a ridiculous selling point - help me & my girlfriend bond!!) Your reason for telling him NO is her health. As other moms pointed out, it is flu season and her respiratory system has already been compromised, and she does not need to be around a bunch of people. Even if it is just him & his girlfriend (pause while I think things I cannot type!), your daughter will be exposed to all the people and germs the girlfriend has been exposed to. Another day, another time, it does not need to be Thanksgiving. By the way, if he has a baby with another woman, perhaps he could "borrow that child" for some "bonding with my girlfriend" time! Like the other mamas, I send you a lot of love, strength, and peace. I do hope you get some counseling. You are an amazing woman. Start focusing on yourself and your children and not on your soon-to-be ex-husband. Stop thinking what a great dad & gentleman he is, and think about what an amazing, strong woman you are!!! Love you! B.
6 weeks old is too young to be away from mom, forget all YOUR feelings about it! (well, not really)
It's awesome he wants to be a big part of his kid's lives I supose but he'll have to wait a little while to take her overnight.
Least that's my opinion!
no, do not let your baby go! that is absolutely ridiculous that he would even ask such a thing. this is wrong for SO MANY REASONS im sure they were all covered by the intelligent mothers below!
No, 6 weeks is WAAAAYYYYY too young to be without her mama, and frankly to have your ex and his gf bond over her is rather insulting. I feel bad writing that because you've been through a lot with this man but that took gall and a man who doesn't care about your feelings.
Good luck and please stick to our guns and take care of yourself and you your baby!
Absolutely not! Why should this precious baby be used to bond daddy and his gf. If they are already having issues the baby certainly isn't going to help. I wouldn't feel one ounce of guilt either, especially after all he has done and put you through.
Good luck!
If it were me............ no way would ANYONE be getting my newborn baby for at least the first year if not more! No, you aren't being unreasonable. kudos that he is a good man but a newborn baby? If you are nursing, more of a reason to not be away for 5 hours. Since you both get along, I'd just let him know it's too soon.
You should not feel bad about this. A baby this small feels like your right arm--she is just part of you. I think his reason for wanting her there is ridiculous and he should not be pressuring you. I kind of think that you CAN dictate where he goes with her. You are her primary caregiver and the most important person in her life right now.
Since it is flu season and she has already had breathing problems and is soooo little, maybe you can get her pediatrition to write some kind of note that her exposure to people needs to be minimized. I'm not really sure how to word it, but he has a degree, he can figure something out.
You could just tell him to save you a turkey leg and some pie, because where she goes, you go! Good Luck!!!
Well lets see. If puppies can't be away from their mommies yet and they can walk and seek/feed themselves then there is no way a baby should be away from mom. Plus it is not this poor sweet little baby's responsibility/place to get her dada and his girlfriend to bond! Tough for him. And he SHOULD be supporting you. Thankfully he is a good dad but baby should be with you. She is too little.
6 week old? Oh my.... I would have such a hard time with that regardless of the relationship situation... 6 weeks is sooooooooo young and sooooooo very tiny.
Um.. I may be wrong, but it sounds like you're afraid you will lose your financial support if you don't give the ex what he wants. Is that what you're fearing?
I also understand not wanting another woman to "mother" your infant. That would make me very anxious. And it sort of sounds like the ex is gently trying to force the situation.
I don't have a complete picture of your situation, but from what you've said, perhaps it would be "fair", and easier for you to cope if your ex only took the baby for 2-3 hours instead of 5 hours. 5 hours seems like a lot to me.
Do you have a friend/family member you could leave your daughter with for short periods of time to get used to it before turkey day?? What about your ex "baby sitting" your daughter where you live for an hour or so while you run a couple errands? Is he totally opposed to helping you out like that?? Might be a starting point.
Otherwise, I would say go with your gut- but be careful. Some men use money and lawyers to force their will on their ex-wives.
Best luck!
I agree with the other moms, 6 weeks is too young to be out and away. (your baby won't even be eating turkey dinner!, beside the point) You have your own new life to adjust to and not by your choice. Don't feel guilty of not giving him the means he needs to "bond"/ adjust to his, if he is having trouble in his relationship it's probably because she isn't tolerating he visiting your family/baby. Trust your own intuition and if its hard to you to tune into it, get into counseling. Good luck and don't let his chaos take away from enjoying your baby girl.
That baby is too young to be away from you at that age. Even if it is a couple of hours or whatever he thinks. If he wants to be with her, then you are a package deal. This will not help his relationship with his girlfriend, they are doomed already. She is worried about competing with and ex-wife and new baby. She will have to deal with her own issues. I'm really sorry for all of the turmoil and stress this has been for you. I don't believe he legally can unsupervised visits with an infant until the child is of a certain age. You just need to explain to him that this is just too hard for you right now. Be firm and adament. This is your baby that you just gave birth too, not his girlfriends.
Good luck sweetie!
This isn't about the baby. This is about you.
You're right, she is your security blanket. And you're using her as an excuse to try to control a situation that you can't. (PS: your ex is nuts if he thinks caring for a 6 week old baby might bring his girlfriend and him closer together.)
This is going to be your situaiton long term, so you need to deal with it now and let him take her. I'm hoping that you're in counseling over this? You've been through an ordeal.
Just remember, your kids come first. And withholding the baby from her father, even if she's too little to remember, isn't fair. You need to move on.
You say he is a good dad so if it were me I would let him have all the children for Thanksgiving. She is his child just as much as she is yours and if he wants to be an active participant then I think that should be encouraged provided that you know she will be well cared for (he has 4 children so presumably he knows how to care for a baby). I don't think that having a baby around is going to bring him any closer to the girlfriend (in fact I think it will have the opposite result). Also, if you intend to have shared custody or ample visitation arranged with the children's father then I think that should start immediately regardless of the age of the baby (unless you are breast feeding and cannot pump to provide adequate milk). All of that said, if I were in your situation I would not want to let my soon to be ex-husband have anything to do with the baby out of spite but that isn't the morally upstanding thing to do and isn't fair to the baby so though I would be angry and hurt I would have to let her be with her dad especially if the other kids were having visitation.
